Rick Perry Remembers He Hadn’t Yet Blamed Feds For Texas Wildfires

READY AIM FIRE. No, wait.Texas, Texas, burning down, where o where can the federal government be found? Rick “just secede already” Perry is all bent out of shape because, God, these idiots, the feds are too busy with their red tape to help Rick Perry do war on the enormous wildfires trying to swallow the entire state back into the earth. Perry requested federal assistance and giant fire-killing drones from Fort Hood that have yet to arrive, although we are not sure when he asked for it because he didn’t say, maybe a few hours ago? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT. Stupid government red war tape! Keep that middle finger raised high, Rick Perry. God and the Texas state legislature that is busy cutting the firefighters’ budget by $34 million in the midst of the crisis, they will still get their high-fives.

From the Austin-American Statesman:

Three days after fires started to burn in Central Texas, Gov. Rick Perry today expressed frustration that federal firefighting support, including equipment from Fort Hood, has yet to make its way to the firefighters.

Perry said the firefighters could use heavy equipment such as bulldozers to clear fire breaks.

“It’s more difficult than it should be,”he said. “When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.”

The Obama administration, which has already approved seven federal grants for the disaster, did not say, “you are a horrible whiny biyotch, Rick Perry,” for some reason. [Austin-American Statesman]

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    1. johnnymeatworth

      Accessing Charlie's, the gay bar a few blocks from the Governor's mansion, through the secret tunnel he had built….

    2. Not_So_Much

      Obliterating dangerous-looking (see: brown) ground squirrels with his hand-cannon (that is totally not compensating for a small wang, you guys!).

  1. SorosBot

    Sorry, but federal disaster assistance is unconstitutional under the Randroid alternative universe Constitution Rick Perry believes we have.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      You're forgetting the secret "But Rick Perry's in trouble" clause in Article IV, Section 9 — Texas exceptionalism!

  2. V572 T-Blow

    Could we please have a hypocrisy rating for Republican candidates? It could be based on:

    (1) their strident demands for federal assistance compared to their assertions that the federal government is impotent and incompetent;
    (2) their prescriptions for improving public education vs. number of children who've actually attended public schools;
    (3) their hymns of praise to corporations vs number of years getting a government paycheck.

    1. MOG2410

      All of the above. Plus welcoming the Chinese to take over their state in return for a nice envelope full of $$$$.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I'm sure Mr. Cantor is very (small "d") democratic about it. We can support bailouts for Perry's Red State Texas just as long as we offset the bailouts with cuts. And just to be balanced we will cut from Blue State programs.

      1. chicken_thief

        What kind of sides go with that? Nachos and a Corona with the brownz; cole slaw, tater salad, and a 'Weiser with the whitez?

      2. OneDollarJuana

        Chet and LesBontemps, you have a great idea. Now, where's the nearest cattle ranch? We need some 'cue!

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      The Weather Channel would have to develop a new icon to represent clouds of delicious, delicious mesquite smoke.

  3. hagajim

    Didn't everyone see Barry out in the brush starting the fire? Oh – right, Barry doesn't have enough chutzpah to start a fire…shit he can't do pretty much anything that doesn't involving caving in to the assholes in the GOP.

    1. jodyleek

      Perry getting bit in the ass by logic, it seems. Government is bad – Let's cut government spending.! Okay, now I need the government – Why are they so slow to help? Could it be because I cut the hell out of the government? Naw, government is bad! Let's cut the government. Now I need the government. Why don't they help me? Wash, rinse, repeat, ad nauseum.

    2. gvvt

      “It’s more difficult than it should be [for the Federal government to interfere with God's plans??]” he said.

      WHY? WHY, dear Lord, couldn't he have said "It's harder than it should be"? Is it really too much to ask?

  4. smitallica

    They say a conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
    In Texas, a liberal is a conservative who's had God burn his fucking house down after his closeted governor prayed for rain.

  5. Ruhe

    They couldn't get the equipment from Ft. Hood to the fire zone because all the reservists who man the base are in Afghanistan and Iraq. That situation is not ironic since America has utterly killed irony.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      That actually happened in Vermont with Irene, too. All the state's Blackhawk helicopters (5) were in Iraq with a 55 person Guard team.

      So they had to bring in more from Illinois. Why there weren't any closer to spare I don't know, but I'm guessing Afghanistan had something to do with it.

  6. donner_froh

    Dear Rick Perry,

    Just ask you corporate friends to put out the fires. They will probably get right back to you on that–when they stop laughing.


    Your biggest fan

  7. LetUsBray

    Y'know what, it's time for the prez to take a page from the Boner/Cantor school of political hostage-taking, and tell Perry Texas isn't getting shit to put out their damn fires until he and the legislature:
    -Restore the cuts to the forest service
    -Release funds for heat relief to the people they were intended to help; and, by the way
    -jack taxes on oil millionaires in the state way, way up.

