flotus files

Michelle Obama Suddenly a Feminist, Hosts Abortion-Themed Luncheon

That's MRS. Flotus to you...Over the past few weeks it has become increasingly clear that Michelle Obama will be forever remembered as the “First Lady of Stealing Everybody’s Money to Go on Vacation, Constantly and Without Remorse.” This will not change, no matter how many reasons there are to support her claim that she went to Africa for “official business” or to “empower young people.” But our FLOTUS does not actually care about this, because while everyone else is screaming and crying at the image of Michelle Obama appearing on the screen at the local Applebee’s, Michelle Obama is having sneaky quinceañera-style abortion fiestas with all her best librul girlfriends.

Michelle Obama is about ready to set her fancy undergarments on fire and pick up an Eastern religion, because she is apparently a total feminist now, when it comes to raising money.

Feminist icon Gloria Steinem–the subject of a fascinating HBO documentary about her storied career–is teaming up with First Lady Michelle Obama and other key abortion rights activists to raise money for President Obama’s re-election drive.

The event, in New York on Sept. 20, offers a unique fund-raising and messaging opportunity for the Obama team.

Joining Steinem and Mrs. Obama will be Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards, and Stephanie Schriock, named president last year of EMILY’s List, which supports politically viable abortion rights backing female Democratic candidates. Democratic National Committee Chairman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who attends most major fund-raisers, will also be at the Park Ave. funder.

The Steinem et al funder has a sliding scale and an interesting marketing pitch, encouraging mothers and daughters, mentors and mentees to attend. Mrs. Obama runs a low-profile mentoring program for young girls from the White House.

Oh, so this is like some sort of modern take on the Ya-Ya Sisterhood or the Traveling Pants or whatever, where women get together and hug each other, and then there is also money:

The price is $500 for an individual; $1,000 for a Mother/Daughter or mentor or mentee; a table of ten is $5,000. An event vice chair–raise or give $10,000– gets a photo with Mrs. Obama and a lunch; an event chair–raise or give $35,800 gets a VIP pre-reception as well as the photo op and lunch. The contributions go to the DNC and the Obama 2012 re-election campaign.

Fetus jars will be on sale for $10, or three for $25, and whoever donates the most wins a lifetime supply of abortions. Palin girls, you will not find a deal like this anywhere else! [Chicago Sun-Times]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  1. nounverb911

    "Fetus jars will be on sale for $10, or three for $25,"
    Is Barbara Bush bringing little Jar Jar Bush for "Show and Tell"?

  2. Crank_Tango

    Well, if God really hates abortion, I fully expect him to send an earthquake wrapped in a hurricane, carrying a tornado, or GTFO.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      See, now, Gawd has blasted *all manner* of things — Jesii, churches, crazy individuals. But never once, in all of known history, has Gawd ever struck an abortion clinic, an ob/gyn (or "abortionist," as RWNJs term them), or even a hospital that provides abortions.

      It would seem, upon examining the evidence, that Gawd hates religious types. And statues.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Holy crap. I have learned more sci-fi on wonkette than I have politics. If I knew how to say that, it'd be my new hateful name for some of my co-bitches. Does Sting say this word on the movie? Cause I'll even go the British way…

  3. x111e7thst

    There should be some way to combine abortions and vacations – a kind of double the fun at half the price thing.

    1. vulpes82

      What do you think Buffy and Miffie did when they got knocked up by Jorge the gardener? Instant vacay to Rio, courtesy of Daddy!

    2. poncho_pilot

      "welcome to Planned Parenthood where other people's leisure is our pleasure."

      ugh. now i have to think about a future in which abortion is illegal in the U.S. and only the wealthy will be able to fly to foreign countries to have that procedure done. probably next year.

        1. poncho_pilot

          yeah, those libertarian/teabagger/republicans sure care about the economy and spending and would never try to create a theocracy or use the government as a way to attack their enemies. no way, man. no way.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      Wasn't that pretty much the plot of "The Cider House Rules"? Other than the initial walk of shame by the "wayward girls" to the home/hospital.

    4. DashboardBuddha

      Vabortions? Aborcations? Hell…get Royal Caribbean on the horn! This could be big…Abortion Cruises.

      1. genxr

        Abortion cruises. They leave a stream of dead fetuses in their wake and over time the ocean currents create what is known as the Pacific garbage patch kids.

        1. DashboardBuddha

          have you people give my people a call. Let's whip up a business plan and make this thing happen!

    5. MichelesPantalones

      That's what the galz used to do in the old days. Imagine living in Asia, where abortion on demand is pretty much safe, and mostly legal.

    6. finallyhappy

      When abortion was illegal here in the US(you all may be too young to remember but maybe it will be a reality in your future), my dad told me if I "got in trouble", he would take me somewhere safe to "take care of it". Not that my parents even talked about how one "got in trouble" or at the time, even said the word "pregnant" even for someone who was married(married- you are "p", unmarried – you are "in trouble")

    7. 102415

      Well, I remember when you had to fly to England. Then yay! you just had to fly to NY. Then whee! You just opened the phone book and let your fingers do the walking. Paultards are every where now pretending he is a nice reasonable person who will let the states decide. It makes me grind my teeth.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Because libertardian principles can vary from state to state.
        Other than that, though, these principles are truly absolute.

        1. 102415

          Absolutely. He is the only politician that says just what he means. Which is why they are going to vote for him no matter what dumb shit he is going to do.

  4. SexySmurf

    Also abortion, abortion, abortion and abortion. Not to mention abortion.

    There might be some cake as well, but mostly abortion.

  5. baconzgood

    Feminist fundraiser? Dude-Man, you can pick up more pussy at one of those than a Cranberries concert. It's PACKED with bitches!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You remind me of my buddy in grad school, who was thrilled when we stumbled into a bar filled 100% with women. Guy was from Kansas or some such place, and it took a while to convince him it wasn't quite the paradise he thought it was. (A couple of the ladies got into the conversation, and they got quite a chuckle out of it.)

  6. OkieDokieDog

    Those little fetus bones are so soft you can just chew them right up! Extra protein!

    Can't wait for the teabaggie/Beck/Limbaugh/Palin/Coulter (and assorted other nasty anti-woman anti-choice critters) spin on this.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      Fruit Chan, HK filmmaker, I think he specializes in horror films, does a great little collaboration with two other Asian horror directors (I know Takashi Miike is one, I forget the other). His story involves fetus soup. Yah.

  7. SexySmurf

    Mrs. Obama runs a low-profile mentoring program for young girls from the White House.

    Isn't that what got Bill Clinton in trouble.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Mrs. Obama runs a low-profile mentoring program for young girls from the White House.

    In otherwords, she runs an abortion clinic in the White House!!!

  9. SayItWithWookies

    You know, if abortion had been around 2,000 years ago, maybe we'd never have had Jesus. So — um — who do I make this check out to?

    1. SorosBot

      Au contraire, abortion was around and debated 2,000 years ago. You can blame St. Augustine for the condemnation of abortion as sin, and making it part of church doctrine; strangely Jesus never mentioned abortion even though it was a common procedure in his time which many of his followers today assure us he really, really hated.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Maybe I should've said "if abortion had been safe and legal," since most abortions were performed with herbal concoctions that could be deadly to the mother as well. But I didn't know St. Augustine railed against it — that old fornicating Manichean was wrong about so many things…

      2. genxr

        Susan B Anthony never mentioned abortion either, but that didn't stop a bunch of twits from saying she and Jesus forbid it..

    2. MichelesPantalones

      Since abortifacients have been known in the West since Hippocrates' time, or before, it's obvious (or should be) that abortion was a fairly common procedure long before Jesus ever came on the scene. Certainly, the procedure, either mechanical or chemical, was known to Chinese medicine as well as Ayurvedic medicine, and there is evidence that the nomadic and slash/burn-agriculture-practicing tribes of Southeast Asia used abortion to keep their family size small, since it is difficult to travel long distances with young children.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Mary didn't know this stuff, so she had to get married (instead of taking a "vacation" to Phrygia, like the rich girls did.)

        1. MichelesPantalones

          She wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier, was she? Any other girl would have said, "Oh, sure, you're the Holy Spirit. Let me just call my Dad and Mom."

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            I always thought the same about Joseph, who supposedly bought the Holy Ghost/"I'm still a virgin" story.

            I think he was poor because of all those bridges people kept selling him.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    "An event vice chair–raise or give $10,000– gets a photo with Mrs. Obama and a lunch; an event chair–raise or give $35,800 gets a VIP pre-reception as well as the photo op and lunch."
    That's a little high. I think I'll just pirate an internet photo of FLOTUS with someone standing next to her and photoshop my head in there.

  11. slithytoves

    Good thing they give a break down of those prices. I never would have figured out that at $500. each, a table of ten is $5,000. But why $35k, eight hundred? Does that $9.99 trick make the rich feel like they're getting a break?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Donation caps for individuals to the DNC. Don't ask me why that's the number, I got no clue.

  12. elviouslyqueer

    Enraged twat from Sarah Palin in 3…2…1…

    (and no, I'm not talking about Piper this time)

  13. Dudleydidwrong

    Hurrah for (two-L) Michelle, teaming up with Steinem, Richards, et al. She's got balls.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      It's about fucking time someone high up stood up for PP. If we got as righteous about protecting our legally protected rights the way the Right fight for prayer in school – they'd quiet down to a dull roar instead of shooting down doctors ushering worshipers to their seats at church.

  14. EatsBabyDingos

    Ham Buiscuits is probably conflicted on this, because he could, you know, get pregnant.

  15. Groupshrug

    If you go to an abortion fiesta; take my word for it, you don't want the the abortion burritos.

  16. Goonemeritus

    Would we need all these fancy reproductive rights if we were just allowed to fatten our children up the way God intended? If you’re to fat see your own penis what are the odds that it will get you in trouble?

    1. MichelesPantalones

      I don't know why, but the idea of eating placentae squicks me out a lot more than the idea of eating fetii.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Better stay away from those Animal Planet shows… Mother Nature rarely lets good protein go to waste.

        1. MichelesPantalones

          Oh, no, predators taking down prey doesn't bother me at all. I have no idea why the idea of placenta squicks me. It's not as if I haven't raised generations of kittens and watched the mother cats avidly devouring the rubbery pink bits. It just doesn't appeal, on some level. I mean, I have no problem with death, blood, carcases, and the like. It's just placenta.

  17. Poindexter718

    When registering for the luncheon, please be sure and indicate whether you would like the veal or the suckling pig.

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      Baluts, please. They are duck eggs that have been fertilized and left to incubate for 20 days, which is just a day or two before hatching. The little bones aren't too crunchy yet, but he beak will break a toof. Don't ask about the "feathers."

      1. MichelesPantalones

        OK, tell me about the "feathers." I've never had balut, although I've had some pretty funky food from all around the world.

        (No, not the Sicilian jumping cheese, either. Ew.)

        1. EatsBabyDingos

          "Feathers" are any of the cartiliginous parts you aren't sure what they are. So if you get a kinda chewy, crunchy boogery piece, it's a "feather." Might be an under developed foot, or skull bits, or actual feathers.

        2. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Casu Marzu …. we serve a lot of it down here. A special treat for fat dictators who starved their subjects. (Lookin' at you, Kim!)

  18. fuflans

    you go girl. give em something real to get their panties in a wad.

    and obese scooter bound diabetics with their panties in a wad is pretty funny.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      Sometimes, if you click "Close" on the popup that tells you to relog in, and then click the "Submit" button under your comment, the problem disappears. Some sort of random bug in the SW.

  19. Beowoof

    Rights, you want rights, don't you read the constitution, you've got no rights unless Jeebus says you have rights. And since they speak for Jeebus here on earth, you have no rights.
    So simple even a teabagger could understand it.

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      The WalMart in Morehead City used to sell ice for a $1 a ten pound bag or $2.75 for a twenty pound bag, which they routinely sold out of. Financial Darwinism is not pretty.

        1. EatsBabyDingos

          Standard big coolers need 20 pounds of ice to hold the case of Buds. They'd buy the 20 pounds of ice for $1.38 per ten pounds rather than pick up two bags, because "everyone" knows buying in bulk is cheaper. And they would run out of 20 pound bags first. Always.

          1. MichelesPantalones

            No, I got that part. I was simply a-MAZE-d that anybody could be THAT stupid. I mean, this is math. The answers don't change.

            I think I shall lie down now. My brain hurts.

          2. MichelesPantalones

            Booze doesn't impair your ability to do simple arithmetic.

            Or if it does, perhaps you should get out of the gene pool.

            Oh! I see what you did there.

  20. FakaktaSouth

    Oh I see a coming trend! Like weddings are now countered with divorce parties, we can have anti-baby shower abortion fests, where you get the girl liquor, pills and bikinis and have it in a hot tub – all kinds of stuff preggos can't have! Just imagine the fancy designs the Cake Boss could do! But, of course, then girls would start getting knocked up just for the party and attention, just like weddings…

    1. BerkeleyBear

      And all the raw soft cheese you can eat (which for most Americans is about one ounce before the digestive tract loses it, but still).

  21. DahBoner

    A sneaky quinceañera is a party to celebrate the fertility of a young woman who is no longer a virgin…

    1. MichelesPantalones

      Don't you think the water content would be too high on those things for a tasty chewy kipper? They're real good with minced pork and green onions, little Xiaohsing,little soy sauce and white pepper, lightly steamed on a cabbage leaf, or boiled in a typical Chinese chicken stock (no salt or turmeric, just a little ginger and sugar).

        1. MichelesPantalones

          I know, I made myself hungry too. The recipe works fine for veal or pork as well. Just wrap the resulting blobbage in wonton wrappers and steam or boil.

          Damn, I'm glad Dad taught me to cook!

  22. pinkocommi

    This story on abortions reminds me to ask, Have they perfected DNA testing for big amygdalas? Because there is no way I want to birth a baby that will grow up to be a Republican.

  23. chicken_thief

    For 10 grand I could give a shit about pix with the First Lady – I wanna fuck the b-jesus outta that quirky looking Wasserman-Schultz.

  24. gurukalehuru

    Mrs. Obama runs a low-profile mentoring program for young girls from the White House. Maybe they have a softball team? Maybe they could challenge the boys from Marcus Bachmann's clinic. Now, there's a fundraiser.

  25. Callyson

    According to the NY Daily News (which the Chicago Sun – Times credits with breaking this story):
    That evening, the First Couple host a dinner at Gotham Hill featuring a special performance by songstress Alicia Keys. Tickets are listed from $2,500 to $15,000.
    I didn't know Alicia Keys could perform abortions…

    1. MichelesPantalones

      Listen, if I could get preggers, I might have an instabortion just listening to her, uh!

      Although, really, I'd prefer not to, anaconda I have the idea it might be uncomfortable and what-all.

  26. Negropolis

    where women get together and hug each other, and then there is also money

    I've seen some of this, but it never involves politics…

  27. ttommyunger

    I understand the capstone of the event includes a marshmallow roast using wire coat hangars to hold the little buggers over the flames.

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