Raccoons — “Nature’s Night Bear” — have long lived in proximity to humans and the garbage cans that are the primary symbol of human habitation. But the masked beasts have suddenly decided to kill everyone instead of just eating pizza crusts and tipping over Weber grills. This is happening now in Sacramento, and will soon be happening everywhere humans hide.
The Sacramento Bee reports on this new 9/11:
Another raccoon attack in urban Sacramento on Tuesday night has seriously injured a dog and startled a neighborhood. The third attack in two weeks, it suggests a fundamental change in the city’s relationship with its wild inhabitants.
The raccoon incidents come amid numerous skunk encounters in the city that have left dogs and people desperate for a bath.
A bath? Have these skunks no shame?! [Sacto Bee]
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Is this a photo from David Wu's Christmas party?
Oh so many, many upfists.
This absolutely yiffs with Win.
looks like Snoopy is gonna need a lot of nickels.
Sewage monsters and the rise of giant rodents!
Southern California sounds like a post-apocalyptic hell.
Hey, at least we're not on fire, and we'll *have* rain any weekend now.
What, d'ya ask Perry to pray for rain or something?
Are you kidding me, that's a guaranteed recipe for triggering a 99-year drought.
No, our rains normally start in late September or so, although the weatherliar claims we have a 30% chance this weekend. Lyin' sack o' shit must not have seen the vegetation crisping in the heat on my hillside.
You sure about that? I thought for sure Perry had a direct line to Jesus. That's why Texas is a miracle! Yeehaw!
(I used to live in CA, remember the "rainy" season).
What, you get your geography info from HuffyPuffy?
Public school education.
Isn't all of California southern California?
LMFAO! I gather you haven't met people from the San Francisco Bay Area, whose hatred of all things SoCal is boundless…
Why there hasn't been a good ol' Dodger/Giants baseball beating in months.
but San Diego has some good points…like…taco shops. and we once had a really awesome music scene…but not anymore…and…buying prescription drugs in Tijuana. there we go! except for the stupid, drunk college kids and the poor children trying to pick your pockets…ok. never mind.
Hey, that's Rick Santorum in the driver's seat, amirite?
~
Rick Santorum will tell you it's a
PoorzGhey.Edited for teh obvious obliviousness.
He was right; gay marriage has lead to dog-raccoon marriage!!
Giggity.
Hey, take your pick of Ricks.
Okay, I pick Rick Roll.
According to this documentary I saw on Canadian TV, the tricks people use to keep urban racoons out of garbage cans, attics, etc. are making them smarter with each new generation (Natural Selection. Suck it, stupid hillbillies). It's no surprise they've decided to take over.
I for one welcome our adorable, masked overlords.
I'm with you. They wash their food before eating it more reliably than most humans.
Damn, that's what I was going to say.
Adorable masked overlords indeed. With their cute yet creepy yet cute little hands.
I had a raccoon move into the crawl space above my studio in the spring. They tried to set a trap for him but he settled in quite nicely. Built a nest above my bathroom and I could hear him shuffling around up there. I named him "Paco" and got a bit sad when summer came and he moved out.
Well that puts a new 'sacrament' in Sacramento! … simple as putting the 'coon' in coon-hound.
I like what you did there.
At least they're out there working for it. Welfare recipient in Nebraska could learn a thing or two.
Forget the baths. Tomato juice and lots of it. And vodka. Lots of it.
The breakfast of champs.
And for the skunked dog, hydrogen peroxide. Works like magic.
Rully? Thanks. What a Prince.
…of darkness.
Protip: tomato juice + skunkreeky gray kitty = slippery black cluster of bloodthirsty razor blades
Erm. Thanks. I have one of those (currently unreeky gray kittycluster of bloodthirsty razor blades).
Well, I'll still say the dog got sprayed if I'm ever buying vinegar douche.
Once upon a time I lived in the mountains outside of Denver. My dog went missing for a night, showed up the next morning not only skunked, but porcupined. My vet was not happy with us. After she was de-quilled a shower with lots of tomato juice helped us both.
