START 'EM YOUNG  4:24 pm August 30, 2011

Patriotic Children’s Book Here To Rescue Your Child From Socialism

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

socialist trainee no more!Are little Jimmy and Janie coming home from school with a bunch of godless socialist ideas about “redistributing toys to other kids who haven’t had a turn” and “waiting in communist bread lines to go out to recess?”  If you are worried this kind of Soviet indoctrination is taking hold of your youngster in our nation’s underfunded miniature socialist learning labs, well then, the Internet has a thing for you. “One Nation Under God: A Book for Little Patriots” is an actual book (remember those?) for parents to read to their kids in case they noticed God and gun rights weren’t mentioned enough times in their civics homework. Let’s take a peek at our lessons!

Let’s see, here is what your child can learn about the Ten Commandments Ten Amendments in the Bill of Rights:

The Bill of Rights tells us that
We may do what many can’t.
So there would be no room for doubt,
Our Founding Fathers laid them out.

There are ten rights, and they mean a lot.
They are ten reasons that we fought.
Freedoms we didn’t have before,
Freedoms well worth fighting for.

When you know you’re safe in your own home,
When you know you don’t have to pray alone.
When you say just what you feel,
It might not seem like a big deal.

Just remember that these rights weren’t free.
Many fought for you and me.

Clever! We are assuming “right to feel safe in your own home” is the code for gun rights, since “feeling safe at home” is not actually in the Bill of Rights, is that “on target,” haha? You may have to explain that one more fully to the kids.

And, bonus, some Big Hollywood reviewer is thrilled with this book, because it doesn’t make her feel like she is turning her son into a gay socialist when they read it together:

My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men.  He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco.  We’re not exactly the typical family you might find on the west side of Los Angeles.  So you can see why this is the kind of book I can feel good about reading with my son.

Yes, safer to skip all those other homosexual anti-military books out there. [The Internet/ Big Hollywood]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 311 comments }

nounverb911 August 30, 2011 at 4:25 pm

“One Nation Under God: A Book for Little Patriots”
I thought we lived under Canada.

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 4:53 pm

"O-NUG!!!"

finallyhappy August 30, 2011 at 5:36 pm

If Rick Perry wins(think Dead Zone – first scenario), I willl be living above the US

AJWjr. August 30, 2011 at 6:30 pm

I'ma have to learn Spanish where I be goin'.

Tundra Grifter August 30, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Saunders. We live under the name Saunders.

jakegittes August 30, 2011 at 6:15 pm

I live under a freeway.

widget2011 August 30, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Wow, I really do need to be re-edumacated!

tihond August 30, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I've read children's books like these before, but usually they're put out by Disney.

timbo71351 August 30, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Anybody who buys this book is an asshole and a terrible parent

LabRodent August 30, 2011 at 4:47 pm

thats just a fancy way of saying Republican,Timbo.

freddymcmurray August 30, 2011 at 5:21 pm

is it wrong that i want to publish my own? i needz me summa dat asshole action.

CapnFatback August 30, 2011 at 7:39 pm

On occasion, the nakedly visceral comment trumps refined snark. This is one such occasion, one such comment.

I doff my virtual hat to you, timbo.

GunToting[Redacted] August 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm

"When you know you don’t have to pray alone."

I'm struggling to fit this into one of the ten amendments… Is it the 3rd?

jus_wonderin August 30, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Thats the title to the next Lee Greenwood song. It is a bit lenghty for a song name but it gets a point across.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 30, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Thanks be to Allah that someone has stood up for our rights to gather together in the Mosques of our choosing. As everyone knows, before the Founders decided upon becoming the new Caliphate, no one could pray in groups.

genxr August 30, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I feel better knowing the people who buy this book will defend the right of muslims to pray together anywhere they want.

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 4:43 pm

"When you know you don’t have to pray alone."

Because you can't be a Christian unless you ignore Jesus's commandment to pray alone.

That Jesus feller was always spouting off crazy shit about loving your enemies anyways….

DaRooster August 30, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Don't forget about taking care of the ones around you.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 5:26 pm

a relevant passage from the KJV they love so much:

"5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him."

Matthew 6:5-8

Sparky_McGruff August 30, 2011 at 5:50 pm

That means we need to have lengthy prayers over the PA system at high-school football games, right? Why do you have to use such complimacated words?

Recon1 September 1, 2011 at 4:00 pm

You should prolly pay closer attention to the 7th verse, heathen. The subject under discussion in Matthew isn't public prayer, the subject is hypocrisy.

It's one of those finer points that escapes many of the more liberal persuasion.

not that Dewey August 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Yes. Those Redcoats will be happy to pray with you.

Steverino247 August 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

They just can't be quartered with you when they pray with you.

Doktor Zoom August 30, 2011 at 8:20 pm

So cut 'em in half and call it a day.

V572 T-Blow August 30, 2011 at 5:00 pm

It's the right to peaceably assemble and demand that the government adopt your religion as the One True Faith.

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:05 pm

And when you're not trying to force everyone else to adopt your religion; bitch, gripe, piss, and moan at every opportunity about how oppressed you are.

yrbmegr August 31, 2011 at 6:28 am

No, no, no! That's the one about not having to be reminded that there are gay people.

Captain_Quark August 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm

They left out Michele Bachman's contribution, penned while popping pills and thinking about economic policy:

Stuttering marmoset, relieved of all conceit!
Ever-flowing stream of antlers and gypsies!
Take from me in propitiation
This lonely raspberry.
We are out of muffins.
Why are there no pillows?

Remember: Free verse isn't free!

BarryOPotter August 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

We are out of muffins.

HA!!!!!! I LOVE that line! I'm going to work that in to various conversations at the penultimate inopportune moment, with an especially thick, nondescript accent.

elfgoldsackring August 30, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Multisyllable words spelled correctly? No way CrazyEyes wrote that. Probably Marcus stole it from one of his 'artistic' clients.

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Are you channeling Michele, or did you actually break into her house and take this from her desk?

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:06 pm

*snaps fingers in applause, beatnik-style*

whuzzat August 31, 2011 at 8:37 am

Get OUT of her head, man!!
Seriously, sound synapses there…

metamarcisf August 30, 2011 at 4:29 pm

And if she's lucky maybe her little boy will grow up to marry Rick Santorum's little girl.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 30, 2011 at 4:38 pm

The way she describes him, I'm pretty sure he will end up marrying Rick Santorum once he fully comes out of the closet.

