that's like 20 dinners at olive garden

Obama Preparing ‘Jobs Plan’ To Give $961.04 To Each American

Ha ha, you won't really get 980 dollars at all.According to somebody who telephoned CNN, Barack Obama’s jobs plan will involve somehow spending $300 billion because of tax cuts, and then people will have jobs again. No really this is what the article says. That’s $961.04 for every man, woman, transgender and child in America! Happy days are here again! Nine-hundred-and-sixty-one dollars! Enough for rent this month, plus some rice-a-roni!

CNN reports:

President Barack Obama is preparing to roll out a roughly $300 billion plan to strengthen the shaky economy and stimulate new job growth, according to Democratic sources. The plan would be paid for partly by closing corporate loopholes and raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future, a Democrat familiar with the plan told CNN.

The president is expected to unveil his plan — focused partly on new infrastructure spending and targeted tax cuts — during an address Thursday evening to a joint session of Congress.

Sources added that by tomorrow night, in anticipation of Republican opposition, Obama will have reduced his “jobs plan” to nothing but a $300 billion tax cut for the richest hundred people in America. [CNN]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • WunkRocker

    Gimme gimme Gimme, I need some more. Gimme gimme gimme, don't ask what for.

    • johnnymeatworth

      I gotta be on time
      Just to collect my reward
      I gotta stand in line
      Makes me feel so fucking bored

      Buzzer sounds, gotta move
      Feet move, legs move, hands move, brain moves….
      Real slow

    • Crank_Tango

      you know i'm gonna go out, get something for my head
      if i keep on doing this, I'm gonna end up dead

      • WunkRocker

        haha, sing it boys, do it again…

  • Barb

    Lordy, we're having biscuits with dinner tonight! Thanks Barry!

    • Oblios_Cap

      you can have chicken, but it'll have to be the 2-piece dark meat basket.

  • MrFizzy

    Too late Barry! We're already fucked because we don't do anything well besides produce porn, we have a government that would have to improve to be merely bad, and China has a billion people who are willing to work for practically nothing. Oh, and half the country takes people like Michele Bachmann seriously. Seriously.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      As Tom Scocca says in his very good new book about Beijing, China has one-point-THREE billion, which means the rounding error is as big as our entire population.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      It's down to 9% for BatShitKrayKrayMann now.

    • Guppy06

      On the contrary, we don't make good porn any more, as nobody in the US has the physique for it.

      • MrFizzy

        LOL. I heard there are two people in Portland who aren't too obese to be photographed nude, though this is unconfirmed.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    $300B to stimulate this economy? That's awesome. I always jump start my car with a watch battery.

    • BeWoot

      FTW. Upfist supreme.

      • Thurman Munster IV

        ditto

    • Dexter Linwood

      Not only is it "only" $300 billion, but only $50 billion is actually infrastructure. You know, like the last stimulus. This guy continues to self-sabotage himself and us.

  • SorosBot

    And there's no way the Republican Congress will pass it, both because they don't want the rich to pay taxes and they want unemployment to remain high until November 2012, so it's all just politics.

    • Ducksworthy

      Crap. I wish Barry would go really big, bring back the WPA for example, nationalize the damn banks, and then bash the do nothing congress over the head with it until 11/2012.

      • Crank_Tango

        God at this point all he really needs to do is come up with a plan like that, let them stonewall it, and then bend them over said stone wall. ahhahahaha I must be dreaming, that'll never happen.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I want them to bring back the CCC so I can get paid for going camping.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Fresh air! Exercise! Grizzly bears!

        • Dexter Linwood

          My grandpa was with the CCC. It's actually something I didn't learn until last year since my grandma doesn't talk about him much.

      • SorosBot

        But that wouldn't be bipartisan, and we can't have that.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        The problem is that the Congresscritters have to agree. Never try to negotiate with a crazy person holding hostages, because they don't CARE if the hostage dies, and YOU DO. That's the difference. Barry DOESN'T WANT to blow up the economy. The Repigs do.

        • twaingirl

          Dead on. As much as Barry makes me angry, he always goes with these decisions because they are, ultimatly, about helping certain groups of people. He wouldn't let the Rethugs take down the entire gov't because it would hurt people. Or at least he plays it that way. However, with the way things have been going lately, I pulled out my West Wing DVDs and began reliving of the joys of the Bartlet presidency.

