COMING OUT PARTIES  10:34 pm August 30, 2011

Dick Cheney Explains Why He Loves Torture (Because He Is Darth Vader)

by Blair Burke

i am your fatherEvil zombie Dick Cheney came back from the dead recently to hack up a book, mostly as a courtesy to the hobos pillaging Borders stores across the country, who would otherwise go without the materials needed to kindle their trash can fires. That book is here now, and it is causing “controversy,” for the people who were unaware that Dick Cheney is an evil zombie, despite how many times he admits that he does not have a soul. “There are gonna be heads exploding all over Washington,” is what he said, because everyone who reads this book is basically waterboarding themselves to death. Also, Dick Cheney would like everyone to know that he is Darth Vader, that scary monster from “Star Wars!”

Dick Cheney went on important journalism forum the TODAY Show on Monday to say a bunch of words that are frightening when they come from Dick Cheney, for example, “heads exploding” and “extracting pounds of flesh.” We have not read this book, “In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir,” so we can probably assume it is just a handbook, for murder.

In the book, Cheney defends his support of waterboarding and the war in Iraq. “I was a big advocate of pursuing controversial policies in order to keep the country safe, and obviously the critics extracted their pound of flesh for that,” he told Matt Lauer in an interview on the “Today” show.

The critics may have extracted a pound of flesh in the past, but many are back — heads exploding or not — with their own take on the statements in Cheney’s book.

Colin Powell, former secretary of State, called Cheney’s statements about him and Condoleezza Rice “cheap shots.” He went on to add, “My head isn’t exploding. I haven’t noticed any other heads exploding in Washington, D.C.”

Conservative commentator George Will said, “Five hundred and sixty five pages and a simple apology would have been in order in some of them. Which is to say, the great fact of those eight years was we went to war — big war, costly war — under false pretenses.”

The Atlantic lists the reasons “why Americans loathe Dick Cheney,” including the war in Iraq, Halliburton, the NSA spying on innocent Americans and using waterboarding in interrogations.

“Cheney defends the indefensible,” Human Rights Watch blogs. “To be clear, interrogation techniques Cheney is defending include forms of torture outlawed under both U.S. and international law.

That would all be important if Dick Cheney had been operating under U.S. law, but apparently he was actually in the jurisdiction of the Galactic Empire, so too bad for “human rights.”

In the interview that aired Tuesday morning, Cheney also conceded he’d been a lightning rod for criticism during the Bush administration. “I’m Darth Vader,” he said, referring to a movie villain.

If Dick Cheney is Darth Vader, where does that put America in the whole Star Wars timeline, exactly? Which is the one where no one has a job and murderous ghosts from the past keep coming around even after we thought they had vanished forever? [LA Times/Guardian]

 

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{ 154 comments }

memzilla August 30, 2011 at 10:37 pm

He's not Darth Vader. He's Emperor Palpatine.

Chillwaver August 30, 2011 at 10:53 pm

No, that's Liebermann.

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 10:58 pm

No, Lieberman is Emperor Palestine.

nounverb911 August 30, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Does that make Lindsey Graham Princess Leia?

Bonzos_Bed_Time August 31, 2011 at 12:18 am

Ugggh, that ruins any Slave-Leia thoughts I've ever had.

iburl August 31, 2011 at 1:40 am

Are those big hambiscuits on the sides of his head?

glamourdammerung August 31, 2011 at 8:12 am

I thought Lieberman was that annoying creature that lived in Rush Limbaugh's fat and would stick out and cackle/spew random noise every now and then.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 31, 2011 at 4:53 pm

I'm pretty sure that is Sean Hannity. Liberman is more like Jar-Jar Binks. Annoying, almost always wrong, and the key to the fascist uprising of the Emperor.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 10:56 pm

more like Emperor Palpitation, amirite?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 30, 2011 at 10:58 pm

He's an asshole and a dick – and that's all he is. Not that he gives a shit, but history will remember him as a criminal asshole and a dick.

smokefilleddoommate August 30, 2011 at 11:15 pm

He's well prepared to go fuck himself..

ManchuCandidate August 30, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Jar Jar Binks. Annoying as hell and helps ruin the Republic through his meddling.

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 3:13 am

Bush is Jar Jar.

smokefilleddoommate August 31, 2011 at 4:58 am

Isn't that what they called his fetus sibling? Oh wait, no that was Jeb.

