Monstrous trash-cable crime-porn death-beast Nancy Grace is joining the noxious reality-celeb ritual gyration glitter program Dancing With the Stars. This is Living Proof that Satan is real and amongst us, today. Americans watch THIRTY-SIX HOURS OF TEEVEE per week, every week, on their slow Rascal-assisted journey to the Medicare Crematorium, so it’s very likely that almost every American will at least see a “promo” for this wretched shit circus. Would you like to see a large, horrifying press photograph of Nancy Grace on Dancing With the Stars? We guarantee it will almost make you forget the painful image of a tiny Hollywood dancer man struggling to hoist Teen Mom star Bristol Palin closer to the klieg lights, so that she might burn like some slob Icarus in the global warming Midnight Sun of trailer park apocalypse.
Anyway, here you go! Enjoy the night terrors during your last months on Earth:
The real problem, of course, is that some jobless illiterate teens will see a transsexual on this same show (and how would anyone tell?) and then the jobless illiterate teens will become transsexuals, too. And this will matter in some important way, because it will be immense diabetic transsexuals crashing Hoverounds outside the SONIC drive-thru instead of the “reg’lr kind.” [Via Cajun Boy]
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Kill it!!! Kill it with fire!!!
I wouldn't get any open flames any where near that….
Can't we just use ten-foot poles with sharp stickers on the ends?
Never mind the fire … the moment she's spotted in Texas from an airplane, she's done for.
Er … pour quois?
She'll be chased across the fields by "pork choppers" — and I can't see her getting far in those heels.
Holy gee, Biely, that's downright cruel. I love it.
Feral hogs, my dear. Feral hogs.
Thank you, Dexter. She certainly looks the part.
Zaftig.
Except, it's to the nth power.
BANG… and now I'm gay.
Fuckin A…
Meetings are on Tuesdays at the Backdoor Inn. Clothing optional.
Right? My junk is so far up inside my chest cavity that I'm having trouble breathing…
oh see I just thought it was a dude in a dress, so problems there. I mean shit, she looks like a linebacker with implants, amirite?
Alex Karras, but with more facial and back hair.
Me too. But then I looked at Kortney (again!) and I am cured.
Oh sure, just because you have a TG person on the show, now you have to let tranny hookers on, too?
I just gave up the whole "bisexual" end of the LGBTQ spectrum.
I will bet $1,000,000,000 that those cankles were photoshopped out.
Whoops, I should read *all* the posts before I tromp all over one.
But seriously, wouldn't they be less elephantine if they did?
Just imagine what they looked like to start with, if this is what they stopped at?
It's Photoshop, not the Hands of God.
Fair point. Probably only Leatherface could take them down any further — and I honestly don't like his chances against her.
Although it almost looks like they took all of the flesh that had been Photoshopped off of the assorted actresses, tween singers and adolescent models, and glued it randomly to her body. Like it might be Buffalo Bill's Chunky Girlsuit.
Well, you know, she *could* use the exercise.
I pity her partner.
The only image I want to see of Nancy Grace has a caption which reads:"Exploiter of other peoples misery found dead at Caribbean bondage club."
ROTFLMAO!
Yeah, instead of a coat check room, it looks like Dancing With The Stars needs a junk check room for the dude-chicks…
Nancy, maybe, but Grace? Now you've made me laugh.
Nancy will win DWTS by rage bullying the other contestants until they kill themselves.
At least until Chaz sits on her.
Jesus fuck.
That's all.
Dancing with Cows
And if you see a two-headed Martian on national teevee you might think "hey, that's acceptable. I'll just become a two-headed Martian. Thanks liberal media for helping me change."
Holy fuckballs. If someone is going to go that far with Photoshop, they should at least have the courtesy to reduce her powerful, galumphing cankles to a circumference less than, say, your average pork roast.
And you just know she was wearing several pieces of supportive undergarments to reign in all that. When she removed them (ugh – don't think about it!) it must have been like that episode of Gilligan's Island, when the homemade glue that they used to repair the hull of the SS Minnow let loose.
