flying turd monsters

Michele Bachmann Must Now Pray To Sewage Monster For Relevance

San Diego was apparently not the only place the Sewage Monster struck last night. It’s true, it’s on the Internet! That is our conclusion from watching two seconds of this Michele Bachmann “rebuttal” speech, a gospel of toxic ooze delivered in the dank purgatory of Washington last night, to tell Barack Obama he is an equally filthy wastrel. We almost did not notice, because that is not “our kind of porn.” 

This criminally boring rebuttal speech was her desperate attempt at a “comeback” to prove her relevance, sayeth the New York Times:

Her Thursday night news conference, in a House interview room, was an effort to reignite the buzz and regain momentum that her campaign has lost in recent weeks. But no television network carried it live, and Mrs. Bachmann took only a handful of questions.

The situation for Michele Bachmann is looking a little grim: her poll numbers have caught the pig AIDS, her campaign iscrumbling, she gave what can only be kindly described as a catatonic performance in the last GOP debate, and the Devil has already signed with Rick Perry’s team. Pray to the Sewage Monster, Michele, he is still a free agent. [NYTimesYouTube]

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203 comments

    1. Oblios_Cap

      The Flying Spaghetti Monster could beat the Sewage Monster without even breaking a noodle-y appendage.

      1. chicken_thief

        I don't know, Hunts Man was giving Mittens some lovey-dovey looks during the Debacle, eh, uh… I mean Debate.

        1. Pristine_ODummy

          Oh, but that's different. They're both Manly Men, you know, and will have a planet each to rule.

          Geez what fucking weirdos, they really believe that shit. I wonder if they've got their magic undies on underneath?

    2. An_Outhouse

      It wasn't a sewage monster. It was just Vitter's diaper after the Packers pounded the Saints last night.

    1. Terry

      She's going to finally break and try to beat up Marcus for getting her into all this. Shelley's going to end up in handcuffs soon.

    2. skoalrebel

      Depends on the mix [spit!] I recommend some Skoal long-cut, mixed with a little oxycodone. If yer lookin' for a bit of a pick-me-up, add just a pinch of meth to the mix. . Those migraines will be a thing of the past. You're welcome, Michele!

    3. Maman

      Is THAT the reason that the seal of the United States is off-kilter? I found it so distracting that I couldn't pay attention to anything that she said.

  1. DaSandman

    So…I assume medically there's no way to pump brains into that naturally occuring vacuum of a head, is there?

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    Meh…I'd rather watch that Estee Lauder commercial that was covering her crazy eyes.

    But if she wants to get back into the game, she needs to have Rick manhandle her like he did Ron Paul.

    1. Terry

      Oddly enough, that's sort of how Sarah Palin won the GOP primary in the Alaska governor's race, oh those years ago now. The Alaska GOP bigwigs were having a retreat and didn't invite her. She picketed the event, along with family and a handful of folks. The Republicans, being who they are, sent security out to deal with them. A big of shoving and all of a sudden, Sarah's getting sympathy and attention as someone willing to go against the Murkowski machine. True story.

      1. GOPCrusher

        It seems a lot of Republiklans/Tea Baggers must of picked up on that lesson. They say or do the most insane shit to provoke a reaction and then play the victim.

  3. Beowoof

    It it always a sad day when a queen of unintentional comedic import fades away. Michele and Marcus fading back into their lives of government jobs and handouts is a sad one for all of us who love snark.

    1. Terry

      Oh, girlfriend ain't fading far. She's still in the US House and will find a way to get a camera and microphone in front of herself.

    2. Flat_Earther

      I am really going to miss her. Marcus has been a bonus. Speaking of "bone us", maybe Marcus can go back trolling for that special guy who will "bone both of us".

    3. GOPCrusher

      She's reported to be going back to Ames for the Iowa-Iowa State football game. Plans are to wander the parking lots , meeting with tailgaters. And they are going to have a Michele Bachmann blimp flying around the stadium.
      If there is a Gawd, some drunken Hawkeye fan will spew his cookies all over the Batshyt One.

    1. rickmaci

      It's Michele (one L). Why oh why won't the lamestream libtard media give her credit for the conservative way she uses the alphabet by not wasting and squandering that extra L?

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        The extra "L" is the lamestream media's attempt to start a conspiracy that she is a closet "L"iberal…, as everyone knows there is a lot of closeting going on in the Bachmann household.

