worse than the video game

Liveblogging the GOP Reagan Zombie Wrestling Death Match

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The Eight Goblins of the Apocalypse.Hello fiends! Your editor is back tonight to do some hot Reagan Death Zombie liveblogging, and your other editor will be here later to take over, and if there was EVER a week to come back to Wonkette and “mind the gap” or whatever, this is a very bad one indeed. TONIGHT: Eight sociopaths suffering from various delusions and mental illnesses will grasp the cold dead mummy of Ronald Reagan and try to sex it up, for 9/11. They are at the world-famous (forgotten except for once every four years during presidential debate season) Ronald Reagan Mausoleum located beneath a foreclosed landfill in Simi Valley, California. Never heard of Simi Valley? Neither have the people who live there. It looks like Texas after the wildfires: a burnt orange moonscape of tract home skeletons and nuclear waste. It is the Future of America, which is coming very soon, and which actually began 10 years ago, in the same way the Thousand Year Reich of the Dark Ages began with the Sack of Rome in 410 CE. Nunquam obliviscar.

4:29 PM — We shall use the Pacific Time Zone, as this is where the GOP debate is taking place, although the true year is unknown, other than it is the Time of Orcs. And we will take this brief moment while the jabbering imbeciles of Cable News fill the pre-game airtime to say a) Yes, I am here again this week! And yes, we are STILL looking for Wonkette Juniors to assist your Daytime Person, Ms. Boyd-Johnson. Please, help her.
4:36 PM — So what has been happening? Apparently, you people are all still reproducing. Please stop that. There are six-and-a-half billion too many people. And we’re going to spend the evening with eight of them onstage, and a bunch more talking into teevee cameras and applauding like brain-damaged seals each time “Ronald Reagan” is invoked.
4:43 PM — Rick Perry’s aides “acknowledge that debating is not among his strongest skills.” So what are his strongest skills? Practicing his love on corndogs.
4:44 PM — Good god, just look at his previous attempts at televised debating. Well, he’s certainly comically dumb enough to follow George W. Bush to the White House.
4:47 PM — If you’ve ever wanted to watch inept Corporate Meeting-style video feeds and Mike Allen having a brave fight with an invisible Static Monster, you want to go here.
4:51 PM — Jon Huntsman will respectfully not interfere with the crazy people tonight because he “has laryngitis.” Did Rick Perry corndog his throat?
4:56 PM — Do you want to watch the debate “the Wonkette way,” in a crappy little Web video deal? Well here you go, courtesy of MSNBC:


4:58 PM — Life just hasn’t been the same here at the West Coast Newsroom since we gave away the teevees and quit covering any news. Where is the Bullshit Grandeur of a GOP Debate inside a chickenshit little Web video rectangle? WHERE IS AMERICA’S PRIDE, we ask?
4:59 PM — A: Dead and buried.
5:00 PM — Your frenemy Kirsten Boyd Johnson is working the Wonkette Twitter Feed right now! Go do whatever one does, in another browser tab, on Twitter!
5:00 PM — Spectacular space! Spectacular Reagan gravesite! Under the wings of the 9/11 planes!
5:01 PM — Brian Williams and John Harris (blogger?) are here to bring the Republican Orgy of, er, Ideas!
5:01 PM — Whoa, Americans apparently think Innocent Republicans had something to do with the eight years of sewage that flowed out of the Republican administrations of Bush/Cheney?
5:03 PM — Brian Williams: “Texas is full of illiterate jobless cretins. Are you the man to make sure that is true for ALL of America?”
5:04 PM — Rick Perry: “I’m proud of that. Proud. GOP Pride.”
5:04 PM — Massachusetts was just below Texas in terms of Awfulness, when Romney was governor of Romneycare. Why won’t Mitt Romney correct the past?
5:05 PM — Whoa, Mitt Romney was able to have 4.7% unemployment in Massachusetts when unemployment was nationally at about 4.7%.
5:07 PM — Governor Mormonbeam, is it true all your business ever did was act like a giant robot vulture, to America? (And with that, our MSNBC video feed dies. Oh, this country and its infrastructure ….)
5:07 PM — Governor Perry, you’ve had that purty mouth clamped onto the public teat your whole life, the same way you clamp it upon a corndog. Why is that?
5:08 PM — Romney made an Al Gore Internet joke! This gets a big laugh from these fucking idiots who still pay $11 a month for a free AOL email account.
5:09 PM — Perry says, “Michael Dukakis created more jobs than you, Mittens.” Mitt freezes, with only his pinball eyes still shooting around madly.
5:11 PM — Rick Santorum’s tie is a lovely shade of Santorum.
5:11 PM — Herman Cain is going to CUT TO THE CHASE … by mumbling incoherently. The 9/11 tax plan.
5:12 PM — “Skin in the game,” Herman Cain Pizza Porn Not Right For America!
5:13 PM — Jon Huntsman is vying for the coveted “Is that Pawlenty or … eh, who cares” vote.
5:13 PM — We are NOT the most “blue sky, optimistic people on Earth.” We are getting realistic about our prospects, which don’t exist.
5:14 PM — Brian Williams softballed Bachmann, jesus …. “Which campaign speech points would be easy for you to recite right now, Congresswoman Bachmann.”
5:15 PM — Michele Bachmann is a mom. She’ll solve black and Latino unemployment because she will treat them like the children they are.
5:16 PM — GO RON PAUL what is UP mah hobbit?
5:16 PM — Cars safe, air control, jets, what are those things? The Free Market can do that! Look how well the free market provides people with jobs and health care and education! (The Free Market should kill 300 million Americans, obviously. What would that leave? THE RICH PEOPLE BOOYAH.)
5:17 PM — How about let Ron Paul rant about the Imperial Wars? It’s a setup!
5:18 PM — Bloated turd Newt Gingrich is here to insist he is still a candidate.
5:19 PM — Newt Gingrich will write a forward for any book at all, as long as you give him some Tiffany jewelry trinkets to give to his latest office whore. In fact, Newt is writing the forward to Wonkette’s new book, Newt Gingrich Eats Shit and Burns the Flag.
5:20 PM — But, uh, Obama is “committed to class warfare and bureaucratic socialism” because he’s not at a GOP debate talking to Herman Cain. Uhh …. (Biggest applause of the night, obviously!)
5:20 PM — The blogger from RedState or Politico or whatever asks, “Mitt Romney, how much do you love the gay marriage Obamacare you created in Taxachusetts?”
5:21 PM — And listen to Mitt Romney sounding briefly sane while explaining the government health care scheme he created … about how poor people are using emergency rooms for basic care. And then listen to him say the SAME THING is wrong for the rest of the nation. Masshole.
5:23 PM — Rick Perry wants all the FEDERAL MONEY for federal health insurance, so he can use it how he likes, because his wife is a nurse. So, just shovel the FEDERAL MONEY to the states so they can give it to whatever crony corporate buddies they want. The issue is whether or not Rick Perry gets to give the FEDERAL TAX MONEY to his friends.
5:25 PM — How will Jon Huntsman theoretically fix national health care, as Obama’s China diplomat? Have a nation of white Mormon middle-class voters who don’t drink or smoke and sort of try to take care of themselves, a little bit. We are all Mormon today!
5:26 PM — Michele Bachmann finally gets her tepid applause, for saying she won’t rest (except on pills) until there is no health care for anyone.
5:26 PM — Squeaky pig Newt Gingrich doesn’t want these librulz trying to make Republicans debate each other! The nerve! (APPLAUSE.)
5:27 PM — Newt says they will all RUN TOGETHER in Harmony, to defeat Obamacare. APPLAUSE AGAIN.
5:28 PM — Pizza man Herman Cain will repeal Romenycare! He was against Obamacare, and Hillarycare! He will not make you buy a pizza, it’s not in the Constitution!
5:30 PM — Brian Williams: “Soooooo, you fucking people have made everyone poor. Most everyone, anyway. What would you, Santorum, do to further punish the poor?”
5:31 PM — Santorum believes in the dignity of people to be starving and poor and without medical care and literally homeless, if that is what it takes, to explode the fucking culture of dependency that’s always ruining people’s noble hunger.
5:32 PM — Brian Williams: “Governor Perry, black people don’t have anything. White people have, on average, 20x what the white man has. What would you do to address this.” PERRY: “Let’s talk about a different thing altogether.”
5:33 PM — So what are your editors typing in their secret chat room, other than a/s/l?

