Alan Keyes Waterboards Trapped Boat Passengers With Song (VIDEO)

  like 'snakes on a plane' but at sea

General life-reject and self-described ongoing abortion Alan Keyes has discovered, GAH, that the old people who frequent cruise ships are “pretty much stuck there,” once they are on the boat. You don’t say! What a perfect opportunity for Alan Keyes to ambush a prisoner audience with his best Liza Minelli numbers while, uh, wingnut comedian lady Victoria Jackson bangs out the piano tune, with some kind of crumpled jizz rag on her head! What is this, some kind of CIA “Gitmo for olds” test program to control Social Security costs?

Ha ha, no, it is some kind of Tea Party program for waterboarding innocent people without prior access to passenger logs warning them not to board a ship with a group of batshit insane individuals:

The entire act was recorded by Celebrity – with this exclusive clip offered to WND, since both performers were participants in WND’s “Tea Party at Sea” contingent, which also included Joseph and Elizabeth Farah, David Kupelian, Jerome Corsi, Aaron Klein, Alaskan U.S. Senate candidate Joe Miller, Floyd Brown and others.

And that is reason number two million why we will never, ever board a cruise ship. [WND via Maddow Blog]

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228 comments

      1. gurukalehuru

        Come to think of it, Victoria Jackson does bear a superficial resemblance to Shelley Winters in the Poseidon adventure. Blonde, overweight, no longer young. Shelley Winters died in that movie, right?

  1. DashboardBuddha

    [snarky comment about torpedoes but retracted 'cuz it wouldn't be fair to make the other passangers suffer more than they have already]

    1. Preferred Customer

      Judging from their careers, Alan Keyes and Victoria Jackson both know a thing or two about torpedoes.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      I quite liked it. His straining to reach the higher notes counterpointed the surrealism of the underlying metaphor.

  2. Tommmcattt

    Victoria Jackson really does represent the creme de la creme of Conservative humor, doesn't she? Kind of their Mark Twain, if you disregard any measure of "funny" or "clever".

    She's the best they got. Waaaaay better than Dennis Miller.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Why do I think Yeast Infection whenever I hear Victoria Jackson. Do chronic Yeast infections make you this way? Please discuss.

      1. Tommmcattt

        Now I had to think about Victoria Jackson's lady parts. Thanks Duck, this is a fantastic way to kick off the week.

      2. prommie

        They make your snatch reek, that much I know. You may be confusing cause and effect, I don't think yeast infections make you stupid, but if you are stupid maybe that means you are more likely to neglect your ladyparts and get yeast infections.

    2. Pristine_ODummy

      You know, "better than Dennis Miller" is sort of like, well, broiled rat is better than boiled rat because at least all the stinky hairs have been singed off.

      It's still rat, fer crisake.

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        thanks, that is MY fucking WIN! of the day…oh and did I ever tell you how much I fucking hate that scumbag Miller, and to think I thought he was 'funny' once, in the 90s (good thing I stayed up/ sober enough to see this…ok it's late and the bottom of the wine bottle has been seen, hic)

        1. Pristine_ODummy

          I wish I'd been sober enough to reply at the time, but I'd already put one dead soldier to rest and was working my way through the second. hic!

    1. Mumbletypeg

      psst… hey teabaggers… you know he's… umm… black

      From the WND:

      "…Keyes reprised his impromptu number for a crowd that included many who weren't even sure if this was really the man who ran for president in 2000 and 2008" (emphasis mine)

      Speak up, Rooster, I don't think they can hear you.

    2. Pristine_ODummy

      This ain't Hitler, fer sure. Beethoven, but not many people knew it, and besides, he was only *part* black.

      What do I win?

  3. El Pinche

    No wonder the conservaturds hate the liberal media and hollywood, their "entertainment" makes me want to die.

  4. Radiotherapy®

    You know what other ship they thought was unsinkable?

    p.s. I'm totally with you KBJ on the cruise ship disdain.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Did you know that the boat was named for the FCC chairman? Sherwood Schwartz didn't think much of that "vast wasteland" comment.

          1. mereoblivion

            Like, seriosamente, dude? Cool! After all, with Gilligan and Brady, old Sherwood did so much to make the wasteland less . . . vast and wasty.

          2. Doktor Zoom

            Well, not really. He was happy to spread the bland around, especially if it made money. In his obit, the NY Times had this:

            Mr. Schwartz remembered describing the idea of “Gilligan’s Island” to William S. Paley, then chairman of CBS, as a microcosm. Mr. Paley, he recalled, blanched and said, “Oh, God, I thought it was a comedy show,” to which Mr. Schwartz quickly responded, “But it’s a funny microcosm!”

    1. Slim_Pickins

      Laying in wait for the Tea Party Armada in February, when the ice belt tea baggers head south to thaw out.

    1. Graham Cracker

      They have to be outfitted with pontoons. That boat is destined to sink with entertainment like that.

  5. SheriffRoscoe

    A mad tea party at sea? Did Victoria fall asleep face down in her teacup? Were there riddles with no answers? WIN!

        1. Tommmcattt

          "She produces a few notes and all of them are flat"…which is actually the answer to the old "unanswerable' riddle in Alice in Wonderland, but applies beautifully here, I think.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            I prefer "Poe wrote on both" for the original.

            But Edgar Allen never envisioned a horror like Ms. Jackson.

  6. metamarcisf

    That SNL has sure produced some talent, huh? Dennis Miller, Victoria Jackson, Charles Rocket, Brad Hall…the memory fails…

  7. SayItWithWookies

    There's not enough Benadryl on the damn boat to make people listen to Alan Keyes' vocal stylings.

