Shrill caustic harpie Michele Bachmann is so excited to destroy any rare ecosystem at all with her maniacal dream of drilling gaping holes into the country’s environmental preserves that she (predictably) forgot to check her Everglades National Park treasure map to see whether there was actually any oil buried under her latest senseless target to justify the pretext. Whose fault is that? The terrible godless scientists, as usual. University of South Florida geologist Dr. Albert Hine notes, “There is no known evidence that there is a significant hydrocarbon deposit beneath the Everglades.” To which Michele said: “The radical environmentalists put up one road block after another to prevent accessing American energy.” Just because there isn’t any oil there doesn’t mean Michelle Bachmann can’t drill for oil there. God told her to!
Michele’s randomly constructed rationale for the proposed desecration of God’s remaining beautiful wild spaces is ironically the argument that God hid oil under the Everglades so Michele could rip it out.
From WTSP:
Tuesday, a CBS reporter in Miami confronted Bachmann about her call for drilling, asking, “Why would you invade that natural resource with gas and oil drilling?” Bachmann responded, “Let’s access this wonderful treasure trove of energy that God has given us in this country. Let’s access it responsibly.”
And even Allen West thinks this is insane. Hoooo-weeee! [WSTP]
{ 221 comments }
I'd rather see Marcus drill Santorum for the oil that is in there.
I certainly never want to see that!
That's not oil, but I bet it burns.
I can't believe I am actually upfisting you for this comment.
That's not oil, that's tasty homemade jam.
"Let’s access it responsibly."
A republican taking responsibility? Their heads would explode.
The responsibility is to BP's and Texaco's quarterly statments, not to the citizenry.
Let's do it responsibly, while eliminating the EPA. {head explodes}
ETA: That's MY head exploding.
Not sure if 'accessing it responsibly' means wearing a condom during the swamp-rape or just paying off/killing non-patriots that show dead baby sea turtles to MSNBC?
Baggers love responsibility, until they find out what it costs. Then they demand that God take care of it.
Drilling for something that isn't there…kinda like drilling into her head to see if anything's inside.
The world would implode from the giant vacuum.
Can she give an answer that doesn't have the word "God" in it? God damned.
I bet shes never said "OH GOD!" to Marcus.
Unless it was in response to seeing how good he looks in her dresses.
http://thankgodforatheists.com/post/576083569/sar...
disturbingly accurate.
Jesus Bug Eyed Christ…how does she do that with her eyes?
God knows she can't very well give a God damned answer to any question asked by a God-fearing citizen without putting the word 'God' in it, as is her God-given right.
One question. Is “God dammed” hyphenated or is it not “God-dammed” hyphenated?
If I were Freudian, I would read Michele's rapacious calls for drilling anywhere and everywhere as a barely disguised substitute for the drilling she's obviously not getting from Marcus.
Oh shit, I don't even need Freud to tell me this.
Sometimes a giant drilling rig is just a penis I MEAN A GIANT DRILLING RIG!.
And she wants the drilling boring holes into America's dick Florida; I think maybe Marcus came up with this idea.
Aren't the Everglades at the southern end of the state? I guess you could say he just wants to pierce Florida's tip for Michele's pleasure.
…I think I'm gonna throw up.
"Marcus, why are you fondling that map of Florida? Is it because there's oil there? You're a genius. Wait until I tell the voters."
Wait, wait, wait, does that mean Marcus will teabag Louisiana???
Pretty much, yeah.
Maybe she meant drill holes in the 'gators and squeeze them for their valuable reptile oils.
'Valuable Reptile Oils' would make a great band name.
Lizard People do NOT approve this message!
but I hear gator oil does wonders for the Lizard people's skin, er scales?
"'When I see her next week, I’ll straighten her out about that,' West said of the Minnesota congresswoman." Well, that's something that Marcus wouldn't be able to do, that's for sure.
Knowing Allen, he wil leap across any intervening furniture screaming "Hai-YAAH!" as he buries his fangs in her neck-tendons. Wonder if I have enough miles for a ticket to FL?
One piece of advice for Shelly, though: "When you go black, you ain't never going back."
Hon, it don't matter what colour it is long as she gets that drilling she's been waiting for nigh on forty years now.
