Narcissistic sex creep and fizzled-out teevee goon Bill O’Reilly apparently has a wife! Who would marry such a festering turd and try to compete with the attention of the mirror? And who would stay married to him after the worldwide exposure of his comically perverse sex tapes about a loofah, themselves the result of his constant sexual harassment of a female coworker? Anyway, now O’Reilly is accused of trying to use his local police department as a personal goon squad against his wife and one of the actual cops in that department, because that officer is supposedly the new boyfriend of Bill O’Reilly’s wife. God, these people are all so amoral and disgusting, they should all be dumped in the Lake of Fire (an active volcano):

Gawker’s John Cook has a long and detailed report, which also explains why Fox News and the rest of the right-wing propaganda machine has been particularly obsessed with slamming Gawker Media (our former corporate overlords) as of late:

Last summer, Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly came to believe that his wife was romantically involved with another man. Not just any man, but a police detective in the Long Island community they call home. So O’Reilly did what any concerned husband would do: He pulled strings to get the police department’s internal affairs unit to investigate one of their own for messing with the wrong man’s lady.


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  • SexySmurf

    Wife stays, wife leaves: you can't explain it.

  • Barb

    One of his producers is suing him for unwanted phone sex with her while he was using a vibrator on himself. To me, that doesn't sound like Bill O'Reilly, because usually he's pulling stuff out of his ass.

    • MittsHairHelmet

      Where, exactly, do you think the vibrator was?

      • Barb

        The gist of the joke was Bill couldn't be putting the vibrator in his ass because he's too busy pulling stuff OUT of his ass. *sigh*

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Vibrator goes in, vibrator comes out. You can't explain it.

          • SorosBot

            Vibrator goes in, santorum comes out; can't explain that.

        • MittsHairHelmet

          I must be running slow today.

        • jus_wonderin

          I got it. The joke and the visual. SOMEBODY, HELP ME, PLEASE!!!

          • MichelesPantalones

            There, there, there.

            Why don't you watch this lovely little video of our own Sara Benincasa as MishMash BatShitKrayKrayMann. That should make you feel all better.

            If not, try a handful of Lexapro, a bottle or two of booze, and a couple of tokes, or lines of blow.

        • I'm gonna need a Taiwanese animation to grasp what you're driving at here.

          • MichelesPantalones

            Heh. You said "driving."

      • proudgrampa

        Actually, it could have been one of those attachments. A "come cup" I believe it's called.

        Do NOT ask me how I know anything about this.

        • MichelesPantalones

          No, you don't get off so easy. No fair, teasing the troops.

          Out with it. How do you know about this?

          • proudgrampa

            It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.

          • MichelesPantalones

            Oh, come on, grampa, that's not fair! C'mon, tell.

    • A case of when the butt plug hits the fan?

    • GregComlish

      Stuff in ass … who put dat there? where it come from? Did you shove the vibrator up Bill O'Reilly's ass? It's a mystery.

      What you pinheads don't get is that you'll never be able to explain how a vibrator got shoved up Bill O'Reilly's ass.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Is *currently* suing him? Another one?

  • Come here a minute

    I hope O'Reilly sues, so he can get laughed out of court, again.

    • baconzgood

      If he sues it will all details of his sex life with his wife will be on public record (shiver). I'm guessing that he'll say on his show "I've spoken to the authorities and they say I have a 'open and shut case' and I'm seriously thinking of sueing this web site for slander" and his minions will forget about it before the next commerical for fried lard Viagra.

      • MichelesPantalones

        Erm … this "fried lard Viagra" … just what is it, and where do you, you know, get your hands on it? Asking for a friend.

    • fuflans

      this shit is just delicious.

  • arihaya

    the cop has a better falafel ?

    • charlesdegoal

      He does it better than Flavor Flav.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      He's got inches, plural. O'Reilly can't match that.

  • Indiepalin

    Nightstick goes in, nightstick goes out, never a miscommunication…

  • Studebaker Hawk

    Fuck it, we'll do it live!

  • SorosBot

    Wait, a Murdoch-owned "news" organization might be bribing cops to act as their private thugs? That's shocking and unheard of!

    • sati_demise

      Fair AND balanced.

  • The turd goes in, the turd goes out. Who knows why?

