Patriotic Children’s Book Here To Rescue Your Child From Socialism

  start 'em young

socialist trainee no more!Are little Jimmy and Janie coming home from school with a bunch of godless socialist ideas about “redistributing toys to other kids who haven’t had a turn” and “waiting in communist bread lines to go out to recess?”  If you are worried this kind of Soviet indoctrination is taking hold of your youngster in our nation’s underfunded miniature socialist learning labs, well then, the Internet has a thing for you. “One Nation Under God: A Book for Little Patriots” is an actual book (remember those?) for parents to read to their kids in case they noticed God and gun rights weren’t mentioned enough times in their civics homework. Let’s take a peek at our lessons!

Let’s see, here is what your child can learn about the Ten Commandments Ten Amendments in the Bill of Rights:

The Bill of Rights tells us that
We may do what many can’t.
So there would be no room for doubt,
Our Founding Fathers laid them out.

There are ten rights, and they mean a lot.
They are ten reasons that we fought.
Freedoms we didn’t have before,
Freedoms well worth fighting for.

When you know you’re safe in your own home,
When you know you don’t have to pray alone.
When you say just what you feel,
It might not seem like a big deal.

 
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Just remember that these rights weren’t free.
Many fought for you and me.

Clever! We are assuming “right to feel safe in your own home” is the code for gun rights, since “feeling safe at home” is not actually in the Bill of Rights, is that “on target,” haha? You may have to explain that one more fully to the kids.

And, bonus, some Big Hollywood reviewer is thrilled with this book, because it doesn’t make her feel like she is turning her son into a gay socialist when they read it together:

My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men.  He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco.  We’re not exactly the typical family you might find on the west side of Los Angeles.  So you can see why this is the kind of book I can feel good about reading with my son.

Yes, safer to skip all those other homosexual anti-military books out there. [The Internet/ Big Hollywood]

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311 comments

    1. CapnFatback

      On occasion, the nakedly visceral comment trumps refined snark. This is one such occasion, one such comment.

      I doff my virtual hat to you, timbo.

  1. GunToting[Redacted]

    "When you know you don’t have to pray alone."

    I'm struggling to fit this into one of the ten amendments… Is it the 3rd?

    1. jus_wonderin

      Thats the title to the next Lee Greenwood song. It is a bit lenghty for a song name but it gets a point across.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Thanks be to Allah that someone has stood up for our rights to gather together in the Mosques of our choosing. As everyone knows, before the Founders decided upon becoming the new Caliphate, no one could pray in groups.

      1. genxr

        I feel better knowing the people who buy this book will defend the right of muslims to pray together anywhere they want.

    3. DahBoner

      "When you know you don’t have to pray alone."

      Because you can't be a Christian unless you ignore Jesus's commandment to pray alone.

      That Jesus feller was always spouting off crazy shit about loving your enemies anyways….

      1. poncho_pilot

        a relevant passage from the KJV they love so much:

        "5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

        6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

        7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

        8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him."

        Matthew 6:5-8

        1. Sparky_McGruff

          That means we need to have lengthy prayers over the PA system at high-school football games, right? Why do you have to use such complimacated words?

        2. Recon1

          You should prolly pay closer attention to the 7th verse, heathen. The subject under discussion in Matthew isn't public prayer, the subject is hypocrisy.

          It's one of those finer points that escapes many of the more liberal persuasion.

    4. V572 T-Blow

      It's the right to peaceably assemble and demand that the government adopt your religion as the One True Faith.

      1. tessiee

        And when you're not trying to force everyone else to adopt your religion; bitch, gripe, piss, and moan at every opportunity about how oppressed you are.

  2. Captain_Quark

    They left out Michele Bachman's contribution, penned while popping pills and thinking about economic policy:

    Stuttering marmoset, relieved of all conceit!
    Ever-flowing stream of antlers and gypsies!
    Take from me in propitiation
    This lonely raspberry.
    We are out of muffins.
    Why are there no pillows?

