NEW 85MPH SPEED LIMIT!  4:42 pm September 1, 2011

Illuminati Plan To Kill Off Texans Approved By Texas Lawmakers

by Ken Layne

'Them are making a pornographic movie, Texas style!'A secret plan by the New World Order to kill off America’s most dangerous people, the Texans, is moving forward as an actual law now that the Texas House of Representatives has approved an 85mph speed limit in the nation’s second most populous state. Cloaked experts from the Council of Malthusian Relations announced from their Temple today that Texans may be reduced by as much as a third in the coming year. “They have high-speed roadways in Europe, and there could be some merit in having some of those highways in Texas,” said Republican Rep. Lois Kolkhorst, who introduced the bill while reading from a glossy brochure provided to her by the Club of Rome’s population reduction propaganda office.

Secret globalist and “former Democrat” Rick Perry is expected to approve the bill, as his goal is to kill off whatever Texans he cannot enslave in FEMA camps.

The AP bureau in Austin reports that even generally evil insurance companies are taken aback by the Republican plan to kill off the main source of Republican votes: drunken old white people driving terribly and not wearing seatbelts because they hate Ralph Nader.

“Obviously, the two things that kill most people on our highways are speed and alcohol. Increasing it to 85, or even 75, will have a dramatic impact on the death and injury rate on those highways where it’s implemented,” said Jerry Johns, a spokesman for the Southwestern Insurance Information Service.

The spokesman noted that Texans already speed way beyond the 70mph posted limit, so they’ll probably think it’s okay to drive over 90mph once the new signs go up. [Statesman.com via Metafilter]

 
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{ 198 comments }

FlownOver September 1, 2011 at 4:44 pm

No one left to secede?

starfanglednut September 2, 2011 at 11:26 am

You mean succeed?

nounverb911 September 1, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Ralph Nader approves of Texas' new "Headcount Reduction Plan".

Rarian Rakista September 5, 2011 at 2:08 am

We need to reintroduce the Corvair.

Corvair 2012, The Tea Party Express.

GuanoFaucet September 1, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I'm ok with this.

AJWjr. September 1, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Anything that can shorten my time in Texas, I am for.

Crank_Tango September 1, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Why don't they just call it the autobahn and get it over with? Also, you know who else built an autobahn…

nounverb911 September 1, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Captain Kangaroo?

Radiotherapy® September 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Kraftwerk?
(The OG Techno, BTW)

Giveusabob September 1, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Which promptly conjured up the image in my mind of Perry stroking his hair to soothing Moog synth tones. I think I need liquor now.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 1, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Eisenhower?

Radiotherapy® September 1, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Was he a 9/11 winner or loser?

Tommmcattt September 1, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Prinz Frederic von Anhalt ?

GunToting[Redacted] September 1, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Freddie Prinze von Asphalt?

weejee September 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Baron Lego and Count Duplo?

genxr September 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm

The Stig?

jqheywood September 1, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Some say he eats iguanas for breakfast . . .

mumbly_joe September 1, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Ken Layne? Wait, no, that was the auto-ban.

(just kidding Ken! Don't Autobahn me!)

undeservingpoor September 1, 2011 at 5:22 pm

The Masturbation Guy?

HelmutNewton September 1, 2011 at 6:19 pm

The Coen Brothers?

BTWBFDIMHO September 1, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Levi Johnson?

Crank_Tango September 1, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Actually, the answer we were looking for was Rachael Ray. Rachael Ray.

Not_So_Much September 1, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Yummo!

flamingpdog September 1, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Rachael Ray?

Crank_Tango September 1, 2011 at 11:44 pm

and rachael ray, ftw.

ShaveTheWhales September 1, 2011 at 7:47 pm

I've driven on Autobahns. I've driven on Texas highways. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

nounverb911 September 1, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Is there a restriction on "six-packs" per mile now?

MOG2410 September 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Hell no! When we lived there you could drive through the liquor stores, unless you wanted to go to the one that was part of the gun store, then you had to get out.

memzilla September 1, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Actually, distance in Texas is commonly measured in beers. "Oh, Waco? Yeah, it's about four beers up thataway."