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Rick's a little long in the tooth for Michele's boy.

nounverb911 August 30, 2011 at 4:29 pm

"My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure"
Does it take three naps a day? Does it have alzheimer's?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Does it have children out of wedlock? Does it dump its first wife for a young starlet best know for giving blow jobs?

SorosBot August 30, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Does it secretly sell weapons to the Iranian bad guy action figures?

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 4:56 pm

And the only thing it says when you pull it's string is:

"I do not recall. I do not recall. I do not recall…"

Doktor Zoom August 31, 2011 at 12:44 am

Heh…he *did* say "Well" a lot!

AJWjr. August 30, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Having that knowledge about "Mommy" is quite disturbing.

widget2011 August 30, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Hopefully, he lives long enough to become a critical thinker, then he will shove that RR action figure up his dad's ass.

Rotundo_ August 30, 2011 at 5:10 pm

He will be another conservative legacy brat that will wind up on talk radio or the internets yammering how we should humiliate and degrade the poor because poverty is a moral failing. Picture Jonah Goldberg with extra stupid and even better indoctrination for resolute stupid and you get the picture. It would be nice to think of his little mind growing into a critical thinking one and expanding. The reality is more like shriveling and becoming another Dough-bob Loadpants.

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 4:42 pm

And it randomly blurts out crazy shit, like Trees cause pollution!

anniegetyerfun August 30, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I hope it comes with a "veggie kit" that includes only packets of ketchup.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 30, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Has it been dead for eight years?

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Why, is Ronnie missing from your Other Home?

AJWjr. August 30, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Eight years, two months and twenty five days to be exact, but who's counting?

Radiotherapy® August 30, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Does it make movies during wartime?

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Doesn't she know that Reagan was dedicated to *inaction*?

rocktonsam August 30, 2011 at 7:33 pm

does it say" deficits don't matter" when you pull the string?

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:12 pm

It's very versatile. The settings include, "dismantle social safety net", "bust labor unions", "repeatedly tell made-up stories about welfare queens with six Cadillacs", "trade arms for hostages", "appoint a bunch of shitbags to your cabinet", and "pretend not to hear questions that you don't feel like answering".

user-of-owls August 31, 2011 at 1:08 am

Can you buy an add-on set from the Latin Americans Who's Slaughter I am Responsible For Series?

The Guatemala Pack is the biggest (200,000 colorfully dressed Mayan dead bodies; but the El Salvador Pack has more cool extras (75,000 itsy bitsy corpses, PLUS an assassinated archbishop AND four (4) American nuns pre-raped and murdered for your convenience!)

friendlyskies August 31, 2011 at 5:54 pm

"Mo fun, Mo massacres, Mozote!"

user-of-owls August 31, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Lookie up here at us unarmed Maya,
up in Chichicastenango ;
Lookie up here at us unarmed Maya,
watch us dancing the Dead Man's Tango.

gurukalehuru August 31, 2011 at 4:11 am

Does it like jellybeans?

Lascauxcaveman August 30, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Dr. Seuss it ain't.

More like Dr. Bleahh.

GuanoFaucet August 30, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Jesus fuck, that was some awful verse. I hope Amelia didn't quit her day job mopping floors at Cracker Barrel to write insipid children's books full time.

ProudLibunatic August 30, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Really.
Rhyming scheme fail.

Rotundo_ August 30, 2011 at 5:17 pm

She's probably more like a republican housefrau who married money and squirted out a couple of brats and Hubby is a wanna be representative currently in business and worth a small fortune. Wifey there wanted fulfillment and he suggested she write a kids book on Freedumbs to keep her occupied while he pumps rentboys and works on campaign strategies for screwing the poor even more effectively.

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I would ask how you know so much about the Republicunt in its natural habitat, except I really don't want to know.

Come here a minute August 30, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Cool — I wonder what clever rhyme they have to explain habeas corpus!

Lascauxcaveman August 30, 2011 at 4:34 pm

I couldn't guess, but now you've set me off trying to come up with a good kiddie's rhyme for "States Rights."

Great Bikes?
Fake lights?
Hate nights?
Rake Fights?

mumbly_joe August 30, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Well, let's be honest, all those calls of "States' Rights"?
Were really just about keeping all their racist hate nights.

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Doesn't *quite* scan, which means it's already better than the book.

mumbly_joe August 30, 2011 at 6:27 pm

She's not a poet,
But she definitely does not know it.

SorosBot August 30, 2011 at 4:36 pm

I think they may avoid that one since their Lord George decided to just ignore it.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 4:42 pm

humans have brains
but some have no wit.
"i wish they'd refrain,"
say some with a fit,
"from writing for kids
'bout habeas corpus.
i've read better tomes
shit out by a porpoise."

Swampgas_Man August 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

There are not enough upfists in the world.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 5:33 pm

thank you, sir. i try to be my best.

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Now ^^ that ^^ — THAT — is what that book needs.

LabRodent August 30, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Those be just fancy words.

genxr August 30, 2011 at 4:46 pm

The real challenge is coming up with something that rhymes with warrantless wiretapping.

nounverb911 August 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Endless Marcus fapping?

Dudleydidwrong August 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Warrantless wiretapping

Sometimes it is good to listen in
(though courts will say that it's a sin)
by tapping a phone and hiding a bug
so we can all be safe and snug
while evildoers get the chair.
Listen, judge, it isn't fair!
Don't need no warrant, that's for sure
To keep the USA so pure.
Get your lawyers out of this–
We mean business, this isn't just piss
(er, that word may not get into the book, but then again…)

Thurman Munster IV August 30, 2011 at 5:18 pm

We are out of muffins

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:03 pm

And cuckoo troglodytes vermilion thong feathers.

Radiotherapy® August 30, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Once there was a great Prez Abe,
He was known as a fence mender,
He freed slaves and he was a
habeus corpus suspender.