    Remember: Free verse isn't free!

    1. BarryOPotter

      We are out of muffins.

      HA!!!!!! I LOVE that line! I'm going to work that in to various conversations at the penultimate inopportune moment, with an especially thick, nondescript accent.

    2. elfgoldsackring

      Multisyllable words spelled correctly? No way CrazyEyes wrote that. Probably Marcus stole it from one of his 'artistic' clients.

    3. MichelesPantalones

      Are you channeling Michele, or did you actually break into her house and take this from her desk?

  3. metamarcisf

    And if she's lucky maybe her little boy will grow up to marry Rick Santorum's little girl.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The way she describes him, I'm pretty sure he will end up marrying Rick Santorum once he fully comes out of the closet.

  4. nounverb911

    "My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure"
    Does it take three naps a day? Does it have alzheimer's?

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Does it have children out of wedlock? Does it dump its first wife for a young starlet best know for giving blow jobs?

        1. DahBoner

          And the only thing it says when you pull it's string is:

          "I do not recall. I do not recall. I do not recall…"

    2. widget2011

      Hopefully, he lives long enough to become a critical thinker, then he will shove that RR action figure up his dad's ass.

      1. Rotundo_

        He will be another conservative legacy brat that will wind up on talk radio or the internets yammering how we should humiliate and degrade the poor because poverty is a moral failing. Picture Jonah Goldberg with extra stupid and even better indoctrination for resolute stupid and you get the picture. It would be nice to think of his little mind growing into a critical thinking one and expanding. The reality is more like shriveling and becoming another Dough-bob Loadpants.

    3. tessiee

      It's very versatile. The settings include, "dismantle social safety net", "bust labor unions", "repeatedly tell made-up stories about welfare queens with six Cadillacs", "trade arms for hostages", "appoint a bunch of shitbags to your cabinet", and "pretend not to hear questions that you don't feel like answering".

    4. user-of-owls

      Can you buy an add-on set from the Latin Americans Who's Slaughter I am Responsible For Series?

      The Guatemala Pack is the biggest (200,000 colorfully dressed Mayan dead bodies; but the El Salvador Pack has more cool extras (75,000 itsy bitsy corpses, PLUS an assassinated archbishop AND four (4) American nuns pre-raped and murdered for your convenience!)

        1. user-of-owls

          Lookie up here at us unarmed Maya,
          up in Chichicastenango ;
          Lookie up here at us unarmed Maya,
          watch us dancing the Dead Man's Tango.

  5. GuanoFaucet

    Jesus fuck, that was some awful verse. I hope Amelia didn't quit her day job mopping floors at Cracker Barrel to write insipid children's books full time.

    1. Rotundo_

      She's probably more like a republican housefrau who married money and squirted out a couple of brats and Hubby is a wanna be representative currently in business and worth a small fortune. Wifey there wanted fulfillment and he suggested she write a kids book on Freedumbs to keep her occupied while he pumps rentboys and works on campaign strategies for screwing the poor even more effectively.

      1. MichelesPantalones

        I would ask how you know so much about the Republicunt in its natural habitat, except I really don't want to know.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I couldn't guess, but now you've set me off trying to come up with a good kiddie's rhyme for "States Rights."

      Great Bikes?
      Fake lights?
      Hate nights?
      Rake Fights?

      1. mumbly_joe

        Well, let's be honest, all those calls of "States' Rights"?
        Were really just about keeping all their racist hate nights.

    2. poncho_pilot

      humans have brains
      but some have no wit.
      "i wish they'd refrain,"
      say some with a fit,
      "from writing for kids
      'bout habeas corpus.
      i've read better tomes
      shit out by a porpoise."

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        Warrantless wiretapping

        Sometimes it is good to listen in
        (though courts will say that it's a sin)
        by tapping a phone and hiding a bug
        so we can all be safe and snug
        while evildoers get the chair.
        Listen, judge, it isn't fair!
        Don't need no warrant, that's for sure
        To keep the USA so pure.
        Get your lawyers out of this–
        We mean business, this isn't just piss
        (er, that word may not get into the book, but then again…)

    3. Radiotherapy®

      Once there was a great Prez Abe,
      He was known as a fence mender,
      He freed slaves and he was a
      habeus corpus suspender.