Kirsten J.
michele bachmann is just staring straight ahead while other people talk.

ron paul sort of shuffles in his pockets, but everyone else watches the other candidates. bachmann stares straight into the existential abyss of drug catatonia.

Ken L.
yeah, she has no idea of what anyone is saying

she sees angels dancing in the distance

angels!

with little reagan heads

5:34 PM — Michele Bachmann just learned today that if there were no laws, there would be 1.2 million jobs! And 50% more energy, which would take us to about 12% of what the nation uses.
5:35 PM — When gas goes up a dime a gallon, according to Michele Bachmann, each American has $14 billion taken from their threadbare pockets.
5:37 PM — Mitt Romney … no wait, that’s Huntsman … insults (ineptly) Obama with the old teleprompter thing. Way to show the boss, Jon!
5:37 PM — Ron Paul is against minimum age! He is a doctor! He should be asked about the medical question! Stutter stammer! Fancy letter! Hillarycare! (Ron Paul is talking about Perry’s letter supporting Hillarycare. Medicare? Mandate? Squeak squeak. Good god Ron Paul is the WORST PUBLIC SPEAKER. Gallon of gasoline for a dime. Finish the sentence? Never. Ask Gandalf.)
5:38 PM — Perry dodges a bullet on the whole Hillarycare thing, nobody noticed. But then, because HE IS AN IDIOT, he brings it up again and reminds everybody. Then he says Ron Paul does NOT worship Reagan enough, because he wrote a letter (Ron Paul wrote a letter) about deficits. “We have to be honest with ourselves,” Ron Paul says. Uhh, dude, that’s not allowed at a GOP debate.
5:40 PM — And now I am going to get a motherfucking Pacifico beer to enjoy. Next Up: Your other person, Kirsten Boyd Johnson! Except … she is “not ready,” good christ.
5:44 PM — The HUGE fake Air Force One in the Reagan Graveyard, the most important people tonight … the most important people tonight is REAGAN. Ronald Reagan is people?!
5:44 PM — And this is surely what The Verve had in mind when they recorded “Bittersweet Symphony.”
5:45 PM — FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.
FAP FAP FAP
5:47 PM — “GOVERNOR PERRY, HOW WILL YOU KILL SOCIAL SECURITY?”
5:47 PM — Hahahahah idiot, try backing away from this while talking to nervous old white people.
5:48 PM — “Uh, people on the social security? Don’t worry about anything! We’ll fuck it up for your fat, tattooed 40-year-old children.”
5:49 PM — Dick Cheney …. DICK CHENEY … is saying, “Uh, you don’t talk about shutting down social security when you’re running for president.”
5:50 PM — MORE DUMB LIES, Social Security is well funded today and will be for decades and needs only have RICH PEOPLE pay some social security tax.
5:51 PM — And now here comes your “Boyd Johnson,” goodbye forever, GOD HELP YOU ALL.

Sponsored Intermission

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • MikeInMichigan

    Democrats en masse vow to vote for GOoPer who refuses to utter the words "Ronald" and "Reagan."

    • Pristine_ODummy

      At this point, probably 75% of Repubs would agree.

    • hyuie

      'm hoping some real Merikan patriot steps up to the mike – or whoever the corporate-owned brain dead emcee is, and asks One L Michele the question that everyone wants to know: thong or granny panties?

      I'm guessing she's going commando.
      I have always loved men, sexy men. As I got older I continued to be attracted to younger men. I find myself now in my mid 40′s having sex with 18 to 35 year old men. I still like the bad boy type, or jocks with sexy good looks. Being a wealthy woman (trust fund baby), I can allow myself to enjoy sex without the need for a husband. I prefer to date middle class “Joes”, I LOVE police officers, firemen and Military men. I set up a profile on ——Cougara.com——. If you want to meet me, you search the usename:hotmomma on the site. You see more my info and photos. It is really free daing site for all users.

  • Callyson

    Warning: don't turn on the pre – game commentary from MSNBC unless you have the alcohol and / or drug(s) of choice within arms reach…

    • V572 T-Blow

      And of course I do! Martinis all around when Dame Peggy's on the platform.

  • cheetojeebus

    Simi? Essence having been partaken of and then spat out. A sad metaphor for the American experience.

  • Callyson

    WTF are the idiots in the audience applauding–oh, it's Nancy Reagan. Wonder what she'll be thinking tonight…

    • RadioEnron9/11

      ……………………………………….uh…………………

  • MikeInMichigan

    A WARNING FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL: Do not, I repeat, NOT, attempt to use the phrases "Ronald Reagan" or "job creators" as drinking cues during tonight's debate.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Also no references to sharks, fish, shells, or Gulfs. And no oil, energy, environment. Those terms are EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      too late…*hic*

    • Beck_is_Trig

      Also….don't use tax cut, war, securin' our borders or any other sort of veiled racial attack on a minority group. Above and beyond all, and I CANNOT stress this enough…no drinking when an answer alludes to white supremacy, examples: mispronouncing Obama's name deliberately to make him sound MORE African, sounding condescending about welfare, social security or medicare (remember, teabaggers think only black people get that even when receiving their checks; the stupid fuckers) and tax cuts for only the rich is a long standing nod to white supremacy…even Lee Atwater admitted this.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    I'm voting for the one who sounds, looks, and smells the most like Harold Stassen.

    • MikeInMichigan

      Well, given Stassen's current state of decomposition, I guess that means you're all in for Santorum.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        I dunno. Ron Paul might just win this one.

  • chascates

    Waiting for Bachmann to say the Texas fires are God's work to get us to address the deficit. Or something.

    • fuflans

      waiting for someone to blame the fires on perry's prayer gathering.

      i know i do.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Waiting for Molly Ivins to rise and accept full responsibility for the fires.

        I miss Molly

        • Pristine_ODummy

          Me too. She would've had a field day with these feckin' eejits.

  • WhatTheHeck

    I’m hoping to see two lapel pins on each zombie: a flag pin and a cross. And each debater with a Bible tucked inside their waist bands.

    • chascates
      • WhatTheHeck

        OMG. I didn't really mean it in a serious way.

      • Callyson

        That is too fucking perfect. I feel better now, thanks.
        …OK, so the drinks I've had tonight might have something to do with that as well. But this was nice too.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Rick Perry will be wearing a Tejas flag pin and a surveyor's mark pin. If he's elected, his last act as governor will be to formally secede from the union and then he'll get inaugurated and run both countries.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        If people can have dual citizenships, why not dual presidencies?

        But as I said in a different comment, most of what he said tonight seemed to be about letting the states do shit by themselves, so it appeared as if he is running to establish a new kind of loose confederacy, not to be President in the current system.

    • AutomaticPilot

      Or, if you're Mitt, The Book of Mormon tucked into your Jesus jammies.

  • FakaktaSouth

    My wish for tonight is that these people stand up there and say, "Ya know what, this ain't a recession, this is the result of 10 years of actual implementation of Republican policy. This is it. This is what you get when you de-regulate, de-tax, de-tort and privatize plus Jesus-ize the whole world. Whattaya think? Good, eh? More right? Let's fight over who will give us more of this harder. God Bless white people, no offense Herman. Good night" (Is Herm coming? Okay, whatever)

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      fucking WIN! of the night (course you'll never be a 'master debater' with this kind of honesty)

  • fuflans

    i am glad to see cocktails are still acceptable before 5 PM on the westest coast.

    • emmelemm

      Hey, 15 minutes is within acceptable rounding limits…

    • Barrelhse

      I hooked up my vodka drip at 8 AM in anticipation. I'm on my 4th bag.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      It's five o'clock SOMEfucking WHERE.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I'm hoping some real Merikan patriot steps up to the mike – or whoever the corporate-owned brain dead emcee is, and asks One L Michele the question that everyone wants to know: thong or granny panties?

    I'm guessing she's going commando.

    • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Hurricane Ali

      Granny panties all the way – who does she have to impress? Oh, wait. Nah, I'm still going with granny panties.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      I think it's a Chastity Belt, still locked.
      Marcus just can't find that darn key, and he sure is looking for it, of course, you bet!

