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PARENTS: YOUR KIDS ARE CATCHING “THE TRANSSEXUAL” THROUGH THE TEEVEE. THIS IS SERIOUS. THIS IS HOW PIG AIDS STARTED, REMEMBER???

Fox News morality police chief Keith Ablow:

Casting Chaz Bono on “Dancing with the Stars” is part of Chaz’s victory tour, which has included appearances on talk shows and the release of a book called “Transition.”

I advise parents to not allow their children to watch the episodes in which Chaz appears.

Here’s why: Many of the children who might be watching will be establishing a sense of self which includes, of course, a sexual/gender identity. Some will be girls becoming comfortable with dramatic changes in their bodies. Some will be boys coming to terms with integrating the dawn of manhood with exquisite feelings of vulnerability. Young viewers will include tomboyish girls and sensitive, less stereotypically “masculine” boys. They will also include children who have sustained the losses of loved ones and are wrestling with depression, perhaps wondering who they are absent their deceased mothers or fathers.

The last thing vulnerable children and adolescents need, as they wrestle with the normal process of establishing their identities, is to watch a captive crowd in a studio audience applaud on cue for someone whose search for an identity culminated with the removal of her breasts, the injection of steroids and, perhaps one day soon, the fashioning of a make-shift phallus to replace her vagina.

[Fox News; h/t Wonkette commenter “One_Who_Wanders”]

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  • nounverb911

    Then Fox shouldn't show video of Lindsey Graham and Marcus Bachmannn anymore.

    • HistGuy

      Or Mitch McConnell.

    • Callyson

      No Rickster or Shelly either (the latter looks exactly like a drag queen.)
      In fact, a good number of the Reeps would be off limits…

  • Barb

    I'm sure Bachmann has something to say about Cher's son being on DWTS. Cher tweeted that "Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class." Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'"

    • AlterNewt

      That seems fair.

    • flamingpdog

      Does he get to keep his Judy Garland posters?

  • these children should instead form their identities by watching their parents be captivated by Fox News.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    "Keith" should either be ablown up or ablowed, one or the other. What a make-shift phallus he is.

    • bumfug

      What do you bet that in high school his nickname was "Two Bucks" Ablow?

  • SexySmurf

    Some will be boys coming to terms with integrating the dawn of manhood with exquisite feelings of vulnerability.

    But most boys will be masturbating so furiously to Julianne Hough that they won't even notice.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Hope Solo brings on my exquisite feelings of vulnerability, but I haven't been at the dawn of manhood for some time. And really, where did Ablow get these turns of phrase — I didn't know the Iliad had a chapter on puberty.

    • edgydrifter

      If you're a young man getting tingly feelings watching Chaz instead of Lacey, your sexual orientation isn't in doubt, and it sure as hell isn't because Chaz has made some alterations to his tackle.

    • TheMeatmaker

      I think that's the "exquisite feeling" he's referring to.

  • HalluxValgus

    I once sat on a public toilet seat in San Francisco and caught The Gay. Cleared up with some antibiotics though.

    • Barb

      Was the antibiotic Gentamicin? If so, you might need a follow up visit.

    • AJWjr.

      Hell, I lived in The Castro during my formative years and didn't catch it.

  • Come here a minute

    I'm not sure what Mr. Ablow [sic] is complaining about — many of us are getting by just fine with a 'make-shift phallus'.

  • hagajim

    WTF? This warning is coming from a guy with Blow in his name…sounds like he has his own sexual identity crisis and the kids might catch it by using his name. I've never read.heard so much absurd bullshit in my fucking life….Jesus!

  • emmelemm

    Seriously, are they never going to give the "you can CATCH the gay" a rest?

    • Crank_Tango

      no kidding. everyone knows it's a lifestyle choice.

      • emmelemm

        Touché!

  • northernbassist

    Keith? Ablow this, you asshat.

