WORLD OF FOX NEWS  12:08 pm August 31, 2011

Fox Clown Bill O’Reilly Goes Nuts When His Wife Dumps Him For a Cop

by Ken Layne

Narcissistic sex creep and fizzled-out teevee goon Bill O’Reilly apparently has a wife! Who would marry such a festering turd and try to compete with the attention of the mirror? And who would stay married to him after the worldwide exposure of his comically perverse sex tapes about a loofah, themselves the result of his constant sexual harassment of a female coworker? Anyway, now O’Reilly is accused of trying to use his local police department as a personal goon squad against his wife and one of the actual cops in that department, because that officer is supposedly the new boyfriend of Bill O’Reilly’s wife. God, these people are all so amoral and disgusting, they should all be dumped in the Lake of Fire (an active volcano):

Gawker’s John Cook has a long and detailed report, which also explains why Fox News and the rest of the right-wing propaganda machine has been particularly obsessed with slamming Gawker Media (our former corporate overlords) as of late:

Last summer, Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly came to believe that his wife was romantically involved with another man. Not just any man, but a police detective in the Long Island community they call home. So O’Reilly did what any concerned husband would do: He pulled strings to get the police department’s internal affairs unit to investigate one of their own for messing with the wrong man’s lady.

[Gawker]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 128 comments }

SexySmurf August 31, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Wife stays, wife leaves: you can't explain it.

not that Dewey August 31, 2011 at 12:33 pm

But who put the cuckold there? Huh?

Maman August 31, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Like the tides coming in or out, I think this can be explained as well.

SorosBot August 31, 2011 at 3:30 pm

The wife going can be explained by her not coming.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:20 pm

More like "boyfriend goes in; boyfriend goes out. You can't explain it."

Barb August 31, 2011 at 12:12 pm

One of his producers is suing him for unwanted phone sex with her while he was using a vibrator on himself. To me, that doesn't sound like Bill O'Reilly, because usually he's pulling stuff out of his ass.

MittsHairHelmet August 31, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Where, exactly, do you think the vibrator was?

Barb August 31, 2011 at 12:29 pm

The gist of the joke was Bill couldn't be putting the vibrator in his ass because he's too busy pulling stuff OUT of his ass. *sigh*

Lascauxcaveman August 31, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Vibrator goes in, vibrator comes out. You can't explain it.

SorosBot August 31, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Vibrator goes in, santorum comes out; can't explain that.

MittsHairHelmet August 31, 2011 at 12:48 pm

I must be running slow today.

jus_wonderin August 31, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I got it. The joke and the visual. SOMEBODY, HELP ME, PLEASE!!!

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:25 pm

There, there, there.

Why don't you watch this lovely little video of our own Sara Benincasa as MishMash BatShitKrayKrayMann. That should make you feel all better.

If not, try a handful of Lexapro, a bottle or two of booze, and a couple of tokes, or lines of blow.

Chet Kincaid August 31, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I'm gonna need a Taiwanese animation to grasp what you're driving at here.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Heh. You said "driving."

proudgrampa August 31, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Actually, it could have been one of those attachments. A "come cup" I believe it's called.

Do NOT ask me how I know anything about this.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:26 pm

No, you don't get off so easy. No fair, teasing the troops.

Out with it. How do you know about this?

proudgrampa August 31, 2011 at 5:51 pm

It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.

weejee August 31, 2011 at 12:16 pm

A case of when the butt plug hits the fan?

GregComlish August 31, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Stuff in ass … who put dat there? where it come from? Did you shove the vibrator up Bill O'Reilly's ass? It's a mystery.

What you pinheads don't get is that you'll never be able to explain how a vibrator got shoved up Bill O'Reilly's ass.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Is *currently* suing him? Another one?