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I think Marcus takes care of that for her when he dresses her, hon. Try asking him instead.

      You know she's just going to fix you with that glassy gaze.

  • Nostrildamus

    The Reagan Library, huh? When was the last time you suppose any of the candidates were in a library?

    • nounverb911

      Can any of the candidates read?

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Mittens graduated Harvard, though not with as high academic honours as the President.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg ProgressiveInga

      How many do you suppose can appropriately PRONOUNCE library?

      • hollywooddood

        It's pronounced lye-berry, dummass.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg ProgressiveInga

          Moran.

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            now kids…

    • AutomaticPilot

      You can borrow DVDs from the liberry, too, so maybe they've been there for that. I know, I'm grasping at straws here…

      • HistoriCat

        Liberrys iz socilist!

  • SexySmurf

    My predictions:

    1. The Great White Hope (Parry, with an "A" for asshole) will be mediocre and bland (but still so very, very white).

    2. Mittens will now be against that thing he was in favor of in the last debate.

    3. Frothy will talk about teh butt secks repeatedly and for no apparent reason.

    4. Bachmann will finally go the full Margot Kidder and rip off her clothes while shrieking incoherently.

    5. Herman Cain will…meh, who cares.

    • emmelemm

      1 million Internet points for "full Margot Kidder".

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Ten bucks says Michele Bachmann's hair will look just like it was injection molded.

    • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Hurricane Ali

      It will have a little surfer riding that crest there will be such a wave.

    • ChessieNefercat

      It is certainly standing weirdly away from her head (lay off the Clairol something net, Michele). Maybe its hair is standing on end at the idea of being on her head.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I think Mitt has the HairHelmet issue covered, dood.

  • nounverb911

    The answer to every question is: REAGAN!

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I thought it was Hitler.

      Oh, man! I have SO been had! You mean it was REAGAN all along?

  • Callyson

    As I suspected, Nancy looks terrified…

    • ChessieNefercat

      Wouldn't you?

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Surrounded by those raving loonies? Hell to the yeah!

    • io9k9s

      Really? I was thinking she was looking more like a muppet…

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Isn't Simi Valley where JDs go for post grad work in jury tampering. And for truth, juztits, and the American whey?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      All I know is, they manifest a surprising allergy to Teh Brown. Also, it's all retired cops and military types and shit. Well, before the earthquake anyway.

  • Callyson

    They're baaaack!

  • GuanoFaucet

    **raises glass of scotch**

    To all my friends!

    **gulps down contents of glass**

    OK, now I'm ready.

    • RadioEnron9/11

      Go, Guano, Go.

    • Callyson

      Clink!

  • Callyson

    Why does MSNBC keep foisting Chris Matthews on us? Would *much* prefer Rachel, Lawrence, or Ed..

    • Rotundo_

      Tweety is the intellectual heft at MSNBC in the eyes of management. How comcastic is that?

  • MikeInMichigan

    Tonight's debate loser will be whomever Halprin said won the Reagan-fuck contest.

  • Callyson

    Noonan: the Republican Party is broad
    No, Peggy, it's wide…as in wide stance…

    • Pristine_ODummy

      She means "a buncha broads." Like Mitch McConnell, and Ms. Lindsey and that pouty little Eric Cantor.

  • JackObin

    What this "debate" needs are the insane ramblings of an illiterate eskimo.

    • ChessieNefercat

      No, no, it doesn't.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I'm tellin' ya, Palin is NOT running.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Perry better be on fire on tonight.

    • whiskeybaby

      I, for one, see what you did there

    • chascates

      I'll provide the gas!

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I'm sure someone could arrange that.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    I so wish Katie Couric was the moderator. Then I would seriously fucking vote of the first one to say "all of 'em."

    • berkeleyfarm

      I would pay to see that.

  • Callyson

    Oh God, it's the Ron Paul – anti – Rick Perry ad on MSNBC…bitchslap in 3…2…1…

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Dear God, I don't ask you for much. Heck, I hardly even scream your name anymore *sniff*.

    But would you do me this one small favor?

    Strike this eight evil trolls down with lightning. TIA.
    ~

    • Pristine_ODummy

      You're better off asking Biel Z. Bubba, toots.

  • Blendergoathead

    Skipping the "debate" to take a shower with a friend and then screw like we haven't seen each other in a month. Y'all have fun choking on your own vomit.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Now, how did he *know* just what we were doing?

    • Callyson

      Re – run at 12 Eastern time if you want to balance out the post – coital bliss with a mixture of rage and amusement…

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I got a bottle of beer (good beer not that lite crap) in my right hand and a bottle of something with a skull and cross bones on the label in a language that I don't understand in my left hand…. let the debate begin.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "…let the debate begin."

      {whimper}

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Perry: So what are his strongest skills?
    Playing dress-up?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Hey, that's Rudy's shtick.

      • RadioEnron9/11

        You know who else was a front runner?

  • Callyson

    Matthews on Nixon in the 1960 debate: he was suffering from a leg infection
    …is *that* what the euphemism was back in those days? Then again, that would imply that Dick Nixon had sex at some point in his life. I haz a confused…

    • ChessieNefercat

      Confused him with Henry VIII?

  • Fare la Volpe

    http://wonkette.chatango.com/

    Pop in for a drink and a larf, you fartknockers.

    • AJWjr.

      It's my first time, be gentle. The discord between your avatar here and there has me all fucked up…

      • Fare la Volpe

        My junk is confused too. Like it doesn't have enough issues.

  • MikeInMichigan

    Okay, let the Reagan hagiography begin.

  • Callyson

    This pre – game hype is too much. What is this, a debate or the Super Bowl?

  • RadioEnron9/11

    I'm more excited than a teabagger at a Palin rally.

  • Callyson

    I hope those wings break off…

  • x111e7thst

    Ubi sunt qui ante nos fuerunt? In Zombie Ronnie's case apparently still kicking about in the frightening netherworld that is the teatarded mind. To which I would say morsus mihi except ick. And if this makes no sense I blame the acid.

  • fuflans

    thanks for the 'web video deal' ken, but the wonkette way is to get all coverage via wonkette liveblog and wonkette commenters.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Look, it's the Reagan Library — and not a book in sight.

    • RadioEnron9/11

      They put a fucking 747 in it though. William S. Burroughs said it best, bigger is better, biggest is best.

    • anonymousryan

      I bet there's one of them coffee table books about jelly beans in every bathroom stall.

  • Come here a minute

    Extra credit to anyone posting the audio of a candidate pronouncing the word "jerb". I'm picking Michele Bachmann.

    And drink for the phrase "corn dog".

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Governor Perry: what's your favorite food?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Virgins. Extra crispy.

    • chascates

      The cocks of the Kochs.

    • Come here a minute

      Hey, it's not necessarily corn dogs. Any fried tubular meat will suffice, as long as it's on a stick.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Governor Perry: what's your favorite food? "

      The grilled bones of poor people sprinkled with the salty tears of the exhausted minimum wage "lucky" job holders. Especially tasty when chased with an icy cold beer while watching homes burn down while the hapless underfunded fire departments try to stop the carnage.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Sounds about right.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Regardless of the outcome, we all know that the debate winner on the internet poll is going to be Ron Paul. God, I hate Paultards.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      It's their poor little consolation for the fact that he will NEVER, EVER, EVER win anything in his entire miserable life, just like them, yaknow? How can you begrudge them that?

  • Dexter Linwood

    Why, god, WHY am I watching this bullshit? Hi. My name is Dexter, and I have a problem…

    • RadioEnron9/11

      You will always be Negropolis to me.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      so what's up with the Dexter dood? where's my ol friend negropilis?

  • FakaktaSouth

    Woo Hoo! Perry!!! His state is making my state look good! Yay!

  • Callyson

    Glad to hear that the majority of Americans know who is truly responsible for our economy. Hope they remember that the economy went into freefall after the 2010 election..

  • Limeylizzie

    I wonder what the fucking hell is wrong with Rick Perry's neck that he has to wear collars that go up to his ears. Cunt.

    • AlterNewt

      Maybe a "Pet Shop Boys" tattoo.

      • Limeylizzie

        Really, really long back hair.

        • Pristine_ODummy

          He has it cornrowed all the way up his neck.