          • Pristine_ODummy

            I lived through the joyous days of the Reagan Presduncenutzi, with businesses closing everywhere and my little city turning into a poverty-stricken blight. Things were a thousand times worse then, and I remember those days quite clearly. Barry isn't doing what I want him to do, but he's SO much better than Reagan, Bush I, Bush II, and even better than Clinton (I still lerve Bill, but NAFTA was a great big Fist O'Bizness right up the ass, no lube; and the EndWelfare shit really hurt poor people A LOT; but we all forget about that because Bill's so good at gladhanding).

            I wish people would do something about their memories. They seem to reset to zero every fucking week.

          • twaingirl

            I was in 3rd grade when NAFTA passed. I remember they had us watch on TV because it was such a momentous occasion. Then you grow up and realize who it was momentous *for*. My only real political memories are of the Lewinsky scandal, which made no sense to me, and Dubya. And being arrested for protesting the Iraq War cuz this is America!

          • Pristine_ODummy

            Aha, a Youngz! Nice to meet you.

            I protested the bombing of Serbia, but managed not to get my aged ass arrested. Too gimpy to protest the Iraq war. Too gimpy and too overworked. But kudos to you for protesting it.

        • Dexter Linwood

          The problem is that the Congresscritters have to agree.

          Which is exactly why you propose the most ridiculously grand/impressive plan that you can and force them to deny you and the American people. Then you can bargain it down. You don't negotiate by giving in before the negotiations start. Good god, this is negotiating 101.

    • James Michael Curley

      Dear Republicans in Congress,
      I write to advise, from long ago with the clarity only true hindsight can provide, that there is a tipping point; a point at which all those hideous, bothersome little people swollen and swell up from their hunger and do something. In my case, the something was not pleasant. Ruined a dress and a well coiffed wig.
      Marie

    • commandermonkey

      Until November 2012?

      I always thought the GOP strategy was to increase unemployment and eliminate unemployment assistance because our corporate overloads want a populace starved and willing to work for next to nothing.

      I am pretty sure in chess this would be called endgame. If the GOP, and every other major politician who relies on corporate benevolence to survive, is going for broke(i.e. your broke, I'm broke, the entire country is broke and willing to enter into indentured servitude to survive) then why even pretend to raise employment after an election?

      • Ducksworthy

        Perhaps. But Marie couldn't say "Let them eat $1 McDoubles."

  • littlebigdaddy

    Barry, you know we'll just blow it all on anusburgers and cool ranch doritos and big gulps.

    • emmelemm

      I know I would.

    • tihond

      That's what he's hoping for. He also plans on raising taxes on anusburgers, doritos and big gulps.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Wow, Cool Ranch Doritos. Fuck, I love those things. Haven't had them in years, but I even remember the weird, New Mexico-themed commercial that ushered them into the American consumer's mind in the 1980s.

      Found it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foylA9FIfXM

    • littlebigdaddy

      And new batteries for the Hoveround.

    • chicken_thief

      And weed. Need. more. weed.

  • Ducksworthy

    Better skip the RiceaRoni. Get used to eating just rice. We becoming China West. Or is it East?

    • BeWoot

      East. It's East China, Northern Mexico. Albania's Satellite.

    • caitifty

      America – the place where heading east gets you to the West, and heading west gets you to the East.

  • Come here a minute

    Was the person who called CNN yellin' on the phone? 'Cause then it was probably a teabagger.

    • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

      Her hologramophone was broken.

    • chicken_thief

      HEH?!!!

    • fuflans

      how do you yell in allcaps?

  • MittsHairHelmet

    The richest 100 people in America can't get $300 billion in tax cuts because they barely pay any taxes already. It would be more like a subsidy.

  • Tundra Grifter

    $961.04 – How much is that in American money?

    • Come here a minute

      It ain't worth nothin' unless it's in gold.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        so… half an ounce, then?

    • Guppy06

      About 1500 cans of hobo beans.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Two candy bars and a coke.

      Oh, I thought you asked what Father Murphy gives for anal sex. Sorry.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The plan would be paid for partly by closing corporate loopholes and raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future

    In the future = Never in this sentence.

    In the future? Why not do it retroactively?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Constitution.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      The law will read "The tax increases will go into effect 2 years from today*"

      * – "Today" being the day that you read this sentence.

  • anniegetyerfun

    The person who called CNN – were they an inside source, or just some random person who doesn't know how to use Twitter?

  • edgydrifter

    Well, that would pretty much cover what I still owe on last year's state taxes and my wife's speeding ticket, so…. hooray jobs?

