Michele Bachmann’s Analysis: Obama Hopes No One Watches Jobs Speech

  system fail

sorry, no valid updates available at this time.The drugged circuit boards in Michele Bachmann’s mental Windows Vista operating system ran some kind of analysis akin to a trapped fly trying to fight its way out of a jar of glue with net result computation that Barack Obama only wanted to schedule his originally-planned September 7 jobs speech at the same time as the California GOP debate so that no one would pay any attention to it. “Either a) he wants to distract the American people so they don’t watch him, or b) he doesn’t want the American people to hear what the next president of the United States is going to say,” Bachmann told a sparsely assembled gathering of nimrods in Iowa. See what she did there? In a normal “either/or” construction, the speaker is usually obligated to present two competing alternatives, but Michele’s analysis is so sound she figured she’d offer the same theory twice. “Either he doesn’t want anyone to watch, or he doesn’t want anyone to pay attention!”  

Good analysis, System Error Sister! The President will start scheduling all his major addresses under whatever mad GOP clown hump is airing on cable news from now on every third day and while America finally slips into an irreversible anusburger-induced coma. Maybe then Barack Obama’s real socialist army takeover can begin.

From CNN:

“Does this show maybe a little insecurity on the part of the president?” Bachmann asked.

The candidate spoke at the Des Moines stop on the Tea Party Express’ fifth national tour. The rally’s sparse attendance was unusual for a tea party rally – especially one attended by a presidential candidate as popular with activists as Bachmann.

 
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Though there was no firm way to count the exact number in the audience, it was certainly not in the thousands or hundreds – and very likely was under 100.

Oh well, there are always 100 or so people who never tire of watching frozen computer screens, for fun. [CNN]

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158 comments

    1. MichelesPantalones

      You know, when you talk about Bachmann as if she were a normal person, with normal mental processes, I think you miss the whole point of the work of art that is Michele Bachmann. Her brow is smooth because it has never been furrowed by thought. I imagine she functions like a little obsessive-compulsive automaton, with a constant background chatter in her head listing all the tasks for the day and then running down the subtasks, permutations of tasks, persons tasked with performing said tasks, etc., until periodically some unrelated words pop out of her mouth.

      I can't believe I once thought she had more between her ears than Palin.

  1. Barb

    “Does this show maybe a little insecurity on the part of the president?”
    Yes, remember when he went running from the Oval office bathroom screaming that he was being "held against his will" when someone asked him a question, Michele. Oh, and how he won't let anyone photograph him in casual clothes?

    Michele, are you afraid that someone will take a photo of you in jeans and the caption will read, "Do These Jeans Make My Ass Look Crazy?" Honey, it's not the jeans.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      It's cargo pants. According to Ryan Lizza in the New Yorker Miche1e in cargo pants is more than the American public can bear.

      1. JustPixelz

        As in "that's some crazy ass shit you said during the debate". Or "that was some crazy ass shit you said about Iraq and 9/11". Or "that was some crazy ass shit you said about lowering taxes will increase revenue."

    1. fuflans

      i was reading this posting and my computer crashed and went into a vicious reboot / shut down spiral.

      this is a true story and i blame sheley.

  2. Ducksworthy

    Actually I think Obammers made the right decision here. Hopefully all of Amurikkka will get to watch the vicious poo flinging contest in murderous old white Simi Valley.

    1. JustPixelz

      Or — and I'm only playing devil's advocate* — she's normal and everyone else is crazy (or insane).
      _________________________
      * advocating for actual devil. Do not attempt.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      If it has anything at all to do with Bachmann, I'd prefer "Stabbin' and a-Stabbin' and a-Stabbin'."

  3. nounverb911

    Don't the people of Iowa have better things to do like harvest baseball player infested corn fields instead of listening to this drone?

    1. flamingpdog

      Drone? Couldn't we just strap her to one of those jet backpacks they promised us back in the ol' daze, stuff an M-80 in her mouth and up her ass, and send her off to take out the 911th Al Qaeda #2? Win for everyone!

  4. metamarcisf

    Reading that statement of hers again, it's easy to understand why Bachmann suffers from chronic migraines.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      This "statement" also challenged general principles of syntax: "The drugged circuit boards in Michele Bachmann’s mental Windows Vista operating system ran some kind of analysis akin to a trapped fly trying to fight its way out of a jar of glue with net result computation that Barack Obama only wanted to schedule his originally-planned September 7 jobs speech at the same time as the California GOP debate so that no one would pay any attention to it."

  5. Pragmatist2

    She missed the point, when you take out the Republican debate audience you can use multiple syllable words

  6. LesBontemps

    What, because the entire teevee-watching public is going to be so riveted to the GOP's shouty Gong Show re-make?

  7. CapnFatback

    I believe she was implying with choice B that Obama was trying to redirect possible viewers of the Republican candidate debate to his speech: ergo the "next president of the United States" line.

    She's clearly talking about Newt Gingrich.

    1. jodyleek

      I thought it was a bad idea for schizophrenics to go off their drugs? If anything, we should encourage her to take more to either mitigate her symptoms or for the lulz.

    1. HedonismBot

      No, they're just all attending rallies for/stalking their new hero – Rick "I used to be a liberal but now I'm a born-again cowboy neocon" Perry. These people have the attention span of a gnat.

  8. Oblios_Cap

    Michele Bachmann’s mental Windows Vista operating system ran some kind of analysis akin to a trapped fly trying to fight its way out of a jar of glue .

    You're being way too kind to Sister System Error describing it that way.

  9. bureaucrap

    I disagree that she is making the same statement twice. However inarticulately stated, she is saying either a) BO wants no-one to watch him; or b) BO wants no-one to watch the other guys. There's probably no overlap in the potential audience for either, in any case. Teatards want their a**-licking candidates; libtards want to see BO keep hope alive (by proposing a jobs program will be substantial, real, and adequate) but expect that BO is going to stink (by proposing a jobs "program" that is symbolic, merely rhetorical, inadequate, and/or counterproductive).

    1. BTWBFDIMHO

      You're right, which makes her statement even stupider. BO would want exactly the opposite of a) and b).

  10. Chillwaver

    “Does this show maybe a little insecurity on the part of the president?”

    Oh, Michele…somebody married to a closeted homosexual should never speak about insecurity.

    1. chicken_thief

      I'm sure in his world his affinity for sucking cock and having penises rammed up his ass in no way makes him a "homosexual".

  11. donner_froh

    The real problem with Obama's speech isn't the timing is that he has no inflation/deficit/Keynsian short term levers to pull to create jobs after the debt ceiling debacle. He could skip the speech and have it posted at whitehouse.gov for all the good it will do.

    Regarding Shelly, "are you stupid or are you really stupid" works for me.

    1. fuflans

      and certainly can't get a short term stimulus – the one all respected economists are calling for – out of this rock bottom congress.

  12. edgydrifter

    I used to think it was my imagination, but I'm growing increasingly convinced that I can actually see the cartoon head-injury stars and twittering birds orbiting her head when she speaks.

  13. mavenmaven

    Unfortunately he played this is a way that allows people to say this. We can only hope that he's got something up his sleeve that will dramatically change the way things are currently looking.

  14. nounverb911

    Her programming is stuck in an infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop infinite loop ….

  15. CapnFatback

    “Either a) he wants to distract the American people so they don’t watch him

    Quick, someone check Yogi Berra's closet for a Michele Bachmann costume.

    1. prommie

      Only 100 people showed up at the rally? I guess noone goes to tea party rallies anymore, because they are too crowded.

  16. DaRooster

    Yep, Obama is insecure…so insecure in fact that he thought he wanted to be the First Black President of the United States! And he is… now STFU!

    1. chicken_thief

      Well, it does depend on who you ask…. according to Herman Cain, a REAL black 'Murkan, Hussein ain't quite black enough.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      I suspect he's beaming scramble-rays straight at her brain. Unfortunately, she can't wear her tinfoil hat in public.

  17. freakishlywrong

    And then she jumped on the back of the Jesus dinosaur and galloped away to help the founders fight slavery.

  18. Come here a minute

    Michele can't be bothered with too deep of an analysis of the president's motives, she is too busy dereferencing a self-referential pointer.

  19. Troglodeity

    Does this show maybe a little cunning on the President's side, and idiocy on Boehner/Cantor's/Bachmann's? They could have moved the debate back by an hour so that (1) there'd be a presidential joint session lead-in to the debate and (2) all of the Republican candidates could hammer on what Obama just said and have the last word. Instead: (1) Obama's speech will be just before the opening NFL games – guaranteeing a larger audience, and (2) Obama will have the last word and be able to counter all the lame Republican ideas. Nicely played by the President.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      Ah, the 3-D chess, long game analysis. Compare with the previous post, where there was much bleating about Obama's latest "failure." Very good! This was of course overlooked by MSM, which likes to focus on who "wins the day." They don't give a shit about jobs either, as they have them.

  20. smitallica

    The only way to guarantee no one will watch the speech is to schedule it opposite a telecast of Michele being repeatedly clubbed with one of Marcus's rubber cocks, with the balls as the business end.

    1. chicken_thief

      Awh, thank you for the heart warming mental image of the loving couple, hand in hand, out shopping for love toys suitable for satisfying both of them – love, even for crazy 60-sumpins, is a beautiful thing!

  21. freakishlywrong

    He chose someone from Harvard with a Ph.D., and someone who works in the Treasury Department and the Department of Labor and now is teaching at Princeton,” Bachmann said. “There is no private-sector experience in their background. They have not created wealth. They have not run a business.

    Gasp! What a loser! And this from an asshat politico who's collected a gubbmint paycheck her entire career.

    1. SorosBot

      Uh, yeah; business executives are the absolutely last people you want in a position with government power. I'd pick the homeless guy who usually begs on the corner near my office before any CEO.

    2. fuflans

      she would have us pick what? the guy who started a balloon delivery service? or that fat gal that invented the freedom tray?

      that should go well shelley.

        1. MichelesPantalones

          I thought you said "Tyson" for a minute. I was having visions of her with just the one ear.

    3. BTWBFDIMHO

      There is no private-sector experience in their background.

      Harvard and Princenton are part of the private sector.
      And the government here is not about creating wealth. If you want to create wealth from the presidency, go to the Soviet Union, if you can find it!

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        That's where the confusion starts with Republicans. They get into government to increase their personal wealth, so that's what they think the government is for.

  22. GuanoFaucet

    I see Bachmann already started prepping for the logical fallacy special olympics to be held next Wednesday.

  23. freakishlywrong

    You know what's going to be fun? Watching ole crazy mouth there have to skulk back in to congress when she inevitably loses this thing. The shunning and awkward cold shoulders will be delish.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      She can't. She gave up her seat, she's not running for re-election. So this is it, for her.

  24. hagajim

    I think Obama wanted to make that speech then so he could announce that we start drilling for oil in the Everglades – now!

  25. Wonderthing

    If all the idiots in the USA vote for her she wins in a landslide. Let's all stay home and not vote. We'll show them. We'll spend the next four years wandering through the crumbling ruins of our former country, begging for food and putting band-aids on compound fractures, pregnant and barefoot, carrying a worn copy of the Bible to the "Pray The Smart Away" mandatory reframing farms.

  26. SorosBot

    Yeah, the original scheduling Obama didn't want anyone to hear his speech, because everyone in America tunes in to every single one of the countless GOP primary debates and stays riveted to them, it's not just hardcore political junkies and people like us who like to mock the crazies that watch.

  27. mumbly_joe

    If Obama trying to bigfoot the debate is because he doesn't want anyone to watch his speech, then in that case, what's the significance of the GOP debate on September 7th being broadcast on MSNBC, hmmmm????

    WHAT IS THE GOP TRYING TO HIDE FROM THE MERKIN PEOPLE

  28. donner_froh

    The best way to ask Shelly a question about herself is the time honored and always appropriate "or what" usage.

    "Are you an asshole or what?'
    "Is your husband gay or what?"

    Etc.

  29. Moonbat

    So, wait, he asked for a Joint Session of Congress so nobody'd pay attention to what he'd say? Timing issues aside, if he really didn't want people to listen to what he had to say, couldn't he just hold a press conference? Or deliver the speech in East Nowhere, Kentucky? Or, you know, not give a speech?

    I swear I have paperweights with more on the ball than Sister System Error. Sheesh.

  30. Trannysurprise

    "Though there was no firm way to count the exact number in the audience…"

    WTF, was this reporter some type of mutant with no fingers?

  31. Dr_Zoidberg

    Yeah, it was a sparsely attended rally, because a new Country Kitchen Buffet had just opened down the street.

  32. littlebigdaddy

    Wait until the wingnuts figure out that having this before the first NFL game of the season is a way better time slot, and come up with some specious, racially-tinged theory about it. Like, Obama is black and so are most NFL players, so that gives him an unfair advantage, like the blacks are always getting….I think I have just written Pat Buchanan's next column.

  33. mereoblivion

    "See what she did there?"
    I think I see what Gawd A'mighty did there, when Gawd A'mighty made Michele.

  34. Not_So_Much

    The sad fact is that her extreme stoopid is playing so well with not just Teabaggers, but a big chunk of the normal(?) gop voters. It's like she and Perry are in a dipshit death match to see who can say the most demonstrably false and stupid thing, but still get rousing applause for it.

  35. HelmutNewton

    "The rally’s sparse attendance was unusual for a tea party rally…"

    Flying Spaghetti Monster, I hate the MSM! There hasn't been a well-attended teabagger rally since the 2010 election! Teabaggers have always been corporate sock-puppets, yet the media still treats them as if they are a genuine "grassroots" movement. (bangs head against wall)

    1. fuflans

      exactly. i have been bitching about this ONE ALL IMPORTANT fact since santelli threw his temper tantrum and spawned an obese scooter driven snitfit masquerading as a political party.

      the republicans, the country, the congress, the global economy all are terrified of a phantom movement behind which lie two obscenely rich koch brothers.

      ick i've just pissed myself off AGAIN.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Couldn't we settle this by having the Koch Brothers square off vs. Soros and Buffett, all of them using their vast wealth to create superior death robots to launch against the other side?

    2. MichelesPantalones

      They're blatantly lying. There is no Tea Party, yet they keep referring to this batshit insane woman (and several of the other candidates) as "tea party darlings." The "darlings" have "rallies" of 30-100 people, and these are covered mindlessly, with not a single question regarding the framing, or even questioning the huge drop in numbers. No analysis at all. Polls over the past 1.5 years have shown the teabaggers' favourability dropping like a stone, while their unfavourables are climbing sky-high.

      Yet, our "liberal media" could be buggered to report on the huge numbers of people that turn out at anti-war rallies or labour union rallies or to protest the tar sands or any of that stuff. They'd rather cover 35 people who are willing to listen to Michele Bachmann talking crazy shit.

  36. gurukalehuru

    The candidate spoke at the Des Moines stop on the Tea Party Express’ fifth national tour. The rally’s sparse attendance was unusual for a tea party rally – back up there a doggone second, KBJ, it said their FIFTH national tour.
    Iowans enjoy meeting a presidential candidate once or twice, but it starts to wear thin after a while.

  37. Porter Melmoth

    MeeShill, you see, is merely a shill for 'me', meaning herself – she thinks. Poor thing, she's a mere shill for Marcus' self-loathing. Both are perfect shills for the dark Christianist sharia lords behind them, who prostitute their shills via their dark arts. The result: Mr & Mrs Bachmann = Mr & Mrs Anti-Christ.

    Hold on a minute, I think I'm channeling someone named Herr Friedrich Nietzsche. Oops, lost the signal…

  38. glamourdammerung

    Too bad that no one is going to be willing to sign off on involuntary commitment so that Bachmann could get the mental health assistance she so desperately needs.

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