HORROR STORIES  2:47 pm August 29, 2011

World Glad John McCain Was Not Elected Because of This Weird Tweet

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

“Math” suggests John McCain does not believe he would have lived through his first presidential term if he had won! Hahahaha, Jesus, Sarah Palin was almost your President. THAT WAS SO CLOSE, never forget. [Twitter]

 
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{ 94 comments }

nounverb911 August 29, 2011 at 2:48 pm

"I would have taken better care of myself!"
And not crashed so many planes?

Redhead August 29, 2011 at 3:39 pm

And not gone on an alcoholic binge for a decade or so after crashing said planes?

Crank_Tango August 29, 2011 at 5:35 pm

too soon!

AJWjr. August 30, 2011 at 10:55 am

I'm of the opinion that it was actually too few. One more might've done it.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Hell, crashing three of those babies didn't kill the old bastard, neither did his time as a PoW, even if he did sing like a canary. Besides, he's been drawing full disability pay from the Navy ever since that happened, even though his annual income tops $400K and his wife's runs between $6 mil and $10 mil.

Beowoof August 29, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Those planes only cost about $20,000,000 each, and then he is triple dipping and yet you poor old folks better shut the hell up and eat your cat food.

Rotundo_ August 29, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Don't be talking about a genuine North Vietnamese Air Force Ace like that pardner! Walnuts took out as many perfectly good aircraft as any half dozen pilots or missile bases around Hanoi, and the Vietnamese folks are in his debt.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:50 pm

It royally pisses me off that so many vets get the runaround from the VA on disability, and yet that pathetic shit was drawing full pay for decades. If he hadn't been hotdogging on that last run, he wouldn't have been shot down in the first place. Fucking idiot grandstanding self-aggrandizing prick.

tcaalaw August 30, 2011 at 8:03 am

Five-and-a-half years, Alan!

Guppy06 August 29, 2011 at 2:51 pm

She'd have quit by now.

President Boehner.

Callyson August 29, 2011 at 6:51 pm

And there goes my lunch…

NorthStarSpanx August 30, 2011 at 10:31 am

Ahh, but before she quit, she'd go with a "bang" having turned the Red Button into body bling (necklace or belt-buckle?) giving us H8r's the Ultimate Middle Finger.

Porter Melmoth August 30, 2011 at 3:15 pm

President Boehner. Check.
But who would be VP? That's the only possible way that the Belgian-born MeeShill could've gotten to the White House.
Uh, that is, Boehner selects Bachmann as VP, then Bachmann requests God to bump off Boehner, via toxic orange facial creme, etc. Crazy shit, huh?

justkillmenow August 29, 2011 at 2:53 pm

He unleashed that snowstorm of idiocy on us and can still make jokes. I have no snark for this man.

Redhead August 29, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Well, have a little pity. After seeing him in person in the last primaries I have no doubt he is senile/early stages of Alzheimers. I'm sure he didn't realize what he was just doing – he was just doing what his handlers told him to, as always.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Hard to have pity for someone who treated so many of the MIA/POW community with such wanton disrespect. He can eat out my ass.

SayItWithWookies August 29, 2011 at 2:53 pm

It's okay — we all know there would've been little difference between an Obama presidency and a Palin presidency.

Radiotherapy® August 29, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Though I do think that Todd who have made an excellent first lady.

not that Dewey August 29, 2011 at 3:45 pm

1. Watermelon patch on the White House lawn replaced with a dogsled track.
2. Annual Easter Egg roll contestants roll Whooping Crane eggs.
3. Every 4th of July — Wolfburgers!

chicken_thief August 29, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Except for the unwed daughters squirting out kids like a robotic pitcher in a batting cage.

GhostBuggy August 29, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Jesus. Upfist for you.

SorosBot August 29, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Don't forget the daughters-in-law squirting doing the same two months after the wedding.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:03 pm

They're doing just like Momma. Poppin' em like a salad shooter.

DoktorThompson August 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm

"I don't want to go on the cart."
"Oh, don't be such a baby."

Boehneriffic August 29, 2011 at 3:32 pm

FTW!

Troubledog August 30, 2011 at 8:45 am

"I think I'll go for a walk!"

ttommyunger August 30, 2011 at 11:39 am

"But I'm feeling better, really!"

