OUR NATIONAL DISCOURSE  1:17 pm September 8, 2011

Angry David Vitter Busts Out His Best White Guy Jive Talk

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

The only true victim of Washington's partisan bickering and life in general is David Vitter.Diaperman David Vitter sent this bizarre, victimized email to our inbox explaining to the negative four people who care that he will not be able to host a Saints football game in Louisiana because of Harry Reid being a horrible tool who forces him to do his job occasionally. David Vitter is so mad he will even get out his ALL CAPS and his street talkin’, because football. Ain’t no Washington fool gonna pen in David Vitter. You feel him, prez? Whatever, that’s whack, he still knows WHO DAT. 

David Vitter don’t have time fo’ this nonsense, he gots to be back in his crib. Haha, “crib.” Okay, that one would sort of make sense. David Vitter, stop talking to everyone like they are your prostitutes. [David Vitter's Spam List]

 
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{ 159 comments }

donner_froh September 8, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Imagine forcing a United States Senator to be present at a certain time and place in order to cast a vote.

Kenyan anti-colonialist mentality at its worst.

WunkRocker September 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I mean just because they got 1 month off to fuck around on vacation. Mofo Reid wants him to spend all his time doing what he's paid for. Sheeeeeeit.

DaRooster September 8, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Beeotch!

MOG2410 September 8, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I believe this is offending his delicate LA sensibilities.

fuflans September 8, 2011 at 4:21 pm

'fighting for our future' means something different in LA i guess.

dyedwool September 9, 2011 at 12:25 am

It does. It means "Diaper up and pass the Tabasco(tm)!"

ManchuCandidate September 8, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Sounds like someone needs a diaper change.

ifthethunderdontgetya September 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Or a Huggie.
~

Beowoof September 8, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Over his face as that seems where most of the poop is coming out.

Not_So_Much September 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Probably had one scheduled for this evening and has been pounding spicy cajun food for days in anticipation. Now his timing, and sexxy fun good times, is all fucked up.

Jukesgrrl September 8, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Vitter E-mail translated to baby-talk: Whaaaaaaaaaaaa, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, whaaaaaaaaaaaaa,

MissusBarry September 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Yep, poopypants, it's all a left-wing conspiracy to deprive you of a football-watching party. I'm sure you're the only poor soul who has to work when they'd rather be watching the game at home. The Congressional schedule is just brutal! I mean, you were only in session, what, two days this week? Perhaps we could tighten up the old budgetary belt by paying you fools an hourly rate.

V572 T-Blow September 8, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Fly in Tuesday, meet Wednesday, fly out Thursday. Brutal! Luckily they all, probably even the locals, have reserved spots within easy walking distance of the terminals at IAD and DCA. You'll recognize them when you hump your bag in from Lot W.

MissusBarry September 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I think Lot W is actually in my apartment complex.

Sharkey September 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Yes because football is more important than, you know, your job.

Texan_Bulldog September 8, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Well, in his defense the NFL does keep the black unemployment rate down a point or two.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 8, 2011 at 1:44 pm

And I have heard that the NFL and some coke will get hookers all fired up.

Terry September 8, 2011 at 1:46 pm

So, has Vittor actually ever done anything during his time in Congress? Honest question.

OneDollarJuana September 8, 2011 at 2:10 pm

He's done some hookers.

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 8, 2011 at 1:57 pm

And this is why Nevada has no NFL team.

AJWjr. September 8, 2011 at 5:12 pm

But we had the most awesomest XFL team!

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:23 pm

I have an XML team.

AJWjr. September 8, 2011 at 11:48 pm

What are you, some elitist with a jerb or something?

genxr September 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

If only Obama had agreed to give his speech yesterday… lousy democrats, they hate sports!

NorthStarSpanx September 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Then they'd argue he was trying to distract from those Eight Men Out (Michele can count as a Black Sox) trying to field questions one expects in a debate for us to judge whether they should occupy the White House. Does EVERY question to GOP candidates count as a "gotcha."