  • Ducksworthy

    Also a special War Tax on millionaires would be welcomed by the peon class (those upon whom the trickle down will happen.)

  • tihond

    So it's true what they say about Black Presidents. Their stimulus packages ARE bigger.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      It's Twoo! It's Twooo!

      (I wish)

    • Pristine_ODummy

      You know what they say. Once you've had urban — I mean, Black.

  • BeWoot

    You know, in Arizona you have to take a 16-hour course to be qualified to stand around a construction site in an orange vest waving a flag at passing cars. Still, I'm all for the infrastructure spending even if they won't hire old undereducated guys like me.

    Barry Barry Rah Rah Rah!

    • Pristine_ODummy

      It's even worse when you hand them a resume and they tell you you're "overqualified" for the job. After three or four of those, you just don't bother looking anymore.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future"

    This assumes a future in which the Rethuglicans have been thrown out on their asses.

    • Ducksworthy

      Now that's a future I could live in.

      • jus_wonderin

        The future is now. Uh, no, now. Wait, now. It's now. No, it is now. Dammit!!!

    • Pristine_ODummy

      We long for that day.

  • El Pinche

    At least we have our Jenner and Kardashian commodities. We can hold out at 5th place in the world until 2012…when we will all die. At least we'll all be together!

    • Ducksworthy

      Actually, given that our life expectancy is around 47th. in the world waiting around until we all die might be a relatively minor inconvenience.

      • El Pinche

        I think I'll get a head start this weekend with some jager bombs and fireball whiskey.

        • Pristine_ODummy

          Oh, excellent idea. (rummages around in liquor cabinet)

          • El Pinche

            This last weekend I discovered Fireball; it is baaaaad. I sailed to Fireball Island, and it is a dangerous place.

          • Pristine_ODummy

            Save me a little, and I'll save you a pour of some wonderful brandy I bought recently.

  • Not_So_Much

    $961.04? If I spend it all on hookers and blow, will the Kochs let me into their tax cut club?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Probably not, but it's worth a try. Win-win scenario. there.

    • chicken_thief

      If you blow Kochs, then you'd money left for hookers! But waiting in line behind, Scott, Perry, Walker, etc would be a buzz kill.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Whatever he says, the bill's got too many pages in it.

    • Come here a minute

      The teabag freshmen won't vote for it unless they can copy it down in crayon on the blank end page of their pocket constitutions.

  • Goonemeritus

    He will lay it out in a passionate reasoned way, after all who can argue that our infrastructure doesn’t need investment. He will explain how the country will pay for it and economists will all agree that it may not fix the problem but it will help. Yet everyone at his speech including him knows it will not happen. How depressing it’s like sharing a life boat with an insomniac psychopath with cannibalistic tendencies

    • Nothingisamiss

      "Life of PI" is the new metaphor for my country?

      • twaingirl

        Boehner is orange like a tiger. Coincidence….?

  • DaRooster

    Barry,
    Please donate mine to GE or one of those other great American institutions that take such good care of my country. I know they will hire people and it will trickle down upon all of us… at least that is what Jesus Reagan told me.
    Thanks,
    DR

    • James Michael Curley

      Since I've been living under the stadium at the high school football field, the only thing that trickles down is yellowish and smells.

      • DaRooster

        Oh, that's (probably) Mountain Dew…

        • Pristine_ODummy

          Yes, I'm sure. Preprocessed through someone else's kidneys.

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    That's not even enough for an eight ball. How am I supposed to get excited about that?

  • Tommmcattt

    $900 covers your rent? Where do you live, Detroit?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Out here that'll get you a cardboard refrigerator box out by the dump.

    • flamingpdog

      Just a Ken Layne brain fart – he left out the word "boy" after "rent".

    • Dexter Linwood

      Hell, $900 in Michigan gets you some pretty nice digs, these days. I mean, we're talking about multiple bedrooms, not those closests that pass for "rooms" on the coasts.

  • ttommyunger

    Wow, a stimulus program. Ingenious!

    • flamingpdog

      A late-night triple feature of "Insatiable", "Debbie Does Dallas", and "The Opening of Misty Beethoven". Now that's a stimulus program I could go for.

      • ttommyunger

        How does any man watch porn longer than six or seven minutes at a time? It is a mystery to me.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Wow, Ken. I've seen you in dark moods, but "Obama will have reduced his 'jobs plan' to nothing but a $300 billion tax cut for the richest hundred people in America" is so sad, I may start crying.