The horror……the horror……
She's pretty hot!
Yeah! I've been known to enjoy the oversized saddle on occasion.
Has she been soaked with kerosene and set ablaze?
hot as in Texas forest fire ?
"Is that an Oompa Loompa Mommy?"
"No… it is just a mean, spiteful bitch… eat your pudding."
That push-up's not pushing up enough.
But I think it "pulled around" quite a bit.
Needs more titanium.
Gravity is a powerful and unforgiving mistress.
Occult revival? A little late for Christine O'Donnell, sorry.
Hey! Watch what you're … wut? Oh. Never mind.
I think that's the ballerina lady that was Natalie Portman's stunt double. The lady that really did all the dancing.
Buxom !
Buck some?
She should buck off.
I was thinking "manxome".
I knew she had no shame, but did I need to see photographic evidence? Uh, no.
Why'd they photoshop Nancy Grace's head onto Ahnold "The Sperminator" Blackhead's body?
It's the only thing they could find massive enough to hold up that skull.
Well, and dinosaurs, but those are, like, in museums already, and stuff.
At some point she'll have to drop that "hips going left, shoulders going right" pose and listen to the gasps of horror as her waist magically disappears.
Damn, not that she was hot to start with, but she looks like she ATE Bristol. Lady packed on a few (hundred) pounds.
(PS – Ken, this post was awesomesauce and makes me wish you posted more!)
She didn't gain weight; like most tv hosts, she's just shot better for her own show. You know, seated, and from the chest up.
I find that picture
difficultimpossible to masturbate to.Turn around the monitor.
I may never masturbate again.
I'm saving it all for the Bristol reruns….
You need to find you a smaller pussy than Nance.
A true devotee to the art can masturbate to ANYTHING.
Including The View?
Once you learn to harness you inner-porn, even the view is beatable. Truly, the sound of one hand fapping.
Even The Talk? How about Murder She Wrote?
Id rather watch Judge Judy work the pole.
And I'd rather work my pole watching Judge Judy.
"Sir – Sir!! Did I say you could touch yourself?! A DOLLAR? Don't jizz on my leg and tell me it's raining!"
Sweet CHRIST, Suds! Now I'm feeling *really* squirmish.
They have a different definition of, "Star" than I do.
Seriously. The show just needs to called Dancing With The "Stars".
Hey, I've actually heard of six of the "stars" for this year, which is more than usual for that show. Granted, most of them haven't been relevant since the 90s, but still…
She's in the public eye, like a sharp stick.
Dancing with the Steers.
Only 2 things from Georgia are steers and shrieking dome-headed harpies.
Contest over. We have a winner!
Nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
That won me.
Slow golf clap…
I'm waiting for the DWTS Also-Rans sub-series where she's paired with Tom Delay. Will she tango or indict him? Tune in to see!
AUUUGHH! MY EYES! MY EYES!
Booze and Hotpants!!!
I'd like to see a photo of the head that originally went with that body.
Meanwhile, does anyone else remember the account of a hotel one-night stand with Nancy Grace that appeared here a year or two ago?
You shouldn'ta reminded us, Tundra. Not with that photo before our eyes, anyway.
Given her bulldog tenacity (and jawline), one the DWTS dancers must be her prime-target suspect in Jon Benet's murder.
What? Is Natalee Holloway chopped liver? Jon Benet is so 1990's.
At long last, have we left no sense of decency?
RIP, American popular culture.
How can you kill that which never lived?
Well, I grew up with Lenny Bernstein and Nelson Riddle on the teevee, Top 40 on the AM, "free-form" on the FM, Andy Warhol on the walls, Ken Kesey on the bookshelf and Abbie Hoffman in the streets. So it's not like there were never signs of life. But I'm pretty sure that picture above — and all it represents — is the end.
I think we now know where all the missing white women went. Straight to her thighs! She a big, hungry, big hungry girl, is what I'm saying.