SwanSwanH August 30, 2011 at 9:02 pm

There once was an Arab from 8 Mile
Who complained that her son had been gone awhile
They said "up your or'face
with your Habeas Corpus"
And wouldn't release his rendition file

lefty74 August 30, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Who was it that said some day, we will be guarding the shit piles?

Swampgas_Man August 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Well, we got soldiers in a couple mid east litterboxes right now.

Rotundo_ August 30, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Dubyas' presidential liberry isn't open yet is it?

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:18 pm

He's not quite finished coloring the books in yet.

nounverb911 August 30, 2011 at 4:31 pm

"Just remember that these rights weren’t free.
Many fought for you and me."

(I avoided the draft while partying at Yale).

ManchuCandidate August 30, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Still better that DIck Cheney's Big Book of Koch.

baconzgood August 30, 2011 at 4:32 pm

(Voice over guy)

Ronald Reagan action figure!!!!

Pull his string and hear him talk! (Reagan's Voice:) "Mommy where are the jelly beans?"

Thrill as you too run up deficits, ignore AIDS, and waste trillions on a Star Wars program that never got off the ground, all the while watching the biggest drug epidemic in the history of the US!!!!!

Ronald Reagan action figure, Iran-Contra playset and senility kit sold seperatly.

Little kid: REAGAN…YEAH!!!!!

GunToting[Redacted] August 30, 2011 at 4:38 pm

It's big, it's heavy, it's wood!

baconzgood August 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Win. My kids (and I) have ALL the Ren & Stimpy's. No joke we watched 5 episodes last night.

Angry_Marmot August 30, 2011 at 4:59 pm

It's better than bad, it's good!

Gunner Asch August 30, 2011 at 8:44 pm

My father in law was Lockheed project manager for the target acquisition part of Star Wars. He never thought it would work, but was happy to plug away since there was no more Apollo program. He told me they had a big video display with a simulation of a missile attack and defense system. He said they'd change the winner according to the audience and as he put it "whether we were buying or selling".

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:19 pm

^
This? Better than the commercial for "Alabama Man".

DaRooster August 30, 2011 at 4:33 pm

When you know you’re safe in your own home,
When you know you don’t have to pray alone.
When you say just what you feel,
Wait, Congress hates and will make you squeal.

NorthStarSpanx August 30, 2011 at 8:02 pm

I don't know about feeling safe in my own home when the Right Gestapo are knocking down our doors and asking us when we last menstruated.

baconzgood August 30, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Navy SEALS? That movie sucked!

genxr August 30, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Really, what kind of parent would give his kid a Charlie Sheen poster for his bedroom.

baconzgood August 30, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I know! My kids are at least cool. They have a Bruce Campbell Med-Evil Dead (Not Army of Darkness) poster. FREAKIN' AWSOM!!!!!!

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 2:34 am

I'm sure Queen Latifah voiced one of the seals.

elburritodeluxe August 30, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Many fought for you and me,
And for my shitty poetry.

ProudLibunatic August 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Hey ebd:
At least your verse scans!

mrpuma2u August 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

It's sad that her crappy, stilted rhymes,
have 1st amendment protection and can't be crimes

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Win.

gurukalehuru August 31, 2011 at 4:14 am

That was a comment of genius
Republicans all suck penius

Moonbat August 31, 2011 at 9:17 am

….Burma-Shave.

friendlyskies August 31, 2011 at 6:15 pm

And for the right to burn our flags,
and call the weirdo neighbors fags!

To worship Satan, Baal, Hermes,
Or Carl Sagan, if you please.

Searches without warrant banned!*
No torture, by their wise command!*

To march as Nazis in the streets
With guns galore when e'er we meet.

This, heroes left to me and you!
Protected! Thanks, ACLU.

*These rights have been temporarily rescinded by the Patriot Act, which should not be confused with actual patriotism.

elfgoldsackring August 30, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Yeah, the sooner you teach them how to pick up Marines in public places the better. Good job, Hollywood Mom!

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I can't wait till Sonny brings his first sailor home.

Callyson August 30, 2011 at 4:34 pm

My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men.
Little patriot will be coming out in 3…2…1…

LabRodent August 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Coming out or gunning down a courtyard full of christmas shoppers at the mall. You choose.

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I'll take Number Two, please, with lots of extra blood.

DCBloom August 30, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Really? A Ronald Reagan doll? Where did she find that, and why would a child want to play with an old man? That freaked me out more than the book did.

Gleem_McShineys August 30, 2011 at 7:33 pm

RealDoll™ presents The Patriot Series, life-size and anatomically exquisite!

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Ha!!
Also, EWWWWW!!

yrbmegr August 31, 2011 at 6:39 am

Getting him the RR mask for Xmas.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 4:34 pm

isn't this "reading" idea counter-revolutionary if you're a teabagger? time for a purge, i say!

MinAgain August 30, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Civics homework? Oh, you pie-eyed optimist.

“right to feel safe in your own home”

In all fairness, that could also refer to freedom from being required to quarter troops in your home (Third Amendment), and freedom from unreasonable search of your home (Fourth Amendment).

I'm just sayin'.

MissTaken August 30, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Why does the 3rd Amendment hate the troops?

widget2011 August 30, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Hope you haven't read "The Patriot Act" in it's entirety.

SorosBot August 30, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Although recent Supreme Court decisions have rendered the Fourth Amendment more the freedom from unreasonable search of your home, unless the police have some sort of reason to think that your home maybe could possibly contain drugs, or maybe a home near yours that they got yours mixed up with.

genxr August 30, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Or if they're chasing terrorists. See People v Jack Bauer.

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Or, you know, the whole thing with the skin color.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 30, 2011 at 5:04 pm

But not freedom to engage in frowned-upon sexual activities, or to consume frowned-upon chemical substances, or…

Basically, you're free to be just like them. Enjoy your rights!

SorosBot August 30, 2011 at 5:09 pm

They also like to ignore the freedom from government establishment of religion, freedom from search and seizure without a warrant, freedom from imprisonment without trial and the tight to a trial by jury, and attorney and everything that goes along with that, and the freedom from cruel and unusual punishment; the right doesn't seem to like any of those freedoms.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 30, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Those are rights reserved for the right. (That's why they're called the right, see?)

When de gub'mint comes knocking on your door,
That's what all our guns are for.

