General life-reject and self-described ongoing abortion Alan Keyes has discovered, GAH, that the old people who frequent cruise ships are “pretty much stuck there,” once they are on the boat. You don’t say! What a perfect opportunity for Alan Keyes to ambush a prisoner audience with his best Liza Minelli numbers while, uh, wingnut comedian lady Victoria Jackson bangs out the piano tune, with some kind of crumpled jizz rag on her head! What is this, some kind of CIA “Gitmo for olds” test program to control Social Security costs?
Ha ha, no, it is some kind of Tea Party program for waterboarding innocent people without prior access to passenger logs warning them not to board a ship with a group of batshit insane individuals:
The entire act was recorded by Celebrity – with this exclusive clip offered to WND, since both performers were participants in WND’s “Tea Party at Sea” contingent, which also included Joseph and Elizabeth Farah, David Kupelian, Jerome Corsi, Aaron Klein, Alaskan U.S. Senate candidate Joe Miller, Floyd Brown and others.
And that is reason number two million why we will never, ever board a cruise ship. [WND via Maddow Blog]
{ 228 comments }
Tea Party at Sea…
… sounds promising.
Needs more "Poseiden Adventure".
Victoria Jackson would make a pretty good life raft, if needed.
a 3 hour tour…
Come to think of it, Victoria Jackson does bear a superficial resemblance to Shelley Winters in the Poseidon adventure. Blonde, overweight, no longer young. Shelley Winters died in that movie, right?
If the Tea Party leaves the harbor, it kind of misses the point, historically.
The Tea Party's Titanic Adventure!
Dammit! Why didn't someone tell Israel the TPaS was going to break the Gaza blockade??
Maybe they will dump themselves into the ocean
Only if we can toss them in the drink, after.
I hope the 24 hour all you can eat salmonella buffet was worth it.
I ain't eatin' Sam nor Ella!
I imagine that contracting salmonella would actually be the high point of this trip.
That and the accompanying emergency evac away from it!
The only fish they eat is fried catfish and popcorn shrimp.
[snarky comment about torpedoes but retracted 'cuz it wouldn't be fair to make the other passangers suffer more than they have already]
Judging from their careers, Alan Keyes and Victoria Jackson both know a thing or two about torpedoes.
Republicrooners: Earth equivalent to Vogon poetry. NOOOOOOOOO!
I quite liked it. His straining to reach the higher notes counterpointed the surrealism of the underlying metaphor.
Resistance is useless!
So you're saying beneath his clueless, tebagging exterior, he just wants to be loved?
No, he Republicroons to put his clueless, teabagging exterior into sharp relief.
Let the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEagle soar…
EEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHle.
Victoria Jackson really does represent the creme de la creme of Conservative humor, doesn't she? Kind of their Mark Twain, if you disregard any measure of "funny" or "clever".
She's the best they got. Waaaaay better than Dennis Miller.
Why do I think Yeast Infection whenever I hear Victoria Jackson. Do chronic Yeast infections make you this way? Please discuss.
Now I had to think about Victoria Jackson's lady parts. Thanks Duck, this is a fantastic way to kick off the week.
They make your snatch reek, that much I know. You may be confusing cause and effect, I don't think yeast infections make you stupid, but if you are stupid maybe that means you are more likely to neglect your ladyparts and get yeast infections.
Dennis Miller has never worn a bow in his hair. Doing so would instantly make him 458% funnier.
I haven't watched any thing she's done since UHF.
Tommmcatt:
Carrot Top is better than Victoria Jackson.
Gallagher is better than Victoria Jackson. Dice Clay, on the other hand. . . . .
All those people are conservatives? Wow am I glad to be a lefty…
You know, "better than Dennis Miller" is sort of like, well, broiled rat is better than boiled rat because at least all the stinky hairs have been singed off.
It's still rat, fer crisake.
thanks, that is MY fucking WIN! of the day…oh and did I ever tell you how much I fucking hate that scumbag Miller, and to think I thought he was 'funny' once, in the 90s (good thing I stayed up/ sober enough to see this…ok it's late and the bottom of the wine bottle has been seen, hic)
I wish I'd been sober enough to reply at the time, but I'd already put one dead soldier to rest and was working my way through the second. hic!
Diggler (?) could tell you that.
psst… hey teabaggers… you know he's… umm… black right…
You know who else is black?
Margret Dumont?
Magilla Gorilla?
Pacman Jones?
Cleopatra Jones?
Star Jones?
James Earl "Avenge me, Kimba, uh, Simba / I *am* your father / This Is CNN" Jones?
Foxy Cleopatra?
Rebecca Black? That answer would have also worked if you asked, "You know who else is tone deaf?"