  8. prommie

    This is from a new David Lynch movie, right? It produces that same dissociative effect, the disturbing feeling that you can no longer tell what is real and what is your imagination.

  9. baconzgood

    Joseph and Elizabeth Farah, David Kupelian, Jerome Corsi, Aaron Klein, Alaskan U.S. Senate candidate Joe Miller, Floyd Brown and others.

    STAR STUDDED! Also special Guest stars Ray Jay Johnson and that guy who was second banana to the monkey in BJ and the Bear!

    1. DashboardBuddha

      The bottles stand as empty
      as they were filled before
      Time there was and plenty
      but from that cup no more
      Though I could not caution all I yet may warn a few:
      Don't lend your hand to raise no flag
      atop no ship of fools

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      Er … yeah. Death is definitely preferable to having to listen to either of these untalented wanna-bes.

  10. SorosBot

    I only recognize two of the names of the other wingnut "celebrities" on the tour; good job, Keyes and Jackson, in somehow managing to put together a guest list where the two of you are actually the most famous.

  11. itsjesuscriss

    Somewhere out at sea, another dolphin has rammed his head against the ocean floor in protest of the obnoxious sounds coming from the hull of this ship.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Even the Right-Whale would gladly swim straight into a curtain of death to escape such Right-Wing talent fail.

    1. johnnyzhivago

      You remind me of something, namely, visiting my grandparents, where the only two shows my grandfather watched was "Welk" (always called just "Welk", as in "it's 8:00 time for Welk") – and "The Governor and JJ". I distinctly remember him (about 85 years old) frequently explaining how he liked the latter show because of actress Julie Somers' (JJ) "acting". I suspect it may have been her ass, however.

      1. baconzgood

        Evertime someone turns on Welk I get the grandparents house smell in my nose and nausea. Kinda like The Clockwork Orange.

    2. Pristine_ODummy

      Yes, they are. Too great of girth for mere hoverounds to contain, for example. Not to even mention how that might preclude standing up to flee the night's planned entertainment.

  12. Goonemeritus

    How many of you remember the saga of the 1987 Garbage Barge. It occurs to me if there were a way to revoke landing rights this ship could be the new Teabanastan.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    So, after reading paragraph after endless paragraph of Victoria Jackson's ramblings, I've come to the conclusion that she would like nothing more than to have Alan Keyes's big black dick buried balls-deep in her capacious bunghole.

  14. prommie

    Off topic, but I have just decided I want to become a hand model. Does anyone know how one goes about this?

  15. Chichikovovich

    "Joseph and Elizabeth Farah, David Kupelian, Jerome Corsi, Aaron Klein, Alaskan U.S. Senate candidate Joe Miller, Floyd Brown and others."

    OK, so like – next time the ship leaves port and gets beyond the horizon, everybody get crackin' and move the country somewhere else before they start back.

  16. HistoriCat

    Between Alan Keyes providing entertainment and the waitstaff, cabin stewards, etc., this may be the most non-white people in one place most of the teatards have ever seen.

  17. ttommyunger

    No, I didn't watch this clip; I'm not as dumb as you think I am. What bothers me is that there was a time when I thought Victoria Jackson was fuckable in a "you mean you want me to put that thing in my mouth?" kind of way. Right now I would step over her to get to Ann Coulter and Ann is totally unfuckable also, too, as well as…

    1. prommie

      I understand that "you want me to put that thing in my mouth" way prescisely. Its the unattainable fantasy of the girl so charmingly dumb that she'll swallow anything; literally and figuratively.

        1. Pristine_ODummy

          Indeed. You have to wonder how *anyone* would have the first clue about Victoria Jackson's sexual peccadilloes.

          No, I did *not* say peccadildoes. Geesh.

          1. ttommyunger

            So…..Is a pecadildo made especially for little people; or possibly a basket full of dildos? Inquiring (and dirty) minds want to know.

          1. ttommyunger

            As a matter of fact, her Adams Apple is bigger than mine. Her dick too, for that matter, I'm guessing.

  18. HelmutNewton

    On the surface, Victoria Jackson sounds like just another idiotic teabagger. But by the time the usual Koch Sucker talking points come out of her mouth, they sound like they've been put through the washer and the dryer, set on fire, and then run through a sewage treatment plant.

  19. donner_froh

    Joseph and Elizabeth Farah, David Kupelian, Jerome Corsi, Aaron Klein, Alaskan U.S. Senate candidate Joe Miller, Floyd Brown and others.

    1) Joe Miller is still running for Senate? Someone should tell him the election happened already.

    2) Given that stellar line-up whoever is in the "and others" category must be in a witness protection program.

  20. Tundra Grifter

    Kristen:

    How DO you find this stuff?

    On second thought – please don't tell me.

    I'll love Irma Jackson til I die. My life was just fine not knowing anything about Victoria Jackson.

    Thanks a lot!!!

  21. Guppy06

    The Celebrity Milennium flies the Maltese flag. I guess they don't love America enough to cruise on a US ship.

  22. Pristine_ODummy

    Jesus Christ! It can't be that easy to find the only two Nears in America who can't sing worth shit, but it looks like the GOP found them: Herman Cain and Alan Keyes.

  23. glamourdammerung

    I think this disproves Jackson's assertion that she can not get jobs in "Hollyweird" because "they discriminate against conservatives" as opposed to having no talent.

  24. zhubajie

    Isn't this a job opportunity for pirates? How much would some relatives pay to never see these people again?

  25. BipolarBadger

    I want to bait them when they return to their home port here in Vancouver. I am surprised these baggers do not explode upon entering my evil communist maple syrup beaver loving country.

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