It's Friday, which means it is time for "Doomer Porn with Ken."
I've heard of strange relationships with wild animals, but bathing with skunks is the weirdest yet!
These illegal coons come into this country take our rancid hotdogs, steal our racoon jobs! Build the damn wall already!
you can get Beavers to build a dam. it's kind of like a wall. will that work?
just make sure its not near any trees, those little bastards can jump
I recognize Christine O'Donnell, but who's the guy in the adorable raccoon costume?
Upfists into infinity.
Beagle libel!
It's Joe Walsh. He though the dog was his wife's lawyer.
How timely. Here in the urban center of San Francisco, I just chased one of these creatures out of my kitchen and inadvertently into a neighbor's apartment, where the screams could be heard for miles.
A raccoon scaled a sheer wall to get into my parents' bedroom once.
At least that's what they claim.
I've seen the ones around my building climbing up sheer walls, up pipes, up fences…we've even found them on the roof (4 stories up).
I see what you did there.
Hell, they're even setting up shop in Manhattan. They rip into to the trash before the sanitation trucks (municipal alarm clocks) start their early morning bump and grind.
Whatta wuss. (The neighbour, natch.)
Those little fuckers ain't afraid a nuthin', least of all hoominz. I was congratulating myself on having chased a mama and her babies out of my house (where they had been washing their food in my kitchen after turning the tap on), when the mama reared up on her hind legs and bared her teeth at me. Those are some impressive teeth.
Bastards are hoggin' all the WiFi, too.
That photo gets the win of the week.
Let 'em take over; us humans have had our chance to be in charge, and we've blown it; maybe the racoons would do better. it would be hard to do worse.
Return to the Planet of the Racoons! I get a percentage, right??
They do have opposable thumbs…
I get it. The Beagle is the American Middle Class and the Poor, and the Raccoon is the Republicans.
Complete with implied rabies.
And the resulting kid will be a Beagle Boy: a criminal Teabagger.
You are reading too much into this. Sometimes a photo of interspecies raccoon rape is just a photo of interspecies raccoon rape.
My neighbor had a dog named “Lucky”. In addition to being hit by a car on three separate occasions he was mauled by a raccoon necessitating over 100 stitches. Hence when I grew up I started the tradition of naming my dogs after famous punk rockers.
Sid Vicious?
That's be a cool name for a dog.
Iggy Pup and Chrissie Hound, Sid was a bit of a wanker.
My dog, George Burns, approves of your naming convention.
My dogs were pre-punk. They were Duane A. and Stevie Ray.
Lucky Strikes?
I named one of my dogs Yogi, after Yogi Berra.
(My daughter wanted to name him Jeter, but I told her to stick with the classics.)
I had a malamut my boyfriend named Bilbo (after Baggins, not the Senator) but that quickly degenerated into "Dildo". It was kinda embarrassing to call him home.
But the racoons aren't as ugly as the coyotes which we also have to deal with. Coyote ugly is special.
Yep the racoon will only fuck the dog, the coyote will kill it and eat it. Which sounds more republican to you?
All three: F it, K it then E it would be the republican way letting Snoopy know what's what…
You are correct, though not nec. in that order.
All of them, Katie.
Racoony-style?
Where does washing fit into this?
Hmmmm, weather's freaking out, Texas is even a more hell on earth, and Rocky and Blossom are starting to take their revenge?
I think I see a trend here.
I for one welcome our new raccoon overlords, who are bound to do a better job than the Republicans…
Raccoons are thought to be color blind.
And I've never seen one that was orange and wielding a nine iron.
So raccoons are Republicans, eh? You learn something new every day.
If the Rethugs were
honestnot so fricking hypocritical, they all woulda been wearing pantyhose masks at the Wednesday night debase. The racoony masks are too cute if they want to be sincere.Any mask will do, so long as your beagle can't identify her attacker.
Show me on the doggy dolly where the bad raccoon touched you …
The Repugs will make her pay for the rape kit too.
No, the Republicans are the tycoons.
Here is the perfect meme for the re-appearance of Sarah Palin! She, as president, can kill all small animals in California from the air!