SorosBot August 31, 2011 at 1:41 am

Yeah; Bush was Vader; and Limbaugh was and still is Jabba.

BarackMyWorld August 31, 2011 at 4:21 am

I wanted to think of him as Grand Moff Tarkin. Now we just need a farmboy and his pet vacuum cleaner to blow up his house.

ProudLibunatic August 31, 2011 at 11:41 am

I've always thought that Cheney had to be Palpatine, because of the pure evil thing.
(Liebermann looks more like him, though.)
Vader's an ol' softy compared to Palpatine/Cheney.

Buzz Feedback August 30, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Cokk-sukker.

AlterNewt August 30, 2011 at 10:45 pm

hee-hee. Blair said "kindle".

fuflans August 30, 2011 at 10:50 pm

you know when i think of the waterboarding and iraq and the compromising of the justice department and john fucking woo and those poor damn birds that had to be transported WITH him so he could shoot them, yeah,

fucking pound of flesh.

BerkeleyBear August 30, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Yoo – Woo's the guy who intentionally makes shit blow up.

Dudleydidwrong August 30, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Cheney, Dick. His own name describes him.

deelzebub August 30, 2011 at 10:52 pm

mostly as a courtesy to the hobos pillaging Borders stores across the country, who would otherwise go without the materials needed to kindle their trash can fires

Ahem, I am not a hobo, but I did pillage a Border's last weekend. I am but a humble nerd who lost her damn mind when faced with aisles of half-priced sci-fi, fantasy, and graphic novels. In conclusion, Dick Cheney is a putrid, festering ass boil; I hope his robot heart runs on Windows.

V572 T-Blow August 31, 2011 at 9:40 am

Cheney is every bit as philanthropically inclined as Steve Jobs.

The "mystery" is why isn't there any?

Trannysurprise August 30, 2011 at 10:52 pm

To be fair to Darth Vader, I don't recall him actually torturing anyone – for laffs.

deelzebub August 30, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Force choking to prove a point, yes, but not for laughs.

zhubajie August 31, 2011 at 1:13 am

No, he had someone else do it for him.

marinmaven August 31, 2011 at 8:26 pm

That hovering torturebot heading into Princess Leia's cell was just in there for her pleasure, of course.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 10:54 pm
Warpde August 30, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Dickidy doo da day….
I served with Darth Vader, I knew Darth Vader, Darth Vader was a friend of mine. Dickless, you are no Darth Vader.

By the way.
Is there any chance of your "Heads exploding" comment being related to a certain hunting trip?

Barb August 30, 2011 at 10:56 pm

Please, please, schedule a book signing at The Hague.

memzilla August 31, 2011 at 1:00 am

Also, Nuremberg, too.

SorosBot August 31, 2011 at 2:02 am

That's one small source of satisfaction; the creep can't leave the USA because he's afraid of being arrested anywhere else. So his vacations are ruined at least.

Negropolis August 30, 2011 at 11:00 pm

In the Star Wars universe, Cheney would be the Emperor, not Darth Vader. Vader would have been Dubya, even though that doesn't exactly fit him.

/nerd

Cheney is a petty, vindictive asshole. I'll question his patriotism, all right. He only loves America up to the point of how much barbarism and cruelties it's able and willing to produce upon a suffering world to dominate it. He is truly a fascist, a word often overused but appropriate for this Dick.

The man has been given chance after chance in these last years of his life to beg for forgiveness or even admit a wrong, and he just keeps burrowing deeper into hell. Fuck him.

ShaveTheWhales August 31, 2011 at 1:09 am

Cheney is the definitive example of the "chickenhawk". I cannot understand why every current or former member of the US military does not spit on him at every opportunity.

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 3:11 am

When your average, depraved, humanoid schmuck sells his soul to the devil, he or she at least has enough of a conscience to structure it so it's a rent-to-own dealy so that you can pull out of it with a penalty if you get cold feet. This bastard soul his sold whole-hog right up front. And, what did he do it for? What did he gain? A heart that no longer works, a legacy shot to hell, and the derision of the world.

This man is an honest-to-goodness incubus. Hes gets off on causing anxiety, pain, fear and all the rest.