    • But in O'Reilly's case only shit comes out … of both ends.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    No surprise. Authoritarian right-wingers like O'Reilly believe that personal score-settling is an entirely legitimate use of law enforcement resources.

    • SorosBot

      Come on now, it's not like we can point to any, let's say, far-right former governors and VP nominees who tried to force the state police do something very similar with their sister's ex-husband.

  • "Fuck it, I'll do her live!"

    — BIllio's wife's cop BF

  • freakishlywrong

    Has he sent that assfuck Jessie Waters to ambush him yet? Wait. What?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      "We sent Jessie Waters out to talk to my wife and find out why she is fucking someone else!"

  • SmutBoffin

    Why didn't he just tell his viewers that his wife and this cop provided abortions every day? They would have taken care of the problem for him.

    • MichelesPantalones

      I think even Billo's dim bulbs might turn a hairy eyeball on such a claim.

  • baconzgood

    Cop's cock goes in cop's cums out.

    • SmutBoffin

      Never a miscummunication.

      • baconzgood

        How come she gets boned every night and I don't. You can't explain it!

  • nounverb911

    Needs more Andrea Makris.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I guess Bill's trying to take advantage of FOX's vast criminal wiretapping expertise before the DOJ shuts it down — or asks it politely to stop, or whatever.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Yeah. That sort fell out of the news, didn't it.

    • sati_demise

      just s few bad apples

  • LabRodent

    Bill is the reasons all these Assholes have TV shows now. He's like the Alpha Asshole.

    • glamourdammerung

      I am offended by that implication.

  • freakishlywrong

    Any other Wonakeers schadens freuding down their legs seeing this insufferable asshole get corn-holed by his wife? It's delicious.

    • prommie

      I'm leaking pre-schadenfruede like crazy!

  • thefrontpage

    Reality, and no snark here: O'Reilly AND the police officials involved in this asinine, unprofessional–and psycho–case all need to be investigated for an abuse of the law–really. No joke. They need to be investigated–including the retired police commissioner. Because it is indeed a blatant and corrupt abuse of police powers to 1) use police resources for a private investigation of something that is technically not illegal–that is a matter for a private detective, NOT a governmental police officer; 2) it is illegal for police to order a detective to do something that is not in line with his or her official duties–that is illegal; 3) it is corrupt, criminal and unethical behavior on the part of the police officials and police inspectors to treat subordinates in this manner on numerous legal, governmental, criminal and ethical levels; 4) it is illegal for a private citizen to abuse police officials and police powers like this against an individual; 5) there are grounds to charge O'Reilly with crimes for abusing police powers; 6) no police investigations of any type are to be conducted in this manner–on literally dozens of levels–and such behavior is indeed criminal, corrupt and unethical.

    • Lucidamente1

      Not that this is the first time Bill-O has tried / claimed to have his own enforcers:

      • DahBoner

        The Fox Police?

    • No snark? You've got the wrong number, pal. We spell our name "Wonket."

    • freakishlywrong

      He's a conservative. Nothing happens to them. The only people ever shamed out of their positions are Libruls; who tweet pictures of their pee-pees to the internets.

    • VaWyo

      He'll get kicked upstairs next month. Look what happened yesterday to the ATF guy who gave arms to Mexico. He was promoted to the Obama Justice Department.

      • BerkeleyBear

        It was actually a demotion (he goes from heading an agency and having 5000 employees under him to working as a "forensics consultant" and lucky if he has an office rather than a cubicle) but still not the complete walk of shame he deserved.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Or, as it is known around Fox News, pulling a Palin. Who do you think gave him the idea?

    • Geminisunmars

      Shorter version: Ain't nothing gonna be done about it.

    • sati_demise

      "5) there are grounds to charge O'Reilly with crimes for abusing police powers; "

      oh please, my dreams come true

    • valgal2342

      Oh hell, that's just business as usual in Louisiana.

  • thefrontpage

    All of the people and police officials involved in this case need to be investigated by state and federal officials for alleged abuse of powers, and that includes O'Reilly–effective immediately. There is no excuse for such behavior. None.

  • smashaduck

    Evidently she prefers batons to loofahs.

  • Inside Edition just hasn't been the same without him.