Come here a minute August 31, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I hope O'Reilly sues, so he can get laughed out of court, again.

baconzgood August 31, 2011 at 12:44 pm

If he sues it will all details of his sex life with his wife will be on public record (shiver). I'm guessing that he'll say on his show "I've spoken to the authorities and they say I have a 'open and shut case' and I'm seriously thinking of sueing this web site for slander" and his minions will forget about it before the next commerical for fried lard Viagra.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Erm … this "fried lard Viagra" … just what is it, and where do you, you know, get your hands on it? Asking for a friend.

fuflans August 31, 2011 at 1:40 pm

this shit is just delicious.

arihaya August 31, 2011 at 12:14 pm

the cop has a better falafel ?

charlesdegoal August 31, 2011 at 12:31 pm

He does it better than Flavor Flav.

GeorgiaBurning August 31, 2011 at 1:31 pm

He's got inches, plural. O'Reilly can't match that.

Indiepalin August 31, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Nightstick goes in, nightstick goes out, never a miscommunication…

Studebaker Hawk August 31, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Fuck it, we'll do it live!

SorosBot August 31, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Wait, a Murdoch-owned "news" organization might be bribing cops to act as their private thugs? That's shocking and unheard of!

sati_demise August 31, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Fair AND balanced.

weejee August 31, 2011 at 12:16 pm

The turd goes in, the turd goes out. Who knows why?

JustPixelz August 31, 2011 at 12:34 pm

But in O'Reilly's case only shit comes out … of both ends.

MittsHairHelmet August 31, 2011 at 12:18 pm

No surprise. Authoritarian right-wingers like O'Reilly believe that personal score-settling is an entirely legitimate use of law enforcement resources.

SorosBot August 31, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Come on now, it's not like we can point to any, let's say, far-right former governors and VP nominees who tried to force the state police do something very similar with their sister's ex-husband.

Chillwaver August 31, 2011 at 12:18 pm

"Fuck it, I'll do her live!"

– BIllio's wife's cop BF

freakishlywrong August 31, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Has he sent that assfuck Jessie Waters to ambush him yet? Wait. What?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 31, 2011 at 4:57 pm

"We sent Jessie Waters out to talk to my wife and find out why she is fucking someone else!"

SmutBoffin August 31, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Why didn't he just tell his viewers that his wife and this cop provided abortions every day? They would have taken care of the problem for him.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I think even Billo's dim bulbs might turn a hairy eyeball on such a claim.

baconzgood August 31, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Cop's cock goes in cop's cums out.

SmutBoffin August 31, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Never a miscummunication.

baconzgood August 31, 2011 at 12:29 pm

How come she gets boned every night and I don't. You can't explain it!

nounverb911 August 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Needs more Andrea Makris.

SayItWithWookies August 31, 2011 at 12:25 pm

I guess Bill's trying to take advantage of FOX's vast criminal wiretapping expertise before the DOJ shuts it down — or asks it politely to stop, or whatever.

Oblios_Cap August 31, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Yeah. That sort fell out of the news, didn't it.

sati_demise August 31, 2011 at 8:37 pm

just s few bad apples

LabRodent August 31, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Bill is the reasons all these Assholes have TV shows now. He's like the Alpha Asshole.

glamourdammerung August 31, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I am offended by that implication.

freakishlywrong August 31, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Any other Wonakeers schadens freuding down their legs seeing this insufferable asshole get corn-holed by his wife? It's delicious.

prommie August 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I'm leaking pre-schadenfruede like crazy!

thefrontpage August 31, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Reality, and no snark here: O'Reilly AND the police officials involved in this asinine, unprofessional–and psycho–case all need to be investigated for an abuse of the law–really. No joke. They need to be investigated–including the retired police commissioner. Because it is indeed a blatant and corrupt abuse of police powers to 1) use police resources for a private investigation of something that is technically not illegal–that is a matter for a private detective, NOT a governmental police officer; 2) it is illegal for police to order a detective to do something that is not in line with his or her official duties–that is illegal; 3) it is corrupt, criminal and unethical behavior on the part of the police officials and police inspectors to treat subordinates in this manner on numerous legal, governmental, criminal and ethical levels; 4) it is illegal for a private citizen to abuse police officials and police powers like this against an individual; 5) there are grounds to charge O'Reilly with crimes for abusing police powers; 6) no police investigations of any type are to be conducted in this manner–on literally dozens of levels–and such behavior is indeed criminal, corrupt and unethical.

