time travel

Ancient Evidence of Rick Perry’s Brief Humanity Surfaces In Old Letter

photo of rick perry post-transformation into secessionist teabagger asshole.Newsflash, we guess: Rick Perry miraculously sounds like a sentient human in a secret communique he typed to Hillary Clinton (!) at some point 18 years ago before the demons of compassion lost the battle for his soul. Perry wrote the letter as Texas Agricultural Commissioner to praise Clinton for her attempt at the time to begin reforming health care and requested Clinton consider rural Texas and its struggles to maintain medical access for its agricultural workers. “Rural populations have a high proportion of uninsured people, rising health care costs, and often experience lack of services,” Perry wrote to her with a voice showing concern for others so alien to the toxic sludge-flavored acid trip known as the Rick Perry Experience that we had to wonder: is it real? Apparently, since Rick Perry’s campaign immediately responded by defending him with a more familiar line: he had no clue what was really going on.

The full text of the letter can be seen here. One notable passage:

As the Agriculture Commissioner for the State of Texas, I have a strong interest in the problem of health care delivery to rural areas. Over 50 hospitals have closed in rural Texas since the mid-eighties. Most rural communities have problems with access to adequate health care due to shortage of physicians, clinics and hospitals within a safe driving distance.

And here is Rick Perry’s campaign today, from the DC:

“You need to read the letter,” top Perry political strategist Dave Carney told The Daily Caller. “He praised her efforts in trying to tackle the issue and urged her not to overlook rural Americans. The letter was at the onset of her efforts before she proposed anything. No one could have imagined the horrible monstrosity she cooked up, in fact not to be outdone until ObamaCare years later.”

Yes, good they avoided that horrible monstrosity from that very dark chapter of Rick Perry’s brief stint as a recognizable human and Texas Agricultural Commissioner. And then Texas went on to have the highest rate of uninsured Americans in the entire country under Governor Rick Perry, everyone was happy, the end. [The DC]

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    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "I was for health care for the poors before I sold out to big business and became a true Republican."

    2. Terry

      "I was for health care for the poors before I realized that the crazy people who might vote for me or give me money are against it."

  1. BarackMyWorld

    +10 TeaTard Points for turning this into an attack on Obama, but -100 Rational Points for being ridiculous.

  2. Lascauxcaveman

    Hard to believe Rick Perry was ever anything as useful as an Agricultural Commissioner. Much less one that actually felt concern for actual agricultural workers. (Mexicans? Really?!)

      1. Negropolis

        So, that's what the kids are calling sheep-fucking, these days? I guess this is the Christian way of doing it; you have to make a proper spouse of them.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          I was just making reference to Perry's academic activities at Texas A&M. The Huffington Post claims to have obtained the governor's college transcript. Apparently he was on academic probation until he decided to run for student government (I guess God called him then, too). Henceforth he improved somewhat, but overall his grades remained worse than the ones W. earned at Yale. HP's Jason Cherkis writes, “Perry also did poorly in classes within his animal science major. In fall semester 1970, he received a D in veterinary anatomy, a F in a second course on organic chemistry and a C in animal breeding. He did get an A in world military systems and “Improv. of Learning” — his only two As while at A&M.” Perhaps that A in World Military Systems would impress Darth Cheney.—

  3. nounverb911

    "due to shortage of physicians, clinics and hospitals within a safe driving distance"
    No place in Texas is a safe driving distance away.

  4. Lucidamente1

    The late Murray Kempton used to divide politicians into "fake fakes" and "genuine fakes," the latter generally winning elections. Rick Perry has taken genuine fakery to a new level.

    The speed of his reply makes me wonder: who is Perry's Karl Rove?

    1. Rotundo_

      I've been wondering the same thing: Someone is pulling this crackers' strings and whoever it is, is golden. I woulda thought that being the chair for Gore 1988 in Tejas would have marked the death knell for him, but he just keeps going. I know that Rover was just one of hundreds of sneaky little shits in college repubs but whoever this one is, they must be pretty good to keep Goodhair from imploding yet. Color me impressed and depressed.