Until Sept 1, 2001, it was legal to drive in Texas with an open container of alcohol.

imissopus September 1, 2011 at 5:04 pm

And then ten days later America was attacked by people trying to finish the job of destroying our freedoms! Nevah Forget!!1!

GeorgiaBurning September 1, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Now there's a minimum requirement

not that Dewey September 2, 2011 at 12:39 am

Edward Abbey is drinking in his grave.

LettucePrey September 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Haha, for a second I thought the accompanying photo was Jennifer Lopez in Selena.

Mumbletypeg September 1, 2011 at 4:57 pm

She had that bobbed cut as a fly girl on In Living Color, too. Been watching reruns while house-sitting… good times…

Chillwaver September 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Speed Limit goes up, Texas' population goes down. You can't explain it.

justkillmenow September 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

You listening Mississippi?

LowProfileinGA September 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I nominate GA, and I live here.

elviouslyqueer September 1, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Oh please, like we have any of them newfangled interstatey highway things down here in Dixie.

SpurningBeer September 1, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Innerstates are where the truckstops are at.

flamingpdog September 1, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Leave Bristol Palin out of this!

ph7 September 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Adoption of European health hazards = Good
Adoption of European health care = Bad

Pristine_ODummy September 1, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Well, isn't that just wonderful. Now they won't have to secede, with all the icky mess that that entails.

LowProfileinGA September 1, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Did she say entrails?

Pristine_ODummy September 1, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Who she? The haruspice?

LowProfileinGA September 1, 2011 at 5:59 pm

I met her at a bar in Athens (GA). She was hawt, but far to literate for me.

nounverb911 September 1, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Can they raise the speed limit in the "Old Peoples" section of Florida too?

memzilla September 1, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Next: outlawing seatbelts and motorcyle helmets, and voiding the Open Container Law. Sure they'll lose federal NHSTA funding, but they want to secede anyway, right?

Boredw/Gravitas September 1, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Motorcycle helmets are already optional. That was one of the very first laws Dubya passed as governor. There's nothing like the wind through your hair just before your brain smashes all over the pavement.

Beowoof September 1, 2011 at 6:38 pm

When searching for a motorcycle helmet, the best advice I saw was to buy the helmet you think your head is worth. I see the Texans who don't wear them are spending the appropriate amount of money

SorosBot September 1, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Maybe the legislature figured that god was trying to kill Texas with the summer-long extreme heat wave and the wildfires, and figured they'd help the process along.

Chillwaver September 1, 2011 at 4:49 pm

As if we didn't have enough speeding Hummers and F350's on the road…now they can do it legally. Fucking A…

Clancy_Pants September 1, 2011 at 4:53 pm

To someone in the the closet like Gov. Perry you probably can't get enough speeding hummers.

V572 T-Blow September 1, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Although the slow ones have a lot to be said in their favor as well.

charlesdegoal September 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Oil interests are obviously behind this move, which will cause consumption to increase significantly – at least for as long as drivers remain alive.

Weenus299 September 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Maybe this will drive insurance rates higher than South Carolina's? I hope so.

Clancy_Pants September 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I know they'll argue the point but Darwin was right.

DashboardBuddha September 1, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Darwin's waiting room is never empty.

MOG2410 September 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Actually, I loved the highways in TX, never got a ticket there.

johnnyzhivago September 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Only 85??? What a bunch of pussies!

Radiotherapy® September 1, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Houston, we have a launch.

weejee September 1, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Radio at 85 mph, the M of the chubby cheeks of the average Texican will still be short of escape velocity, Ve = √ 2GM/r. Oh, never mind. You didn’t say a successful launch now did ya?

savethispatient September 1, 2011 at 5:38 pm

By my calculations, they need to up it to 88 MPH and 1.21 Gigawatts to get anywhere.

weejee September 1, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Watts that save? Have they gone back to the electromacutions in Tejas?

flamingpdog September 1, 2011 at 7:33 pm

From looking at the Texans of WalMart website, I'd say they're much more interested in a successful lunch.

Radiotherapy® September 1, 2011 at 8:47 pm

My #1 Rule of Emergency Medicine: Humans Don't Make Good Projectiles.

LiveToServeYa September 1, 2011 at 4:52 pm

A 3 foot high speed bump around Texas would do wonders. Finish the damned bump!

