‘Dancing With the Stars’ Releases Chilling Image of Satan (Nancy Grace)

  satan is real

On the 31st floor, a gold-plated door, won't keep out the Lord's burning rain ....Monstrous trash-cable crime-porn death-beast Nancy Grace is joining the noxious reality-celeb ritual gyration glitter program Dancing With the Stars. This is Living Proof that Satan is real and amongst us, today. Americans watch THIRTY-SIX HOURS OF TEEVEE per week, every week, on their slow Rascal-assisted journey to the Medicare Crematorium, so it’s very likely that almost every American will at least see a “promo” for this wretched shit circus. Would you like to see a large, horrifying press photograph of Nancy Grace on Dancing With the Stars? We guarantee it will almost make you forget the painful image of a tiny Hollywood dancer man struggling to hoist Teen Mom star Bristol Palin closer to the klieg lights, so that she might burn like some slob Icarus in the global warming Midnight Sun of trailer park apocalypse.

Anyway, here you go! Enjoy the night terrors during your last months on Earth:

Down we go, Down we go, Down we go, The Devil and me! Down we go, down down down! Hell fire and flames, Down we go, Down we go!The real problem, of course, is that some jobless illiterate teens will see a transsexual on this same show (and how would anyone tell?) and then the jobless illiterate teens will become transsexuals, too. And this will matter in some important way, because it will be immense diabetic transsexuals crashing Hoverounds outside the SONIC drive-thru instead of the “reg’lr kind.” [Via Cajun Boy]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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224 comments

      1. Crank_Tango

        oh see I just thought it was a dude in a dress, so problems there. I mean shit, she looks like a linebacker with implants, amirite?

    1. Not_So_Much

      Whoops, I should read *all* the posts before I tromp all over one.

      But seriously, wouldn't they be less elephantine if they did?

        1. Not_So_Much

          Fair point. Probably only Leatherface could take them down any further — and I honestly don't like his chances against her.

        2. FrenchTwist40

          Although it almost looks like they took all of the flesh that had been Photoshopped off of the assorted actresses, tween singers and adolescent models, and glued it randomly to her body. Like it might be Buffalo Bill's Chunky Girlsuit.

  1. Pragmatist2

    The only image I want to see of Nancy Grace has a caption which reads:"Exploiter of other peoples misery found dead at Caribbean bondage club."

  2. DahBoner

    Yeah, instead of a coat check room, it looks like Dancing With The Stars needs a junk check room for the dude-chicks…

  3. chascates

    And if you see a two-headed Martian on national teevee you might think "hey, that's acceptable. I'll just become a two-headed Martian. Thanks liberal media for helping me change."

  4. Not_So_Much

    Holy fuckballs. If someone is going to go that far with Photoshop, they should at least have the courtesy to reduce her powerful, galumphing cankles to a circumference less than, say, your average pork roast.

    1. jodyleek

      And you just know she was wearing several pieces of supportive undergarments to reign in all that. When she removed them (ugh – don't think about it!) it must have been like that episode of Gilligan's Island, when the homemade glue that they used to repair the hull of the SS Minnow let loose.

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      It's the only thing they could find massive enough to hold up that skull.

      Well, and dinosaurs, but those are, like, in museums already, and stuff.

  5. edgydrifter

    At some point she'll have to drop that "hips going left, shoulders going right" pose and listen to the gasps of horror as her waist magically disappears.

  6. Redhead

    Damn, not that she was hot to start with, but she looks like she ATE Bristol. Lady packed on a few (hundred) pounds.

    (PS – Ken, this post was awesomesauce and makes me wish you posted more!)

    1. Dexter Linwood

      She didn't gain weight; like most tv hosts, she's just shot better for her own show. You know, seated, and from the chest up.

    1. SorosBot

      Hey, I've actually heard of six of the "stars" for this year, which is more than usual for that show. Granted, most of them haven't been relevant since the 90s, but still…

  7. Tundra Grifter

    I'd like to see a photo of the head that originally went with that body.

    Meanwhile, does anyone else remember the account of a hotel one-night stand with Nancy Grace that appeared here a year or two ago?

  8. edgydrifter

    Given her bulldog tenacity (and jawline), one the DWTS dancers must be her prime-target suspect in Jon Benet's murder.

