night of the claw

Raccoons Begin To Cleanse Suburbs of Humans

It's you or him.Raccoons — “Nature’s Night Bear” — have long lived in proximity to humans and the garbage cans that are the primary symbol of human habitation. But the masked beasts have suddenly decided to kill everyone instead of just eating pizza crusts and tipping over Weber grills. This is happening now in Sacramento, and will soon be happening everywhere humans hide.

The Sacramento Bee reports on this new 9/11:

Another raccoon attack in urban Sacramento on Tuesday night has seriously injured a dog and startled a neighborhood. The third attack in two weeks, it suggests a fundamental change in the city’s relationship with its wild inhabitants.

The raccoon incidents come amid numerous skunk encounters in the city that have left dogs and people desperate for a bath.

Related video

A bath? Have these skunks no shame?! [Sacto Bee]

Related

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

156 comments

  1. Jason_inthe_Peg

    Sewage monsters and the rise of giant rodents!

    Southern California sounds like a post-apocalyptic hell.

        1. Pristine_ODummy

          Are you kidding me, that's a guaranteed recipe for triggering a 99-year drought.

          No, our rains normally start in late September or so, although the weatherliar claims we have a 30% chance this weekend. Lyin' sack o' shit must not have seen the vegetation crisping in the heat on my hillside.

          1. Sue4466

            You sure about that? I thought for sure Perry had a direct line to Jesus. That's why Texas is a miracle! Yeehaw!

            (I used to live in CA, remember the "rainy" season).

          2. Pristine_ODummy

            Yeah, it's a fucking miracle there is still a Texas.

            I've been gardening here for 30 years now, and the weather has changed so much, you would not believe it. I'm in the fog belt, which means, used to getting about two 80F+ days per year, if that. For the last week now, I can't water enough. Every day seems to be really hot and dry and everything is just losing leaves. And yet the fog still rolls in at night, so thick and heavy you can barely see the road.

            Last year I got 100+ tomatoes off each plant. This year, I have about six, if that, and the plants are still blooming. I hope to gawd I don't have to eat green tomatoes all winter long. Grumble, grumble.

          3. Limeylizzie

            Be grateful your'e not in LA, we can't get anything to grow, what with the heat and the fact that our house faces into the blazing sun and is about 98% glass. We tried to grow some plants a few years ago and the squirrels kept eating the shoots, I read somewhere that deer hated human urine, so assuming it might also work for squirrels, my beautiful, tall, rangy, aristocratic-looking husband used to come down every morning in his jammies and pee in all the planters. Reason #365 as to why I love that man.

        1. Callyson

          LMFAO! I gather you haven't met people from the San Francisco Bay Area, whose hatred of all things SoCal is boundless…

          1. poncho_pilot

            but San Diego has some good points…like…taco shops. and we once had a really awesome music scene…but not anymore…and…buying prescription drugs in Tijuana. there we go! except for the stupid, drunk college kids and the poor children trying to pick your pockets…ok. never mind.

  2. SexySmurf

    According to this documentary I saw on Canadian TV, the tricks people use to keep urban racoons out of garbage cans, attics, etc. are making them smarter with each new generation (Natural Selection. Suck it, stupid hillbillies). It's no surprise they've decided to take over.

    I for one welcome our adorable, masked overlords.

    1. emmelemm

      Damn, that's what I was going to say.

      Adorable masked overlords indeed. With their cute yet creepy yet cute little hands.

    2. hilacious

      I had a raccoon move into the crawl space above my studio in the spring. They tried to set a trap for him but he settled in quite nicely. Built a nest above my bathroom and I could hear him shuffling around up there. I named him "Paco" and got a bit sad when summer came and he moved out.

  3. SexySmurf

    At least they're out there working for it. Welfare recipient in Nebraska could learn a thing or two.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      Protip: tomato juice + skunkreeky gray kitty = slippery black cluster of bloodthirsty razor blades

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        Erm. Thanks. I have one of those (currently unreeky gray kittycluster of bloodthirsty razor blades).

    2. Geminisunmars

      Once upon a time I lived in the mountains outside of Denver. My dog went missing for a night, showed up the next morning not only skunked, but porcupined. My vet was not happy with us. After she was de-quilled a shower with lots of tomato juice helped us both.

  4. Come here a minute

    I've heard of strange relationships with wild animals, but bathing with skunks is the weirdest yet!

  5. baconzgood

    These illegal coons come into this country take our rancid hotdogs, steal our racoon jobs! Build the damn wall already!

  6. OneYieldRegular

    How timely. Here in the urban center of San Francisco, I just chased one of these creatures out of my kitchen and inadvertently into a neighbor's apartment, where the screams could be heard for miles.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      A raccoon scaled a sheer wall to get into my parents' bedroom once.

      At least that's what they claim.

      1. OneYieldRegular

        I've seen the ones around my building climbing up sheer walls, up pipes, up fences…we've even found them on the roof (4 stories up).

    2. Pristine_ODummy

      Whatta wuss. (The neighbour, natch.)

      Those little fuckers ain't afraid a nuthin', least of all hoominz. I was congratulating myself on having chased a mama and her babies out of my house (where they had been washing their food in my kitchen after turning the tap on), when the mama reared up on her hind legs and bared her teeth at me. Those are some impressive teeth.

  7. SorosBot

    Let 'em take over; us humans have had our chance to be in charge, and we've blown it; maybe the racoons would do better. it would be hard to do worse.

  8. jus_wonderin

    I get it. The Beagle is the American Middle Class and the Poor, and the Raccoon is the Republicans.

    1. Preferred Customer

      You are reading too much into this. Sometimes a photo of interspecies raccoon rape is just a photo of interspecies raccoon rape.

