system fail

Michele Bachmann’s Analysis: Obama Hopes No One Watches Jobs Speech

sorry, no valid updates available at this time.The drugged circuit boards in Michele Bachmann’s mental Windows Vista operating system ran some kind of analysis akin to a trapped fly trying to fight its way out of a jar of glue with net result computation that Barack Obama only wanted to schedule his originally-planned September 7 jobs speech at the same time as the California GOP debate so that no one would pay any attention to it. “Either a) he wants to distract the American people so they don’t watch him, or b) he doesn’t want the American people to hear what the next president of the United States is going to say,” Bachmann told a sparsely assembled gathering of nimrods in Iowa. See what she did there? In a normal “either/or” construction, the speaker is usually obligated to present two competing alternatives, but Michele’s analysis is so sound she figured she’d offer the same theory twice. “Either he doesn’t want anyone to watch, or he doesn’t want anyone to pay attention!”  

Good analysis, System Error Sister! The President will start scheduling all his major addresses under whatever mad GOP clown hump is airing on cable news from now on every third day and while America finally slips into an irreversible anusburger-induced coma. Maybe then Barack Obama’s real socialist army takeover can begin.

From CNN:

“Does this show maybe a little insecurity on the part of the president?” Bachmann asked.

The candidate spoke at the Des Moines stop on the Tea Party Express’ fifth national tour. The rally’s sparse attendance was unusual for a tea party rally – especially one attended by a presidential candidate as popular with activists as Bachmann.

Though there was no firm way to count the exact number in the audience, it was certainly not in the thousands or hundreds – and very likely was under 100.

Oh well, there are always 100 or so people who never tire of watching frozen computer screens, for fun. [CNN]

What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Bachmannn must actually believe her own hype.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Of course, otherwise she'd have something called shame.

    • Terry

      God and Marcus have told her what to say, so why shouldn't she believe it?

    • MichelesPantalones

      You know, when you talk about Bachmann as if she were a normal person, with normal mental processes, I think you miss the whole point of the work of art that is Michele Bachmann. Her brow is smooth because it has never been furrowed by thought. I imagine she functions like a little obsessive-compulsive automaton, with a constant background chatter in her head listing all the tasks for the day and then running down the subtasks, permutations of tasks, persons tasked with performing said tasks, etc., until periodically some unrelated words pop out of her mouth.

      I can't believe I once thought she had more between her ears than Palin.

  • Barb

    “Does this show maybe a little insecurity on the part of the president?”
    Yes, remember when he went running from the Oval office bathroom screaming that he was being "held against his will" when someone asked him a question, Michele. Oh, and how he won't let anyone photograph him in casual clothes?

    Michele, are you afraid that someone will take a photo of you in jeans and the caption will read, "Do These Jeans Make My Ass Look Crazy?" Honey, it's not the jeans.

    • V572 T-Blow

      It's cargo pants. According to Ryan Lizza in the New Yorker Miche1e in cargo pants is more than the American public can bear.

      • Barb

        I'd like to see a cargo run her ass over. Pffttttt, Karma doesn't work on Thursdays, I am safe.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Personally, I like a crazy ass.

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        As in "that's some crazy ass shit you said during the debate". Or "that was some crazy ass shit you said about Iraq and 9/11". Or "that was some crazy ass shit you said about lowering taxes will increase revenue."

      • Fare la Volpe

        And I'm quite a fan of DAT ASS.

    • zhubajie

      Maybe she has no ass to reveal!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She's like an ambulatory Blue Screen of Death her damn self.

    • LiveToServeYa

      A veritable wandering Null Exception, indeed.

    • freakishlywrong

      She is the ME of Operating System politicos, (remember THAT piece of shit, nerds)?

      • OneDollarJuana

        I liked rebooting several times a day. Gave me time to read.

      • MichelesPantalones

        Oh pleez gawd. Why did you have to bring that up? I had BURIED those memories!

    • fuflans

      i was reading this posting and my computer crashed and went into a vicious reboot / shut down spiral.

      this is a true story and i blame sheley.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      What about Microsoft Bob? Does anyone remember that POS?

  • Ducksworthy

    Actually I think Obammers made the right decision here. Hopefully all of Amurikkka will get to watch the vicious poo flinging contest in murderous old white Simi Valley.

  • capnhuggyface

    either she's crazy or she's insane

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Or — and I'm only playing devil's advocate* — she's normal and everyone else is crazy (or insane).
      _________________________
      * advocating for actual devil. Do not attempt.

      • MichelesPantalones

        Biely's gonna be really happy with you. I think.

    • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

      She may even be breaking new ground: InterUnSane (TM)

  • Lascauxcaveman

    "System Error Sister" would be a good name for an all-girl electro-funk band.

    • baconzgood

      They could open for Los Amigos Invisibles. That would be an awsom concert.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Or as we say in my world: "0x80004005 and the NuTones".

    • Fare la Volpe

      They could go on tour with Tongue-Punching Fart-Boxes.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Better would be a band dedicated to Disco/BeeGees versions of Guns & Roses tunes, fronted by a Marcus Bachmann imitator.

    • MichelesPantalones

      If it has anything at all to do with Bachmann, I'd prefer "Stabbin' and a-Stabbin' and a-Stabbin'."

  • nounverb911

    Don't the people of Iowa have better things to do like harvest baseball player infested corn fields instead of listening to this drone?

    • Steverino247

      If you fuck up, they will come.

    • flamingpdog

      Drone? Couldn't we just strap her to one of those jet backpacks they promised us back in the ol' daze, stuff an M-80 in her mouth and up her ass, and send her off to take out the 911th Al Qaeda #2? Win for everyone!

    • MichelesPantalones

      Why d'you think so few turned up?

    • zhubajie

      Of course! That's why most of them weren't there!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Shelly you silly projector you.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants
    • SorosBot

      Eeeeew, that hag? No way.

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Ahhh…
      Thanks for that!
      Now I can start my day on a high note!

    • MichelesPantalones

      I have learned so much today.

  • metamarcisf

    Reading that statement of hers again, it's easy to understand why Bachmann suffers from chronic migraines.

    • V572 T-Blow

      This "statement" also challenged general principles of syntax: "The drugged circuit boards in Michele Bachmann’s mental Windows Vista operating system ran some kind of analysis akin to a trapped fly trying to fight its way out of a jar of glue with net result computation that Barack Obama only wanted to schedule his originally-planned September 7 jobs speech at the same time as the California GOP debate so that no one would pay any attention to it."

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        You liberals and your sin taxes.

    • Barb

      Chronic migraines? See what happens when you don't get a little porn into your life now and then?

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        A little porn!?! So that's what I'm doing wrong.

    • flamingpdog

      Remember, she has to listen to her voice all day. I'd have migraines if I had to do that.

  • Pragmatist2

    She missed the point, when you take out the Republican debate audience you can use multiple syllable words

  • GuanoFaucet

    False dichotomy is false.

  • LesBontemps

    What, because the entire teevee-watching public is going to be so riveted to the GOP's shouty Gong Show re-make?

    • MichelesPantalones

      I get the feeling most people will rely on YouTube for the haha snippets.

  • CapnFatback

    I believe she was implying with choice B that Obama was trying to redirect possible viewers of the Republican candidate debate to his speech: ergo the "next president of the United States" line.

    She's clearly talking about Newt Gingrich.

  • ttommyunger

    Now might be a good time to dial the Meds back a bit, Michele.

    • jodyleek

      I thought it was a bad idea for schizophrenics to go off their drugs? If anything, we should encourage her to take more to either mitigate her symptoms or for the lulz.

      • ttommyunger

        Whichever fucks her up the quickest.

        • MichelesPantalones

          You're cruel. I like that in a person.

          • ttommyunger

            What's not to like?

  • nounverb911

    Needs more shoots-paw!

  • DaRooster

    WOW!! Maybe 100… you guys ROCK!
    Can we officially say that the Tea Party is over yet?

    • fuflans

      not as long as cantor's in charge of the house.

    • HedonismBot

      No, they're just all attending rallies for/stalking their new hero – Rick "I used to be a liberal but now I'm a born-again cowboy neocon" Perry. These people have the attention span of a gnat.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Michele Bachmann’s mental Windows Vista operating system ran some kind of analysis akin to a trapped fly trying to fight its way out of a jar of glue .

    You're being way too kind to Sister System Error describing it that way.

  • MildMidwesterner

    I keep the blinds shut when I don't want people to watch.

  • bureaucrap

    I disagree that she is making the same statement twice. However inarticulately stated, she is saying either a) BO wants no-one to watch him; or b) BO wants no-one to watch the other guys. There's probably no overlap in the potential audience for either, in any case. Teatards want their a**-licking candidates; libtards want to see BO keep hope alive (by proposing a jobs program will be substantial, real, and adequate) but expect that BO is going to stink (by proposing a jobs "program" that is symbolic, merely rhetorical, inadequate, and/or counterproductive).

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      You're right, which makes her statement even stupider. BO would want exactly the opposite of a) and b).