I would not hit that, not on a bet,
I would not hit that, don't you fret.
I would not hit that on a train
I would not hit that in the state of Maine.
I would not hit that in the hall,
there isn't enough alcohol.
I would not hit that on a dare,
I wouldn't even want to see her bare.
I wouldn't hit it in the dark
I wouldn't hit it in the park.
I wouldn't hit it from behind,
view, I think, would be most unkind.
I wouldn't hit it with a hammer,
I'd rather spend life in the slammer.
Not even with a ten-foot Lousiville slugger
would I touch that odious, nasty mugger.
Win!!
(You know you'd hit it…with a 2 x 4.)
An 11-foot 2×4. Man, she should call herself "Lady Beluga."
For the freakin' win!
Really, prommie, you should get your own blog. Your talents need to be enjoyed by a much larger audience.
Absolute upfists for this, prommie.
I don't watch DWTS. Have they ever had any of the couples dance to the 80s one-hit wondersong, "Waiting for a Star to Fall"?
Maybe they should consider that now.
The Detroit Lions should draft her. Imagine her as the other DT with Ndamukong Suh.
The Lions would be a QB killing machine!
Who's going to be her partner – Caveman Tumak? She looks like she's about to be plucked off by a pterodactyl.
That's one strong motherfucking pterodactyl.
She has a club like Captain Caveman. But when the top opens up, a blood sugar tester pops out.
….so that she might burn like some slob Icarus in the global warming Midnight Sun of trailer park apocalypse.
This is why I could never quit you, Wonkette.
~
He had me at "Monstrous trash-cable crime-porn death-beast".
It's a thing of beauty, it is.
And this Nancy person is not an immense diabetic transsexual?
Well, I'd probably agree with the "immense" part, and the "diabetic" just seems to follow, but most transsexuals are hella HOT (Ru-Paul?), and this heah just seems to be a mighty hogbeast.
Perhaps I know longer understand the meaning of the word "star"…aside for the celestail bodies (ok, Nancy might reach that kind of diameter), but the colloquial term referring to celebrity. I know I live in a pop culture vacuum, but I just don't think she (or most of the other people on that shit show) measures up to the definition. She can't be above, like, a U-lister in celebrity rankings.
Well, not exactly casabas. Watermelons!
And I thought hearing about Sinead needing it regularly in the butt and having a date with a banana would be the worst piece of entertainment news I got this month.
That was weird, Sinead complaining that she hasn't taken a delivery in the "tradesman's entrance" in too long.
If I had known she burned for a little rusty sheriff's badge action (not you Roscoe) back when she was tearing up pope pics on SNL, yeah, nice, awesome. I like that.
Now, just not doing much for me. It would be like learning the same info about Carrie Fisher now instead of around when Jedi came out.
How in the name of everything good in this world did someone climb atop that and commence begettin'?
Barbie designed by Shamoo.
What she doesn't know is that her dance partner will be…Joran van der Sloot!!
FT Ultimate W!
You are an upfisting magnet.
Where are those "missing white women" stories when you need one?
Suddenly, I feel for the little psychopath.
If she gets low scores, she'll roll her eyes like she does when some hippie says we shouldn't execute people unless we're pretty sure they're guilty.
But it's good that she is who people think of when they think of prosecutors, because nearly all of them are just like her.
Born to shimmy.
If you tried to dance with a star it would burn you because they are like 10,000 degrees or something.
I want to hug that poor photographer and say "It's okay, man. You did your best."
I whish to God they would bring back “The Love Boat”. Back when that show was on the air you only had one show to avoid if you wanted to spare yourself the pain of watching B-list celebrities debasing themselves for one more pathetic grasp at relevance.
Finally, the perfect wife for Governor Avoirdupois, Chris Christie (who, conicidentally, I saw at lunch today, lumbering into a Ewing eatery next door to the 7-11 where I was buying scratch-off lottery tickets. The place is famous for its 2-pound hamburgers; I assume he would order them by the sack).
Quick! Get yourself out beyond the event horizon before you're sucked into that gaping maw!
You could actually see the distortion of the space-time continuum caused by his gravity well.
Their gonna need a bigger helicopter.
A Sikorsky Troop-transport.
So one of those scratch-offs paid big coin, right? I mean, as compensation for enduring such a sight?
Guys can we go easy on Nancy Grace. I'm having a rare moment of pity here.
I had a flash of that when I started the "don't pick on the fat kid" thought. But then I remembered what a horrible, soulless, hideous sack of flabby shit Nancy Grace is, and the feeling went away.
It's OK, Roscoe. She really is a horrible person.
My rare moment of pity for her will come when she has a rare moment of pity…so, I guess that means fucking never.
I'll save my sympathy for the Devil, thank you.
Dear Lord, did you have to post that photo right after lunch?
One good tango dip and she'll smother herself.
And land her partner in traction for 6 months.
Damn, Chet, you're in FINE form today, man. I cannot upfist you enough.
When I see her, I don't think "tango dip" I think "tangy dipping sauce"
That dress is very slimming.
Wait, I thought…
Oh, right! It's her house that has the legs of a chicken!
One upfist from Modest Petrovich Mussorgsky
I have a widescreen teevee, but there won't be any room left in the margins.
Obligatory comic.
Scroll to the bottom.
S*P totally rox! BUT — that Nancy Grace is from decades ago. You can actually see her waist and her chubby little arms.
Well, the image is certainly jarring, but on the plus side, we all have a sure cure for premature ejcaulation now, I am certain the memory of this photo will work better than baseball stats or anything else.
If the memory doesn't prevent us from even starting down that road, if you know what I mean.
I understand that she'll be booked for SeaWorld next.
It is a bit odd to read about what is happening on TeeVee since we haven't had a television for eight years. Missing all those reality shows, sitcoms, cop shows, hospital shows or (particularly) shouting head news shows might slow my descent into gibbering senility–but probably not.
Relax. I got rid of mine about 20 years ago. Thank deity for Google, which explains pop cultuah references for me. And also for Netflix in case any of that teevee shit was actually worth watching. (Dexter. Yes.)
And lo, a million drag queens just shrieked "Hallelujah" in unison, for verily was their Halloween costume made.
Tap it WHERE?!
On the shoulder. That's the only kind of tapping you'll be doing with her.
First, roll in flour.
dudenaw
Evander Holyfield is on Dancing With The Stars again?
More like Leon Spinks.
I know right? I thought it was George Foreman until I looked a little closer.
hoochie mama!!
I hope her partner is someone like Lou Ferrigno. She doesn't look like she's light on her feet. Light in the head maybe, feet no.
Mr. Egg Man needs to come and haul this bitch away in a wheelbarrow. Like right now.
Honestly, if it weren't for the unfortunate jawline and hairstyle, she don't look too bad for an over 50 year old woman…
So Lou Ferrigno has opted for a different kind of transformation?
Does her face ever not have that terrifying, predatory leer?
A real hernia producer that one is. In more ways than one.
So says Yoda the wise.
It's nice to see Dick Cheney back on the front cover of Time though.
Audrey Hepburn = Star
Robert Redford = Star
Angelina Jolie = Star
Cary Grant = Star
Nancy Grace = Steer
Bum Steer
Roll her in flower to find the wet spot if you want to tap that.
I don't believe there is that much flour in the whole world.
It's only fitting that the epitome of Grace is a Nancy.
Well, yes, but not this one.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
You've won the future.
She has the shape and the curves of a fucking beer keg. Jesus Fuck indeed. And that insane angry leering wild-eyed and enormous head atop the beer keg, this woman, I cannot help but marvel, this is the most repellant woman I have ever seen. Not the fattest, not the ugliest, no, just sear-your-eyeballs, pucker-your-ass, shrivel-your-dick, dry-heave inducing horrid, beastly, scarifying, horrible. She's just horrible.
I may occasionally snark about teh fat, but some big fat women are utterly luscious.
This one is a hosebeast. There is nothing luscious or inviting about her. More like dick-shriveling horror, as you so aptly point out.
Pick a side, Pristine! Is it broad-shouldered, smoothly-waxed pro swimmer dudes, or BBWs? I haz a gender-confused.
The nice thing about being bi is, you're guaranteed a date on Saturday night. :)
I haz a gender-confused also. It's pretty fun, if you just go with it.
I will pray for you. Just shittin' ya. Enjoy!
Ironically, on my local NPR affiliate, Think is doing an hour on M Vick's pitbulls and how some were rehabilitated to not be fighters.
Nancy reminds me of a pitbull.
NSFW, NSFW!
I'll only watch if she's accompanied by back-up dancers who are white 10-year old girls made out to look like zombie murder victims.
Dear Urban Dictionary:
In case you need a photo illustration for the definition of FUPA, look no further.
You're welcome.
All hot straight guys: take a gander at this and welcome to our side.
Tits or GTFO! (I just threw up a little in my mouth).
That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.
i was 12 minutes to late.
cheers!
Obviously Nancy is using some new space-age spanx prototype.
God help us all if the thing ever pops.
I don't have a problem with her…from the neck down.
this is not a star.
this is a whole galaxy.
Needs moar gorilla suit.
I think DWTS should invite Casey Anthony too, you know, just to mess with Nancy.
I'm hoping either Casey Anthony is a special guest judge, or someone has to drop out and she's brought in as a last minute replacement. I want to see Nancy Grace's skull explode.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
Eh. I'd hit it.
I didn't even know they had a heavyweight division on DWTS.
"The winner and still champion, …Nannnnncy….GGGGGGrace!"
I didn't see that coming. I really didn't. Layne, you're cruel.
Now that just ain't right.
If her and Chaz get into the same elevator, they'd better be hoping to go down.
On the plus side, no interstellar aliens will attack us once they get the Nancy Grace broadcasts beamed to them in Alpha Centauri or whatever. It's too hideous, even for Ballchinians
She looks like Jay Leno in drag.
The most disturbing aspect of this is that she's actually wearing a one-piece swimsuit. That's aaaalllll carpet. And no, they do not match the drapes in quantity, length or color. Only in cut.
On behalf of the Women of Wonkette I would like to gift the men ,who may have been traumatized by her saggy breasts, some nice , really big tits from the one and only June Wilkinson, who coincidentally hails from the same town as I do. Clearly NSFW.
http://www.bigbreastarchive.com/alphabetical/june…
The Windmill was operating in 1957? I should have been more reverent.
Thanks Lizzie…
No problem, I love her, she made a whole career based on those magnificent orbs, much as I have done , here on the Wonkette.
What gorgeous…..eyes.
One, ummm….full figured gal.
The first song she and the bodybuilder who has to hurl her around should dance to should be "Shasta Beast" by the Eagles Of Death Metal. "Stop huffin' and a'puffin' like a Shasta beast," indeed.
RUN UNSEE.EXE
Nancy not-so-full-of Grace.
BTW, I have no qualms about making light (heavy?) of Nancy's physical mass. If we can make fun of Rush for being a fat, evil fuck, we can make fun of Nancy Graceless for the very same reasons.
I hope they hoist her into that dress properly. Because one mistaken wardrobe malfunction could take out the entire front row.
Isn't that picture from the episode when Betty comes home to surprise Barney as a blonde and finds him doing it dino style with Fred?
I don't watch that drek, but the missus wouldn't miss one gawdawful episode. Alls I can say is, she better wear her granny panties; otherwise if she falls they'll have to slide her over a manhole to get her on her feet again.
Good god. That's what holds up that screeching hate-filled goblin face?
Pray that I get a little more, before I have to shuffle off this mortal coil. I want to die knowing I got all the hot sex I possibly could on this earth!
Thanks, I am.
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