Lucidamente1 August 31, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Not that this is the first time Bill-O has tried / claimed to have his own enforcers:

http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/200603030010

DahBoner August 31, 2011 at 12:55 pm

The Fox Police?

FlownOver August 31, 2011 at 12:44 pm

No snark? You've got the wrong number, pal. We spell our name "Wonket."

freakishlywrong August 31, 2011 at 12:45 pm

He's a conservative. Nothing happens to them. The only people ever shamed out of their positions are Libruls; who tweet pictures of their pee-pees to the internets.

VaWyo August 31, 2011 at 12:50 pm

He'll get kicked upstairs next month. Look what happened yesterday to the ATF guy who gave arms to Mexico. He was promoted to the Obama Justice Department.

BerkeleyBear August 31, 2011 at 1:44 pm

It was actually a demotion (he goes from heading an agency and having 5000 employees under him to working as a "forensics consultant" and lucky if he has an office rather than a cubicle) but still not the complete walk of shame he deserved.

BerkeleyBear August 31, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Or, as it is known around Fox News, pulling a Palin. Who do you think gave him the idea?

Geminisunmars August 31, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Shorter version: Ain't nothing gonna be done about it.

sati_demise August 31, 2011 at 8:40 pm

"5) there are grounds to charge O'Reilly with crimes for abusing police powers; "

oh please, my dreams come true

valgal2342 August 31, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Oh hell, that's just business as usual in Louisiana.

thefrontpage August 31, 2011 at 12:33 pm

All of the people and police officials involved in this case need to be investigated by state and federal officials for alleged abuse of powers, and that includes O'Reilly–effective immediately. There is no excuse for such behavior. None.

smashaduck August 31, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Evidently she prefers batons to loofahs.

FlownOver August 31, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Inside Edition just hasn't been the same without him.

Pragmatist2 August 31, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Bill needs to look in a mirror and ask himself this question:
"Bill, why would any woman you would want to do, want to do you?"

JustPixelz August 31, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Why would BO's wife want sexytime with someone else? Maybe he has a small loofah. Or his falafel balls are unsatisfying. Perhaps his bedtime talking points are also in praise of Sarah Palin™. We can never know. (Really, don't tell us.)

Tundra Grifter August 31, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Good thing Mrs. Bull O'Really? lives in New York and not in Florida.

edgydrifter August 31, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Now do you understand, New York? THE GAYS HAVE RUINED BILL O'REILLY'S TRADITIONAL REAL AMERICAN MARRIAGE!!!

VaWyo August 31, 2011 at 12:46 pm

He's a pig who thinks his wife is his personal property, like they were in the good ol' days. So of course he called the cops when someone stole her away. It only gets confusing because the person whole stole her is a also a cop.

poncho_pilot August 31, 2011 at 12:47 pm

if i were Bill, i'd falafel about the whole thing.

user-of-owls August 31, 2011 at 12:47 pm

"We conservatives want to make government so small it could strangle my wife's boyfriend in a bathtub."

gullywompr August 31, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Pinhead.

poncho_pilot August 31, 2011 at 12:51 pm

will this be in Those Who Trespass 2?

EatsBabyDingos August 31, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Shamoo was married?

Guppy06 August 31, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Didn't then-governor Palin do something similar?

And remember: divorce is a sin! Catholic Jesus wants you to stay with your psychologically abusive husband forever and ever!

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I thought most deities wanted abused wives to stay in their marriages and do better; and also not to allow boys and girls to marry people with the same-looking peepees.

poorgradstudent August 31, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I always suspected that in his personal life Bill O'Reilly acts like a soap opera villain.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Bill O'Reilly acts like a soap opera villain.

