LEADERSHIP  9:44 am September 7, 2011

Rick Perry Remembers He Hadn’t Yet Blamed Feds For Texas Wildfires

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

READY AIM FIRE. No, wait.Texas, Texas, burning down, where o where can the federal government be found? Rick “just secede already” Perry is all bent out of shape because, God, these idiots, the feds are too busy with their red tape to help Rick Perry do war on the enormous wildfires trying to swallow the entire state back into the earth. Perry requested federal assistance and giant fire-killing drones from Fort Hood that have yet to arrive, although we are not sure when he asked for it because he didn’t say, maybe a few hours ago? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT. Stupid government red war tape! Keep that middle finger raised high, Rick Perry. God and the Texas state legislature that is busy cutting the firefighters’ budget by $34 million in the midst of the crisis, they will still get their high-fives.

From the Austin-American Statesman:

Three days after fires started to burn in Central Texas, Gov. Rick Perry today expressed frustration that federal firefighting support, including equipment from Fort Hood, has yet to make its way to the firefighters.

Perry said the firefighters could use heavy equipment such as bulldozers to clear fire breaks.

“It’s more difficult than it should be,”he said. “When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.”

The Obama administration, which has already approved seven federal grants for the disaster, did not say, “you are a horrible whiny biyotch, Rick Perry,” for some reason. [Austin-American Statesman]

 
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{ 209 comments }

hollywooddood September 7, 2011 at 9:48 am

What is Rick Perry doing when he's not praying or begging for federal cash?

MOG2410 September 7, 2011 at 9:52 am

Making the trains run on time?

Mumbletypeg September 7, 2011 at 9:54 am

Thinking up new names for his stompin' attire, natch.

__kth__ September 7, 2011 at 10:01 am

Threatening to secede from the United States.

johnnymeatworth September 7, 2011 at 10:05 am

Accessing Charlie's, the gay bar a few blocks from the Governor's mansion, through the secret tunnel he had built….

prommie September 7, 2011 at 10:20 am

Accessing a secret tunnel, thats hot!

hollywooddood September 7, 2011 at 11:51 am

Stop making fun of Christine O'Donnell.

Terry September 7, 2011 at 10:16 am

Giving speeches about how the States don't need the Feds and the States can take care of themselves.

WhatTheHolyHeck September 7, 2011 at 10:38 am

This. Win. Yes.

HobbesEvilTwin September 7, 2011 at 10:19 am

All of them, Katie.

arihaya September 7, 2011 at 10:39 am

it is called "mano-a-mano porno" in Texan, I believe

V572 T-Blow September 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

Grooming

DaRooster September 7, 2011 at 11:13 am

Sucking Koch?

Geminisunmars September 7, 2011 at 11:34 am

Sucha Kock?

Not_So_Much September 7, 2011 at 11:42 am

Obliterating dangerous-looking (see: brown) ground squirrels with his hand-cannon (that is totally not compensating for a small wang, you guys!).

102415 September 7, 2011 at 11:46 am

Dying his hair Reagan Black.

zhubajie September 7, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Eating someone's corndog?

SorosBot September 7, 2011 at 9:49 am

Sorry, but federal disaster assistance is unconstitutional under the Randroid alternative universe Constitution Rick Perry believes we have.

SayItWithWookies September 7, 2011 at 12:09 pm

You're forgetting the secret "But Rick Perry's in trouble" clause in Article IV, Section 9 — Texas exceptionalism!

Chet Kincaid September 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm

That's Texceptional! I will use this phrase to praise every fresh outrage from that now Officially God-Forsaken state.

HELisforHEL September 7, 2011 at 12:42 pm

'Texceptional' will now join 'Joementum' in my lexicon of aim-to-annoy-words. Thank you.

Nothingisamiss September 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Texceptional! Oh, how I love a new word.

AlterNewt September 7, 2011 at 9:49 am

"Squalid" is a word that comes to mind.

arihaya September 7, 2011 at 10:45 am

for me the word is "comeuppance"

ifthethunderdontgetya September 7, 2011 at 9:51 am

Seems like God doesn't like Rick Perry. And who can blame her?
~

V572 T-Blow September 7, 2011 at 9:51 am

Could we please have a hypocrisy rating for Republican candidates? It could be based on:

(1) their strident demands for federal assistance compared to their assertions that the federal government is impotent and incompetent;
(2) their prescriptions for improving public education vs. number of children who've actually attended public schools;
(3) their hymns of praise to corporations vs number of years getting a government paycheck.