      2. Streiffert

        Marcus thought it was Michel when he met her. Imagine his surprise on their wedding night when he found out Michele the girl from Waterloo Iowa wasn't Michel the Belgian cross dresser…

    1. ManchuCandidate

      What a drag it is going down…
      "Voters are different today"
      I hear Michelle Bachmann say
      Michelle needs something today to calm her down
      And though she's not really ill
      There's a little yellow pill
      She goes running for the shelter of Bachmann's little helper
      And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day

      "Things are horrible today"
      I hear Michelle Bachmann say
      Getting taxes from the rich fuckers is just a drag
      So she yells cut gubbiment and she yell's taxes are too high
      And goes running for the shelter of Bachmann's little helper
      And two help her on her way, get her through her busy day

      Marcus please, some more of these
      Outside the door, she took four more
      What a drag it is going down.

      "GOPers aren't the same today"
      I hear Michelle Bachmann say
      They just don't appreciate that you need cash
      They're so hard to satisfy, You can tranquilize your mind
      So go running for the shelter of Bachmann's little helper
      And four help you through the night, help to minimize your plight

  4. ManchuCandidate

    But but but but but what about this talk in the MSM at how cunning and fabuuuulous and instinctual and surprising Bachmann Teabag Overdrive was going to be?

    Yeah, I didn't believe it then either.

    1. DaSandman

      The Baggers have some new corrupt cowboy fap material. Hell he tried to mount Ron Paul at the debate. I'll bet there are spooge stained scooters in tea houses all across this Great Land (TM)

    2. Pristine_ODummy

      Remember when we all were Warned (complete with Finger-Wagging) by Pundits that we ignore Mishmash BatshitKrayKrayMann at our peril? Looks like she's at 15:01 on the FameWhore clock right now.

  5. GunToting[Redacted]

    "If the president raises taxes, we already know it will fail based on past experience…"

    Yeah, the 50s were a pretty bleak time period for America.

  6. KeepFnThatChicken

    Michele, the private sector won't be able to do it without roads, bridges, airports and prayer. So you do the praying, and we'll do the rest.

  7. SorosBot

    Seeing her current poll numbers, and having announced she's not running for reelection to Congress, Michele was probably auditioning for a job at Fox "News".

      1. SorosBot

        But there's a good chance she might no longer have an all-wingnut safe district thanks to redistricting.

  8. HelmutNewton

    She seemed catatonic here too. Where's the crazy-eyed lunatic that we all know and love? Somebody tell her to lay off the anti-depressants!

    1. metamarcisf

      It's the anti-anxiety meds like alprazolam that are affecting her this way. It's beginning to be noticeable.

    2. Pristine_ODummy

      She barely lifted her fake-fringed eyes from her teleprompter, or notes, or whatever she was reading from.

  9. weejee

    Well she is showing the decreased brain volume side effect of Thorazine. But she missed out on the enlarged breasts. Oh well, Marcus wouldn't notice now would he?

  10. BarackMyWorld

    You know who else was egomaniacal and gave non-sensical speeches designed to appeal to national pride while scapegoating the wrong people?

        1. Pristine_ODummy

          Thanks, sunmusing. I'm always late to the party. It was very nice of y'all not to pick my chosen answer. :)

          1. flamingpdog

            Dude, I got thumbed down yesterday for noting that no one had said Hitler after 15 responses to a similar question. Someone need to 'splain the "Hitler Rule" once and for all.

          2. Pristine_ODummy

            Here it is then: Hitler is always the right answer to the question, unless it isn't; please wait for *me* to post Hitler, and don't just gad about casually poaching it as if I didn't exist.

            Howzat?

  11. chascates

    Her remarks on Obama's speech:
    “You don’t create jobs until you grow the economy. That’s how it works in the real world. I’ve been a part of the real world for all throughout my life.”

  12. Oblios_Cap

    What did the hell did she catch when she liplocked the Chimp? It seems like that Monkey Flu certainly is wreaking havoc on her higher brain function – or what's left of it.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    We mustn't resort to the same failed policies that have kept us teetering on the edge of disaster — we must instead resort to the successful policies that started the avalanche that got us here.

  14. RadioEnron9/11

    Shorter: Mr. President, you and your policies have failed, and anything you propose will fail. Free markets.

  15. philpjfry

    If God were to split the sky, pat Barry on the head and say "I am well pleased" These fuckers would still bitch

  16. prommie

    I hear worse every day, all day, from 9 to 5, from the office next to mine. I'm hearing it now. Its killing me slowly, a little bit, each day, killing me, just like Obama's policies are killing America.