    • chascates

      The teeth marks of the undead.

      • Limeylizzie

        Something vile, check out how high up his neck that collar goes, it's freakish, is that a Western collar or something?

        • ChessieNefercat

          That's what has been bugging me about that squinty-eyed dumbass-looking weasel.* That and every weaselly* thing falling out of his smarmy piehole.

          *My apologies to actual weasels.

          • Limeylizzie

            Really weird, right? Sort of the Gay nineties or something.

          • berkeleyfarm

            All the decades are gay for Li'l Ricky.

    • RadioEnron9/11

      A swastika?

    • MiniMencken

      Stop insulting cunts! I, for one, am extremely fond of them and consider them sacred objects of worship.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Perry's up first — Governor, Texas is impoverished, uninsured and on fire — what are you gonna do about it?

    Oh, Rick's lame talking points don't fly with Brian Williams. Apparently a minimum wage job is just as good as a $100,000 a year job according to Rick. I'd like to see him put his money where his mouth is.

    • Barrelhse

      I'd love to see someone put the back of a shovel where his mouth is, but there's no accounting for taste.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      You want to see $100K balancing on some Kochcock?

      Some people have the strangest perversions.

  • Callyson

    Mittens is happy to look at Massachusetts' record now? After he's been spending years running from his relatively moderate (for a Reep) governance? Uh – huh…

  • Mort_Sinclair

    What the hell color is Romney's suit?? Is he in third grade??

    • Dexter Linwood

      lol! It does look a bit like a pimp suit, no?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Best Blingee yet Ken!

    The tackiness of it is blinding or I'm drinking rubbing alcohol again.

    • kangarara

      More importantly, aren't those the 'peanut gallery' from Labyrinth? Nice pull, if so.

  • Come here a minute

    Life just hasn’t been the same here at the West Coast Newsroom since we gave away the teevees

    I know what I'm doing with my $961.04 — get ready for a big package from the UPS guy, Ken! (That's what she said.)

    • HistoriCat

      (insert cheesy porn music)

  • anonymousryan

    Governor Perry, Texas is fucking horrible. Comment?

    • HistoriCat

      Yes it is – that's why I want you elect me President, so I can get the hell out of there.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Romney's gonna restructure America — is he gonna lay people off or just up and deport them?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I think he's planning to use them for target practice.

  • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Hurricane Ali

    Poor Brian Williams – how the hell did he draw the short straw for this circle jerk of patriotism?

  • Dexter Linwood

    Uh-oh! Romney is mildly pissed, all of a sudden.

  • Limeylizzie

    I despise Rick Perry, what a fucking toad.

    • chascates

      He's Joe Izusu on acid.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      If I wasn't already madly in love with you, ^^ this ^^ would've done it.

      • Limeylizzie

        Thanks baby! He is just ghastly isn't he?

  • Dexter Linwood

    Oh snap, Romney's on a slow roll!

  • FakaktaSouth

    And Perry would know, cause he was a Dukakis supporter at the time…

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Romney v Perry…..cage match

  • Callyson

    So, Mittens' campaign theme is "I inherited a failure and made it somewhat better"? Sounds sadly familiar…

  • Dexter Linwood

    Why the fuck is Rick Santorum even allowed on that stage?

    • HistoriCat

      I'll bet no one wants to deal with the hissy fit he throws when he's told "no."

    • ChessieNefercat

      I had not previously noticed how stupid confused he always looks. (Like his thought balloon is always saying "huh? what? I don't get it? why am I always the one to get pantsed?")

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hmm — Mitt didn't mention, among his accomplishments, Massachusetts' universal healthcare system. Don't forget that, Mitt!

  • anonymousryan

    Perry has that creepy smile no matter what emotion you're trying to convey thing that Reagan had, so there's that.

  • Callyson

    Ricky, if people are looking for someone to get something done, they are not going to go with the Party of No….

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Gah! That cretin has spawned seven offspring! There oughta be a law. WTF.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Which one? A couple have proudly claimed to have been productively laid seven times.

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Santorum vs. crappy pizza….your choice.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Wouldn't that be "crappy santorum vs. crappy pizza"?

  • PhilippePetain

    God, these twats sounds like complete twats.

  • Callyson

    Ricky thinks he'll get Democratic votes?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
    Ha.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      WHICH Ricky? There's two, yaknow.

      • Callyson

        Oops…this time I was referring to the frothy mess…

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Santorum's head is shiny, his tie is gay and I bet he smells like rancid bacon.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Hey, I think Cain is Jimmy McMillan's long lost bro! I say that, of course, as a karate expert.

  • MikeInMichigan

    Methodism?

  • RadioEnron9/11

    999? like 666? +911

    • DrinkYerBourbon

      damn thats where my mind went with it

  • Dexter Linwood

    Herman was the first one to mentioned Jesus/God. Drink!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Herman Cain says businessmen do things and politicians don't. And why does he want to be a politician? Oh, a 9% flat tax — which will ensure that we'll never have a functioning government again.

    • RadioEnron9/11

      Back to Sub-Saharan Africa!!1!

  • Callyson

    Oh Jesus…Cain thinks 10% is good enough for God, so 9% should do for the government?!? Jesus…

  • Poindexter718

    Herman comes out for $9.99 pizzas!

    • anonymousryan

      Delivery or carry out only!?!?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Mitt doesn't speak chop suey per Huntsman

  • Dexter Linwood

    Why is Huntsman so. damned. tan? Good lord, he's damn-near darker than I am.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      now that you mention it ol Mittens always has a lovey shade of brown skin too…apparently the Angel Moroni was messin' around with some darkie natives while he was preachin' to them about the blond hair blue-eyed Jeebus? (that or they're both a couple of rich white fucks who spend too much time lounging around the pool, with Messican pool boys of course)

  • anonymousryan

    Our core is weak? With how fat America is what good are crunches? We need cardio first.

  • Callyson

    Huntsman wants to speak Chinese now? Too intelligent–he's toast.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Huntsman with a Reagan. Damn he's still trying ain't he?

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Another one with seven fucking children. Motherofgawd. They breed like rabbits.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Many rabbits just reared up indignantly. They don't spawn future insane republican wannabe presidential candidates.

  • Limeylizzie

    Get Huntsman out of the tanning booth a little earlier .

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      him and the Mittens just LUVS the brown folk so much they had melanin transfusions

  • Serfville

    When did Romney morph into George Hamilton & a skunk?

  • AlterNewt

    Herman Cain: "This helps us to go after- I mean help- those cities that are blighted"

    Interesting.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Huntsman spoke in another language! That will not go over well with the teabaggers.

  • smashaduck

    The only thing I'm optimistic about is the hilarity these fucktards will continue to provide.

  • Callyson

    Shelly looks hypnotized…or high…

    • RadioEnron9/11

      Handfuls of pills.

  • Dexter Linwood

    Michele is looking more like a bobble-head than ever. The late-90's called; they want their haircut back.

    • Limeylizzie

      It looks dreadful and her roots need doing.

      • ChessieNefercat

        She needs doing.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    This thread is much more entertaining, and informative, than the actual sorry ass debacle, er, debate.

    Misssus Tribbz

  • smashaduck

    Obamacare DRINK!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Have I mentioned that I have a prosthetic fin?

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    The Bachmann "Hood" hairstyle will be the next Jennifer Anniston hairdo.

    • ChessieNefercat

      That's a good reason to stay out of the mega-churches.

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Kids need Jobs!!11

  • anonymousryan

    Talking about minorities without jobs? Way to appeal to the base Michele Bachmann… LOL

  • chascates

    Raised 5 biological kids and 23-non human cyborgs

    • Mort_Sinclair

      Translation: Meta-Fucked up 23 kids who were already fucked up to begin with.

  • DrinkYerBourbon

    youth? maybe they don't wan't jobs…..F you mom!!

  • FakaktaSouth

    Obamacare is leading them to not create jerbs.

    WHAT? Not hiring 17 year olds? They are able to be on their parents insurance until 26 because OF OBAMACARE you dumb bitch fucking fucking fuck, idiot.

  • smashaduck

    The coloredz and the brownz do not haz the jobz. And you know how I love the coloredz and the brownz.

  • Callyson

    Paul: you don't need government to do that
    …no, you can just bribe the private sector. Of course, the one who pays dictates the results you get…
    Idiot.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Ron Paul's brain is bankrupt.

  • anonymousryan

    Congressman Paul, on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome where would you like America to be?

    11.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Shorter Ron Paul: The free market is magic.

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Free markets.
    The Regulation of the markets.
    Ron Paul cares about poor people…at the state level.

  • Dexter Linwood

    I want to punch Ron Paul in the throat. All he does is whine.

    • ChessieNefercat

      I've been away for awhile and have new glasses (I can see avatars). Are you related to Negropolis?

      • Pristine_ODummy

        I know just how that feels. Welcome back! (I changed my av)

      • Dexter Linwood

        Si.

  • Limeylizzie

    Ron Paul is like Reagan in the advanced Alzheimer's way.

  • LetUsBray

    Fuck Reagan's rotting corpse.

    Thanks, I just needed to get that off my chest.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow, there's so much crazy onstage that I completely forgot Ron Paul. Hey Ron! He's so cute with his understanding of half the Constitution.

    • RadioEnron9/11

      Newt has the other half.

    • Dexter Linwood

      Too bad Ron fundamentally doesn't understand what a civilized society looks like, and is completely bereft of humanity.

  • ellisellis

    Sounds like Michelle wants all the poor unemployed to be employed…but not have health care.
    ( so she should support Medicare for all, right? )

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "Private institutions that could become credible."

    What, Ron, who's sayin' they're not?

  • FakaktaSouth

    i am NOT SMART ENOUGH to LOOK AT A CAR AND KNOW IT IS SAFE. There. I said it. I'm not. I need engineers and laws that make them not blow me up. Sorry.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Newt Fatfuck's thinking of the best way to ingest Brian Williams.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Brian does look yummy…

    • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Hurricane Ali

      He'll get all excited and try to stuff him in his mouth sideways, just like my pet snake when he eats his goldfish. It'll be messy, in any case.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Run, Brian, run! If Newt doesn't get you, Michele will (she'll bite your head off).

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Jesus, you're cruel.

      And I mean that in an admiring, envious kinda way.

  • chascates

    Who needs seat belts or safety glass? The consumer will decide what he can afford (my truck's clutch went out and I'm walking BTW).

  • io9k9s

    Umm.. so the secret to peace with China is an abs-workout?

  • ellisellis

    I can't wait to have a car just as safe as the car companies feel like making it!

  • chascates

    Gingrich is like a very un-funny Professor Irwin Corey.

  • MikeInMichigan

    Newt jumps ahead in the Reagan count with 3, er, 4, er 5 Reagans.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, it's forgotten-but-not-gone candidate #2, Newt Gingrich. And Perry's book wasn't about what he'd do as president? Like every good philosophical work, I suppose, Perry just decided to expound on ideas he may or may not agree with a few months later.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Gingrich's Manifesto Destiny.
    Zombie Reagan in every house.

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Newt worked with Art Laugher and Dick Army…. and he wants Obama THERE on that stage.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Yes. Obama needs to ask Perry how he created jobs with the stimulus money Obama gave Perry.

  • Serfville

    Worst High Pitch Whiners of The Night: Gingrich, Paul, Sanitarium, & Screaming High Pitch Priestess: Bachman

  • ellisellis

    What drugs is Newt on?

  • Callyson

    Newtie thinks it's OK for his Congress to take credit for jobs created in the 90's, but the current Congress deserves no blame for the 2011 economy? Riiight…

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    Newt's "Obama Stagflation" brought to you by Bush Jr.'s soul crushing depression.

  • fuflans

    i think ron paul just promised me a jetpac.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Try not to believe too many of his nutty mutterings, OK?

  • smashaduck

    Wonder how much that blunder cost Mittens. Or is that tech like the rest of us and just works for free beer?

  • io9k9s

    Brian will have his wingman executed next commercial break…

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      That was pretty bad.

  • Callyson

    Mittens is pushing a government mandate for health care. He's history

  • smashaduck

    Wait so it took RomneyCare for people to realize they could go to the hospital on the taxpayers dime? Damn Massholes are dumb as Texas governers.

  • chascates

    Dead last–at last! This Texan wants France's healthcare plan!!!

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Blog Grant Medicaid!!1

  • Callyson

    Perry does not like that one size fits all approach. He wants the extra large ones…

  • anonymousryan

    Yeah, Texas was going to get right on that giving healthcare to poor people who work for sub-living wage rates. Right on it if not for that Obamacare!! ARGH!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oooh Mitt came up with a way of distinguishing Massachusetts' healthcare from Obamacare — Obamacare covers 100% of the people where Mitt's plan covered 8%. Of course regulating is not coverage, but whatever.

  • Limeylizzie

    So what the fuck is Perry's claim on healthcare?

  • Dexter Linwood

    Oh my fucking gawd. Texas has more uninsured people because of the federal government.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Perry says Texans are uninsured because people aren't allowed to pick plans that the insurance companies don't offer? What?

  • Warpde

    50 + states with there own idea for Medicaid.
    Yeah, that will work.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Huntsman just confirmed your assertion there, Ken, with his brood of seven: we're (some of us) overbreeding.

  • hollywooddood

    Good, I'm glad they're getting to the most important issue, gay weddings.

  • chascates

    FREE MARKET! Just look at the 1920s!! We can bring that back!!!

    • Dexter Linwood

      I could do with a few more flappers and art deco skyscrapers, for sure.

      • HistoriCat

        Needs more Tommy guns and roadsters.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Obama care is the new boogieman.

  • RadioEnron9/11

    They universally agree. NO UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE…OR EVEN OBAMACARE.

  • Callyson

    Huntsman: expand choices expand choices expand choices…
    …never mind that none of them will be affordable to the average American…

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Bachmann needs a bigger flag pin.

  • chascates

    Answer the queston, Shelly! Don't just cry OBAMA BAHHHHH!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Bachmann: "Obamacare took over one-sixth of the economy."

    Yeah, and referees are taking over the NFL. Dumbass.

  • smashaduck

    Are her eyes are taking on a serpentine quality or should I switch to booze?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Bachmann: [Repealing Obamacare] is the issue of 2012 — together with jobs.

    Oops.

  • Dexter Linwood

    Gingrish, you're at a debate. The entire point is to draw differences between the candidates. And, really, why are you on stage? Shouldn't you be at Tiffany?

  • Callyson

    Shelly wants to repeal Obamacare in 2012. Wonder if she realizes that Obama will be president in that year…maybe she thinks she'll take a long vacation in 2013.
    Well, she would not be the first Reep to do that…

  • chascates

    And no moar socialized police and firefighters! And what's up with these government run libraries?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Verrrrry Presidential-looking pissy-pants, Newt

  • FakaktaSouth

    Good Lord. Once again Newty Patooty is the chastiser of the moderators. Shut up and answer a question Fatty.

  • fuflans

    i am making white ragu with rigatoni. please tell me rick perry is being stupid.

    thanks

  • Come here a minute

    Okay, Ken, you are responsible for this in my head — "bird fly high by the light of the moon. oh oh oh oh oh"

  • io9k9s

    What Texans want is to exersize their right to suffer from todays most preventable illnesses (except HPV)

  • SayItWithWookies

    Newt objects the very idea of having a debate. Which is why he's here tonight.

  • RadioEnron9/11

    NEWT: Take out that som of a bitch Obama.

  • DrinkYerBourbon

    Republicans are all for beating dems?? like with a hammer?

  • Callyson

    I take it Cain opposes government mandates to buy auto insurance now, then? Can't wait to get on the road if this guy somehow manages to get into office…

  • smashaduck

    Holy shit! These guys know what ruined the economy and we've been lied to…it was Obama care the whole time! Wait did Bush pass Obamacare? Nevermind it's still what ruined the economy. Did you know that? Does Obama?

  • FakaktaSouth

    National Restaurant Association???? IS THAT LIKE A UNION??????

    • anonymousryan

      No, it's an association of restaurant owners. Associations are only good when they're owners or businesses working together, when employees group together that's socialism.

      • FakaktaSouth

        I get that, but 14 million people working together to get their health insurance cheaper sounds pretty collectively-bargainy to me…

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    I am totally sure Godfathers Pizza was ready to enact universal healthcare, except for OBAMA FUCKED IT UP!

