Despite consistently ranking somewhere below “Have No Opinion” among likely GOP voters in the last 300 or so presidential polls, loser rotted marshmallow Newt Gingrich has refused to drop out of the race. He’s persistently delusional if nothing else. But this poses an existential dilemma for his imaginary supporters: if polls do not think Newt Gingrich is a real human, is he actually just as imaginary as they and his Twitter followers are? “I have people tell me on a regular basis, ‘Gee, are you still running?’” Newt said to no one in particular. Gee, Newt, that is a good question. Can a nonexistent person run for president?
TalkingPointsMemo managed to fish this information out of the void:
Gingrich blamed the press for his predicament, his favorite target in the last two debates as well.
“The elite media decided in June, July that I was too conservative, too aggressive, and decided I was out of the race,” he said, calling the coverage “self-fulfilling.”
Those are absolutely none of the reasons that Newt Gingrich is boring to the media, but we’ll probably agree with him on “self-fulfilling” campaign apocalypse whether or not the media was involved. [TPM]
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If it means no more Newt, I'm ready to let Brian Williams and Steve Doucy select the next president.
Could it be that Newt's "campaign" is merely marketing scheme to "sell" more of the "books" that Newt¹ will write²? Those Tiffany bills won't pay themselves.
_______________
¹ = some hack freelancer with no principles, or maybe Callista
² = transcribe/transliterate from Newt's taped maunderings
Those Tiffany bills won't pay themselves.
I don't know, considering that he had a credit balance in excess of $500,000 with Tiffany's for several years, and yet apparently does not anymore, perhaps they did.
Irrelevant corrupt shitbag upset at being called irrelevant corrupt shitbag. Only way Newty-Toot wins is if he suddenly discovers the power to shit Tiffany Cuff links on command and pass them out to the GOPer primary voters.
He's got an account there.
He's going for the triple McCain.
I hate that photo. I don't like it when empty animal suits pretend to be human. I also don't like the elephant next to her.
I know. That thing next to the elephant really needs to tweak it's fursona. Too fake.
Jeez, you want coverage, just borrow $5 million from Tiffany's and go on a cruise.
..Newt said to no one in particular
Doesn't that sum up tweeting right there? As a non-twitterer, I was just wondering (to no one in particular)
Considering that most of Newt Toot's army of duh are pretend people (not real pretend people like Celebutards, but fake like Callista's love for him) Twitter accounts, it's actually worse.
Newt will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of.
Pillsbury Doughpocalypse!
You say "Dough" I SAY "Douche" lets just call it a Santorum pile.
Bitter, bitter, sour doughy pantload. Hey Barb, love the avapuppy!
Thanks!
Hey, what happened to the sleepy kitty?
Should I change back?
You should use what you want; I had just gotten used to the kitty.
Kitty it is. Her name is Pawleen.
I guess she married him for his trunk. Or the Tiffany jewelry.
At least he still has a great campaign manager to guide his team through the………what?
NEVERMIND.
Newt knows everyone loathes him. He's playing for VP now so he can be a big, fat bag of dicks to congress all the time and nobody can tell him what to do. Plus, his speaking fee will go up far enough that he'll be able to get that new wife he's been thinking about before he goes on another 'Family Values' tour.
Makes sense: Nixon, Agnew and Cheney showed that being a Satanic ratbag douche is no obstacle, and may even be an advantage, for a VP.
He just wants to get behind the desk and make some Big Decisions. Then with the extra large speaking fees he can prove that diamonds are a girls' best friend.
isn't Democrats should pray to Baal or Shiva or whatever, so that Newt still running so he can be a giant sucking vacuum cleaner for GOP campaign donations?
Good point. (commences praying furiously)
Newt has to blame someone. It's not like he can spin around and kick his own ass.
But his ass is a big enough target.
Been a longggg time since that good ole boy could look down and see his pecker.
Could he ever? Cocktail sausage?
Now, see, if he could just do that, his speaking fees would double!
Perhaps if he was a human being instead of a horrific, Tiffany-loving human/elephant hybrid, he might poll better.
Oddly enough, guy in costume less made up than Mrs. Newt to the Third Power.
He's much less cartoonish.