  • Jughead2130

    Either everyone is tired of her or no one wants to listen to her anymore

    • chicken_thief

      Or it wasn't hoveround accessible and there were no free corn dogs.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Haven't these politicians heard of TIVO or the YouTube???

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      They haven't even heard of videotape. They say dumbass things and figure no one will ever know.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    “Does this show maybe a little insecurity on the part of the president?”

    Oh, Michele…somebody married to a closeted homosexual should never speak about insecurity.

    • chicken_thief

      I'm sure in his world his affinity for sucking cock and having penises rammed up his ass in no way makes him a "homosexual".

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      President Romney can appoint her head of Homeland Insecurity.

    • zhubajie

      Do you think she knows?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The real problem with Obama's speech isn't the timing is that he has no inflation/deficit/Keynsian short term levers to pull to create jobs after the debt ceiling debacle. He could skip the speech and have it posted at whitehouse.gov for all the good it will do.

    Regarding Shelly, "are you stupid or are you really stupid" works for me.

    • fuflans

      and certainly can't get a short term stimulus – the one all respected economists are calling for – out of this rock bottom congress.

  • edgydrifter

    I used to think it was my imagination, but I'm growing increasingly convinced that I can actually see the cartoon head-injury stars and twittering birds orbiting her head when she speaks.

  • mavenmaven

    Unfortunately he played this is a way that allows people to say this. We can only hope that he's got something up his sleeve that will dramatically change the way things are currently looking.

  • http://www.wonkette.com John Birf Society

    Her logic is rooted in string theory. Take a single string vibrating in 11-dimensional space. Twist this string into a ball. Then bat this ball like a kitten. Questions?

    • Oblios_Cap

      "logic", eh?

  • nounverb911

    Her programming is stuck in an infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop ….

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      ♪♫ Do wah ditty do loop ♫♪

  • CapnFatback

    “Either a) he wants to distract the American people so they don’t watch him

    Quick, someone check Yogi Berra's closet for a Michele Bachmann costume.

    • prommie

      Only 100 people showed up at the rally? I guess noone goes to tea party rallies anymore, because they are too crowded.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Thank you, Insane Eye for the Black Guy.

  • DaRooster

    Yep, Obama is insecure…so insecure in fact that he thought he wanted to be the First Black President of the United States! And he is… now STFU!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, he's a bigshot now. He was even on Jeopardy last night.

    • chicken_thief

      Well, it does depend on who you ask…. according to Herman Cain, a REAL black 'Murkan, Hussein ain't quite black enough.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Michele wil never win the GOP nomination and neither will she.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Is Obama provoking the crazies? I hope.

    • MichelesPantalones

      I suspect he's beaming scramble-rays straight at her brain. Unfortunately, she can't wear her tinfoil hat in public.

  • Crank_Tango

    So Bachmann is just German for "blue screen of death"? I am not sure that's right, but it so is.

    • flamingpdog

      "blue screech of death"

      /corrected

  • baconzgood

    Michele Bachmann’s analysis. For some reason when I read that it feels like a set up for a joke.

    • chicken_thief

      Marcus always gets all weak kneed before one can finish that third word.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Or a Woody Allen standup routine.

  • baconzgood

    Either I'm going to snark or I'm going to say somthing sarcastically funny.

  • freakishlywrong

    And then she jumped on the back of the Jesus dinosaur and galloped away to help the founders fight slavery.

  • Come here a minute

    Michele can't be bothered with too deep of an analysis of the president's motives, she is too busy dereferencing a self-referential pointer.

  • Troglodeity

    Does this show maybe a little cunning on the President's side, and idiocy on Boehner/Cantor's/Bachmann's? They could have moved the debate back by an hour so that (1) there'd be a presidential joint session lead-in to the debate and (2) all of the Republican candidates could hammer on what Obama just said and have the last word. Instead: (1) Obama's speech will be just before the opening NFL games – guaranteeing a larger audience, and (2) Obama will have the last word and be able to counter all the lame Republican ideas. Nicely played by the President.

    • V572 T-Blow

      Ah, the 3-D chess, long game analysis. Compare with the previous post, where there was much bleating about Obama's latest "failure." Very good! This was of course overlooked by MSM, which likes to focus on who "wins the day." They don't give a shit about jobs either, as they have them.

    • baconzgood

      And all he had to do is look spineless.

      • DaRooster

        And too bad… but he is getting good at it. Please no more giving in to them… they don't deserve it.

  • Guppy06

    "what the next president of the United States is going to say"

    "Derp?"