    If they don't like it, they can always pray some more. And by "pray", I mean, fuck off.

    1. glamourdammerung

      I would be happy if simply they pointed out how much better the state could have handled the issue if they had not hacked up their budget so bad that they have to constantly whine and beg the feds when they are not publicly advocating treason before sending the aid myself.

  8. Texan_Bulldog

    Kirsten, it's the Austin American-Statesman. (Not the Texas Statesman).

    Rick is just pissed he had to get off the campaign trail for a piddly thing like his state burning to a crisp. Since executing an innocent man or having one of the highest rates of childhood poverty and uninsured folks haven't deterred his campaign one bit.

    1. starfanglednut

      The highest rate of uninsured people, actually, somewhere close to a mind boggling third of the population. But that's OK, they can go to the ER, courtesy of taxpayers in the blue states, who pay more in taxes than they take in federal monies, unlike the red states. But it's the libs who are spending this country into ruin. Gah.

  9. charlesdegoal

    This is completely childish, like telling your parents "I don't need you," and shortly thereafter "please send money." Please grow up guys.

      1. johnnymeatworth

        As a point of pride, he will still secede from the country he now wants to run, but only AFTER they pay for fighting the fires because the state agencies whose budgets he cut are struggling to keep up. It makes perfect sense!

      2. proudgrampa

        Oh, did that sound like my daughter when she was a teenager! Ouch!

        Of course, now I have the satisfaction of knowing that my granddaughter is going to pull the same stunt.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      He's a little busy right now, doing all the ground work to part the Rio Grande so Texans can make a run for the border.

  10. superdave

    Federal aid? Pshaw! Let the invisible hand of the free market put our your fires. What are you? Some kind of socialist?

  11. comrad_darkness

    Stamp your feet and refuse to address climate change then bitch and whine that you aren't getting help with the effects of climate change. Right. That should go over well.

    1. Sue4466

      Sick thing is, it will. With the morans who'd vote for this turd. Just like they won't see the incompatibility of saying the federal government should both stay off Texas's lawn and mow it at the same time.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Have they considered lowering taxes on the cloud creators? You can't SPEND your way to less drought, after all.

  12. Goonemeritus

    This new breed of Republican act like little children they run around screaming that no one is the boss of them. That is until they fall off their tricycle then they run to their mother and demand that mom makes it all better. Well Governor maybe we don’t want to kiss your scabrous knee this time.

    1. charlesdegoal

      Children at an early age are face with the difficult choice between freedom and security. Republicans have not been able to deal with it.

  13. OneYieldRegular

    Not that it would have mattered, what with having an angry and a vengeful god, but did he pray for federal fire-fighting support first?

  14. glamourdammerung

    So welfare queen Rick Perry finally figured out that invisible hands are not so good at putting out fires.

      1. BeWoot

        Hey! Lloyd Bentsen is a stretch, but Texas has for sure seen worse–especially in this century. But among the statesman dead are Barbara Jordan, Ralph Yarborough and Sam Rayburn.
        Lloyd Doggett, still alive, is always a statesman. Gene Green is good. And … well it is a pretty thin crop these days.

          1. LesBontemps

            if it weren't for Vietnam

            Well, that was a pretty big one. Although our current foreign adventures are making Vietnam look like small potatoes.

  15. Terry

    Has Rick Perry talked to the Koch brothers lately about their opinions of FEMA and Federal disaster relief, paid for from taxes, of course.

      1. 4TheTurnstiles

        Right. He's responsible for nothing right now, and consequently, can say whatever bullshit he wants. If you've seen his schtick on jerb creation, you'll know what I mean.

  16. x111e7thst

    Have you no Second Amendment Remedies to propose little Rikkki? Don't retreat from those fires, reload!

  17. Sue4466

    Don't worry Texas, all this whining about the feds not pulling your asses out of the fire (literally in this case) is just all part of Perry's stated "promise to make Washington inconsequential in your lives."

    Fucking hypocrite.

  18. EatsBabyDingos

    A just and merciful God would lay waste to a failed experiment like Texas with fires, floods, tornadoes and Messicans.

    Oh, wait. God works like a good bar-be-que: it just takes time.

  19. PsycWench

    I await some cognitive dissonance from the Tea Party regarding Rick Perry's use of taxpayer money. Isn't there a private firefighting company that could put out the fires for an excessive sum of money after a little extortion?

    1. imissopus

      In Cali, at least, the insurance companies do have private firefighters who will try to save your house. But not the house next door, if it's insured through another company, because what are we, Communists?