The Titanic?
The Ace of Spades?
Al Jolson?
The Hair Bear Bunch?
Shirley Temple?
Shirley Temple?
Velvet Jones?
Shaft! (Damn right.)
He's one BAAAD Mother…
From the WND:
"…Keyes reprised his impromptu number for a crowd that included many who weren't even sure if this was really the man who ran for president in 2000 and 2008" (emphasis mine)
Speak up, Rooster, I don't think they can hear you.
It does show how hip and with it they are…
(I just said "hip"… without "hop".)
Hip, as in hip replacement surgery checked off the bucket list.
The Drow?
Bruenor Battlehammer/Drizzt Do'Urden 2012!!!!!
Ted Danson?
Bill Clinton?
How is it that I am the first to say Obama?
Obama's black??? I hadn't noticed.
Racist
The Sheriff of Rock Ridge? (And how am I the first to say THAT?)
Jimmie Walker?
The new sheriff of Rock Ridge?
This ain't Hitler, fer sure. Beethoven, but not many people knew it, and besides, he was only *part* black.
What do I win?
Fela Kuti?
Allen West?
"The Poseidon Tea Party Rally."
No wonder the conservaturds hate the liberal media and hollywood, their "entertainment" makes me want to die.
Hot-dog! The USS Enterprise has found video to replace their tasteless career-ending productions.
Too bad an iceberg didn't go rogue and take that floating crapsino out.
BTW, Judy Garland & Eva Cassidy are spinning in their graves.
Darn you…beat me to it.
Lerve Judy, but massive upfist for mentioning Eva C. Gone too soon!
You know what other ship they thought was unsinkable?
p.s. I'm totally with you KBJ on the cruise ship disdain.
The S.S. Minnow?
The Newton Minnow?
Did you know that the boat was named for the FCC chairman? Sherwood Schwartz didn't think much of that "vast wasteland" comment.
Like, seriosamente, dude? Cool! After all, with Gilligan and Brady, old Sherwood did so much to make the wasteland less . . . vast and wasty.
Hitler's boat?
All of them
The Unsinkable Molly Brown?
The Hindenburg?
The Space Battleship Yamato?
Das Boot?
the ship of state
Steve Allen's legacy is safe.
Where are those Nazi U-Boats when you need them?
think any of those museum pieces are still sea-worthy?
SCHNELL!
Laying in wait for the Tea Party Armada in February, when the ice belt tea baggers head south to thaw out.
The Hate Boat.
I'd watch that show. Sounds better than anything else on TV.
Gavin McLoed plays Capt. Cheney, John Ensign plays the ship's doctor, the guy who played Gopher plays Gopher.
It's already got the washed-up former celebrities for this week's guest stars.
Twenty Thousand Teatards Under the Sea.
Looks like a jelly fish is attacking her head.
So they're not all born with it?
Do they know that song was written by a Communist?
This is good news for Julie McCoy.
They let Hoverounds on cruise ships?
According to the banner on this blog, they do.
They have to be outfitted with pontoons. That boat is destined to sink with entertainment like that.
A mad tea party at sea? Did Victoria fall asleep face down in her teacup? Were there riddles with no answers? WIN!
How is Victoria Jackson like a writing desk?
They're both handy to stand on if you need to change a lightbulb?
"She produces a few notes and all of them are flat"…which is actually the answer to the old "unanswerable' riddle in Alice in Wonderland, but applies beautifully here, I think.
I prefer "Poe wrote on both" for the original.
But Edgar Allen never envisioned a horror like Ms. Jackson.
I'd dive overboard and swim for shore, Being eaten by sharks would be preferable to staying onboard.
Shut up and (stop) singing?
That SNL has sure produced some talent, huh? Dennis Miller, Victoria Jackson, Charles Rocket, Brad Hall…the memory fails…
As does the attempt at humor…
So did they.
This could only control costs if Medicare has no mental health benefits.
Don't know about any rainbows, but they've flown over the cuckoos nest, for sure.
Needs more frontal lobotomies.
This is terrorism pure and simple. My God! Wasn't 9-11 bad enough? Oh the humanity!
Fixed.
Allow me:
"Tea Party
atOut ToSeaLunch"What the entertainment on “the Love Boat” would have been had Himmler done the booking.
Or Biel Z. Bubba. I understand he's fond of pain and suffering.
There's not enough Benadryl on the damn boat to make people listen to Alan Keyes' vocal stylings.
Cunts… both of 'em.
I'll say it again: cunts can be warm, sweet, soft, wonderful … BRB.
Uh, waiter? I was told this was going to be a three hour tour.
