night of the claw

Raccoons Begin To Cleanse Suburbs of Humans

It's you or him.Raccoons — “Nature’s Night Bear” — have long lived in proximity to humans and the garbage cans that are the primary symbol of human habitation. But the masked beasts have suddenly decided to kill everyone instead of just eating pizza crusts and tipping over Weber grills. This is happening now in Sacramento, and will soon be happening everywhere humans hide.

The Sacramento Bee reports on this new 9/11:

Another raccoon attack in urban Sacramento on Tuesday night has seriously injured a dog and startled a neighborhood. The third attack in two weeks, it suggests a fundamental change in the city’s relationship with its wild inhabitants.

The raccoon incidents come amid numerous skunk encounters in the city that have left dogs and people desperate for a bath.

A bath? Have these skunks no shame?! [Sacto Bee]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Is this a photo from David Wu's Christmas party?

    • Limeylizzie

      Oh so many, many upfists.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      This absolutely yiffs with Win.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    looks like Snoopy is gonna need a lot of nickels.

  • Jason_inthe_Peg

    Sewage monsters and the rise of giant rodents!

    Southern California sounds like a post-apocalyptic hell.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Hey, at least we're not on fire, and we'll *have* rain any weekend now.

      • Sue4466

        What, d'ya ask Perry to pray for rain or something?

        • Pristine_ODummy

          Are you kidding me, that's a guaranteed recipe for triggering a 99-year drought.

          No, our rains normally start in late September or so, although the weatherliar claims we have a 30% chance this weekend. Lyin' sack o' shit must not have seen the vegetation crisping in the heat on my hillside.

          • Sue4466

            You sure about that? I thought for sure Perry had a direct line to Jesus. That's why Texas is a miracle! Yeehaw!

            (I used to live in CA, remember the "rainy" season).

          • Pristine_ODummy

            Yeah, it's a fucking miracle there is still a Texas.

            I've been gardening here for 30 years now, and the weather has changed so much, you would not believe it. I'm in the fog belt, which means, used to getting about two 80F+ days per year, if that. For the last week now, I can't water enough. Every day seems to be really hot and dry and everything is just losing leaves. And yet the fog still rolls in at night, so thick and heavy you can barely see the road.

            Last year I got 100+ tomatoes off each plant. This year, I have about six, if that, and the plants are still blooming. I hope to gawd I don't have to eat green tomatoes all winter long. Grumble, grumble.

          • Limeylizzie

            Be grateful your'e not in LA, we can't get anything to grow, what with the heat and the fact that our house faces into the blazing sun and is about 98% glass. We tried to grow some plants a few years ago and the squirrels kept eating the shoots, I read somewhere that deer hated human urine, so assuming it might also work for squirrels, my beautiful, tall, rangy, aristocratic-looking husband used to come down every morning in his jammies and pee in all the planters. Reason #365 as to why I love that man.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      What, you get your geography info from HuffyPuffy?

      • Jason_inthe_Peg

        Public school education.

        Isn't all of California southern California?

        • Callyson

          LMFAO! I gather you haven't met people from the San Francisco Bay Area, whose hatred of all things SoCal is boundless…

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            Why there hasn't been a good ol' Dodger/Giants baseball beating in months.

          • poncho_pilot

            but San Diego has some good points…like…taco shops. and we once had a really awesome music scene…but not anymore…and…buying prescription drugs in Tijuana. there we go! except for the stupid, drunk college kids and the poor children trying to pick your pockets…ok. never mind.

          • comrad_darkness

            I always have a nice visit. I think reports like this are a sneaky way to . . . . OH, I get it . . .

          • poncho_pilot

            San Diego will be one big mass of chain stores in a couple of years. and then it will meet up with all the other chain store cities and devour the world. i imagine it something like this:
            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grey_goo

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Hey, that's Rick Santorum in the driver's seat, amirite?
    ~

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Rick Santorum will tell you it's a Poorz Ghey.

      Edited for teh obvious obliviousness.

    • SorosBot

      He was right; gay marriage has lead to dog-raccoon marriage!!

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Giggity.

    • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

      Hey, take your pick of Ricks.

      • LesBontemps

        Okay, I pick Rick Roll.

  • SexySmurf

    According to this documentary I saw on Canadian TV, the tricks people use to keep urban racoons out of garbage cans, attics, etc. are making them smarter with each new generation (Natural Selection. Suck it, stupid hillbillies). It's no surprise they've decided to take over.

    I for one welcome our adorable, masked overlords.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      I'm with you. They wash their food before eating it more reliably than most humans.

    • emmelemm

      Damn, that's what I was going to say.

      Adorable masked overlords indeed. With their cute yet creepy yet cute little hands.

