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Here is just another thing about that awful white/wet/WHO KNOWS people-lovin’ Michele Bachmann, who is your next president, at least until the Mayans rapture everyone down to Hades. Michele Bachmann is very concerned about the lack of jobs in America, and also about our dependency on foreign oil. Lucky for us, Michele Bachmann has a plan, which includes, probably among other terrifying ideas, ripping up the Everglades for oil.

Bachman said the United States needs to tap into all of its energy resources no matter where they exist if it can be done responsibly.

“The United States needs to be less dependent on foreign sources of energy and more dependent upon American resourcefulness. Whether that is in the Everglades, or whether that is in the eastern Gulf region, or whether that’s in North Dakota, we need to go where the energy is,” she said. “Of course it needs to be done responsibly. If we can’t responsibly access energy in the Everglades then we shouldn’t do it.”

In 2002, the federal government at the urging of President George W. Bush bought back oil and gas drilling rights in the Everglades for $120 million. Bachmann, who wants to get rid of the federal Environmental Protection Agency, said she would rely on experts to determine whether drilling can be done without harming the environment.

Michele Bachmann’s “experts” are top-notch guys from highly respected professional scientific backgrounds insane churches, so rest easy, nature freaks! [AP]

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  • nounverb911

    So is Bachmannn the person that sews the little alligators on the shirts?

    • Mahousu

      Close. She's the one who sews big alligators into purses.

    • McGreek

      Little baby alligators.

  • Barb

    Michele could kill all the alligators by just staring at them with those crazy eyes. I'm sure Marcus wouldn't mind taking out a few cockodiles himself.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Excllent!

  • Of course God wants us to drill in the Everglades! It's why he keeps sending hurricanes in that direction…or is it because teh gayz in Miami Beach? Eh, your choice.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Also Casey Anthony, Disney World, all the pedophiles who live in FL that seem to kidnap & kill little blonde girls, Rick Scott, oh & the horrible Miami Dolphins.

      • tcaalaw

        The pedophiles are deeply offended that you would lump them in with Rick Scott.

        • LesBontemps

          And the Miami Dolphins.

    • Negropolis

      You really want to know why he keeps sending hurricanes? 'Cause Jesus; that's why. That's ultimately the answer for everything in their world. It doesn't have to make sense. In fact, it's better if it doesn't.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Responsibly" extract oil from the Everglades = make some big oil companies responsible for doing it. (They're people, after all, so what could possibly go wrong?)

    As for relying on "experts", who's more expert at this than oil companies?

    This is a no-brainer, folks… which makes it perfect for Michele.

  • nounverb911

    Oil spills are people too, my friends.

  • Crank_Tango

    …and who employs more oil experts than oil companies?*

    *Bush administration doesn't count.

    • HistoriCat

      The Bush administration was an oil company.

  • fuflans

    i don't want to live in michele's world.

    or in michele's america.

    • I say IL should secede and immediately declare wars of conquest on neighboring states. WI is full of partisans ready to rise up, and MI is practically empty anyway. Then we can establish relations and beg Canada to "Anschluss" us.

      • fuflans

        i think this is a marvelous plan if only to see rahm will kick walker's pansy ass

  • Wasn't this mess dealt with the ANWR debate?

  • tribbzthesquidz

    1.Destroy Everything
    2.???????
    3.Profit/Rapture

    • Polythene_Pam

      2. Debauchery (becuz god expects it, at that point)
      2b. Repent (for the debauchery – the destroying is fine)

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    OT — but the mummy-wrapped doofus looking for a lawyer up there … did he smash his finger with that "defective" hammer? That's what I'm taking away from the ad, and it's bugging the shit out of me. Up next: "Coffee too hot? Call 800-SUE-THEM."

    • DaRooster

      Yep, guy really got carried away with that hammer… he should sue his parents for not giving him sense enough to stop hitting himself.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Well, the idea of 'knocking some sense into him' is obviously a non-starter.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Kill, baby, kill!

    • Nothingisamiss

      Unless itz babbiez.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Unless its in utero babbiez. Live babies, hungry babies, poor babies, gay babies, colored babies (anything darker than ecru) throw'em back, it's invisible hand raisin' gator bait time!

  • Mrspanky

    That's it! I'm applying with the Canadian Embassy for political asylum if any of these wingnut lunatics gets elected in 2012.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Marcus is just thinking of alligator shoes, alligator handbags, alligator belts, alligator wallets, alligator luggage.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Don't forget the alligator penis.

    • Radiotherapy®

      And the meat, tastes like chicken — albeit white meat chicken.

    • Nothingisamiss

      He'll need help carrying all that luggage. May I suggest rentboys.com?

    • Gator Linebackers, Gator Power Forwards…

      • FakaktaSouth

        Who would Tim Te-blow? (I actually don't have the football-hates on for him now that he's at Denver. I have NO IDEA why. His "my mama didn't abort me" commercial still sucks like the 2008 SECC…)

  • Bezoar

    When she talks about obtaining energy resources from the "eastern Gulf region", does she mean the Persian Gulf?