    2. starfanglednut

      Nah, the idea is that brave, patriotic citizens will put them out with quaint bucket chains from quaint little artesian wells.

      at least, I think that's what they believe, but the agin I am constantly baffled by their thought processes.

  20. El Pinche

    He's only bitching because he cut 75% of his own fire-fighting budget . That explains why we've only seen one or two planes dropping water. Someone forgot to tell ole Rick it costs money to maintain them.

  21. GlowneyHouse

    See what happens when you don't have a President that cuts back the brush in Texas every four months?

        1. comrad_darkness

          He doesn't even have a Ranch anymore. He ditched that stupid prop two hours after he didn't need it.

  22. DonnyKerabotsos

    If things in Tex-ass are so damned desperate perhaps pRick should 'suspend' his campaign like Maverick crank John McCain did and head home to deal with it directly.

    They say you can fight fire with fire; maybe hot air will work.

  23. Boehneriffic

    Maybe George W. could help you put out those fires. He seemed to maintain a pretty strong stream while pissing all over the Constitution for eight years.

  24. jus_wonderin

    "Hello. Yes, Mr. Perry, let me see if he can take your call. Can I put you on hold? [Harp music plays 'Stairway to Heaven']. God? Perry is on the line again."

    "Oh fuckin' ME!!! Does that whining cunt realize how busy I am? Tell him…aw fuck, I don't care what you tell him. I'm not in right now. Tell him anything, just keep him from fuckin' bothering me, okay?"

    "Mr. Perry, thank you for holding. God is away from his desk at the moment. If you would like to leave a message I could pass it to him when he returns."

  25. Weenus299

    Maybe he shouldn't have cut the Fucking Texas Fucking Forest Service by $34 Fucking million. That would've paid for a few dozen bulldozer blades, I would think.

  26. grizzlyalbert

    Here’s something that those good Texas christians can relate to:
    “As you sow, so shall you reap.”

    In other words: Nanna nanna boo boo, you get what you deserve. Suck it up.

  27. DaRooster

    “It’s more difficult than it should be,”he said. “When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.”

    Yep Ricky… tell it to the folks in… hell pretty much all over these days. You and your kind need to SHUT THE FUCK UP… and quit ruining my country. Cutting Federal Programs and aid is not a good idea… PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES YOU CONSERVATIVE ASSHOLES!

  28. arihaya

    now, we should wait until next hurricane strike Louisiana and see the reaction of Giovernor Bobby "Volcano" Jindal about federal disaster aids

  29. friendlyskies

    Where are the Koch Brothers and corporations when you need them? Oh right, increasing profits for their shareholders and building a police state just in case the poors ever break through the programming and fight back. Poor Rick Perry, he sucked all that dirty dick because they promised him the Presidency, and instead he's stuck with a tragically transparent example of corporate fascism on the wild prairie.

  30. Rolenthegreat

    Doesn't he remember that when natural disasters strike it is because god hate America? It's probably because of that gay cowboy movie… or they have to many illegal immigrants down there.

  31. Guppy06

    Give him Cantor's phone number.

    And then warrantlessly wiretap that puppy and post the results on YouTube. Schadenfreude, baby! Can you feel it!?

  32. DemonicRage

    Fight fire the Iowa State Fair way: Lay out some bales of hay. Have firefighters put one boot up on the hay bale. Thrust out pelvis. Unzip trouser zipper. Take out massive Texas size flesh fire hoses and pee the fire away.

  33. prommie

    “When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.” I believe this gentleman is trying to say "from each according to their ability, to each, according to their need." Fucking communist.

    1. LesBontemps

      He's clearly willing to seize the property of others for the so-called collective good, on the pretense of "people hurting." The rotting corpse of Ayn Rand should rise up to strangle that Bolshevik in the night.

      1. prommie

        Poverty, starvation, these things cause pain, put lives in danger; where does it stop? Next Rick will be taking my hard-earned money to give to the lazy shiftless blacks and illegal wetbacks, he's a regular Karl Marx, this Rick Perry, why, Vladimir Ilyich Lennin would be proud of him.

  34. BlueStateLibel

    Karma really can make you look like a damn fool, can't she? One moment you're all uppitty like Rick Perry, threatening to succede, the next you're on your knees begging for help from the African-American in the White House.

  35. prommie

    If the democrats played as nasty as the republicans, Obama would make a speach saying that because of the deficit crisis, there is no way we can possibly fund any expenditures for firefighting or disaster relief without tax increases on corporations and the wealthy. We wouldn't want Bernanke to go and commit treason by just printing more money, after all.