Rotundo_ August 31, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Your assessment of Dick is more generous than he merits, regarding Star Wars analogies, Dubya doesn't have the intellectual heft to be a Jar Jar Binks, much less Vader. What's mind boggling is that Bush is an intellectual giant next to Perry. And for some reason, all of the stupid shit he says (and has said in the past) hasn't bit him in the ass yet. I hate to imagine a "Dubya Lite" presidency. Team Ricky with someone with Cheneys' utter remorseless evil and we could be in for a ride that makes us nostalgic for the "good ol' days" with Dubya and Satan.

Negropolis September 1, 2011 at 1:08 am

I might be eating my hat with a side of crow, but if Ricky ain't damaged goods by October, I'll be surprised.

GhostBuggy August 30, 2011 at 11:00 pm

"Conservative commentator George Will said, 'Five hundred and sixty five pages and a simple apology would have been in order in some of them. Which is to say, the great fact of those eight years was we went to war — big war, costly war — under false pretenses.'”

Gosh, Mr. Will, if only you had some kind of media outlet in which you could have mentioned this at an earlier date.

ShaveTheWhales August 31, 2011 at 1:10 am

Yeah, like, say eight years earlier, George you bow-tied POS.

Moonbat August 31, 2011 at 9:27 am

Afuckingmen!

Rotundo_ August 31, 2011 at 5:58 pm

And he will support the next moron in chief whose strings are being yanked by a sociopathic prick like Dick with the same flowing prose. Flowing in the same sense that plumbers describe: Shit flows downhill at a 5% grade.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 11:02 pm

so if Cheney uses his robot hand to sign copies of his book will the wingnuts be up in arms like they were about Obama's…dun dun duuuuun…Autopen?

smokefilleddoommate August 30, 2011 at 11:05 pm

My Time: In Umbria

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 11:07 pm

vs. Our Time: In Umbrage".

smokefilleddoommate August 30, 2011 at 11:11 pm

The Newspapers, The Coffee, The Pacing Around

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 11:21 pm

oops! (forgot about his hallucinations.)

United Altered States, maybe? The Lair Of The White Worm wouldn't need to be changed.

smokefilleddoommate August 30, 2011 at 11:32 pm

and the Kiss of the Spider Woman..

Texan_Bulldog August 30, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I think fathering Liz Cheney might be almost as bad as shooting the 78 year old in the face. But I have my doubts that Dick has ever done anything human-like in his life.

iburl August 31, 2011 at 1:43 am

Lizardman is Lizardmanish.

SayItWithWookies August 30, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Dick Cheney lived the American exceptionalism experience — when you're good by default, you can do all sorts of unspeakable horrors to other nations and millions of people — oh, and your own nation and its millions too — because evil in the service of good is apparently no vice.

Fuck you, Dick Cheney — your ethos is as un-American as that of anyone who has ever hid behind the curtain of some all-powerful enemy. And yet that enemy was two dipshits in a cave, for which you rescinded half the rights precious to Americans.

Without your dumbass toady salad-tosser-in-chief we would've been over 9/11 after April 2002. It took a real calculating horrible bastard to turn it into a forgotten quagmire that's still fucking going on. So congratulations, motherfucker — you are the embodiment of everything you professed to be defending America against. If we could save us from the you that we are, we would be a great country.

Negropolis August 30, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Without your dumbass toady salad-tosser-in-chief we would've been over 9/11 after April 2002.

This is what drives me absolutely mad. If this would have been anyone else — anyone — we might have been bombing somewhere, but we'd have NEVER went into Iraq. I don't care what anyone says; that was a Bush family personal goal and vendetta more than anything else. You have to be goddamned depraved and have the will of god to take a Bin Laden attack on the United States and then warp it so far outside of reality that you end up in Iraq. Their willpower was absolutely stunning in its boldness.

MrFizzy August 30, 2011 at 11:33 pm

A good example of opportunity meeting ignorance, and evil.

Nothingisamiss August 31, 2011 at 8:40 am

I am outraged, as well. This would be over, and a stronger nation for it…the teabaggers could just say "Hell, YEAH, no matter what they threw at us we just kept moving forward!" Instead of this endless, horrible fucking cycle of war. What will the millions of returning veterans have to show for their service (traumatic brain injuries) and what of the horror wrecked upon the people of Iraq. (Was Saddam worse than war?) It drives me INSANE. Oh, and now that we have no money (Cheney/Bush excepted, of course) poor, sick or old people will pay in suffering. That horrible, horrible, shit.