I love it when you talk 'old school"
I'd be more impressed if Allen West could straighten Marcus out.
Silly Wonkette. God told her to do it, and God knows much more than any commie scientist.
Why do you hate God so?
Is it like Schroedinger's oil? We can't know it's not there until we drill for it?
And it is better at hiding than the Higg's.
No wonder she wants to drill for things that aren't there, being married to Marcus and all.
God is quite the prankster. He's so funny when He hides things.
He works in mysterious ways.
Starting with that piece of work that goes by One L…
Yeah, like oil in the Everglades! Nobody would check there, right?
Ohhh, that God.
It always cracks me up when you realize he put those dinosaur bones out there just to fuck with us .You Were Punked!
Yes, why He has to hide oil like that, even under the oceans? Oh, I see, he owns BP stock!
Hey, there may be no evidence that there's oil in the Everglades, but who knows, there could be some there that geologists just have failed to detect, so it would be irresponsible not to drill the shit out of them on off-chance that just maybe we might get some.
And let's not forget drill baby, drill in Stillwater, MN.
Is there any evidence there is not oil right under ground zero?
evidence is for socialists.
Drilling for oil in Lake Peigneur worked out just fine, didn't it?
(oh, as an entertaining epilogue to that episode, AGL is now using the former-salt-mine salt dome to store pressurized natural gas, and yes, they're still drilling for oil right above it. What could possibly go wrong???)
God put it there and hid all the geologic evidence, just to fool the scientists and test our faith.
Based on her statements, it sounds like she really believes there must be a lot more oil in the United States, because oil comes from god (none of this organic remains decomposing under high pressure and heat over millions of years, the Earth's just 6000 years old to her) and America is god's most favoritest country of all and so he must have given us the most.
Then why would God give any oil to all them Islam countries? Doesn't he hate them like we are supposed to?
Fuck it, why not? – it's tax deductible.
You know, if we keep drilling where there is no oil, we will have this problem solved in no time. Just look how well it went when we went after WMD that were not there. Have we had any problems with Iraqi nukes since 2003?
"no known evidence that there is a significant hydrocarbon deposit"
WHO THE FUCK CARES MR. POCKET PROTECTER!!!!!!! DRILL THE FUCKIN SHIT OUT OF THAT SHIT!!!!
And what's the deal with hydrocarbons? We're looking for OIL, Mr. PointyHydrocarbonDepositHead.
ACCESS baby ACCESS!!
Oil can what?
There is nothing quite like first press alligator oil. I fry my condor eggs in it.
Have you tried sauteing spotted owl slices in alligator oil? Yummers!
Why do you hate User of Owls?
They should just go ahead a drill for it now, since in 50 years, it'll be offshore drilling, which is more expensive and problematic.
(Global Warming: Buh-bye, Florida.)
"Geology" is just a theory. We must trust God and "intelligent oil."
But combustion's just a theory, too. Why do we even need any feeking oil, if we have God? I hear there's a story in the Jew-bible about God making their oil last forever, after all.
Shelly don't read no Jew-Bible. Just the Jeebus-Bible.
“Let’s access this wonderful treasure trove of energy that God has given us in this country. Let’s access it responsibly.”
Freaking hippie- socialist. God clearly gave it to us to do whatever the f*** we want with it, responsibly or not. If we want to fill the entire Everglades with putrid oil deposits just to make a point, it is our God-given right.
"And if I can make a few pairs of stylish shoes out of the dead alligators, maybe that damn Huffington Post will get off my back."
and we all say AMEN!
michele honey there's something shiny and untaxed and unregulated over in that corner by canada. would you mind keeping your batshit gaze focused on it for the foreseeable future?
thx.
89% of america.
Don't play down the numbers like that, fuflans. Go ahead. Give us the REAL numbers. We can handle it.
Willow and Piper? Oh, I thought you said "unwaxed."
Wait a sec here. Oil is from the dinosaur time….but if God put it there and there never was a dinosaur time….but evolution…God….ID….fossil fuels? No fossils…WTF?!?!?!
That's the best thing about God…you don't need reason to explain anything he does.
/head explodes/
/Cheney smiles/
damn beat me to it (by 7 hours or so, I don't get to commentatin' til after my late shift at the hospital (and after the wine starts kickin' in) that's why my lil p-ness is STUCK on 94!
