new 85mph speed limit!

Illuminati Plan To Kill Off Texans Approved By Texas Lawmakers

'Them are making a pornographic movie, Texas style!'A secret plan by the New World Order to kill off America’s most dangerous people, the Texans, is moving forward as an actual law now that the Texas House of Representatives has approved an 85mph speed limit in the nation’s second most populous state. Cloaked experts from the Council of Malthusian Relations announced from their Temple today that Texans may be reduced by as much as a third in the coming year. “They have high-speed roadways in Europe, and there could be some merit in having some of those highways in Texas,” said Republican Rep. Lois Kolkhorst, who introduced the bill while reading from a glossy brochure provided to her by the Club of Rome’s population reduction propaganda office.

Secret globalist and “former Democrat” Rick Perry is expected to approve the bill, as his goal is to kill off whatever Texans he cannot enslave in FEMA camps.

The AP bureau in Austin reports that even generally evil insurance companies are taken aback by the Republican plan to kill off the main source of Republican votes: drunken old white people driving terribly and not wearing seatbelts because they hate Ralph Nader.

“Obviously, the two things that kill most people on our highways are speed and alcohol. Increasing it to 85, or even 75, will have a dramatic impact on the death and injury rate on those highways where it’s implemented,” said Jerry Johns, a spokesman for the Southwestern Insurance Information Service.

The spokesman noted that Texans already speed way beyond the 70mph posted limit, so they’ll probably think it’s okay to drive over 90mph once the new signs go up. [ via Metafilter]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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  1. Crank_Tango

    Why don't they just call it the autobahn and get it over with? Also, you know who else built an autobahn…

      1. Giveusabob

        Which promptly conjured up the image in my mind of Perry stroking his hair to soothing Moog synth tones. I think I need liquor now.

    1. MOG2410

      Hell no! When we lived there you could drive through the liquor stores, unless you wanted to go to the one that was part of the gun store, then you had to get out.

  2. Pristine_ODummy

    Well, isn't that just wonderful. Now they won't have to secede, with all the icky mess that that entails.

    1. Boredw/Gravitas

      Motorcycle helmets are already optional. That was one of the very first laws Dubya passed as governor. There's nothing like the wind through your hair just before your brain smashes all over the pavement.

      1. Beowoof

        When searching for a motorcycle helmet, the best advice I saw was to buy the helmet you think your head is worth. I see the Texans who don't wear them are spending the appropriate amount of money

  3. SorosBot

    Maybe the legislature figured that god was trying to kill Texas with the summer-long extreme heat wave and the wildfires, and figured they'd help the process along.

  4. charlesdegoal

    Oil interests are obviously behind this move, which will cause consumption to increase significantly – at least for as long as drivers remain alive.

    1. weejee

      Radio at 85 mph, the M of the chubby cheeks of the average Texican will still be short of escape velocity, Ve = √ 2GM/r. Oh, never mind. You didn’t say a successful launch now did ya?

      1. flamingpdog

        From looking at the Texans of WalMart website, I'd say they're much more interested in a successful lunch.

  5. OzoneTom

    “They have high-speed roadways in Europe, and there could be some merit in having some of those highways in Texas,” said Republican Rep. Lois Kolkhorst…

    What's next, high-speed rail? Socialized medicine?

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      And safety glass. Heck, force every car to carry its gas tank outside its bumpers with a big bullseye on it. Let's make this happen folks!

  6. Lucidamente1

    Yeah, well Montana abolished speed limits on its interstates back in the 1990s, so Texans are still a bunch of pussies.

  7. ManchuCandidate

    Now it's a race to see what kills Tejans first.
    1) Kinetic Energy (small metal projectiles division — guns)
    2) Poor Healthcare
    3) Kinetic Energy (big metal projectiles division – cars)
    4) Obesity
    5) Chemicals (petro or otherwise)
    6) Heat
    7) Water (lack of it)
    8) Stupidity

    1. Rotundo_

      Don't forget that miracle enhancement to all eight: Alcohol, in combination with any of the others will speed up the process too! Just a few ounces of Darwin Juice in their systems will help exacerbate any mode of death the proud folk of Tejas choose, and having known a few, they will probably have multiple paths at once! Will Bubba get shot, crash his four by four into a bridge abutment or another vehicle, will he just keep going until his liver goes? All at the same time? Hey anythings possible with alcohol, vehicles and stupid!