OzoneTom September 1, 2011 at 4:52 pm

“They have high-speed roadways in Europe, and there could be some merit in having some of those highways in Texas,” said Republican Rep. Lois Kolkhorst…

What's next, high-speed rail? Socialized medicine?

edgydrifter September 1, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Texas should go ahead and ban seatbelts while they're at it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 1, 2011 at 5:19 pm

And safety glass. Heck, force every car to carry its gas tank outside its bumpers with a big bullseye on it. Let's make this happen folks!

nounverb911 September 1, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Didn't Ford already do that with the Pinto?

Jukesgrrl September 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm

And don't forget — a couple of loaded shotguns in every backseat.

ChurchofRealism September 2, 2011 at 11:15 am

And replace with piano wire.

genxr September 2, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Fill the airbags with gravel.

Lucidamente1 September 1, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Yeah, well Montana abolished speed limits on its interstates back in the 1990s, so Texans are still a bunch of pussies.

tcaalaw September 2, 2011 at 10:21 am

Didn't they reinstate a 75 MPH limit after a couple years though?

ph7 September 1, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Freedom's just another word for vehicular manslaughter.

nounverb911 September 1, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Needs more Jayne Mansfield.

(Too soon?)

SorosBot September 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I was trying to think of a Grace Kelly joke, so no.

Negropolis September 2, 2011 at 2:47 am

I was trying to think of a Princess Di joke, so double no.

hollywooddood September 1, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Okay, but don't lose your head, nounverb911.

Steverino247 September 1, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Nobody was interested in her head, so it was no great loss…

Ruhe September 1, 2011 at 4:55 pm

So Texas gets to be the Super Collider State after all. Good for them.

Negropolis September 2, 2011 at 2:48 am

It's like nuclear physics, but not.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 6, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Scientists can study the debris for traces of the elusive dumbon and moron particles.

ManchuCandidate September 1, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Now it's a race to see what kills Tejans first.
1) Kinetic Energy (small metal projectiles division — guns)
2) Poor Healthcare
3) Kinetic Energy (big metal projectiles division – cars)
4) Obesity
5) Chemicals (petro or otherwise)
6) Heat
7) Water (lack of it)
8) Stupidity

Rotundo_ September 1, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Don't forget that miracle enhancement to all eight: Alcohol, in combination with any of the others will speed up the process too! Just a few ounces of Darwin Juice in their systems will help exacerbate any mode of death the proud folk of Tejas choose, and having known a few, they will probably have multiple paths at once! Will Bubba get shot, crash his four by four into a bridge abutment or another vehicle, will he just keep going until his liver goes? All at the same time? Hey anythings possible with alcohol, vehicles and stupid!

Dudleydidwrong September 1, 2011 at 5:28 pm

All of 'em, Katie.

emmelemm September 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I think heat should be higher on the list.

rambone September 1, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Shooting a rifle in the air whilst whooping just isn't the same unless the Texans are also driving at a speed higher than their IQ. Ergo 70 mph should suffice.

forgracie September 1, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Win win!

metamarcisf September 1, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I'm with Perry: if our Founding Foreskins had wanted a speed limit they would have written it into the constitution. That they did not implicitly tells us that they wanted citizens to drive their cars as fast as they can all the time. Just like dogs eat as much as they can all the time.

Barrelhse September 1, 2011 at 11:44 pm

"Dogs run free
Why not me?"

BornInATrailer September 1, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Does Texas still have drive thru liquor stores? Because, if you combined that and the new speed limit with an EZ-Pass like system, it would make for some really quick runs to the package store. That's progress.

ph7 September 1, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Well, Upshur County's drier than an empty bottle
Since the Mormon's come to town, yeah
And to run out of beer, thats a run to Gladewater
Highway 79 thirty miles on down now
You know, fair is fair but life's a gamble
When it's eleven forty-five, yeah
And it's a toss of the coin to see who's got fifteen minutes
To make a thirty minute drive

angryclownspawn September 1, 2011 at 6:05 pm

So this was all Michelle Shocked's idea?

V572 T-Blow September 1, 2011 at 6:36 pm

You just roll down the window and the "clerk" pitches in a six-pack of shitty beer. Heaven on wheels!

zhubajie September 1, 2011 at 6:40 pm

No cheap gin?

SpurningBeer September 1, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I hear that drive-up liquor windows here in Florida used to give you a Dixie cup full if ice if you asked, too.

genxr September 2, 2011 at 12:08 pm

They'll have to widen the doors to accommodate a pickup truck traveling sideways.

Comrade Wingtard September 1, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Rockin' good news!

genxr September 1, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Who needs high speed rail?

Also, I'm thinking about what it's going to be like stuck in gridlock on I-35, staring at the 85mph speed limit sign and an old man passing you with a walker.

DoktorThompson September 1, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Ding ding ding.

I was thinking the same thing, but I-45 and I-10 in Houston. They're goddamn eight-lane parking lots.

metamarcisf September 1, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Never mind that. You forgot to fill out those TPS reports. We're using TPS reports on our cover sheets now. Did you get the memo?

MissTaken September 1, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Damn it feels good to be a gangster

UnionAgitator September 1, 2011 at 5:08 pm

The safety conscious Texan who introduced the bill is State Rep. Lois Kolkhorst.

She chairs the Public Health Committee; so she should know what’s best for Texas.

My advice: She should kick-off the Europeanization of Texas by not shaving her armpits.

Barrelhse September 1, 2011 at 11:42 pm

I wanna hear her say her name without sounding like she has a mouth full of dick.

badseeds September 1, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Good. Now we unfortunate passers-through can get in and out of that fucking shithole of a state that much faster.

Negropolis September 2, 2011 at 2:51 am

If you can get out before your drunk-driven into a concrete median by some wasted redneck in Wichita Falls.

Goonemeritus September 1, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Yes now repeal the open container law and make bolting those longhorn things on your hood mandatory. It’s the only way we can be assured of thinning those hoveround's at the same time.

emmelemm September 1, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Apropos of nothing, this morning I saw a truck with the full skull/longhorns bolted straight to the front grill. In Seattle. It was… inappropriate and incongruous.

hollywooddood September 1, 2011 at 5:14 pm

It's job creation for whoever cleans up the roadkill. Win-win.

Fare la Volpe September 1, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Prisoners?

CrunchyKnee September 1, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Aint nothing says freedumb and 'Merica better than a fat bubba driving a 2 ton SUV at 85 MPH, while his peroxided big haired wife talks to momma on her cell, and the future date rapers and cheerleaders watch DVDs of some inane Disney crap in the back. USA!

Jukesgrrl September 1, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Call SaturdayEveningPost.com … we found our new Norman Rockwell!

BTWBFDIMHO September 1, 2011 at 5:19 pm

700 new laws were approved yesterday. Examples:
1. "A driver may not allow a child under 18 to ride in a watercraft while it is being towed on a street or highway." Rednecks beware.
2. Gun owners, go all hard-ass. "Voters will be required to present a driver license, personal identification certificate, military identification, election identification certificate, United States citizenship certificate passport, or concealed handgun license to participate in an election ."
3. Arm up those jet-skis.
You can finally bring your gun onto your boat or watercraft. To settle maritime disputes, we guess. Because Texas legislators are pussies, the gun has to be kept out of "plain view."
4. Minors: Change your FB status before you sext.
Minors sexting now face misdemeanor charges, but the Department of Public Safety does point out a loophole: "This does not apply to minors involved in a dating relationship or spouses." We believe we have never heard a more elastic term than "dating relationship" when it comes to teens.
5. Hunters may now take aim at feral hogs from the air under a law that allows hog hunting from helicopters, which is bad news for hogs, but good news for property owners.

Check link for precious pic: http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2011/09/t

mumbly_joe September 1, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Except for the property owners that end up being mistaken for feral hogs, that is.

zhubajie September 1, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Can these air-hunters tell a feral hog from a domestic hog? Some of these helos might end up being shot down by angry farmers.

not that Dewey September 2, 2011 at 12:45 am

Can these air-hunters tell a feral hog from a Texas resident? Some of these angry farmers might end up being shot.

zhubajie September 3, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Hogs are pretty intelligent and know when to run away!

flamingpdog September 1, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Finally, GOOD NEWS for Sarah Palin! She already got the big bad wolf from an aeroplane – now she can go after the three little pigs! Just so long as Senator James Inhofe is the pilot.

rotatingskull September 1, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Amazing choice of photo from David Lynch's little known Wild At Heart.