  • poncho_pilot

    well…people become dumber and less-informed by watching dumb propaganda on Fox News so i can see how they might've arrived at this idea.

    naw. they're just assholes.

  • SexySmurf

    part of Chaz’s victory tour.

    "You just fashioned a make-shift phallus to replace your vagina; what are you going to do now?"

    "I'm going on a moderately rated reality show!"

    • emmelemm

      Actually, DWTS is a very highly rated reality show!

      (Yes, I watch. I have my reasons. OK, I have someone else's reasons. My mom used to be a ballroom dancer and it makes her happy when I watch it with her.)

  • poncho_pilot

    "…Some will be boys coming to terms with integrating the dawn of manhood with exquisite feelings of vulnerability. Young viewers will include tomboyish girls and sensitive, less stereotypically “masculine” boys…" –A Child Molester

    • Grief_Lessons

      They can always be counted on for fancy prose.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Yeah, I thought he lingered a little longingly on that subject too.

    • poncho_pilot

      ever been in a cockpit before?
      http://movieclips.com/myoL-airplane-movie-have-yo

      • Barb

        Cockpit? Interesting name for a place with male pilots. If the pilots are women is it called a "Box Office?"

        • poncho_pilot

          i think it's still called a cockpit because…i'll stop right there.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

        • poncho_pilot

          do you like to watch gladiator movies?

  • edgydrifter

    Just a further evolution of the Bugs Bunny In A Dress Peril. The tee-vee devil box will make sexual deviants of us all.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I bet when he was a boy, Keith played with Barbies. By shoving them legs first up his ass.

    • Barb

      Don't ask, don't Mattel.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        Afternoon coffee, through nose!

        • Barb

          Sorry Honey!

      • BornInATrailer

        WOW… fantastic.

    • Crank_Tango

      action figures, indeed.

  • baconzgood

    "Some will be boys coming to terms with integrating the dawn of manhood with exquisite feelings of vulnerability." Pretty flowery prose for a straight man…Just sayin.

    • Goonemeritus

      You talk pretty!

  • SmutBoffin

    Huh, this Ablow 'tard wrote a book with Glenn Beck, too.

    He's Fox News' go-to guy for wingnut psychobabble.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Oh, he's THAT guy. I thought he had a troubling expression on his face when Glennnnn was "hugging" that young boy.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Shorter Keith Ablow: Waaaaaaaaaaaah. Chaz didn't come and talk to me about his gender dysphoria, wherein I could've made motherfucking BANK by trying the whole "pray away the gay" routine with him and Cher. WAAHHHHHHHHHH.

    • FrenchTwist40

      Cher would totally kick his ass with one knee-high neo-gothic high-heeled boot.

  • GregComlish

    Want to know who else acted as a "make-shift phallus"?

    • poncho_pilot

      The 12" Pianist?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Percy Grimm, after castrating Joe Christmas in Faulkner's Light in August?

      /Southern Studies major

    • HelmutNewton

      Jeff Gannon?

    • The man from Nantucket?

    • Crank_Tango

      hitler?

      • Pristine_ODummy

        I'm sorry, I just had to upfist that.

    • sati_demise

      Donald Rumsfeld?

    • not that Dewey

      Ron Jeremy?

    • Callyson

      Dick Cheney's hunting gun?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This guy probably recommended that EVERYONE watch Bristle on DWTS, though. Because she is a good role model.

  • baconzgood

    A blow sounds pretty good about now. Gimme a ring Keith.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "someone whose search for an identity culminated with the removal of her breasts, the injection of steroids and, perhaps one day soon, the fashioning of a make-shift phallus to replace her vagina."

    I'm sorry, but is this going to be Naked Dancing With The Stars?

  • Goonemeritus

    You know I did find a bra in the back seat off my son’s car.

    • emmelemm

      Mildly on/off topic: I used to work for this very cool lady who had a teen-aged son. One night, I guess he was stopped by the police – I'm not sure if it was in a car that was his (or his family's), or if it was his friend's car, I forget – but they were in the car, basically joy-riding around, with a girl each on their laps.