  8. rambone

    Shooting a rifle in the air whilst whooping just isn't the same unless the Texans are also driving at a speed higher than their IQ. Ergo 70 mph should suffice.

  9. metamarcisf

    I'm with Perry: if our Founding Foreskins had wanted a speed limit they would have written it into the constitution. That they did not implicitly tells us that they wanted citizens to drive their cars as fast as they can all the time. Just like dogs eat as much as they can all the time.

  10. BornInATrailer

    Does Texas still have drive thru liquor stores? Because, if you combined that and the new speed limit with an EZ-Pass like system, it would make for some really quick runs to the package store. That's progress.

    1. ph7

      Well, Upshur County's drier than an empty bottle
      Since the Mormon's come to town, yeah
      And to run out of beer, thats a run to Gladewater
      Highway 79 thirty miles on down now
      You know, fair is fair but life's a gamble
      When it's eleven forty-five, yeah
      And it's a toss of the coin to see who's got fifteen minutes
      To make a thirty minute drive

    2. V572 T-Blow

      You just roll down the window and the "clerk" pitches in a six-pack of shitty beer. Heaven on wheels!

  11. genxr

    Who needs high speed rail?

    Also, I'm thinking about what it's going to be like stuck in gridlock on I-35, staring at the 85mph speed limit sign and an old man passing you with a walker.

    1. DoktorThompson

      Ding ding ding.

      I was thinking the same thing, but I-45 and I-10 in Houston. They're goddamn eight-lane parking lots.

    2. metamarcisf

      Never mind that. You forgot to fill out those TPS reports. We're using TPS reports on our cover sheets now. Did you get the memo?

  12. UnionAgitator

    The safety conscious Texan who introduced the bill is State Rep. Lois Kolkhorst.

    She chairs the Public Health Committee; so she should know what’s best for Texas.

    My advice: She should kick-off the Europeanization of Texas by not shaving her armpits.

  13. badseeds

    Good. Now we unfortunate passers-through can get in and out of that fucking shithole of a state that much faster.

    1. Negropolis

      If you can get out before your drunk-driven into a concrete median by some wasted redneck in Wichita Falls.

  14. Goonemeritus

    Yes now repeal the open container law and make bolting those longhorn things on your hood mandatory. It’s the only way we can be assured of thinning those hoveround's at the same time.

    1. emmelemm

      Apropos of nothing, this morning I saw a truck with the full skull/longhorns bolted straight to the front grill. In Seattle. It was… inappropriate and incongruous.

  15. CrunchyKnee

    Aint nothing says freedumb and 'Merica better than a fat bubba driving a 2 ton SUV at 85 MPH, while his peroxided big haired wife talks to momma on her cell, and the future date rapers and cheerleaders watch DVDs of some inane Disney crap in the back. USA!


    700 new laws were approved yesterday. Examples:
    1. "A driver may not allow a child under 18 to ride in a watercraft while it is being towed on a street or highway." Rednecks beware.
    2. Gun owners, go all hard-ass. "Voters will be required to present a driver license, personal identification certificate, military identification, election identification certificate, United States citizenship certificate passport, or concealed handgun license to participate in an election ."
    3. Arm up those jet-skis.
    You can finally bring your gun onto your boat or watercraft. To settle maritime disputes, we guess. Because Texas legislators are pussies, the gun has to be kept out of "plain view."
    4. Minors: Change your FB status before you sext.
    Minors sexting now face misdemeanor charges, but the Department of Public Safety does point out a loophole: "This does not apply to minors involved in a dating relationship or spouses." We believe we have never heard a more elastic term than "dating relationship" when it comes to teens.
    5. Hunters may now take aim at feral hogs from the air under a law that allows hog hunting from helicopters, which is bad news for hogs, but good news for property owners.

    Check link for precious pic:

    1. zhubajie

      Can these air-hunters tell a feral hog from a domestic hog? Some of these helos might end up being shot down by angry farmers.