FIFY. NNTT.

DahBoner August 31, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Maybe she left Bill because he was bragging about banging Italian whores while his wife was home pregnant?

BlueStateLibel August 31, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Oh, Bill-o dear, sorry to break it to you, but a cop having sex with your wife is not against the law. I'm happy to say the only thing you'll be able to do is give her half of your assets, generous alimony, and pray that she doesn't go squawking about what a shithead you are.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Depends on whether they got married in a state that awards the wife half the marital assets. Otherwise, she's SoL. Although, on second thoughts, escaping with one's life might not be too great a price to pay for getting rid of a schmuck like BillO.

Sue4466 August 31, 2011 at 12:59 pm

So sad. I can't even read the comments on this one. I know it will be full of references to BillO & sex and well, ew. Just ew.

Guppy06 August 31, 2011 at 12:59 pm

That's a crime punishble by $500 or 6 months in jail in Florida.

Rosie_Scenario August 31, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Stephen Colbert is on vacation. I wonder if he will weigh in on this news about "Papa Bear" when The Colbert Report returns? He did a great riff on the "F*** it, we'll do it live tape."

ttommyunger August 31, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Bill just can't keep himself from making himself a laughing stock. He may well have an "in" with the Chief, but beat cops all over the NY area are laughing their asses off at him (and keeping an eye peeled for him). I'd suggest all road traffic be by Driver from now on and according to the letter of the law. A friend at Sergeant and below is more valuable than one at Lieutenant or above. Only one thing is more satisfying than having one of your own pork some rich blowhard's Honey; that would be porking her yourself.

emmelemm August 31, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Good points, all!

ttommyunger August 31, 2011 at 2:25 pm

I just hope Bill knows we're laughing at him and not with him.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:44 pm

For all his faults, and he has many, BillO isn't as dumb as most of the Pox Ooze stable. I wanna feel sorry for him, but he was always a vindictive, spiteful bully, and I can't help feeling he's getting his just deserts.

ttommyunger August 31, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Those kind usually do. I honestly believe they wear their clothes out from the inside-out; they don't know peace-ever.

zhubajie September 1, 2011 at 7:00 am

Like I tell my students, in the long run, everyone rewards themselves and punishes themselves.

zhubajie September 1, 2011 at 6:59 am

I was waiting for your words of wisdom, TTommy!

ttommyunger September 1, 2011 at 7:05 am

You make my day from across the Globe. I luvs me sum internetz!

BTWBFDIMHO August 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

She has that empty sight, very Bachmannatti. Well, 15 years living with that thing…

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I'm surprised O'Reilly used the real cops instead of the super secret Fox Security that he has used before.

prommie August 31, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Was that Mrs. O'Reilly on the hood of that car in New Mexico? Who knows, can anyone prove its not her? She has yet to deny it. Hey Bill, I saw your wife getting pounded by her cop boyfriend!

Callyson August 31, 2011 at 1:16 pm

the investigation was highly sensitive for two reasons, the source said: 1) It was ordered directly by then-police commissioner Lawrence Mulvey, and 2) O'Reilly was at the time considering making a major donation to the Nassau County Police Department Foundation, a private not-for-profit foundation Mulvey helped found in 2009 to raise money for construction of a planned $48 million police training facility at Nassau Community College.
JFC, I don't know what is worse: the fact that these wingnuts think they can buy their way out of anything…or the fact that they appear to be right about that…

MinAgain August 31, 2011 at 1:24 pm

You know what they say about the long arm of the law…

Come here a minute August 31, 2011 at 1:33 pm

It bends toward justice? No, I don't think they say that.

LesBontemps August 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm

It's the short arm that's at issue in this case.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 5:45 pm

No, so please, feel free to elucidate. What do they say about the long arm of the law? That it can reach all the way up into your wife's knickers?

Porter Melmoth August 31, 2011 at 1:29 pm

When a man's man no longer wears his wedding ring to the basketball game and then surrounds himself with only men, (and in front row seats, no less) whatever are we to think?

fuflans August 31, 2011 at 1:39 pm

bill o'reilly is morally weak.