    2. V572 T-Blow

      You'll be sorry you asked: just heard on NPR that Douglas Feith, the "the fucking stupidest guy on the face of the earth" by one account, and profoundly unself-aware arrogant prick Donald Rumsfeld are briefing the candidate on military and foreign affairs.

        1. V572 T-Blow

          Wolfowitz and Perle are probably available at a substantial discount from the hourly rates of their glory days (Mar 20-23, 2003). Look out, Iran!

      1. Nothingisamiss

        Holy shit. I've been wondering the same thing, and now that we have a little answer I'm gobsmacked. I assumed (silly me) that he was just the newest shiny object. What's interesting is that the Bushies and Rove hate him by all accounts…..What is the shithead Rumsfield doing with this? And speaking of these unspeakable people…haven't they fucked us up enough? Why can't evil retire? ('Cause I'll ne ver be able to.)

        1. Dudleydidwrong

          Feith will do anything once any Reich Wing Pavlov rings the bell–he has no scruples and less intelligence. Rumsfeld probably signed up as a "famous name" and gets some money for the effort; the taxes on his St. Michaels (MD) property are due.

          Both are "Jolly Punching Clowns" who keep popping up until someone sticks a pin and deflates them.

        2. Rotundo_

          Feith and Rummy don't surprise me on defense and foreign policy, both are big on deathstar like weapon systems that don't work and sending troops off to "conflicts" without the proper equipment. But whoever is pulling his strings in a more meta sense, messaging etc. I still do not know, and so far, Ricky is shooting his mouth off with relatively little damage on the GOP side of things. Everybody knows he is dumber than a bag of hammers, but the realization hasn't hit home with the Republicans yet. When most of the old crew GOP comes out and just says that he is an idiot, and yet he pulls the numbers he does, it has to be magic. Whether it is the magic of GOP stupidity or ginned up poll numbers it still is magic. Hopefully it is just the reaction of the party to a crowd of candidates that are all idiots and once they find that the white knight from Tejas is one too the horse('s ass) race will begin in earnest.

      2. Preferred Customer

        I heard that, too. The word "unbelievable" is used to often about things that aren't religion, but it is completely appropriate here. How anyone could listen to those guys is beyond comprehension. Hell, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't listen to Rumsfeld if he told me NOT to drink sulfuric acid.

      3. fuflans

        i heard this too. it was confirmation that there's more there there than b/t rick perry's ears.

        also: why he terrifies me.

      4. Dashboard_Jesus

        oh fuck, I hadn't thought of that evil fuck Feith in years, the asshole was one of the BIGGEST chickenshit chickenhawk scumbags who pushed the hell that is STILL the O.I.L. (Operation Iraq Liberation, natch) I wish Tommy Franks woulda just had one of his Rangers or Seals or whatever take this fucker out rather than subject the world to any more of his stupidity, just one well-trained US military sniper coulda ended the miserable stain on the earth that is Doug Feith (ask me what I REALLY think of the asshole!)

      1. fuflans

        i don't think so. the gossip circuits have it that rove HATES perry and has for a long time.

        which could explain rumsfeld supporting him (do i remember correctly that rove was a 'bush creature' and always at odds with bush senior creatures rumsfeld, cheney?

        or i could just be drunk. again.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          Oh, that's interesting. Why on Earth would Karl not love his old boss's equally dim doppelganger, I wonder?

  5. MissTaken

    Ah, a shiny-new Republican Perry was already showing the GOP tendency to support stuff that benefits their local jurisdictions and saying 'fuck off' to the rest of America.

  6. mavenmaven

    Nothing like some appropriate campaign support from powerful rich people to open his eyes to a new understanding of the situation.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      gawd how I miss Ms. Molly, she was NOT afraid to call out these "all hat no cattle" fake cowboys like Bush and Guv 'Goodhair' Perry (I believe Molly nailed that name on Perry's fake ass when he was Lt Guv, an even MORE useless job in TexASS than Guv!)

  7. MissusBarry

    He was obviously suggesting to HC that she pray about the uninsured rural poorz and let the invisible hand lay itself on them to heal them. Obviously. And that, only for the whites.