/no end to my rant.

Mumbletypeg August 30, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Jesus-flippin'-Christ on a griddle. Well said, Wookies.

Steverino247 August 30, 2011 at 11:53 pm

And yet, impeachment was "off the table."

Fuck you, too, Nancy.

SayItWithWookies August 31, 2011 at 12:11 am

It was an awful decision, especially because it placed political calculation above human rights. Don't the legalists always say that the innocent have nothing to fear from an investigation? And yet healthcare and the ARRA and many other good things wouldn't've passed without her. So I can't give her a fuck you, but it's still appalling.

ShaveTheWhales August 31, 2011 at 1:13 am

At the risk of repeating myself, it also would never have gone anywhere, because more than 34 Republican Senators, so no conviction and a a big waste of time. Sorry, but that's Constitutional America.

imissopus August 31, 2011 at 1:41 am

You beat me to it. Months of political theater for an acquittal that Repubs could spin as a vindication of Bush/Cheney policies, just in time for the '08 elections. If anything it just points up one more way that our system is broken, what with the polarized parties and permanent campaigns and 24/7 analysts babbling on the TV, so that we can't use impeachment for its intended purpose of punishing the criminality of someone like Cheney.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 3:00 am

Not to mention the fact that impeachment has *political,* but not criminal, consequences. So impeachment would have resulted in Bush being out of political life,if he was convicted. The process of conviction would have taken at least a year, if not more, and Bush was not going to run again anyway. We were, IIRC, furious about the money wasted in the attempt to impeach Clinton.

Chet Kincaid August 31, 2011 at 1:01 am

Jeez Wooks, save something for the eulogy. Or are you afraid he'll outlive us all?

SayItWithWookies August 31, 2011 at 1:05 am

Well he said he's torture again in a heartbeat — and yet he doesn't have one. Motherfucker knows what he's doing.

SorosBot August 31, 2011 at 1:59 am

Well, he is more machine now than man; twisted and evil.

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 3:18 am

Another WIN.

Nothingisamiss August 31, 2011 at 8:42 am

If this gave him ONE SECOND of pain or pause this could be comforting. Does Miche1e think God is trying to tell him something by taking away his fucking heart?!

No.

owhatever August 30, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Puke. Republicans are shocked, just shocked! They had no idea! Fuck Cheney and the elephants he rode in on.

nounverb911 August 30, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Needs more deferments.

smokefilleddoommate August 30, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Needs more coma.

bumfug August 30, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Dick Cheney is an amoral old shitheel who did things for one reason only and that was to enrich his friends who are, one and all, also amoral old shitheels. Since technology is being perverted into a way to keep him alive, we really need to take advantage of it and arrest this sack of fuck immediately and put him on trial for war crimes, treason and what the fuck, just being Dick Cheney.

Warpde August 30, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Dick your behind the times.
Star Wars? Waterboard? Vader?
Don't you know that that was a long, long time ago blah, blah, blah`?
Now we have Star Trek, Centurion slugs and Nero.
Get with the times old man.

GhostBuggy August 31, 2011 at 12:27 am

If Cheney ever saw that movie, he'd wonder aloud why Kirk doesn't simply invade the Klingon homeworld after Nero destroys Vulcan.

ManchuCandidate August 30, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Not Darth Vader. He did some nasty shit and killed a lot of people, but he helped the Emperor win (in the lame prequels.) Based on the fact that Dick "Dick" Cheney doesn't have the balls to hurt/kill anyone (besides shooting an 80 year old Tejas lawrat in the face during a wussy canned hunt) and only cheerleaded all this shit, he's fucking Jar Jar Binks.

mavenmaven August 30, 2011 at 11:50 pm

The whole current Republican lineup is Jar Jar Binks.

SorosBot August 31, 2011 at 1:55 am

I'll have to disagree; the prequels were not lame, only Phantom Menace; Attack of the Clones was OK, and Revenge of the Sith was great.