    1. SorosBot

      Stories like this make me feel lucky, working for a plaintiffs' firm in the city; people here mostly say the same type of things about the GOP as on Wonkette, only with less fucks and shits thrown in.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Odd, how when gas was 4 bucks a gallon during the summer of 2008, it was the invisible hand of the free market, and we should all be thankful that Exxon/Mobil was raking in record profits. Now it's all President Obama's fault.

  17. prommie

    Oh, and Kirsten, shouldn't you attribute the idea for this article? Surely you read the comment on the blackout article in which the very witty reader said, referring to the million gallons of sewage, that they thought it was the wit and wisdom of Michele Bachmann being emitted in liquid form? And then you compare this speach to a sewage discharge? Come on, tell us, thats you, Carlos Mencia, isn't it?

    On edit, it was this post by: "3.2 million gallons of sewage? What happened, did they release the collective wit and wisdom of Newt Gingrich in liquid form? Or did his Port-a-Potty fall over?"

      1. LetUsBray

        Aw, that post is more dignified than Neut's ever been. I'll bet it never served its wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital with cancer, either.

    1. Sharkey

      I have noticed a pattern of comments later turning into KBJ posts. It might be a stretch in this case given that Newt is not Michele. Can't say it really bothers me much but a hat tip is considered noble.

  18. elviouslyqueer

    Oh Shelley, the only reason why the POTUS is "politically paralyzed" is because you and your fellow GOP crybabies and Percoset-addicted two-year-olds won't let him do anything because you hate the fact that he's BLACK.

    Shut up, go back to Minnesota, and dive into a nice big bottle of cyanide tabs because, let's face it, you've been voted off the island and irrelevancy awaits.

    1. DaSandman

      EQ, it all just plays into my theroy that Barry is the Jackie Robinson of America politics. He is paving the way for the next person of color/woman/gay/muslim American who gets the top slot.

      God love him.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        I will predict, again, that the next serious Democratic black politician who might think about running for President (should be Deval Patrick) will have to deal with a whiteguy-malaprop-article from Politico or WaPo or somewhere saying that the nation has "Black President Fatigue." This will spark predictable outrage for obvious reasons, while white folks acknowledge in non-mixed company that the nation has "Black President Fatigue."

  19. capnhuggyface

    maybe she should have looked to the side of the room instead of directly into the camera — that seemed to work well for her last televised speech

    1. jus_wonderin

      That speech reminded me of any commercial with a dog. The animal is always looking at the trainer, not the actor talking to it.

  20. Goonemeritus

    I’m sure even Pol Pot still has some supporters; Michele just needs to get out there and take her massage to every highway underpass in our great nation. One day the glass ceiling will shatter and a women will be crowned Queen of all hobo’s.

      1. Goonemeritus

        Damn now I can’t edit my spelling mistake. That said she might have more luck giving hobo’s massages then trying to get them to listen to her message.

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      Either that or some of her constituents will leave their comfy spots under the bridge and chase her with no good purpose in mind.

  21. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Marcus will not let her candidacy die, as how can he concentrate on "converting" teh ghayez if Michelle is always around the house?

  22. Monsieur_Grumpe

    It has been a wild ride huh Michele. Enjoy the downhill coasting.

    She does have that beaten down look. Marcus must be bitch slappin' her again. While I'm sure sissy slaps don't hurt that much I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.

    Is it beer o'clock yet?

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It is always beer o' clock somewhere. That's what keeps me going…, or, more accurately, passed out on the sofa.

  23. BklynIlluminati

    Don't worry Michelle you won't be alone at the bottom, good ol' Newt and Santorum are already there waiting for you

  24. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    I would totally agree with her. If I was a lunatic out of touch with reality.

    Everything he's tried hasn't worked, and what ever he's going to try won't work, and what ever he's thinking about trying and then doing the opposite of that won't work. Even the things he ISN'T thinking of trying and not doing won't work. How did this guy even get to be preznit anyway?

        1. jus_wonderin

          Bacon, if you kindly give me that number I will check to make sure it is safe from Identity thieves.

          1. baconzgood

            Some Ugandan prince has it. You see he needed to hide money in my bank account. He's going to give me 10% of all the money he hides. He's a nice guy and introduced me to a Russian Model that's going to marry me.

          2. jus_wonderin

            I understand. I am still waiting for the deed to my beach front property in Arizona and a bridge to be delivered. I got it for a steal.

          3. HistoriCat

            If you need a little pharmaceutical enhancement for those special moments with that Russian model, I can get you some medications which will help out – if you know what I mean.

  25. JoshuaNorton

    Dear Michele. I'm having some friends over tonight. Do you serve red or white wine with mood stabilzers?