AntonovBureau August 29, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Has no PAC put up some sort of "birthday wishes" we can war blog on? However, I am entirely bored of Walnuts now..it's amazing to think that he's probably better than the entire roster of current GOP presidential contenders.

GhostBuggy August 29, 2011 at 4:09 pm

That's a good question, isn't it? What would you rather have, if someone forced you at gunpoint: McCain with Palin waiting in the wings, or a Santorum-Perry-Mittens in the WH? (A: Take the bullet).

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Yes.

freakishlywrong August 29, 2011 at 3:02 pm

The fundamentals of the idiocracy are sound.

SorosBot August 29, 2011 at 3:03 pm

And yet, despite how comically old he is, John McCain probably won't think twice about just retiring instead of running for reelection next time his term is up.

Rotundo_ August 29, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Yeah, he'll be another Strom Thurmond, so addled no one could really understand what the hell he said for the last 10 years of his life. Just long vowel movements: "Dag skattlenatchees dun gunana vaggle snick, hee hee hee!". I wonder if his staff had a Strom-English English-Strom dictionary so they could decode him, or if they just nodded at him and did what they thought he would want if he was his usual evil self.

elviouslyqueer August 29, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Oh begone, you feckless, warty asshole. And take your stupid twat with you.

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 3:24 pm

"I fart in your general direction…."

LettucePrey August 29, 2011 at 3:53 pm

And take your stupid twat with you.

Could you narrow this down, plz?

V572 T-Blow August 29, 2011 at 4:29 pm

We'll keep Meghan around here, dontcha think?

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:06 pm

For teh boobies.

Rotundo_ August 29, 2011 at 7:11 pm

An almost Shakesperian quality admonishment! Well done! Substitute thou and thy and thee and you'd almost swear it was a line from a swordfight plucked from the bard as it were…

Biel_ze_Bubba August 29, 2011 at 3:08 pm

President Palin … argh. NATO planes would have bombed the White House, as an urgent matter of global good taste.

metamarcisf August 29, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Mickey Mantle said that first. And he was worth a shit.

Rosie_Scenario August 29, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Actually, it was Satchel Paige, I believe. White folks stealing from black folks again. See: Pressley, Elvis.

Limeylizzie August 29, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Also, Boone, Pat.

V572 T-Blow August 29, 2011 at 4:29 pm

So many artists ripped off Pat's finest work, it's true.

Fred_Wertham_Jr August 29, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Ozzy totally stole "Crazy Train" from Pat. I have proof.

gurukalehuru August 29, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Rockin' Robin. Great song. In which Elvis pays tribute to the black musicians who showed him the way.
Pretty little raven by the birdband stand/taught him how to do the bop and it was grand/started goin' steady and bless my soul/he outbopped the buzzard and the oriole

ManchuCandidate August 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Much like a case of Herpes, Juan McCain will not go away.

DaRooster August 29, 2011 at 3:10 pm

In other words-
"I should be dead by now."

BTWBFDIMHO August 29, 2011 at 5:42 pm

And we would be under the first Hobbit Presidency!

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm

And he would be if I ever get elected god.

ttommyunger August 30, 2011 at 11:40 am

Sounds good to me, go for it, Walnuts.

EatsBabyDingos August 29, 2011 at 3:14 pm

John who?

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 3:14 pm

What the fuck does that mean? Is he trying to be George Burns? If so Senator, I watched Oh God with George Burns, I knew George Burns' jokes, George Burns was a funny guy. Senator, you're no George Burns.

DaRooster August 29, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Can cause Heart Burns though…

Mumbletypeg August 29, 2011 at 3:31 pm

He's tried this stand-up comedy before when they let him out of his nap-cave.

I blame whichever handler helped him finally learn how to peck out his thoughts on the personal intertubez devices.

ShaveTheWhales August 30, 2011 at 9:27 pm

George/Gracie 2012

widestanceshakedown August 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Palin would have slit his throat with her voice before his first SOTU speech so he was probably the 2nd happiest man in the world when Obama won.

Still, for bringing her upon us, may he rot in death as he has in life.

SexySmurf August 29, 2011 at 3:28 pm

The Senate needs an age limit.

elburritodeluxe August 29, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Hand in your cell phone, Pop Pop.

Chillwaver August 29, 2011 at 3:34 pm

We all wish McWalnutz would've taken better care of the billions of dollars worth of military equipment he destroyed, also.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Thx @bday wishes. Where is marvelous ape of death?!

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:09 pm

He deserves that marvelous ape. Think I'll go tweet that at him. (Engages vicious-bitch mode)

BaldarTFlagass August 29, 2011 at 3:37 pm

So, Jitterbug makes a blackberry now, I take it.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 6:31 pm

If RIM takes that as their primary market, they may survive!

EatsBabyDingos August 29, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Happy Birthday, Walnuts! From War Hero, to Maverick Senator, to Bedpan Dining. I would hate to be your scrotum.

fuflans August 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm

if we had known you would live this long, we might have elected you.

not that Dewey August 29, 2011 at 3:46 pm

TWO AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN!

DerrickWildcat August 29, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Generation A

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 29, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Dick Cheney?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 29, 2011 at 3:54 pm

It must not be as big of birthday for Mr. McCain if there is not a president giving him a cake while ignoring the destruction of an Ameircan City. Why doesn't our current president have his priorities straight?

(Answer: Because he is black).

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Wouldn't that have been perfect, though? For President Obama to ignore the flooding in VT to fly to McCain's one-of-ten-houses with birthday cake?

Redhead August 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm

This man really, really disturbs me, to the point that I find it hard to be snarky about him.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Just close your eyes and imagine taking short, sharp, shock — er, kicks, aimed at his scrotum.

BaldarTFlagass August 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm

One more reason you know that there is no god:

John Lennon, still dead. John McCain, still alive.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Damn, Flagass, you sure know how to hurt a body.

Thurman Munster IV August 29, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Build the dang pall!

Gorillionaire August 29, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Will they have ice cream and cake on the next Meet The Press?

Sue4466 August 29, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Wonder if with Irene and all, he's nostalgic for that Katrina birthday cake with Bush? Good times when the GOP held the White House.

BTWBFDIMHO August 29, 2011 at 4:27 pm

So the options would have been Pres. Lieberman or Pres. Palin? Thank you, Justice Scalia.

Crank_Tango August 29, 2011 at 5:38 pm

This is good news for McCain.

glamourdammerung August 29, 2011 at 5:44 pm

This just shows Obama is morally weak.

V572 T-Blow August 29, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Today we are all old farts thinking we invented something we forgot we heard someone else say 20 years ago.

[had to get the third Wonkette meme in a row in there]

SayItWithWookies August 30, 2011 at 12:09 am

Oh, now I get it — he was being Reaganesque.

Troubledog August 30, 2011 at 8:47 am

You know who else can't remember shit and repeats a lot of stuff they heard 20 years ago?

OKthennext August 30, 2011 at 10:17 am

Um, me?

OKthennext August 30, 2011 at 10:17 am

Er, me?

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Thx @bday wishes. I wear chains I forged in life, but not dead yet!!

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Thx @bday wishes. Teh Trollop's desultry rubtugs @bday/Xmas only pleasures left

sati_demise August 29, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Wonder which John McCain will be the one to die? The Maverick or McNasty

102415 August 29, 2011 at 10:14 pm

The War Hero, sadly.

Negropolis August 30, 2011 at 1:45 am

That's some reallydark humor, right there.

Troubledog August 30, 2011 at 8:49 am

Hi Johnny, bought you a Cheney Home CPR kit. Now you only have to find someone willing to use it to animate your corpse and you can be on the board at KBR.

And I'm gonna keep this chunky blonde girl I found passed out on your lawn. I hear she can write books.

DustBowlBlues August 30, 2011 at 10:18 am

A bad paraphrase of Mickey Mantle, referring to the money players made today and his length of playing time.

Favorite Mantle joke: Mantle said that when he got to heaven, St. Peter would tell him that he'd shown up at the wrong place, then add, "but before you go to hell, could you sign this couple a' dozen baseballs for me?

ttommyunger August 30, 2011 at 11:43 am

So die, already. You're just an embarrassment to your Country and a bothersome pimple on your rich wife's bony ass. Does the word "irrelevant" mean anything to you?

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