GunToting[Redacted] August 31, 2011 at 9:41 am

"NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!"

mumbly_joe August 31, 2011 at 10:24 am

Probably worth rewatching, then- Phantom Menace had some plausibility and continuity issues, but was frankly was either the best or second-best of the series. Clones, in particular, was absolutely atrocious, in terms of dialogue, pacing, writing, plot, pretty much everything. The only redeeming things about the latter two installments were a) Samuel L Jackson being a badass, b) CGI Yoda being one also too, and c) the relative absence of Jar Jar Binks.

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 3:15 am

Based on the fact that Dick "Dick" Cheney doesn't have the balls to hurt/kill anyone…

You have got to be kidding me. If he'd have been put in the position to order deaths (such as a president for wars, or a governor for capital punishments) he'd have been the most prolific political killer this land has ever known.

ManchuCandidate August 31, 2011 at 4:55 am

It's easy to kill with the stroke of a pen (anyone can do that, hell even I can do that), but Darth did a lot of his own dirty work face to face. Dick don't have the balls for that.

Nothingisamiss August 31, 2011 at 8:46 am

I think of him as a man who could torture–in person–for the pleasure of having done it. He was just being pragmatic about Vietnam. Live to kill another day. (When it's more profitable to him personally.)

Negropolis September 1, 2011 at 1:05 am

Cheney would knife-crime an infant if he thought he could get away with it.

capnhuggyface August 30, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Space Balls!

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 11:40 pm

he wasn't just doing it for the money. he was doing it for a whole shit load of money.

johnnyzhivago August 30, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Hey Dick Cheney is people too! Oh wait, no he isn't.

MrFizzy August 30, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Die already, please.

johnnyzhivago August 30, 2011 at 11:36 pm

If Cheney is anxious to see heads explode, he should swallow a hand grenade while watching himself in a mirror.

hilbillyheroine August 30, 2011 at 11:38 pm

OT: Biden was here in Tulsa today. My son in law was one of the State Troopers running shotgun. He's a Republican, bless his heart. His wife (my daughter) and I are both
Democrats. He promised me he'd get a picture. He didn't. He said that Biden's 30 minute PRIVATE reception required almost 60 law enforcement officers..for several hours…I hope that fund raiser was God fucking awesome. Cuz I babysat 14 hours today!!!!

zhubajie August 31, 2011 at 1:15 am

Our leaders all live in a Forbidden City. They never see how we live, we never speak to them.

gurukalehuru August 31, 2011 at 3:17 am

I'm sorry to hear that your son is a Republican.

glamourdammerung August 31, 2011 at 8:16 am

Maybe your Republican State Trooper son in law should tell his pals to knock off all the inciting crazies and then there would not need to be that large a police presence. Assuming of course that he did not pull that story out of his arse.

DerrickWildcat August 30, 2011 at 11:38 pm

7 copies free with a subscription to NewsMax!

Radiotherapy® August 30, 2011 at 11:43 pm

As we approach the 10th Anniversary of the Day of Heroes, what greater commemoration can we offer than the memoirs of the man, who with his Ventricular Left Assist Device, has protected us against the global war of terrorism. Despite all criticism of enhanced interrogation, actionable intelligence and full support of national defense — and in the face of a morally weak administration in place — Dick Cheney protected us from the hordes of jihadists under Saddam Hussein in Iraq and around the world were waiting, D-Day style, to attack us, our exceptionable nation, for seven and a half years. Aren't we lucky, and isn't a coincidence, that this autobiography of one of the lions of Neoconservatism is released on the tin and aluminum anniversary?

Doktor Zoom August 31, 2011 at 12:31 am

Well, that's disturbing. Almost makes me want to rethink naming my '73 Chevy "Vlad the Impala."

Almost.

Rotundo_ August 31, 2011 at 6:09 pm

So what anniversary is the shit anniversary.

mavenmaven August 30, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I would have gone with Sauron myself (yes, going with either reference means I don't get laid for a week anyway). No one in Star Wars was as malevolent.

valgal2342 August 30, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Expensive toilet paper.

FlownOver August 30, 2011 at 11:50 pm

I find your lack of pulse disturbing.

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 2:54 am

Most impressive…

Sharkey August 31, 2011 at 11:38 am

The farce is strong with this one.

Steverino247 August 30, 2011 at 11:51 pm

I'll tell you what he is. HE'S A FUCKING WAR CRIMINAL!

Arrest the sonofabitch!

DashboardBuddha August 31, 2011 at 12:01 am

Sorry assface…Darth Vader had style.

Arken August 31, 2011 at 12:10 am

Where does that put America? We're Tattooine, of course. A grubby little backwater filled with rednecks who loves them some racin' and run by a corporate/mafia elite.

hollywooddood August 31, 2011 at 12:11 am

I wonder if when Dick is counting his war profits he ever thinks of the 6024 American troops who died for oil, the thousands more maimed and utterly fucked up with PTSD and the 100,000s of dead Iraqis.

Nah.

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 2:56 am

I wish is was for something as tangible as oil; I wish it was for something even mostly for oil. Mostly, and sadly, it was for Bush's ego and that of the Project for the New Americna Century's.

MichelesPantalones August 31, 2011 at 3:05 am

At least 1 million dead Iraqis. In the Lancet/Johns Hopkins study of 2006, the toll was estimated at 655,000; and the killing has not stopped yet.

Nostrildamus August 31, 2011 at 12:25 am

Fish gotta swim,
Birds gotta fly,
I gotta torture
Brown people till I die…

smokefilleddoommate August 31, 2011 at 4:36 am

With just a touch of my burning hand
I send my astro zombies to rape the land
Prime directive
Exterminate the whole human race
And your face drops in a pile of flesh
Then your heart, heart pounds till it pumps in death
Prime directive, exterminate the whole fuckin' place

Doktor Zoom August 31, 2011 at 12:30 am

He's no Vader. More of a Grand Moff Tarkin, a weaselly functionary who's utterly amoral, concerned only with "getting results."

Uh…not that I take this shit seriously.

arihaya August 31, 2011 at 12:40 am

maybe he is Darth Vader or maybe he is Palpatine

but we al know for sure that Dubya is a Wookie

SayItWithWookies August 31, 2011 at 1:07 am

Now that's uncalled for.

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 2:58 am

That fucker wishes he had the courage and loyalty of a Wookie.

smokefilleddoommate August 31, 2011 at 4:15 am

No shit.. [trying to type Wookiespeak phonetically but can't]

Chet Kincaid August 31, 2011 at 1:17 am

Keep flushin' that condom!

anakinnotdick August 31, 2011 at 1:17 am

Darth Vader was once a human with the potential to do great good.

Unlike Dick Cheney.

zhubajie August 31, 2011 at 1:18 am

The whole Bush regime always reminded me of the early Byzantine empire, described by Ammianus, what with religious fanatic emperors, venal eunuch advisers, sinister bureaucrats like Paul the Chain. Cheney is one of the eunuchs.

zhubajie August 31, 2011 at 1:18 am

Cheney is admitting to all kinds of atrocities and tortures, because he knows the American people are too wimpy to punish him.

tribbzthesquidz August 31, 2011 at 1:29 am

This book was proudly displayed at the grocery store tonight. All up in my face. Like it's something to be proud of.
Im Mein Zeit.

SorosBot August 31, 2011 at 1:43 am

I have learned Cheney was the next regeneration of the British Prime Minister Mr. Saxon.

SwanSwanH August 31, 2011 at 1:51 am

Stop baiting the Star Wars geeks commenters, Blair.

MiniMencken August 31, 2011 at 2:20 am

As an older dude, I have have known so many young people who volunteered for military service after 9/11 (and I did, in the days after the event, but I was judged too old or something). It struck me, they had grown up with the Star Wars movies and figurines. Did any of them serving in Iraq think that they were now the Imperial Storm Troopers? And Cheney was Darth Vader? Just curious.

gurukalehuru August 31, 2011 at 3:22 am

This book is, whatever else it is, a confession. Exhibit A in the war crimes trial of former vice president Richard Cheney.
If even George fucking Will has turned against him, I honestly can't understand the downside of this for Obama. Tell Eric Holder to bring the charges today, based on what's in the book, and take it from there.

mumbly_joe August 31, 2011 at 5:24 am

Hey, Dick (and I hope I can call you Dick, because you are one). I have an idea. If you're so certain that you did the right thing, why not take a one-way flight to, say, Spain, or Switzerland, or the Netherlands, and lay out your case for them, over there? Bring a copy of your book, too. I'm absolutely certain that they'll be every bit as sympathetic and understanding as various US news media outlets who are letting you market your book for free. I'm sure. Trust me. You'll be fine.

mumbly_joe August 31, 2011 at 5:27 am

Oh, and meanwhile, this guy wrote a book about how he was tortured at Guantanimo bay by the Bush Administration, and had royalties withheld from his book, because of the principle that people shouldn't profit from their crimes. Except that he was never actually charged with anything, of course- only tortured.

jakegittes August 31, 2011 at 6:43 am

My wife and I take some minor joy from visiting our local Costco, picking up the latest right winger tome of the day, putting it in our shopping basket and then positioning it in the paper goods aisle prominently visible amongst the toilet paper display. We shall do all of that as well with Cheney's book. We ask all Wonketeers that patronize Costco (a company that somewhat fairly treats its employees), to do the same in a huge nationwide political demonstration. All of this at the risk of us demonstrators being labelled "terrists" by those still blindly allegiant to the Cheney ethos.

┼čahinnparadise August 31, 2011 at 6:55 am
angryclownspawn August 31, 2011 at 7:27 am

Well, its a good thing Obama didn't prosecute any of the war criminals from the last administration so we could "move on" and "put things behind us" and "heal our nation", no?

glamourdammerung August 31, 2011 at 8:11 am

And that was Obama's single biggest screw up. And is going to be, unless he manages to choke on a pretzel and somehow nuke half the country by mistake.

jimbo2112 August 31, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Eh, Obama seems intent on carrying the Cheney/Bush agenda across the goal line. Although, sometimes he seems the Badfinger to Dick's Beatles. Or something.

At any rate, there is a special corner of Hell reserved for human turds like Dick Cheney.

BaldarTFlagass August 31, 2011 at 7:57 am

I bet he's really pissed that he didn't think up the eye-gonorrhea thing himself.

DemonicRage August 31, 2011 at 8:03 am

This brave patriot revealed to the nation how Condolezza Rice teared up and wept as she told him that, of course, he had been right on some policy dispute. Now all future presidents will know better than to appoint a woman to any position of any authority. Thank you, Dick!

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 8:07 am

I hope you don't believe that story.

glamourdammerung August 31, 2011 at 8:09 am

Are you implying that Cheney's account is inaccurate? Well, I guess he would agree that we should waterboard him to get to the truth.

EatsBabyDingos August 31, 2011 at 8:51 am

What a doucheberg.

StarsUponThars August 31, 2011 at 9:09 am

Cheney is the only vice president to have his own theme song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZHkkLBOrvE

(It's Evil Dick by Body Count, NSFW of course)

shirleyplz August 31, 2011 at 9:17 am

Something happened to him during those long hours hiding in his 'indisclosed location' after the attacks on the WTC. A breakdown in his psyche,he was petrified scared out his wits.
He crapped his pants he was so scared in his bunker that day/night,&then the transmutation into full human monster:hateful,angry,revengeful & powerhungry to inflict pain on others.

He became the Horror as he wastoo weak to resist.
He was too powerful to fight.

He should be reminded everywhere he goes that he carries the Stink of Loosed Bowells, for that he what he is for America.

FakaktaSouth August 31, 2011 at 9:22 am

Whatever man, Darth Vader was cool. If this crazy old fuck, who actually LOOKS like the buzzard eagle thing from the muppets weren't VP he'da just been "that lunatic fly fisherman with all the dead bodies in his river." He was simply lucky enough to be a sociopath that got rich and powerful so all his murderin' became acceptible. Die already, you modern miracle of government healthcare.

DaRooster August 31, 2011 at 9:22 am

Has ANYONE started the War Crimes Trial paperwork yet?
C'mon.

LiveToServeYa August 31, 2011 at 9:26 am

Only a sad organ grinder keeps playing after his monkey has run off and the crowd has gone away.

freakishlywrong August 31, 2011 at 9:43 am

Not that I'll be watching, but he'll be stinking up the set of Mornin' Joe! tomorrow. Our media should be ashamed they're giving this criminal a platform to shill his crimes. Disgusting.

prommie August 31, 2011 at 9:44 am

There is a story that he once went on a "canned hunt," thats where people who raise game birds just to release the helpless things in front of armed rich shitbags, and he slaughtered hundreds, no kidding, this was a mainstream press story, NY Times or WaPo, he slaughtered hundreds of tame birds in an afternoon. Hired hands releasing essentially retarded pheasants with no idea how to live on the wild in front of him, and he just spent the day killing, and killing, and killing. Thats not hunting, thats killing. He is a fucking pig, a fucking piece of shit, an evil, evil, murderous piece of shit, and I wish stomach cancer on him.

GunToting[Redacted] August 31, 2011 at 9:55 am

You should have heard what he actually asked for. Apparently he wanted the handlers to release flocks of geriatric lawyers for him to shoot. They were able to talk him down to a single specimen.

Rotundo_ August 31, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Canned hunts are all the rage with the wealthy: With birds they have to kick the pheasant/grouse/generic bird in the ass to get it to fly so they can shoot the thing. In the case of buffalo they're usually corralled. In the case of bears, they're caged (remember the limp dicked country singer yokel who shot the caged bear?). In the case of larger game, they are lead to where the damned thing is standing, staked out waiting and shoot it. They take home the head or other parts to mount for the trophy room and leave the rest for the peasants to eat, if they feel any sense of embarassment, or leave it to rot if they do not. Safari Club International is a swell bunch of folks. Just like big swingin' Dick.

sezme August 31, 2011 at 10:14 am

I guess the "pound of flesh" he was referring to was his heart. Of course removing that organ from his body only made him stronger. In his case, his heart turned out to be as essential for his well-being as an appendix or tonsils are for the rest of us.

(Not to shit all over other victims of heart disease whose lives have been saved by modern medicine, but in his case the metaphor is just so fucking appropriate.)

Oblios_Cap August 31, 2011 at 10:31 am

"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice" was a bunch of bullshit when Goldwater said it and it's still bullshit today.

Chet Kincaid August 31, 2011 at 10:58 am

After the late-70's novelty of Hollywood taking science fiction seriously enough to make it look convincing on-screen with state-of-the-art muppets, stop-motion and model planes, "Empire," the best of the lot, implied the series was moving into something in the ballpark of complexity and thoughtfulness. But "Jedi" proved Lucas was morally weak.

If you were older than 12 in 1978 and had read the stuff for which "Star Wars" served as the children's version, the series isn't that interesting. More interesting is Lucas's expansion of Indiana Jones into a TV series that inserted the character into a complex and real pre-WWII history, but kids aren't into action figures of Pancho Villa and Freud.

The prequels were weighed down by too much concern with the attention span of 6 year olds, merchandising/licensing strategy, the boring machinations of a foregone conclusion, and bad acting.

You goddamned kids better not TP my house!!

Arla August 31, 2011 at 12:07 pm

What a repulsive fucking sociopath he is. Only Dick Cheney would be like LOL YEP I'M DARTH VADER.

thefrontpage August 31, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Dick Cheney is a criminal, and he should be charged, arrested, tried, found guilty–and tossed in jail, health problems or not. The same for Bush, Rumsfeld, Rice and all of the others. They're criminals. Cheney will stand in reality as one of the absolute worst, and one of the most corrupt, vice presidents in the entire history of the United States. Bush II will stand, on all levels, as one of the absolute worst presidents in U.S. history, along with Nixon, Reagan, and Bush I. There's no coincidence that many of the same people worked for all four of these corrupt, criminal and unethical administrations. They're all morons, idiots–and criminals.

anniegetyerfun August 31, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I THINK I agree with what George Will said, but I am having trouble parsing his sentence.

anniegetyerfun August 31, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Even though they are both composed of 50% mechanical parts, Cheney is half the man that Darth Vader is. And that's saying something, as Darth Vader doesn't exist.

Porter Melmoth August 31, 2011 at 1:36 pm

If Cheney is Darth Vader, then who would his secret son be?

Porter Melmoth August 31, 2011 at 1:40 pm

In all seriousness, Col. Lawrence Wilkerson (Colin Powell's gutsy chief of staff) has offered to testify against Cheney when he comes to trial, and he's much more serious than I could ever be.
(See excellent interview on Democracy Now!)

terriblyfamous August 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I think it's obvious we're living in an Empire Strikes Back time frame.

Pat_Pending August 31, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Hey, how many deferments did Darth Vader ask for?? HMMMMM????

ttommyunger September 1, 2011 at 6:58 am

Every country in history has had its Dick Cheney, it just that ours, unfortunately, refuses to die.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Fist Of The North Star?

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