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:24 pm

"or to consume frowned-upon chemical substances"

Well, to be strictly accurate, the employers have taken over much of the search and seizure for frowned upon substances, what with the pre-employment piss testing, and then the random piss testing of employees.

I mean, the cops can't be *everywhere*, you know.

nappyduggs August 30, 2011 at 4:35 pm

What kind of "patriot" goes to Scotland to learn English? Bob Jones U wasn't good enough for her?
C'm'ere, Amelia. I gotta Glasgow kiss waitin' fer ye.

ShaveTheWhales August 31, 2011 at 12:28 am

up-forehead for Glasgow kiss

MissTaken August 30, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Re: the Ronald Reagan action figure

Is it of the young, virile, movie star Ronnie or the old, senile, falling asleep in his bowl of jelly beans during Cabinet meetings Ronnie?

DaRooster August 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Pull his string and he says,"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz."

anniegetyerfun August 30, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Both! That's what makes him an ACTION figure – he can morph from one to the other, and back again. Seekrit identitee and all that.

SorosBot August 30, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Or the slightly older movie star Ronnie betraying his friends in front of HUAC?

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:09 pm

That's the one I remember best. Union member R. Reagan ratting out his buddies like the chickenshit he was.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 30, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Does he come with a Bonzo doll?

MissTaken August 30, 2011 at 6:02 pm

The action is they both go to bedtime together!

mumbly_joe August 30, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Accessories include a carton of Chesterfields, and three different costumes uniforms.

AJWjr. August 30, 2011 at 6:52 pm

As long as it's got the blue suit jacket with the bullet hole in it, it's OK with me.

Chillwaver August 30, 2011 at 4:36 pm

"My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll)"

You can call it a puppet, just like the one in real life.

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

OK, I'll be the dry cleaners, cause all you got is an empty suit…

emmelemm August 30, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Many wins for that.

Angry_Marmot August 30, 2011 at 5:02 pm

"Where's the rest of me?"

Poindexter718 August 30, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Real patriots don't make their kids play with TOY guns.

northernbassist August 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

And real parents don't make their kids play with RAY-guns.

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Depends on whether they are feeling suicidal, see?

elburritodeluxe August 30, 2011 at 4:38 pm

An action figure… That's WAY cooler than my Reagan dildo!

MichelesPantalones August 30, 2011 at 6:10 pm

I knew of the Reagan buttplug, but there's a Reagan DILDO?

MissTaken August 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

"He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco"

TRAITOR! Everyone knows REAL AMERICANS shop at Walmart

elfgoldsackring August 30, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I hear Larry Craig started out exactly the same way.

OneYieldRegular August 30, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Really. Little Patriot FAIL. Costco is totally in the Democratic camp.

mog253 August 30, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Hmm, talking to strange men in uniform at the airport???

ProudLibunatic August 30, 2011 at 5:42 pm

If I was a Marine, I'd be a little creeped out by some little Hitler-jugend weirdo saying : "Semper fi!"
(I thought only former or current Marines were supposed to say that.)

Steverino247 August 30, 2011 at 5:50 pm

As we used to say in the Army:

Marine (pronounced like "Maureen")? That's a girl's name.

NorthStarSpanx August 30, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I'm sure the jarheads would rather have tween/teenage girls/MILFs/GMILFs/pumas/cougars paying attention to them.

jus_wonderin August 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I really can't wait for the in-utero compact disc set with tummy-phones. But wait, there's more…if you act now we can get the sperms & eggs combo pack to head off liburlizm in yer womb.

SorosBot August 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

There are not ten rights or ten freedoms, bad poet lady; there are ten amendments, many of which involve multiple rights. Just look at the first one; there is freedom of and from religion, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom to assembly, and freedom to petition the government for redress of grievances. That's like six right there.

jus_wonderin August 30, 2011 at 4:48 pm

She's planning on pulling a J. K. Rowling but making a series of mistakes.

genxr August 30, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Yeah we could get rid of a few, knock 'em down to ten total. the first being, "I am the lord thy god…"

not that Dewey August 30, 2011 at 5:02 pm

The Lord Jehovah has given you these fifteen … ten amendments for all to obey.

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

This is a real book, if by "real" you mean so crappy, not even Amazon will carry it.

And since this is the author's first book (no doubt some wacko from a Colorado Springs mega-church), I'm just as much of a "writer" as this idiot…..

genxr August 30, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Colorado Springs? Home of the anti-government defense contractor? Sounds about right.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 30, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Home of the United States God Air Force Academy.

prommie August 30, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Didn't some asshole shitbag proto-teatard wife of someone write a similar guidebook for budding shitbag Niedermayers, years ago? Was it Olson's dead wife? It was someone's wife, I think. Complete shit. Its appropriate, though, because all these conservative retards, all of them, have an understanding of history, economics, and sociology thats right about at the 2nd grade level. See, for example, Hannity, Beck, Bachman, etc., etc.

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:27 pm

"guidebook for budding shitbag Niedermayers"

This?
So good I wanted a cigarette afterwards.

AtlanticCapers August 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Why would Republicans encourage their children to read? Reading might lead to learning.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 30, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Putting ideas into heads where there didn't used to be any!

crybabyboehner August 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Lady, your boy is playing with dolls. He's gay.

anniegetyerfun August 31, 2011 at 1:08 pm

But he likes talking to those tall, handsome Marines in the airport!

weejee August 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I'm torn whether to give this a Bellamy Salute or a Keith Moon.

Needz a better beat.

Mumbletypeg August 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Up next, in just a couple more weeks: Disaster-inspired poetic salutes, revisited.

NEVAR FORGET!!1!

(…probably wishing I hadn't reminded you, though).

Radiotherapy® August 30, 2011 at 6:29 pm

9/11 rhymes with heaven.

not that Dewey August 30, 2011 at 7:08 pm

That is one terrible-ass poem. Thank you for sharing.

prommie August 30, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Authority-worshipping little lickspittles are the dream victims for pedophiles; they do as they're told and they don't tell!