TanzbodenKoenig September 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

So is "Saint's Game Party" what they call a diaper-wearing-hooker-fest where you literally get away with murdering the people who expose you and somehow still remain a Senator, these days?

dyedwool September 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

WHO SHAT.

bumfug September 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

So now what's he supposed to do with that case of Pampers?
"Dem biyotches in the DC gon' wish dey nevah fucked DIS up!"

DerrickWildcat September 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Sounds like a lot of money to spend to go see your team get slapped around.

donner_froh September 8, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Does Wonkette have a new super-secret intern named "Piyush" or is that what Vitter calls everyone he doesn't know?

PubOption September 8, 2011 at 1:30 pm

It's 'Bobby' Jindal's real name. What could he and Vitter be plotting at this party?

Barb September 8, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Oh well, looks like his wife will have to have the party on her own. Just as long as she has chips who cares if there is no dipshit there?

Sparky_McGruff September 8, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Wife? No, he's mad that he already paid the escort service.

flamingpdog September 8, 2011 at 1:26 pm

"Pens in those who would have skipped speech, like me."

If only Harry Reid would put you in a pen, like those folks that violated Dubya's "free speech zones". And I ain't talkin' about no playpen for diaper babies, mo'fo'!

Oblios_Cap September 8, 2011 at 1:48 pm

"Pen" must be jive for "Depends™".

Sue4466 September 8, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Sucks to be someone who HAS a job, right Vitter? And to have to cancel your party to listen to the President talk about maybe trying to get some fucking jobs for the rest of Americans who probably care a bit more about whether they'll be able to continue feeding their kids and living indoors than whether the Saints go to the SuperBowl.

elviouslyqueer September 8, 2011 at 3:13 pm

I love this SO MUCH, Sue. Now with your permission, I'm going to copy it verbatim and post it on every. single. newspaper. website. in Louisiana.

Sue4466 September 8, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Glad to help. Go'head. Every time I think about this dick whining, I get a whole new level of pissed off. And what really pisses me off is that so many fucking people think the GOP is on the side of "jus' folks" cause they fall for that bullshit Sarah Palin shtick.

MathIsHard September 8, 2011 at 1:27 pm

That ain't jive, that's scat.

Respitetini September 8, 2011 at 1:33 pm

This isn't going to get nearly the upfisting it deserves. Well done.

Limeylizzie September 8, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I saw what you did there, genius.

ibwilliamsi September 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Cat scat…

BarryOPotter September 8, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Patsy!

Chichikovovich September 8, 2011 at 3:08 pm

I'm speechless. Maybe the cleverest thing I've read for months.
[And really, literally speechless. Because the moderators aren't approving anything I post, probably including this exercise in futility.]

Texan_Bulldog September 8, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Egad, this dude is still in office & yet Weiner had to go because he … what did he do again? I vaguely remember it wasn't illegal and no bodily contact was ever made and no one went to jail….totally slips my mind. Good thing Vitter is a Republican.

anniegetyerfun September 8, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Dat be family values, yo.

I THINK that that is how Vitter might put it.

Come here a minute September 8, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Senator Vitter sure is lucky that missing a football game is his biggest problem. A lot of people in the country are worried about unemployment or flooding, but I guess Louisiana is doing fine.

ifthethunderdontgetya September 8, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Why isn't PoopyPants² in prison, where he belongs?

WHY?

² AKA Dave the Shitter
~

littlebigdaddy September 8, 2011 at 2:15 pm

They would never have convicted him. You know, "If it's covered in shit, you gotta acquit."

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:27 pm

aka ShittyVitty, on the NOLA blogs.

freakishlywrong September 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Thank goodness I was wearing my CubicleHuggiez™. That post made me shit my pants.

Chillwaver September 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Huggies or Pampers, David?

Rosie_Scenario September 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Harry Reid is a "Dirty Birds" fan? What does that mean? And should Vitter ever talk about "Dirty" anything? Makes me think of diapers.

mayor_quimby September 8, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I don't see why Harry would be a falcons fan, I think he is going to the hated rival well instead of accusing him of loving the queer 49ers.

donner_froh September 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

It's his party and he'll cry if he wants to.

anniegetyerfun September 8, 2011 at 2:27 pm

And drop his pacifier. And scream and throw a tantrum and get his head stuck in the bars of his crib.