It was only 3 minutes; it just FELT like 3 hours.
If he's singing up here, who's singing in Hell?
Biely would know.
Paging Biel Z. Bubba … Biel Z. Bubba to the white courtesy phone, please.
This is from a new David Lynch movie, right? It produces that same dissociative effect, the disturbing feeling that you can no longer tell what is real and what is your imagination.
Whose hotter, Victoria or Eraserhead?
The dancing deformed lady from Eraserhead.
Joseph and Elizabeth Farah, David Kupelian, Jerome Corsi, Aaron Klein, Alaskan U.S. Senate candidate Joe Miller, Floyd Brown and others.
STAR STUDDED! Also special Guest stars Ray Jay Johnson and that guy who was second banana to the monkey in BJ and the Bear!
Oh, if only Gallagher and Ray Stevens could have made it!
Scheduling conflict. They were booked at the Ramada in Billings Montana.
Ya doesn't hafta call me Johnson!
They missed the obvious song choice: Ship of Fools.
'The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald' would have been nice…
I doubt either of them could do a convincing Gordon Lightfoot.
No lightfoots in that crowd, fershure.
The audience is probably thinking the chorus of Sloop John B.
I feel so broke up, I want to go home.
(Truly, this is the worse trip we've ever been on.)
The bottles stand as empty
as they were filled before
Time there was and plenty
but from that cup no more
Though I could not caution all I yet may warn a few:
Don't lend your hand to raise no flag
atop no ship of fools
And, yes, Vicky, your ass looks huge in that.
Gimme Herman Cain singing "God Bless America" any day.
You know what, Massa? Jes' gimme death.
Er … yeah. Death is definitely preferable to having to listen to either of these untalented wanna-bes.
I only recognize two of the names of the other wingnut "celebrities" on the tour; good job, Keyes and Jackson, in somehow managing to put together a guest list where the two of you are actually the most famous.
And Corsi's certainly gone downhill since his days with the Beats.
Somewhere out at sea, another dolphin has rammed his head against the ocean floor in protest of the obnoxious sounds coming from the hull of this ship.
Even the Right-Whale would gladly swim straight into a curtain of death to escape such Right-Wing talent fail.
Was this part of the Minstrel Show?
As that is not Alan Keyes, but Chuck Norris and some burned cork, yes.
If you can't sing at sea, how can you possibly see to sing?
Was Ted Nugent also on the venue with guitar licks and at the gun range?
Hey if these people can sit through this and Lawrence Welk they truely are "The Greatest Generation".
You remind me of something, namely, visiting my grandparents, where the only two shows my grandfather watched was "Welk" (always called just "Welk", as in "it's 8:00 time for Welk") – and "The Governor and JJ". I distinctly remember him (about 85 years old) frequently explaining how he liked the latter show because of actress Julie Somers' (JJ) "acting". I suspect it may have been her ass, however.
Evertime someone turns on Welk I get the grandparents house smell in my nose and nausea. Kinda like The Clockwork Orange.
Yes, they are. Too great of girth for mere hoverounds to contain, for example. Not to even mention how that might preclude standing up to flee the night's planned entertainment.
When Lounge Lizards attack.
Conga line. Scooters. Picture it.
Rogue wave or GTFO.
How many of you remember the saga of the 1987 Garbage Barge. It occurs to me if there were a way to revoke landing rights this ship could be the new Teabanastan.
So, after reading paragraph after endless paragraph of Victoria Jackson's ramblings, I've come to the conclusion that she would like nothing more than to have Alan Keyes's big black dick buried balls-deep in her capacious bunghole.
That's the first time the phrase "big black dick" has grossed me out. Way to go!
Gotta love that "capacious bunghole," though. Poetry.
How about a comedy "palate cleanser" for you, my two friends….courtesy of the late, great LaWanda Page. NSFW!
Leon Klinghoffer would have wheeled himself off the side of this cruise ship.
Too soon.
I thought the rule was 25 years.
Uncle Ream us.
Cruise-2-Nowhere, with untalented and useless Know-Nothings.
I'd rather catch the Titanic.
Overheard on U.S.S. Teabagger: "Alicia Keyes has really let herself go."
Off topic, but I have just decided I want to become a hand model. Does anyone know how one goes about this?
Give out handjobs?
Thats what I was afraid of.
"Joseph and Elizabeth Farah, David Kupelian, Jerome Corsi, Aaron Klein, Alaskan U.S. Senate candidate Joe Miller, Floyd Brown and others."
OK, so like – next time the ship leaves port and gets beyond the horizon, everybody get crackin' and move the country somewhere else before they start back.
