suggestion box

White House Will Now Pretend To Listen To Everyone’s Crazy Ideas

wooooo this petition idea was HILARIOUS. good one, guys!Hey, America! Do you have ideas? Do you think that maybe everyone should be able to smoke lots of weed, or drive in cars without seat belts, or that we should all be ruled by robots, instead of Barack Obama or, Allah-forbid, Rick Perry? Well, terrific, because now the White House will humor you with its brand new socialist program, “We the People.” Now, any meth addict or homeless person inside the local library can come up with a suggestion for this country, and at least for a second believe that it might actually come true. Here is the secret, though: it never will!

Barack Obama is sick of people nagging him about doing things that he said he was going to do once he became the Terrorist King of the U.S.A. “Fine then, here,” is his response, via “We the People.”

The White House on Thursday announced a new way it will keep in touch with public concerns — by promising to consider online petitions that get at least 5,000 supporters.

The idea behind “We the People” — as the program will be called — is that anyone with an idea or cause can go to the White House website and make a public pitch for support. If the idea gets 5,000 backers within 30 days, said White House spokeswoman Sandra Abrevaya, a “working group of policy officials” will respond.

So does that mean Barack Obama will actually do whatever we want? Ha ha, NOT A CHANCE.

NBC’s Chuck Todd asked White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer this morning if, for example, the administration would seriously consider eliminating the Environmental Protection Agency if that idea got 5,000 supporters.

Pfeiffer’s response: “If there are ideas that are ones that we fundamentally disagree with or are bad ideas and enough people come forward, we’ll respond to why we disagree with that idea and look for a way to work together on other ideas.”

Allen St. Pierre, the head of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, vowed in an interview with POLITICO that he would submit a petition and said: “We can get 5,000 signatures in less than one hour. I promise you.”

Given Pfeiffer’s response to Todd, that’s a petition likely to go nowhere.

Time to come up with some creative petition ideas! Free pony rides every Tuesday, and install Krispy Kreme vending machines in all the public schools, etc. [Politico]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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        1. dogscantlookup

          The Frogs made the croissants so we all could eat and shit the muslen flag, and shit it out our …
          too complicated ..or er.. USA USA USA

      1. flamingpdog

        When my ears are cold in the morning, I prefer a side of thighs.

        Actually, thighs on both sides of my ears.

        1. slowhansolo

          Oh no… No, no, I felt that. You didn't carry the one, you foolish person. Now you'll incur the penalties with the compound interest and the wrath and the truncheons.

  1. PuckStopsHere

    Excellent. My idea is to drill in the Everglades. For Jesus. Speaking of this, why do they not simply read Wonket for all the great ideas they will ever need?

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      I think we should drill in Michelle Bachmann's back yard–and, no, I'm not referring to sexy times with Marcus.

      1. sunmusing

        I thought "wonket" was just the male form of that term, whilst, "wonkette" is the female form.
        Such as…….. Barb is a Wonkette of superior snark, Or Texan_Bulldog being a Wonket of snark?
        I hate it when I have to quit drinking in the morning.

    2. DahBoner

      Forget the Everglades.

      Saudi's got more oil. We should drill there. For Jesus.

      I'm sure they will understand….

  2. memzilla

    "If the idea gets 5,000 backers… a 'working group of policy officials' will respond."

    "Policy officials" = "stressed-out heavy-drinking staffers."

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      Don't be so *mean,* memzilla. Clearly, they'll need to drink A LOT to deal with the wacky ideas of the Petitioning Masses.

    1. fuflans

      to be fair, if you said 'teabagger to be transported' you would get far more than 5000 backers.

      just here at wonkette.

  3. Barb

    We the people….
    Would like to force the tea baggers to tell the truth.
    'We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy."

    We the people…
    Would like the tea baggers to admit that the browns, the blacks, the Muslims, the Jews, et al. are "we the people…"

    1. flamingpdog

      No snark, nothing tics me off more to find an e-mail in my inbox asking me to sign an on-line petition to freakin' Eric Cantor asking him not to do whatever dastardly sociopathic deed he has spoken about recently. Is Eric Cantor going to do anything with a petition from whiny, liberal bastards like us other than laugh uproarily and piss on his computer monitor when it appears in his inbox? Why should I provide him with any more perverse pleasure than he already gets from microwaving kittens? (He took cooking lessons from Dick Cheney.)

  4. SexySmurf

    1) Replace picture of Andrew Jackson on the $20 with a picture of Steve McQueen.

