Weird Story Surfaces In Ongoing Search For Rick Perry Sex Scandal

  sex tapes

accidental sexual hypocrisy is still sexual hypocrisy!The Rick Perry Investigative News Team over at POLITICO was still feeling nostalgic for Ronald Reagan’s America following the other night’s GOP Supersexxxual Debate about “taxes,” a thing that is fun to debate especially when no one on the stage understands what that word means. So someone started digging around news archives from 1986, which is the year Pixar opened its cartoon shop, “going postal” became a thing, and then-state Rep. Rick Perry “accidentally” sent sex videos to a bunch of teenagers, to teach them about the dangers of drug use.

Innocent Rick Perry was just trying to do his part to educate young minds about the dangers of recreational drugs, by sending an informational video to the schools in his district. Little did he know, they were in for a sinful surprise!

A state technician says a nude scene attached to the end of a videotaped program on drug abuse was not the fault of the lawmaker who provided the tape to a surprised high school audience.

The scene depicting a nude couple in bed was inadvertently attached to a taped drug program sent by state Rep. Rick Perry, D-Haskell, to the 26 schools in his district.

The discovery prompted Perry to recall all the tapes.

 
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Tommy Varner, an assistant coach at Baird High School, said the scene flashed on the screen 30 seconds after the drug awareness program ended.

Varner said he was telling his freshman health class what would be on a test when the eyes of his students became glued on the screen.

“All of them were bug-eyed and looking up there. There were these two people in bed,” he said. “I turned the machine off and tried to go on. It wasn’t easy with 30 kids chuckling and giggling.”

The 45-minute drug tape features noted toxicologist Dr. Harry Edwards discussing his experiences in dealing with drug abusers and rehabilitation, said Dusty Garrison, Perry’s legislative aide.

Garrison said Perry saw the tape – without the added attraction – and wanted schools in his district to benefit from the “excellent program.”

To add to the strange/creepiness of this scenario, the scene was from “1984,” which means that the technician who took “full responsibility” for somehow “accidentally” copying the boring drug movie onto a piece of his personal movie collection was trying to warn everyone of something, and we should have listened. Sorry, 1986 Director of House Technical Services Mike Fickel!

Perry said he was shocked to learn of the scene on the tape he sent to Baird High School. After checking his copy and finding the same scene, Perry said he was convinced all 26 copies had the “embarrassing” scene and he asked that all copies be returned.

“We were doing it for public service, and it backfired on us to a degree,” he said. “We were trying to help kids with drug problems, and now it’s totally ineffective with this five-second skin shot.”

Bravo to Rick Perry for his important knowledge regarding the teenage brain. “Boring…video…when will class…end…WHAT?SEX?!WHOHASCOCAINE?!?!?!” [Politico/AP]

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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154 comments

      1. horsedreamer_1

        The turn in fortunes of the Wahlberg Brothers has been pronounced. Mark had Entourage, Donnie has… The right stuff.

  1. nounverb911

    "The discovery prompted Perry to recall all the tapes."
    And then the kids had to ask their parents how to cook meth.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        My mother worked in the court system for her career and she is not against capital punishment. That said, when I saw her today I asked about the debate since I knew she was planning to watch. She absolutely went OFF on how appalled she was about the audience cheering in favor of execution. She claimed it was the loudest applause of the night and she was freaked out about it.

        1. KenLayIsAlive

          As she should be. I honestly feel that people can be for or against execution. In any case it is clearly one of the solemn tasks a state could undertake.

          So to applaud it? To cheer it? Or worse yet, to be be like Perry and say that there is no way the state of Texas could ever make a mistake and execute an innocent person? Total sociopaths.

          I don't know what Wonketteer said it but she/he called them "ghouls". That's exactly right. Just pure evil on display.

          1. tessiee

            "I honestly feel that people can be for or against execution. In any case it is clearly one of the solemn tasks a state could undertake.

            So to applaud it?"

            Is that a serious question?
            They applaud because killing people, especially Those people, is cool and fun and kickass, and has no repercussions, just like killing bad guys in the movies.

            There's probably a reason why Beavis and Butthead lived in Texas.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Since DNA testing kicked in, and the Innocence Project kicked off, approximately one in 10 death row inmates has been freed.

      I am convinced we've executed innocent people. The numbers are stark.