      My boss said, "I was mad at him for sneaking out and riding around, but at the same time, I was like, Go Mike!"

  • Chaz Bono… Isn't that the kid on the teevee show I watched growing up, her parents ended each time singing the duet "I Got Your Babe"?

  • Fox n Fiends

    Yes send those vulnerable children to Catholic School – nothing bad ever happens there!!

  • This is just bullshit. I watched a whole episode of Glee and all that happened to me was severe nausea.

  • elviouslyqueer
    • ShaveTheWhales

      A&F paid him munnies to NOT wear their clothes????

  • Doktor Zoom

    The last thing vulnerable children and adolescents need, as they wrestle with the normal process of establishing their identities

    … is to see someone who has successfully come to terms with his own gender identity after years of struggle. After all, with an example like that, the kids who are confused and in pain might find hope, rather than the shame and guilt that their parents and religious authorities might want them to experience.

    Won't somebody think of the children?

    • Doktor, allow me to introduce Pam.

  • Polythene_Pam

    The last thing some kid struggling with depression and/or their gender identity needs to see is someone who struggled with depression and gender identity, then found a solution that lead to peace & happiness in their life

    • bureaucrap

      All roads lead to Christ. If a road doesn't lead to Christ, the road must be destroyed.

  • MOG2410

    Honor the make-shift phallus!

  • nappyduggs

    Ahh yes. So the subtext here is, "Never mind that fact that there might also be some kids out there who are struggling with gender identity disorder or feeling unloved and unaccepted for who they are. They do not exist in my tiny, warped, frustrated, bigoted universe. Yes, fuck those kids.
    What a stellar message. I nominate this man for the ingrown hemorrhoid of the year award. Jesus.

    • Doktor Zoom

      The desire to comfort and promote self-respect among GLBT teens needs to be carefully weighed against fundamentalists' need to shame those filthy little perverts into comitting suicide. It's all about balance.

      • I like your avatar motto, Herr Doktor.

        The psychiatric cliche this alludes to is "exquisite sensitivity."

        Paging Doctor Freud.

  • SorosBot

    So according to Keith, "The last thing vulnerable children and adolescents need, as they wrestle with the normal process of establishing their identities", is to see a healthy, normal person like themselves on television, to know that they're not alone and there is nothing wrong with them. They should be driven into self-loathing, depression and maybe suicide.

    Fuck you, Keith.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "The last thing vulnerable children and adolescents need, as they wrestle with the normal process of establishing their identities, is to watch a captive crowd in a studio audience applaud on cue for someone whose search for an identity culminated with the removal of her breasts, the injection of steroids and, perhaps one day soon, the fashioning of a make-shift phallus to replace her vagina."

    This is the best reason to keep Ann Coulter off the air I've heard yet.

  • Bristol Palin's Dancing got everyone to start fucking for babies.

  • poncho_pilot

    it's funny* to me how much the right–considering how much they're on about "personal liberties", the "nanny state", and freedom–seems to be the first group to criticize anyone who deviates. freedom is slavery, i guess.

    * "…like masturbating with a cheese grater. slightly amusing but mostly painful."

  • Urban_Achiever

    However, Tom DeLay's appearance on DWTS was totally ok, and didn't send out the wrong message AT ALL….

    • Chichikovovich

      I shudder to think how many boys coming to terms with integrating the dawn of manhood with exquisite feelings of vulnerability, tomboyish girls and sensitive, less stereotypically “masculine” boys engaged in campaign finance fraud, laundered money and became Birthers as a result of that DWTS appearance.

  • OneYieldRegular

    That last paragraph makes it sound like Keith Ablow was traumatized by watching John Waters' "Desperate Living."

    Anyway, I wouldn't let any children I know anywhere NEAR Keith Ablow; that rhetoric is as creepy as a shirtless adult clown smoking a cigarette.