    1. Rotundo_

      Yes, but they usually turn black and wither like Big Swingin' Dick Cheneys' heart has. I think they only have hearts in the sentimental sense when it comes to their own young, and then it ends at the edge of their food bowl so to speak.

  8. DahBoner

    "No one could have imagined the horrible monstrosity she cooked up"

    Rick Perry is a Hillary Souffle?


  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Isn't it strange how Conservatism, much like Syphilis, causes a rotting of the brain so that logical, reasonable position that you held only a decade before suddenly must be denied like the Apostle Peter before the cock crows. If Romney, Perry, Pawlenty, etc. etc. actually ran on what they govern like, versus what the 'baggers want to hear, they might have a chance to do something good for this country. Unfortunately, the Conservative movement in this country has long since divorced itself from rationality, and forces all Republicans to repudiate themselves and anything intelligent they might have said.

    This is, of course, the Palinization of the Conservatism. What used to be a movement of ideas is now a movement of grifters looking out for what is best for them and for those that bankroll them.

  10. genxr

    Shortage of doctors in rural areas? Sounds like the free market at work. If those poor rural farmers want doctors, they can offer a higher salary than, say, Houston oil billionaires and investment bankers.

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else was force to renounce everything s/he believed in in order to gain more power?

      1. V572 T-Blow

        Except Barry didn't get any more power. What's that expression that comes to mind, something about crippled waterfowl?

        1. Guppy06

          You know… if November '10 through January '11 are indication, the surest way to get Barry to do something left of center is to vote him out.

          We'd have single-payer by Christmas.

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          why yes I do, he was my first and favorite corporate cartoon spokesman (spokestoon?) as a kid, and 'ol Reddy probably paved the way in making me a docile, easily manipulated puppet for the right-wing phony fundies that came along later to shove the 'free market' philosophy up the butts of my *followers*…hey kids LUV cartoons right?! (I hear Ronnie Raygun was Reddy's BFF!) http://www.addictinginfo.org/2011/01/10/republica

  12. Goonemeritus

    Reads a little like Rick had fallen prey to Hillary’s powerful sexual aura and compelling child bearing hips.

    1. nappyduggs

      And she's got bigger plums than most of the dudes he secretly lusts after; so it's like the Trifecta.

  13. flamingpdog

    A polished, considerate, logical letter written to Hillary from Rick Perry.

    Who REALLY wrote this?

  14. edgydrifter

    He wrote "I have a strong interest in the problem of health care delivery to rural areas," but it's pronounced "Heh! Compassion's for sissies. Now watch me kick this orphan–shazam!"
    Texan is a hard language.


      So why a letter to the First Lady, instead of involving the local health care providers (hospitals, doctors, clinics)? He doesn't believe in markets' abilities to allocate resources? The Invisible Hand-Sanitizer? Eh?

      1. Jukesgrrl

        When he's in state government he thinks the Feds should pay for everything. When he's running for president, nothing is the Feds' responsibility. He's just demonstrating his suitability for public office.

    1. Rotundo_

      My doG, you might be on to something-They were infected with…………………………………………………………IGNORANCE! RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!11!!!1!

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "back in 1993, George W. Bush could speak in complete, coherent sentences"

      I'll believe it when I see it on YouTube.

  15. JackObin

    And now I guess he wants to send them to Doctor Jesus. I hear he has a terrible manger-side manner.

    1. DahBoner

      It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

      Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

      Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"

      Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."

      "And why did you take him?"

      With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

      1. flamingpdog

        And even hard-bitten Joe Friday was too touched to slap handcuffs on little Jimmy and throw him in the back of the squad car.


      Agriculture Commissioner? In Texas? Ken, would you write me a good recommendation? Or, should I ask Benincasa Sara-Lou?

  16. AlaskaGrrl

    I'm sure that after eight years a s governor of Texas, rural Texas is a model of rural health care and that has open and equitable access for the poorest of citizens.

    Just kidding. Perry was a nominal Democrat at the time, but he's been a life long self-serving, ego centric, hypocritical, bag of hot air.

        1. MichelesPantalones

          I'm gonna disagree with you on that one, just because "hot" can mean "lights a fire in my pantalones." And the last thing on earth I want is a fire in my pantalones when I'm looking at that disgusting blivet.

          He looks like the pervy family friend/relative that, when he comes to visit, you send all the kids on sleepovers to their friends' houses, just, you know, to keep them safe, and what-all.

  17. Warpde

    OK, were getting to the point where Rickie's handlers are going to have to tell him to…….

    "Just shut the fuck up Rick. No, we mean it. So just stand there, look good and keep your fucking yap closed.
    Your making Bachmann look like a god damned rocket scientist for Christ's sake"

  18. chascates

    Now Texans complain it's the influx of the brownz that cause rural hospitals to close. They want them for cheap labor but prefer they and their dependents vanish from view.

    Of course blaming the brownz is now as natural and 'Merikan as screaming about the deficit rather than the lack of jobs or the lambasting the mainstream media rather than hate radio and Faux News.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      Yeah, but then they kick out all the browns, and there's millions of dollars worth of produce rotting in the fields. Lose-lose.

  19. Comrade Wingtard

    It was probably residual farts left behind on the office chair by Jim Hightower that caused his thoughts to go astray … then he realized he isn't worth even one of Hightower's farts and promptly became a weirdo macho death obsessed Xtian creep.

  20. Serolf_Divad

    Nobody at the time, least of all Rick Perry, could possibly have imagined that Hillary Clinton would have proposed a health care system overhaul that diverged one iota from the Tea Party favored approach of: "end all subsidies and regulations and let those who can afford it pay for it themselves."

    1. mumbly_joe

      And when he said he wanted someone to "help address the challenge of rural health care delivery," he meant in ways that didn't involve subsidies, regulations, direct government incentives, or any sort of interference in the working of the status quo free market at all.

      He also meant that she should do this while getting rid of the programs that pay doctors for treating people who are poor and old.

  21. Mumbletypeg

    Agriculture Commissioners Gone Rogue. I do believe this news out-kinks the entry of Kinky Friedman into the seat race some years ago.
    Let's hope for Texas's sake these are just one-hit wonders. I'd pay to see them all play garage-band style during their retirement years at some Thunderbird Lounge, but I'd sell my soul to see these clowns get their due first.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Kinky Friedman's entry as a Democratic candidate for Governor in 2006 got 12% of the vote. More than enough to deminish Chris Bell's likeihood to beat a very unpopular Perry. Friedman's candidacy was promoted by Don Imus, incessantly, on his morning show broadcast all accross the country in the pre "nappy headed ho"' days.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        That is the kind of background info I wish I'd had before posting my comment. I knew (not being from TX) I didn't have the full familiars at hand; just gleaned a few articles, knowing Friedman's name mostly from my early bookselling days, and bemused at the easy sell-ability of a colorful persona on a voting public. When Kinky mentions in a recent Daily Beast interview that he'd observed Perry fill in for the ZZ Top drummer at some venue, I recognized my ultimate wish-fulfilment fantasy at seeing all the batshit-weirdo's — now populating the political landscape — instead in some kind of Rock Bottom Remainders showcase rather than angling for high offices to the detriment of the whole country.

  22. CapeClod

    Perry has since realized that praying for the health of the rural poor is more cost effective that providing health care services.

    1. Warpde

      And has the same response.
      How dat rain comin Rickie?
      What you say?
      Went to the East Coast and missed Texas?
      Well, even God has his bad day's.

  23. smokefilleddoommate

    Damn, I can't believe '93 was eighteen fucking years ago.
    Anyhoo, ol' Rick had to network somehow, right? Politics–it's not what you believe in, it's the people you know, amirite? Ouch, these stupid cheap 'thong' sandals are hurting my feet..

  24. Pragmatist2

    Rick Perry used to be Michelle Bachmann
    Michelle Bachmann used to be Sarah Palin
    Sarah Palin used to be Fred Thompson
    Fred Thompson used to be Rudy Giuliani

    But the truth is "no savior's going to rise from these streets…."

    1. Preferred Customer

      I read that as "no savior's going to rise from these seas…"

      You underestimate the power of Cthulu.


    Perry: "Have you heard about our new program Doctors Without Borders in Texas? Well, think about it, they've just closed all the Borders stores in the state. Shame."