  26. Sue4466

    Well, thank god she doesn't use a teleprompter like that smartypants Obama.

    Nope, notes on the podium in front work just fine.

  27. Eve8Apples

    If she wants to boost her audience, she should just eat state fair corn dogs in front of the cameras.

  28. fuflans

    this is only slightly off topic and speaking of sewage and porn:

    i just posted the ads for our annual blowout garage sale and sent them to my friends. one of them just wrote back and asked if i was interested in selling gay porn.

    too right.

  29. Devilette

    If she backs out from the prez race, will she try for her old seat or try a run at Senate (Amy K's seat)? I know she said she wouldn't try for Rep seat, but we all know how that goes.

    1. Rotundo_

      Who knows what "god" will tell her to do? Her relationship with him seems to be one of those Magic 8 ball things where she keeps praying until she gets the answer from him she wants. Or does Marcus hide just out of eyeshot and do his best James Earl Jones imitation and play her like the fool she is?

  30. Guppy06

    By my reckoning, this leaves Santorum as the only true-believer Teabagger left in the race.

    EDIT: Here, let me expand…

    Romney: Romneycare
    Perry: Crypto-librul
    Cain: Vested interest in keeping people too poor/stupid to buy good pizza
    Huntsman: Actually worked for/with Hussein Obama
    Paul: Wouldn't execute teh gheys without a constitutional amendment
    Gingrich: Too "career politician" and not "Mavericky" enough.

    Without Bachmann, this leaves Santorum as the only asshat who actually believes the vile things he says.

  31. x111e7thst

    Michele, listen to me, you need to step up the crazy. Like when you got that lip-lock on the Shrub after the State of the Union. Except this time you should punch someone. I suggest Newt or Rick Santorum. No one likes them and they are too wimpy to hit you back.

  32. Tommmcattt

    Out of curiosity, what would constitute our "kind of porn"? Bernie Sanders reading excerpts from Noam Chomsky while the soundtrack wafts out Rufus Wainright's last two albums?

    Just wonderin'.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Bernie Sanders Alan Grayson reading excerpts from Noam Chomsky Herbert Marcuse and early Susan Sontag while the soundtrack wafts out Rufus Wainright's Erasure's last two albums?

      Fixed. And FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.

  33. chicken_thief

    Being in touch with my feminine catty side today, I think One L should just go away. But whoever does her fucking hair should be shot.

  34. fartknocker

    Michelle, the one true winner in your exercise in democracy is Country Singer Randy Travis. He laughed all the way to the bank while saying thanks for sponsoring him at the Iowa Fried Butterfest Electionpalooza.

  35. mavenmaven

    I actually tried to watch the full talk on youtube but ended up almost gouging out my eyes and ears. And does she really have no insight into how absurd her words are, about the "free market" creating jobs? The "free market" is why we have no industry in this country any more.

  36. Chet Kincaid

    Oh, how can anyone regard that overmedicated hag when the Fair Queen Of Wistful Divorce sits in the next div over, gazing fretfully into the future?! She walks in beauty, like the night…

  37. Come here a minute

    Michele's troubles are over! With her appearance on the Tonight Show next Friday, get ready for the huge "Leno Bump".

  38. buffalogal

    Wow! That was shockingly bad … even for her. She looks just defeated and pathetic. What happened to our old spunky bat shit crazy eyes Michele?

  39. AznMom420

    I know how to fix the recession started by the bank crisis, GET MORE FUCKING BANKS YEAH BITCHES.
    - The Free Market Maverick

  40. User3665

    I decided to read a left-wing blog to see what types of comments you folks were making. It's really as bad as I thought. Personal attack after personal attack. Things about her appearance, her makeup, falsely accusing her of being a drug addict, etc, etc…Just think what you would write if a right-wing blog said these things about a female leftist candidate. Your heads would explode. Interestingly, none of you have taken the time to debate or make counterpoints to what Bachmann actually said. She makes more sense in 5 minutes than Obama does in 3 years. I know it's like arguing with a wall, but I will say it anyway. This president is destroying our country. Whether or not it is purposeful or accidental has not been decided yet, but he is indeed destroying us. EVERYTHING has turned to crap under Obama—everything. How can you continue to support this guy? It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Is your hatred for George Bush so intense that you are unable to see the forest for the trees??

  41. jus_wonderin

    "Perry is out where the buses don't run."

    Out where he can't even hear Mommie call him in for dinner?

    OT: My brother Paul and I used to be way back on the property. We'd hear a crow caw and yell back toward the house "Moooom, not yet."

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