    • hilacious

      I had a raccoon move into the crawl space above my studio in the spring. They tried to set a trap for him but he settled in quite nicely. Built a nest above my bathroom and I could hear him shuffling around up there. I named him "Paco" and got a bit sad when summer came and he moved out.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Well that puts a new 'sacrament' in Sacramento! … simple as putting the 'coon' in coon-hound.

    • Geminisunmars

      I like what you did there.

  • SexySmurf

    At least they're out there working for it. Welfare recipient in Nebraska could learn a thing or two.

  • Indiepalin

    Forget the baths. Tomato juice and lots of it. And vodka. Lots of it.

    • baconzgood

      The breakfast of champs.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And for the skunked dog, hydrogen peroxide. Works like magic.

        • Pristine_ODummy

          Rully? Thanks. What a Prince.

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            …of darkness.

          • Pristine_ODummy

            And given how often I'm in his bad books, I don't like to remind him.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Protip: tomato juice + skunkreeky gray kitty = slippery black cluster of bloodthirsty razor blades

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Erm. Thanks. I have one of those (currently unreeky gray kittycluster of bloodthirsty razor blades).

    • MissusBarry

      Well, I'll still say the dog got sprayed if I'm ever buying vinegar douche.

    • Geminisunmars

      Once upon a time I lived in the mountains outside of Denver. My dog went missing for a night, showed up the next morning not only skunked, but porcupined. My vet was not happy with us. After she was de-quilled a shower with lots of tomato juice helped us both.

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    It's Friday, which means it is time for "Doomer Porn with Ken."

  • Come here a minute

    I've heard of strange relationships with wild animals, but bathing with skunks is the weirdest yet!

  • baconzgood

    These illegal coons come into this country take our rancid hotdogs, steal our racoon jobs! Build the damn wall already!

    • poncho_pilot

      you can get Beavers to build a dam. it's kind of like a wall. will that work?

    • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

      just make sure its not near any trees, those little bastards can jump

  • elviouslyqueer

    I recognize Christine O'Donnell, but who's the guy in the adorable raccoon costume?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Upfists into infinity.

    • MissusBarry

      Beagle libel!

    • HelmutNewton

      It's Joe Walsh. He though the dog was his wife's lawyer.

  • OneYieldRegular

    How timely. Here in the urban center of San Francisco, I just chased one of these creatures out of my kitchen and inadvertently into a neighbor's apartment, where the screams could be heard for miles.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      A raccoon scaled a sheer wall to get into my parents' bedroom once.

      At least that's what they claim.

      • OneYieldRegular

        I've seen the ones around my building climbing up sheer walls, up pipes, up fences…we've even found them on the roof (4 stories up).

      • AJWjr.

        I see what you did there.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hell, they're even setting up shop in Manhattan. They rip into to the trash before the sanitation trucks (municipal alarm clocks) start their early morning bump and grind.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Whatta wuss. (The neighbour, natch.)

      Those little fuckers ain't afraid a nuthin', least of all hoominz. I was congratulating myself on having chased a mama and her babies out of my house (where they had been washing their food in my kitchen after turning the tap on), when the mama reared up on her hind legs and bared her teeth at me. Those are some impressive teeth.

  • AlterNewt

    Bastards are hoggin' all the WiFi, too.

  • baconzgood

    That photo gets the win of the week.

  • SorosBot

    Let 'em take over; us humans have had our chance to be in charge, and we've blown it; maybe the racoons would do better. it would be hard to do worse.

    • jus_wonderin

      Return to the Planet of the Racoons! I get a percentage, right??

    • the_problem_child

      They do have opposable thumbs…

  • jus_wonderin

    I get it. The Beagle is the American Middle Class and the Poor, and the Raccoon is the Republicans.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Complete with implied rabies.

    • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

      And the resulting kid will be a Beagle Boy: a criminal Teabagger.

    • Preferred Customer

      You are reading too much into this. Sometimes a photo of interspecies raccoon rape is just a photo of interspecies raccoon rape.

  • Goonemeritus

    My neighbor had a dog named “Lucky”. In addition to being hit by a car on three separate occasions he was mauled by a raccoon necessitating over 100 stitches. Hence when I grew up I started the tradition of naming my dogs after famous punk rockers.

    • emmelemm

      Sid Vicious?

      That's be a cool name for a dog.

      • Goonemeritus

        Iggy Pup and Chrissie Hound, Sid was a bit of a wanker.

    • jus_wonderin

      My dog, George Burns, approves of your naming convention.

    • Jukesgrrl

      My dogs were pre-punk. They were Duane A. and Stevie Ray.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Lucky Strikes?

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      I named one of my dogs Yogi, after Yogi Berra.
      (My daughter wanted to name him Jeter, but I told her to stick with the classics.)

    • Geminisunmars

      I had a malamut my boyfriend named Bilbo (after Baggins, not the Senator) but that quickly degenerated into "Dildo". It was kinda embarrassing to call him home.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    But the racoons aren't as ugly as the coyotes which we also have to deal with. Coyote ugly is special.