  • Pragmatist2

    Bill needs to look in a mirror and ask himself this question:
    "Bill, why would any woman you would want to do, want to do you?"

  • Why would BO's wife want sexytime with someone else? Maybe he has a small loofah. Or his falafel balls are unsatisfying. Perhaps his bedtime talking points are also in praise of Sarah Palin™. We can never know. (Really, don't tell us.)

  • Tundra Grifter

    Good thing Mrs. Bull O'Really? lives in New York and not in Florida.

  • edgydrifter


  • VaWyo

    He's a pig who thinks his wife is his personal property, like they were in the good ol' days. So of course he called the cops when someone stole her away. It only gets confusing because the person whole stole her is a also a cop.

  • poncho_pilot

    if i were Bill, i'd falafel about the whole thing.

  • user-of-owls

    "We conservatives want to make government so small it could strangle my wife's boyfriend in a bathtub."

  • gullywompr


  • poncho_pilot

    will this be in Those Who Trespass 2?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Shamoo was married?

  • Guppy06

    Didn't then-governor Palin do something similar?

    And remember: divorce is a sin! Catholic Jesus wants you to stay with your psychologically abusive husband forever and ever!

    • MichelesPantalones

      I thought most deities wanted abused wives to stay in their marriages and do better; and also not to allow boys and girls to marry people with the same-looking peepees.

  • poorgradstudent

    I always suspected that in his personal life Bill O'Reilly acts like a soap opera villain.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Bill O'Reilly acts like a soap opera villain.

      FIFY. NNTT.

  • DahBoner

    Maybe she left Bill because he was bragging about banging Italian whores while his wife was home pregnant?

  • BlueStateLibel

    Oh, Bill-o dear, sorry to break it to you, but a cop having sex with your wife is not against the law. I'm happy to say the only thing you'll be able to do is give her half of your assets, generous alimony, and pray that she doesn't go squawking about what a shithead you are.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Depends on whether they got married in a state that awards the wife half the marital assets. Otherwise, she's SoL. Although, on second thoughts, escaping with one's life might not be too great a price to pay for getting rid of a schmuck like BillO.

  • Sue4466

    So sad. I can't even read the comments on this one. I know it will be full of references to BillO & sex and well, ew. Just ew.

  • Guppy06

    That's a crime punishble by $500 or 6 months in jail in Florida.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Stephen Colbert is on vacation. I wonder if he will weigh in on this news about "Papa Bear" when The Colbert Report returns? He did a great riff on the "F*** it, we'll do it live tape."

  • ttommyunger

    Bill just can't keep himself from making himself a laughing stock. He may well have an "in" with the Chief, but beat cops all over the NY area are laughing their asses off at him (and keeping an eye peeled for him). I'd suggest all road traffic be by Driver from now on and according to the letter of the law. A friend at Sergeant and below is more valuable than one at Lieutenant or above. Only one thing is more satisfying than having one of your own pork some rich blowhard's Honey; that would be porking her yourself.

    • emmelemm

      Good points, all!

      • ttommyunger

        I just hope Bill knows we're laughing at him and not with him.

        • MichelesPantalones

          For all his faults, and he has many, BillO isn't as dumb as most of the Pox Ooze stable. I wanna feel sorry for him, but he was always a vindictive, spiteful bully, and I can't help feeling he's getting his just deserts.

          • ttommyunger

            Those kind usually do. I honestly believe they wear their clothes out from the inside-out; they don't know peace-ever.

          • zhubajie

            Like I tell my students, in the long run, everyone rewards themselves and punishes themselves.

          • MichelesPantalones

            What do you teach in China? English? Or archaeology? Or something else altogether?

            Not intended to pry or make you uncomfortable, just curious.

          • zhubajie

            English, but that can include history and cultural things. Archaeology and history are still interests.

    • zhubajie

      I was waiting for your words of wisdom, TTommy!

      • ttommyunger

        You make my day from across the Globe. I luvs me sum internetz!


    She has that empty sight, very Bachmannatti. Well, 15 years living with that thing…

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm surprised O'Reilly used the real cops instead of the super secret Fox Security that he has used before.

  • prommie

    Was that Mrs. O'Reilly on the hood of that car in New Mexico? Who knows, can anyone prove its not her? She has yet to deny it. Hey Bill, I saw your wife getting pounded by her cop boyfriend!