  • Mahousu

    And if all that failed, and if Chaz Bono wanted either to kill herself or to undergo gender reassignment surgery, I would have taken that journey with her, too.

    So Keith's problem is just that Chaz got a bit ahead of him. Don't worry, Keith, you've got plenty of time to catch up. Just start on the estrogen now, and in a few months, you'll be a whole new person.

    • Franknflower

      Or he could just kill himself.

  • BornInATrailer

    More like Dr. Ublow.

  • Fox needs to check itself in for a head examination.

    • DahBoner

      A checkup, from the neck up…

  • Indiepalin

    It's beyond me how a 'family friendly' show like "Dancing" can cast a so-called person like Bono and snub such talented celebrities as Christine O'Donnell and Zahi Hawass. Admittedly, I'm no fan of U2 but this certainly crosses the line.

    • Ooh. Dr. Hawas would RULE Dancing with the Stars.

  • Radiotherapy®

    The last thing children need is to be advised by a douchenozzle named Ablow.

  • The Rocky Horror of it all. Faux Shrink Ablow(job) likely knows all the midnight showing antics. Time-warping once again Keith?

  • Guppy06

    "boys coming to terms with integrating the dawn of manhood with exquisite feelings of vulnerability"

    Was this written by a Catholic priest?

    • Come here a minute

      He tried to proofread the piece but all he could see was "boys coming…exquisite..phallus."

      • Guppy06

        Exquisite feels of vulnerable manhoods?

        • Come here a minute

          Wrestling with … vulnerable … adolescents … captive … injection.

          • Guppy06

            I think this calls for a Wonkette Word Jumble Contest!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Make no mistake: I would have gone to the ends of the earth to help Chaz Bono if she had come to me for help.

    Whatever psychological problems Chaz had, he was apparently not so deeply disturbed that he mistook Keith Ablow for somebody who could help. Keith, on the other hand, thinks his viewpoint can be used to benefit society — so you figure out which of them is crazier.

  • metamarcisf

    Hello. I have just arrived on Terra from Rigel 7. What is this "make-shift phallus to replace her vagina" of which you speak?

  • Wonderthing

    And watch those toilet seats, you could get PREGNANT!

    • DahBoner

      I always wear a condom in public toilets to avoid getting pregnant…

  • LowProfileinGA

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Ablow

    Dr Keith Ablow, who is not gay, might do well to get a consult with Dr. Marcus Bachmann, just to be on the safe side.

    • Free blind-folded prostate exam for new patients! You get to pick who wears the blind-fold.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Oh, he is SO not-gay! My not-gaydar immediately hit ELEBENTY.

    • Oh Jesus, this dingus shares my Alma Mater, Brown University, the most liberal school in the country, Bobby Jindal notwithstanding.

      To be a conservative jerk-off and attend Brown, you have got to be an attention-seeking anger queen.

  • Gleem_McShineys

    "To watch a captive crowd in a studio audience applaud on cue for a make-shift phallus"

    Wait, this guy once wrote a book with Glenn Beck, and now he's got the stones to criticize him??

  • RedneckMuslin

    Well, think about Chaz.. He'll be dancing with a hot chick. That might make him change back into a female and be a lesbian again. And then would Ablow be happy? Fuck no!But the main issue for the show is he's fat.

  • This is the same guy who had a hissy fit about the boy with the pink nail polish in that add for whatever. Perhaps he's closeted, self hating trans person, and would really like a "makeshift" vagina and a prescription for estrogen.

  • lochnessmonster

    OMG…Does he think Chaz has "I used to be a lady and turned myself into a man" stamped on his forehead? How would little kids even know?

    • DahBoner

      Looks like just another dude who enjoys eatting Twinkies a lot….