Ruhe September 7, 2011 at 9:52 am

Not as complicated as the passer rating but it's a start.

MOG2410 September 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

All of the above. Plus welcoming the Chinese to take over their state in return for a nice envelope full of $$$$.

ifthethunderdontgetya September 7, 2011 at 9:54 am

(4) Their whining about "Big Government" vs. their love of the government spying on all of us and peeking into our bedrooms.
~

Texan_Bulldog September 7, 2011 at 9:55 am

And dictating what a woman does with her uterus.

V572 T-Blow September 7, 2011 at 11:56 am

C'mon, it's not like it's your property.

charlesdegoal September 7, 2011 at 10:04 am

(5) Their opposition to federal government spending and support of federal government wars

anniegetyerfun September 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

(6) Their praise of Reagan while screaming about the deficit and too much spending.

mayor_quimby September 7, 2011 at 6:27 pm

(5) Their love of cock. (Only applies to males)

ifthethunderdontgetya September 7, 2011 at 9:52 am

Has Eric Cantor weighed in on Perry's bailout requests yet?
~

OneDollarJuana September 7, 2011 at 11:33 am

I'm sure Mr. Cantor is very (small "d") democratic about it. We can support bailouts for Perry's Red State Texas just as long as we offset the bailouts with cuts. And just to be balanced we will cut from Blue State programs.

Chet Kincaid September 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

Would not a permanently burning Texas be an excellent form of border control? Brought to you by Match Light®.

LesBontemps September 7, 2011 at 10:01 am

Now that's a Texas barbecue.

chicken_thief September 7, 2011 at 10:33 am

What kind of sides go with that? Nachos and a Corona with the brownz; cole slaw, tater salad, and a 'Weiser with the whitez?

Chet Kincaid September 7, 2011 at 11:17 am

Just rebuild all of Texas about 15 feet higher. Free heated bathroom floors and BBQ pits for everybody!

OneDollarJuana September 7, 2011 at 11:34 am

Chet and LesBontemps, you have a great idea. Now, where's the nearest cattle ranch? We need some 'cue!

WhatTheHolyHeck September 7, 2011 at 10:39 am

The Weather Channel would have to develop a new icon to represent clouds of delicious, delicious mesquite smoke.

Steverino247 September 7, 2011 at 11:15 am

Burn the dang fence!

gurukalehuru September 7, 2011 at 11:51 am

Only if you added in New Mexico, Arizona and the southernmost tip of California. Come to think of it, it's still a pretty good idea.

HELisforHEL September 7, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Can we pull Austin out, perhaps San Antonio? We could substitute South Carolina for them.

hagajim September 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

Didn't everyone see Barry out in the brush starting the fire? Oh – right, Barry doesn't have enough chutzpah to start a fire…shit he can't do pretty much anything that doesn't involving caving in to the assholes in the GOP.

HELisforHEL September 7, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I sadly had to up-fist this.

donner_froh September 7, 2011 at 9:54 am

“It’s more difficult than it should be,”he said.

Life gets like that sometimes, asshole.

jodyleek September 7, 2011 at 10:08 am

Perry getting bit in the ass by logic, it seems. Government is bad – Let's cut government spending.! Okay, now I need the government – Why are they so slow to help? Could it be because I cut the hell out of the government? Naw, government is bad! Let's cut the government. Now I need the government. Why don't they help me? Wash, rinse, repeat, ad nauseum.

gvvt September 7, 2011 at 10:28 am

“It’s more difficult than it should be [for the Federal government to interfere with God's plans??]” he said.

WHY? WHY, dear Lord, couldn't he have said "It's harder than it should be"? Is it really too much to ask?

chicken_thief September 7, 2011 at 10:35 am

Said Perry as he boarded the plane to head off to the debate…

cuzcorrelation September 7, 2011 at 9:54 am

In Perry's defense, he did ask God first.

DahBoner September 7, 2011 at 11:47 am

What part of 'No' does Perry not understand?

LesBontemps September 7, 2011 at 9:54 am

Where's Eric Cantor to explain why Texas shouldn't get any federal firefighting aid?

