We cannot read through all 1,004 comments from last night’s debate liveblogging — this is why comments are robotically moderated, and why we depend upon you to alert us to spammers ‘n lamers who must be banned — but a cursory glance last night revealed that nobody matched the goblins in our Republican Debate Blingee with their corresponding “real life” candidates. So we are going to deal with this issue using the time-tested methods of American-Corporate Democracy: You all spend a lot of time and energy voting, and then we’ll announce the predetermined results!
Here is your Number Key/Bible Code:
The unnumbered characters in the top row are, left to right: The American Flag, the Devil and Jesus arm rasslin’, a burning Pentagram, and Saint Ronald Reagan the Demented. (That’s Lucifer the Lightbringer, from teevee’s Twilight, in the bottom-left corner.) And now it’s up to you to match the numbered goblins to their familiars. Winner gets praised in a Wonkette post, which is better than a kick in the nuts!
{ 96 comments }
#1 is Romney – he's the only one who has horns in real life.
None of them have small enough bodies or big enough hair to be Bachmann
Do I win?
#4. Michele Bachmann. Y'all cleaned her up pretty good.
Duckface!
Ol' Crazy-Eyes….I'm gonna miss her.
I second that vote for #4
4 is newt i think, shelly is 5
I know the jowly goblin in the upper right hand corner. That's Raygun!
Four has to be Bachmann. I mean, look at that crazy dead-eyed stare.
Plus, she's looking off-camera.
"?" is certainly Palin. Wha'd I win?
#8 is Santorum – he's the farthest to the right.
a burning
PentagramPentagonNever Forget!
#4 looks the most professorial: Newt.
That debate would have been a lot easier to take with the teenaged, pre-anorexia Jennifer Connelly, and David Bowie's tights-clad bulge for the ladies/gay men.
#2 is Santorum because he is a frog.
#3 is Sarah Palin. I'd know that gray mustache anywhere.
well i don't know about these new fangled number games, but i'm pretty sure liberal jesus up there is gonna get his ass whupped by satan.
Are these knob-goblins, or regular old hobgoblins? Number 3 is wild-eyed crazy old man Ron Paultard, for sure, and the smug-goblin number 8 has to be Rick Perry, look at the hair. The fat number 2, the one who looks like such a pussy, thats the whining Newt-creature for sure. I agree about 1 and 4, but damned if I know who 5, 6, and 7 are.
They all look covered in Santorum to me.
Where's my iphone?
#1 is Perry, of the Longhorn State. #4 is Bachmann, as mentioned above, but I recognize her by her corn-dog-fellating gape.
It's a trick question; every one of them is actually Toby, the off-screen crying baby.
I think we have a winner here
No fair, half of them look like Miche1e.
~
1 Santorum, note past comments on bestiality.
2 Mittens, he is a toad
3
4 Perry, because of the hair
5 Bachmann, looks demented
6 Cain, only black example
7 Looks like Chris Christie, but he isn't a candidate
8
? Got to be Huntsman
That would leave #3 as Paul – yeah I think you nailed it.
Umm..All of them, Katie?
They all look a little like Ron Paul.
Did you realize all babies look like Paul Simon?
I think they all look like Winston Churchill. Or Ike.
Definitely. Especially when you make them smoke cigars.
#2 is Ron Paul! Why doesn't the media pay more attention to him?
#8 is Ron Paul. Almost looks like he's actually thinking before opening his mouth.
Sorry, just listening to last night's debate was struggle enough.
But I'll say 'cut taxes' is the answer.
Sheesh, it's just a picture from Gollum's family reunion.
which one is the fire-starter?
And which one turns off The Magnet?
It is like Trilogy of Terror and I am Karen Black
oh nice.
now i will have nightmares again like i did when i was six.
Shit, I can't even identify some of the "real life" candidates…
1. Perry – newcomer, at the front
2. Romney – covering mouth to stop him saying something awful as usual
3. Old man Gingrich
4. Bachmann – center-stage, stupid looking
5. Cain – pushing himself to the front of the lessers
6. Paul – r[love]utionary.
7. Santorum – at the back, like a naughty schoolboy
8. Looks like Cheney… what's he doing there?
?. Palin?
Not visible: Huntsman, being ignored
"stupid looking"
Oh, come on!