    • Beowoof

      Yep the racoon will only fuck the dog, the coyote will kill it and eat it. Which sounds more republican to you?

      • BarryOPotter

        All three: F it, K it then E it would be the republican way letting Snoopy know what's what…

        • mull_man

          You are correct, though not nec. in that order.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        All of them, Katie.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Racoony-style?

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Where does washing fit into this?

  • DashboardBuddha

    Hmmmm, weather's freaking out, Texas is even a more hell on earth, and Rocky and Blossom are starting to take their revenge?

    I think I see a trend here.

  • Callyson

    I for one welcome our new raccoon overlords, who are bound to do a better job than the Republicans…

    • poncho_pilot

      Raccoons are thought to be color blind.

    • Jukesgrrl

      And I've never seen one that was orange and wielding a nine iron.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    So raccoons are Republicans, eh? You learn something new every day.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      If the Rethugs were honest not so fricking hypocritical, they all woulda been wearing pantyhose masks at the Wednesday night debase. The racoony masks are too cute if they want to be sincere.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Any mask will do, so long as your beagle can't identify her attacker.

        • Pristine_ODummy

          Show me on the doggy dolly where the bad raccoon touched you …

        • jus_wonderin

          The Repugs will make her pay for the rape kit too.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      No, the Republicans are the tycoons.

  • mavenmaven

    Here is the perfect meme for the re-appearance of Sarah Palin! She, as president, can kill all small animals in California from the air!

    • jus_wonderin

      She could just give a speech which would be like using those devices that protect a perimeter by emitting ultra sonic sound waves.

  • finallyhappy

    Everyone seems to be ignoring the skunks- they are uniting with the raccoons and based on the photo- the raccoons are trying to get the dogs involved.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Trying to get the dogs in trouble is what it looks like to me.

  • fletc3her

    I was once proud to call a raccoon my grade school mascot, Riverton Heights Rascals FTW! Memories. Looks like they're cleaning the place up!
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/tomthinks/2246320739

  • MiniMencken

    Raccoon nothing! Wait till comes moose and squirrel!

  • jus_wonderin

    Why am I reminded of that old standard, "Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "I've heard that lizards and frogs do it,
      Layin' on a rock.
      They say that roosters do it
      With a doodle and cock."

      I must say Cole Porter
      Got away with a lot.

  • V572 T-Blow

    To give the raccoons some trash they'll really enjoy (if there's anything left over) here's your récipe for 9/11 chile verde, which I'm making right now:

    1. Cut up about a pound each of pot-roast-quality beef and pork into 1" cubes, and brown in oil and transfer to a big pot. The more fat on the meat the better, as you're going to stew it all down, and if you're fussy, strain it off at the end.
    2. In the remaining oil, sauté a diced green pepper and maybe a diced yellow onion, add to the big pot.
    3. Open 2 1lb-12oz cans of tomatoes; add them and their liquid to the big pot
    4. Also add two small cans of diced green chiles.
    5. Start boiling this, and add a cup of red wine.
    6. season with 2 Tsp cumin, a 1/4-tsp ea ground cloves and cayenne, pepper, a bay leaf or two.
    7. Bring to a boil again, and cook covered for two hours, stirring and checking the seasoning. Your house will smell like hard-working Illegals at dinnertime.
    8. Remove the lid and cook down to the desired thickness, about 40 minutes or so.

    Enjoy tonight. It'll be even better reheated as the flavors merge.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Gracias. Su carta verde por favor.

      • V572 T-Blow

        Just as there is no vodka in a Martini, there are no beans in this chile. The original is from an old Sunset magazine, and you won’t be sorry if you try it. Takes a long time and makes a big mess, but there are no delicate cooking tasks – lots of time and room to adjust.

        • Jukesgrrl

          Sounds delicious. You're on. I can stand the mess; I've been living in Arizona for several years now. Gracias.

          • V572 T-Blow

            The liquid turns a beautiful brown the color of old mahogany furniture.

    • jus_wonderin

      "….and add a cup of red wine."

      It's okay, since I opened the bottle, to drink down the rest, right? Could this work with various (needing to be opened) Red Wine varieties???

      • V572 T-Blow

        That’s what I’m doing.

        • jus_wonderin

          BTW: I have some tomatoes Mom gave me that she had put up from the garden this year. You have got me wanting to make this with those. Huge freezer bag of 'em.

          Thanks for this!

    • ingloriousbytch

      Sounds delish! Snark and recipes. Oh Wonkette is there anything you *can't* do?

    • fuflans

      fabulous. i'm trying this next week.

    • AJWjr.

      Can I substitute raccoon?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Ranger Rick is fed up to here with this shit!