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:28 pm

And poop his didies.

x111e7thst September 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Sounds to me like Dave is a bad sulky boy who needs a spanking.

MOG2410 September 8, 2011 at 1:48 pm

No, he'd enjoy that way too much.

Maman September 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm

I would blame the NFL. They shouldn't be scheduling games on school nights.

SheriffRoscoe September 8, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Hey dis ya boi David, fightin' for our future an shit, yo.

freakishlywrong September 8, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Haven't these lazy tools been off on vacation for like, a month? How about we make your Senate seat a casualty of "Washington partisanship"? Worthless fucker.

4tehlulz_lite September 8, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I thought the Republicans were all about putting the lazy and shiftless to work.

Beowoof September 8, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Except when its a republican actually asked to show up to his job.

mumbly_joe September 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I thought the Republicans were all about putting the lazy and shiftless to work death.

Fix'd!

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Thanked and also upfisted.

Nit: should add ^^ not-white not-rich ^^ between "lazy" and "and."

SudsMcKenzie September 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Does anyone here speak Jive?

Tommmcattt September 8, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don' wan' no help, chump don' git no help. Jive ass dude don' got no brains anyhow….

EatsBabyDingos September 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

HO DAT?!?

DaRooster September 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I'll be there… his wife asked me to come… and again.
Meh, it pays well and she is always very thankful…

Lucidamente1 September 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

"Saints game party at home." Vitter uses the phrase twice–is it code for something?

DaRooster September 8, 2011 at 1:58 pm

"Saints game party at homeo."
Sai, gae party homo?

fixed?

Flat_Earther September 8, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Dammit, he had some whores lined up… Oh well, another BJ in the office.

V572 T-Blow September 8, 2011 at 1:35 pm

One thing you wouldn't want to do at one of Vitter's luxury box parties at the Superdome is get between him and the herd of lobbyists angling to get close enough to suck his cock.

Limeylizzie September 8, 2011 at 1:35 pm

David Vitter can suck my big, black dick.

Oh how I wish that were true, in any way, shape or form.

Chet Kincaid September 8, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Hey!! Loan out your own equipment!

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Oh, Lizzie! If you could arrange the victim, place, and time, I could arrange handcuffs, a ballgag, and a big black strap-on for you.

We could sell the film for MILLIONS!

EatsBabyDingos September 8, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Dave's not here, man.

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Not after hearing that, anywho.

MaxUdargo September 8, 2011 at 1:37 pm

I don't even know what "my Who Dat resolve" means, or references, or anything. It's gibberish to me.

Which means David Vitter is hipper than I am. Sigh.

SheriffRoscoe September 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Means he's a Saints fan, my nigga. Keepin' it real. And so forth.

prommie September 8, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Back in my day, you whippersnappers, when Wilbur Marshall was playing for Florida, the defense had a cheer, it went "who dat, who dat, who dat say Gator D can't jam." I presume there is some Saints variant.

DaRooster September 8, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I think it come from years, decades of losing… when they finally started to win ('cuz of Drew Brees primarily)… they wondered… "Who Dat?"

Isner_Mahut September 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I believe it comes from the saying "Who dat dere dat say dey can beat dem Saints?"
Which, if you think about it, explains very little.

Chet Kincaid September 8, 2011 at 4:21 pm

You lie! Wilber Marshall was conceived in the mind of Mike Ditka, and born in Soldier Field on a bright September Sunday morn!

JoshuaNorton September 8, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Maybe they should tell him there will be an execution and free snacks provided. Apparently, wingnuts will show up in droves for that kind of shit.

Callyson September 8, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Someone needs a spanking…and wasn't Harry Reid a boxer at one point? I'll pay to see the Reid – Vitter match, stat…

EatsBabyDingos September 8, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Reid was a boxer, Vitter is a panty.

Limeylizzie September 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I love Harry Reid for doing this, just saw that vile bastard, Joe Not an Eagle Walsh blathering on about how Hopey has diminshed the Presidency.

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:34 pm

No chance of punching him in the nuts, dear girl?

Sparky_McGruff September 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Strangely enough, when I see Vitter write "pens in" I can't help but read it as "penis". Must be subliminal.

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Ah, yeah, that was my thought too.