  9. Goonemeritus

    My neighbor had a dog named “Lucky”. In addition to being hit by a car on three separate occasions he was mauled by a raccoon necessitating over 100 stitches. Hence when I grew up I started the tradition of naming my dogs after famous punk rockers.

    1. Geminisunmars

      I had a malamut my boyfriend named Bilbo (after Baggins, not the Senator) but that quickly degenerated into "Dildo". It was kinda embarrassing to call him home.

    1. Beowoof

      Yep the racoon will only fuck the dog, the coyote will kill it and eat it. Which sounds more republican to you?

  10. DashboardBuddha

    Hmmmm, weather's freaking out, Texas is even a more hell on earth, and Rocky and Blossom are starting to take their revenge?

    I think I see a trend here.

  11. Callyson

    I for one welcome our new raccoon overlords, who are bound to do a better job than the Republicans…

    1. weejee

      If the Rethugs were honest not so fricking hypocritical, they all woulda been wearing pantyhose masks at the Wednesday night debase. The racoony masks are too cute if they want to be sincere.

  12. mavenmaven

    Here is the perfect meme for the re-appearance of Sarah Palin! She, as president, can kill all small animals in California from the air!

    1. jus_wonderin

      She could just give a speech which would be like using those devices that protect a perimeter by emitting ultra sonic sound waves.

  13. finallyhappy

    Everyone seems to be ignoring the skunks- they are uniting with the raccoons and based on the photo- the raccoons are trying to get the dogs involved.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "I've heard that lizards and frogs do it,
      Layin' on a rock.
      They say that roosters do it
      With a doodle and cock."

      I must say Cole Porter
      Got away with a lot.

  14. V572 T-Blow

    To give the raccoons some trash they'll really enjoy (if there's anything left over) here's your récipe for 9/11 chile verde, which I'm making right now:

    1. Cut up about a pound each of pot-roast-quality beef and pork into 1" cubes, and brown in oil and transfer to a big pot. The more fat on the meat the better, as you're going to stew it all down, and if you're fussy, strain it off at the end.
    2. In the remaining oil, sauté a diced green pepper and maybe a diced yellow onion, add to the big pot.
    3. Open 2 1lb-12oz cans of tomatoes; add them and their liquid to the big pot
    4. Also add two small cans of diced green chiles.
    5. Start boiling this, and add a cup of red wine.
    6. season with 2 Tsp cumin, a 1/4-tsp ea ground cloves and cayenne, pepper, a bay leaf or two.
    7. Bring to a boil again, and cook covered for two hours, stirring and checking the seasoning. Your house will smell like hard-working Illegals at dinnertime.
    8. Remove the lid and cook down to the desired thickness, about 40 minutes or so.

    Enjoy tonight. It'll be even better reheated as the flavors merge.

      1. V572 T-Blow

        Just as there is no vodka in a Martini, there are no beans in this chile. The original is from an old Sunset magazine, and you won’t be sorry if you try it. Takes a long time and makes a big mess, but there are no delicate cooking tasks – lots of time and room to adjust.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          Sounds delicious. You're on. I can stand the mess; I've been living in Arizona for several years now. Gracias.

    1. jus_wonderin

      "….and add a cup of red wine."

      It's okay, since I opened the bottle, to drink down the rest, right? Could this work with various (needing to be opened) Red Wine varieties???

        1. jus_wonderin

          BTW: I have some tomatoes Mom gave me that she had put up from the garden this year. You have got me wanting to make this with those. Huge freezer bag of 'em.

          Thanks for this!

    1. V572 T-Blow

      Wow, Galileo, you so misunderstand creation science. God made the raccoon and the beagle just they way they are now, even the perverted ones.

  15. chascates

    Raccoon are best when taken in the winter months. Cut the jugular vein and hang by tail immediately after the kill. Keep cool until ready to dress. Remove the glands from under the front legs and fleshy part of the rear legs before dressing. Remove as much fat as possible from the carcass. Gut, remove head, tail, and feet, rinse well. In a non metallic container mix 2 gallons water with 5 tablespoons baking soda and 1/2 cup salt. Completely submerge possum in brine, refrigerate overnight before preparing. If you are going to store in the freezer for any length of time it is best to freeze in a plastic container filled with water with a tightly sealed lid.

    Now the easy part: cut up the raccoon into 'parts' and place in a crockpot with halved sweet potatoes and well rinsed greens. Cook until raccoon easily separates from bones.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Will this work with Nutria (Swamp Rat) too? I am going to the farm in La this weekend. I might find one on the road.

      1. chascates

        Should be good with nutria and possum as well. Cook very slow to tenderize, use lots of hot sauce if need, and definitely drink a shitload of hard alcohol.

    2. weejee

      My, my. Cooking has come quite some way in Tejas since I was there. Back then after you ran over the critter to tenderize and gut, you'd take the possum, coon, armadillos, or whatever, stuff it with a couple of onions and chilies and then duct tape to the exhaust manifold. After a couple of hours of driving they were table-ready.

  16. Papa_Uniform

    In my state sexual relations between dogs and raccoons is forbidden by law. This is why states rights is so important. What's next? Skunks wanting to shag my cat?

    1. comrad_darkness

      I seem to remember a cartoon about that. Don't leave any wet white paint around the house, outside, that's all I can say.

  17. Schmannnity

    I hate to admit it, but Santorum was right; first Gay marriage, next thing, dogs and raccoons going at it coony-style.

  18. SorosBot

    You want some of our rain? Here on the East Coast it's been wet since the beginning of August. Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why you've had to hide away for so long…

Comments are closed.