I don't understand how p-ness works. What, if you comment early, your p-ness grows? I thought upfisting grew your p-ness?
Tell me what the theory is, and I promise to upfist you whenever I see you.
Count the upfists on the earliest posts… you miss all the traffic if you're late to the party.
well I guess my *theory* is that the earlier you comment on a given Wonkette post the more likely fellow Wonketteers are to see it and thus possibly upfist your p-ness (of course that's only if it meets the high standards of snarkiness, which I don't seem to have, at least on the level seen by the Wizards of Wonk!) It's ok tho, I so enjoy readin' the brilliant, insightful comments by you BIG p-ness folks, plus I'm lucky to be a librul and as such ain't too insecure about my p-ness size, unlike some tiny p-ness right wing trolls…plus I usually been drinkin' by the time I get here so it's ALL shit's n' giggles to me…and thanks for any fists sent my way…also, too
Obviously li'l Miche had a terrible time passing her geology classes. Doesn't she think Exxon would have 100,000 rigs in the Everglades pumping that bitch as dry as a bone – if there was anything to drill for? Dumb cunt.
"Did I say Everglades? I meant the Grand Canyon."
'Did I say Grand Canyon? I meant Yosemite.'
At least we'd get all those bear and wolf bastards out of there. DRILL BABY DRILL!!!!!!!!!!
I think she should personally poke around Old Faithful for a few hours with a stick… check it out Chele.
"Semite?" See, they were right after all!
There may not be any oil in the Everglades now, but just give BP some time and I'm sure they'll get some there.
You'd have to give them, oh, 8-10 million years, but yeah, eventually, there'll be oil there. That's the problem when you talk to God: time means nothing to the guy.
If God is responsible for who gets the oil, then he loves the Arabs, tolerates us and despises Israel.
The joke's on you, libtards: No oil, no oil spills. That's responsible access.
Boom!
–Shelly
Just a bunch of holes in the ground, ruined wetlands and oil company employees eaten by alligators.
You just blew my mind!
And the beauty is, the exploration companies get paid just the same, whether they find oil or don't!
God put millionaires and billionaires on Earth too so should we be able to harvest them for tax dollars? It goes without saying we will be responsible and call in the morning and send flowers and such.
“Let’s access this wonderful treasure trove of energy that God has given us in this country. Let’s access it responsibly.”
Obviously, the power of the sun and wind is of Satan.
Not my department, really. I work in H.R.
I thought you ran the joint. No?
I'm crushed, I tell you, crushed.
It MUST be diabolic, because the Kochs don't already own the sun or the wind.
Shrill baby, Shrill!
Maybe if we tell her there's oil on the moon, she'll be part of the exploratory committee.
If we could send Bachmann to the moon, why couldn't we send all the Republidorks to the moon?
I'd settle for rounding them up and making them live on an offshore oil platform… (Too bad I don't think this idea will really gain traction.)
http://wonkette.com/451352/libertarian-billionair...
That ought to do it. As it is, she's been antsy to go up there to see if it is really made of cheese.
So Bachmann is okay with getting drilled in the Florida Everglades…
Well if there's no oil there, we can just strip mine it for the coal.
Yes. This has nothing to do with energy. Its about messing up wilderness for the sake of messing it up. Lets drill for something in Yellowstone. I'll be there a lot of hot water under there.
Let’s access it responsibly.
Strangely enough, that is what Michele said to Marcus the last time they were in bed together.
Sure there's oil in Florida. Lots of tourists spill their suntan oil on the beaches every summer.
Marcus's neglect of Michele has clear driven her to hysteria and the desire to "drill" any where, any time.
Me and a friend agreed a bit ago that every time she said somthing where she just makes up shit we'd get together that night and get bombed. He's been sleeping on my couch for 6 weeks straight.
Marcus has been sleeping on the couch for thirty years.
Doubtful. He's probably sleeping in the big canopy bed with the extra frilly dust ruffle. Michele is on the couch in a hair nightshirt.
Do you blame him? Her hoo-ha smells like a junk yard dog carcass rotting in the July sun.
Ouch, that made my nuts shrink 3 sizes. Such imagery.
I'm worried about the glitter shortage.
"Michele said: 'The radical environmentalists put up one road block after another to prevent accessing American energy.'"
You know, Michelle, let's talk about the meaning of the words you use. "Radical environmentalists" wouldn't allow you to dril for oil at all. Anywhere. Period.
Reasonable environmentalists reluctantly accept some drilling, as a practical fact of life, but still want to take measures to avoid poisoning people, bespoiling pristine and scenic land, and killing massive quantities of flora and fauna in the process. Most people are reasonable environmentalists.
You however apparently are one of those people who thinks it is okay to shit where you sleep, which makes you an idiot.
You know, I've never understood these people who want to save every baby from abortion but don't give a damn about what kind of polluted, resource-less earth they leave those precious snowflakes.
Ahh, your mistake is that they only want to save the fetus- once it is born, it is on its own.
I made a reply to you. It was a nice reply and had substance. It got "deleted by the administrator." I do not know what word(s) in it made it go bye-bye. I has a sad.
Did it have the word r-e-t-a-r-d-e-d in it? I'm still flabbergasted that is blocked. That is like bread -n- butter for this site. Retard is still allowed though, as is 'tard.
Well that's certainly retarrrr…oops,…. fucked up.
CRAP! I replied again and it looked like it didn't get vaporized, but it did.
Can't win.
No, it didn't have the word r-e-t..etc. in it.
It's hard to write about Bachmann without using the forbidden word "re†ard". There may be a few others as well; let us know if you find out.
How about cunt? Is cunt still good?
Seems to be. But I keep getting hammered trying to post a reply here, even when I've cleaned it up to a G rating. Our cybernanny is in a pissy mood today, I guess.
To quote Keith Stone,
Always!
Stick with what you know, Michele. Mining you holy bible's pages for what isn't there.
All this talk about drilling is what keeps the Nascar dads tumescent and voting with their boners. Duh.
Wait a minute… if there's no oil in the Everglades, then why are they protected, huh? There must be something there to protect that is worth moneez.
Well, yeah. Where do you think that socialist pimp Obama gets the skinz to make his thousands of pairs of gator shoes?
also a great many burmese pythons lets loose by the idiots who bought them. The pythons are destroying the ecosystem of the Glades -I hear they also make great shoes, bags and wallets- maybe luggage as they are so big.
Have you been watching Billy the Exterminator?
Yes and Moses didn't think he could get water out of the rock either.
Remember Jesus and the water and wine trick???
Praise the Lord! She is going to turn swampwater in to oil!!!!
I hereby propose we drill Michelle's head for natural gas. Let’s access this wonderful treasure trove of pig shit that God has given us in that pill-popping idiot.
Maybe they'll find the rest of that Valu-Jet.
too soon!
What a maroon!
god news
http://sahinnparadisegelenekselramazancoskusu.net...
Now, this is just mildly annoying unlike some of the trolls, but why hasn't this spambot been banned yet?
probably because nobody else has been sucked into clicking on the link. I have no idea what is there but suspected it might make me throw up in my mouth so I went to your reply for a review! Thanks for sparing me!
It's some blog in a some non-English language, I can't tell which (so it's not French or Spanish) except that it also uses Latin letters. And it's very basic looking. I have no idea what the point is.
Well, I clicked and the stuff there makes at least as much sense as any "god news" out there… My computer will probably burst into flames later tonight.
These fucktards would drill in their own backyard to get the most out of their snowmobiles and SUVs before the rapture.
A question answered in the affirmative that should disqualify anyone from elected office:
Do you believe the rapture will occur in your lifetime?
Only those answering "What's the Rapture?" should be allowed to proceed to the next testing station.
Do our beloved politicians get to tap an ego depletion allowance when their crazy rants, silly suppositions, or preposterous propositions get called for what they are?
"Bachmann's team says she is at the forefront of a new approach to energy policy: faith-based hydrocarbon extraction practices. When the candidate herself put forward a plan to drill blue skies for lignite coal, her proposal was met with some skepticism in scientific circles. She responded to her critics by saying, "Once more, these high-paid government bureaucrat scientists are simply standing in the way of American exceptionalism. Remember the story of Icarus? When all the so-called 'experts' told him not to fly too close to the sun, did he just give up and quit? NO! And neither should we! Someday, we want to be remembered for our boldness and courage the same way Icarus is!" At that point, the press conference ended, leaving a room full of reporters and Bachmann handlers alike, 'looking like a mob of people who'd just had their jaws surgically unhinged,' according to one attendee."
Hey one-L, why don't you drill into the gas line in your backyard–it's got proven BTUs.
She is going to surprise the Republican Convention by announcing that Gadaffi is going to be her running mate. I mean, you can just see that coming, with all her other directly-on-target, clearly focussed pronouncements of late.
She's goin' all Herman Melville up in this biatch!! Alligator oil is our future!
“Let’s access this wonderful treasure trove of energy that God has given us in this country. Let’s access it responsibly.”
I think God gave it to the Indians first… but God did give us the power to basically eradicate them from the face of the Earth… so there.
If you yell at the Popeye's cashier long enough they HAVE to sell you a Big Mac, right? The customer IS always right!!!
If you're in my neighborhood the cashier just punches you in the face. Makes one think.
good.
Witty.
Or in Michele's case, the customer is always white.
Meanwhile, God looks over at the Archangel Michael and asks, "Can you believe this bitch?"
Hey lady!! Quit blaming your nuttjobiness on God… trust me, he did not think you and your friends were coming and gonna be all,"God said we should do this raping of the planet" or "God thinks we should kill all the brown people" shit. That is truly NOT what he was all about… get a FUCKING grip Bitch!
Okay, it could be she is confusing Everglades with Glade Everfresh scented candles. Those have plenty of petroleum in them.
Radical environmentalists. Preventing us from extracting oil from where it doesn't exist.
I wish that were snark, instead of paraphrasing.
Nobody ever lost a recipe contest by using too much lard. You stick to your guns, honey!
Her maniacal dream of drilling gaping holes? Congresswoman Bachmann, I'd like you to meet Senator Roberto Arango . . . I think you two can help each other out.
There is also oil under Manhattan, all of Long Island, Malibu Beach, Aspen Colorado, New Canaan CT…..lets drill there FIRST, m'kay?
Anyplace where Cheney lives?
Don't forget that the Gulf of Mexico is full of tar sands now. That's a valuable energy resource.
There was a letter in the Burlington paper the other day explaining that if we don't build a tar-sand oil pipeline through northeastern Vermont, the US will be forced to go to war in the middle east…
Bachmann is all about smaller government by calling for the creation for a new Department of OIL that can harvest "our" resources.
Well, I kinda want to do some drilling down there myself after opening the link below that story… http://tampabay.metromix.com/bars-and-clubs/stand...
FYI, just the other day I was shooting at some food, and up from the ground came a-bubbling crude. (Oil, that is.)
black gold?
Next thing you know ol' 'Cheles in the race
if she doesn't take her pills she becomes a basket case
Wonketeers said let's hope the crazy never fades
So she packed up a rig and went drillin' in the 'glades
Ever that is…alligators, fresh water supply
Bravo Mr Buddha!
This reminds me that every time Rachel Maddow gets to the end of a sentence, I expect her to append, "Mr. Clampett".
Allen West said he was going to "straighten her out about that" when he sees her next week. lulz.
It actually is a good thing that Michele doesn't filter out the crazy: Imagine if she played reasonable and coherent (maybe just a little heavy on the Jeeezussy side) and managed to seem not crazy and managed to make it to the presidency and then unleased the voices in her head at the podium after having taken the oath of office. The exploding heads would be like something out of Mars Attacks only without the Slim Whitman tunes. Now, if for some reason the crazy bitch gets elected, we at least know what we're in for.
Once upon at time, there was a vice-chairman of a major oil company that no longer exists (think transmissions and add an O). He believed that the more holes you drilled, the more oil you found. Sadly, that turned out not to be the case. Perhaps, he now consults for the Bachmann campaign.
Dril, Michele, Dril!
After all, she is afraid of L's.
Heh.
You know who else was obsessed with oil but didn't have much underfoot?
At this point Wonket should just start reporting when Michelle gets a fact right. This way I don't have to look at her face as often.
She's no Kitty Harris, that's for sure.
Everglades? Isn't that where John Wayne lives?
Well, gosh darn it sayeth Michmele "Bats in the Belfry," let us prayeth to our Savior to put some oil down there so we can drill for it.
Anyone check to see if she's had any holes drilled through her brain?
You're thinking about Bristle's next kid, Trepannation.
Just an observation: Sarah Palin must be feeling down these days with all the batshit crazy stuff from Michelle – and the attention???
Sarah – we love ya!! Please say/do something SUPER STOOPID so we can get our fix of Sarah???
Its just that certain Republican women get all hot n lathered when they see those burly oil men lower their drill bits down into the virgin soil, ever deeper and deeper until someone shouts something sweet n crude into their ears. Heaven knows, there's nothing else between their ears.
In the Everglades or who knows where
I drilled for oil that wasn't there
It wasn't there again today
I think I'll blame the EPA
OK, what the fuck is this "deleted by the administrator" shit? I'm posting a freaking quote from the story, fer chrissakes!
YEAH! Happened to me too.
This woman takes stupid to a whole new level — she redefines stupid.
For a woman who has never been laid by her husband she really does obsess about lubricants.
She's is about as bright as a 4 watt lightbulb (night light).
Where is Clinton "Skink" Tyree when we really, really need him?
"PALM BEACH GARDENS — U.S. Rep. Allen West told a town hall audience today that Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann made 'an incredible faux pas' when she said she is open to allowing drilling for oil and natural gas in the Everglades if it can be done safely. 'When I see her next week, I’ll straighten her out about that,' West said of the Minnesota congresswoman."
This will resemble the final act of "A Streetcar Named Desire."
And by drill responsibly, she of course means make the Love Canal look like a dropped spaghetti sauce spill at the grocery store.
As it says in the Bible, "God put man on the Earth to drain it of all its resources and make it a dirtier place to live for future generations" Genesis 2:15
Maybe she could find the WMD's in Iraq?
Yeah, right Michelle.
How would you feel if we told you that you would have to let Twinkle Toe's do a little drilling on your uncharted, back country, territory?
He may not find oil but he sure as hell will bring some.
Dim Michele Bachman. Redundant.
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it's probably a witch. We better drown her to be sure.
Build a bridge out of her!
How come conservatives never want to conserve?
First comment! hooray
found this site by accident ( the good kind)
after trying to understand ( aka tro//ing ?)the wonders of angry at the breitbart virtual hellhole, this site was repeatedly mantioned with seething rage. so I had to check it out myself. good stuff.
Can't wait for her god wrestling perry's god on a WWE biggest event ever.
its about time regular folks will have a reason to enjoy this kind of entertainment.
Alligator Libel.
People like Bachmann think every inch of the US has untapped oil reserves ready for the taking. There's as much reason to believe that than there is to believe in her god.
Michele Bachmann as only Sara Benincasa can do her. Full-on KrayKray.
Personally – fuck and its relatives are fine by me but I really do not like the R word
Don't use it.
She's good, isn't she?
I think her eyeballs must be double-jointed, or it's the lizard person inside tryin' to get OUT!
I can't help it, dood, I R Teh Oldz.
Dood, I don't think eyeballs, like, have joints?
Oh yeah…then how come folks get Chinese eyes after smoking a joint?!
well maybe LIZARDS do?
So original comments get more upfists than responses thereto, just by virture of being first?
Thanks, Biely. You're a gentleperson, and a Prince … of Darkness, but still.
yep, story of my life, ALWAYS late to the party…but as my dear old Irish Dad used to say, better to arrive late than not at all!
I think you're pretty snarky/funny/brilliant. I always look for your comments.
It seems to be a matter of some incomprehensible formula involving posting early comments and p-ness being improved by the number of replies to each comment and the number of readers who click to read the replies. I've noticed that when I click on a comment to read the replies, the original commenter's + points increase by 1-2.
Oh, well. Who cares. I'm curious about the formula used but not curious enough to do anything about it.
Lizard have jointed eyeballs, or lizards have joints? Because, yaknow,if I'm gonna be seeing weed-smoking lizards hangin' around …
Well, there are some parties you do want to be late to … like mine, for instance.
well of course, I hear you're parties are HOT!
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