DerrickWildcat September 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Whoops, did I say party? I meant Town Hall meeting. Yesiree, a Town Hall meeting in my Skybox.

DaRooster September 8, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Bring your $15…

Weenus299 September 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

NFL openers and the Super Bowl should be national federal holidays.

Slim_Pickins September 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm

with no mail delivery

Jukesgrrl September 8, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Yes, because I'm sure all the people who live in refrigerator boxes want to enjoy the game on their 60-inch flat screens in peace.

prommie September 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

You mad, bro?

AJWjr. September 8, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Jelly.

baconzgood September 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

What the hell is WHO DAT resolve? Is it somthing you clean your upholstery with?

freakishlywrong September 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm

David Vitter cant tell you if his life Depends on it. He just hears the po' and brown folk say it and makes him seem as though he's a regular Joe. Y'know, "street".

NorthStarSpanx September 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I think the guy who feigned mental illness to get special needs caregivers to change his diapers as a way to get off is hotter than Vitter. And more Senatorial.

Come here a minute September 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Government nerd question — is this his official email or his campaign email?

Warpde September 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Well DAT what you get for not inviting Harry to your parta's.

EatsBabyDingos September 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Bet Diaperman was looking forward to the Cialis commercials.

mookwrthwilson September 8, 2011 at 1:45 pm

He's gotta get back to Louisiana…those hookers aren't going to kill themselves…

LesPaultard September 8, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Proof of party over country.

mrblifil September 8, 2011 at 1:59 pm

From the man who invented potty over cuntry.

proudgrampa September 8, 2011 at 1:46 pm

WTF?

SexySmurf September 8, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Harry Reid is a party pooper.

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Ah, no, that would be ShittyVitty.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 8, 2011 at 1:47 pm

You have to understand, an NFL game is the one time that Sen. Vitter gets to see black people, other than when he orders one up from his madam.

Oblios_Cap September 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

That Vitter – he's so whack!

mereoblivion September 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Guess when he doesn't get Pampered enough he starts to sound Vitter.

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 8, 2011 at 2:00 pm

He just needs some Huggies.

littlebigdaddy September 8, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Is Piyush a new jam band?

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:37 pm

I wish someone would jam Piyush "Bobby" Jindal into a band. Of steel.

ProgressiveInga September 8, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Douchebag is douche-y.

DaRooster September 8, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Pass the Douche-y on the left hand side…

mrblifil September 8, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Nice thing about being a diaper fetishist: the bon temps can roulez around in your pants for quite some time before funtime starts and "Nanny" gets to say WHO DAT!

DashboardBuddha September 8, 2011 at 2:00 pm

or WHO SCAT!?

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:38 pm

No. You're just making it too easy.

Oh, all right.

Or, WHO SHAT?

SayItWithWookies September 8, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Honestly Senator — go ahead and stay the fuck home.

GlowneyHouse September 8, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Harry Reid once again attacking small business. This under-publicized "NFL" is trying to get a little media exposure to push their unknown product to the American public and Obama and the Democrats are trying to keep them down.

And Vitter deserves to be pampered…. and powdered and put down for a nap.

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:39 pm

But only after his little bottom has been spanked to a bright crimson.

Allmighty_Manos September 8, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Who dat? Who dat? Who dat say dey gonna change my pampers?

Mahousu September 8, 2011 at 2:04 pm

This should come as no surprise – Vitter got his start in politics at a very young age, campaigning against the assignment of homework on nights when "very special episodes" of Saved by the Bell were scheduled.

SorosBot September 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Shorter diaperman: it's all about me-me-me-me-me.

Instead of Harry Reid, you might want to look at the NFL, for scheduling a game on a Thursday for some reason; football is supposed to be on a Sunday, and then you'd have no problem.

mumbly_joe September 8, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Yeah, god forbid you fucking be obliged to go to fucking work instead of a fucking football party, you fucking baby. The rest of us (the ones who are lucky, at least) have to fucking show up to work too, you know.

Fuck you.

Sincerely,
The American people.

Guppy06 September 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Vitter will be too busy creating (sex worker) jobs to attend.

Wilcoxyz September 8, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Is this the same Vitter who used to call the DC Madam during senate votes? I guess voting just isn't fun anymore.