So if you shoot the Newt at high speed through two slits what will you see on the detection screen on the other side?
Physics phenomena for the win
A pair of marshmallow goobers since he never mastered the wave thing.
A third slit? Callista?
Physics, sheesh… I always thought the heavier ball would hit the ground before the lighter one, and that's why me and the boys outvoted Galileo.
Depends …. is "Newt" short for Neutron?
Non Existent (flabby) White Trash.
FTW.
It's a trick question; Newt is too massive to fit through the slit.
That shouldn't stop Science from trying…repeatedly.
Whatever it is, it won't be normal. Sorry, bad math humor.
That only works for quantum particles, ,ones that obey all the laws, including when you're not looking. That doesn't fit the Newt Model very well.
On the other hand, he's eminently qualified to generate a complex interference pattern, one that is not explainable by any human logic.
Can't be him next to the blonde wax figurine. Adult Newts have lizard-like bodies and return to the water every year to breed. But maybe he's still in the terrestrial juvenile phase–yeah, that's the ticket, except for the terrestrial part.
I b'leev Biel_ze_Bubba will attest to Newt's being, heh, frozen in the subterranean phase.
Media PRO TIP: if you want to unboringize something about Gingrich, don't look at the Tiffany's credit line; Callista has a firm grip on that. You'll find evidence of the next mistress when a big line of credit opens up somewhere else, maybe Zales or Kay Jewelers.
Today we are all cubic zirconiums.
He went to Jared. Not the store though, just some guy named Jared selling Roolexes on the street.
The Jared Newt needs to visit with is the Subway sandwiches Jared.
That's a very unappetizing thought, pdog.
Umm Newt it's not the media, it's not the liberals, or even the fact your own party refuses to support you in any meaningful way, to put it plainly Newt no one wants to vote for a shitbag.
Unless the shitbag is a current or former Governor of Texas, that is.
Coulda fooled me, it looks like that's *all* the teabaggers want to vote for.
Well, if a philandering, bile-filled, hateful goiter can run for President and no one notices we're in bigger trouble than I thought. Oh, and fuck you Newt. See? I noticed
Poor Newt, the marshmallow avenger, the libtarded media has shoved a stick up his ass and is roasting him over a campfire.
excuse me, sir. can i have s'mores?
do NOT want.
Srsly.
Gingrich and Santorum
Sitting on a stick
Ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick.
Surely I get *some* form of compensation for the hot tea shooting out my nose and dribbling onto my fave and only clean teeshirt?
my comment and the ensuing nightmares are your retroactive and future rewards. you're welcome :)
I sense a certain … unhelpfulness, there, poncho. It's almost as if you don't care that I had to wipe my glasses off on said teeshirt, too, which is now largely tea and much less shirt.
Cheer up Newt. I'm sure you will do well with voters who have a half million dollar credit line at Tiffany's – all six of 'em.
"Can a nonexistent person run for president?"
Why not? We've already had a parade of empty suits on the ticket.
Pat Paulson, without humor or votes.
We've upped our standards, Newt …
Go ahead, complete the sentence, you know you want to.
Mr. Gingrich, I just *know* your personal responsibility that your party represents so well, is buried in there somewhere … in those Michelin Man folds where the media spotlight don't shine~
Personally, I feel sorry for Callista. She has to "Kortney" Newt's "vegetable."
Or maybe just "pack" his "trunk".
Oh I doubt that. She'd have to lay off the Botox for at least three months before she'd be able to unclench her jaws.
That's the price of whore diamonds.
Newt, you can't go around speaking in complete sentences and making the occasional logical thought and expect the GOP electorate to take you seriously. If you want votes and attention, you have to start calling Social Security a ponzi scheme and insisting that you can get gas under $2 a gallon.
While you're at it, some hair and makeup tips from Marcus Bachmann wouldn't hurt.
Not to mention a lifetime subscription to Weight Watchers. PROTIP to Newtie: Remember Haley Barbour? Even the most rabid GOP fanatic doesn't want to vote for a corpulent, bloated, egomaniacal, Southern blowhard.
Ah, Newtie. From "Who's Who", to "Who's That?". Couldn't happen to a more deserving douch nozzle.
Is that what Vitter meant when he sent his "who dat" missive?
Time for a gig on Dancing with the Stars?
Partner him with Nancy Grace and it would be like watching two hippos doing the huckle buckle.
Points for "huckle buckle"!
jqheywood:
"…we'll do the Huckle Buckle 'til the wagon comes."
- "Gimmie a Pigfoot, And A Bottle of Beer" – Bessie Smith
That's some good stuff – the real deal!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003W4FJ2K/ref=d…
“The elite media decided in June, July that I was too conservative, too aggressive, and decided I was out of the race,” he said, calling the coverage “self-fulfilling.”
The elite media responded: "Newt who?"
I thought it was the media elite noticing that his entire campaign staff quit en masse
That's interesting, most of the pack seems to be to the right of him. Hell, Newty seems to be less crazy, but more opportunistic (ok, Perry is a bigger opportunist) than the rest of them. I just figured it was Newt! fatigue on the part of the republican voters. He's only a mediocre asshole now, others have taken the asshole mantle and pushed the envelope beyond Newt's impressive skills as one.
hurry up and get out of the race newt, shelley and santorum need your loser position.
As long as he can still accept campaign contributions, isn't that all that really matters?
He's America's Republican family values and ethics poster boy and candidate. What's not to like?
“The elite media decided… I was out of the race,”
"Elite Media"? And average media and your campaign manager and your twitter "followers" and… everyone.
Now go… just GO!
Gee are you still running you doughy fat fuck? YOU ARE?!?!?! But you suck.
I just hope this unlikeable, doughy asshole does enough damage to his reputation that he won't be regularly invited anymore to go on cable TV and babble mean-spirited nonsense.
Right Newt, It is the fault of the press for pointing out that you are an irrelevant, loathsome, bag of corporation paid for shit. It is not your fault for actualy being an irrelevant loathsome bag of corporate paid for shit. Welcome to the republican party. where personal responsibility is checked at the door. Jackass
Newt, just showing up to the debates instead of doing any campaigning and making it obvious that you're just running for President to get attention while putting no effort into actually getting any votes is not "too aggressive"; in fact it's kind of the opposite.
I recognize that French horn player from Fairfax, but who's Newt Gingrich?
Newt should follow Palin's lead and use his breasts. And get rid of the mannequin.
Hey, Newt. Follow the Sarah Palin path to name recognition: Quit.
I wonder if she has any tattoos. If so where and what?
Abandon all hope ye who enter here tramp stamp and just above the mons.
? http://landofnolove.tumblr.com/post/1306788162/do…
From the looks of things she had those eyes tattooed on her face.
That way, she doesn't actually have to *look* at Newt.
Too aggressive (in marrying as often as possible) and too conservative (in limiting himself only to grown women).
And am I the only person who sees the oxymoron in "aggresively conservative?" Is "reactionary" too big a word for them?
"And am I the only person who sees the oxymoron in "aggresively conservative?" "
You would be in a room of today's republicans but an old-schooler like Barry Goldwater would definitely get your gist.
Fascist is shorter and more to the point.
if polls do not think Newt Gingrich is a real human, is he actually just as imaginary as they and his Twitter followers are?
This reminds me of that great Borges story, "The Garden of Forking Graft"
There is an amazing scene early in Peter Brook's Mahabharata where Ganesh says that Krishna is coming and may already be here. He then removes his elephant head and is Krishna. Is it possible that once elephant Newt, the nonexistent candidate, has spoken long enough about himself that he'll remove his head and actually become Sarah Palin?
Too bookish. Needs moar buttsecks.
Calista is starting to look more and more like some sort of predatory bird. I can't decide which kind, though. Maybe a griffon with red lipstick? http://www.birdswallpapers.org/wp-content/uploads… A white vulture, maybe? http://www.biolib.cz/IMG/GAL/126228.jpg
Predatory? Please. Calista is all booby or GTFO.
Are gargoyles birds?
“I have people tell me on a regular basis, ‘Gee, are you still running?’”
People do NOT ask you that… they can tell you haven't walked in years… let alone ran.
Plus, I'm pretty sure people don't talk to him on a regular basis, but got out of their way to avoid contact with the shambling mound.