Between Alan Keyes providing entertainment and the waitstaff, cabin stewards, etc., this may be the most non-white people in one place most of the teatards have ever seen.
No, I didn't watch this clip; I'm not as dumb as you think I am. What bothers me is that there was a time when I thought Victoria Jackson was fuckable in a "you mean you want me to put that thing in my mouth?" kind of way. Right now I would step over her to get to Ann Coulter and Ann is totally unfuckable also, too, as well as…
"Right now I would step over her"
You must have really long legs.
That is PRECISELY what I was thinking.
Hahahahaha!
I understand that "you want me to put that thing in my mouth" way prescisely. Its the unattainable fantasy of the girl so charmingly dumb that she'll swallow anything; literally and figuratively.
She seems like the type who would prefer it in her ear…
I hear the unmistakable voice of experience.
Indeed. You have to wonder how *anyone* would have the first clue about Victoria Jackson's sexual peccadilloes.
No, I did *not* say peccadildoes. Geesh.
So…..Is a pecadildo made especially for little people; or possibly a basket full of dildos? Inquiring (and dirty) minds want to know.
I can understand the step over part, but Ghoulter? Man, your standards have sunk!
I did pronounce her unfuckable.
I was just jealous that you actually preferred Ghoulter to some of us *other* ladyboys.
As a matter of fact, her Adams Apple is bigger than mine. Her dick too, for that matter, I'm guessing.
After about 30 seconds of that, it's apparent that stupid does hurt. At least other people.
It could have been worse. It could have been a song AND dance number.
On the surface, Victoria Jackson sounds like just another idiotic teabagger. But by the time the usual Koch Sucker talking points come out of her mouth, they sound like they've been put through the washer and the dryer, set on fire, and then run through a sewage treatment plant.
A malfunctioning, non-operating sewage treatment plant.
Joseph and Elizabeth Farah, David Kupelian, Jerome Corsi, Aaron Klein, Alaskan U.S. Senate candidate Joe Miller, Floyd Brown and others.
1) Joe Miller is still running for Senate? Someone should tell him the election happened already.
2) Given that stellar line-up whoever is in the "and others" category must be in a witness protection program.
Its safer for Joe to be at sea, there's an arrest warrant issued for him in Alaska.
Okay. She looks just like a fat Shirley Temple, and he sings like a rock. Not a rock star, just a rock.
Gahhhhh, my hearing! My precious, precious hearing!
Kristen:
How DO you find this stuff?
On second thought – please don't tell me.
I'll love Irma Jackson til I die. My life was just fine not knowing anything about Victoria Jackson.
Thanks a lot!!!
This is GREAT news for minstrels.
Someone cram the two of them into a crab pot and toss it overboard.
If only this ship could have been the Mary Celeste.
TEA PARTY!! YEA!!
Some friggin' party…
Wait, did no one say "More like Alan OFF-Keyes" yet? Because that would be a shame.
A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again.
Now you've depressed me.
More like the Flying Dutchman or the Mary Celeste?
The Celebrity Milennium flies the Maltese flag. I guess they don't love America enough to cruise on a US ship.
Joe Miller but no Joe the Plumber? I want my money back.
Performance?
Has Michele thought about a singing career?
She hasn't quite wrung out the political career yet, give her a few more months.
Jesus Christ! It can't be that easy to find the only two Nears in America who can't sing worth shit, but it looks like the GOP found them: Herman Cain and Alan Keyes.
hahahha teatards get victoria jackson.
we get the dailey show.
I think this disproves Jackson's assertion that she can not get jobs in "Hollyweird" because "they discriminate against conservatives" as opposed to having no talent.
No storms? Heavy waves? Massive sea-sickness?
Isn't this a job opportunity for pirates? How much would some relatives pay to never see these people again?
I want to bait them when they return to their home port here in Vancouver. I am surprised these baggers do not explode upon entering my evil communist maple syrup beaver loving country.
You know who else was a Friend of Dorothy?
But I'm talkin' about Shaft.
And we can dig it.
"Bla-a-a-a-a-ck Lassie, a great American dog. Now we're gonna listen to Carl play his wha-wha…"
Point taken: "How about Victoria Principal has really let herself go?"
Perfect!
Well, not really. He was happy to spread the bland around, especially if it made money. In his obit, the NY Times had this:
Mr. Schwartz remembered describing the idea of “Gilligan’s Island” to William S. Paley, then chairman of CBS, as a microcosm. Mr. Paley, he recalled, blanched and said, “Oh, God, I thought it was a comedy show,” to which Mr. Schwartz quickly responded, “But it’s a funny microcosm!”
Meant to say "MORE . . . vast and wasty." Yesterday was a horrible day.
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