  • smitallica

    The only way to guarantee no one will watch the speech is to schedule it opposite a telecast of Michele being repeatedly clubbed with one of Marcus's rubber cocks, with the balls as the business end.

    • chicken_thief

      Awh, thank you for the heart warming mental image of the loving couple, hand in hand, out shopping for love toys suitable for satisfying both of them – love, even for crazy 60-sumpins, is a beautiful thing!

    • MichelesPantalones

      I would be willing to wield this instrument on TV.

  • freakishlywrong

    He chose someone from Harvard with a Ph.D., and someone who works in the Treasury Department and the Department of Labor and now is teaching at Princeton,” Bachmann said. “There is no private-sector experience in their background. They have not created wealth. They have not run a business.

    Gasp! What a loser! And this from an asshat politico who's collected a gubbmint paycheck her entire career.

    • SorosBot

      Uh, yeah; business executives are the absolutely last people you want in a position with government power. I'd pick the homeless guy who usually begs on the corner near my office before any CEO.

    • fuflans

      she would have us pick what? the guy who started a balloon delivery service? or that fat gal that invented the freedom tray?

      that should go well shelley.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Perhaps Dyson should be on her campaign team. He could vacuum her inefficient brain out of her ear and replace it with one that works properly.

        • MichelesPantalones

          I thought you said "Tyson" for a minute. I was having visions of her with just the one ear.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      There is no private-sector experience in their background.

      Harvard and Princenton are part of the private sector.
      And the government here is not about creating wealth. If you want to create wealth from the presidency, go to the Soviet Union, if you can find it!

      • Native_of_SL_UT

        That's where the confusion starts with Republicans. They get into government to increase their personal wealth, so that's what they think the government is for.

  • GuanoFaucet

    I see Bachmann already started prepping for the logical fallacy special olympics to be held next Wednesday.

  • Indiepalin

    Making fun of our Jewish Sisters is no way to get to heaven, people.

  • freakishlywrong

    You know what's going to be fun? Watching ole crazy mouth there have to skulk back in to congress when she inevitably loses this thing. The shunning and awkward cold shoulders will be delish.

    • MichelesPantalones

      She can't. She gave up her seat, she's not running for re-election. So this is it, for her.

  • hagajim

    I think Obama wanted to make that speech then so he could announce that we start drilling for oil in the Everglades – now!

  • Wonderthing

    If all the idiots in the USA vote for her she wins in a landslide. Let's all stay home and not vote. We'll show them. We'll spend the next four years wandering through the crumbling ruins of our former country, begging for food and putting band-aids on compound fractures, pregnant and barefoot, carrying a worn copy of the Bible to the "Pray The Smart Away" mandatory reframing farms.

  • SorosBot

    Yeah, the original scheduling Obama didn't want anyone to hear his speech, because everyone in America tunes in to every single one of the countless GOP primary debates and stays riveted to them, it's not just hardcore political junkies and people like us who like to mock the crazies that watch.

    • fuflans

      just ask those 90 some odd people who showed up to hear michele speak.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    I, for one, am glad Obama moved the date. I don't want it to cut into our Repuke debate live blog, which, if it is anything like the last one, will be fucking epic.

  • mumbly_joe

    If Obama trying to bigfoot the debate is because he doesn't want anyone to watch his speech, then in that case, what's the significance of the GOP debate on September 7th being broadcast on MSNBC, hmmmm????

    WHAT IS THE GOP TRYING TO HIDE FROM THE MERKIN PEOPLE

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The best way to ask Shelly a question about herself is the time honored and always appropriate "or what" usage.

    "Are you an asshole or what?'
    "Is your husband gay or what?"

    Etc.

  • DoktorThompson

    10 PRINT "SAY SOMETHING CRAZY"
    20 GOTO 10
    RUN

    • genxr

      She's got an 8 bit brain trying to make it in a 64 bit world.

  • Moonbat

    So, wait, he asked for a Joint Session of Congress so nobody'd pay attention to what he'd say? Timing issues aside, if he really didn't want people to listen to what he had to say, couldn't he just hold a press conference? Or deliver the speech in East Nowhere, Kentucky? Or, you know, not give a speech?

    I swear I have paperweights with more on the ball than Sister System Error. Sheesh.

    • chicken_thief

      Or tag along with her and give the speech to the <100 that she was able to draw?

      • Native_of_SL_UT

        Or do another interview with Bill O'Reilly?

        • MichelesPantalones

          She pisses even BillO off.

  • Trannysurprise

    "Though there was no firm way to count the exact number in the audience…"

    WTF, was this reporter some type of mutant with no fingers?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Lost them in a combine harvester accident.