DaRooster:
He's so big and slow, I don't think even his refrigerator is running.
It's empty anyway so…
It's time to put the elephant in it?
Newt is a self-styled "idea man." The GOP prefers candidates who have no idea. Is it any wonder he is not making headway?
At this point Newt is only running for a better time slot on Fox. I hope he gets it that way at least Tiffany’s will see a recovery.
Hey! Did "Constant Comment" or "Intense Dingus" or whatever this comment app is disable hyper-links or is it just me? Internet without hyper-links = fail.
He should enjoy these glory days while he can. By next year, he'll just be "that fat guy married to Calista" when she's dancing with the stars.
Having never watched this show I can't know for sure, but my guess is, it features neither "dancing" nor "stars".
Gave up TV several years ago, so I only know of it via teh innernits mocking the fair Brisket getting mock-banged on the floor to make her special needs mom proud.
When you complain about not being considered serious, it is way too late to be considered serious. Go back to teaching history or poli-sci at some Georgia backwater shithole Newt. If Callista takes a powder, there are plenty of young dumb undergrad girls to hit on and polish your family values scepter.
"i really thought that someone who had shut down the federal government in a spiteful display of arrogance would have a shot at the presidency this time around…"
Newt has become the proverbial elephant in the living room! Its there, but noone will acknowledge it!
If you burn a marshmallow to a crisp, could we breathe in its toxins?
“The elite media decided in June, July that I was too conservative, too aggressive, and decided I was out of the race,” he said, calling the coverage “self-fulfilling.”
Further, Gingrich went on to explain that his recent weight increase was also due to "self-fulfilling."
Newt's problem is that no one has taken him seriously since the mid-1990's. He's been toast since his own party threw his big white ass out of office.
Now, he can still go on ClusterFox and have those losers pretend anything he says is relevant. Sheer uh "Am i uh An Idiot?" uh InSannity can suck up to him and keep asking when is he going to run for President. But that's not real life.
He can write crappy books full of lies about American history, and unreadable fiction, and give speeches no body cares about, and make money from Newt Inc. but the fact remains there is no there there.
On another note, you gotta love another conservative playing the victim card. Jon Stewart nailed it! The lamestream media is worthless – bypassed by the "New Media" and ClusterFox. Unless, of course, the right wing nutz need somebody to blame, in which case "the liberal media" is the most powerful public opinion engine on the planet.
Changing from a newt to an elephant is some trick. If only it would make itself disappear.
This is one of those times in life where if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.
It is always someone else's fault, isn't it Newt????
Of COURSE Gingrich must still exist. Tiffany's hasn't gone bankrupt yet.
If only the media elite really had that kind of power. Perry would never have left Texas, and Bachmann would still be misquoting American history to the mosquitos in Minnesota.
"Newt Gingrich Upset People Continue To Ask Him If He Still Exists." Shit, I'm upset BECAUSE he still exists.
That's the opening frame of a sex video I do not want to see!!!
"Gee, are you still running?" is better than what T-Paw got. "Gee, were you running?"
That woman is horrifying
If I predict that Gingrich will stroke out in the next 5 years from his steady diet of anus steaks and rhesus cups, would that be a fool-self-filling prophecy?
Poor Neuters.
The way his poll numbers are going Callista is going to have to become terminally ill so he can dump her and marry Miley Cyrus just to make the cover of the Enquirer
"elite media". Heh, heh. Good one.
Is Fox considered "elite", now? Because I am pretty certain that they hate his fat white ass as much as most everyone else.
I just got a mental image of Calista and Newt furtively screwing.
The horror. The horror.
Isn't a newt some sort of a slimy critter?
Wanna get some attention here in god's country, Newt? First, cover yourself in hideous tatoos. Next, get even fatter. Then proclaim yourself a singer, even though even a rock band would reject you.
Callista was excellent in "Independence Day."
Newt's putting on a bit of weight…
Purrfect!
I agree with everything you are saying, but can't a man dream?
Damn, I actually work rather than read Wonkette on the job and I miss the whole avatar kerfluffle!
I know. Good thing I don't have a jerb anymore, huh?
tell that to the coffee stain on the wall behind my monitor. these are tough times. we all have to make sacrifices.
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