      1. Spurning Beer

        I was a Rhode Islander for 30-something years, and they got rid of the death penalty there in 1852 after executing an innocent man. The victim was an Irish Catholic man who was convicted of killing the Governor's brother.

        So Tejas is 150 years behind the curve. So far.

  2. OC_Surf_Serf

    Sent sex videos to a bunch of teenagers, to teach them about drug use

    Like they need lessons in either…

    1. tessiee

      "sex videos to a bunch of teenagers, to teach them about drug use"

      Wouldn't the sex video be for teaching teenagers about sex, and the drug video to teach them about drug use?
      We only had the getting your period movie and the driver's ed movie, so I'm clearly out of my depth here.

  3. Arken

    I can't help but think the person who really needs to see 1984 is Rick Perry, but he's such an idiot, he probably would think it was instructional.

    1. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

      Outside in the cold distance ……………. a wildcat did growl
      Two riders were approaching, and the wind began to howl

  4. ShaveTheWhales

    Is Texass still on fire?

    edit: actually, I shouldn't snark about that, because Cali will be burning next month. But still.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Wait, I need instruction. Did I just do a Carol Burnett riff, despite having almost never watched her? Cultural iconography strikes deep, I guess. Or maybe I was high and don't recall.

        Or was this a pun on "burn"?

        Help me, Obi-Wan-Iburl, you're my only hope.

          1. Geminisunmars

            Well, she did move to Hollywood at an early age, and graduated from my alma mater (Hollywood High), so I don't think Texass has any real claim on her.

          2. iburl

            Well, Bush was born in Connecticut, went to school at Yale and Harvard, and summered in the Hamptons, so you can stop blaming him on us then.

          3. tessiee

            Anybody other than Bush is personally responsible for everything that Bush has ever done, said, or "thought", and also any memoranda that he might have ignored. He signed that into law on his first day in office.

          4. Negropolis

            When he releases his death grip on that horrible West Texas accent, we can then begin negotiations repatriation back of his terrible legacy back to Connecticut or Maine or where ever the hell his family is actually from. (Mars?)

          5. Angry_Marmot

            From the asteroid belt to meteor strikes in Ohio, where great grandpa made iron couplings for the Harriman family's railroad cars; that led to investment banking money laundering for the Nazis with the Harrimans in Long Island and Connecticut. Grandpa Walker built the Maine place in 1903 and they didn't start pretending to be Texans until 1948. Still working out the Arkham, Innsmouth and Dunwich connection.

  5. JustPixelz

    If they had more educational materials like that, maybe more (some!) Texas teenagers would finish high school for the happy ending.

    Next Perry removed all nudity from the internet. To protect the children. A success he continues to this very day.

    Things like that didn't happen when Ronald Reagan was president. Oh, wait.

    "Tommy Varner, an assistant coach at Baird High School, said he was telling his freshman health class …". Times sure have changed. These days an assistant coach in Texas teaches biology intelligent design.

    And Hilary Duff was born nine months later. Thanks Rick!

    1. Beowoof

      I don't know about that, just because a lot of people want to beat the shit out of him, doesn't mean he could come up with fight club.

    2. tessiee

      "Rick Perry is Tyler Durdan "

      Which, I assume, means he beats the shit out of himself in deserted parking lots.

  6. iburl

    I've seen 1984… that's a very un-sexxxy sex scene. The only one I can think of that would be less sexual would be the one from "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life."

    1. tessiee

      Putting Rick Perry in a fat suit and grandma dress would actually be an improvement — but then, just about anything would.

  7. x111e7thst

    Every bit of clothing ought to make you pretty
    You can cut the clothing, grey is such a pity
    I should wear the clothing of Mr. Walter Mitty
    See my tailor, he's called Simon, I know it's going to fit

  8. Warpde

    Well thanks Wonkette for busting into my jerking off to a great porn….
    Ohhh!. Yeah!
    Can I loop that?

    Carry on.

  9. Negropolis

    I had forgot about the awkward sex scenes in the book. Thanks for that. BTW, that's the only book I've ever read where I was physically depressed and angry and sad all at the same time after having finished it. Everyone should have to read that book.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Unfortunately, we're sneaking up on nobody having to read the book because they're already living it.

      1. Negropolis

        I still like the book better. A rapid social decline into soul-crushing authoritarianism is so much more fun in a British accent.

        1. Radiotherapy®

          Lord of the Flies was all those things and worse for me. Kind of like how I feel about this whole 9/11 faux-poignant hoopla. C'mon Wonkateers make me laugh. Isn't comedy tragedy over time??!?
          BTW, what have you done with Dexter??!?

          1. Negropolis

            Wonkette rose up with fists against him and demanded Negropolis returned. I could no longer deny them, even though I liked Dexter better.

    2. glamourdammerung

      Unfortunately, I have seen the movie and have a very good memory. So that meant I knew exactly what was shown when it was mentioned. Ewwww.

    1. tessiee

      "George W. Bush was more qualified!"

      That's the first time this sentence has appeared anywhere, in any language. I feel a chill, as if something distant had frozen over.

  10. fuflans

    can somebody please come forward and say they've had sex with rick perry already?

    he's boring me beyond the telling of it. and not in a good way.

    1. flamingpdog

      It's a series of tubes! It must be Texas on Earth to push that film all the way through those tubes to your monitor in your house!

  11. PuckStopsHere

    They should send that picture of Perry in his A&M drag to every high school kid in Texas to let them know about the dangers of not taking drugs. Look what happens to you! Just look…

  12. flamingpdog

    "We were doing it for public service, and it backfired on us to a degree," he said. "We were trying to help kids with drug problems, and now it's totally ineffective with this five-second skin shot."

    That must have been some powerful anti-drug documentary. Brought to them by the same people that brought us "The Undefeated"?

  13. AznMom420

    This video is TOO hot for TV and unless your parents sign a waver you cannot view it with the old librarian who runs sex-ed class.

  14. Giveusabob

    "The scene depicting a nude couple in bed was inadvertently attached to a taped drug program…"

    I really don't have much money to offer, but damned if I weren't tempted to ask what the going rate was to help these accidents happen more often. I can make awesome salsa and cookies, so name your price within those confines.

  15. Radiotherapy®

    It never fails to amaze me: Rape, murder, mayhem, torture, sadism, guns, gore, blood, vicious inhumanity, decapitations, disembowelment, psychopathic killers, etc. are all PG-13 and 24/7, 365, but show some naked humans and whoa, hold on there cowfolk, that's way too much.

  16. schvitzatura

    If you want a vision of the future, Blair, imagine a hand-tooled Rocky Carroll boot, one emblazoned "Freedom", the other "Liberty", stamping on a human face forever…

    We're all in Room 101 now.

  17. __kth__

    Third in a continuing series of events that would make me believe in God: if the inevitable swinger video doesn't surface until after Perry has locked up the nomination.

  18. Goonemeritus

    Given how Texas is rewriting history and science in their textbooks this probably represents a high water mark in Texas scholastic material.

  19. HedonismBot

    Minus 100 teabag points for supporting public education. Minus 1,000 teabag points for supporting sex education – intentionally or not.
    Factor in prior (though recently disavowed) support for Al Gore, Hillarycare, and not castrating illegal aliens… Dude ain't no teabagger. Hey Rick, why don't you go primary Ralph Nader for the Green Party nomination?

    1. Negropolis

      Plus at least a 1,000 teabag points for his state's death row factoring, and add in another hundred points for a Southern accent. Add in a few more hundred points for dripping with smug self-satisfaction. He's back in black!

  20. ttommyunger

    Right. Even sex between an adult man and woman is bad, but death is good. I can't get out of my head how Perry growled his defense of executing more prisoners than any other State, AFTER the number had received applause from the Republican "Right to Life" crowd attending the Debate. Having legally taken human life (up close and personal, not by the stroke of a pen) I have never looked on it as something to be applauded. It is something that should be done when called for, with proficiency and skill; but not with pleasure or enthusiasm. What is wrong with these people? I worry for my Country.

    1. Rotundo_

      What is wrong with these people? They're typical americans, misinformed, misguided, miseducated and misused by opportunistic rich amoral fuckers to get more money out of the system. The sad part is that these people are so far gone that they are education resistant-even if you show them clearly and concisely how the votes they cast cost them money and inflict real pain on themselves and their children, they will still reliably vote to slit their own throats 'cause the pastor or Rush told them so.

  21. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    1 of Christopher Walken's best films
    The Dead Zone is a must see movie

    we know who & what you are Ricky

  22. horsedreamer_1

    Give Larry Craig credit: closeted GOP grew subtler with their solicitation of barely legal/jailbait ass over twenty years. I think that's a sign if evolution.

  23. Walkinwiddaking

    "To add to the strange/creepiness of this scenario, the scene was from “1984,” which means that the technician who took “full responsibility” for somehow “accidentally” copying the boring drug movie onto a piece of his personal movie collection was trying to warn everyone of something, and we should have listened"

    In mid 1980's I would have added an anal scene with Nina Hartley. Hey, call me an old fogey.

  24. OLDSHEEPHERDER

    In Texas they rely on Jesus to put out fires and if that isn't working hold a big pray-a-thon, charge admission to that and split the cash!

  25. Neilist_Returns

    Once again, you Communist Pinko Liberal SKum have buried the lede:

    "Dusty Garrison: The Most Obvious Gay Pornstar Name In Recent Memory."

    Neilist
    "Manning" The Scope At Wonkette's GayDar Early Warning System

      1. Neilist_Returns

        I specialize in spotting deviate behavior . .. hence my monitoring you "people."

        (P.S. Next time, try not to block the punch with your face . . .2EZ "Slim" Pickens.)

        Neilist
        Getting A BIG "Blip" From Radiotherapy . . . .

        1. glamourdammerung

          I specialize in spotting deviate behavior . .. hence my monitoring you "people."

          Is this the part where you make fun of 9 year olds being murdered, spanky?

          1. Neilist_Returns

            "9-year-olds being murdered" isn't funny.

            The humor seems to die out — if you will pardon the term — around two years old.

            It's sort of a "Dead Baby Joke" thing, I think.

            Since you bring it up, however: The murder of nine-year-olds usually falls under the heading of "Social Useful Behaviors." Like the murder of modern American "teenagers."

            It's a variation on the age-old question:

            Q: What's the difference between a 9-year-old Vietnamese child carrying an AK-47, and an adult VC or NVA Regular?

            A: Nothing.

            Hope that clears it up for you.

            Neilist
            Wonkette Resource Desk On Shooting "Innocent" Children
            (Hint: "You don't lead them as much.)

            Hmmm. Is that hint of self-righteous bathos in the late summer air?

          2. glamourdammerung

            "9-year-olds being murdered" isn't funny.

            I recall you throwing quite a fit when that very thing was pointed out to you. Of course, that was before you went slinking off and making the extra accounts just to troll and stalk folks here.

            Is that hint of self-righteous bathos in the late summer air?

            I was simply giving you the negative attention you so clearly crave, spanky.

          3. Neilist_Returns

            Thanks for the attention, Glams.

            But considering the audience, it ends up being one of the "Damn'd by faint praise" thingies.

            But thank you for (trying) to play.

            Next! What's the difference between that truckload of dead babies and that truckload of bowling balls?

            We'll be right back with the answer, right after this public service spot featuring Sally Struthers stealing food out of the mouth of fly- specked . . . .nine-year-old African chlld . . . . WHO STILL LOOKS LIKE HE'S ONLY TWO!!!!!

          4. glamourdammerung

            But considering the audience, it ends up being one of the "Damn'd by faint praise" thingies.

            But thank you for (trying) to play.

            You do know that no one forces you to come here and act like an ass for attention, right? Or make you make multiple accounts, etc.? Because you spend a bit too much effort to try to now claim that you are not seeking our disapproval.

          5. Neilist_Returns

            Oh, SNAP, girlfriend!

            What provoked this sudden Attack of Sincerity & Righteous (Brothers) IN-DIG-NATION!?!?

            [Not that anyone cares, mind you, It's more in the interests of suddenly Wounded (Knee) Jerk Liberal Reactions.]

          6. glamourdammerung

            What provoked this sudden Attack of Sincerity & Righteous (Brothers) IN-DIG-NATION!?!?

            When you went full retard about the child that was murdered in the Giffords shooting.

          7. Neilist_Returns

            One child. Out of the hundreds, if not thousands, that are killed every day, around the world, often by the Communist Liberal Pinko SKum Obama Administration?

            Oh, but I forgot: This child was white and American. That would cause ANYONE to have an emotional hormone bath/moral outrage attack of such epic proportions.

            (Got to go: Have to prepare my lawn for the big Nine/Eleven Party I'm holding for the members of the local John Reed Club. Have you seen the two tons of ammonium nitrate I bought? The grass REALLY needs some "fertilizing" . . . . .)