      1. not that Dewey

        Can these air-hunters tell a feral hog from a Texas resident? Some of these angry farmers might end up being shot.

  17. Rotundo_

    Going from "The Lone Star State" to "The Organ Donor State" works for me, nuke the seatbelt, helmet, and speed laws and drop the drinking age to 13 and watch those transplantable innards pile up in the coolers. Honest Tex's Used People Parts, Texas has a big heart, and it's available for transplant if'n you got caish munny.

  18. Goonemeritus

    Just the laboratory of democracy addressing our intractable healthcare cost problem. No one survives an 85 MPH wreck in a pickup. Thank God for this out of the box thinking by one of our greatest States.

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Now, if the Texas Legislature would only require all Texans to carry guns in their cars, we would not have to worry about Texas at all after about 9 months.

  20. BklynIlluminati

    I am here to verify that yes, my associates and I have indeed hatched this diabolical plan. But our motives are rather shall we say low brow… I'm embarrassed to say this is really just about an office pool closest to projected number of high impact deaths will it take for Texas to put the speed limit back. I know i know frigging boring around the office these days just messing with Glen Beck.

  21. savethispatient

    What's all the fuss, 85 mph on a freeway should be fine – you're all travelling in same direction, the relative speed difference between cars should be relatively small. Most road accidents involving too high a speed happen on minor roads, I thought.

    Of course, European motorways are generally smoother and wider than American freeways and they also have a strong central barrier, not just a ditch. And driving drunk, talking on the phone, or generally not paying attention should be strictly prohibited, but that's always true, no matter the speed limit.

    What I'm really saying is: Seattle drivers, GET OUTTA MY WAY!

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      We have a stretch of "testing" highway here in Utah that uses this speed limit. We apparently are passing the test since the fatality rate on this stretch hasn't changed. Not that it makes any difference what the speed limit on our freeways is since most of us travel at about 90 anyway

      1. savethispatient

        That makes me want to move to Utah! Seattle drivers insist on creating a 3-lane wide rolling road block doing 53 mph. Slower if it's especially sunny or raining.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Most schools in the U.S. cut driver's ed years ago. So if you don't learn it from Mommy, you don't learn it. Where's my teasing comb?

  22. genxr

    You know what scares me most about driving in Texas? the fact that major freeways have intersections instead of on/off ramps. Honest to god intersections, without stop lights. Just a farm road intersecting the freeway. When you're on that farm road and it crosses a freeway, you stop, look both ways, and then drive right across. Nothing like cruising at 70mph knowing the guy sitting in that pickup truck is wondering if he has enough time to pull out in front of you.

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      Heck, the highways in Iowa had curbs for years. God forbid your tire blows and you take out some corn instead of taking out oncoming traffic. Corn Rulez!

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Rick Perry is the new James Dean: Live sanctimoniously, die wrinkled and crazy, leave a hideously mangled corpse.

  24. slamtundra

    It's already 85 on I-10 in west Texas where there's nothing to hit but deer. I don't have time to read – does this mean it's going to all 85 all the time in Texas starting today? Yee-haw, git after it ya'll. Even if they don't all die in fiery crashes, I bet it's gonna burn up them billfolds. It gets expensive to fill up that V10 Dodge 4×4 crew cab pickup twice a week just commuting to work. But hey, they can just get a couple more of them minimum wage Texas Miracle jobs for gas money, so it's cool. Stupid fucking bastards.

    1. genxr

      It's okay. they'll blame Obama for the high gas prices. And going to all the funerals will just make them madder come election time.

  25. angryclownspawn

    O/T but Mr. Angryclownspawn got a speeding ticket on the Autobahn this summer. At least the Europeans understand proper lane usage. I shudder to think of how that will work in Texas.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      Was it one of those arrive-in-the-mail-later jobs they're so fond of in Old Europe? What a great reminder of your trip that makes, three months later.

  26. ttommyunger

    Not to be outdone, I'm sure Air-Head-Zona will up their Limit to 95 along with legalizing open containers and texting while driving…I love the smell of Death in the morning, it smells like……Texas, or Arizona, or both.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      Plus live-fire weapons testing because why not. They shoot out all the fucking signs all the time anyway.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      As far as I can tell, Arizonans have always considered "speed limit" to mean "suggested starting point."