  • Callyson

    the investigation was highly sensitive for two reasons, the source said: 1) It was ordered directly by then-police commissioner Lawrence Mulvey, and 2) O'Reilly was at the time considering making a major donation to the Nassau County Police Department Foundation, a private not-for-profit foundation Mulvey helped found in 2009 to raise money for construction of a planned $48 million police training facility at Nassau Community College.
    JFC, I don't know what is worse: the fact that these wingnuts think they can buy their way out of anything…or the fact that they appear to be right about that…

  • MinAgain

    You know what they say about the long arm of the law…

    • Come here a minute

      It bends toward justice? No, I don't think they say that.

    • LesBontemps

      It's the short arm that's at issue in this case.

    • MichelesPantalones

      No, so please, feel free to elucidate. What do they say about the long arm of the law? That it can reach all the way up into your wife's knickers?

  • When a man's man no longer wears his wedding ring to the basketball game and then surrounds himself with only men, (and in front row seats, no less) whatever are we to think?

  • fuflans

    bill o'reilly is morally weak.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Bill should talk to high-ranking politicians that can help him out, maybe even a Senator. Perhaps one from Minnesota. HA, I just love reminding Bill of that one.

  • hagajim

    Needs moar Loofah.

  • Arken

    I guess she didn't put down her pipe and pick his pipe up.

  • PubOption

    Maureen McPhilmy O'Reilly sounds like the punchline to a smutty Irish joke.

  • DoktorThompson

    Cop goes in, baby comes out. You can't explain that.

  • Gee it'd be terrible if BillO were somehow accidentally to end up taking a bullet.

  • MiniMencken

    So old Billy O'Reilly walks into the Shamrock & Shillelagh for a pint of Guiness and tells the fellow working the tap, "Boy-o, have ye heard of that new pub that just opened up in Massapequa? I understand that when you go there, you can play pool all you want for free, drink all the beer you want for free and, at the end of the night, ye can have crazy monkey sex with anyone ye fancy that's in the room!"
    "Sounds great," says the barman, "Have ye been there, then?"
    "Naw," says O'Reilly, "But my wife's already been there three times this week!"

    • but the Shamrock & Shillelagh doesn't have Guinness, they only have green beer.

  • MissTaken

    O'Reilly's wife cheated on him? Shocking.

    If this asswipe can't figure out how the tides work, did she really think he could figure out the motion of his ocean?

  • Maureen "McPhilme" O'Reilly? Officer Harasym? Come on, these names are like Mike Hunt and Heywood Giablome. I'd like to believe this story, but it may take time.

  • Troglodeity

    Hey local police department: I am thinking of maybe, just maybe, giving you a couple million bucks. But forget all about that! I'm definitely NOT asking you to sic a goon squad on that mofo who's banging my wife …

  • culture_drone

    In Fox News' defense Gawker Media is a horrible pit of douchebags so I'm not sure who to root for.

  • glamourdammerung

    Cuckold cock goes in, cuckold cock goes out. You can not explain it.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Have they won any Peabodys since?

  • comrad_darkness

    Crazy like a Fox commentator.

  • __kth__

    2nd in a continuing series of things that would make me believe in God: the existence of a sex tape of Mrs O'Reilly and her paramour putting horns on Billo's head, preferably doggie-style.

  • friendlyskies

    Just wait for the Reagan-worshipping golddigger, lasered and botoxed back to a fresh-faced "34," that he marries next spring. His wife may have run off with his dignity, but that bitch is going to be liberal schadenfreude gold.

  • zhubajie

    As long as we're passing on dirt, mudflats has some amusing stuff on the Palins:

  • Negropolis

    Whatever happened to the art of dueling? That's how adultery was settled in the good (bad) ole days. Meh. This is the next most creative way to fuck with your wife's lover.

    • zhubajie

      Mr Cop probably knows how to use a gun. O'reilly? Maybe not so likely.

  • This gives me hope, that finally even those close to these freakish inhuman monsters are running from them.

    When will the American public decide this abusive relationship with Bill O'Reilly is also not worth it?

  • akita96th

    Thats so funny….She dumps one pig for another pig…..

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