    …and agreeing with you.

  • DaRooster

    Can I get it in Yen?

    • Guppy06

      Yen? Heck, for $900 Japan will let you be Prime Minster of the Week.

      • DaRooster

        I'm sure I'm getting enough fallout from here thanks.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    That's like 12 billion sets of Trucknuts!

    • genxr

      all ur trucknutz r made in china

      • DaRooster

        I just pictured some of the shit they make for our rich people(?) to sell to the 'Merican public and they just crack up when the plans come around from factory to factory… especially in the dildo factories.

  • SmutBoffin

    Meanwhile, in Bizarro America, Hussein Obamar takes $960 from each American, spends it on Sharia, and creates jobs, somehow. Jessie Whisperin reports.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "President Barack Obama is preparing to roll out a roughly $300 billion plan to strengthen the shaky economy and stimulate new job growth, according to Democratic sources. The plan would be paid for partly by closing corporate loopholes and raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future, a Democrat familiar with the plan told CNN"

    Yeah, that's going to happen. Obama might as well ask the GOP to chip in a case of Yuengling and a bag of cheetos for tommorow's NFL opener if we playing a game of let's pretend.

  • Wonderthing

    I want a half ounce of gold.

    • DaRooster

      How about a quarter pound of green?

      • Pristine_ODummy

        It's gotta be good bud, though.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    This is enough to get my pet projects, the transcontinental monorail and the space elevator off the ground.

    • genxr

      I'd like to see more funding for the electric unicycle and perpetual motion pogo stick.

      • DahBoner

        Don't forget about exploding jetpacks!

        • flamingpdog

          And the perpetual motion, electric exploding escalator up to the top of Mount Rushmore!

  • crybabyboehner

    Why would I even WANT a job when I'm gettin' 961 smackeroos?

  • Sue4466

    Why is he even bothering to go on with the talk? Mitchell and the rest of the GOP told him way back on January 21, 2009, that there was no way his jobs plan would work.

  • genxr

    Is this going to be another stillborn proposal? I'd like to see Obama propose a new G.I. Bill. Everyone who was deployed in The War On Terror[tm] gets a full ride college scholarship, with extra bonuses for studying engineering and sustainable energy. Throw in an equal amount of infrastructure spending, so the chickenhawks can get construction jobs. I would really like to see Republicans oppose that.

    • Nothingisamiss

      This will be reported on Fox, and repeated endlessly as "Taxing and spending in the most craven way possible. Obama cynically tries to use our county's heroes to make political gains." Chyron under the pictures "Troops mean nothing to Obama but political football?"

      CNN will follow with "Is this a cynical ploy to use our troops to shore up a failing presidency? We'll discuss this with our political panel, including Erick Erickson of Redstate.com"

      • genxr

        nao i haz a sad

    • Guppy06

      We Support Our Troops Defense Contractors!

    • Pristine_ODummy

      They're opposing health care for 9/11 responders. You really think they're gonna bat an eye at this bullshit?

  • Slim_Pickins

    The GOP plan is to divide the money equally among the 300 richest people in the US for "job creation."

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Well, at least he 's not suggesting we all pray for jobs.

    • DahBoner

      He always sneaks that shit in at the end of the speech….

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Needs more second-hand designer purses, with secret toy surprises stuffed inside. All for the sake of us poorz, we like to be humored, us poorz do.

  • jus_wonderin

    Is there a drinking game for everytime a Rethug stands up and yells "You lie!"?

    • Guppy06

      It'll be like the Catholic schools of old that I've heard about, where Boehner Cantor will have a special little clicker that directs the rest of the House Republicans when to applaud, when to jeer, and when to stand up and yell "You lie!" in unison.

  • Polythene_Pam

    What a great idea! If I had $966, I would totally create a job!
    Hmmm… What could I pay someone $18.50 a week to do for me?
    I know! They could get my kids' dinner & make sure they get their homework done, while dad & I go out to panhandle!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Two words: Guatemalan Nanny.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Bear in mind that you'll be getting the kids' allotments, too. So, that's, like, what? $3600 or more, man. Enough for at least TWO crates of hobo beans.

  • Redhead

    That buys an awful lot of hobo beans and cardboard boxes.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Barack Obama’s jobs plan will involve somehow spending $300 billion because of tax cuts, and then people will have jobs again. No really this is what the article says.

    Haha, no it really doesn't, but you do seem to have read the entire article this time, so Progress!

    Ugh, this does not sound like a good plan, but since Congress won't pass anything anyway I guess it's back to pounding my head against the table in hopes of knocking myself into unconsciousness for the next few years.

  • flamingpdog

    "… I still believe both parties can work together to solve our problems," the president said in a Labor Day speech in Detroit.

    Well, Barry, Michele has the hand-wavy thing down a lot better than you do, but you definitely are getting closer on the delusional thinking part there, pardner.

  • bigdupa

    $961.04…. OR 9 /(6+1+4= 11) 9/11! Hey Eric, if you can't put 9/11 in everyone's fanny pack, the terrorists win.

  • YouBetcha

    That won't even buy you three hours with me, and I'm not dropping my rates. I don't care how bad the economy gets.

    • DahBoner

      "That won't even buy you three hours with me, and I'm not dropping my rates. "'

      No, but it will buy a ticket to Shanghai or Bangkok, where tons of free sex is available, because foreigners are willing to do what Americans American Women With Too High Expectations cannot will not…

      • YouBetcha

        Who said anything about sex? I'm a lawyer. But I can understand why there might be some confusion.

      • YouBetcha

        Also, Tijuana is much closer.

  • subsum

    $961.04 surely pays for a few nice blowjobs or a lot of handjobs (I don't know what the going rate is these days). That would be a good jobs program.

  • DahBoner

    Private Ideas on How to Create Jobs

    "Ahead of Obama's jobs-focused speech to a join session of Congress on Thursday, the Wall Street Journal talked to four groups of people, including CEOs and entrepreneurs, to get their takes on spurring job creation…"

    Hey America!

    How are those CEOs and entrepreneurs creating jobs working out for ya?

    //snort, snort

    • fuflans

      and i wonder what they proposed.

      //snort, snort

  • WhatTheHeck

    I suggest everyone take their stimulus monies and invest it in the Stock Market.
    What could go wrong?

  • mumbly_joe

    Problem is, even if you do the non-hilarious version of the same math:

    The "official" number unemployed is ~14 million, if you assume that the idea to get out of the recession is to reduce unemployment to ~2-3 % (and 80% cut, basically), that means 300 billion becomes… 26k jobs for all! Hope you love living just barely above the poverty line, forever, peons!

    But, it gets better: the "unofficial" unemployment number is considered closer to 22-30 million, or 15-20% of the workforce. Soooo… now, 300 billion is actually between 23k and 18k per jobless person. I hope you enjoy being at or below the poverty line, because that's all we got. Not that the political will exists for a jobs plan this "ambitious", that is. We need to worry about debt and inflation, after all!

    • PubOption

      Poorly-paying jobs, exactly what the republicans want to create, but they'll still find a way to complain about it.

    • fuflans

      speaking as an unemployed person, i know debt and inflation are all i really worry about.

  • http://jdsmithwriter.blogspot.com Smitros

    I have a daytime job, I'm doin' alright, so somebody can have my $961.04.

    Just don't spend it on vodka in plastic flasks. That's tacky

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I just have an old guitar I can pawn…

      • http://jdsmithwriter.blogspot.com Smitros

        That's the spirit!

  • red_kira

    Not enough for MY rent. We live in Seattle. Wheeeeee!

  • Jukesgrrl

    It's enough for my mortgage payment. And given how many unemployed relatives are living in my house, we're now good for more than another year. Thanks, Barry!

  • Naked_Bunny

    Will I have to share my cut with my cats?

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Layne post about Obie? BRB. I'll get the gin and razor blades

  • Weenus299

    Make it a lottery. 300 Americans get to be the country's next billionaires.

  • BarackMyWorld

    NOBAMA STOLED MY IDEA!!!!!11

  • fuflans

    jessica yellin is on the phone. and not a hologram.

    a metaphor for america today.

  • a_pink_poodle

    "The plan would be paid for partly by closing corporate loopholes and raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans in the future"

    And that's why it won't get passed.

  • genxr

    How about climatology? That'd make some Republican heads explode, having a combat veteran explain greenhouse gases to them.

    I even have a plan to get it passed: Force every millionaire to go to the local VA hospital and explain to disabled veterans why they don't want a 2% tax increase, and do this every day until the bill becomes law.

  • elviouslyqueer

    All of them, Katie.

  • Sue4466

    My question was more rhetorical snark.