    4. SwanSwanH

      There once was an Arab from 8 Mile
      Who complained that her son had been gone awhile
      They said "up your or'face
      with your Habeas Corpus"
      And wouldn't release his rendition file

  6. nounverb911

    "Just remember that these rights weren’t free.
    Many fought for you and me."

    (I avoided the draft while partying at Yale).

  7. baconzgood

    (Voice over guy)

    Ronald Reagan action figure!!!!

    Pull his string and hear him talk! (Reagan's Voice:) "Mommy where are the jelly beans?"

    Thrill as you too run up deficits, ignore AIDS, and waste trillions on a Star Wars program that never got off the ground, all the while watching the biggest drug epidemic in the history of the US!!!!!

    Ronald Reagan action figure, Iran-Contra playset and senility kit sold seperatly.

    Little kid: REAGAN…YEAH!!!!!

      1. baconzgood

        Win. My kids (and I) have ALL the Ren & Stimpy's. No joke we watched 5 episodes last night.

    1. Gunner Asch

      My father in law was Lockheed project manager for the target acquisition part of Star Wars. He never thought it would work, but was happy to plug away since there was no more Apollo program. He told me they had a big video display with a simulation of a missile attack and defense system. He said they'd change the winner according to the audience and as he put it "whether we were buying or selling".

  8. DaRooster

    When you know you’re safe in your own home,
    When you know you don’t have to pray alone.
    When you say just what you feel,
    Wait, Congress hates and will make you squeal.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      I don't know about feeling safe in my own home when the Right Gestapo are knocking down our doors and asking us when we last menstruated.

      1. baconzgood

        I know! My kids are at least cool. They have a Bruce Campbell Med-Evil Dead (Not Army of Darkness) poster. FREAKIN' AWSOM!!!!!!

    1. friendlyskies

      And for the right to burn our flags,
      and call the weirdo neighbors fags!

      To worship Satan, Baal, Hermes,
      Or Carl Sagan, if you please.

      Searches without warrant banned!*
      No torture, by their wise command!*

      To march as Nazis in the streets
      With guns galore when e'er we meet.

      This, heroes left to me and you!
      Protected! Thanks, ACLU.

      *These rights have been temporarily rescinded by the Patriot Act, which should not be confused with actual patriotism.

  9. elfgoldsackring

    Yeah, the sooner you teach them how to pick up Marines in public places the better. Good job, Hollywood Mom!

  10. Callyson

    My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men.
    Little patriot will be coming out in 3…2…1…

  11. DCBloom

    Really? A Ronald Reagan doll? Where did she find that, and why would a child want to play with an old man? That freaked me out more than the book did.

  12. poncho_pilot

    isn't this "reading" idea counter-revolutionary if you're a teabagger? time for a purge, i say!

  13. MinAgain

    Civics homework? Oh, you pie-eyed optimist.

    “right to feel safe in your own home”

    In all fairness, that could also refer to freedom from being required to quarter troops in your home (Third Amendment), and freedom from unreasonable search of your home (Fourth Amendment).

    I'm just sayin'.

    1. SorosBot

      Although recent Supreme Court decisions have rendered the Fourth Amendment more the freedom from unreasonable search of your home, unless the police have some sort of reason to think that your home maybe could possibly contain drugs, or maybe a home near yours that they got yours mixed up with.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      But not freedom to engage in frowned-upon sexual activities, or to consume frowned-upon chemical substances, or…

      Basically, you're free to be just like them. Enjoy your rights!

      1. SorosBot

        They also like to ignore the freedom from government establishment of religion, freedom from search and seizure without a warrant, freedom from imprisonment without trial and the tight to a trial by jury, and attorney and everything that goes along with that, and the freedom from cruel and unusual punishment; the right doesn't seem to like any of those freedoms.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Those are rights reserved for the right. (That's why they're called the right, see?)

