that's like 20 dinners at olive garden

Obama Preparing ‘Jobs Plan’ To Give $961.04 To Each American

Ha ha, you won't really get 980 dollars at all.According to somebody who telephoned CNN, Barack Obama’s jobs plan will involve somehow spending $300 billion because of tax cuts, and then people will have jobs again. No really this is what the article says. That’s $961.04 for every man, woman, transgender and child in America! Happy days are here again! Nine-hundred-and-sixty-one dollars! Enough for rent this month, plus some rice-a-roni!

CNN reports:

President Barack Obama is preparing to roll out a roughly $300 billion plan to strengthen the shaky economy and stimulate new job growth, according to Democratic sources. The plan would be paid for partly by closing corporate loopholes and raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future, a Democrat familiar with the plan told CNN.

The president is expected to unveil his plan — focused partly on new infrastructure spending and targeted tax cuts — during an address Thursday evening to a joint session of Congress.

Sources added that by tomorrow night, in anticipation of Republican opposition, Obama will have reduced his “jobs plan” to nothing but a $300 billion tax cut for the richest hundred people in America. [CNN]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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    1. johnnymeatworth

      I gotta be on time
      Just to collect my reward
      I gotta stand in line
      Makes me feel so fucking bored

      Buzzer sounds, gotta move
      Feet move, legs move, hands move, brain moves….
      Real slow

    2. Crank_Tango

      you know i'm gonna go out, get something for my head
      if i keep on doing this, I'm gonna end up dead

  1. MrFizzy

    Too late Barry! We're already fucked because we don't do anything well besides produce porn, we have a government that would have to improve to be merely bad, and China has a billion people who are willing to work for practically nothing. Oh, and half the country takes people like Michele Bachmann seriously. Seriously.

    1. Ken Layne

      As Tom Scocca says in his very good new book about Beijing, China has one-point-THREE billion, which means the rounding error is as big as our entire population.

      1. MrFizzy

        LOL. I heard there are two people in Portland who aren't too obese to be photographed nude, though this is unconfirmed.

  2. WhatTheHolyHeck

    $300B to stimulate this economy? That's awesome. I always jump start my car with a watch battery.

    1. Dexter Linwood

      Not only is it "only" $300 billion, but only $50 billion is actually infrastructure. You know, like the last stimulus. This guy continues to self-sabotage himself and us.

  3. SorosBot

    And there's no way the Republican Congress will pass it, both because they don't want the rich to pay taxes and they want unemployment to remain high until November 2012, so it's all just politics.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Crap. I wish Barry would go really big, bring back the WPA for example, nationalize the damn banks, and then bash the do nothing congress over the head with it until 11/2012.

      1. Crank_Tango

        God at this point all he really needs to do is come up with a plan like that, let them stonewall it, and then bend them over said stone wall. ahhahahaha I must be dreaming, that'll never happen.

        1. Dexter Linwood

          My grandpa was with the CCC. It's actually something I didn't learn until last year since my grandma doesn't talk about him much.

      2. Pristine_ODummy

        The problem is that the Congresscritters have to agree. Never try to negotiate with a crazy person holding hostages, because they don't CARE if the hostage dies, and YOU DO. That's the difference. Barry DOESN'T WANT to blow up the economy. The Repigs do.

        1. twaingirl

          Dead on. As much as Barry makes me angry, he always goes with these decisions because they are, ultimatly, about helping certain groups of people. He wouldn't let the Rethugs take down the entire gov't because it would hurt people. Or at least he plays it that way. However, with the way things have been going lately, I pulled out my West Wing DVDs and began reliving of the joys of the Bartlet presidency.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            I lived through the joyous days of the Reagan Presduncenutzi, with businesses closing everywhere and my little city turning into a poverty-stricken blight. Things were a thousand times worse then, and I remember those days quite clearly. Barry isn't doing what I want him to do, but he's SO much better than Reagan, Bush I, Bush II, and even better than Clinton (I still lerve Bill, but NAFTA was a great big Fist O'Bizness right up the ass, no lube; and the EndWelfare shit really hurt poor people A LOT; but we all forget about that because Bill's so good at gladhanding).

            I wish people would do something about their memories. They seem to reset to zero every fucking week.

          2. twaingirl

            I was in 3rd grade when NAFTA passed. I remember they had us watch on TV because it was such a momentous occasion. Then you grow up and realize who it was momentous *for*. My only real political memories are of the Lewinsky scandal, which made no sense to me, and Dubya. And being arrested for protesting the Iraq War cuz this is America!

          3. Pristine_ODummy

            Aha, a Youngz! Nice to meet you.

            I protested the bombing of Serbia, but managed not to get my aged ass arrested. Too gimpy to protest the Iraq war. Too gimpy and too overworked. But kudos to you for protesting it.

        2. Dexter Linwood

          The problem is that the Congresscritters have to agree.

          Which is exactly why you propose the most ridiculously grand/impressive plan that you can and force them to deny you and the American people. Then you can bargain it down. You don't negotiate by giving in before the negotiations start. Good god, this is negotiating 101.