HobbesEvilTwin August 31, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Bill should talk to high-ranking politicians that can help him out, maybe even a Senator. Perhaps one from Minnesota. HA, I just love reminding Bill of that one.

hagajim August 31, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Needs moar Loofah.

Arken August 31, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I guess she didn't put down her pipe and pick his pipe up.

PubOption August 31, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Maureen McPhilmy O'Reilly sounds like the punchline to a smutty Irish joke.

DoktorThompson August 31, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Cop goes in, baby comes out. You can't explain that.

mrblifil August 31, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Gee it'd be terrible if BillO were somehow accidentally to end up taking a bullet.

MiniMencken August 31, 2011 at 2:41 pm

So old Billy O'Reilly walks into the Shamrock & Shillelagh for a pint of Guiness and tells the fellow working the tap, "Boy-o, have ye heard of that new pub that just opened up in Massapequa? I understand that when you go there, you can play pool all you want for free, drink all the beer you want for free and, at the end of the night, ye can have crazy monkey sex with anyone ye fancy that's in the room!"
"Sounds great," says the barman, "Have ye been there, then?"
"Naw," says O'Reilly, "But my wife's already been there three times this week!"

Comrade Wingtard September 1, 2011 at 1:30 am

but the Shamrock & Shillelagh doesn't have Guinness, they only have green beer.

MissTaken August 31, 2011 at 2:59 pm

O'Reilly's wife cheated on him? Shocking.

If this asswipe can't figure out how the tides work, did she really think he could figure out the motion of his ocean?

gurukalehuru August 31, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Maureen "McPhilme" O'Reilly? Officer Harasym? Come on, these names are like Mike Hunt and Heywood Giablome. I'd like to believe this story, but it may take time.

Troglodeity August 31, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Hey local police department: I am thinking of maybe, just maybe, giving you a couple million bucks. But forget all about that! I'm definitely NOT asking you to sic a goon squad on that mofo who's banging my wife …

culture_drone August 31, 2011 at 4:55 pm

In Fox News' defense Gawker Media is a horrible pit of douchebags so I'm not sure who to root for.

glamourdammerung August 31, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Cuckold cock goes in, cuckold cock goes out. You can not explain it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 31, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Have they won any Peabodys since?

comrad_darkness August 31, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Crazy like a Fox commentator.

__kth__ August 31, 2011 at 6:58 pm

2nd in a continuing series of things that would make me believe in God: the existence of a sex tape of Mrs O'Reilly and her paramour putting horns on Billo's head, preferably doggie-style.

friendlyskies August 31, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Just wait for the Reagan-worshipping golddigger, lasered and botoxed back to a fresh-faced "34," that he marries next spring. His wife may have run off with his dignity, but that bitch is going to be liberal schadenfreude gold.

zhubajie September 1, 2011 at 7:03 am

As long as we're passing on dirt, mudflats has some amusing stuff on the Palins: http://www.themudflats.net/2011/08/31/from-the-cu

Negropolis September 1, 2011 at 7:47 am

Whatever happened to the art of dueling? That's how adultery was settled in the good (bad) ole days. Meh. This is the next most creative way to fuck with your wife's lover.

zhubajie September 1, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Mr Cop probably knows how to use a gun. O'reilly? Maybe not so likely.

KenLayIsAlive September 1, 2011 at 11:19 am

This gives me hope, that finally even those close to these freakish inhuman monsters are running from them.

When will the American public decide this abusive relationship with Bill O'Reilly is also not worth it?

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Oh, come on, grampa, that's not fair! C'mon, tell.

MichelesPantalones September 1, 2011 at 12:08 pm

What do you teach in China? English? Or archaeology? Or something else altogether?

Not intended to pry or make you uncomfortable, just curious.

zhubajie September 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm

English, but that can include history and cultural things. Archaeology and history are still interests.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: