Hello fiends! Your editor is back tonight to do some hot Reagan Death Zombie liveblogging, and your other editor will be here later to take over, and if there was EVER a week to come back to Wonkette and “mind the gap” or whatever, this is a very bad one indeed. TONIGHT: Eight sociopaths suffering from various delusions and mental illnesses will grasp the cold dead mummy of Ronald Reagan and try to sex it up, for 9/11. They are at the world-famous (forgotten except for once every four years during presidential debate season) Ronald Reagan Mausoleum located beneath a foreclosed landfill in Simi Valley, California. Never heard of Simi Valley? Neither have the people who live there. It looks like Texas after the wildfires: a burnt orange moonscape of tract home skeletons and nuclear waste. It is the Future of America, which is coming very soon, and which actually began 10 years ago, in the same way the Thousand Year Reich of the Dark Ages began with the Sack of Rome in 410 CE. Nunquam obliviscar.
4:29 PM — We shall use the Pacific Time Zone, as this is where the GOP debate is taking place, although the true year is unknown, other than it is the Time of Orcs. And we will take this brief moment while the jabbering imbeciles of Cable News fill the pre-game airtime to say a) Yes, I am here again this week! And yes, we are STILL looking for Wonkette Juniors to assist your Daytime Person, Ms. Boyd-Johnson. Please, help her.
4:36 PM — So what has been happening? Apparently, you people are all still reproducing. Please stop that. There are six-and-a-half billion too many people. And we’re going to spend the evening with eight of them onstage, and a bunch more talking into teevee cameras and applauding like brain-damaged seals each time “Ronald Reagan” is invoked.
4:43 PM — Rick Perry’s aides “acknowledge that debating is not among his strongest skills.” So what are his strongest skills? Practicing his love on corndogs.
4:44 PM — Good god, just look at his previous attempts at televised debating. Well, he’s certainly comically dumb enough to follow George W. Bush to the White House.
4:47 PM — If you’ve ever wanted to watch inept Corporate Meeting-style video feeds and Mike Allen having a brave fight with an invisible Static Monster, you want to go here.
4:51 PM — Jon Huntsman will respectfully not interfere with the crazy people tonight because he “has laryngitis.” Did Rick Perry corndog his throat?
4:56 PM — Do you want to watch the debate “the Wonkette way,” in a crappy little Web video deal? Well here you go, courtesy of MSNBC:
4:58 PM — Life just hasn’t been the same here at the West Coast Newsroom since we gave away the teevees and quit covering any news. Where is the Bullshit Grandeur of a GOP Debate inside a chickenshit little Web video rectangle? WHERE IS AMERICA’S PRIDE, we ask?
4:59 PM — A: Dead and buried.
5:00 PM — Your frenemy Kirsten Boyd Johnson is working the Wonkette Twitter Feed right now! Go do whatever one does, in another browser tab, on Twitter!
5:00 PM — Spectacular space! Spectacular Reagan gravesite! Under the wings of the 9/11 planes!
5:01 PM — Brian Williams and John Harris (blogger?) are here to bring the Republican Orgy of, er, Ideas!
5:01 PM — Whoa, Americans apparently think Innocent Republicans had something to do with the eight years of sewage that flowed out of the Republican administrations of Bush/Cheney?
5:03 PM — Brian Williams: “Texas is full of illiterate jobless cretins. Are you the man to make sure that is true for ALL of America?”
5:04 PM — Rick Perry: “I’m proud of that. Proud. GOP Pride.”
5:04 PM — Massachusetts was just below Texas in terms of Awfulness, when Romney was governor of Romneycare. Why won’t Mitt Romney correct the past?
5:05 PM — Whoa, Mitt Romney was able to have 4.7% unemployment in Massachusetts when unemployment was nationally at about 4.7%.
5:07 PM — Governor Mormonbeam, is it true all your business ever did was act like a giant robot vulture, to America? (And with that, our MSNBC video feed dies. Oh, this country and its infrastructure ….)
5:07 PM — Governor Perry, you’ve had that purty mouth clamped onto the public teat your whole life, the same way you clamp it upon a corndog. Why is that?
5:08 PM — Romney made an Al Gore Internet joke! This gets a big laugh from these fucking idiots who still pay $11 a month for a free AOL email account.
5:09 PM — Perry says, “Michael Dukakis created more jobs than you, Mittens.” Mitt freezes, with only his pinball eyes still shooting around madly.
5:11 PM — Rick Santorum’s tie is a lovely shade of Santorum.
5:11 PM — Herman Cain is going to CUT TO THE CHASE … by mumbling incoherently. The 9/11 tax plan.
5:12 PM — “Skin in the game,” Herman Cain Pizza Porn Not Right For America!
5:13 PM — Jon Huntsman is vying for the coveted “Is that Pawlenty or … eh, who cares” vote.
5:13 PM — We are NOT the most “blue sky, optimistic people on Earth.” We are getting realistic about our prospects, which don’t exist.
5:14 PM — Brian Williams softballed Bachmann, jesus …. “Which campaign speech points would be easy for you to recite right now, Congresswoman Bachmann.”
5:15 PM — Michele Bachmann is a mom. She’ll solve black and Latino unemployment because she will treat them like the children they are.
5:16 PM — GO RON PAUL what is UP mah hobbit?
5:16 PM — Cars safe, air control, jets, what are those things? The Free Market can do that! Look how well the free market provides people with jobs and health care and education! (The Free Market should kill 300 million Americans, obviously. What would that leave? THE RICH PEOPLE BOOYAH.)
5:17 PM — How about let Ron Paul rant about the Imperial Wars? It’s a setup!