          When de gub'mint comes knocking on your door,
          That's what all our guns are for.

      2. tessiee

        "or to consume frowned-upon chemical substances"

        Well, to be strictly accurate, the employers have taken over much of the search and seizure for frowned upon substances, what with the pre-employment piss testing, and then the random piss testing of employees.

        I mean, the cops can't be *everywhere*, you know.

  14. nappyduggs

    What kind of "patriot" goes to Scotland to learn English? Bob Jones U wasn't good enough for her?
    C'm'ere, Amelia. I gotta Glasgow kiss waitin' fer ye.

  15. MissTaken

    Re: the Ronald Reagan action figure

    Is it of the young, virile, movie star Ronnie or the old, senile, falling asleep in his bowl of jelly beans during Cabinet meetings Ronnie?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Both! That's what makes him an ACTION figure – he can morph from one to the other, and back again. Seekrit identitee and all that.

      1. MichelesPantalones

        That's the one I remember best. Union member R. Reagan ratting out his buddies like the chickenshit he was.

  16. Chillwaver

    "My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll)"

    You can call it a puppet, just like the one in real life.

  17. MissTaken

    "He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco"

    TRAITOR! Everyone knows REAL AMERICANS shop at Walmart

    1. ProudLibunatic

      If I was a Marine, I'd be a little creeped out by some little Hitler-jugend weirdo saying : "Semper fi!"
      (I thought only former or current Marines were supposed to say that.)

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        I'm sure the jarheads would rather have tween/teenage girls/MILFs/GMILFs/pumas/cougars paying attention to them.

  18. jus_wonderin

    I really can't wait for the in-utero compact disc set with tummy-phones. But wait, there's more…if you act now we can get the sperms & eggs combo pack to head off liburlizm in yer womb.

  19. SorosBot

    There are not ten rights or ten freedoms, bad poet lady; there are ten amendments, many of which involve multiple rights. Just look at the first one; there is freedom of and from religion, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom to assembly, and freedom to petition the government for redress of grievances. That's like six right there.

    1. genxr

      Yeah we could get rid of a few, knock 'em down to ten total. the first being, "I am the lord thy god…"

  20. DahBoner

    This is a real book, if by "real" you mean so crappy, not even Amazon will carry it.

    And since this is the author's first book (no doubt some wacko from a Colorado Springs mega-church), I'm just as much of a "writer" as this idiot…..

  21. prommie

    Didn't some asshole shitbag proto-teatard wife of someone write a similar guidebook for budding shitbag Niedermayers, years ago? Was it Olson's dead wife? It was someone's wife, I think. Complete shit. Its appropriate, though, because all these conservative retards, all of them, have an understanding of history, economics, and sociology thats right about at the 2nd grade level. See, for example, Hannity, Beck, Bachman, etc., etc.

  22. AtlanticCapers

    Why would Republicans encourage their children to read? Reading might lead to learning.

  23. prommie

    Authority-worshipping little lickspittles are the dream victims for pedophiles; they do as they're told and they don't tell!

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Where are the verses on corporations being people, the fun of torturing brown people, cutting taxes on the wealth, or why science and reality have liberal biases?

          1. SorosBot

            He also hosted a rival Top 40 Countdown show to Casey Kasem's; I listened to that on many a Sunday afternoon while playing the NES. And growing up in the 80s was great – we had cartoons and toys like Transformers and GI Joe, the start of home video games and home video, great music, and those lucky bastards who's parents weren't too cheap to get it had cable.

          2. inapewetrust

            for example, taco.

            so bad it's good? i feel like that became a thing because of how rife with dregs the 80s were.

            this year he released an album called "tacii" that's ten different versions of "puttin' on the ritz". though i can't find a link to a place to buy the album – sorry gang!

  25. EatsBabyDingos

    My big dog makes Ronald Regan action figures when we go on our walks. Big piles of poop, fuul of poop. Like Reagan. First or Second term.

  26. MinAgain

    If I wrote a children's book about being a patriot, it would be very short.

    If you are old enough, vote in every election for which you are an eligible voter.
    If you are called up for jury duty, serve as long you are needed.
    Pay your taxes.
    The end.

  27. crybabyboehner

    "They are 10 reasons that we fought"
    British surrender in War of Independence – 1781
    Bill of Rights ratified – 1791

    1. Crank_Tango

      just like they fought to get rid of slavery, 80 years before they fought to get rid of slavery.

      1. jus_wonderin

        If an object has covers, pages and words…can we confidently call it a book? What if we put it in a box and close the lid? Is it a book then, or a spoon.

        I will leave this to greater minds. I have drinking to do.

  28. poncho_pilot

    a poem about tebaggers:

    if our face were bottles
    you'd try hard to cork us.
    freedom of speech isn't free.

    my "patriot son" is a
    dorkus malorkus.
    we'll water the tree with our pee.

  29. revmatty

    Holy fucking electrified black Jesus on a pogo stick, this book regardless of the content (which is awful and cloying) hits dead on what I hate most in modern kids' books: 'poets' who have no idea what the fuck METER is. My five year old complains about the shitty shitty writing in these books and she's FIVE. Don't get me started on the forced rhymes that aren't even goddamn CLOSE. I hate kids' book authors so very much I wish to stab most of them in the face over the internet with a rusty staph-laden metal spiked dildo.

    And then along comes a teatard kids' author who just somehow makes the others seem not quite so terrible…

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Incidentally, The Very Angry Staph-Laden Metal Spiked Dildo is the title of my new children's book.

    2. DaRooster

      "Don't get me started on the forced rhymes that aren't even goddamn CLOSE."

      What like "Again" with "Rain"? Just because it is spelled the same does not mean it rhymes. (I do it sometimes just to fuck with folks though)

    3. LettucePrey

      Haikus are still haikus
      Even when they do not contain the proper number of syllables
      When I write them, due to my awesomeness

    4. ProudLibunatic

      My favorite corollary to this is kids who can't sing. Why do idiots assume that kids can't tell when the meter is wrong or if a note is flat? It is NOT cute to be wrong!
      STANDARDS PEOPLE!!

      (There was an ad campaign years ago (Ikea?) that featured deliberately crappy singing and rhyming in a "folk" song. It was hilarious!)

      1. tessiee

        "It is NOT cute to be wrong!
        STANDARDS PEOPLE!!"

        As one of the few funny Archie Bunker lines ever said:
        What's so funny about that? The kid's stupid.

  30. elfgoldsackring

    Hey, I never realized Big Hollywood was on IntenseDebate, so we are all already logged in to comment there! Just sayin'…

    1. glamourdammerung

      How did you think spanky the downfisting obsessive moron was pestering folks here for so long?

    2. Tundra Grifter

      The good news is Big Hollywood still has downfisting (and as long as Andrew B. runs it, it will probably always will).

      The bad news is posting there will kill your p-ness, because there are some angry jokers over there.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          There must be a down to have an up, Grasshopper. That's pretty much the Yin and the Yang of it.

  31. Crank_Tango

    Anatomically correct Reagan doll or gtfo!

    Now tell us, lil patriot, using the doll, where did zombie reagan touch you?

  32. Lascauxcaveman

    and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco.

    Man, I know those places get crazy around the Xmas rush, but c'mon already, martial law?

    1. jus_wonderin

      Now who is going to protect the acre of Hickory Roasted Almonds and the three isles of tube socks????

      1. AlterNewt

        News to me too, but the Google says it's near Pico and Central, next to "People's Sausage Company", so.. one-stop-shopping for marine-lovin'-mom.

  33. not that Dewey

    Most American heroes of the Revolutionary period are by now two men, the actual man and the romantic image. Some are even three men – the actual man, the image, and the de-bunked remains.

    -Esther Forbes

  34. FakaktaSouth

    "We’re not exactly the typical family you might find on the west side of Los Angeles. So you can see why this is the kind of book I can feel good about reading with my son."

    I know how she feels, we are not the typical Alabama family. So you can see why these are the type of people I can feel good about telling my son to stay the fuck away from. And such.

  35. Wonderthing

    "Semper fi" huh? Well, when the kid starts mumbling "Sic semper tyrannus" under his breath, I'd take that doll away from him…

  36. SayItWithWookies

    Wow — heroic couplets — the most stultifying verse form. To be fair though, she makes Pope seem readable.

  37. Buckminster

    God, not only do their politics suck but the level of writing is abysmal!

    D-

    Signed,
    Buck, the English major

  38. BTWBFDIMHO

    “Right to feel safe in your own home”.
    Here in Texas many houses have this sign on the front door (instead of "welcome" or "our house is your house"):
    "We have guns, we don't call 911".

    1. tessiee

      "We have guns, we don't call 911"

      Aside from the fact that this not-so-subtly suggests that shooting people is the preferred solution to problems, it's a lousy joke, *as a joke*. It steps on the punchline. The same joke, if structured correctly, should read:
      "We don't call 911… we have guns".

  39. genxr

    My favorite is when the king of the turtles accuses the bottom 50% of the turtle stack of paying no taxes and getting a free ride, and Yurtle loses his fight for collective bargaining rights. The tension builds as federal agents listen in on Horton's secret communications, which segues into "Oh the places you'll go (through secret rendition)." The rest of the book is just different ways to blame the Lorax for high energy prices.

    1. genxr

      He's 34, but hardly ever bothers me and the missus. Spends most of his time in the basement with his… uh… action figures. Got him the Ollie North/Jessica Hahn playset for Christmas.

      1. GregComlish

        My son has an inflatable Ricky Martin action figure in his room (okay, maybe it's not exactly an action figure). He also has lots of steamy Navy SEAL posters and little green army guys piled on top of each other.

  40. flamingpdog

    I wonder if Christine O'Donnell would sign this book too (also) at the book signing in Lone Tree tonight.

  41. poncho_pilot

    one more:

    tea party, retardy,
    Hollywood cinephile
    brainwashing progeny,
    "to have some balls."

    Reagany, pagany
    derelict matriarch
    begetting psychopaths
    who play with dolls.

  42. mormos

    Now see I would think the right to “feeling safe at home”, would be translated to protection from unreasonable search and seizure. You know, the fourth amendment, that thing that Arizona is violating with all its racist laws

    1. mumbly_joe

      Right, given the statistics surrounding gun-owing homes, I'm not exactly sure how that's supposed to translate into feeling safe at home.

      OHWAIT: it's feeling safe, not being safe. DUH.

  43. CHUDster_Arthur

    Maybe Dana Commandatore will get lucky and her son will one day get to fight in one of the United States' awesome future wars.

  44. DemonicRage

    Do you live in a part of California where they're trying to figure out how to make used toilet water drinkable? Who is your son going to go to war with, to liberate the Messican rivers?

  45. johnnymeatworth

    "He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

    Hopefully he calls Marines that they run into at other places "pussies."

    1. poncho_pilot

      Have you seen a five years old boy, blond hair and he's wearing a t-shirt that says "Bullshit" on it?

      1. johnnymeatworth

        No, but there was this one kid earlier who was wearing a t-shirt that said "Life Sucks" on it….

  46. mavenmaven

    "The Bill of Rights tells us that
    We may do what many can’t."
    I suppose the Bill of Rights allows for non rhyming couplets with awkward meter.

  47. glamourdammerung

    So all that crying and whining about "liberal indoctrination" was just projection, showing once again that normal people can not be teabaggers because it would require a lack of intelligence, self-awareness, and basic dignity.

  48. Tundra Grifter

    Memo to the author:

    "That" and "can't" don't rhyme.

    "A lot" and "fought" don't rhyme.

    "A lot" makes your book read like it was written by a child instead of for a child.

    Amazon doesn't have this? There's justice in our world, after all.

  49. fartknocker

    Meh, if I had a son I would rather give him a Bill Clinton doll. When you pull its string is says "Blow Me Monica."

  50. bordo2

    Amelia says she is a lifelong patriot. How many tours of duty did she serve in Iraq or Afghanistan, or is she another sniveling patriot who is fighting the "war of ideas" on American soil? Patriot my ass.

  51. elfgoldsackring

    Kid, run over and tell that Marine that Mommy's got a wet spot for a man in uniform… Warm spot, dammit, I meant warm spot! Stop crying you ungrateful little shit, do you want a new Daddy or not?

  52. HedonismBot

    The right to "feel safe in your home" also could refer to the Third Amendment (protection from being forced to quarter troops,) or the Fourth and Fifth amendments (protection from unreasonable search and seizure and protection from deprivation of life, liberty or property without due process of law.)
    Just sayin.'

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I'm trying to remember the rightwing spin about the "true" meaning of the 4th and 5th amendments….probably something about private property and not going to jail for funneling profits from illegal arms sales to Central America.

      1. AJWjr.

        When I was a child I sucked my thumb while clutching my blanket. Let's hope they don't mix up their thumb with their Glock. Or whatever.

    2. Guppy06

      The Third Amendment would never be ratified if the Founding Fathers actually supported our troops!

  53. mavenmaven

    Some "lifelong" patriot. Look at her bio, she sounds like a bloody loyalist tory to me. Also, what is a "lifelong writer"?:

    A lifelong writer and patriot, Amelia also loves…hockey…has a master’s degree…from University of St Andrews in Scotland and a postgraduate diploma in fine and decorative arts from Christie's London…

  54. politics_nerd

    My kid's room is full of toy soldiers, tanks, attack helicopters, action figures armed to the teeth with automatic weapons, and he himself owns over a half dozen (mostly nerf dart-shooting) toy guns, a bb gun, a pellet gun (serious one that you can hunt with), and constantly plays violent video games. He also hates republicans, believes in equal rights for everybody, and voted with me for Obama (I let him punch the card). Go figure.

    1. ProudLibunatic

      When my kids were little, they were playing at a friend's house when his Mom righteously proclaimed that HER son was not allowed to play with guns.
      Right after she said this, (he couldn't hear her), he picked up a square pillow from the couch, aimed a corner of it at my daughter, and "shot" her.

  55. CrunchyKnee

    The Bill of Corporate Rights tells us that
    We may fuck over who we want.
    So there would be no room for doubt,
    Our Founding Jesus laid them out.

    There are ten rights, and they mean a lot.
    They are ten reasons that we bought.
    Freedoms we didn’t have before,
    Freedoms (well expect for the slaves, women and poor).

    When you know you’re safe in your own home,
    When you know you don’t have to prey alone.
    When you say just what you feel (unless it isn't the FauxNewz line),
    It might not seem like a big deal.

    Just remember that these rights weren’t free.
    Many poors and blacks fought for you and me.

  56. AlaskaGrrl

    "My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men. He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

    And wears Mommy's underwear…? The kid will grow up as either a repressed gay Republican Congressman that will resign in disgrace when caught with his gay lover, a chorus member in a transvestite revue in a biker/leather bar, or a serial killer.

  57. Warpde

    You would have thought they would at least get the fucking flag right on the cover.
    Ohhhhhh!
    Now I understand.

  58. finallyhappy

    I sent my kid to a socialist summer camp- really. When she was ten, she came home with little handmade stickers about major corporations "10 cents a day is all they pay" -maybe Nike and child labor? Also the Nike Swoosh with a circle and line through it(don't tell, Nike might sue her for trademark infringement). Now she is much older and very interested in capitalism(and like her mom, voted for the socialist Muslin Kenyan)

  59. Doktor Zoom

    That "Semper Fi" parent reminded me of someone:

    “All right, Jason. Tell Santa what you want. Tell him what you want.”