    2. James Michael Curley

      Dear Republicans in Congress,
      I write to advise, from long ago with the clarity only true hindsight can provide, that there is a tipping point; a point at which all those hideous, bothersome little people swollen and swell up from their hunger and do something. In my case, the something was not pleasant. Ruined a dress and a well coiffed wig.

    3. commandermonkey

      Until November 2012?

      I always thought the GOP strategy was to increase unemployment and eliminate unemployment assistance because our corporate overloads want a populace starved and willing to work for next to nothing.

      I am pretty sure in chess this would be called endgame. If the GOP, and every other major politician who relies on corporate benevolence to survive, is going for broke(i.e. your broke, I'm broke, the entire country is broke and willing to enter into indentured servitude to survive) then why even pretend to raise employment after an election?

    1. caitifty

      America – the place where heading east gets you to the West, and heading west gets you to the East.

  4. Come here a minute

    Was the person who called CNN yellin' on the phone? 'Cause then it was probably a teabagger.

  5. MittsHairHelmet

    The richest 100 people in America can't get $300 billion in tax cuts because they barely pay any taxes already. It would be more like a subsidy.

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      Two candy bars and a coke.

      Oh, I thought you asked what Father Murphy gives for anal sex. Sorry.

  6. Oblios_Cap

    The plan would be paid for partly by closing corporate loopholes and raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future

    In the future = Never in this sentence.

    In the future? Why not do it retroactively?

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      The law will read "The tax increases will go into effect 2 years from today*"

      * – "Today" being the day that you read this sentence.

  7. anniegetyerfun

    The person who called CNN – were they an inside source, or just some random person who doesn't know how to use Twitter?

  8. edgydrifter

    Well, that would pretty much cover what I still owe on last year's state taxes and my wife's speeding ticket, so…. hooray jobs?

  9. Ducksworthy

    Also a special War Tax on millionaires would be welcomed by the peon class (those upon whom the trickle down will happen.)

  10. BeWoot

    You know, in Arizona you have to take a 16-hour course to be qualified to stand around a construction site in an orange vest waving a flag at passing cars. Still, I'm all for the infrastructure spending even if they won't hire old undereducated guys like me.

    Barry Barry Rah Rah Rah!

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      It's even worse when you hand them a resume and they tell you you're "overqualified" for the job. After three or four of those, you just don't bother looking anymore.

  11. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future"

    This assumes a future in which the Rethuglicans have been thrown out on their asses.

  12. El Pinche

    At least we have our Jenner and Kardashian commodities. We can hold out at 5th place in the world until 2012…when we will all die. At least we'll all be together!

    1. Ducksworthy

      Actually, given that our life expectancy is around 47th. in the world waiting around until we all die might be a relatively minor inconvenience.

          1. El Pinche

            This last weekend I discovered Fireball; it is baaaaad. I sailed to Fireball Island, and it is a dangerous place.

    1. chicken_thief

      If you blow Kochs, then you'd money left for hookers! But waiting in line behind, Scott, Perry, Walker, etc would be a buzz kill.

    1. Come here a minute

      The teabag freshmen won't vote for it unless they can copy it down in crayon on the blank end page of their pocket constitutions.

  13. Goonemeritus

    He will lay it out in a passionate reasoned way, after all who can argue that our infrastructure doesn’t need investment. He will explain how the country will pay for it and economists will all agree that it may not fix the problem but it will help. Yet everyone at his speech including him knows it will not happen. How depressing it’s like sharing a life boat with an insomniac psychopath with cannibalistic tendencies

  14. DaRooster

    Please donate mine to GE or one of those other great American institutions that take such good care of my country. I know they will hire people and it will trickle down upon all of us… at least that is what Jesus Reagan told me.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Since I've been living under the stadium at the high school football field, the only thing that trickles down is yellowish and smells.

    1. Dexter Linwood

      Hell, $900 in Michigan gets you some pretty nice digs, these days. I mean, we're talking about multiple bedrooms, not those closests that pass for "rooms" on the coasts.

    1. flamingpdog

      A late-night triple feature of "Insatiable", "Debbie Does Dallas", and "The Opening of Misty Beethoven". Now that's a stimulus program I could go for.

  15. KeepFnThatChicken

    Wow, Ken. I've seen you in dark moods, but "Obama will have reduced his 'jobs plan' to nothing but a $300 billion tax cut for the richest hundred people in America" is so sad, I may start crying.

    …and agreeing with you.

      1. DaRooster

        I just pictured some of the shit they make for our rich people(?) to sell to the 'Merican public and they just crack up when the plans come around from factory to factory… especially in the dildo factories.

  16. SmutBoffin

    Meanwhile, in Bizarro America, Hussein Obamar takes $960 from each American, spends it on Sharia, and creates jobs, somehow. Jessie Whisperin reports.

  17. Allmighty_Manos

    "President Barack Obama is preparing to roll out a roughly $300 billion plan to strengthen the shaky economy and stimulate new job growth, according to Democratic sources. The plan would be paid for partly by closing corporate loopholes and raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future, a Democrat familiar with the plan told CNN"

    Yeah, that's going to happen. Obama might as well ask the GOP to chip in a case of Yuengling and a bag of cheetos for tommorow's NFL opener if we playing a game of let's pretend.

  18. Sue4466

    Why is he even bothering to go on with the talk? Mitchell and the rest of the GOP told him way back on January 21, 2009, that there was no way his jobs plan would work.

  19. genxr

    Is this going to be another stillborn proposal? I'd like to see Obama propose a new G.I. Bill. Everyone who was deployed in The War On Terror[tm] gets a full ride college scholarship, with extra bonuses for studying engineering and sustainable energy. Throw in an equal amount of infrastructure spending, so the chickenhawks can get construction jobs. I would really like to see Republicans oppose that.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      This will be reported on Fox, and repeated endlessly as "Taxing and spending in the most craven way possible. Obama cynically tries to use our county's heroes to make political gains." Chyron under the pictures "Troops mean nothing to Obama but political football?"

      CNN will follow with "Is this a cynical ploy to use our troops to shore up a failing presidency? We'll discuss this with our political panel, including Erick Erickson of"

    2. Pristine_ODummy

      They're opposing health care for 9/11 responders. You really think they're gonna bat an eye at this bullshit?

  20. Slim_Pickins

    The GOP plan is to divide the money equally among the 300 richest people in the US for "job creation."

    1. Guppy06

      It'll be like the Catholic schools of old that I've heard about, where Boehner Cantor will have a special little clicker that directs the rest of the House Republicans when to applaud, when to jeer, and when to stand up and yell "You lie!" in unison.

  21. Polythene_Pam

    What a great idea! If I had $966, I would totally create a job!
    Hmmm… What could I pay someone $18.50 a week to do for me?
    I know! They could get my kids' dinner & make sure they get their homework done, while dad & I go out to panhandle!

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      Bear in mind that you'll be getting the kids' allotments, too. So, that's, like, what? $3600 or more, man. Enough for at least TWO crates of hobo beans.

  22. imissopus

    Barack Obama’s jobs plan will involve somehow spending $300 billion because of tax cuts, and then people will have jobs again. No really this is what the article says.

    Haha, no it really doesn't, but you do seem to have read the entire article this time, so Progress!

    Ugh, this does not sound like a good plan, but since Congress won't pass anything anyway I guess it's back to pounding my head against the table in hopes of knocking myself into unconsciousness for the next few years.

  23. flamingpdog

    "… I still believe both parties can work together to solve our problems," the president said in a Labor Day speech in Detroit.

    Well, Barry, Michele has the hand-wavy thing down a lot better than you do, but you definitely are getting closer on the delusional thinking part there, pardner.

  24. bigdupa

    $961.04…. OR 9 /(6+1+4= 11) 9/11! Hey Eric, if you can't put 9/11 in everyone's fanny pack, the terrorists win.

  25. YouBetcha

    That won't even buy you three hours with me, and I'm not dropping my rates. I don't care how bad the economy gets.

    1. DahBoner

      "That won't even buy you three hours with me, and I'm not dropping my rates. "'

      No, but it will buy a ticket to Shanghai or Bangkok, where tons of free sex is available, because foreigners are willing to do what Americans American Women With Too High Expectations cannot will not…

  26. subsum

    $961.04 surely pays for a few nice blowjobs or a lot of handjobs (I don't know what the going rate is these days). That would be a good jobs program.

  27. DahBoner

    Private Ideas on How to Create Jobs

    "Ahead of Obama's jobs-focused speech to a join session of Congress on Thursday, the Wall Street Journal talked to four groups of people, including CEOs and entrepreneurs, to get their takes on spurring job creation…"

    Hey America!

    How are those CEOs and entrepreneurs creating jobs working out for ya?

    //snort, snort

  28. WhatTheHeck

    I suggest everyone take their stimulus monies and invest it in the Stock Market.
    What could go wrong?

  29. mumbly_joe

    Problem is, even if you do the non-hilarious version of the same math:

    The "official" number unemployed is ~14 million, if you assume that the idea to get out of the recession is to reduce unemployment to ~2-3 % (and 80% cut, basically), that means 300 billion becomes… 26k jobs for all! Hope you love living just barely above the poverty line, forever, peons!

    But, it gets better: the "unofficial" unemployment number is considered closer to 22-30 million, or 15-20% of the workforce. Soooo… now, 300 billion is actually between 23k and 18k per jobless person. I hope you enjoy being at or below the poverty line, because that's all we got. Not that the political will exists for a jobs plan this "ambitious", that is. We need to worry about debt and inflation, after all!

    1. PubOption

      Poorly-paying jobs, exactly what the republicans want to create, but they'll still find a way to complain about it.

  30. Jukesgrrl

    It's enough for my mortgage payment. And given how many unemployed relatives are living in my house, we're now good for more than another year. Thanks, Barry!

  31. a_pink_poodle

    "The plan would be paid for partly by closing corporate loopholes and raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future"

    And that's why it won't get passed.

  32. genxr

    How about climatology? That'd make some Republican heads explode, having a combat veteran explain greenhouse gases to them.

    I even have a plan to get it passed: Force every millionaire to go to the local VA hospital and explain to disabled veterans why they don't want a 2% tax increase, and do this every day until the bill becomes law.

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