DaRooster September 7, 2011 at 10:35 am

Rick Parry would box his ears if he tried…

smitallica September 7, 2011 at 9:55 am

They say a conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
In Texas, a liberal is a conservative who's had God burn his fucking house down after his closeted governor prayed for rain.

natoslug September 7, 2011 at 10:26 am

I don't think mugging would turn me conservative, unless it also involved some serious temporal lobe damage as well.

smitallica September 7, 2011 at 10:40 am

Agreed. I should've clarified that only conservatives say stupid shit like that.

Ruhe September 7, 2011 at 9:55 am

They couldn't get the equipment from Ft. Hood to the fire zone because all the reservists who man the base are in Afghanistan and Iraq. That situation is not ironic since America has utterly killed irony.

HELisforHEL September 7, 2011 at 12:59 pm

A million fists for you

Nothingisamiss September 7, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I thought we killed brown people and poors here.

BerkeleyBear September 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm

That actually happened in Vermont with Irene, too. All the state's Blackhawk helicopters (5) were in Iraq with a 55 person Guard team.

So they had to bring in more from Illinois. Why there weren't any closer to spare I don't know, but I'm guessing Afghanistan had something to do with it.

CapnFatback September 7, 2011 at 9:56 am

Perry is PISSED and demands to speak to the bear in the yellow hat and green pants PRONTO!

jodyleek September 7, 2011 at 10:02 am

Smokey the Bear is God? It all makes sense now!

starfanglednut September 7, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Smokey could bash Perry's head in with a shovel. That might help.

donner_froh September 7, 2011 at 9:57 am

Dear Rick Perry,

Just ask you corporate friends to put out the fires. They will probably get right back to you on that–when they stop laughing.

Signed,

Your biggest fan

LetUsBray September 7, 2011 at 9:57 am

Y'know what, it's time for the prez to take a page from the Boner/Cantor school of political hostage-taking, and tell Perry Texas isn't getting shit to put out their damn fires until he and the legislature:
-Restore the cuts to the forest service
-Release funds for heat relief to the people they were intended to help; and, by the way
-jack taxes on oil millionaires in the state way, way up.

If they don't like it, they can always pray some more. And by "pray", I mean, fuck off.

glamourdammerung September 7, 2011 at 10:05 am

I would be happy if simply they pointed out how much better the state could have handled the issue if they had not hacked up their budget so bad that they have to constantly whine and beg the feds when they are not publicly advocating treason before sending the aid myself.

Texan_Bulldog September 7, 2011 at 9:58 am

Kirsten, it's the Austin American-Statesman. (Not the Texas Statesman).

Rick is just pissed he had to get off the campaign trail for a piddly thing like his state burning to a crisp. Since executing an innocent man or having one of the highest rates of childhood poverty and uninsured folks haven't deterred his campaign one bit.

Thurman Munster IV September 7, 2011 at 10:24 am

Cause there's no such thing as a Texas Statesman

gurukalehuru September 7, 2011 at 11:54 am

Nonsense. Rick is totally relieved at the chance to duck a debate.

Troglodeity September 7, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Especially one where he'd have to give halfway cogent answers for 20 straight minutes.

anniegetyerfun September 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Wait, I thought this was a Republican debate?

silvershoes September 7, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Came here to make the same correction re: the Statesman.

starfanglednut September 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

The highest rate of uninsured people, actually, somewhere close to a mind boggling third of the population. But that's OK, they can go to the ER, courtesy of taxpayers in the blue states, who pay more in taxes than they take in federal monies, unlike the red states. But it's the libs who are spending this country into ruin. Gah.

charlesdegoal September 7, 2011 at 10:00 am

This is completely childish, like telling your parents "I don't need you," and shortly thereafter "please send money." Please grow up guys.

PsycWench September 7, 2011 at 10:02 am

Get out of my life! But could you drive me to the mall first? And could I have an extra $20?

johnnymeatworth September 7, 2011 at 10:12 am

As a point of pride, he will still secede from the country he now wants to run, but only AFTER they pay for fighting the fires because the state agencies whose budgets he cut are struggling to keep up. It makes perfect sense!

proudgrampa September 7, 2011 at 11:48 am

Oh, did that sound like my daughter when she was a teenager! Ouch!

Of course, now I have the satisfaction of knowing that my granddaughter is going to pull the same stunt.

SorosBot September 7, 2011 at 10:00 am

Where's your god now, Perry?

DahBoner September 7, 2011 at 11:45 am

No en casa.