  • edgydrifter

    According to the Texas Department of Education, this photo explains where skunks come from.

    • V572 T-Blow

      Wow, Galileo, you so misunderstand creation science. God made the raccoon and the beagle just they way they are now, even the perverted ones.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        So Noah had to put up with this shit? For forty days??

        • BTWBFDIMHO

          Well, it's his fault he named his tourism agency Non-Sequitour.

          • AJWjr.

            Zing!

  • chascates

    Raccoon are best when taken in the winter months. Cut the jugular vein and hang by tail immediately after the kill. Keep cool until ready to dress. Remove the glands from under the front legs and fleshy part of the rear legs before dressing. Remove as much fat as possible from the carcass. Gut, remove head, tail, and feet, rinse well. In a non metallic container mix 2 gallons water with 5 tablespoons baking soda and 1/2 cup salt. Completely submerge possum in brine, refrigerate overnight before preparing. If you are going to store in the freezer for any length of time it is best to freeze in a plastic container filled with water with a tightly sealed lid.

    Now the easy part: cut up the raccoon into 'parts' and place in a crockpot with halved sweet potatoes and well rinsed greens. Cook until raccoon easily separates from bones.

    • jus_wonderin

      Will this work with Nutria (Swamp Rat) too? I am going to the farm in La this weekend. I might find one on the road.

      • chascates

        Should be good with nutria and possum as well. Cook very slow to tenderize, use lots of hot sauce if need, and definitely drink a shitload of hard alcohol.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Taken together with T-Blow's recipe above, we've got the makings of a fine chili coon carne.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      My, my. Cooking has come quite some way in Tejas since I was there. Back then after you ran over the critter to tenderize and gut, you'd take the possum, coon, armadillos, or whatever, stuff it with a couple of onions and chilies and then duct tape to the exhaust manifold. After a couple of hours of driving they were table-ready.

  • http://www.facebook.com/groups/227406670645311 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    First they fucked the beagles and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a beagle.
    Then they fucked the babies and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a baby…

  • poncho_pilot

    i, for one, welcome our new Raccoon overlords.

    • poncho_pilot

      at least three of us on here are traitors to the human race.

  • poncho_pilot

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raccoon#Intelligence

    in short, hide your kids. hide your wife.

    • Geminisunmars

      And your dogs.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Hey! Tehy haz stoled mah icon!

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    The Racoons were created by man. They rebelled. They evolved. There are many copies. And they have a plan.

  • BarackMyWorld

    This Furries thing has just gone way too far.

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    Dogs and raccoons, breeding in the streets, mass Republican presidential candidates… apocalypse soon?

    • Geminisunmars

      Apocalypse now.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Some of those raccoons are really hawtt.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thzUR_mq6OY

  • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

    Remember, Ranger Rick isn't just a (ra)coon any more…

  • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

    This picture is where Walt Disney got the idea for The Beagle Boys.

  • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

    Now that I think about it, the raccoon is making it clear that the unfortunate beagle is a male.

  • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    best photo since the dead rat in the toilet. Can we photoshop santorum's face onto that raccoon and make it his new blingee?

    • BTWBFDIMHO
      • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

        YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN, SIR!

        +1000 intarwebs

      • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

        Man on dog sex, indeed!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        How many merit badges did Rick earn in order to become a Beagle Scout?

  • ttommyunger

    Serves me right for marrying a fucking Beagle!

  • Papa_Uniform

    In my state sexual relations between dogs and raccoons is forbidden by law. This is why states rights is so important. What's next? Skunks wanting to shag my cat?

    • comrad_darkness

      I seem to remember a cartoon about that. Don't leave any wet white paint around the house, outside, that's all I can say.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Who was that masked beast?

  • AJWjr.

    My cat used to get along quite well with the 'coons. Maybe not this much, but pretty close.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I really, really hope that was Photoshopped.

  • AJWjr.

    Also, why is nobody responding to the dogwhistle?

  • soeoho

    I…don't…. understand. We only want the suburbs…..today.

  • poncho_pilot

    "i'm going to make you my regular saturday night thing."

  • Ducksworthy

    I remember now. Raccoons have a penis bone. Not need for viagra. The girl Beagles all know this.

  • Schmannnity

    I hate to admit it, but Santorum was right; first Gay marriage, next thing, dogs and raccoons going at it coony-style.

  • Pristine_ODummy

    Not in TX, anyway.

  • SorosBot

    You want some of our rain? Here on the East Coast it's been wet since the beginning of August. Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why you've had to hide away for so long…

  • AJWjr.

    It rained here, a mere mile from California, just this morning.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    She was asking for it, wasn't she?

  • emmelemm

    Cue the Addams Family music…

    Also, I only just noticed that the tagline up top is "Night of the Claw". Most appropriate.

  • the_problem_child

    Begging for it, that bitch.