          8. glamourdammerung

            Oh, but I forgot: This child was white and American. That would cause ANYONE to have an emotional hormone bath/moral outrage attack of such epic proportions.

            You sure are trying awfully hard to justify your stupidity. Even to the point of making up that stuff about me to do so. That should tell something, even if you are too much of a scumbag to admit it.

          9. Neilist_Returns

            "Scumbag."

            Oh, dear.

            Such language. And such a vocabulary!

            And how quickly Liberal Communist Pinko SKum are reduced to foul-mouthed, sputtering lumps of inchoate and inarticulate rage.

            :::Sigh:::

            Too easy, really. I should be ashamed of myself . . . but I'm not.

            Good luck with the hot flashes, Glams. They, too, shall pass.

          10. Radiotherapy®

            glam, I've seen you hunt down trolls like the NKVD bulldozed deserters at Stalingrad, but I don't think this is the spanky-fuck. Say what you want about Neilist, and he certainly polarizes the Wonkettes, but he is fairly droll and consistent. Further, he doesn't seem like the stalking type. I'm not defending either of them, but I would bet spanky, the witless, is not our troll, Neilist. Plus, anyone who acknowledges the chemo-radiation scam can't be all bad. Shoot me if I'm wrong, cause I've had my heart broken before.

          11. Neilist_Returns

            Question: Is the "Shooting You Option" limited to your being "wrong"?

            Because The World doesn't work that way. Usually, the "right" people get shot first, as per old Ernie "Boss Shotgun Headache Cure" Hemingway:

            'The world breaks everyone, and many are strong at the broken places. Those that will not break, it kills. It kills the very good and the very brave and the very bold, indifferently. If you are none of these, it will kill you too, but there will be no particular hurry."

            ["Droll"? Is that another way of saying "obnoxious"? After all, I strives so for the latter.]

            Neilist
            Wonkette's Broken Hearts & Broken Heads Desk
            "Cupid Would Have Gotten Farther With A Submachine Gun"

            P.S. "Spanky"? Who the heck is "Spanky"? Does anyone think I would waste offensive comments under another name? (Well, other than "Eleanor," that is.)

            "Spanky," IN-DEED.

            :::Sniff:::

            The Very IDEA!

          12. glamourdammerung

            Well, it seems odd that all the trolls started up around the time Neilist was trying so hard to be their own hypeman on that Eleanor Roosevelt account after their meltdown.

          13. Neilist_Returns

            Well, I guess we have to add the logical fallacy of "post hoc, ergo propter hoc," to the very long, and ever increasing, list of things that Communist Liberal Pinko SKum don't understand.

            [The thing most asked by holders of "liberal arts" degrees? "You want fries with that?" ]

            Neilist
            Wonkette's Small Arms & Critical Reasoning Outreach Desk
            "Guns don't kill people! STUPIDITY kills people — ideally, before they breed (at nine years of age, or otherwise)."

            HAPPY NINE/ELEVEN DAY! SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SHOOTING RANGE, GUN CLUB, OR FEDERALLY SPONSORED/MEXICAN CARTEL FUNDED LOCAL GUN DEALER!!!!!

        2. Radiotherapy®

          Hey, if you ever need "curative" powers for your cancer, I'm here 4U. I mean, after all, the Marlboro man couldn't just shoot his small cell carcinoma, could he?

          1. Neilist_Returns

            No offense, but if I need radiotherapy, I'd prefer popping the Cobalt-60 capsules myself, like M&Ms, than trust to a "Liberal With A Ray-Gun" . . . if you will pardon the latter term.

            "He's a drugstore truck driving man,
            He's the head of the Klu Klux Klan.
            When summer comes rolling around,
            We'll be lucky to get out of town . . . ."

            Neilist
            Wonkette Alternative Therapies Desk
            (Make that a Peet's Coffee enema for Radiotherapy, would you? No foam.)

  26. Guppy06

    I believe that particular scene ends with the police storming their bedroom and dragging them off to their ultimate torture. So total Republican happy ending.

    Relatedly, I think I found the GOP's slogan for next year: "Do it to Julia!"

  27. mormos

    "News Team over at POLITICO was still feeling nostalgic for Ronald Reagan’s America"

    Oh, you mean an America built by over 20 years of forward thinking social progress and then systematically dismantled by regressive bigots over the course of a single decade?

    I would miss that too, since at least back then the effects of that dismantling were in their infancy.

Comments are closed.