    Jason said, “I….want…Prokton and…Gamble to…stop animal testing.”

    The mother said, “Procter, Jason, that’s Procter and Gamble. And what do they do to animals? Do they torture animals, Jason? Is that what they do?”

    Jason said, Yes, they torture. He was probably six years old.

    –David Sedaris, "The Santaland Diaries"

  60. caitifty

    "My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men. He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

    I'm glad you're setting him up to compensate for the small penis he's going to inherit from you already.

    1. tessiee

      IMO, it sounds like an Italian-American name.
      And yet, she's found something *worse* than a Catholic upbringing to inflict on her kid?
      It's kinda impressive, really.

  61. tessiee

    "He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

    It seems unlikely to me that any kid young enough to still be playing with toys would be fluent in Latin…
    Oh, wait. He has no idea what those words mean. He's just mindlessly making noises like a trained parrot.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "He's just mindlessly making noises like a trained parrot. "

      Already a teagagger. That's pretty sad.

  62. kateinmt

    "Ronald Reagan" and "action figure" is an oxymoron. "Ronald Reagan Lump of Play Doh" would be far more accurate.

  63. Negropolis

    How adorable. A book for little fascists theocrats, mommy's favorite little militiaman.

    We’re not exactly the typical family you might find on the west side of Los Angeles.

    Guess what? Your family isn't even typical for the average American family, so get off your fuckin victimization pommel horse.

  64. Negropolis

    Yo, Imma let you finish, Ten Freedoms, but the Four Freedoms were the best set of freedoms evah.

  65. tessiee

    Which of the shitty poems in this book is about getting drunk on wine coolers, and then laying a dumb slut in a tent?

    Oh, wait, different book.
    My bad.

  66. rte148

    well, sure looks like the artist they hired is a hack. just recycled some examples of Italian architecture such as Rome's Santa Maria in Cosmedin for the tower and the Ponte Vecchio in Florence for the arches.

    Are those terracotta tiles I see for the roofs? And whats with their shallow pitch? Don't they know about snow?

    I wouldn't expect precise architectural details, but c'mon, one look at the picture and I think southern Italy, not colonial America. Typical laziness of the teabagger.

  67. Allmighty_Manos

    "My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men. He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

    Yeah, well my kid plays with blocks and bikes and is taught that guns are used for maiming and killing other boys and girls who deserve better.

  68. Brad

    Quote: "Clever! We are assuming “right to feel safe in your own home” is the code for gun rights, since “feeling safe at home” is not actually in the Bill of Rights"

    Way to show your own ignorance. Here's another quote from you from a little something known as the Fourth Amendment:

    "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

  69. VeritasAmerican

    If you're going to criticize a book, then you need to actually know what you're talking about. You said: We are assuming “right to feel safe in your own home” is the code for gun rights, since “feeling safe at home” is not actually in the Bill of Rights, is that “on target,” haha?
    But the Bill of Rights says: "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."
    So this doesn't have to do with gun rights (2nd amendment), but rather the 4th amendment.

  70. rightjb

    It is great to see all the hate by you liberals over children, basic moral education and the legacy of the great thinkers who loved God and loved the concept of freedom. You are proving once again your ignorance and lack of civility by comments such as:

    timbo71351 112p · 2 days ago
    Anybody who buys this book is an asshole and a terrible parent

    Wow! What insight! What intellectual prowess this writer shows! (I don't see any attacks on his post however also showing the hypocrisy of your own attacks on CHILDREN'S LITERATURE) Also – didn't your grammar-challenged leader call for an era of civility?

    Yes. Even educated in SCOTLAND – Ms. Hamilton has more literary prowess than Mr. Obama did in his recently released letter while editor at Harvard Law Review.

    Here's a riddle for you history-lacking rubes – Guess which founder said this: Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other. go ahead Google it. you might learn something.

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