    • SayItWithWookies

      She's talking about getting it from the region of the economy inhabited by Gulf Oil and its kin, incorporated in the eastern state of Delaware.

  • LOL, her "experts" would be like the nice auto insurance company doctors who are hired to say that you're not hurt anymore/were never hurt, and even if you were, all of your treatment and injuries pre-existed your accident.

    • BerkeleyBear

      As opposed to the contingency fee attorneys and their speed dial chiropractors/doctors who say the plaintiff suffered "deep tissue trauma" that has significantly disabled them and will require treatment 3-5 times a week up and until all possible insurance limits are reached, despite them being seen riding all the biggest roller coasters a month after the accident.

      Aack – that whole system sucks.

  • mumbly_joe

    GUYS: she said RESPONSIBLY. So, there should be nothing to worry about.

    I mean, as long as there's nothing about the things she says, how she's campaigned, or just generally the level of dignity she's brought to the office of US Representative, that would lead us to question her personal definition of "responsible". But that's all crazy talk.

    • MinAgain

      To match her crazy eyes.

  • "…we need to go where the energy is,” she said. “Of course it needs to be done responsibly.."

    No fracking kidding, Michele. (Look it up.)

  • emmelemm

    Slightly off-topic, but I'm really fucking tired of these "Natural Gas is good, and the way of the future, and completely safe, oh, and we could end our dependence on foreign oil" commercials I keep seeing on TV.

    Huh. Because the natural gas industry would have no reason to lie to us, right?

    • Barb

      You're fracking correct!

    • Radiotherapy®

      That rhetoric justs explodes off the screen!

      • Doktor Zoom

        It's a gas, gas, gas!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      They could use an assist from Clean Coal.

  • Lessee. Destroy the wetlands that mitigate the flooding due to increased storm activity and sea level rise caused by global warming in order to produce the fossil fuels which cause global warming. Brilliant. Classic right wing logic.

    • the_problem_child

      You forgot 3. Profit!

    • MichelesPantalones

      Oh, did you see Harry Shearer's The Big Uneasy, too?

  • Negropolis

    So, long as she wades into the swamps, herself, diving for oil, I have no problem with it. I've seen Swamp People

    Experts, eh? How…elitist.

  • If it's not possible to pull all of Michele's teeth out with Vise-Grips and plug the sockets with spackle responsibly, we shouldn't do it. I will consult an expert at Home Depot to find out if we can do that in a responsible manner.

    • AJWjr.

      I'd settle for merely removing her tongue. If done with a hot scalpel, cauterization should reduce blood loss to a minimum so as not to stain the carpet in the exam room.

  • BerkeleyBear

    If she goes through experts like she goes through staffers, shouldn't take her more than 3 or 4 years to find one who actually thinks she's not batshit insane. I mean, when you are talking about reversing the environmental policy of Bush & Co. in favor of even more drilling, that's just nuts.

    I assume that Bush paid 120 million to get the rights back because the oil companies wanted nothing to do with it but wanted to be cashed out, rather than any real environmental interest, but still.

  • the_problem_child

    Ah yes, drilling without harming the environment. I think that's a fantasy on a par with her not gay marriage.

  • Doktor Zoom

    As Michele's fellow Godbot Bryan Fissure has noted several times in his obsessive fulminations against bears (the actual ursine kind, not the more cuddly Castro District sort), endangered species that have sharp teeth and big claws are not only NOT worth protecting, they must actually be eradicated if we want God to be happy. So yes, kill off the gators, and the Florida panthers while you're at it.

    • mumbly_joe

      I was confused, at first, because if bears are God's messengers of death and fury, then aren't they essentially angels, and wouldn't killing them be bad?

      But then I remembered who else these Christards think was sent by God, to corral the J00z into Israel. So, all bets are off, really.

      • Radiotherapy®

        Joe Lieberman?

      • not that Dewey

        Glenn Beck?

      • Sounds like a Borat joke. "My grandfather national hero. He Stalin's personal Jew Wrangler!"

  • Beowoof

    I am positive there are lots of Ocean front hotel owners who can't wait for the oil to be dumped in the glades. And the water supply for South Florida will be perfectly safe. After all who has demonstrated more care and concern for the environment than the humanitarians at Exxon/Mobil and Conoco Philips.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Especially since they're well aware that the beach won't be around much longer.

  • SayItWithWookies

    In Michele's mind it would be irresponsible if any of that oil was left in the ground when The LORD returned, which could be any day now. When He commanded Adam and the Beard to take stewardship of the land and everything thereupon, he didn't want us to leave the peas on the plate when dinner was over. So eat up, folks — get a Hummer if you have to, and drive it to the mailbox every morning. What if Jesus returns and we have to tell him we haven't hit peak oil yet? I'm not standing in front of the throne and saying I didn't do my part.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Realy, so much goodness in this comment.

  • Lucidamente1

    I'm sure Marcus just loves rasslin' gators.

    • Is "gator" gay slang for homos with psoriasis? In my dotage, I've been finding it difficult to keep up with these things.

      • Marcus would love to be at the bottom of a pile of Gators at the line of scrimmage.

    • DahBoner

      "Marcus just loves rasslin' gators"

      Is this gay robot slang???

  • mavenmaven

    She just lost the reptile vote.

    • flamingpdog

      Doesn't that pretty much equal the Tea Party?

      • AJWjr.

        Teabaggers is Lizard People?

    • DaRooster

      Not the snakes… and they have most of the monies…

    • DahBoner

      "She just lost the reptile vote."

      It's not possible for Jim Morrison to get high enough to vote for her….

  • Negropolis

    Kind of off topic, but Michele knows where oil comes from, right? I thought scientists just placed those things in the ground to fool the true believers?

    • flamingpdog

      Michele refuses to use baby oil because she thinks it comes from babies.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Drill goes in, oil comes out….you can't explain it!

    • Dinosaur droppings. The sons of Noah seeded the earth with them, after the flood.

    • AJWjr.

      Satan, scientists, same thing in her mind/world…

  • MichelesPantalones

    Oh, that Michele! She just wants to kill *anything* and *everything,* doesn't she? Marcus must leave her high and dry all the damn time, for her to work up such a, eh, er, head of rage.

    • DahBoner

      She needs to sit on that "Group W" bench over there with the father rapers….

  • flamingpdog

    "We do have EPA's in each of the 50 states and I think that it's up to the states," she said. "The states have the right to develop their own environmental protections and regulations, as they all have."

    Uh, Chely, the only EPA we have here in the square state is the Federal one. We have no state environmental protection act. None. And I thought you were just crazy, you ignorant bozo.

  • Callyson

    Bachmann, who wants to get rid of the federal Environmental Protection Agency, said she would rely on experts to determine whether drilling can be done without harming the environment.
    And by "experts," Shelly means "campaign contributors who just happen to be oil company executives"…

  • BarackMyWorld

    Environmental concerns aside, I'm wondering if in the scenario where the U.S. is extracting every natural resource out of the ground until exhaustion, the small government conservatives would require the resulting resources to be sold domestically? Or would they let the markets decide (i.e. allow private companies to complete deplete every resource and then sell it overseas to the highest bidder, with no benefit to the American people but to massive profit for the multinational corporations doing the extraction)?

    • HistoriCat

      You don't really have doubt about that do you?

      Profit uber alles!

  • Come here a minute

    Wet white people of upstate New York, Michele loves you, but because your state takes such good care of you, you will never see your federal tax dollars again. Sorry!

  • Y'all'll kill Pogo if you destroy the Everglades, you stupid woman! Geezus, when did the conversation switch away from solar and wind?

  • tcaalaw

    In the words of my grandfather, "I no go Pogo."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Former Florida Governor Clinton "Skink" Tyree is not amused.

  • baconzgood

    Drilling for oil in a swamp. NOPE! Baconz can't see how that could fuck anything up. Sounds EAZY!

  • Teh Michele is sooooooo behind the times. We needz to murder all the gators, but for green, green biodiesel not for oil wells, the silly.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Hmm. Where might all this irrational obsession about "drilling" originate?

  • Limeylizzie

    I bet Marcus would like to drill in Florida, as well, probably South Beach.

    • DahBoner

      South Beach sounds like a great place to drill if you're looking for douchebags…

  • NorthStarSpanx

    This is the best a 'learned' Palin can do? The Stupid still hurts, and wears bad shoes.

  • DaRooster

    “Of course it needs to be done responsibly. If we can’t responsibly access energy in the Everglades then we shouldn’t do it.”

    "But we do have that whole BP spill thing to compare it to… so if we spill slightly less oil than that it's OK."

  • AJWjr.

    I know of at least one person who is all wet, and I do not like her one bit.

    • DahBoner

      I like Wet White People!!!!

  • ttommyunger

    "Michele Bachmann Will Create Jobs By Murdering Alligators In The Everglades" Asked about this article, Bachmann replied: "I resents the alligation, AND the alligators!" (Apologies to the Kingfish). Google it, youngsters.

  • MinAgain

    It's not the alligators she has to worry about. It's the escaped pythons.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Remember, the BP disaster wasn't god's way of saying don't drill for oil in ecologically rich environments. That was about the gheys in New Orleans.

    Shorter: stop the buttsecks or the pelican gets it!

  • lochnessmonster

    Michele Bachmann — running for president of the United States of OIL!

    • DahBoner

      Operation Iraqi Libetration

      Been there, done that…

  • DahBoner

    "Whether that is in the Everglades, or whether that is in the eastern Gulf region, or whether that’s in North Dakota, we need to go where the energy is"

    That's funny, I heard there is plenty of energy on the surface of the sun.

    Why don't you go there????

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