    2) Moratorium on new TV shows about people buying storage units.

    3) Appoint SexySmurf ambassador to the Bahamas.

    1. Radiotherapy®

      From the Wonkette Style Manual: Instead of 1), 2), etc. it is preferable to use Bullitt Points to introduce lists.

    2. flamingpdog

      I'd recommend putting Ronald Reagan on the $100 like the Zombie Ronnie sick-ophants do, but I'd be afraid that the Bomber would actually take me up on it.

          1. not that Dewey

            Don't tell Rush that there was a black Peanut. He'll claim that Obama and Holder somehow retroactively forced diversity on the comics industry, thereby taking jobs away from "real" cartoon characters.

    3. tcaalaw

      Replace picture of Andrew Jackson on the $20 with a picture of Steve McQueen.

      Do you have a 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to accomplishing this that I could donate money to?

  5. glamourdammerung

    First person to get 5,000 signature to cut all federal spending in Cantor's district and redirect the money to FEMA wins.

    1. JustPixelz

      Seems only fair. We have to cut somewhere.

      In principle, I agree that money spending for emergencies should come from temporary reductions somewhere else in the budget. Or, if borrowed, include a tax increase of some kind to repay. But when Eric "Let's Default Because Nothing Bad Will Happen" Cantor says it, I can only see a ploy to cut Social Security. Or de-fund the FDA. Never by cutting a single predator drone from DoD.

      1. mumbly_joe

        The important thing to remember is that the US Government has the capacity to pay for things… in the future. This is actually critical, because some expenses are temporary and short term, and making permanent, structural cuts (which are basically the only sorts of cuts left at this point other than that whole "defense" thing) to pay for them is idiotic. Natural disasters definitely fall into this category, just as Wars used to, pre-2000. And pre-The-Great-Teabagging-of-Washington, promises to pay for temporary relief in the future would fairly often be taken to be credible, because we used to have a nation that was committed to honoring its debts.

        Furthermore, both natural disasters and wars also fall in the categories of things that often happen suddenly without months of warning (unless you're George Bush invading a country just because), so trying to wrangle a budget cut compromise to pay for a response essentially ensures that any response to any disaster, attack, or anything else will be so ponderous to be pre-emptively doomed.

      2. Negropolis

        I don't agree. An emergency is an emergency. It's one thing I won't pretend to even see their point on. Emergency aid shouldn't be tied to the budget like that; that's an ideological road I'm not willing to go down as it totally defeats the purpose of calling something an emergency or disaster. Seems to me that this is one of those really obvious differences between the nation's two big ideologies and parties. I'm not even crazy about pay-go for the conventional budget, let alone tying it to disaster relief.

  6. Fare la Volpe

    Allen St. Pierre, the head of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, vowed in an interview with POLITICO that he would submit a petition and said: “We can get 5,000 signatures in less than one hour. I promise you.”

    They'll all be from the same guy who just keeps forgetting that he voted.

    1. dogscantlookup

      I don't hate Barry;
      Like my fam damily always said We don't hate you, we're just disappointed.
      To me that's worse.

  7. GuanoFaucet

    Ban Chuck Todd from my TV, please. If you fundamentally disagree with that idea, I will settle for Luke Russert.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Oh, dear God, not Luke Russert. I'd rather see the petri dish spawn of Andrea Mitchell and Alan Greenspan.

    2. Negropolis

      That, and ban MSNBC's unholy alliance with Politico, quite possibly the worst paper in Washington. Yes, even worse than the Washington Times, which can at least has entertainment value.

  8. SpurningBeer

    I don't think a 5000-signature threshold is going to weed out the idiotic ideas effectively. There are tens of thousands of people who will vote to canonize Justin Beeber, waterboard the Dixie Chicks, and put Pamela Anderson on Mount Rushmore.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I agree. Credo could get a quarter of a million signatures to make Joan Baez's birthday a national holiday.

  9. iburl

    Is that "Populist Rhetoric" I hear, why that must mean it's election time again.

    Once again faced by the timeless prospect of choosing the lesser of two evils.

    Trying to throw one more pail of water out of the sinking ship.

    Fool We the People once, shame on We the People, fooled….yeh… can't git fooled again.
    Cuckold O'Reilly dons tophat to order police around:

  10. OC_Surf_Serf

    Hey, America! Do you have ideas?