  • Limeylizzie

    Oh here we go…Santorum and his Catholicism.

  • Callyson

    Oh God, here we go with Ricky and Catholicism. Buttseks in 3…2…1…

    • Limeylizzie

      Oh snap.

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Patient centered market centered reforms = simpleton answers for simpletons.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Gingrich: I am not interested in your effort to get us to fight. I am interested in flying first class at my donor's expense.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Cain's for medical savings accounts — it's just like saving your pennies in a jar under the bed, but you can only use it at the hospital. Genius.

  • chascates

    The poor shouldn't even be an issue. THEY OWN DISHWASHERS AND REFRIGERATORS!!!

  • Limeylizzie

    Ewwww he's talking about himself in the third person, that does it, he's not getting my vote now.

  • ellisellis

    "Working on the poor" LOL

  • SayItWithWookies

    Catholicism is not Rick Santorum's biggest problem. Neither is talking about himself in the third person. If Rick Santorum were a voodoo-practicing cannibal, that would not be his biggest problem.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    Rick believes in bottom up. I knew it.

  • Callyson

    Ricky is for women working now? I missed the memo where he supported Lilly Ledbetter…

  • smashaduck

    Fetuses should provide for themselves!

  • GuanoFaucet

    Rick, like you give a shit about black poverty.

  • io9k9s

    Why must everyone be racist against Santorum by talking too fast for him to keep up?

  • Serfville

    Crazy Eyes Bachman's giant square pin is a magnet that secretly points her to the correct camera

  • ellisellis

    "Black poverty among children" The quotes just write themselves

  • GuanoFaucet

    Did Rick Perry just forget Santorum's name? That is awesome.

    • Limeylizzie

      I noticed that.

  • Dexter Linwood

    Perry, stop looking into the camera. It's fucking creepy, m'kay?

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    Haha. "I'm a Anglo."

    • Dexter Linwood

      I'd never heard that word used the way they use it until I was talking to a Texan. Totally threw me off.

  • chascates

    If blacks didn't spend their money on Cadillacs and $500 speakers they'd be as rich as the whites. Assuming they could get a job. And haven't been thrown in prison over misdemeanor drugs charges.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    Quit looking at me Rick.

  • DrinkYerBourbon

    yes thats true for everyone!!! now lets talk about immigration.

  • smashaduck

    YOU DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME RICK W. !!!!!!!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Threw up a little. Then a lot.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Rick Perry believes in simple ideas spoken emphatically. Just 'cause it works in the pulpit Rick, doesn't mean it'll sway the voters.

    • anonymousryan

      You do remember he's running for the GOP nomination, right?

  • DrinkYerBourbon

    she can with blow jobs, clearly

  • io9k9s

    Brian just had wingman's cat killed…

  • chascates

    Drill everywhere! Who needs the Middle East? Maybe $1 gas!!!!

    • RadioEnron9/11

      Drill on Ground Zero…Now!

  • Callyson

    JFC, Perry is going on about how small businesses need to know that they will get a return on capital? At a time when Wall Street volatility is giving me whiplash? Do tell, Perry, how you'll pull *that* guarantee off via the "free" market…

  • GuanoFaucet

    Yay, a bunch of twits are going to answer some twats.

  • smashaduck

    I like being Anglo. It's fun.

    • Come here a minute

      I don't know what are those brown people are complaining about — it's not so great for me, either.

  • Callyson

    Mittens and Shelly want to get jobs from oil spills, nuclear accidents, and coal miner deaths. Lovely.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    If we pulled back on all energy regulations, we could burn the poors for fuel!

  • Devilette

    "Day 1" should be worth a shot

  • hilacious

    Jesus H its like watching the High School Debate Club

  • chascates

    How can you create revenue from energy when you don't want anyone to pay taxes?

  • RadioEnron9/11

    No 9/11 yet. : (
    Teleprompter.

  • smashaduck

    1.2 MILLION DOLLARZ no, jobs. 1.2 million jobs! Can I still have the sharks with the friggin laserbeams?

  • Fare la Volpe

    Michele, your nose powder mustache is showing.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I can't hear anything MicheLe is saying because her hair looks so stupid. I can't help it. It's not sexist, i feel the same about Hunty's tan.

  • Limeylizzie

    Michele is going put on a giant strap-on and roger the bejeesus out of Marcus when this debate is done.

    • io9k9s

      Judging by that french manicure – I think she might be fisiting it tonight…

  • lochnessmonster

    The Newt is still in the race? I guess the only sane one was T-Paw?

  • SayItWithWookies

    How is Michele going to get gas back to two bucks a gallon? By inventing the coal-burning automobile! We're saaaaved!

  • Dexter Linwood

    Fuck you Hunstman. Fuck you very much. Overcooked slimeball.

  • Callyson

    JFC, is MSNBC *ever* going to give us a break from this crap? I need a refill…

  • DrinkYerBourbon

    TELEPROMPTERS!!!

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    gawd they are so lame with that teleprompter bullshit.

  • smashaduck

    TELEPROMPTERZZZZZ!!!!! Down the bottle MOTHERFUCKERZ!

  • chascates

    And has anyone mentioned Ronaldus Magnus yet?

  • fuflans

    why is lil' rickie debatin' while texas burns?

    • Come here a minute

      Well it's not like he's missing an A&M football game or anything.

    • HistoriCat

      He's doing his part by staying the fuck away while competent people try to deal with an actual crisis. Maybe the best decision he's ever made as Governor.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    Getting rid of the minimum wage will help the poor! Of course!

    Like burning all the food would help the hungry.

  • chascates

    Touche, Ron Paul. Governor Perry, your response?

  • Callyson

    Paul is *dying* to get to the health care catfight with Perry…

  • chascates

    TEN CENT GAS!!!

  • DrinkYerBourbon

    I'm coming out of the closet….mom I think I might be a paultard

    • DrinkYerBourbon

      scratch that he kept talking

  • Poindexter718

    BLINGRICH: "Don't ask us to get all debatey, liberal media. We just wan't free air time to skewer Obama. Our Kochsucker overlords will determine who gets to kick his arse."

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    If you watch this group long enough Charles Manson starts to look sane.

    • chascates

      and wise.

  • voodooeconomics

    Ron paul;; no minimum wage, no income taxes, no roads, no medical care,no nothing..just me sitting in the oval office signing papers with no use.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ron Paul: "Mandate mandate mandate."

    Hey Ron, you're getting Rick Perry excited.

  • Dexter Linwood

    Silver dime! BWAHAHAHAHA!

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    A silver dime, which is worth $3.50, therefore gas is a dime! Logic! Thanks Ron Paul!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ron: "I can get you a gallon of gasoline for a dime."

    Hell Ron, I can get you a dime bag for a gallon of gas.

  • smashaduck

    And in my day you could buy a dime bag for a dime! And by dimebag, I mean the bag and the farm it came from.

  • Callyson

    I supported Ronnie better than you did!
    No, I supported him better!
    No, I did!
    No, I did!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Oooooh Ron Paul wrote a letter of descent to Reagan.
    He's going to hell.

  • Callyson

    FINALLY a break!

  • BlueStateLibel

    Uh-oh, Reagan's ghost is going to come back and haunt the shit out of Ron Paul for that.

  • chascates

    And Governor Perry, how well did cutting aid to firefighters and the Texas Forest Service work out?

  • rocktonsam

    when was it ever called Hillarycare?

    cripes these assholes

  • Come here a minute

    ron paul sort of shuffles in his pockets

    Dr. Congressman is liveblogging!! But is he Ken or Kirsten?

  • Serfville

    The letter they should be screaming about is THE AUGUST 6TH, 2001 MEMO THAT BUSH WAS GIVEN ON THE RANCH SUMPIN' 'BOUT BIN LADEN DETERMINED TO HIT BUILDINGS IN US WITH PLANES. That's the letter most would be interested in discussing at this time in history as we reflect.

    • chascates

      "OK, you've covered your ass."

      Actual quote by Bush after being shown that report, in the 9/11 Commission report.

      • Serfville

        Them Texas boys suure are slimey ones ain't they? And Perry rewriting his writing history on bein' a librul. Thanks for that info I did not know that! Ugh Ugh Ugh.