I was talking about the goblin, not the familiar…
"The stupid-looking one" is like saying "the rich one," "the hypocritical one," or "the one who loves the cock."
#4 is either Michele B because bug eyed stare and screeching or the PaulTard Blimp.
1. Michelle Bachmann
2. Michelle Bachmann
3. Michelle Bachmann
4. Michelle Bachmann
5. Michelle Bachmann
6. Michelle Bachmann
7. Michelle Bachmann
8. Michelle Bachmann
What'd I win???
All of them, Katie! And good luck with that.
"I don't see Ron Paul! Stop ignoring Ron Paul!!! RON PAUL WON THE DEBATE!!1!1!!!"
– Random Paultard
The Devil is totally buff in that pic and is so gonna kick Hay-seuss's ass (I don't mean the one he rode in on either). Where do I place my bet?
Oh, #3 is Ron Paul. Just look at the eyebrows.
It looks like #5 has boobs, which would make it … Newt Gingrich.
What a bunch of scary, evil looking fucks!!
And then you put up this?
Since none of them are looking directly into the camera, they are all Bachmann.
Needs Moar Griphook.
nerd.
i say that with love.
1. Ronald Klan Paul
2. Her Man Cane
3.Ricki Sanitarium
4. That scary-lady canidette-preznit
5. Satan
6. Matt Romulan
7. Wreck Parry
8, Noot Gengrich
Or is this a trick thing and they're all Rick Penis?
The ? is definitely Chris Christie. I demand to see his girth certificate.
Slightly O/T but what ever happened to Gary Johnson? He's like Richie Cunningham's brother; One day he went upstairs with his basketball, and then nobody spoke of him ever again.
They're rooming with Judy Winslow from Family Matters, Seven from Married With Children, and the pre-Markie Post public defenders from Night Court.
His inept campaign staff continues to send us press releases using CC: instead of a mail list or even BCC, so if I ever wanted every political reporter's email address (I don't), now I have them all.
Which Jesus is Brian Williams?
Can't I just whine and complain and get the prize? It worked back when Michelle Bachmann got re-elected.
"You all spend a lot of time and energy voting, and then we’ll announce the predetermined results!"
One could say that of many things.
#8 Freaks me out. So it must be Rick S.
1. Wrath Perry
2. Greed Romney
3. Sloth Gingrich
4. Michele Bachmann
5. Pride Paul
6. Lust Santorum
7. Envy Hunstman
8. Gluttony Cain
?. Fred Karger
Totally nailed it.
Very win.
Even the NY Times remarked this morning that Romney's hair grows more intensely dark on top and more intensely white in those tabs near his ears. Do we really want a President who sports the same Middle Eastern despot dye job as Mubarak sported and Sadam Hussein, as well? Hair as black as ink. Plus, the guy is seriously not funny, not witty, not amusing. His press conferences would definitely suck, although, after our Chinese Overlords call in our debts to them, will our titular President even be allowed to hold unsupervised press conferences?
Turds all basically look alike. But this blingee does make it apparent that Jesus looks like Billy Ray Cyrus in a straight jacket, and Satan looks as if he would be a tremendous lay.
#1 is Perry(check the hair),#2 is Huntsman(sp?who cares?)# 3 is Paul( Where did the 'satche come from?)#4 is Bachmann(mouth is open)#5 is Santorum( well , it just is!)#6 is Cain( he's nervous )#7 is Mittens( he's trying to hide), #8 is Newt(it's clearly just a photo of him), ? is Sarah( look her hair IS falling out.) Please send my ipod. Thank you.
#8 looks disconcertingly like John McCain. You just know he's lookin' for an A-4D Skyhawk to crash into/onto something.
This bodes epic FAIL for me if I even attempt. I don't know my Gremlins from my Ghoulies' references. Needs more Saruman IMO — and I don't even remember much LOTR from my one viewing of that either.
Fun fact, if OT: Monday will be the 50th anniversary of "City of the Dead" a.k.a. Horror Hotel which, having viewed on the teevee late one schoolnight past bedtime and rendered me mute with terror, made me a fan of Christopher Lee for life.
Hey, this is a trick. I don't see flag pins on any of them.
They only one I know for sure is #3 Ronald Reagan.