Rotundo_ September 1, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Going from "The Lone Star State" to "The Organ Donor State" works for me, nuke the seatbelt, helmet, and speed laws and drop the drinking age to 13 and watch those transplantable innards pile up in the coolers. Honest Tex's Used People Parts, Texas has a big heart, and it's available for transplant if'n you got caish munny.

genxr September 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm

the final piece in Dick Cheney's plan to become immortal.

Jukesgrrl September 1, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Please take note that I don't want one of their livers.

Goonemeritus September 1, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Just the laboratory of democracy addressing our intractable healthcare cost problem. No one survives an 85 MPH wreck in a pickup. Thank God for this out of the box thinking by one of our greatest States.

flamingpdog September 1, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Out of the box thinking putting moar peoples into a box.

AJWjr. September 1, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Hey, Bubba watched 'em trucks on nascar last week, everyone walks away!

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 1, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Now, if the Texas Legislature would only require all Texans to carry guns in their cars, we would not have to worry about Texas at all after about 9 months.

GeorgiaBurning September 1, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Unless you live in New Mexico

SexySmurf September 1, 2011 at 5:22 pm

This is good news for Sammy Hagar.

AJWjr. September 1, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Go on & write me up for 125…

Barrelhse September 1, 2011 at 11:37 pm

It's GREAT news for Hunter Thompson and his Samoan attorney.

tcaalaw September 2, 2011 at 10:24 am

Right, you don't want to let the spedometer dip below 80 when you're in bat country!

BklynIlluminati September 1, 2011 at 5:22 pm

I am here to verify that yes, my associates and I have indeed hatched this diabolical plan. But our motives are rather shall we say low brow… I'm embarrassed to say this is really just about an office pool closest to projected number of high impact deaths will it take for Texas to put the speed limit back. I know i know frigging boring around the office these days just messing with Glen Beck.

undeservingpoor September 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Man's inhumanity to the armadillo.

mumbly_joe September 1, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Texas is just doing its part to abolish traffic stop slavery.

Fare la Volpe September 1, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Basil Marceaux upfisted this comment.

mrblifil September 1, 2011 at 5:28 pm

This was covered in one of the Pee Wee Herman movies I think…

Wonderthing September 1, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Why not just lower the altitude that airplanes can fly over Texas? That'll do it.

MissTaken September 1, 2011 at 5:30 pm

I can't drive….85

Groupshrug September 1, 2011 at 5:32 pm

The snark is strong in this one.

savethispatient September 1, 2011 at 5:34 pm

What's all the fuss, 85 mph on a freeway should be fine – you're all travelling in same direction, the relative speed difference between cars should be relatively small. Most road accidents involving too high a speed happen on minor roads, I thought.

Of course, European motorways are generally smoother and wider than American freeways and they also have a strong central barrier, not just a ditch. And driving drunk, talking on the phone, or generally not paying attention should be strictly prohibited, but that's always true, no matter the speed limit.

What I'm really saying is: Seattle drivers, GET OUTTA MY WAY!

Native_of_SL_UT September 1, 2011 at 6:07 pm

We have a stretch of "testing" highway here in Utah that uses this speed limit. We apparently are passing the test since the fatality rate on this stretch hasn't changed. Not that it makes any difference what the speed limit on our freeways is since most of us travel at about 90 anyway

savethispatient September 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm

That makes me want to move to Utah! Seattle drivers insist on creating a 3-lane wide rolling road block doing 53 mph. Slower if it's especially sunny or raining.

Rarian Rakista September 5, 2011 at 2:38 am

I live in PDX and love this. I always drive the speed limit.

AJWjr. September 1, 2011 at 9:41 pm

In Germany, they still teach their drivers how to drive. They take their license very seriously.

Jukesgrrl September 1, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Most schools in the U.S. cut driver's ed years ago. So if you don't learn it from Mommy, you don't learn it. Where's my teasing comb?

genxr September 1, 2011 at 5:36 pm

You know what scares me most about driving in Texas? the fact that major freeways have intersections instead of on/off ramps. Honest to god intersections, without stop lights. Just a farm road intersecting the freeway. When you're on that farm road and it crosses a freeway, you stop, look both ways, and then drive right across. Nothing like cruising at 70mph knowing the guy sitting in that pickup truck is wondering if he has enough time to pull out in front of you.