      • flamingpdog
        • MichelesPantalones

          How could you?

          • flamingpdog

            I'm one sick puppy.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Yeah, it was a sparsely attended rally, because a new Country Kitchen Buffet had just opened down the street.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I first read that as Kourtney Kitchen Buffet. Don't know why.

      • MichelesPantalones

        I have a suspicion.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    "The drugged circuit boards in Michele Bachmann’s mental Windows Vista operating system…"

    I love you, KBJ.

    • MichelesPantalones

      I'm startin' to develop a bit of a crush on her my own self.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Wait until the wingnuts figure out that having this before the first NFL game of the season is a way better time slot, and come up with some specious, racially-tinged theory about it. Like, Obama is black and so are most NFL players, so that gives him an unfair advantage, like the blacks are always getting….I think I have just written Pat Buchanan's next column.

  • mereoblivion

    "See what she did there?"
    I think I see what Gawd A'mighty did there, when Gawd A'mighty made Michele.

  • Not_So_Much

    The sad fact is that her extreme stoopid is playing so well with not just Teabaggers, but a big chunk of the normal(?) gop voters. It's like she and Perry are in a dipshit death match to see who can say the most demonstrably false and stupid thing, but still get rousing applause for it.

  • HelmutNewton

    "The rally’s sparse attendance was unusual for a tea party rally…"

    Flying Spaghetti Monster, I hate the MSM! There hasn't been a well-attended teabagger rally since the 2010 election! Teabaggers have always been corporate sock-puppets, yet the media still treats them as if they are a genuine "grassroots" movement. (bangs head against wall)

    • proudgrampa

      Please, do not take FSM's name in vain, goddammit!

      • genxr

        Great googley noodley!

    • fuflans

      exactly. i have been bitching about this ONE ALL IMPORTANT fact since santelli threw his temper tantrum and spawned an obese scooter driven snitfit masquerading as a political party.

      the republicans, the country, the congress, the global economy all are terrified of a phantom movement behind which lie two obscenely rich koch brothers.

      ick i've just pissed myself off AGAIN.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Couldn't we settle this by having the Koch Brothers square off vs. Soros and Buffett, all of them using their vast wealth to create superior death robots to launch against the other side?

    • MichelesPantalones

      They're blatantly lying. There is no Tea Party, yet they keep referring to this batshit insane woman (and several of the other candidates) as "tea party darlings." The "darlings" have "rallies" of 30-100 people, and these are covered mindlessly, with not a single question regarding the framing, or even questioning the huge drop in numbers. No analysis at all. Polls over the past 1.5 years have shown the teabaggers' favourability dropping like a stone, while their unfavourables are climbing sky-high.

      Yet, our "liberal media" could be buggered to report on the huge numbers of people that turn out at anti-war rallies or labour union rallies or to protest the tar sands or any of that stuff. They'd rather cover 35 people who are willing to listen to Michele Bachmann talking crazy shit.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    The candidate spoke at the Des Moines stop on the Tea Party Express’ fifth national tour. The rally’s sparse attendance was unusual for a tea party rally – back up there a doggone second, KBJ, it said their FIFTH national tour.
    Iowans enjoy meeting a presidential candidate once or twice, but it starts to wear thin after a while.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    At least we know jobs, jobs, jobs is MB's #1 priority. When Congress is back in session, she will be there Day One to introduce her own jobs bill.

  • genxr

    Obviously you posted this story because you don't want us to read it.

  • owhatever

    I worry that Michele is not paying enough sexytime attention to her husband, Marcus.

    • DaRooster

      Would you?

  • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

    MeeShill, you see, is merely a shill for 'me', meaning herself – she thinks. Poor thing, she's a mere shill for Marcus' self-loathing. Both are perfect shills for the dark Christianist sharia lords behind them, who prostitute their shills via their dark arts. The result: Mr & Mrs Bachmann = Mr & Mrs Anti-Christ.

    Hold on a minute, I think I'm channeling someone named Herr Friedrich Nietzsche. Oops, lost the signal…

  • fuflans

    i hope i get over my cold by the 7th so i can drink myself silly.

    • genxr

      Get well soon. Playing the crazey eyes debate drinking game with niquil isn't good for anyone.

    • DaRooster

      Drambuie!!
      Good for both…

  • elviouslyqueer

    Cunning stunt is cunning.

  • glamourdammerung

    Too bad that no one is going to be willing to sign off on involuntary commitment so that Bachmann could get the mental health assistance she so desperately needs.