HarryButtle September 8, 2011 at 2:09 pm

He's coming off a month-long vacation, right? He's back for 2 days, and now he wants MORE time off? To watch a fucking football game? Love to see him try that shit if he was working in the real world…"Sorry, boss, I can't make that meeting because I scheduled a football party for that day."

Wilcoxyz September 8, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Wanna see what a Saints watching party looks like at Vitter's place?

Seriously.
http://www.bestofneworleans.com/blogofneworleans/

Devilette September 8, 2011 at 2:38 pm

wow, that's almost sad to look at. I can't help but giggle.

genxr September 8, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Wow. Coke AND Diet Coke. Dat's off da hook!

elviouslyqueer September 8, 2011 at 3:20 pm

I still can't figure out why Vitter is pretending to be a Saints fan, when he lives in fucking Metairie, for God's sake. I mean, the only reason why Metairie even exists is because whites needed a place to live after all the filthy blacks took over NOLA.

BTWBFDIMHO September 8, 2011 at 3:28 pm
DaRooster September 8, 2011 at 3:50 pm

FTMFW!!

widestanceshakedown September 8, 2011 at 2:15 pm

If his duty is just too heavy a load for him to carry, then it's time for a change.

pdiddycornchips September 8, 2011 at 2:17 pm

That Piyush guy must be the top. They can't both be bottoms can they?

Limeylizzie September 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

OT but Tamron Hall is so hot today, she has amazing shoes on.

Chet Kincaid September 8, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I always rose early back when she was doing the local morning show in Chicago.

Limeylizzie September 8, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I bet you did, that woman is so gorgeous, she has amazing skin and eyes. Just beautiful in a really aesthetic way, I could look at her all day long.

anniegetyerfun September 8, 2011 at 2:25 pm

God, he looks so fat in that photo. Was Vitter always that fat, or is his head just expanding because he's holding in his feces until he can get with a hooker again?

Barrelhse September 8, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Plyush?
Tell me more.

genxr September 8, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Who's ready for some jobs legislation football?!!

ProudLibunatic September 8, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I call bullshit!
Piyush? Never!
Very entertaining, though.

Good one, Harry! (For once.)

DaRooster September 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Creating Jobs!! Someone has to cater this white bread, diaper-fest! Oh and take out the trash also… too.

Chet Kincaid September 8, 2011 at 3:57 pm

"Who Dat" is some kind of New Orleans/Saints Fan code, and besides, white folks and cajuns from Louisiana sound vaguely "urban" anyway, which is why God tried to destroy the general area.

AJWjr. September 8, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I cringe when I hear my younger lily-white sister from Napa say it, too. And she used to be such a genteel 9ers fan…

gurukalehuru September 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Not a serious football fan, but now….
Go Packers!

Jukesgrrl September 8, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Next Vitter thought: "And what if the Texas wildfires spread to Louisiana?!?!?! That would be a huge tragedy because the smoke might interfere with the receivers' ability to see the football. Note to self — call Ricky Perry and ask him how to stop those fires."

Damn, I used to like the Saints. Now the thought of cheering for them makes me feel skeevy.

Pat_Pending September 8, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Who dat say 'who dat' when I say 'who dat'?

Oh. Vitter. Think he means 'who shat?'

fuflans September 8, 2011 at 4:20 pm

i cannot believe this senatorial boil is still on the ass of congress.

An_Outhouse September 8, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Wish I had Fridays off like PoopyPants thinks he does.

loulouroo September 8, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Go ahead, whoremonger, skip the vote. Please? I'll be here in NOLA in the black and gold and I would rather have your moronic voice here than in Washington where you can do more damage.

owhatever September 8, 2011 at 6:41 pm

David says he's sorry, but doing his job was not part of the deal. Hookers, diapers and football … putting America back to work.

ttommyunger September 9, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I'm sorry, but I have quite a few people in and from Louisiana; there are no deep thinkers in that group; thus, continued representation by the David Vitter type. That's just the way it rolls.

Pristine_ODummy September 8, 2011 at 11:51 pm

I wish. Just a geek with geeky friends.

I mean, I did have a job, oncet.

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