She could just give a speech which would be like using those devices that protect a perimeter by emitting ultra sonic sound waves.
Everyone seems to be ignoring the skunks- they are uniting with the raccoons and based on the photo- the raccoons are trying to get the dogs involved.
Trying to get the dogs in trouble is what it looks like to me.
I was once proud to call a raccoon my grade school mascot, Riverton Heights Rascals FTW! Memories. Looks like they're cleaning the place up!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tomthinks/2246320739…
Raccoon nothing! Wait till comes moose and squirrel!
Why am I reminded of that old standard, "Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"?
"I've heard that lizards and frogs do it,
Layin' on a rock.
They say that roosters do it
With a doodle and cock."
I must say Cole Porter
Got away with a lot.
To give the raccoons some trash they'll really enjoy (if there's anything left over) here's your récipe for 9/11 chile verde, which I'm making right now:
1. Cut up about a pound each of pot-roast-quality beef and pork into 1" cubes, and brown in oil and transfer to a big pot. The more fat on the meat the better, as you're going to stew it all down, and if you're fussy, strain it off at the end.
2. In the remaining oil, sauté a diced green pepper and maybe a diced yellow onion, add to the big pot.
3. Open 2 1lb-12oz cans of tomatoes; add them and their liquid to the big pot
4. Also add two small cans of diced green chiles.
5. Start boiling this, and add a cup of red wine.
6. season with 2 Tsp cumin, a 1/4-tsp ea ground cloves and cayenne, pepper, a bay leaf or two.
7. Bring to a boil again, and cook covered for two hours, stirring and checking the seasoning. Your house will smell like hard-working Illegals at dinnertime.
8. Remove the lid and cook down to the desired thickness, about 40 minutes or so.
Enjoy tonight. It'll be even better reheated as the flavors merge.
Gracias. Su carta verde por favor.
Just as there is no vodka in a Martini, there are no beans in this chile. The original is from an old Sunset magazine, and you won’t be sorry if you try it. Takes a long time and makes a big mess, but there are no delicate cooking tasks – lots of time and room to adjust.
Sounds delicious. You're on. I can stand the mess; I've been living in Arizona for several years now. Gracias.
The liquid turns a beautiful brown the color of old mahogany furniture.
"….and add a cup of red wine."
It's okay, since I opened the bottle, to drink down the rest, right? Could this work with various (needing to be opened) Red Wine varieties???
That’s what I’m doing.
BTW: I have some tomatoes Mom gave me that she had put up from the garden this year. You have got me wanting to make this with those. Huge freezer bag of 'em.
Thanks for this!
Sounds delish! Snark and recipes. Oh Wonkette is there anything you *can't* do?
fabulous. i'm trying this next week.
Can I substitute raccoon?
Ranger Rick is fed up to here with this shit!
According to the Texas Department of Education, this photo explains where skunks come from.
Wow, Galileo, you so misunderstand creation science. God made the raccoon and the beagle just they way they are now, even the perverted ones.
So Noah had to put up with this shit? For forty days??
Well, it's his fault he named his tourism agency Non-Sequitour.
Zing!
Raccoon are best when taken in the winter months. Cut the jugular vein and hang by tail immediately after the kill. Keep cool until ready to dress. Remove the glands from under the front legs and fleshy part of the rear legs before dressing. Remove as much fat as possible from the carcass. Gut, remove head, tail, and feet, rinse well. In a non metallic container mix 2 gallons water with 5 tablespoons baking soda and 1/2 cup salt. Completely submerge possum in brine, refrigerate overnight before preparing. If you are going to store in the freezer for any length of time it is best to freeze in a plastic container filled with water with a tightly sealed lid.
Now the easy part: cut up the raccoon into 'parts' and place in a crockpot with halved sweet potatoes and well rinsed greens. Cook until raccoon easily separates from bones.
Will this work with Nutria (Swamp Rat) too? I am going to the farm in La this weekend. I might find one on the road.
Should be good with nutria and possum as well. Cook very slow to tenderize, use lots of hot sauce if need, and definitely drink a shitload of hard alcohol.
Taken together with T-Blow's recipe above, we've got the makings of a fine chili coon carne.
My, my. Cooking has come quite some way in Tejas since I was there. Back then after you ran over the critter to tenderize and gut, you'd take the possum, coon, armadillos, or whatever, stuff it with a couple of onions and chilies and then duct tape to the exhaust manifold. After a couple of hours of driving they were table-ready.
First they fucked the beagles and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a beagle.
Then they fucked the babies and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a baby…
i, for one, welcome our new Raccoon overlords.
at least three of us on here are traitors to the human race.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raccoon#Intelligence
in short, hide your kids. hide your wife.
And your dogs.
Hey! Tehy haz stoled mah icon!
The Racoons were created by man. They rebelled. They evolved. There are many copies. And they have a plan.
This Furries thing has just gone way too far.
Dogs and raccoons, breeding in the streets, mass Republican presidential candidates… apocalypse soon?
Apocalypse now.
Some of those raccoons are really hawtt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thzUR_mq6OY
Remember, Ranger Rick isn't just a (ra)coon any more…
This picture is where Walt Disney got the idea for The Beagle Boys.
Now that I think about it, the raccoon is making it clear that the unfortunate beagle is a male.
best photo since the dead rat in the toilet. Can we photoshop santorum's face onto that raccoon and make it his new blingee?
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-H-MDvJRIg8g/Tm…
YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN, SIR!
+1000 intarwebs
Man on dog sex, indeed!
How many merit badges did Rick earn in order to become a Beagle Scout?
Serves me right for marrying a fucking Beagle!
In my state sexual relations between dogs and raccoons is forbidden by law. This is why states rights is so important. What's next? Skunks wanting to shag my cat?
I seem to remember a cartoon about that. Don't leave any wet white paint around the house, outside, that's all I can say.
Who was that masked beast?
My cat used to get along quite well with the 'coons. Maybe not this much, but pretty close.
I really, really hope that was Photoshopped.
Also, why is nobody responding to the dogwhistle?
I…don't…. understand. We only want the suburbs…..today.
"i'm going to make you my regular saturday night thing."
I remember now. Raccoons have a penis bone. Not need for viagra. The girl Beagles all know this.
I hate to admit it, but Santorum was right; first Gay marriage, next thing, dogs and raccoons going at it coony-style.
Not in TX, anyway.
You want some of our rain? Here on the East Coast it's been wet since the beginning of August. Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why you've had to hide away for so long…
It rained here, a mere mile from California, just this morning.
Yeah, it's a fucking miracle there is still a Texas.
I've been gardening here for 30 years now, and the weather has changed so much, you would not believe it. I'm in the fog belt, which means, used to getting about two 80F+ days per year, if that. For the last week now, I can't water enough. Every day seems to be really hot and dry and everything is just losing leaves. And yet the fog still rolls in at night, so thick and heavy you can barely see the road.
Last year I got 100+ tomatoes off each plant. This year, I have about six, if that, and the plants are still blooming. I hope to gawd I don't have to eat green tomatoes all winter long. Grumble, grumble.
And given how often I'm in his bad books, I don't like to remind him.
She was asking for it, wasn't she?
Be grateful your'e not in LA, we can't get anything to grow, what with the heat and the fact that our house faces into the blazing sun and is about 98% glass. We tried to grow some plants a few years ago and the squirrels kept eating the shoots, I read somewhere that deer hated human urine, so assuming it might also work for squirrels, my beautiful, tall, rangy, aristocratic-looking husband used to come down every morning in his jammies and pee in all the planters. Reason #365 as to why I love that man.
Cue the Addams Family music…
Also, I only just noticed that the tagline up top is "Night of the Claw". Most appropriate.
Begging for it, that bitch.
I always have a nice visit. I think reports like this are a sneaky way to . . . . OH, I get it . . .
San Diego will be one big mass of chain stores in a couple of years. and then it will meet up with all the other chain store cities and devour the world. i imagine it something like this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grey_goo
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