    1. Tax the Rich.
    2. Tax Corporations.
    3. Ban all those tv commercials for catheters…

  11. JoshuaNorton

    “working group of policy officials”

    which, like Health Care Reform and the Holy Roman Empire, is actually none of those things — discuss.

    1. SorosBot

      We were promised flying cars, hoverboards, Mr. Fusion, weather control, and movies in actual 3D without that glasses shit by 2015. Where are all of those?

    2. DahBoner

      Jetpacks, moving sidewalks and video phones.

      Finally, Apple is on the last one and will have 4G everywhere in a couple of years…

  12. Steverino247

    Here's my petition idea: Arrest and prosecute former members of the Bush Administration, to include former President George W. Bush and former Vice President Richard Cheney, for war crimes related to the invasion of Iraq, torture of captives and so on.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Or even easier, prosecute for breaking American laws about torture and keep the case in the American court system.

      1. Steverino247

        Better to hold the trials in Texas or Wyoming.

        I'm signed up for the update. I'll let you know when it hits.

        1. glamourdammerung

          I am sorry as I re-read my comment and thought it might come off a bit snide when it was not meant to. But war crimes "trials" tend to be a bit of a joke in my opinion and would require the cooperation of other states. Following our own laws obviously removes the need for any foreign entities to be involved, and using the regular courts used to be the sane response to terrorism related issues prior to the Bush regime deliberately ignoring our laws and traditions.

    2. Weenus299

      Would you settle for some sternly worded letters informing them that their local newspaper subscriptions were going to be cut off?

      1. flamingpdog

        Yeah, like that would hurt. Cheney hides in the bushes every morning and tases the paper boy to get his paper, and Dubya just reads the cereal box with breakfast.

  13. slowhansolo

    Just imagine if anything you saw in a small town letters to the editor section might potentially become policy. These are places where a prominently displayed Mexican flag is interpreted as an act of terrorism by brown invaders.

  14. Weenus299

    Good life for my kids notwithstanding, I would like for you to attack France, so I can wander around in the country for many years.

  15. fuflans

    this is off topic but i just got kicked off the bbc for something.

    incivility or swearing or something.


    i am only ever really mean on the economist.

  16. Negropolis

    Terrorist King

    His official title is actually "Kenyan Usurper." Jeeze, guys, don't you know anything?

    BTW, this is just another cynical and shameless way to build an email list, but at least it's creative.

      1. Negropolis

        Yeah, 'cause does anyone expect any petition to go anywhere? I'd bet most of the stuff that does get a hearing will be stuff better done at the state level, anyway.

  17. Negropolis

    Allen St. Pierre, the head of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, vowed in an interview with POLITICO that he would submit a petition and said: “We can get 5,000 signatures in less than one hour. I promise you.”

    Given Pfeiffer’s response to Todd, that’s a petition likely to go nowhere.

    Ah, yes. The vaunted "Petition to Nowhere". I've signed a few, myself. Democracy; ain't she quaint?

  18. imissopus

    Did nobody at the White House stop to think of all the zillion ways this is a bad idea? I mean, I'm pretty sure I could get five thousand signatures demanding that Barry rename one of his daughters "Voltron," and I'm not particularly clever or stoned all the time.


    What is that with the 5,000 threshold? Have them heard about Gingrich's 2,000,000 billion followers in Twitter?

  20. LesBontemps

    Jebus H. Christ, I sent this item in to Tips@Wonket even before first thing this morning and now The Politico gets the credit. Sheesh, guys, howzabout just a wee nod to one of our own? (I didn't even ask for sexytime with our Editrix or anything.)

  21. mavenmaven

    Bring back stocks, pillories, and other forms of public punishment! And outlaw witches and possible devil worshippers! The teabaggers would sign on for all of that in a minute!

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I can't even IMAGINE how many things 5,000 teabaggers would outlaw! I'm sure there are certain vegetables that are considered to be unAmerican. Not to mention all the music I listen to and every movie I've ever liked.

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        I don't know how else to put this, so — have any of you considered that there may be FEWER than 5,000 teabaggers? I mean, it's not like more than a few tens of them have been showing up at their vaunted "rallies" lately, yaknow.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          I would love to believe that, but it would mean that every one of them had either a television program, a radio show, or a blog. All stars, no audience? Possible. Maybe Jonah and KLo count for two each.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            KLo should count for many, many 'baggers. Who knows how many of them might have gotten stuck in her asscrack when she sat down on them?

            Sorry. I know fat jokes are so juvenile, but there's something about KLo that brings out my Ugly.

  22. Negropolis

    So, what if Boehner petitions his impeachement or resignation which would get that many signatures in two seconds? That's totally on the table with him, right?

  23. Lucidamente1

    Wait, doesn't Wonkette have a policy that every commenter who scores 100+ upfists gets a box of dildos from Ken's private stash?

  24. smashaduck

    For every sequel or remake, they have to put out five ORIGINAL movies. (Twilight doesn't count. See request for stocks and public shaming above.)

  25. dogscantlookup

    "we should all be ruled by robots"
    I always said "Apple Seed", and "Ghost In The Shell" manga had the best government. A.I. as bureaucrats and judges, humans can't hack it.

    Bullshit I can't recommended my a.i. plan, what kind of change is this?

  26. SorosBot

    Gee, what a surprise that the first people promising to use this program are the pot legalization obsessives. When you've got people who obsessively ask the same questions, over and over again, and are such single issue voters they are even willing to vote for crazy old Ron Paul despite his racism, hatred of women, crackpot economic ideas, and being a complete bugfuck lunatic just because he wants to legalize pot you know you're dealing with people who are seriously dedicated to that issue. To a psychotic degree.

    (And yes, pot should be legalized; no, it's not really that important an issue, much less the only issue that matters, fuckin' hippies.)

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Of course it's not the only issue that matters, but the Neverending War on Drugs, and its attendant incarceration industry, does represent a huge misallocation of resources at all levels of government. I'm afraid I think it really is an important issue.

      (Not important enough to get me to vote for Dr. Nutso, but still important).

    2. zhubajie

      If the US were truly controlled by Intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, as per the average conspiracy theory, they'd want most of us stoned/drunk/something all the time, wouldn't they? The current situation fits better with my suspicion that we're ruled by a vast number of idiot savants and clueless fuck-ups, rarely co-operating on anything much.

    3. Negropolis

      no, it's not really that important an issue,

      You tell that to the inner-city and the prison population, then men and women who grow and distribute this stuff on an industrial scale (because no one is going to give inner-city residents leigtimate, well-paying jobs, anymore, regardless of their level of education), and all of the petty murders over this shit because of its illegality. Really, violent crime would drop in our cities overnight and we could free up law enforcement money for other more worthwhile shit. The war on drugs has decimated the communities I grew up in. Yeah, it's what you'd call a "big fucking deal."

      If people can't look past the recreational hippies pushing this, that's really rather unfortunate.

      1. SorosBot

        That would be true of ending the war on drugs as a whole, not just pot legalization. I'm talking about people who are obsessed with pot only here like NORML, who are mostly just a bunch of hippies. And ending the war on drugs is, sadly, not currently a politically viable position; it's just not going to happen any time soon, while pot legalization might.

      2. Pristine_ODummy

        White people can only see the white nutbags who are pushing this issue. And those white nutbags tend to be from the privileged class. Working class folks might toke when they can, but they're not about to cop to it because they know what is likely to happen. So, yeah, nobody is seeing this as an issue which unfairly and greatly impacts communities of colour, because mostly they don't really *see* people of colour.

    4. natoslug

      I'm still torn on this issue. Yes, it would be nice to have the violence go down, but economically even the semi-legal status of weed in CA has had an impact here in Humboldt. We used to get growers and harvesters paying with rolls of hundreds. Now it's rolls of twenties. OTOH, an ounce is pretty fucking affordable for once.

  27. SorosBot

    OK, I propose that, as stimulus of course, the Feds pay off all Stafford student loans, at least up to a point of – [checks account] – $35,000. Anyone with me? We can increase the amount if you need it.

  28. MiniMencken

    Can we get 5,000 people to ask Barry to invoke the RICO Act against the entire Republican Party? Yes, we can! That would solve so many problems…

  29. SorosBot

    America faces a great threat of giant monster attack. To combat this threat, we should build a fleet of five giant, multicolored robot animals, or maybe occasionally vehicles, which combine to form a giant humanoid fighting robot. They should be piloted by a group of multi-ethnic teenagers with attitude (but the leader should probably be a white guy; and on the rare occasion the leader is a non-white guy, or solo occasion it's a woman, there should be a white guy who gets more focus than the leader).

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      Weren't Heinlein's stories full of Heroic White Guys with Cullud Sidekix just like that? One of them was even named "Whitey," IIRC. Huh, Whitey.