  • Dexter Linwood

    Obamacare, Hillarycare, Romneycare…just fucking admit the truth, already, GOP. Alan Grayson was right. Your health care plan is simply to let people die horrible deaths…'cause freedom. PERIOD. That's it. That's all you've got. That's all you'll ever have you fukcing nihilists.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ron: We spent too much, we taxed too much, and it was a baaad scene.

    I had no idea Ron Paul could channel David Crosby. Where the hell did that hippie inflection come from?

  • GuanoFaucet

    Shorter Ron Paul: If we were still on the gold standard, gas would be free.

  • fuflans

    are we missing sarah or no?

    • Callyson

      No.

  • metamarcisf

    Ron Paul: "Reagan not that great…gas for a dime" – I'm switching my party registration.

  • smashaduck

    I think I'm gonna take this break to work on my Mad Max mohawk. It'll be hard to get that perfect psycho killer look after Ron gets elected and the lights go out.

  • chascates

    Of course Reagan's corpse should lie in 'Seamy Valley'.

  • Callyson

    Is Air Force One targeting Mittens or Perry? Hard to tell…
    …oh, hell, let's go with "All of 'em, Katie"…

  • chascates

    Tear Down This MYTH!

  • Warpde

    So, when do the candidates show up?
    Way too many cartoons.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    Stop. Ronnie-time.

  • FakaktaSouth

    With RonPaulCare we assume you're smart enough to be able to doooo heart suurgery on yourseeelf, ya know, I mean I don't think the American people need all these hospitals and other such nonsense…

  • chascates

    Nancy is his WIFE, not partner! Partner means long-time companion (and you know what that means).

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    This could get interesting if we try to work in some Prince references. I don't think I got enough of those a few threads back.

  • smashaduck

    I'll hit this bowl in her honor.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Let the Reagan starfucking begin in full.

  • metamarcisf

    Reagan tribute worse than sitting through an NFL Coaches Challenge.

    • ragnarok4msm

      …yet strangely better than sitting through ANOTHER Obama speech

  • Callyson

    Wonder if MSNBC will have the guts to mention stem cell–OMG THEY DID!!! Letters of complaint in 3…2…1…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Nancy — she puts the hag in hagiography.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I wonder what Nancy thinks of this fine crop of retards.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      who ever said it earlier ……………………..uh………………….. *blink*

  • SayItWithWookies

    She puts the shrew in mushroom cloud.

  • Poindexter718

    Ask the 1 in 4 Texans without health insurance if they have a problem with Obama's health insurance reforms.

    • chascates

      This one and his fucked-up gall bladder have no problems with it!

      • Poindexter718

        There's always Nuevo Laredo, pardner.

  • Callyson

    WHAT? How the hell does Social Security violate *state's rights*? In what universe does that even make sense?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey dummy Social Security doesn't have funding problems.

  • smashaduck

    Goddammitt are we gonna be stuck with another dipshit from Texas who calls everyone "folks"?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ponsi Scheme!
    Drink!

  • DrinkYerBourbon

    does that mean I can stop paying it?

  • FakaktaSouth

    A monstrous lie that keeps millions of people from starving to death every day.

  • io9k9s

    Rick just made Brian's wingman wet his pants…

  • BlueStateLibel

    Hey Rick, where's the fire, slow down before you go and trash Social Security.

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Perry: Social Security is a Ponzi scheme…..well, except for the last 70 years.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    KENNETH KANE LAYNE YOU GET RIGHT OVER HERE YOUNG MAN

  • Callyson

    Oooh, here comes the Karl Rove – Rick Perry bitchslap. Ron Paul will have to wait his turn.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Perry: When I said Social Security was uncocnstitutional, I meant it, but I'm not gonna do anything about it. Also it's a monstrous lie — but y'all get to keep yer benefits, okay?

  • DrinkYerBourbon

    if we kill them they won't be scared

    • Callyson

      Who? The candidates or the Republican primary voters?

  • chascates

    Oh, Romney's trying to appeal to thinking Americans. Good luck.

  • kingcocrazy

    I just KNOW there's a backstage camera and we'll get a cut that shows Rick Perry in assless chaps. And Rick Santorum will be looking.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    Oops. Mittens made Perry poop a little.

  • SayItWithWookies

    After hearing Rick Perry talk about Social Security, I think nobody should vote for someone who promises it won't be around for anyone else to benefit from it — it's too easy to keep that promise once elected.

  • Callyson

    Perry: you can either have reasons or results
    I guess the concept of having reasons to produce particular results eludes the governor…

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "Americans know (it's a ponzi scheme).."

    I don't remember making you my spokesperson, Governor Parry

  • Warpde

    Repub's wanting to take care of people in need?
    Fuck me, now that's funny.

  • http://www.facebook.com/groups/227406670645311 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    Great Reagan's ghost.

  • Limeylizzie

    The Chilean model? What's her name?

  • chascates

    KBJ, KBJ,
    How many drinks did you kill today?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I believe in the Chilean model – and so does Alexe Hente!!

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    The Chilean model? Pinochet smiles.

    • glamourdammerung

      The funny part is that the Pinochet regime implemented Friedman's nonsense except for the copper industry, which was still left nationalized. What to guess what sector of their economy did not collapse since we all know Pinochet also invalidated the whole "libertarian economies automatically create freedom" crap?

  • Callyson

    OH YES! Paul – Perry bitchslap!

    • sigmachi

      you tell em Ron…..fuck you Perry for trying to force vaccinate our children.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Chili????

    Herman is all fast food talk.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Chi-lay… Cain surely just stole the Latino vote right there! Probably has been practicing "guac-a-mo-LAY," too.

  • smashaduck

    It's true cause if my social taxes had just gone into the stock market this whole time it would be as awesome as my 401K. Which has….lemme check…oh FUCK!

  • smashaduck

    Needz moar wartz!

  • FakaktaSouth

    The HPV vaccine is VERY good policy, dying of cervical cancer is bad.

  • Callyson

    Paul: can't protect those twelve year old girls from STDs. How else will we slut – shame them and keep their legs closed?

  • io9k9s

    Michele, please point to Chile on the map.

  • fuflans

    can i just say that it's weird to me that nancy has such hefty gams? she's such a tiny little thing.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Has Michelle's head gotten bigger or is her hair different?

    • io9k9s

      it's the femmebot hair

  • SayItWithWookies

    Herman Cain believes in the Chilean model for Social Security — when you get too old or complain too much, you get pushed out a helicopter over the Pacific.

  • Dexter Linwood

    I'm beginning to think Romney may end up winning this thing, and that'd be really bad for Obama. Perry is toast.

  • Poindexter718

    Bachmann: Measles for kids!

  • FakaktaSouth

    Ew Michele cut her teeth on genital warts.

  • Callyson

    Oh that explains it–Shelly cut her teeth.

  • smashaduck

    She cut her teeth on her foster childrens! It works a lot better than a time out.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    Forcing an immunization an innocent 12 year old girl! LET HER HAVE STDs AND CANCER LIBRULS!

  • Callyson

    Perry: I hate cancer…
    …and I love puppies and babies. Vote for me!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh dear — Michele Bachmann was in charge of education reform in Ohio? Mississippi will be sending you a thank-you note.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    The only one who looks presidential is the moderator.

  • Callyson

    Is that a *pink* tie on Ricky? No wonder he is going after Perry now…Ricky wants all the rent boys for himself…

  • poncho_pilot

    Santorum! he's both a "tight end" and a "wide receiver".

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Wait wait wait, are you saying Ken isn't Wonkette Jr.?

  • Poindexter718

    Wide receiver!!11!!

  • smashaduck

    Wide receivers leak a lot of Santorum.

  • bumfug

    Why does Rick Santorum always look like he can barely stand the smell of his upper lip?

    • smashaduck

      Cause, Santorum, obvsly.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Sweaty Santorum is even yuckier.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Santorum wants to talk about Gardicil and — wide receivers?! He's been googling himself too much.

  • RadioEnron9/11

    Only Santorum can tie Human Papilloma Virus with 9/11. Wide Receivers with family values. and Obama with cancer.

  • Indiepalin

    Rick Santorum has seven kids, including a very strange little girl.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Romney: "My guess is Governor Perry would want to do it a different way."