DailyGrumbles August 30, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Ha Ha Ha! Atavistic Tea Monkeys can't read. #Epic Fail!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 30, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Where are the verses on corporations being people, the fun of torturing brown people, cutting taxes on the wealth, or why science and reality have liberal biases?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 30, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Volume II, coming soon to a Christofascist bookstore near you.

inapewetrust August 30, 2011 at 4:43 pm

oh hey, i remember that episode of the $25,000 pyramid:

umm, uh, airports…
costco…

places that you see marines!!!

jus_wonderin August 30, 2011 at 5:39 pm

"I'll take the center square. Paul Lynde for the win!" Oh, wait, wrong show. My bad

inapewetrust August 30, 2011 at 5:47 pm

remember "shadow"? who the fuck was that guy?

MissTaken August 30, 2011 at 6:07 pm

According to the all-knowing Wikipedia he is the voice of the Late Late Show with Craigy Ferg. I mainly remember his Federated commercials and Hollywood Squares.

Good God, growing up in the 80s was shitty.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadoe_Stevens

emmelemm August 30, 2011 at 6:49 pm

LIES!! Growing up in the 80s was awesome.

SorosBot August 30, 2011 at 6:51 pm

He also hosted a rival Top 40 Countdown show to Casey Kasem's; I listened to that on many a Sunday afternoon while playing the NES. And growing up in the 80s was great – we had cartoons and toys like Transformers and GI Joe, the start of home video games and home video, great music, and those lucky bastards who's parents weren't too cheap to get it had cable.

EatsBabyDingos August 30, 2011 at 4:44 pm

My big dog makes Ronald Regan action figures when we go on our walks. Big piles of poop, fuul of poop. Like Reagan. First or Second term.

MinAgain August 30, 2011 at 4:46 pm

If I wrote a children's book about being a patriot, it would be very short.

If you are old enough, vote in every election for which you are an eligible voter.
If you are called up for jury duty, serve as long you are needed.
Pay your taxes.
The end.

crybabyboehner August 30, 2011 at 4:46 pm

"They are 10 reasons that we fought"
British surrender in War of Independence – 1781
Bill of Rights ratified – 1791

Crank_Tango August 30, 2011 at 4:58 pm

just like they fought to get rid of slavery, 80 years before they fought to get rid of slavery.

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:30 pm

But, but…
What about the freedom to have slavery??
What about that, huh?

mog253 August 30, 2011 at 5:10 pm

That's right get all accurate and history teacher on us.

deanbooth August 30, 2011 at 5:41 pm

And the Bill of Rights didn't even apply to state law until after the civil war. Abolitionist newspapers were banned in the South.

BaldarTFlagass August 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

What makes everyone think that this book is for children?

mog253 August 30, 2011 at 5:10 pm

What makes anyone think that this book is for children?

jus_wonderin August 30, 2011 at 5:55 pm

If an object has covers, pages and words…can we confidently call it a book? What if we put it in a box and close the lid? Is it a book then, or a spoon.

I will leave this to greater minds. I have drinking to do.

ShaveTheWhales August 31, 2011 at 12:33 am

Schroedinger's spoon?

Doktor Zoom August 31, 2011 at 12:38 am

Schroedinger's poon?

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

a poem about tebaggers:

if our face were bottles
you'd try hard to cork us.
freedom of speech isn't free.

my "patriot son" is a
dorkus malorkus.
we'll water the tree with our pee.

DaRooster August 30, 2011 at 4:50 pm

"Semper fi?"
You know that ain't English right? Let alone 'Merican.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Latin? like Latin America? time to build the dang fence.

revmatty August 30, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Holy fucking electrified black Jesus on a pogo stick, this book regardless of the content (which is awful and cloying) hits dead on what I hate most in modern kids' books: 'poets' who have no idea what the fuck METER is. My five year old complains about the shitty shitty writing in these books and she's FIVE. Don't get me started on the forced rhymes that aren't even goddamn CLOSE. I hate kids' book authors so very much I wish to stab most of them in the face over the internet with a rusty staph-laden metal spiked dildo.

And then along comes a teatard kids' author who just somehow makes the others seem not quite so terrible…

elfgoldsackring August 30, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Free verse isn't free! Meter? The metric system is a communist plot!

Crank_Tango August 30, 2011 at 4:57 pm

as long as the last words rhyme, it's poetry. not rap, but poetry.

anniegetyerfun August 30, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Incidentally, The Very Angry Staph-Laden Metal Spiked Dildo is the title of my new children's book.

DaRooster August 30, 2011 at 5:32 pm

"Don't get me started on the forced rhymes that aren't even goddamn CLOSE."

What like "Again" with "Rain"? Just because it is spelled the same does not mean it rhymes. (I do it sometimes just to fuck with folks though)

MissTaken August 30, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Good
Food

anniegetyerfun August 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Technically, in Canada, this would rhyme. Which means that it is socialist.

LettucePrey August 30, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Haikus are still haikus
Even when they do not contain the proper number of syllables
When I write them, due to my awesomeness

ProudLibunatic August 30, 2011 at 5:55 pm

My favorite corollary to this is kids who can't sing. Why do idiots assume that kids can't tell when the meter is wrong or if a note is flat? It is NOT cute to be wrong!
STANDARDS PEOPLE!!

(There was an ad campaign years ago (Ikea?) that featured deliberately crappy singing and rhyming in a "folk" song. It was hilarious!)

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:35 pm

"It is NOT cute to be wrong!
STANDARDS PEOPLE!!"

As one of the few funny Archie Bunker lines ever said:
What's so funny about that? The kid's stupid.

Tundra Grifter August 30, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Well, at least you don't seem too bitter about it…

elfgoldsackring August 30, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Hey, I never realized Big Hollywood was on IntenseDebate, so we are all already logged in to comment there! Just sayin'…

glamourdammerung August 30, 2011 at 5:35 pm

How did you think spanky the downfisting obsessive moron was pestering folks here for so long?

elfgoldsackring August 30, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Oh right.

ShaveTheWhales August 31, 2011 at 12:36 am

Also, how metamarci ran up that awe-inspiring negative pee (now, sadly, evaporating).

Tundra Grifter August 30, 2011 at 5:52 pm

The good news is Big Hollywood still has downfisting (and as long as Andrew B. runs it, it will probably always will).

The bad news is posting there will kill your p-ness, because there are some angry jokers over there.

AJWjr. August 30, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Without the downfist, the upfist has no meaning.