        What you say about TX may be true.
        Laredo, a town of a quarter-million people, lost its last bookstore last year. Next place to buy a book from Laredo: 150 miles away… http://www.pbs.org/newshour/art/blog/2010/02/afte
        But Borders is closing all the stores at a national level…They can't compete with Amazon…
        Next one on the out-of-business list may be Barnes and Noble, and then we would have to drive to Mexico to buy a book…What? No, not a joke, Benincasa….

  26. GregComlish

    I don't understand why so many people are inferring that Rick Perry of yesteryear was somehow decent while the current Rick Perry is a vile teabagging panderer. More likely, Rick Perry is and has always been a ambitious cynic doing absolutely everything he needs to do to get ahead. Back when he was in Texas Agriculture Dept. he functioned as a competent technocrat because that's what was required to get ahead. Now he's got to run for President in the Republican primary which means he has to compete with Michele Bachman for teabagger bonafides. He never gave a shit about rural health care, he doesn't give a shit about Jesus, and he only loves capitalist fundamentalism insofar-as it helps him enrich himself and his cohorts.

  27. Goonemeritus

    So out of the present three top polling Republican candidates two have similar problems. It appears both Mitt and Rick have proven that in the privacy of their own mind they think their present party dogma is crap. I won’t bother giving you examples from Mitt’s past they are well documented. And I know many will say one paragraph shouldn’t define Rick but let’s break it down.
    First he seems to suggest that American healthcare is not preeminent in all things. We have been led to believe this is presently the case so either healthcare delivery has improved in the last 18 years or he is off script. Secondly by writing this letter he is implicitly suggesting that Government can be part of the solution. And lastly talking about Hillary much less writing to her without using sarcasm pejoratives or demeaning language of any kind is unforgivable in all Republican circles.
    Enjoy the Bachmann campaign Teatards.

    1. Guppy06

      "It appears both Mitt and Rick have proven that in the privacy of their own mind they think their present party dogma is crap."

      And the third doesn't have a mind.

    2. Negropolis

      Rick may be slightly closer to Romney than he is too Bachmann, but not by enough that he's his own, distinct type of evil. Romney told an audience during a debate with Ted Kennedy that he was better on abortion rights and gay rights issues than Ted. Rick may be cynical, but he'd never have been caught dead saying that shit, not even if he'd have lived in Massachusetts. Ricky may not be a true believer, but he's definitely a believer. Romney would death panel his ailing wife if he thought it'd make him president.

  28. El Pinche

    Uh oh , a love letter to Hill thanking her for the socialism? Might as well have a gay sex video.

  29. rocktonsam

    The difference between Bush jr and Perry is Jr never said anything in the past he would ever have to deny.

  30. DerrickWildcat

    “You need to read the letter, and put it into a Rick Perry context"
    Yes he wrote the letter but it was for the purpose of getting money from the Government under the guise of it going to people who actually needed it. Only 10% of the money would have actually ended up in the hands of the poor. The other 90% was going to Al Qaeda to fund their war on Saddam Hussein.

    Rick Perry 2012!

  31. carlgt1

    the "horrible monstrosity" of poor rural Texans having access to health care! Jesus must be furious with Rick!

  32. Negropolis

    50 closed hopsitals in rural Texas over the 80's, right? That just sounds like the invisible hand of the market at work, to me, right? If the peasants don't live long enough to tan enough cowhide to make their own bootstraps by which to pull themselves up, it ain't my problem.

    Perry is some whore. Some whore, indeed. He's not a Romney-sized whore, but he's certainly a Texas-sized whore.

  33. Troglodeity

    So… Social Security is "monstrous" and ObamaCare is a "monstrosity"? I guess Gingrich has a patent on "grotesque."

  34. MiniMencken

    Wait till his hunky carpenter boyfriend that he kept, that everyone in Austin politics knew about, surfaces. It'll be oh-so-good!

  35. Pete in Williamsburg

    That spin excuse makes total sense: Like all activist young Republicans during the 90s, Perry was shocked, just shcoked to learn that Hilary Clinton to come up with a health care reform plan he didn't like.

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