    Okay, the sex talk is out of control here.

  • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

    Kirsten has a new liveblogging post up, go AND BE THERE http://wonkette.com/452733/liveblogging-the-gop-r

  • Callyson

    Mittens: Obama hasn't got a clue about how to get the economy working again
    …blah blah blah tax cuts deregulation the same things W did blah blah blah…

  • Dexter Linwood

    Shorter Gingrish: Be afraid, America. Be very, very afraid.

  • poncho_pilot

    Romney: um…um…San Dimas High School Football rules!!!

  • smashaduck

    Yes cause the problem with 9/11 is we never responded. At all. Just went right on with our day.

  • DrinkYerBourbon

    Ron Paul got molested at the airport

  • poncho_pilot

    haha….sexual activities…hehe…

  • Callyson

    Ron Paul does not want the government to sexually maul passengers. The private sector can do that much better.

  • io9k9s

    Newt, the people out there who want to kill 'us', are mostly well, the rest of us.

  • Tobywankenobe

    Ron Paul: Federal regulations were responsible for 9/11. WTF?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ron Paul wants to go back to the kind of airport security that let the 9/11 hijackers on planes with box cutters and mace? Hmmm….

  • Callyson

    Paul: cut that air conditioning for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan now. Those socialist troops don't need it.

  • poncho_pilot
    • Callyson

      HAHAHAHAHA…I did not know Paul was a fan of beat!

      • poncho_pilot

        he invented the first drum, you know. back when all markets were free because there weren't any.

  • Callyson

    So, Cain is not anti *big* government after all–he just wants the states to have more fun. That'll go over real well with the true blue Reeps…unless they don't notice it…

  • poncho_pilot

    Huntsman isn't going to win…is he?

    lol.

  • Fare la Volpe

    "Dear fuck-for-brains, why you so stupid?"

  • Serfville

    Look at the pom poms on Nancy's shoes. Was she tap dancing at the War On Christmas Party at the White House?

  • Callyson

    Perry: Texas has made great progress on education
    Woo hoo! We suck less now! Vote for me!

  • Tobywankenobe

    Rick PArry: Our graduation rate is 84% now. Trust me; that's complete and total BS.

  • Fare la Volpe

    eBay moves to your state because half your workers will work for hobo beans.

  • Callyson

    Perry: companies don't come to Texas because we have an incapable workforce
    No, Perry, companies come to Texas because you have a *cheap* workforce…

  • poncho_pilot

    yeah, tell that to mother-in-law, Rick. she pays for supplies for the kids she teaches out of pocket. in Texas.

  • Callyson

    Telemundo? Here comes the immigration bashing…

  • Serfville

    Perry's gonna ask this telemundo dude for his papers

  • io9k9s

    The debate is having a weird Jeapordy moment…

  • Callyson

    Perry wants those boots on the ground…
    …I guess that's where the firefighters whose budgets are being cut will be sent now. Burn, Texas, burn!

  • AutomaticPilot

    Rick Perry definitely colors his hair. I think he uses that Touich of Gray stuff.

    • Callyson

      He's touched, that's for sure…

  • poncho_pilot

    build the dang technologically-improved fence!

  • Warpde

    So from what I have got to this point. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__n5Bgxx-68

  • Fare la Volpe

    How'd chucking out all the Mexicans do for Georgia?

    • poncho_pilot

      how're those rotting crops working out for you?

  • Fare la Volpe

    REAGAN SUPPORTED AMNETTSY! RINO!

  • Callyson

    Mittens: employers are illegal immigration magnets
    …yes, and it didn't occur to him that the relentless search for cheap labor is the *reason* for that? A problem that could be solved by, IDK, enforcing worker's rights maybe?

  • io9k9s

    Santorum looks like every minute is groundhog minute….

  • poncho_pilot

    Santorum: The Italian Dukakis.

  • Callyson

    Shelly: those narcoterrorists are threatening America! Fence us all in now!

  • io9k9s

    Michele Cubans are not Mexicans, you stupid cunt!

  • poncho_pilot

    just answer the fucking question, Bachmann.

    too bad you didn't learn American history.

    "i won't burden the tax payer."

    "welcome to America."

  • Callyson

    Cain: dump the immigration problem on the border states
    …there goes his Sun Belt support, at least among the elected officials who are complaining about the Feds supposedly not doing enough on this issue…

  • Callyson

    OK, I'll give Paul credit for pointing out the impact of the drug war on the immigration issue. Too bad he's a nutcase otherwise…

    • poncho_pilot

      if only Ron Paul would use his powers for good instead of evil…he'd still never get elected president.

  • Callyson

    Break, thank God

  • Callyson

    The candidates said they don't want a lightening rod…
    …but those are fun, so fuck them. It's on!

  • Callyson

    Perry wants to cut a snake's head off. Yeah, those snakes are the ones who are wrecking the economy: you know how expensive treating snakebites is these days?

  • Warpde

    Balanced budget amendment?
    But Ricky.
    How you gonna pay for them wars y'all love so much?

  • Callyson

    VERY quiet applause for Huntsman's call to bring the troops home…uh oh…

  • poncho_pilot

    oh, fuck. Huntsman using those big words again.

  • poncho_pilot

    when all else fails, talk shit!

  • Callyson

    Mittens: Obama's plan tomorrow will be like his plans in the past
    …yeah. Obama should shift his positions every other day, like Mittens…

  • Callyson

    Perry: Keynes is dead
    …Governor, I remember saying the same about hyper – active deregulation in 2008. Careful what you predict…

  • Callyson

    Shelly: OMG the military might be cut! Whatever will we do without funds for weapons that do not work?

  • Callyson

    Wow, is this the *first* reference to "radical Islam"? Surprised it took this long…

  • Callyson

    Ricky does not want to pull out…

  • Callyson

    "A buffet of crazy and inane comments"
    An excellent summary of tonight's debate…

  • ChessieNefercat

    I want for each and every one off them the exact lifestyle, health, and retirement that they are willing to inflict on all the rest of us. And then I hope they all roast in hell forevermore (meaning having to listen to each other unceasingly forevermore). The end.

  • Callyson

    Perry: Galileo got outvoted for a spell
    …um, idiot, that was by the church, not by other scientists…
    Jesus fucking christ. Time for yet another drink…

  • ChessieNefercat

    Soon I will watch Rescue Me and picture every one of these assholes in that warehouse fire.

  • Callyson

    Bachmann: regulation of coal has led to job losses
    …bitch, unregulated mining of coal has led to loss of *life* (of coal miners in accidents and residents of the area via air pollution)…

  • Callyson

    Newtie: liberate the snowed in lands now!

  • Callyson

    Mittens: the middle class hurts more than the poor
    …um, Mittens, the middle class is *disappearing* thanks to W – era policies…

  • Callyson

    What is this crap about 9 9 9 from Cain? Does the irony of what those numbers represent when they are upside down *completely* elude him?

  • Callyson

    I was just going to say, isn't it time to end this freak show?
    And Nancy looks as if she is thinking "WTF?"

  • Warpde

    Can't believe I watched the whole thing.
    Excuse me while I go shower and change.
    I feel soiled.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    With only a trace amount of snark: policy-wise, it appears Perry is running for President of the Confederacy.

    • Dexter Linwood

      I know, right? He makes old Jeff Davis look like a moderate damn-near abouts.

  • AlterNewt

    Ken L.
    yeah, she [Michele Bachmann] has no idea of what anyone is saying

    she sees angels dancing in the distance

    angels!

    with little reagan heads.~

    Now I'm afraid to go to sleep.

  • mumbly_joe

    So, at some point in the debate, Herman Cain expressed admiration for "Chilean model" of reforms, instituted in the 1970's. I was going to say here at some point, "You know who ELSE admired the things Chile did in the 1970's", but then I did a quick google search and found out that it's not like Cain's open admiration of a fascist dictator is even a recent thing.

  • sunt97

    I could only stand to watch maybe a half hour before I started getting afraid that Michelle B. head was going to explode and ruin my dessert.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  • Walkinwiddaking

    "5:03 PM — Brian Williams: “Texas is full of illiterate jobless cretins. Are you the man to make sure that is true for ALL of America?”"

    That's not fair, he didn't say jobless, did he?