5:18 PM — Bloated turd Newt Gingrich is here to insist he is still a candidate.
5:19 PM — Newt Gingrich will write a forward for any book at all, as long as you give him some Tiffany jewelry trinkets to give to his latest office whore. In fact, Newt is writing the forward to Wonkette’s new book, Newt Gingrich Eats Shit and Burns the Flag.
5:20 PM — But, uh, Obama is “committed to class warfare and bureaucratic socialism” because he’s not at a GOP debate talking to Herman Cain. Uhh …. (Biggest applause of the night, obviously!)
5:20 PM — The blogger from RedState or Politico or whatever asks, “Mitt Romney, how much do you love the gay marriage Obamacare you created in Taxachusetts?”
5:21 PM — And listen to Mitt Romney sounding briefly sane while explaining the government health care scheme he created … about how poor people are using emergency rooms for basic care. And then listen to him say the SAME THING is wrong for the rest of the nation. Masshole.
5:23 PM — Rick Perry wants all the FEDERAL MONEY for federal health insurance, so he can use it how he likes, because his wife is a nurse. So, just shovel the FEDERAL MONEY to the states so they can give it to whatever crony corporate buddies they want. The issue is whether or not Rick Perry gets to give the FEDERAL TAX MONEY to his friends.
5:25 PM — How will Jon Huntsman theoretically fix national health care, as Obama’s China diplomat? Have a nation of white Mormon middle-class voters who don’t drink or smoke and sort of try to take care of themselves, a little bit. We are all Mormon today!
5:26 PM — Michele Bachmann finally gets her tepid applause, for saying she won’t rest (except on pills) until there is no health care for anyone.
5:26 PM — Squeaky pig Newt Gingrich doesn’t want these librulz trying to make Republicans debate each other! The nerve! (APPLAUSE.)
5:27 PM — Newt says they will all RUN TOGETHER in Harmony, to defeat Obamacare. APPLAUSE AGAIN.
5:28 PM — Pizza man Herman Cain will repeal Romenycare! He was against Obamacare, and Hillarycare! He will not make you buy a pizza, it’s not in the Constitution!
5:30 PM — Brian Williams: “Soooooo, you fucking people have made everyone poor. Most everyone, anyway. What would you, Santorum, do to further punish the poor?”
5:31 PM — Santorum believes in the dignity of people to be starving and poor and without medical care and literally homeless, if that is what it takes, to explode the fucking culture of dependency that’s always ruining people’s noble hunger.
5:32 PM — Brian Williams: “Governor Perry, black people don’t have anything. White people have, on average, 20x what the white man has. What would you do to address this.” PERRY: “Let’s talk about a different thing altogether.”
5:33 PM — So what are your editors typing in their secret chat room, other than a/s/l?
michele bachmann is just staring straight ahead while other people talk.
ron paul sort of shuffles in his pockets, but everyone else watches the other candidates. bachmann stares straight into the existential abyss of drug catatonia.
yeah, she has no idea of what anyone is saying
she sees angels dancing in the distance
with little reagan heads
5:34 PM — Michele Bachmann just learned today that if there were no laws, there would be 1.2 million jobs! And 50% more energy, which would take us to about 12% of what the nation uses.
5:35 PM — When gas goes up a dime a gallon, according to Michele Bachmann, each American has $14 billion taken from their threadbare pockets.
5:37 PM — Mitt Romney … no wait, that’s Huntsman … insults (ineptly) Obama with the old teleprompter thing. Way to show the boss, Jon!
5:37 PM — Ron Paul is against minimum age! He is a doctor! He should be asked about the medical question! Stutter stammer! Fancy letter! Hillarycare! (Ron Paul is talking about Perry’s letter supporting Hillarycare. Medicare? Mandate? Squeak squeak. Good god Ron Paul is the WORST PUBLIC SPEAKER. Gallon of gasoline for a dime. Finish the sentence? Never. Ask Gandalf.)
5:38 PM — Perry dodges a bullet on the whole Hillarycare thing, nobody noticed. But then, because HE IS AN IDIOT, he brings it up again and reminds everybody. Then he says Ron Paul does NOT worship Reagan enough, because he wrote a letter (Ron Paul wrote a letter) about deficits. “We have to be honest with ourselves,” Ron Paul says. Uhh, dude, that’s not allowed at a GOP debate.
5:40 PM — And now I am going to get a motherfucking Pacifico beer to enjoy. Next Up: Your other person, Kirsten Boyd Johnson! Except … she is “not ready,” good christ.
5:44 PM — The HUGE fake Air Force One in the Reagan Graveyard, the most important people tonight … the most important people tonight is REAGAN. Ronald Reagan is people?!
5:44 PM — And this is surely what The Verve had in mind when they recorded “Bittersweet Symphony.”
5:45 PM — FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.
5:47 PM — “GOVERNOR PERRY, HOW WILL YOU KILL SOCIAL SECURITY?”
5:47 PM — Hahahahah idiot, try backing away from this while talking to nervous old white people.
5:48 PM — “Uh, people on the social security? Don’t worry about anything! We’ll fuck it up for your fat, tattooed 40-year-old children.”
5:49 PM — Dick Cheney …. DICK CHENEY … is saying, “Uh, you don’t talk about shutting down social security when you’re running for president.”
5:50 PM — MORE DUMB LIES, Social Security is well funded today and will be for decades and needs only have RICH PEOPLE pay some social security tax.
5:51 PM — And now here comes your “Boyd Johnson,” goodbye forever, GOD HELP YOU ALL.
GIVE US MONEY! -