EatsBabyDingos September 1, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Heck, the highways in Iowa had curbs for years. God forbid your tire blows and you take out some corn instead of taking out oncoming traffic. Corn Rulez!

ph7 September 1, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Laura Bush knows this all too well

mourningnmerica September 2, 2011 at 3:16 pm

"… a woman scorned…"

mourningnmerica September 2, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Her driving earned her the nickname Cub Cadet in high school.

mourningnmerica September 2, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Good.

SayItWithWookies September 1, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Rick Perry is the new James Dean: Live sanctimoniously, die wrinkled and crazy, leave a hideously mangled corpse.

BarackMyWorld September 1, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I think Texans have proven you can drive recklessly at virtually any speed.

slamtundra September 1, 2011 at 5:44 pm

It's already 85 on I-10 in west Texas where there's nothing to hit but deer. I don't have time to read – does this mean it's going to all 85 all the time in Texas starting today? Yee-haw, git after it ya'll. Even if they don't all die in fiery crashes, I bet it's gonna burn up them billfolds. It gets expensive to fill up that V10 Dodge 4×4 crew cab pickup twice a week just commuting to work. But hey, they can just get a couple more of them minimum wage Texas Miracle jobs for gas money, so it's cool. Stupid fucking bastards.

genxr September 1, 2011 at 5:56 pm

It's okay. they'll blame Obama for the high gas prices. And going to all the funerals will just make them madder come election time.

angryclownspawn September 1, 2011 at 6:08 pm

O/T but Mr. Angryclownspawn got a speeding ticket on the Autobahn this summer. At least the Europeans understand proper lane usage. I shudder to think of how that will work in Texas.

V572 T-Blow September 1, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Was it one of those arrive-in-the-mail-later jobs they're so fond of in Old Europe? What a great reminder of your trip that makes, three months later.

ttommyunger September 1, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Not to be outdone, I'm sure Air-Head-Zona will up their Limit to 95 along with legalizing open containers and texting while driving…I love the smell of Death in the morning, it smells like……Texas, or Arizona, or both.

V572 T-Blow September 1, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Plus live-fire weapons testing because why not. They shoot out all the fucking signs all the time anyway.

ttommyunger September 1, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Why not indeed!

starfanglednut September 2, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Srsly?

V572 T-Blow September 2, 2011 at 9:59 pm

This sort of thing

Jukesgrrl September 1, 2011 at 11:10 pm

As far as I can tell, Arizonans have always considered "speed limit" to mean "suggested starting point."

ttommyunger September 2, 2011 at 7:10 am

Suits me. I plan to avoid that State at all cost anyway. Wife is flying to Texas later this month, pray for her.

kissawookiee September 2, 2011 at 11:09 am

Hey now, texting while driving is already legal in Arizona. Every time a perennially optimistic legislator from blue Baja Arizona suggests it be outlawed, the Maricopa County contingent rises up and beats him to death with their cellphones. Aw, who am I kdding? They shoot him instead.

ttommyunger September 2, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Sounds just like them.

HarrisonForge September 1, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Can't we just cut to the chase and give that entire shithole back to Mexico? "Here guys, it's all yours. Really really sorry about the Alamo. Seriously. What the fuck we were thinking…?"

EatsBabyDingos September 1, 2011 at 6:12 pm

This will not work in Florida. You could raise the limit to a hundred miles an hour, and half the drivers will still be sitting in the left lane going 35 miles an hour with the left blinker on.

hagajim September 1, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Well, now I have yet another reason to stay the fuck out of that state.

PhilippePetain September 1, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Waiter: Well, you look like you're getting the idea, so why don't I give you these, uh, conversation cards? They'll tell you a little about philosophical method,…

TX Rep Lady: Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher!

Tea Party Dipshit: Oh, yeah! He's the one that begins with an 'S'.

TX Rep Lady: Oh.

Tea Party Dipshit: Umm, like, uh, 'Nietzsche'.

TX Rep Lady: Does 'Nietzsche' begin with an 'S'?

Tea Party Dipshit: Uh, there's an 's' in 'Nietzsche'.