      1. LesBontemps

        Well, I grew up with Lenny Bernstein and Nelson Riddle on the teevee, Top 40 on the AM, "free-form" on the FM, Andy Warhol on the walls, Ken Kesey on the bookshelf and Abbie Hoffman in the streets. So it's not like there were never signs of life. But I'm pretty sure that picture above — and all it represents — is the end.

  9. prommie

    I would not hit that, not on a bet,
    I would not hit that, don't you fret.
    I would not hit that on a train
    I would not hit that in the state of Maine.
    I would not hit that in the hall,
    there isn't enough alcohol.
    I would not hit that on a dare,
    I wouldn't even want to see her bare.
    I wouldn't hit it in the dark
    I wouldn't hit it in the park.
    I wouldn't hit it from behind,
    view, I think, would be most unkind.
    I wouldn't hit it with a hammer,
    I'd rather spend life in the slammer.
    Not even with a ten-foot Lousiville slugger
    would I touch that odious, nasty mugger.

    1. proudgrampa

      For the freakin' win!

      Really, prommie, you should get your own blog. Your talents need to be enjoyed by a much larger audience.

  10. Mumbletypeg

    I don't watch DWTS. Have they ever had any of the couples dance to the 80s one-hit wondersong, "Waiting for a Star to Fall"?

    Maybe they should consider that now.

  11. OneYieldRegular

    Who's going to be her partner – Caveman Tumak? She looks like she's about to be plucked off by a pterodactyl.

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      Well, I'd probably agree with the "immense" part, and the "diabetic" just seems to follow, but most transsexuals are hella HOT (Ru-Paul?), and this heah just seems to be a mighty hogbeast.

  12. MissusBarry

    Perhaps I know longer understand the meaning of the word "star"…aside for the celestail bodies (ok, Nancy might reach that kind of diameter), but the colloquial term referring to celebrity. I know I live in a pop culture vacuum, but I just don't think she (or most of the other people on that shit show) measures up to the definition. She can't be above, like, a U-lister in celebrity rankings.

  13. BornInATrailer

    And I thought hearing about Sinead needing it regularly in the butt and having a date with a banana would be the worst piece of entertainment news I got this month.

    1. prommie

      That was weird, Sinead complaining that she hasn't taken a delivery in the "tradesman's entrance" in too long.

      1. BornInATrailer

        If I had known she burned for a little rusty sheriff's badge action (not you Roscoe) back when she was tearing up pope pics on SNL, yeah, nice, awesome. I like that.

        Now, just not doing much for me. It would be like learning the same info about Carrie Fisher now instead of around when Jedi came out.

  14. widestanceshakedown

    How in the name of everything good in this world did someone climb atop that and commence begettin'?

  15. __kth__

    If she gets low scores, she'll roll her eyes like she does when some hippie says we shouldn't execute people unless we're pretty sure they're guilty.

    But it's good that she is who people think of when they think of prosecutors, because nearly all of them are just like her.

  16. Goonemeritus

    I whish to God they would bring back “The Love Boat”. Back when that show was on the air you only had one show to avoid if you wanted to spare yourself the pain of watching B-list celebrities debasing themselves for one more pathetic grasp at relevance.

  17. prommie

    Finally, the perfect wife for Governor Avoirdupois, Chris Christie (who, conicidentally, I saw at lunch today, lumbering into a Ewing eatery next door to the 7-11 where I was buying scratch-off lottery tickets. The place is famous for its 2-pound hamburgers; I assume he would order them by the sack).

    1. mereoblivion

      So one of those scratch-offs paid big coin, right? I mean, as compensation for enduring such a sight?

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      I had a flash of that when I started the "don't pick on the fat kid" thought. But then I remembered what a horrible, soulless, hideous sack of flabby shit Nancy Grace is, and the feeling went away.

    2. Dexter Linwood

      My rare moment of pity for her will come when she has a rare moment of pity…so, I guess that means fucking never.

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      S*P totally rox! BUT — that Nancy Grace is from decades ago. You can actually see her waist and her chubby little arms.

  18. prommie

    Well, the image is certainly jarring, but on the plus side, we all have a sure cure for premature ejcaulation now, I am certain the memory of this photo will work better than baseball stats or anything else.

  19. donner_froh

    It is a bit odd to read about what is happening on TeeVee since we haven't had a television for eight years. Missing all those reality shows, sitcoms, cop shows, hospital shows or (particularly) shouting head news shows might slow my descent into gibbering senility–but probably not.

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      Relax. I got rid of mine about 20 years ago. Thank deity for Google, which explains pop cultuah references for me. And also for Netflix in case any of that teevee shit was actually worth watching. (Dexter. Yes.)

  20. elviouslyqueer

    And lo, a million drag queens just shrieked "Hallelujah" in unison, for verily was their Halloween costume made.

  21. mookwrthwilson

    Honestly, if it weren't for the unfortunate jawline and hairstyle, she don't look too bad for an over 50 year old woman…

  22. Eve8Apples

    Audrey Hepburn = Star
    Robert Redford = Star
    Angelina Jolie = Star
    Cary Grant = Star

    Nancy Grace = Steer

  23. timbo71351

    Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
    Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
    Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
    Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
    Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
    Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
    Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.

    1. proudgrampa

      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
      Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.

  24. prommie

    She has the shape and the curves of a fucking beer keg. Jesus Fuck indeed. And that insane angry leering wild-eyed and enormous head atop the beer keg, this woman, I cannot help but marvel, this is the most repellant woman I have ever seen. Not the fattest, not the ugliest, no, just sear-your-eyeballs, pucker-your-ass, shrivel-your-dick, dry-heave inducing horrid, beastly, scarifying, horrible. She's just horrible.

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      I may occasionally snark about teh fat, but some big fat women are utterly luscious.

      This one is a hosebeast. There is nothing luscious or inviting about her. More like dick-shriveling horror, as you so aptly point out.

        1. Pristine_ODummy

          The nice thing about being bi is, you're guaranteed a date on Saturday night. :)

          I haz a gender-confused also. It's pretty fun, if you just go with it.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            Pray that I get a little more, before I have to shuffle off this mortal coil. I want to die knowing I got all the hot sex I possibly could on this earth!

            Thanks, I am.

  25. jus_wonderin

    Ironically, on my local NPR affiliate, Think is doing an hour on M Vick's pitbulls and how some were rehabilitated to not be fighters.

    Nancy reminds me of a pitbull.

  26. poorgradstudent

    I'll only watch if she's accompanied by back-up dancers who are white 10-year old girls made out to look like zombie murder victims.

  27. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Urban Dictionary:

    In case you need a photo illustration for the definition of FUPA, look no further.

    You're welcome.

  28. HistoriCat

    That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

    1. timbo71351

      I'm hoping either Casey Anthony is a special guest judge, or someone has to drop out and she's brought in as a last minute replacement. I want to see Nancy Grace's skull explode.

      1. LesBontemps

        Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
        Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
        Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
        Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
        Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
        Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.
        Please make Casey Anthony a judge. Please make Casey Anthony a judge.

  29. Slim_Pickins

    I didn't even know they had a heavyweight division on DWTS.

    "The winner and still champion, …Nannnnncy….GGGGGGrace!"

  30. Thurman Munster IV

    On the plus side, no interstellar aliens will attack us once they get the Nancy Grace broadcasts beamed to them in Alpha Centauri or whatever. It's too hideous, even for Ballchinians

  31. BornInATrailer

    The most disturbing aspect of this is that she's actually wearing a one-piece swimsuit. That's aaaalllll carpet. And no, they do not match the drapes in quantity, length or color. Only in cut.

      1. Limeylizzie

        No problem, I love her, she made a whole career based on those magnificent orbs, much as I have done , here on the Wonkette.

  32. Chet Kincaid

    The first song she and the bodybuilder who has to hurl her around should dance to should be "Shasta Beast" by the Eagles Of Death Metal. "Stop huffin' and a'puffin' like a Shasta beast," indeed.

  33. Dexter Linwood

    Nancy not-so-full-of Grace.

    BTW, I have no qualms about making light (heavy?) of Nancy's physical mass. If we can make fun of Rush for being a fat, evil fuck, we can make fun of Nancy Graceless for the very same reasons.

  34. Dexter Linwood

    I hope they hoist her into that dress properly. Because one mistaken wardrobe malfunction could take out the entire front row.

  35. James Michael Curley

    Isn't that picture from the episode when Betty comes home to surprise Barney as a blonde and finds him doing it dino style with Fred?

  36. ttommyunger

    I don't watch that drek, but the missus wouldn't miss one gawdawful episode. Alls I can say is, she better wear her granny panties; otherwise if she falls they'll have to slide her over a manhole to get her on her feet again.

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