    1. sunmusing

      Why can't dems play like that? Is it the results of Public Schooling? Ya know, like, ahhhh, learning to play nicely with others? I had to deal with "Tommy" the bully when I was in third grade, I finally got pissed off when he threw me through a bush, I got up and pounded the shit out of him. I don't know what took me so long to figure it out. I hope Obammer drops the hammer soon, I'm getting tired of reliving third grade nightmares.

  36. Poindexter718

    Still looking for a budget offset, Ricky. We heard there's a war widow in Waco who may have some food stamps we can confiscate to cover the bulldozer fuel.
    We'll get back to you soonest…

  37. Redhead

    “It’s more difficult than it should be,”he said. “When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.”

    SOCIALISTSOCIALISTSOCIALISTSOCIALISTSOCIALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What if I don't WANT my tractors and water and hoses going to fight your fires because I think you're an asshole? Huh? You're just gonna say that it doesn't matter because no one owns them and use them anyway? SOCIALIST!!

    1. SorosBot

      Funny that he cares about lives in danger now; he never cared about people in danger of execution for crimes for which they were innocent.

  38. SorosBot

    Maybe Texas can use Free Market-based firefighting, as pioneered by Marcus Crassus:

    "The rest of Crassus' wealth was acquired more conventionally, through traffic in slaves, the working of silver mines, and judicious purchases of land and houses, especially those of proscribed citizens. Most notorious was his acquisition of burning houses: when Crassus received word that a house was on fire, he would arrive and purchase the doomed property along with surrounding buildings for a modest sum, and then employ his army of 500 clients to put the fire out before much damage had been done. Crassus' clients employed the Roman method of firefighting—destroying the burning building to curtail the spread of the flames."

  39. DashboardBuddha

    This is just a vision of the US if this assclown wins the presidency. Braying frat boys flipping matches into dry grass.

  40. EatsBabyDingos

    What do King Missle, John Wayne Bobbitt, and Gov Ricky have in common?

    One is known for its Detachable Penis, one has his penis detached, and one is a detached penis.

          1. EatsBabyDingos

            And the song needs some fixin' when it mentions a Beach Boys song, California Dreaming, which of course was the Mamas and the Papas.

            I dress like Minnie Pearl every day.

          2. HELisforHEL

            So Perry is singing 'Where the Hell's My Money?" …but unlike Mojo's, the money he be wantin' ain't his.

  41. comrad_darkness

    Fort Hood spokesman Col. Ben Danner said, "Sorry, it appears your paperwork requesting assistance got mixed up with the articles of secession you sent in earlier."

  42. DahBoner

    Basically, Rick Perry just admitted that the Federal Government is more effective at putting out the fires than his Prayer Gawd…

  43. ttommyunger

    Prays his ass off and gets set on fire…..Kind of makes you wonder who Perry is praying to. To further rub salt in his ass, neighboring State gets fucking flooded. I think Little Ricky needs to shut the fuck up about prayer.

      1. ttommyunger

        Works for me Gramps. No love lost for Texas or Texans here. I'm ashamed of myself for it, but can't seem to change about this.

  44. FakaktaSouth

    Republicanism isn't a policy making apparatus, it is a "gut feeling" and all about shortsighted "that don't sound right" bullshit soundbites that make they "feewings get all twisty" and appeals to the "who's fucking me now" overgrown parts of their brains. Its EASY to jump up and down and demand your freedoms from government (when you really don't even know what government is or what it does) HARD to watch your house burn down cause you didn't wanna be a part of a civil society that solves problems as a nation. Oh, and fuck em, they suck for making my life harder.

  45. HedonismBot

    "The Obama administration, which has already approved seven federal grants for the disaster, did not say, “you are a horrible whiny biyotch, Rick Perry,” for some reason."
    I hope to hear Barry say these words at least once a day, every day, between now and the 2012 election.

  46. valgal2342

    Prays for rain, gets wildfires. Now he wants federal money? Well now, what cuts will Cantor insist he make for that favor?

  47. owhatever

    I want to hear Rick Perry at the debate talk about this massive flip-flop on his principles of small government and non-intervention. Maybe he could call Eric Cantor an asshole, too.

    You want bulldozers? How about going to the nearest Caterpillar store and having the state buy a few instead of mumbling about the army being slow? Oh, that's right, you cut the fucking firefighting budget, you fucking moron.

  48. V572 T-Blow

    If you abandon them whenever they're inconvenient, they aren't really "principles" at all. E.g. George Bush's love for capitalism, except when his buddies the bankers are in trouble.

  49. Tundra Grifter

    OWW: Just like they rant about the unemployment rate under President Obama. The private sector is producing new jobs. State and local governments are cutting employees. The right wing nutz hate big government – but they want to keep all those folks on the payroll.

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