TX Rep Lady: Oh, wow. Yes, there is. Do all philosophers have an 's' in them?

Tea Party Dipshit: Uh, yeah! I think most of 'em do.

TX Rep Lady: Oh. Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?

(They then pass legislation based on this conversation.)

NickDanger007 September 1, 2011 at 6:18 pm

I've always agreed with General William Tecumseh Sherman about Texas. "If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell."

DashboardBuddha September 1, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Uh oh…I'm going to Texas in October.

AJWjr. September 1, 2011 at 9:49 pm

The directions are thus: Head east 'til ya smell it, then south 'til ya step in it.

baconzgood September 1, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Late snark:

"The only good Texan is a dead Texan".

-Baconzgood-

(with my apologies to those from Austin, the cool people that showed me a good "punk rock" time in San Antonio, and that couple in Dallas who totally kicked ass)

V572 T-Blow September 1, 2011 at 6:40 pm

I will say this: driving across the Texas panhandle is an experience you want to get through as quickly as possible.

flamingpdog September 1, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Unfortunately, "quickly as possible" never = "as quickly as you'd like".

Fred_Wertham_Jr September 1, 2011 at 6:47 pm

They need to set a minimum allowable blood alcohol level while they're at it.

marandabish September 1, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Perfect photo accompaniment. Am I the only one who recognizes it?

Tommelion September 1, 2011 at 7:19 pm

As a Texan, I propose a 105mph speed limit on rural country roads. I believe this is the only way to let all of our great citizens experience God.

widget2011 September 1, 2011 at 7:24 pm

85 miles an hour is for pussies, just raise the speed limit to 500 miles an hour, we'll show those douche-landers.

ShaveTheWhales September 1, 2011 at 7:56 pm

1. They already drive 85. It's a fucking big state, and those roads go on for-goddam-ever.

2. Even on a lot of modern cars, the steering gear starts to get a little twitchy around 95. This will either provide a natural speed limit or a natural auto-Darwination. Pickups should be particularly exciting.

3. Gas mileage will suffer by 25% or so. I know this should piss me off, but I have so many other things to be pissed off about that if Texans just want to throw their money away, fuck 'em.

owhatever September 1, 2011 at 8:13 pm

So, with a plus-or-minus factor of 5, we got a Texan flying his Winnebago at 90 or so, a drink in his right hand, telephone in his left, steering with his knee while getting a blowjob. But everybody is going the same direction, so what could possibly go wrong?

They are against abortions, but find other ways to prune the herd.

widget2011 September 2, 2011 at 6:21 am

You seem to be framing your argument in a negative fashion, I see it as a win, win, for that sake of sanity.

HolyCow!! September 1, 2011 at 9:20 pm

And it will waste even more gas!

Jukesgrrl September 1, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Don't worry, Vice President Michele Bachmann says she has that covered.

krazyvladimir September 1, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Are the Truknutz rated for 85 mph???

iburl September 1, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Live Fast, Die Young and Remember the Alamo!

Barrelhse September 1, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Texas should lower the driving age to 12 and the drinking age to 11.
Then let 'em go 85, you dismal cunt.

slowhansolo September 1, 2011 at 11:45 pm

I'm all for 85 mph speed limits everywhere. Eventually only the smart, observant and coordinated will remain.

genxr September 2, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Some of them will remain, anyway. The ones smart enough to stay off the roads.

MMathS September 2, 2011 at 12:09 am

100 or GTFO.

Negropolis September 2, 2011 at 2:39 am

I've been to Europe. Europe is a friend of mine. Texas, you're no Europe…well, maybe a Macedonia or Romania (minus their extensive histories, of course), but not REAL Europe.

Kolkhorst? Are you effin' kidding me?

Monsieur_Grumpe September 2, 2011 at 3:44 am

K.E.=1/2*m*V*V
That squared velocity is a bitch Rick.

mourningnmerica September 2, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Make it a hunnerd.

Rouhula September 3, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Why not 88? Then they could use the time machine and jump back to the 19th century. For real.

savethispatient September 1, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Perhaps an extra driving test? A Driving-and-talking licence?

And why not, perhaps also a plain Talking Licence?
"That was an gratuitous mention of Justin Bieber, I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me, Sir. You have the right to remain silent. In fact, we prefer it."

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