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    M wife, who is a big fan of the show, pointed out to me last night that there is also a decorated war hero who suffers from some pretty extensive burn wounds on his face and body. Although our kid is an adult now, she thinks it would be much harder to explain those wounds and war to a child, than why some other guy seems a little off. What are they gonna do, show Chaz scars too?

    • Swampgas_Man

      If I have to explain Gary Busey to my nephew, these parents can afford to explain Chaz.

  • Swampgas_Man

    The last thing a bigoted — excuse me, "concerned"– parent would let their "sensitive" boy watch is ballroom dancing. And "tomboyish" girls will be too busy throwing up at all the taffeta on display to be converted.

  • SilverTsunami

    Ablow fantasizes about people who want to be amputees, or grow tails. I think both of those were featured in X-files episodes. It's time Mr. Ablow did some serious psychological work on his fixation with Mulder and Scully. Probably more Mulder, based on his comments.

  • mavenmaven

    I believe that if confused adolescent boys are actually watching a dancing program, their decision has likely already resolved. They will inevitably become Republican politicians.

  • sati_demise

    Who the fuck is going to tell these kids who Chaz Bono is anyway? They dont even know who Cher is at this point unless they look her up on wikipedia.

    • AJWjr.

      Next up on DWTS, Cher! I mean, why not toss 'em a real ghey icon?

  • "The last thing vulnerable children and adolescents need, as they wrestle with the normal process of establishing their identities, is to watch…"

    Wait'll those vulnerable children discover the internets and its fleshbots and on-line videos.

  • that guy

    I've seen photos of Chaz Bono. If any of these wingnuts tell "horror" stories of their children asking questions about transexuals, it will be because the adults said something to their kids in the first place. There is nothing about the man that would lead a person, much less a child, to wonder what parts Chaz was born with (- and even if there were, SO WHAT?).

  • that guy

    What Mean is this "crisis" is being completely fabricated.
    If parents are going to be worried, they should be worried about why they are letting young children even watch DWTS in the first place. If they are freaking ot that their children might see a man dancing on TV, and somehow become warped for life because he wasn't born with a penis!, I can't even begin to imagine how worried for their children these same parents must have been when all those past stars who were actuallyhorrible role-models (and in some cases, horrible people) appeared onscreen.
    — What's that you say, THAT NEVER HAPPENED?!

  • GregComlish

    So your teenage son loves watching ball room dance competitions and yet you're still trying to "prevent" gayness?

    • DahBoner

      Good point!

    • Mojopo

      Hel-LO!

  • When does the new Brietbart site come online, BigMakeShiftPhallus.com?

  • I advise parents to not allow their children to watch the episodes in which Chaz appears.

    Yeah, that will prevent having to explain anything.

  • Guppy06

    It's already happening! Jeffy in Friday's Family Circus is already interested in cross-dressing! I shit you not!

    Where's our Comics Curmudgeon?

  • ttommyunger

    I've been aware of Chaz for many years. Chaz was an unfortunate looking female and is an even more unfortunate looking male and seems to exist in a world devoid of joy. To think any young person would be inspired in a positive way by this deeply unhappy person says more about Ablow than anyone else.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Keith Ablow has a point, as I didn't want to be a giant asshole until I watched Mr. Ablow on FOX.

  • What the hell ever but "exquisite feelings of vulnerability" is a great smut book phrase:

    As the masculine manly man held her soft, pliable body tightly to his mighty muscular frame she felt wave upon wave of exquisite feelings of vulnerability sweep throughout the moist depths of her quivering womanhood.

    FOX News is so hot!!!!!

  • ColonelDoctor

    Hey! I paid good money for my make-shift phallus. He's got a problem with that?

  • CHUDster_Arthur

    If there is one thing that teenagers do not need to see, it is the message that they need not be ashamed of who they are.

  • DahBoner

    Inseminating a Country
    Fox News – ‎1 hour ago‎…

  • antispandex

    Look what watching gay porn (for "research") has done to poor Ann Coulter! We can't take a chance!

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