Tundra Grifter August 30, 2011 at 8:20 pm

There must be a down to have an up, Grasshopper. That's pretty much the Yin and the Yang of it.

OneYieldRegular August 30, 2011 at 4:53 pm

a.k.a. "Heather Has Two Paul Family Congressional Representatives."

Crank_Tango August 30, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Anatomically correct Reagan doll or gtfo!

Now tell us, lil patriot, using the doll, where did zombie reagan touch you?

anniegetyerfun August 30, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Wait, if you click on the link to the preview… is that Paul Revere, ringin' bells? Shouldn't he be firing guns, as well? To warn the British?

Lascauxcaveman August 30, 2011 at 4:56 pm

and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco.

Man, I know those places get crazy around the Xmas rush, but c'mon already, martial law?

jus_wonderin August 30, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Now who is going to protect the acre of Hickory Roasted Almonds and the three isles of tube socks????

AlterNewt August 30, 2011 at 4:56 pm

"… any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco".

God bless America.

mavenmaven August 30, 2011 at 5:33 pm

And to think, I was unaware that there even was a Costco in West Los Angeles.

AlterNewt August 30, 2011 at 10:28 pm

News to me too, but the Google says it's near Pico and Central, next to "People's Sausage Company", so.. one-stop-shopping for marine-lovin'-mom.

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 2:44 am

We sure this isn't West Hollywood instread of West LA?

not that Dewey August 30, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Most American heroes of the Revolutionary period are by now two men, the actual man and the romantic image. Some are even three men – the actual man, the image, and the de-bunked remains.

-Esther Forbes

FakaktaSouth August 30, 2011 at 5:00 pm

"We’re not exactly the typical family you might find on the west side of Los Angeles. So you can see why this is the kind of book I can feel good about reading with my son."

I know how she feels, we are not the typical Alabama family. So you can see why these are the type of people I can feel good about telling my son to stay the fuck away from. And such.

Wonderthing August 30, 2011 at 5:01 pm

"Semper fi" huh? Well, when the kid starts mumbling "Sic semper tyrannus" under his breath, I'd take that doll away from him…

SayItWithWookies August 30, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Wow — heroic couplets — the most stultifying verse form. To be fair though, she makes Pope seem readable.

Buckminster August 30, 2011 at 5:07 pm

God, not only do their politics suck but the level of writing is abysmal!

D-

Signed,
Buck, the English major

BTWBFDIMHO August 30, 2011 at 5:10 pm

“Right to feel safe in your own home”.
Here in Texas many houses have this sign on the front door (instead of "welcome" or "our house is your house"):
"We have guns, we don't call 911".

Biel_ze_Bubba August 31, 2011 at 12:02 am

Mine says "Come back when you have a warrant."

tessiee August 31, 2011 at 9:30 am

"We have guns, we don't call 911"

Aside from the fact that this not-so-subtly suggests that shooting people is the preferred solution to problems, it's a lousy joke, *as a joke*. It steps on the punchline. The same joke, if structured correctly, should read:
"We don't call 911… we have guns".

Maman August 30, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Oh sweet Jesus. My nephews must have this read to them every freaking night.

genxr August 30, 2011 at 5:11 pm

My favorite is when the king of the turtles accuses the bottom 50% of the turtle stack of paying no taxes and getting a free ride, and Yurtle loses his fight for collective bargaining rights. The tension builds as federal agents listen in on Horton's secret communications, which segues into "Oh the places you'll go (through secret rendition)." The rest of the book is just different ways to blame the Lorax for high energy prices.

anniegetyerfun August 30, 2011 at 5:17 pm

You have made the rest of my week. Well, you, and copious amounts of whiskey.

owhatever August 30, 2011 at 5:12 pm

How old is your kid? Twenty?

genxr August 30, 2011 at 5:21 pm

He's 34, but hardly ever bothers me and the missus. Spends most of his time in the basement with his… uh… action figures. Got him the Ollie North/Jessica Hahn playset for Christmas.

GregComlish August 30, 2011 at 6:42 pm

My son has an inflatable Ricky Martin action figure in his room (okay, maybe it's not exactly an action figure). He also has lots of steamy Navy SEAL posters and little green army guys piled on top of each other.

flamingpdog August 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I wonder if Christine O'Donnell would sign this book too (also) at the book signing in Lone Tree tonight.

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

one more:

tea party, retardy,
Hollywood cinephile
brainwashing progeny,
"to have some balls."

Reagany, pagany
derelict matriarch
begetting psychopaths
who play with dolls.

mormos August 30, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Now see I would think the right to “feeling safe at home”, would be translated to protection from unreasonable search and seizure. You know, the fourth amendment, that thing that Arizona is violating with all its racist laws

mumbly_joe August 30, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Right, given the statistics surrounding gun-owing homes, I'm not exactly sure how that's supposed to translate into feeling safe at home.

OHWAIT: it's feeling safe, not being safe. DUH.

CHUDster_Arthur August 30, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Maybe Dana Commandatore will get lucky and her son will one day get to fight in one of the United States' awesome future wars.

elfgoldsackring August 30, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Or at least provide aid and succor to a Navy SEAL or three.

DemonicRage August 30, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Do you live in a part of California where they're trying to figure out how to make used toilet water drinkable? Who is your son going to go to war with, to liberate the Messican rivers?

BTWBFDIMHO August 30, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Here in Texas we're using sewage water too. http://dfw.cbslocal.com/2011/08/10/texas-plant-wi

genxr August 30, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Fuck that, just drink Brawndo. It's got electrolytes.

johnnymeatworth August 30, 2011 at 5:29 pm

"He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

Hopefully he calls Marines that they run into at other places "pussies."

poncho_pilot August 30, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Have you seen a five years old boy, blond hair and he's wearing a t-shirt that says "Bullshit" on it?

johnnymeatworth August 31, 2011 at 9:05 am

No, but there was this one kid earlier who was wearing a t-shirt that said "Life Sucks" on it….

mavenmaven August 30, 2011 at 5:31 pm

"The Bill of Rights tells us that
We may do what many can’t."
I suppose the Bill of Rights allows for non rhyming couplets with awkward meter.

SmutBoffin August 30, 2011 at 6:06 pm

THE TROOPS (c) FOUGHT AND DIED SO THAT BAD POETRY CAN BE MADE BY UNIMAGINATIVE HOUSEWIVES

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 7:19 pm

From your lips to Satan's ears!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 31, 2011 at 12:05 am

I'm listening…

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 7:19 pm

"We may do what many can’t."

BECAUSE IT'S AMERICANS NOT AMERICANTS…

AJWjr. August 30, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Hey, some bluegrass songs rhyme "haunt" with "ant", lighten up!

JackObin August 30, 2011 at 5:33 pm

One Nation Under Lard.

glamourdammerung August 30, 2011 at 5:34 pm

So all that crying and whining about "liberal indoctrination" was just projection, showing once again that normal people can not be teabaggers because it would require a lack of intelligence, self-awareness, and basic dignity.

SheriffRoscoe August 30, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Ronald Reagan action figure? That's some crazy shit.

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Takes 2 naps a day! Wow! Exciting….

Tundra Grifter August 30, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Memo to the author:

"That" and "can't" don't rhyme.

"A lot" and "fought" don't rhyme.

"A lot" makes your book read like it was written by a child instead of for a child.

Amazon doesn't have this? There's justice in our world, after all.

fartknocker August 30, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Meh, if I had a son I would rather give him a Bill Clinton doll. When you pull its string is says "Blow Me Monica."

bordo2 August 30, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Amelia says she is a lifelong patriot. How many tours of duty did she serve in Iraq or Afghanistan, or is she another sniveling patriot who is fighting the "war of ideas" on American soil? Patriot my ass.

MissTaken August 30, 2011 at 6:17 pm

She didn't have time to fight for her country because she was getting her patriot schooling in Scotland, like a good American would.
http://www.ameliahamilton.com/about-amelia-hamilt

elfgoldsackring August 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Kid, run over and tell that Marine that Mommy's got a wet spot for a man in uniform… Warm spot, dammit, I meant warm spot! Stop crying you ungrateful little shit, do you want a new Daddy or not?

mavenmaven August 30, 2011 at 6:37 pm

This scenario gave me a sad…

AJWjr. August 30, 2011 at 8:09 pm

No, white spot!

joobajooba August 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Call it what you want, it's a doll.

BTWBFDIMHO August 30, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I'd rather read One Nation Under Dog. http://www.amazon.com/One-Nation-Under-Dog-Prozac

HedonismBot August 30, 2011 at 6:09 pm

The right to "feel safe in your home" also could refer to the Third Amendment (protection from being forced to quarter troops,) or the Fourth and Fifth amendments (protection from unreasonable search and seizure and protection from deprivation of life, liberty or property without due process of law.)
Just sayin.'

BarackMyWorld August 30, 2011 at 6:19 pm

I'm trying to remember the rightwing spin about the "true" meaning of the 4th and 5th amendments….probably something about private property and not going to jail for funneling profits from illegal arms sales to Central America.

genxr August 30, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Or it could mean you use a Glock like a security blanket.

AJWjr. August 30, 2011 at 8:12 pm

When I was a child I sucked my thumb while clutching my blanket. Let's hope they don't mix up their thumb with their Glock. Or whatever.

Guppy06 August 30, 2011 at 6:54 pm

The Third Amendment would never be ratified if the Founding Fathers actually supported our troops!

Beowoof August 30, 2011 at 6:28 pm

That cover art looks as if it were done in Hong Kong. Merica!

mavenmaven August 30, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Some "lifelong" patriot. Look at her bio, she sounds like a bloody loyalist tory to me. Also, what is a "lifelong writer"?:

A lifelong writer and patriot, Amelia also loves…hockey…has a master’s degree…from University of St Andrews in Scotland and a postgraduate diploma in fine and decorative arts from Christie's London…

politics_nerd August 30, 2011 at 6:46 pm

My kid's room is full of toy soldiers, tanks, attack helicopters, action figures armed to the teeth with automatic weapons, and he himself owns over a half dozen (mostly nerf dart-shooting) toy guns, a bb gun, a pellet gun (serious one that you can hunt with), and constantly plays violent video games. He also hates republicans, believes in equal rights for everybody, and voted with me for Obama (I let him punch the card). Go figure.

ProudLibunatic August 30, 2011 at 8:10 pm

When my kids were little, they were playing at a friend's house when his Mom righteously proclaimed that HER son was not allowed to play with guns.
Right after she said this, (he couldn't hear her), he picked up a square pillow from the couch, aimed a corner of it at my daughter, and "shot" her.

Guppy06 August 30, 2011 at 7:00 pm

My, what a well-adjusted young man that child will turn out to be! A regular Norman Bates!

CrunchyKnee August 30, 2011 at 7:04 pm

The Bill of Corporate Rights tells us that
We may fuck over who we want.
So there would be no room for doubt,
Our Founding Jesus laid them out.

There are ten rights, and they mean a lot.
They are ten reasons that we bought.
Freedoms we didn’t have before,
Freedoms (well expect for the slaves, women and poor).

When you know you’re safe in your own home,
When you know you don’t have to prey alone.
When you say just what you feel (unless it isn't the FauxNewz line),
It might not seem like a big deal.

Just remember that these rights weren’t free.
Many poors and blacks fought for you and me.

tessiee August 31, 2011 at 10:01 am

Awesome.
I bow to you, Sir or Madam.

DahBoner August 30, 2011 at 7:20 pm

One Nation Under God?

Who knew that God likes the missionary position???

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 2:47 am

Silly, that's god's only allowed position.

AlaskaGrrl August 30, 2011 at 7:39 pm

"My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men. He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

And wears Mommy's underwear…? The kid will grow up as either a repressed gay Republican Congressman that will resign in disgrace when caught with his gay lover, a chorus member in a transvestite revue in a biker/leather bar, or a serial killer.

Warpde August 30, 2011 at 8:02 pm

You would have thought they would at least get the fucking flag right on the cover.
Ohhhhhh!
Now I understand.

finallyhappy August 30, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I sent my kid to a socialist summer camp- really. When she was ten, she came home with little handmade stickers about major corporations "10 cents a day is all they pay" -maybe Nike and child labor? Also the Nike Swoosh with a circle and line through it(don't tell, Nike might sue her for trademark infringement). Now she is much older and very interested in capitalism(and like her mom, voted for the socialist Muslin Kenyan)

Doktor Zoom August 30, 2011 at 8:35 pm

That "Semper Fi" parent reminded me of someone:

“All right, Jason. Tell Santa what you want. Tell him what you want.”

Jason said, “I….want…Prokton and…Gamble to…stop animal testing.”

The mother said, “Procter, Jason, that’s Procter and Gamble. And what do they do to animals? Do they torture animals, Jason? Is that what they do?”

Jason said, Yes, they torture. He was probably six years old.

–David Sedaris, "The Santaland Diaries"

caitifty August 30, 2011 at 8:52 pm

"My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men. He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

I'm glad you're setting him up to compensate for the small penis he's going to inherit from you already.

HolyCow!! August 30, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Right-wing rubes will buy anything.

succalina August 30, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Dana Commandotore? Sounds like a drag queen name.

tessiee August 31, 2011 at 10:19 am

IMO, it sounds like an Italian-American name.
And yet, she's found something *worse* than a Catholic upbringing to inflict on her kid?
It's kinda impressive, really.

not that Dewey August 30, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Kid: Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?

Amendment: I'm not garbage.

tessiee August 30, 2011 at 11:02 pm

"He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

It seems unlikely to me that any kid young enough to still be playing with toys would be fluent in Latin…
Oh, wait. He has no idea what those words mean. He's just mindlessly making noises like a trained parrot.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 31, 2011 at 12:11 am

"He's just mindlessly making noises like a trained parrot. "

Already a teagagger. That's pretty sad.

cappachino65 August 30, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Reeks of "Don't Trust A Fox in A Green Meadow"

kateinmt August 31, 2011 at 12:05 am

"Ronald Reagan" and "action figure" is an oxymoron. "Ronald Reagan Lump of Play Doh" would be far more accurate.

mookwrthwilson August 31, 2011 at 1:09 am

I hear this was the favorite book of Waterloo, IA's favorite son…

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 2:24 am

How adorable. A book for little fascists theocrats, mommy's favorite little militiaman.

We’re not exactly the typical family you might find on the west side of Los Angeles.

Guess what? Your family isn't even typical for the average American family, so get off your fuckin victimization pommel horse.

Negropolis August 31, 2011 at 2:45 am

Yo, Imma let you finish, Ten Freedoms, but the Four Freedoms were the best set of freedoms evah.

gurukalehuru August 31, 2011 at 4:16 am

Let's call a doll a doll.

An_Outhouse August 31, 2011 at 8:27 am

What gives them the right to judge my patriot 'little'? Its huge!

tessiee August 31, 2011 at 9:50 am

Which of the shitty poems in this book is about getting drunk on wine coolers, and then laying a dumb slut in a tent?

Oh, wait, different book.
My bad.

rte148 August 31, 2011 at 10:03 am

well, sure looks like the artist they hired is a hack. just recycled some examples of Italian architecture such as Rome's Santa Maria in Cosmedin for the tower and the Ponte Vecchio in Florence for the arches.

Are those terracotta tiles I see for the roofs? And whats with their shallow pitch? Don't they know about snow?

I wouldn't expect precise architectural details, but c'mon, one look at the picture and I think southern Italy, not colonial America. Typical laziness of the teabagger.

MLite August 31, 2011 at 10:34 am

Is that a Little George W Bush on the cover?

Allmighty_Manos August 31, 2011 at 11:45 am

"My son has a Ronald Reagan action figure (okay, maybe it’s not an action figure but I refuse to call it a doll) in his room along with Navy SEAL posters and plenty of little green army men. He plays with toy guns and wears camouflage pants and says “Semper fi” to any Marine we come across in an airport or at Costco."

Yeah, well my kid plays with blocks and bikes and is taught that guns are used for maiming and killing other boys and girls who deserve better.

Brad August 31, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Quote: "Clever! We are assuming “right to feel safe in your own home” is the code for gun rights, since “feeling safe at home” is not actually in the Bill of Rights"

Way to show your own ignorance. Here's another quote from you from a little something known as the Fourth Amendment:

"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

VeritasAmerican August 31, 2011 at 4:57 pm

If you're going to criticize a book, then you need to actually know what you're talking about. You said: We are assuming “right to feel safe in your own home” is the code for gun rights, since “feeling safe at home” is not actually in the Bill of Rights, is that “on target,” haha?
But the Bill of Rights says: "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."
So this doesn't have to do with gun rights (2nd amendment), but rather the 4th amendment.

ttommyunger September 1, 2011 at 7:12 am

Jeez, is this kid fucked, or what?

rightjb September 1, 2011 at 9:23 pm

It is great to see all the hate by you liberals over children, basic moral education and the legacy of the great thinkers who loved God and loved the concept of freedom. You are proving once again your ignorance and lack of civility by comments such as:

timbo71351 112p · 2 days ago
Anybody who buys this book is an asshole and a terrible parent

Wow! What insight! What intellectual prowess this writer shows! (I don't see any attacks on his post however also showing the hypocrisy of your own attacks on CHILDREN'S LITERATURE) Also – didn't your grammar-challenged leader call for an era of civility?

Yes. Even educated in SCOTLAND – Ms. Hamilton has more literary prowess than Mr. Obama did in his recently released letter while editor at Harvard Law Review.

Here's a riddle for you history-lacking rubes – Guess which founder said this: Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other. go ahead Google it. you might learn something.

rightjb September 1, 2011 at 9:51 pm

It would be so much better to critique the writing craft aimed at adults wouldn't it? But then again – my guess is you far left liberals will just ignore the horrible grammar of your messiah and leader of your party:
http://www.americanthinker.com/2011/08/early_obam

MissTaken August 30, 2011 at 7:16 pm

One word: Reagan.

ShaveTheWhales August 31, 2011 at 12:32 am

Also, not that much great music.

inapewetrust August 31, 2011 at 2:56 am

for example, taco.

so bad it's good? i feel like that became a thing because of how rife with dregs the 80s were.

this year he released an album called "tacii" that's ten different versions of "puttin' on the ritz". though i can't find a link to a place to buy the album – sorry gang!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: