horror stories

World Glad John McCain Was Not Elected Because of This Weird Tweet

“Math” suggests John McCain does not believe he would have lived through his first presidential term if he had won! Hahahaha, Jesus, Sarah Palin was almost your President. THAT WAS SO CLOSE, never forget. [Twitter]

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    "I would have taken better care of myself!"
    And not crashed so many planes?

    • Redhead

      And not gone on an alcoholic binge for a decade or so after crashing said planes?

    • Crank_Tango

      too soon!

      • AJWjr.

        I'm of the opinion that it was actually too few. One more might've done it.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Hell, crashing three of those babies didn't kill the old bastard, neither did his time as a PoW, even if he did sing like a canary. Besides, he's been drawing full disability pay from the Navy ever since that happened, even though his annual income tops $400K and his wife's runs between $6 mil and $10 mil.

      • Beowoof

        Those planes only cost about $20,000,000 each, and then he is triple dipping and yet you poor old folks better shut the hell up and eat your cat food.

        • Rotundo_

          Don't be talking about a genuine North Vietnamese Air Force Ace like that pardner! Walnuts took out as many perfectly good aircraft as any half dozen pilots or missile bases around Hanoi, and the Vietnamese folks are in his debt.

        • MichelesPantalones

          It royally pisses me off that so many vets get the runaround from the VA on disability, and yet that pathetic shit was drawing full pay for decades. If he hadn't been hotdogging on that last run, he wouldn't have been shot down in the first place. Fucking idiot grandstanding self-aggrandizing prick.

    • tcaalaw

      Five-and-a-half years, Alan!

  • Guppy06

    She'd have quit by now.

    President Boehner.

    • Callyson

      And there goes my lunch…

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Ahh, but before she quit, she'd go with a "bang" having turned the Red Button into body bling (necklace or belt-buckle?) giving us H8r's the Ultimate Middle Finger.

        • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

          President Boehner. Check.
          But who would be VP? That's the only possible way that the Belgian-born MeeShill could've gotten to the White House.
          Uh, that is, Boehner selects Bachmann as VP, then Bachmann requests God to bump off Boehner, via toxic orange facial creme, etc. Crazy shit, huh?

  • justkillmenow

    He unleashed that snowstorm of idiocy on us and can still make jokes. I have no snark for this man.

    • Redhead

      Well, have a little pity. After seeing him in person in the last primaries I have no doubt he is senile/early stages of Alzheimers. I'm sure he didn't realize what he was just doing – he was just doing what his handlers told him to, as always.

      • MichelesPantalones

        Hard to have pity for someone who treated so many of the MIA/POW community with such wanton disrespect. He can eat out my ass.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It's okay — we all know there would've been little difference between an Obama presidency and a Palin presidency.

    • Radiotherapy┬«

      Though I do think that Todd who have made an excellent first lady.

      • not that Dewey

        1. Watermelon patch on the White House lawn replaced with a dogsled track.
        2. Annual Easter Egg roll contestants roll Whooping Crane eggs.
        3. Every 4th of July — Wolfburgers!

    • chicken_thief

      Except for the unwed daughters squirting out kids like a robotic pitcher in a batting cage.

      • GhostBuggy

        Jesus. Upfist for you.

      • SorosBot

        Don't forget the daughters-in-law squirting doing the same two months after the wedding.

      • MichelesPantalones

        They're doing just like Momma. Poppin' em like a salad shooter.

  • DoktorThompson

    "I don't want to go on the cart."
    "Oh, don't be such a baby."

    • Boehneriffic

      FTW!

    • Troubledog

      "I think I'll go for a walk!"

    • ttommyunger

      "But I'm feeling better, really!"

  • AntonovBureau

    Has no PAC put up some sort of "birthday wishes" we can war blog on? However, I am entirely bored of Walnuts now..it's amazing to think that he's probably better than the entire roster of current GOP presidential contenders.

    • GhostBuggy

      That's a good question, isn't it? What would you rather have, if someone forced you at gunpoint: McCain with Palin waiting in the wings, or a Santorum-Perry-Mittens in the WH? (A: Take the bullet).

      • MichelesPantalones

        Yes.

  • freakishlywrong

    The fundamentals of the idiocracy are sound.

  • SorosBot

    And yet, despite how comically old he is, John McCain probably won't think twice about just retiring instead of running for reelection next time his term is up.

    • Rotundo_

      Yeah, he'll be another Strom Thurmond, so addled no one could really understand what the hell he said for the last 10 years of his life. Just long vowel movements: "Dag skattlenatchees dun gunana vaggle snick, hee hee hee!". I wonder if his staff had a Strom-English English-Strom dictionary so they could decode him, or if they just nodded at him and did what they thought he would want if he was his usual evil self.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh begone, you feckless, warty asshole. And take your stupid twat with you.

    • baconzgood

      "I fart in your general direction…."

    • LettucePrey

      And take your stupid twat with you.

      Could you narrow this down, plz?

      • V572 T-Blow

        We'll keep Meghan around here, dontcha think?

        • MichelesPantalones

          For teh boobies.

    • Rotundo_

      An almost Shakesperian quality admonishment! Well done! Substitute thou and thy and thee and you'd almost swear it was a line from a swordfight plucked from the bard as it were…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    President Palin … argh. NATO planes would have bombed the White House, as an urgent matter of global good taste.

  • metamarcisf

    Mickey Mantle said that first. And he was worth a shit.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Actually, it was Satchel Paige, I believe. White folks stealing from black folks again. See: Pressley, Elvis.

      • Limeylizzie

        Also, Boone, Pat.

        • V572 T-Blow

          So many artists ripped off Pat's finest work, it's true.

          • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

            Ozzy totally stole "Crazy Train" from Pat. I have proof.

      • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

        Rockin' Robin. Great song. In which Elvis pays tribute to the black musicians who showed him the way.
        Pretty little raven by the birdband stand/taught him how to do the bop and it was grand/started goin' steady and bless my soul/he outbopped the buzzard and the oriole

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Much like a case of Herpes, Juan McCain will not go away.

  • DaRooster

    In other words-
    "I should be dead by now."

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      And we would be under the first Hobbit Presidency!

    • MichelesPantalones

      And he would be if I ever get elected god.

    • ttommyunger

      Sounds good to me, go for it, Walnuts.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    John who?

  • baconzgood

    What the fuck does that mean? Is he trying to be George Burns? If so Senator, I watched Oh God with George Burns, I knew George Burns' jokes, George Burns was a funny guy. Senator, you're no George Burns.

    • DaRooster

      Can cause Heart Burns though…

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      He's tried this stand-up comedy before when they let him out of his nap-cave.

      I blame whichever handler helped him finally learn how to peck out his thoughts on the personal intertubez devices.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      George/Gracie 2012

  • widestanceshakedown

    Palin would have slit his throat with her voice before his first SOTU speech so he was probably the 2nd happiest man in the world when Obama won.

    Still, for bringing her upon us, may he rot in death as he has in life.

  • SexySmurf

    The Senate needs an age limit.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Hand in your cell phone, Pop Pop.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    We all wish McWalnutz would've taken better care of the billions of dollars worth of military equipment he destroyed, also.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Thx @bday wishes. Where is marvelous ape of death?!

    • MichelesPantalones

      He deserves that marvelous ape. Think I'll go tweet that at him. (Engages vicious-bitch mode)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, Jitterbug makes a blackberry now, I take it.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      If RIM takes that as their primary market, they may survive!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Happy Birthday, Walnuts! From War Hero, to Maverick Senator, to Bedpan Dining. I would hate to be your scrotum.

  • fuflans

    if we had known you would live this long, we might have elected you.

  • not that Dewey

    TWO AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Generation A

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Dick Cheney?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It must not be as big of birthday for Mr. McCain if there is not a president giving him a cake while ignoring the destruction of an Ameircan City. Why doesn't our current president have his priorities straight?

    (Answer: Because he is black).

    • MichelesPantalones

      Wouldn't that have been perfect, though? For President Obama to ignore the flooding in VT to fly to McCain's one-of-ten-houses with birthday cake?

  • Redhead

    This man really, really disturbs me, to the point that I find it hard to be snarky about him.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Just close your eyes and imagine taking short, sharp, shock — er, kicks, aimed at his scrotum.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    One more reason you know that there is no god:

    John Lennon, still dead. John McCain, still alive.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Damn, Flagass, you sure know how to hurt a body.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Build the dang pall!

  • Gorillionaire

    Will they have ice cream and cake on the next Meet The Press?

  • Sue4466

    Wonder if with Irene and all, he's nostalgic for that Katrina birthday cake with Bush? Good times when the GOP held the White House.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    So the options would have been Pres. Lieberman or Pres. Palin? Thank you, Justice Scalia.

  • Crank_Tango

    This is good news for McCain.

  • glamourdammerung

    This just shows Obama is morally weak.

  • V572 T-Blow

    Today we are all old farts thinking we invented something we forgot we heard someone else say 20 years ago.

    [had to get the third Wonkette meme in a row in there]

    • SayItWithWookies

      Oh, now I get it — he was being Reaganesque.

    • Troubledog

      You know who else can't remember shit and repeats a lot of stuff they heard 20 years ago?

      • OKthennext

        Um, me?

      • OKthennext

        Er, me?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Thx @bday wishes. I wear chains I forged in life, but not dead yet!!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Thx @bday wishes. Teh Trollop's desultry rubtugs @bday/Xmas only pleasures left

  • sati_demise

    Wonder which John McCain will be the one to die? The Maverick or McNasty

    • 102415

      The War Hero, sadly.

  • Negropolis

    That's some reallydark humor, right there.

  • Troubledog

    Hi Johnny, bought you a Cheney Home CPR kit. Now you only have to find someone willing to use it to animate your corpse and you can be on the board at KBR.

    And I'm gonna keep this chunky blonde girl I found passed out on your lawn. I hear she can write books.

  • DustBowlBlues

    A bad paraphrase of Mickey Mantle, referring to the money players made today and his length of playing time.

    Favorite Mantle joke: Mantle said that when he got to heaven, St. Peter would tell him that he'd shown up at the wrong place, then add, "but before you go to hell, could you sign this couple a' dozen baseballs for me?

  • ttommyunger

    So die, already. You're just an embarrassment to your Country and a bothersome pimple on your rich wife's bony ass. Does the word "irrelevant" mean anything to you?