  30. anniegetyerfun

    Well, thank goodness that they are going to ignore what people want, because I'm sure the first six or seven petitions would be, like "linch the nigra in the wite hause."

    This fucking country. Fuck.

  31. johnnyzhivago

    - Turn Area 51 into an amusement park for aliens

    - Constitutional ammendment: Casual Fridays

    - Build network of supersonic monorails around country

    - Military campaign to impose English System of Measurement in Europe

    - Invade Canada, replace its leaders and convert its citizens

    - National nametag program for illegal aliens

    - Roto-Voter: All licensed plumbers can conduct voter registration

    - Put Sarah Palin on No-Fly List

    1. Negropolis

      - Invade Canada, replace its leaders and convert its citizens

      Into what, though? Energy? Soylent Green? What?

    1. LesBontemps

      See, e.g., "America Freaking Speaking Out" launched by the House Republicans last year, and roundly made a mockery of by Your Wonketeers.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      I distinctly remember being invited (repeatedly) in the week following Obama's inauguration — when Things. Were. Going. To. Be. Different. — that I should write to the White House dot com with all my brilliant ideas about how to improve the country. We see how that worked out.

  32. widget2011

    I have an idea. Can we pump 8000 gallons of high test gasoline apiece up David & Charles Koch's asses, then put another 5000 gallons of liquid oxygen up there too? Then we can light the fuze and take bets on how far from Earth they go. We will all be winners as we split the dividends, and gasoline prices will drop to $2.50 a gallon. I see it as a WIN,WIN.

  33. edconley7

    Amend the constitution back to the 435,000 people per house rep. and redistrict the system. Close congress in Washington and decentralize the process back to the districts through a secure, highly encrypted system. (But not too hard, face it most of these people will be popularity idiots. )

    This way I never have to listen to John Boner or Eric C*ntor again.

    Require 100% voting of both bodies on all bills.

    Pass an act requiring everyone to vote and set the system up like and ATM machine. Swipe your card, push a few buttons, go on your way.

    1. edconley7

      Dear Lord no. LOL!!!

      This would make lobbying by large corporations too costly. There would 701,149 members of congress.

      Also split the states into 100 equal geographic locations.

      This strategy is like the increased baseball games in a season strategy.

      1. Negropolis

        Your advocating splintering the congress even more than it already is making it completely gridlocked forever. You'd essentially be killing congress by increasing its constituencies. Sure, it'd get rid of the lobbiest, but it'd create even more problems than it could potentially solved.

  34. x111e7thst

    Legalize dueling.The list of fat FuckTard asshats who have deeply offended me (yes you Rush) is long, I wish to start whittling it down.

  35. johnnyzhivago

    Dissolve the country, let the 13 original colonies petition to be taken back by England, give Texas to Mexico, Alaska to Russia and California to China (as repayment of debt). Give Arizona to the Palestinians as a new homeland. Let the rest of the country go fuck itself.

    1. natoslug

      I'm not ready to welcome my new Chinese Overlords. And budget fuckupery notwithstanding, CA plans on merging with Oregon, Washington, B.C. and maybe a touch of Idaho and Montana when we finally abandon the American experiment.

  36. bureaucrap

    "We weren't listening to you before, but now we are! However, just remember that sometimes when you pray to God, the answer is no."

  37. user-of-owls

    Please, friends, sign on to my petition!

    'We the People" Demand that the White House Should Start Pretending To Listen To Everyone’s Crazy Ideas From Now On!

  38. HistoriCat

    Call for a new Constitutional Convention. It would be an insane riot of deals, backstabbing, name calling, bribe taking, and fail.

    Ken – if this happens you will have to bring in all former Wonkette writers and a gaggle of interns to cover all of the shenanigans.

  39. sati_demise

    OK, instead of going for full legalization of Marijuana, how about just bumping it down to a Schedule 2 drug, on the list with Meth, heroin and cocaine.

    And frekin' legalize Industrial Hemp already, for gods sake, this new industry will create jobs in food, fiber, ethanol and plastics. They keep saying competition is good, but then refuse to let this source of raw materials compete. Makes no sense.

  40. DahBoner

    People, this is why they always put a lock on the Suggestion Box.

    Not a big lock, but still a lock. You need to protect the suggestions!

    Because they're just that good….

  41. zappadoo76

    This is actually a good idea. It creates the illusion of democracy, which I kind of like, seeing as how I can't have the real thing.

Comments are closed.