WhatTheHeck September 7, 2011 at 11:49 am

He's a little busy right now, doing all the ground work to part the Rio Grande so Texans can make a run for the border.

BerkeleyBear September 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Laughing her butt off.

superdave September 7, 2011 at 10:02 am

Federal aid? Pshaw! Let the invisible hand of the free market put our your fires. What are you? Some kind of socialist?

Oblios_Cap September 7, 2011 at 12:08 pm

This story is much more heartwarming than Atlas Shrugged!

comrad_darkness September 7, 2011 at 10:03 am

Stamp your feet and refuse to address climate change then bitch and whine that you aren't getting help with the effects of climate change. Right. That should go over well.

Sue4466 September 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

Sick thing is, it will. With the morans who'd vote for this turd. Just like they won't see the incompatibility of saying the federal government should both stay off Texas's lawn and mow it at the same time.

PsycWench September 7, 2011 at 10:04 am

The Feds thought that the secession threat was serious, so they kept their money in their pockets.

MilwaukeeKent September 7, 2011 at 10:04 am

Throw some gasoline on those fires, Rick, you've got lots of that stuff. Then, more budget cuts!

Doktor Zoom September 7, 2011 at 10:21 am

Have they considered lowering taxes on the cloud creators? You can't SPEND your way to less drought, after all.

DahBoner September 7, 2011 at 11:44 am

If life gives you gasoline, then you can make the pie higher…

Goonemeritus September 7, 2011 at 10:04 am

This new breed of Republican act like little children they run around screaming that no one is the boss of them. That is until they fall off their tricycle then they run to their mother and demand that mom makes it all better. Well Governor maybe we don’t want to kiss your scabrous knee this time.

charlesdegoal September 7, 2011 at 10:10 am

Children at an early age are face with the difficult choice between freedom and security. Republicans have not been able to deal with it.

comrad_darkness September 7, 2011 at 11:32 am

THIS.

OneYieldRegular September 7, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Besides, we're busy offsetting this disaster by cutting other disasters.

OneYieldRegular September 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

Not that it would have mattered, what with having an angry and a vengeful god, but did he pray for federal fire-fighting support first?

elviouslyqueer September 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

Whiny dickbag demagogue is whiny.

EatsBabyDingos September 7, 2011 at 10:08 am

Vaya con dios, pendejo!

glamourdammerung September 7, 2011 at 10:09 am

So welfare queen Rick Perry finally figured out that invisible hands are not so good at putting out fires.

not that Dewey September 7, 2011 at 10:40 am

Plus, the medics have no idea where to apply the burn cream.

EatsBabyDingos September 7, 2011 at 10:11 am

Burn, Gallactica, Burn!

Chillwaver September 7, 2011 at 10:12 am

Needs more 30K retards praying inside a stadium with blasting-cold A/C.

El Pinche September 7, 2011 at 10:26 am

WIN.

arihaya September 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

yes,,, because climate change is nowhere to be found in Bible

prommie September 7, 2011 at 10:12 am

"Texas Statesman" is an oxymoron. Rick Perry is a plain old moron.

Terry September 7, 2011 at 10:18 am

There hasn't been a real Texas Statesman since Lloyd Benson and Ann Richards left this moral coil.

BeWoot September 7, 2011 at 10:35 am

Hey! Lloyd Bentsen is a stretch, but Texas has for sure seen worse–especially in this century. But among the statesman dead are Barbara Jordan, Ralph Yarborough and Sam Rayburn.
Lloyd Doggett, still alive, is always a statesman. Gene Green is good. And … well it is a pretty thin crop these days.

SorosBot September 7, 2011 at 11:07 am

And of course LBJ; he'd be remembered as one of our greatest Presidents if it weren't for Vietnam.

LesBontemps September 7, 2011 at 11:29 am

if it weren't for Vietnam

Well, that was a pretty big one. Although our current foreign adventures are making Vietnam look like small potatoes.

Terry September 7, 2011 at 10:17 am

Has Rick Perry talked to the Koch brothers lately about their opinions of FEMA and Federal disaster relief, paid for from taxes, of course.

4TheTurnstiles September 7, 2011 at 10:17 am

This is probably a good time to be Mitt Romney.

arihaya September 7, 2011 at 10:41 am

yes,, because there are no wildfire anywhere near his mansion… good for him

4TheTurnstiles September 7, 2011 at 11:46 am

Right. He's responsible for nothing right now, and consequently, can say whatever bullshit he wants. If you've seen his schtick on jerb creation, you'll know what I mean.