1) Sarah
Todd
3) Bristol
7) Track
5) Willow
6) Piper
?) Trig
Opp's, sorry, my bad.
Wrong contest.
sounds right to me!
Okay, here goes:
1. John Huntsman – that muppet actually looks like an erudite world traveller who doesn't know if he should advertise it or deny it, and who's just running for fun anway.
2. That has to be Rick Santorum's last iota of sense — see how hard it's struggling to keep his mouth shut?
3. Wilford Brimley, who is the secret presence at every Republican debate.
4. Michele Bachmann, rockin' the ancient-muppet-sex-toy look.
5. A tattooed, cross-dressing wild-eyed spawn? Ringer for Meghan McCain.
6. I'd recognize that deer-in-the-headlights look anywhere, but I didn't know Eric Cantor was running. Oh wait — it's Newt, all discombobulated because he remembers when he was the craziest right-winger around, but just can't keep up.
7. The little dark-haired troll humping the first crazy bastard ass he could find? Rick Perry.
8. I think I dated her once.
?. That's Brian Williams' pasty-faced co-questioner, or else that cardinal that Michelangelo hated so much he made his likeness a devil in his Last Judgment.
So #4 is Bachmann then by common agreement?
OOOOH MY GAWWWWD!!
Osaka did it better.
1 – Santorum (identical in every way)
2 – Gingrich (big head, clearly trying to take back something he said)
3 – Cain (facial hair the Hermanator always wanted)
4 – Bachmann (mouth is open)
5 – Perry (nasty thing at the front of the pack)
6 – Mittens (looks worried)
7 – Paul (in danger of fading back into the darkness from whence he came)
8 – Huntsman (he's the purdiest, all dressed up with a headscarf. Ack! He's a Mooslin lady! No wonder Obama likes him! Help!)
? – Pawlenty, photobombing for old times’ sake
They all look alike to me.
Is that racist?
#4 looks like me in the morning.
But where's da black Guy/goblin?
1 – Santorum (identical in every way)
2 – Gingrich (big head, clearly trying to take back something he said)
3 – Cain (facial hair more befitting the Hermanator)
4 – Bachmann (mouth is open)
5 – Perry (nasty thing at the front of the pack)
6 – Mittens (looks worried)
7 – Paul (in danger of fading back into the darkness from whence he came)
8 – Huntsman (he's the purdiest, all dressed up with a headscarf. Ack! He's a Mooslin lady! No wonder Obama likes him! Help!)
? – Pawlenty, photobombing for old times’ sake
Add me to the #4 is Michele contingent, #5 is Rick Perry #3 is Ron Paul, and #1 is Mitt because he looks the fanciest.
But which one will be crowned the Goblin King?!
Sounds like the goblins might have a strong case of defamation being compared to the GOP debaters. Class action!
The consensus so far:
1: Perry (4/10)
2: Romney (3/10)
3: Paul (5/10)
4: Bachmann (9/11)
5: Perry (2/7)
6: Romney (2/6)
7: Perry (2/6)
8: Gingrich (2/8)
?: Palin (2/6)
Why, yes, it has been a while since I've had sex. Why do you ask?
You could score big over at Nate 's I bet.
I got this one__1 Mittens__2 Mr. Paultard__3 Texas Perry__4 Blachman__5Spoogtorum__6Hunt something(I forget)__?the dark horse face Sarah Palin
? = Paw … who?
1 = Perry
2 = Mittens
3 = Ron Paul
4 = Bachmann
5 = Herman Cain
6 = Huntsman
7 = Newt
8 = Santorum
6 and 5, and 3 and 4, seem to be doing anal. So one of them must be Santorum. That's all I got.
Is the one whose face is covered in HPV warts rick santorum?
1. Mitt Romney
2. Newt Gingrich
3. Ron Paul
4. Rick Perry
5. Michelle Bachmann
6. Rick Santorum
7. Herman Cain
8. John Huntsman
? Palin
"You will be hearing from our attorneys…" The Goblin Anti-Defamation League.
So who the hell won?
Republicans, of course. They have you-know-who in their corner; and I don't mean Jeebus.
those bulging cock-eyed, uh, eyes gave you away no. 4 – Or should I say Michelle?
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