      1. ttommyunger

        Suits me. I plan to avoid that State at all cost anyway. Wife is flying to Texas later this month, pray for her.

    3. kissawookiee

      Hey now, texting while driving is already legal in Arizona. Every time a perennially optimistic legislator from blue Baja Arizona suggests it be outlawed, the Maricopa County contingent rises up and beats him to death with their cellphones. Aw, who am I kdding? They shoot him instead.

  27. HarrisonForge

    Can't we just cut to the chase and give that entire shithole back to Mexico? "Here guys, it's all yours. Really really sorry about the Alamo. Seriously. What the fuck we were thinking…?"

  28. EatsBabyDingos

    This will not work in Florida. You could raise the limit to a hundred miles an hour, and half the drivers will still be sitting in the left lane going 35 miles an hour with the left blinker on.

  29. PhilippePetain

    Waiter: Well, you look like you're getting the idea, so why don't I give you these, uh, conversation cards? They'll tell you a little about philosophical method,…

    TX Rep Lady: Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher!

    Tea Party Dipshit: Oh, yeah! He's the one that begins with an 'S'.

    TX Rep Lady: Oh.

    Tea Party Dipshit: Umm, like, uh, 'Nietzsche'.

    TX Rep Lady: Does 'Nietzsche' begin with an 'S'?

    Tea Party Dipshit: Uh, there's an 's' in 'Nietzsche'.

    TX Rep Lady: Oh, wow. Yes, there is. Do all philosophers have an 's' in them?

    Tea Party Dipshit: Uh, yeah! I think most of 'em do.

    TX Rep Lady: Oh. Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?

    (They then pass legislation based on this conversation.)

  30. NickDanger007

    I've always agreed with General William Tecumseh Sherman about Texas. "If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell."

  31. baconzgood

    Late snark:

    "The only good Texan is a dead Texan".


    (with my apologies to those from Austin, the cool people that showed me a good "punk rock" time in San Antonio, and that couple in Dallas who totally kicked ass)

  32. V572 T-Blow

    I will say this: driving across the Texas panhandle is an experience you want to get through as quickly as possible.

  33. Tommelion

    As a Texan, I propose a 105mph speed limit on rural country roads. I believe this is the only way to let all of our great citizens experience God.

  34. widget2011

    85 miles an hour is for pussies, just raise the speed limit to 500 miles an hour, we'll show those douche-landers.

  35. ShaveTheWhales

    1. They already drive 85. It's a fucking big state, and those roads go on for-goddam-ever.

    2. Even on a lot of modern cars, the steering gear starts to get a little twitchy around 95. This will either provide a natural speed limit or a natural auto-Darwination. Pickups should be particularly exciting.

    3. Gas mileage will suffer by 25% or so. I know this should piss me off, but I have so many other things to be pissed off about that if Texans just want to throw their money away, fuck 'em.

  36. owhatever

    So, with a plus-or-minus factor of 5, we got a Texan flying his Winnebago at 90 or so, a drink in his right hand, telephone in his left, steering with his knee while getting a blowjob. But everybody is going the same direction, so what could possibly go wrong?

    They are against abortions, but find other ways to prune the herd.

    1. widget2011

      You seem to be framing your argument in a negative fashion, I see it as a win, win, for that sake of sanity.

  37. Barrelhse

    Texas should lower the driving age to 12 and the drinking age to 11.
    Then let 'em go 85, you dismal cunt.

  38. Negropolis

    I've been to Europe. Europe is a friend of mine. Texas, you're no Europe…well, maybe a Macedonia or Romania (minus their extensive histories, of course), but not REAL Europe.

    Kolkhorst? Are you effin' kidding me?

  39. savethispatient

    Perhaps an extra driving test? A Driving-and-talking licence?

    And why not, perhaps also a plain Talking Licence?
    "That was an gratuitous mention of Justin Bieber, I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me, Sir. You have the right to remain silent. In fact, we prefer it."

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