MozakiBlocks September 7, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Um…there is never a good time to be Mitt Romney.

Doktor Zoom September 7, 2011 at 10:19 am

He don't need no Fed'rals
let the motherfucker burn.
Burn, motherfucker, burn.

EatsBabyDingos September 7, 2011 at 10:37 am

needz moar "Hee Haws" somewhere…

not that Dewey September 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

Watch out — you might get what you're after.

dancesw_cougars September 7, 2011 at 10:20 am

We cooks Texas till it's nice and toasty brown. Then we eats it. Oh yes we will, my precious!

x111e7thst September 7, 2011 at 10:21 am

Have you no Second Amendment Remedies to propose little Rikkki? Don't retreat from those fires, reload!

Sue4466 September 7, 2011 at 10:21 am

Don't worry Texas, all this whining about the feds not pulling your asses out of the fire (literally in this case) is just all part of Perry's stated "promise to make Washington inconsequential in your lives."

Fucking hypocrite.

EatsBabyDingos September 7, 2011 at 10:22 am

A just and merciful God would lay waste to a failed experiment like Texas with fires, floods, tornadoes and Messicans.

Oh, wait. God works like a good bar-be-que: it just takes time.

Ducksworthy September 7, 2011 at 10:22 am

And Gawd said "We had to destroy Tejass to save it – from itself"

PsycWench September 7, 2011 at 10:22 am

I await some cognitive dissonance from the Tea Party regarding Rick Perry's use of taxpayer money. Isn't there a private firefighting company that could put out the fires for an excessive sum of money after a little extortion?

imissopus September 7, 2011 at 11:00 am

In Cali, at least, the insurance companies do have private firefighters who will try to save your house. But not the house next door, if it's insured through another company, because what are we, Communists?

starfanglednut September 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Nah, the idea is that brave, patriotic citizens will put them out with quaint bucket chains from quaint little artesian wells.

at least, I think that's what they believe, but the agin I am constantly baffled by their thought processes.

Thurman Munster IV September 7, 2011 at 10:25 am

looks like the invisible hand of the free market is giving the Guv a wanking motion

El Pinche September 7, 2011 at 10:25 am

He's only bitching because he cut 75% of his own fire-fighting budget . That explains why we've only seen one or two planes dropping water. Someone forgot to tell ole Rick it costs money to maintain them.

DaRooster September 7, 2011 at 12:14 pm

But it is money well spent… on tax breaks for the richers.

GlowneyHouse September 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

See what happens when you don't have a President that cuts back the brush in Texas every four months?

anniegetyerfun September 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

OMG, did he stop doing that? I assumed he would be on the job full-time now.

phlox✔ September 7, 2011 at 3:28 pm

No cameras at Crawford these days so no reason to clear the brush.
He has 'people' for that now.

comrad_darkness September 7, 2011 at 6:50 pm

He doesn't even have a Ranch anymore. He ditched that stupid prop two hours after he didn't need it.

DonnyKerabotsos September 7, 2011 at 10:28 am

If things in Tex-ass are so damned desperate perhaps pRick should 'suspend' his campaign like Maverick crank John McCain did and head home to deal with it directly.

They say you can fight fire with fire; maybe hot air will work.

EatsBabyDingos September 7, 2011 at 10:28 am

Teacher Barbie says "Math is hard!"

Governor Ken says "Guhbnin' is hard!"

Boehneriffic September 7, 2011 at 10:28 am

Maybe George W. could help you put out those fires. He seemed to maintain a pretty strong stream while pissing all over the Constitution for eight years.

DaRooster September 7, 2011 at 10:40 am

I'm sure he could help "clear brush".

DahBoner September 7, 2011 at 11:39 am

Betcha Laura Bush could use some hep clearin' brush…

natoslug September 7, 2011 at 10:29 am

I'm still hoping for a sign from god — a burning Bush, preferably. Or has he left Texas?

DahBoner September 7, 2011 at 11:38 am

I'll believe in any god that can set a Bush on fire…

jus_wonderin September 7, 2011 at 10:34 am

"Hello. Yes, Mr. Perry, let me see if he can take your call. Can I put you on hold? [Harp music plays 'Stairway to Heaven']. God? Perry is on the line again."

"Oh fuckin' ME!!! Does that whining cunt realize how busy I am? Tell him…aw fuck, I don't care what you tell him. I'm not in right now. Tell him anything, just keep him from fuckin' bothering me, okay?"

"Mr. Perry, thank you for holding. God is away from his desk at the moment. If you would like to leave a message I could pass it to him when he returns."

valgal2342 September 7, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Press one for English as we all know God speaks Latin.

Weenus299 September 7, 2011 at 10:34 am

Maybe he shouldn't have cut the Fucking Texas Fucking Forest Service by $34 Fucking million. That would've paid for a few dozen bulldozer blades, I would think.

johnnyzhivago September 7, 2011 at 10:37 am

At least that new border wall they built will save Mexico.

grizzlyalbert September 7, 2011 at 10:37 am

Here’s something that those good Texas christians can relate to:
“As you sow, so shall you reap.”

In other words: Nanna nanna boo boo, you get what you deserve. Suck it up.

DaRooster September 7, 2011 at 10:39 am

“It’s more difficult than it should be,”he said. “When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.”

Yep Ricky… tell it to the folks in… hell pretty much all over these days. You and your kind need to SHUT THE FUCK UP… and quit ruining my country. Cutting Federal Programs and aid is not a good idea… PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES YOU CONSERVATIVE ASSHOLES!

natoslug September 7, 2011 at 11:08 am

Taxes are for little people. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, HERVE VILLECHAIZE!!!1!

GunToting[Redacted] September 7, 2011 at 12:09 pm

That would be the Death Tax, then.

arihaya September 7, 2011 at 10:40 am

now, we should wait until next hurricane strike Louisiana and see the reaction of Giovernor Bobby "Volcano" Jindal about federal disaster aids

chicken_thief September 7, 2011 at 10:41 am

His hair still looks good so how big of a "crisis" could this be?!

friendlyskies September 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

Where are the Koch Brothers and corporations when you need them? Oh right, increasing profits for their shareholders and building a police state just in case the poors ever break through the programming and fight back. Poor Rick Perry, he sucked all that dirty dick because they promised him the Presidency, and instead he's stuck with a tragically transparent example of corporate fascism on the wild prairie.

Rolenthegreat September 7, 2011 at 10:44 am

Doesn't he remember that when natural disasters strike it is because god hate America? It's probably because of that gay cowboy movie… or they have to many illegal immigrants down there.

Guppy06 September 7, 2011 at 10:46 am

Give him Cantor's phone number.

And then warrantlessly wiretap that puppy and post the results on YouTube. Schadenfreude, baby! Can you feel it!?

DemonicRage September 7, 2011 at 10:48 am

Fight fire the Iowa State Fair way: Lay out some bales of hay. Have firefighters put one boot up on the hay bale. Thrust out pelvis. Unzip trouser zipper. Take out massive Texas size flesh fire hoses and pee the fire away.

prommie September 7, 2011 at 10:53 am

“When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.” I believe this gentleman is trying to say "from each according to their ability, to each, according to their need." Fucking communist.

LesBontemps September 7, 2011 at 11:11 am

He's clearly willing to seize the property of others for the so-called collective good, on the pretense of "people hurting." The rotting corpse of Ayn Rand should rise up to strangle that Bolshevik in the night.

prommie September 7, 2011 at 11:22 am

Poverty, starvation, these things cause pain, put lives in danger; where does it stop? Next Rick will be taking my hard-earned money to give to the lazy shiftless blacks and illegal wetbacks, he's a regular Karl Marx, this Rick Perry, why, Vladimir Ilyich Lennin would be proud of him.

BlueStateLibel September 7, 2011 at 10:55 am

Karma really can make you look like a damn fool, can't she? One moment you're all uppitty like Rick Perry, threatening to succede, the next you're on your knees begging for help from the African-American in the White House.

SorosBot September 7, 2011 at 11:00 am

So are you saying that instant karma went and got Rick; went and smacked him right in the face?

prommie September 7, 2011 at 11:01 am

If the democrats played as nasty as the republicans, Obama would make a speach saying that because of the deficit crisis, there is no way we can possibly fund any expenditures for firefighting or disaster relief without tax increases on corporations and the wealthy. We wouldn't want Bernanke to go and commit treason by just printing more money, after all.

proudgrampa September 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Wow. You just pretty much summed it up.

sunmusing September 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Why can't dems play like that? Is it the results of Public Schooling? Ya know, like, ahhhh, learning to play nicely with others? I had to deal with "Tommy" the bully when I was in third grade, I finally got pissed off when he threw me through a bush, I got up and pounded the shit out of him. I don't know what took me so long to figure it out. I hope Obammer drops the hammer soon, I'm getting tired of reliving third grade nightmares.

Poindexter718 September 7, 2011 at 11:03 am

Still looking for a budget offset, Ricky. We heard there's a war widow in Waco who may have some food stamps we can confiscate to cover the bulldozer fuel.
We'll get back to you soonest…

Redhead September 7, 2011 at 11:03 am

“It’s more difficult than it should be,”he said. “When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.”

SOCIALISTSOCIALISTSOCIALISTSOCIALISTSOCIALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What if I don't WANT my tractors and water and hoses going to fight your fires because I think you're an asshole? Huh? You're just gonna say that it doesn't matter because no one owns them and use them anyway? SOCIALIST!!

SorosBot September 7, 2011 at 11:16 am

Funny that he cares about lives in danger now; he never cared about people in danger of execution for crimes for which they were innocent.

SorosBot September 7, 2011 at 11:04 am

Maybe Texas can use Free Market-based firefighting, as pioneered by Marcus Crassus:

"The rest of Crassus' wealth was acquired more conventionally, through traffic in slaves, the working of silver mines, and judicious purchases of land and houses, especially those of proscribed citizens. Most notorious was his acquisition of burning houses: when Crassus received word that a house was on fire, he would arrive and purchase the doomed property along with surrounding buildings for a modest sum, and then employ his army of 500 clients to put the fire out before much damage had been done. Crassus' clients employed the Roman method of firefighting—destroying the burning building to curtail the spread of the flames."

MOG2410 September 7, 2011 at 11:12 am

I miss the Romans.

prommie September 7, 2011 at 11:23 am

Ah, Seutonius was just a slandering gossip-monger.

Fred_Wertham_Jr September 7, 2011 at 11:35 am

Thank you, SorosBot. I wasn't getting very far using "roman", "fire", and "dickhead" as my Google search terms.

fuflans September 7, 2011 at 8:11 pm

beautiful.

imissopus September 7, 2011 at 11:05 am

I think God heard Rick Perry praying, turned to Cameron Todd Willingham, and said "Fuck this guy, let's have another beer."

DashboardBuddha September 7, 2011 at 11:07 am

This is just a vision of the US if this assclown wins the presidency. Braying frat boys flipping matches into dry grass.

BarackMyWorld September 7, 2011 at 11:08 am

WHY DOES RICK PERRY HATE AMERICA???

EatsBabyDingos September 7, 2011 at 11:12 am

What do King Missle, John Wayne Bobbitt, and Gov Ricky have in common?

One is known for its Detachable Penis, one has his penis detached, and one is a detached penis.

prommie September 7, 2011 at 11:19 am

I thought that was the Dead Milkmen. Ya learn something every day.

LesBontemps September 7, 2011 at 11:32 am

Dead Milkmen = Bitchin Camaro.

EatsBabyDingos September 7, 2011 at 11:41 am

And the always favorite, Punk Rock Girl.

prommie September 7, 2011 at 12:21 pm

If you don't have Mojo Nixon then your store can use some fixin'

EatsBabyDingos September 7, 2011 at 12:33 pm

And the song needs some fixin' when it mentions a Beach Boys song, California Dreaming, which of course was the Mamas and the Papas.

I dress like Minnie Pearl every day.

HELisforHEL September 7, 2011 at 1:14 pm

So Perry is singing 'Where the Hell's My Money?" …but unlike Mojo's, the money he be wantin' ain't his.

KeepFnThatChicken September 7, 2011 at 11:15 am

I'm sorry, Mr. Perry. Your answer was correct, but it must come in the form of a prayer.

Chet Kincaid September 7, 2011 at 11:21 am

Texas is a gigantic, burning Lake Of Fire. What say you now, Perry Anti-Christ Deniers?!

prommie September 7, 2011 at 11:23 am

Douchebagsayswhat?

comrad_darkness September 7, 2011 at 11:28 am

Fort Hood spokesman Col. Ben Danner said, "Sorry, it appears your paperwork requesting assistance got mixed up with the articles of secession you sent in earlier."

philpjfry September 7, 2011 at 11:29 am

Karma is a bitch motherfucker

Chet Kincaid September 7, 2011 at 11:34 am

OT: Fuck Texas and its suffering!! Today is the day for endlessly replaying the new Coupon Suzy TV spot and fantasizing about transference!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB7TFXwHv2c

prommie September 7, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I'd hit that!

DahBoner September 7, 2011 at 11:35 am

Basically, Rick Perry just admitted that the Federal Government is more effective at putting out the fires than his Prayer Gawd…

ttommyunger September 7, 2011 at 11:53 am

Prays his ass off and gets set on fire…..Kind of makes you wonder who Perry is praying to. To further rub salt in his ass, neighboring State gets fucking flooded. I think Little Ricky needs to shut the fuck up about prayer.

proudgrampa September 7, 2011 at 12:03 pm

It's definitely NOT working…

ttommyunger September 7, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Works for me Gramps. No love lost for Texas or Texans here. I'm ashamed of myself for it, but can't seem to change about this.

FakaktaSouth September 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Republicanism isn't a policy making apparatus, it is a "gut feeling" and all about shortsighted "that don't sound right" bullshit soundbites that make they "feewings get all twisty" and appeals to the "who's fucking me now" overgrown parts of their brains. Its EASY to jump up and down and demand your freedoms from government (when you really don't even know what government is or what it does) HARD to watch your house burn down cause you didn't wanna be a part of a civil society that solves problems as a nation. Oh, and fuck em, they suck for making my life harder.

HELisforHEL September 7, 2011 at 1:16 pm

True that.

prommie September 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

You can still feel! How I envy you.

joobajooba September 7, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Oh yeah, most of the fires are on state and private land, too.

gurukalehuru September 7, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Texas toast.

HedonismBot September 7, 2011 at 12:04 pm

"The Obama administration, which has already approved seven federal grants for the disaster, did not say, “you are a horrible whiny biyotch, Rick Perry,” for some reason."
I hope to hear Barry say these words at least once a day, every day, between now and the 2012 election.

joobajooba September 7, 2011 at 12:04 pm

It happened in Tennessee too: They Didn't Pay The Fee: Firefighters Watch Tennessee Family's House Burn
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2010/10/08/13

GuyClinch September 7, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Speaking of Perry: Eventually politicians will learn to avoid corndogs, but for now we can enjoy this extraordinary picture: http://current.com/entertainment/comedy/93410878_

prommie September 7, 2011 at 12:25 pm

If real, this is the greatest photograph ever taken, ever, by anyone, in the history of the universe

GuyClinch September 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Sadly, almost certainly not real, but nevertheless a splendid basis for future Blingees.

Chet Kincaid September 7, 2011 at 12:35 pm

In a statement, Michele Bachmann noted that her hair has been on fire for 20 years, yet the federal government has done nothing.

valgal2342 September 7, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Prays for rain, gets wildfires. Now he wants federal money? Well now, what cuts will Cantor insist he make for that favor?

owhatever September 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I want to hear Rick Perry at the debate talk about this massive flip-flop on his principles of small government and non-intervention. Maybe he could call Eric Cantor an asshole, too.

You want bulldozers? How about going to the nearest Caterpillar store and having the state buy a few instead of mumbling about the army being slow? Oh, that's right, you cut the fucking firefighting budget, you fucking moron.

starfanglednut September 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm

why can't he just shoot the fire with his gun?

fuflans September 7, 2011 at 8:13 pm

coming hours late to this game: you people don't disappoint.

even a reference to Marcus Crassus…

Terry September 7, 2011 at 10:16 am

A flood, fire, hurricane, or the largest employer in the State.

V572 T-Blow September 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

If you abandon them whenever they're inconvenient, they aren't really "principles" at all. E.g. George Bush's love for capitalism, except when his buddies the bankers are in trouble.

Tundra Grifter September 7, 2011 at 11:15 am

OWW: Just like they rant about the unemployment rate under President Obama. The private sector is producing new jobs. State and local governments are cutting employees. The right wing nutz hate big government – but they want to keep all those folks on the payroll.

HELisforHEL September 7, 2011 at 12:40 pm

OH NO THAT WERE OBAMMERS FAULT NOT W. HE S A AMURICAN HEROE!!1!!1!

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