SECRET BIBLE CODES  9:41 am August 29, 2011

Michele Bachmann: Hurricane Is Order From God To Lower Spending

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

god speaking to michele through a llama.Erratic pill gobbler Michele Bachmann is so in touch with her God that she can figure out, like, super fast how to read God’s messages in everyday things: three red lights in a row means, “only two Diet Cokes before lunch;” getting exactly $4.56 in change at the Wal-Mart means “time to clear out Marcus’s Internet browsing history without checking it;” and finding an empty milk carton in the fridge that someone forgot to throw out means, “hair gets worn down next full moon.” Fairly straightforward! That is pill-head child’s play. But look, she can read large natural disaster events, too: “I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’” Hm. We’re trying? Hurricanes and earthquakes are tough to parse. Did we hear something about obesity and screaming and lower deficits in there?

Michele Bachmann did: “Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we’ve got to rein in the spending.”

Oh, who is this woman. Either up her dose or we want to see her go cold turkey. [St. Petersburg Times]

 
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{ 247 comments }

PuckStopsHere August 29, 2011 at 9:43 am

I'd listen to her. The woman is a walking natural disaster.

DaRooster August 29, 2011 at 10:44 am

Sent by God no doubt…

GOPCrusher August 29, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I don't know. I'm just not sure I would be comfortable giving the launch codes to the nuclear arsenal to a woman who claims to listen to voices in their head. Call me old-fashioned.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 29, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Giving the launch codes to any loon who's looking forward to the End Days is pretty much a suicidal move. Perhaps we could lock up the Xtard voters, for their own protection, on election day.

mog253 August 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm

FEMA!!!

freakishlywrong August 29, 2011 at 9:44 am

Jesus H. tittyfucking Christ. These wingnuts. The fact that this woman is a candidate for POTUS screams volumes about our idiocracy.

BaldarTFlagass August 29, 2011 at 9:45 am

Joke's on you, Michele! God only exists in people's minds.

OzoneTom August 29, 2011 at 10:33 am

It's funny how it seems that god always tells people what they want to hear.

genxr August 29, 2011 at 11:44 am

The God that exists in my mind needs another drink.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Go ahead, upend the whole fucking barrel, I am.

It's hard to get drunk enough to forget about this woman. And I thought my exes were nuts.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 11:49 am

Carl Jung approves this message.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Carl Jung would strangle the bitch with her own tongue.

donner_froh August 29, 2011 at 9:45 am

I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians.

Nothing–Pols won't stop talking about the fucker.

ManchuCandidate August 29, 2011 at 9:46 am

Why does god give a shit about money?

V572 T-Blow August 29, 2011 at 9:54 am

He's hoping to get a loan from Gates or Buffett.

iburl August 29, 2011 at 10:06 am

He gets Goldman Sachs bribes, like everyone else in power.

bagofmice August 29, 2011 at 10:10 am

Well there was the release of the song "Head like a hole" by NIN.

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 10:20 am

Obviously you've never been Catholic.

donner_froh August 29, 2011 at 10:40 am

Every damned church in the world has a crummy roof–they are always collecting moola for a new roof.

user-of-owls August 29, 2011 at 10:59 am

It's kind of what he got stuck with when people decided human sacrifice was gauche.

zhubajie August 29, 2011 at 10:49 pm

He doesn't; "The cattle on a thousand hills is mine" Ps. 50:10

Chillwaver August 29, 2011 at 9:46 am

Ergo, God created Katrina cause he hates black people…

SpurningBeer August 29, 2011 at 10:03 am

That you, Kanye?

Chillwaver August 29, 2011 at 10:04 am

You're welcome, Dubya?

GOPCrusher August 29, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Black people=looters
White people=salvagers

Terry August 29, 2011 at 9:47 am

Michelle, hon, you've misinterpreted the message. God is actually mad that the GOP has so many morons running for president who think they know what God wants.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Then I wish God would fucking hurry up and fry the fuckers to a cinder where they stand. Some god. What an ineffectual, sissywussy wimp.

freakishlywrong August 29, 2011 at 9:48 am

I wonder what Shelly thinks Gawd is "saying" to Rick Perry?

ifthethunderdontgetya August 29, 2011 at 9:50 am

There can be only one!
~

ManchuCandidate August 29, 2011 at 9:52 am

"No Homo."

SpurningBeer August 29, 2011 at 10:02 am

"Ecce homo."

nedbeaumontjr August 29, 2011 at 10:46 am

Since it's One-L we're talking about, "Icky homo."

Radiotherapy® August 29, 2011 at 10:02 am

After the drought I will send pestilence for the Saddam and Gomorroh (Austin).

hollywooddood August 29, 2011 at 10:12 am

"Shut the fuck up"?

bagofmice August 29, 2011 at 10:14 am

Bow down before the one you serve.

BTWBFDIMHO August 29, 2011 at 11:01 am

Homo NonSapiens.

elviouslyqueer August 29, 2011 at 11:19 am

Come out, come out, wherever you are?

Nothingisamiss August 29, 2011 at 11:50 am

How much would hyou pay to have some actual "journalist" ask that question in a debate, with him on stage next to her? Sooo much.

GOPCrusher August 29, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Isn't it obvious that God has turned his/her back on Texas?

ThundercatHo August 29, 2011 at 9:49 am

No, no, you dipshit. God (as usual) is mad about the gays. Ask your "husband", he can tell you all about it. Or Rick Perry.

Texan_Bulldog August 29, 2011 at 9:49 am

I hate these people who conveniently forget what W did for 8 years in office. I guess since W let her ram her tongue down his throat, his spending was just dandy.

And if there was a god, he'd have made that llama spit in her face.

JustPixelz August 29, 2011 at 11:07 am

Behold the miracle of Dubya's fiscal policies. He took a surplus and transformed it into wine a ginormous deficit. He made war and made another war with money from the future! Behold! He lowered taxes and created jobs in the eyes of the faithful. Truly, a miracle!!

GOPCrusher August 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Spending money to kill brown people=Good
Spending money to help Americans=Socialism

slithytoves August 29, 2011 at 9:49 am

So the government is on a diet. Is that what you want? Or no? Have another corndog, Michelle.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 29, 2011 at 9:50 am

So does the ongoing drought in Texass mean God wants us to elect Rick Perry, One L?
~

genxr August 29, 2011 at 9:50 am

Ol' Crazy Eyes runs for President, God brings the earthquakes and floods. Seems like a pretty straightforward message to me.

hollywooddood August 29, 2011 at 9:50 am

This must be why Tea Party superstar Chris "Too Big To Fail" Christie is begging for federal cash as we speak.

Shouldn't he be thinking about our grandchildren?

EatsBabyDingos August 29, 2011 at 10:16 am

Why? Is he hungry?

Ducksworthy August 29, 2011 at 10:20 am

Nicely played.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Give him a plate or two of those leftover fetii.

bureaucrap August 29, 2011 at 9:50 am

Natural disasters are God's punishments for the existence of FEMA (even ones that happen in other countries). When God strikes you down, he wants you to stay down!

arihaya August 29, 2011 at 9:52 am

let's start then with cutting subsidies to Marcus' clinic and her family farm

DemonicRage August 29, 2011 at 9:52 am

She is so in tune with what the divine power is trying to tell us. After her 8 years as President, can we put her in a cave and charge money for her to be our Delphic Oracle? (Somewhere in Orlando.)

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 10:50 am

Beat me to it!

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Shit, put her in the cave right now and cement up the entrance, and I'll pay you good money.

SorosBot August 29, 2011 at 9:54 am

If god wanted to send a message about the federal deficit, one would think he could be a little less oblique about it, being all-powerful and all (just like one would think he could prove his existence pretty easily).

bagofmice August 29, 2011 at 10:26 am

"You musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling."

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 10:53 am

That's #1 on the list of The Intelligent High Schooler's Questions Puncturing The Myth Of Christianity: Why doesn't God just show up?

SorosBot August 29, 2011 at 11:16 am

From what I recall from what the nuns taught me, according to the Catholic dogma he would rather have us have blind faith in him. Considering that god condemns all non-Christians (and, according to the Church, all non-Catholic Christians) to an eternity in hell, that's a real dick move on his part; and according to the Bible he did speak directly to some people back in the ancient days, so why it was OK way back then but no longer is is fairly unclear.

Or, to quote musical theater:
Every time I look at you I don't understand
Why you let the things you did get so out of hand.
You'd have managed better if you'd had it planned.
Why'd you choose such a backward time in such a strange land?
If you'd come today you could have reached a whole nation.
Israel in 4 BC had no mass communication.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 11:36 am

Questions #2 and #3!

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 11:40 am

Question #4: If Decent White Christians discover a tribe in the Amazon that nobody knew existed before, are all of the members of that tribe who died before the ghastly strangers preached unto them condemned to hell?

(The lame-ass answer I got for that one is that, for those who do not have the word preached at them, God reveals himself through nature. Somehow the people who proffer that explanation don't see how it kind of undermines their entire Christian enterprise.)

mumbly_joe August 29, 2011 at 11:57 am

I dunno, it's perfectly satisfying and somewhat less lame-assed if your particular denomination takes universalist approach to the whole thing, but then again, we're talking about wingnut-xianity, not Quakers and Unitarians who tend, by definition, to be more sane and accepting and less prone to interpret meteorlogical and geologic phenomena as god's judgement for not adhering to their own personal political agendas.

But, no, the notion that God decides some people need to be tortured, forever, for believing the wrong things or not believing in fairy tales or actually believing the fairy tales but still doing the wrong things with their genitals is pretty much completely inconsistent with the conception of said God as omnibenevolent.

GOPCrusher August 29, 2011 at 12:56 pm

According to the Divine Comedy, wasn't Virgil spared the tortures of eternity because, even though he wasn't Xtian, he lived his life by Xtian Ideals?

An_Outhouse August 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I think just likes fucking with us. Don't take it so seriously.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:05 pm

It's a choice: Either he's the biggest fucking pussy in the world, or he doesn't exist.

deanbooth August 29, 2011 at 9:54 am

Oh, Lord, give me a (misspelled) sign!

bagofmice August 29, 2011 at 10:17 am

Unto you, I give thee a "Muslin". Okay, just half of one, but that still counts, right?

Swampgas_Man August 29, 2011 at 10:27 am

YIIELD!

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 10:55 am

MORAN CROSSING

donner_froh August 29, 2011 at 9:55 am

Ron Paul wants to go back to 1900. She wants to go way back to when people tried to propitiate the gods that controlled the weather by human sacrifice. They knew what the earthquakes and hurricanes meant.

hollywooddood August 29, 2011 at 10:11 am

Too bad Michelle isn't a virgin.

Oh, wait. Maybe she is.

donner_froh August 29, 2011 at 10:37 am

Marcus probably is…at least as far as Michele is concerned.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:10 pm

After five popped-out-of-her-veejayjay kiddies, she'd better NOT be a virgin.

SpurningBeer August 29, 2011 at 9:55 am

The American people are roaring right now? Those are stomach-rumbles from the morbid obesity diet.

V572 T-Blow August 29, 2011 at 9:56 am

Yahweh speaks to me all the time, so I don't know what all the fuss is about. Here's what He tells me: "Kill that woman. Do it now. You'll get your reward in 'Heaven,' heh heh."

JustPixelz August 29, 2011 at 11:16 am

I hear the same voice. But I demand proof from this so-called God. So I reply, "if you want me to do as you command, make her say something idiotic. Also make her husband light up my gaydar. And your final test, O mighty one, get me laid tonight." So far she's dodged the bullet, but someday … someday….

sunmusing August 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I keep getting text messages saying the same thing, I can't tell if it is God, or the Perry campaign.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Would you ask him if he goes by "Biely," by any chance?

MildMidwesterner August 29, 2011 at 9:57 am

To me, "Irene" is just the name of a one-legged Japanese woman.

DashboardBuddha August 29, 2011 at 9:58 am

Yeah…she's married Matt…that fella with no arms or legs.

nonbeliever7 August 29, 2011 at 10:12 am

Matt's been going by his middle name "Bob" after this weekend…

proudgrampa August 29, 2011 at 10:20 am

"Mrs. Smith, can Matt come out to play?"
"Now Johnny, you know that Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."
"That's OK, we just need him for second base."

I know. I'm sorry.

DashboardBuddha August 29, 2011 at 10:29 am

"Mrs. Smith, can Matt come out to play?"
"Now Johnny, you know that Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."
"We know…but the pavement is really hot and we want to watch him flop around"

Native_of_SL_UT August 29, 2011 at 12:07 pm

"Mrs. Smith, can Bob come out to play?"
"Now Johnny, you know that Bob doesn't have any arms or legs."
"That's OK, we were just going swimming."

lefty74 August 29, 2011 at 9:57 am

How did John Wayne Gasey miss Marcus?

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Every day I wake and curse John Wayne Gacy for that.

smashaduck August 29, 2011 at 9:58 am

Acid just isn't a good idea when you don't have any friends to drug sit for you.

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 10:26 am

Does it count if they're on acid too?

genxr August 29, 2011 at 11:59 am

Of course. You ever try to drug sit someone while NOT on acid? It's boring!

sunmusing August 29, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Then try to explain to the local cop what all the fuss was about…….whilst his face was melting, and the sky was turning all sorts of colors, and the walls were breathing.

smashaduck August 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm

'sall I'm sayin.

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Serously no snark. A friend of mine and I were once pulled over on acid and I had to wait for him at the police station while they took him to the magistrate (they found an 1/8 on him) while they gave him a fine for disorderly conduct. It's one of my most awsomest cocktail party anecdotes

donner_froh August 29, 2011 at 9:58 am

GWB spent money like a drunken sailor, destroyed entire countries, killed millions of innocent people and hated the poor. He had accepted Jesus as his personal savior.

I will take a pass on the whole god and politics thing for a while, thanks.

smitallica August 29, 2011 at 10:46 am

Technically, he spent money like a drunken bluebood draft-dodging AWOL Air National Guardsman, but let's not split hairs.

ttommyunger August 29, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I've been drunk a lot. I've been drunk with sailors a few times. We always spent our own fucking money, thank you.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I know G.W. Bush set the bar really low, but you're still a gentleman and a prince. As were your drunken sailor friends. Just for not spending TaxpayerBux on your drunken debaucheries.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 29, 2011 at 9:58 am

I know there is no god but Michele is tempting me to believe there is a Satan.

Ramon X August 29, 2011 at 11:03 am

Wait. No god but Michele?

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Biel_ze_Bubba's right around here, somewhere.

SpurningBeer August 29, 2011 at 9:59 am

Michele's ability to channel the mind of Almighty Jah is as accurate as her ability to know what The American People think and want.

Serolf_Divad August 29, 2011 at 10:00 am

”I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’”

If God wanted to send us a message maybe he'd do it with an earthquake that was more powerful than my last bowel movement followed by a hurricane that caused more damage than the last time I sneezed.

Or maybe he'd forego weather events alltogether, seeing as how they are completely natural phenomena and other than a primitive lost Amazonian tribe, only a complete fucking moron or credulous superstitious imbecile (or both) would interpret them as "a message from God."

Oblios_Cap August 29, 2011 at 11:14 am

I can't believe that the Snowpocalypse this winter wasn't one the signs Gawd wanted us to heed.

angryhaiku August 29, 2011 at 10:01 am

The Oracle of Delphi saw the future from breathing hallucinogenic volcanic gasses, too.

Solution: Throw Michele into a volcano, see what she can tell us from there.

Edit: Whoops, Demonic Rage beat me to it. Except for the part about throwing Crazy Eyes in a volcano, that was all me.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 10:57 am

Et tu, angryhaiku? Sigh…

4TheTurnstiles August 29, 2011 at 10:01 am

Strange: the Circle Seven Koran (God's only authoritative message to mankind and the future) tells me this crazy white broad is crazy. Who do you believe?

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 11:01 am

Thanks for sending me to Wikipedia for an excursion into Strange Chicago. 37 year of bafflement at "Moorish Science Temple" signs finally cleared up!

Mumbletypeg August 29, 2011 at 10:02 am

"Morbid Obesity Diet"

She had to nab that one (no pun intended) because "compassionate conservative" had been overly borrowed-and-spent in the Hall of Oxy Morons

Mumbletypeg August 29, 2011 at 10:13 am

OT: IntenseDebate is not letting me edit. Anyone else having this problem? For now I'll blame Irene.

JoshuaNorton August 29, 2011 at 10:04 am

One really wonders if the entirety of Bachmann's American “expertise” is confined to the length of time Obama has been in office.

Mainly because they all thought this shit was A-OK when Chimpy was steering the car off the cliff.

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 10:06 am

”I don’t know how much BP has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had 2 oil spills in the Gulf. They said, ‘Are you going to start regulating us here?’”

(FIXED)

fartknocker August 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

And Rick Perry said that the Mancanto incident could be an "…Act of God." And then Joe Barton apologized to BP for the President's harsh words.

smashaduck August 29, 2011 at 10:10 am

For I the Lord will send down hurricanes upon them for to slay the poor and dark skinned and hippies in Vermont. And I will send earthquakes upon them but not earthquakes strong enough to cause drink spillage for I the Lord doth loathe a party foul. But I the Lord will cause these tribulations so that the people may know I do not support Keynesian economics. For I the Lord liketh tax breaks for the rich. The poor can go fuck themselves. And I will use my servant Michele who doth never shut up to tell all the people why I the Lord am fucking their shit up. -Ezekiel something:something.

occams8ball August 29, 2011 at 10:59 am

Can I repost your comment on my facebook page as my own original work?

smashaduck August 29, 2011 at 11:31 am

Well of course, I thought that was the whole point of the wonkettes. If we all started asking permission, there'd be 400 comments per article.

GOPCrusher August 29, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I read that in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson and found it hilarious.

mog253 August 29, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Jesus wept. Always my favorite verse.

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 10:11 am

Maybe God gave those to us because He sees cutting our social safety net as somthing He doesn't like? Huh Chissel Face Shelly?

metamarcisf August 29, 2011 at 10:13 am

I've got two words for you, Bachmann: Cargo Pants!

freakishlywrong August 29, 2011 at 10:15 am

Gawd also told her that the minimum wage was unkonstitushional and jawb-killing. Gawd hates the poors.

SorosBot August 29, 2011 at 10:27 am

And Jesus said, "Damned are the poor, for their lives do sucketh, and seriously, just fucketh them."

bagofmice August 29, 2011 at 10:51 am

Jesus Christ, hasn't God learned how to use text messaging?

SorosBot August 29, 2011 at 11:10 am

Imagine if the Bible were translated to text speak; "Blssd R teh meak, 4 dey shll inheritt de Erth."

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:28 pm

It's already available in LOLspeak, for goodness' sake. How much more effort could it take?

NorthStarSpanx August 29, 2011 at 10:17 am

I'm roaring, screaming my throat raw that she get off the fucking POTUS trail and public life altogether. And take that other walking disaster Sarah Palin with you too, also.

OneDollarJuana August 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

EGOCENTRISM: Limited in outlook or concern to one's own activities or needs.

M-W Online

EatsBabyDingos August 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

A silly earthquake and a minor hurricane= "I am Woman hear me roar!"

Japan gets a real earthquake=too many gay anime Sailor Moons?

not that Dewey August 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

John Maynard Keynes and Sir Francis Beaufort are weeping in their graves.

bagofmice August 29, 2011 at 10:58 am

At least it'll raise the water table.

jodyleek August 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

And yet, she doesn't understand the message that the big guy is trying to send HER, with all the migraines and whatnot. Hide yourself in a dark, quiet room Shelly and STFU!

V572 T-Blow August 29, 2011 at 10:20 am

Today, we are all near-illiterate Minnesota theocrats in artfully-troweled-on makeup, pantyhose and strappy sandals, imagining ourselves as a vessel of God's messages.

HedonismBot August 29, 2011 at 10:36 am

Her makeup is like a work of art. Like a Picasso, to be more specific.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:30 pm

I wish it were more like Jackson Pollock.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 11:06 am

How many shows do you do nightly? Is there a drink minimum?

JustPixelz August 29, 2011 at 11:11 am

Did I leave my webcam on again?

mog253 August 29, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Vessel……….hmmmm.

JoshuaNorton August 29, 2011 at 10:20 am

Bachmann apologists start claiming "she was only joking" in 5…4…3…2..

not that Dewey August 29, 2011 at 10:22 am
JoshuaNorton August 29, 2011 at 10:26 am

Tooooo funny!!!

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 11:12 am

When the crazy eyes are kind of half-closed like that, she might be sort of attractive as the last woman on earth.

not that Dewey August 29, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Does "last woman on earth" imply that there is no more porn? Can I at least retain my pre-apocalypse memories of attractive women?

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Yes, imagine whoever you like when the two of you play "Ramming My Tongue Down Prince W's Throat To Dislodge The Pretzel And Save The Kingdom."

sunmusing August 29, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Close yer eyes and imagine the "corn dawg" photo. Still works for me.

a_pink_poodle August 29, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Yes of COUUURSE she was joking! (Pft)

user-of-owls August 29, 2011 at 11:02 am

George Bush pretzel apologists start claiming "he was only choking" in 5…4…3…2..

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:31 pm

I see ntDewey beat me to it. Hell, it didn't take but five minutes for that to hit the headlines.

EatsBabyDingos August 29, 2011 at 10:21 am

Canada should erect a big sign at the Minnesota border that says "I AM NOT with Stupid" with a giant arrow pointing south.

HedonismBot August 29, 2011 at 10:22 am

Actually, recent polls have shown that, if the American people are "roaring" about anything (and they're not, on account of the bovine docility), they are roaring about jobs. And, by a pretty darn clear majority, they favor upping taxes on the rich. Also, too.
But that can't be why God keeps bopping us on the head with quakes and hurricanes. Everyone knows God's messages always coincide with Republican talking points. And polls that fail to reinforce those talking points are a muslin conspiracy. Also, additionally.

Nothingisamiss August 29, 2011 at 11:55 am

Really, among many items, "also, additionally." for the win.

Weenus299 August 29, 2011 at 10:24 am

I know Pat Robertson, I've listened to Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is an enemy of mine. Michele Bachman, you're no Pat Robertson.

smashaduck August 29, 2011 at 10:24 am

BTW: Happy Katrina day everyone. Let's just remove the R and the N and name this next storm Katia. Excellent.

EatsBabyDingos August 29, 2011 at 10:25 am

I met God this afternoon
Riding on a Uptown train
And I said "Don't you have better things to do?"
And He said "If I did my job what would you complain about
So I let it go to hell, does that sound familiar to you?"

That's my dog's eye view.

proudgrampa August 29, 2011 at 10:27 am

Well, I don't think the Flying Spaghetti Monster would cause earthquakes and hurricanes. I do wish he would wrap his Noodly Appendage around Michele's neck…

Goonemeritus August 29, 2011 at 10:28 am

Has anyone else here noticed that every Republican front runner in this race has had one thing and one thing only in common? From Donald Trump to Herman Cain to Michele Bachman and now Rick Perry they are invariably the candidate that the least is known about at the time. The amazing thing is that it takes about two weeks for the penny to drop and then the primary voters are off looking for their next forlorn hope. I can only surmise that the average Republican wants a social conservative that will not judge their bazaar sexual proclivities and a fiscal conservative that will increase spending on every program that benefits them while cutting everything else.

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 10:28 am

Ohhhhhhh! These people drive me crazy. Really, like God is omnipresent or somthing. Sheesh, get a life!

not that Dewey August 29, 2011 at 10:29 am

He's God. He knows everything. He's omnivorous.

-Homer Simpson

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 10:34 am

At my college, the radio station had a promo that said: "Hi, this is God. When I'm in Pittsburgh which is always because I'm omnipotent, I listen to every radio station at once….Including WRCT."

HedonismBot August 29, 2011 at 10:42 am

My old university in Missoula, MT had the exact same promo, but with different call letters. Apparently God, who can be everywhere and do everything at once, still can only record the radio promo equivalent of a form letter.

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 10:45 am

He's a busy man.

bagofmice August 29, 2011 at 11:06 am

If we have omnipotence, could I just ask that He modulate the radio waves and send me a text message?

Gorillionaire August 29, 2011 at 10:37 am

I figure at this point Crazy Eyes is never going to get the nomination, but damn I kinda hoped she would. I looked forward to serious conservatives coming up with all sorts of bullshit to defend her and telling us with straight faces that she has good ideas for the country. It was just three years ago that dumbasses were telling me that Sarah Palin "has more executive experience than Obama" and hysterically funny shit like that!

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Yes, remember that? And if you want a whiff of that crazy stank, you can always schlep over to C4P, where they continue to spout shit like that. Damn, there are some crazy-assed motherfuckas running around in this country.

SorosBot August 29, 2011 at 10:38 am

Is anyone else having trouble with IntenseDebate? I keep getting logged out for no reason, and the comments don't appear normal in several ways, like the Reply button now reads "Reply/span>"

Indiepalin August 29, 2011 at 10:39 am

Work good the up keep

JoshuaNorton August 29, 2011 at 10:44 am

According to the Creationist's Computer Help Desk, God did it.

freakishlywrong August 29, 2011 at 10:53 am

Yep. I thought God was being punishing me for something.

SorosBot August 29, 2011 at 11:07 am

Well everything seems to be working OK now; we'll see.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Just ignore it. There's a problem with display, looks like someone's HTML/XML got messed up. When you see the blue popup that tells you to log in, just click the Submit Comment button again, or close the popup, and then click the Submit Comment button.

zhubajie August 29, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Yes, me too. Maybe they are based in NYC?

Indiepalin August 29, 2011 at 10:38 am

Headline of the day (Washington Post):

"Michele Bachmann Says She Will Consider Getting Drilled in the Everglades"

HedonismBot August 29, 2011 at 10:54 am

It's Florida. There is so much crazy there, who would even notice?

Limeylizzie August 29, 2011 at 10:41 am

Oh she was joking. Dozy cunt.
http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/08/bachma

Fred_Wertham_Jr August 29, 2011 at 10:49 am

Cool. A new Britishism to impress my friends.

elviouslyqueer August 29, 2011 at 11:04 am

Oh, I much prefer this briefly little truthy nugget uttered by one of her brainless followers, to wit:

Plenty of people in the crowd said they were interested to learn more about Perry, but Bradenton retiree Philip Staples said he's already sold on Bachmann. "She's one of the common people,'' he said.

Common, indeed. Dead common.

GunToting[Redacted] August 29, 2011 at 11:22 am

This is one of the conservative memes that drives me insane. They seem to believe that someone "just like them" is best suited to run the largest economy in the world. This from people who cannot balance their checking account.

Limeylizzie August 29, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Common as muck.

zhubajie August 29, 2011 at 10:56 pm

Glad to know you're safe!

Limeylizzie August 30, 2011 at 7:04 am

Thanks!

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 10:46 am

Like the Floaty Half-Naked Lady in "300", Michele is the Pill Oracle of the Republican Party. She emerges from the ongoing pharmaceutical vision quest in her Iowa trailer for only 5 minutes every 36 hours, to speak in riddles such as these.

BlueStateLibel August 29, 2011 at 10:47 am

Ironically, God's hurricane left Godless New York City relatively unscathed, but large areas of New Jersey, mainly the suburbs that tend to go Repub, are being massively flooded and evacuated.

sunmusing August 29, 2011 at 2:15 pm

God mistook NJ's Christie as a beached whale, and tried to help.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Well, now. I wonder where Gawd got the idea that those places needed a hosedown?

BTWBFDIMHO August 29, 2011 at 10:50 am

If there were a God, there'd be no Michele Bachmann.

DaRooster August 29, 2011 at 10:52 am

"We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane."
AN earthquake and A hurricane? I am pretty sure these were not the first ones of these ever… but what do I know compared to a genius like you MicheLe?

Guppy06 August 29, 2011 at 10:54 am

God wants her to stop cashing all those government checks.

user-of-owls August 29, 2011 at 10:54 am

I'd kinda like to see her go cold llama instead.

Ohforcripessake August 29, 2011 at 10:55 am

Michele, God is telling YOU to STFU so do us all a favor and STFU!!1!

friendlyskies August 29, 2011 at 10:58 am

Um…I thought gay marriage caused hurricanes. Doesn't that mean God's telling you to divorce Marcus?

KenLayIsAlive August 29, 2011 at 11:03 am

Is there no cure for this massive case of political Herpes?

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:39 pm

This isn't herpes, it's rank syphilis! It's drippy gonorrhea! It's JUNGLE CROTCH ROT with flaming red balls!

Guppy06 August 29, 2011 at 11:08 am

"And when they had prayed, the place was shaken where they were assembled together;"

God shakes places of worship when he's happy with them, too, 'Chele.

glamourdammerung August 29, 2011 at 11:08 am

I hope that like Rush Limbaugh, everything that comes out of this woman's mouth is from being drug-addled and the resulting brain damage. Because the thought someone could be that stupid naturally is just depressing.

JustPixelz August 29, 2011 at 11:10 am

She's right! When Dubya brought Jesus and Christianity to the Oval Office, nothing bad happened to America. Nothing bad at all.

elviouslyqueer August 29, 2011 at 11:10 am

"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?'

Dear Michele:

I've also been trying to tell you that your husband is a power-bottoming, pole-smoking cock gobbler. I mean, really, who do you think gave him his lisping falsetto and runway-worthy mincing that would make Elton John look like a beer-swilling bubba? Seriously, darling, don't make me come down there and smite you with a Mydamn clue.

No love,

G*d

Guppy06 August 29, 2011 at 11:12 am

"Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church."

God doesn't talk to Michele because Michele doesn't have a penis (except when she straps one on).

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 11:23 am

I wish these silly fundie bitches would learn how to interpret that passage correctly. I don't think it means God would rather that they say every goddamned stupid thing that comes into their minds in the public square, even if their husbands give them permission. Gnawing the ears off unbelievers will not drive them to the altar.

BTWBFDIMHO August 29, 2011 at 11:13 am

Actually, for people like her, who believes that "God is Everywhere", then her statement makes sense. God is in every drop of rain, in every silly hurricane .
Then, her campaign is bullshitting by saying that "she spoke in jest".
Michele doesn't jest, but Marcus ingests.

Redhead August 29, 2011 at 11:19 am

You can't blame the woman for being scared of hurricanes and earthquakes. It's not like her husband has ever done anything (to her, at least) to make her feel the earth shakin', if you know what I mean…

bagofmice August 29, 2011 at 11:22 am

T

SayItWithWookies August 29, 2011 at 11:25 am

I'm not an expert on this alleged deity that communicates with Michele through hurricanes, but I've read a good deal about it, and of all the things that The LORD is supposed to have said through prophets, natural disasters, burning bushes etc. etc., I have never — never — come across an instance of God saying "listen to the people."

If anything, the people, by ignoring God, behaving generally abonimably, and slaughtering the wrong kind of animal on the wrong day or whatever, constantly annoy and infuriate said deity. Now Michele thinks God wants us to listen to the masses who, if her belief is to be believed, were once almost entirely wiped out by this vengeful fuck? Go back to reading the entrails of birds, Michele — you can work your dumbass way up to hurricanes in a few decades if you study hard.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 11:30 am

Oh Wooks, do not seek the thread of reason in her babblings. You will throw a brain hernia.

SayItWithWookies August 29, 2011 at 11:45 am

Don't worry 'bout me — if the acid, shrooms and that other thing I never got the name of couldn't fuck up my brain, this Wal-Mart Cassandra ain't gonna touch it.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 11:47 am

As evidenced by "Wal-Mart Cassandra." Nice!

x111e7thst August 29, 2011 at 11:28 am

When you have representative democracy in a nation of Vicodin addled, Hoveround riding, morbidly obese, diabetic idiots you get Michele. No big surprise there.

Steverino247 August 29, 2011 at 11:34 am

Her campaign insists this was a joke.

Sorry, but that's bullshit. People like Bachmann do NOT joke about God in any way. Anything that even resembles a joke is actually a verbalization of an unconscious wish, at best.

If it was a joke, let's hear One L explain it. NOW.

Ramon X August 29, 2011 at 11:40 am

It's a beautiful day here in New England – sunny, clear and warm and no sound of ringing bells or warning shots. So clearly God is trying to make up. Well, I forgive. But seriously. What if ol' meth eyes is right? She listens to the voices in her head out of conservative compassion for us all. Thank you blessed crazy lady.

HelmutNewton August 29, 2011 at 11:43 am

Sometimes I wish there WAS a God, just so he would smite people like Bachmann in a spectacularly public fashion. Like being struck by lightning or smacked by a hand out of the sky. That would shut the teabaggers up for once…

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:44 pm

No. For MishMash BatShitKrayZMann, nothing less than a fall from the upper floor of any kind of house of prayer and subsequent impalement (right through her goddamned mouth, please) on a wrought-iron fence facing a very busy street.

El Pinche August 29, 2011 at 11:53 am

That's OK, Michelle . We know it's the sumatriptan, and the rizatriptan pills ,….oh and the zolmitriptan, almotriptan, and the eletriptan pills …oh yeah and the naratriptan, and frovatriptan pills talking.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:44 pm

You've been in her house, haven't you?

El Pinche August 29, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Yeah, but the trick is getting past the wall of children.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Does she stack them like a cord of wood, or what?

El Pinche August 30, 2011 at 10:30 am

LOL. Actually, I was going to say something to that effect. But I know they suffer in their stables and box crates.

Slim_Pickins August 29, 2011 at 12:10 pm

If that's the message shouldn't he have sent a message that was little less costly to cleanup after?

An_Outhouse August 29, 2011 at 12:18 pm

How does she know that it wasn't Satan sending the message? Maybe that isn't God in her head, but the evil dude. How would she know?

zhubajie August 29, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Probably it is. S. is the one offering people money and power, all the kingdoms of the world.

An_Outhouse August 29, 2011 at 12:19 pm

I think God secretly loves NYC.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm

He slips in and out on the weekends. If you got money, NYC is a great place to party, and who's got more money than God?

sunmusing August 29, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Steve Jobs?

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:29 pm

George Soros. I hear that all the time from tightie-righties. "George Soros has more money than GOD!" It must be true, man.

ttommyunger August 29, 2011 at 12:21 pm

You know what really chaps my ass? Intelligent people across the Globe are probably reading this tripe from Bachmann, Perrey et. al., knowing this Country has the capacity to destroy every major city on the Planet at will, and quietly quaking in their boots. Why can't America do better than these fucking loons? It makes me crazy.

sunmusing August 29, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Is that a bad thing? Maybe some second thoughts about trying to attack us? Nah.

ttommyunger August 29, 2011 at 11:48 pm

I'd settle for mild reservations.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Me too, fella. It's not as if we have a terrible shortage of intelligent people. It's that we're outnumbered a thousand-to-one, by these marching morons.

zhubajie August 29, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Such people often write into The Guardian's blogs! making them almost as much fun as Wonkette!

ttommyunger August 29, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I cringe, as an American, just imagining the pranging we get.

Groupshrug August 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I think with the hurricane, God was telling us that if we haven't gone to see Rise of The Planet of the Apes, we really should because it's a great movie, James Franco really nailed it.

imissopus August 29, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Here's a llama, there's a llama, llama llama duck.

Troglodeity August 29, 2011 at 12:45 pm

If only we'd defaulted on our debts, 26 lives could have been saved.

owhatever August 29, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Thank you, President Bachmann, for another clear and science-based explanation of natural shit.

Troglodeity August 29, 2011 at 1:01 pm

And the Texas drought is God's retribution for Rick Perry.

Soylent Green August 29, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I never get tired of saying this: Hey crazy lady! Quit makin' shit up!

Soylent Green August 29, 2011 at 1:15 pm

That's odd, Michelle. God told me you were full of shit.

Soylent Green August 29, 2011 at 1:20 pm

…its been done, hasn't it…

lulzmonger August 29, 2011 at 1:50 pm

***** Bachmann 2012 = More HERP Than Reagan, More DERP Than Bush *****

JackObin August 29, 2011 at 5:04 pm

My Dearest Michelle: Coupla things;

1 Get a decent manicure. You look like a Jersey Girl.
2) There are no gods. It is a man-made ceation perpetuated to keep the poor from killing the rich.
3) You are the dumbest twat I have ever heard of.

MinAgain August 29, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I have heard God's message, and it goes something like this…"Nature will kick your scrawny ass."

Guess it's a good thing we have FEMA, after all.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Here's the scariest part. I actually think Sarah Palin is smarter than this addled twat.

__kth__ August 29, 2011 at 9:50 pm

God is actually saying, "that rain you needed, Texas? I pissed it all up and down the east coast, because fuck you!"

zhubajie August 29, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Maybe G-d is having fun with the lying spirit again (I Kings 22:22), i.e., telling arrogant dick-heads what they want to hear, and then laughing (Ps 2:4) when they don't like the results.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I had my Intelligent High Schooler Questions formed by exposure to Baptist Fundie Evangelicals of the Moody Bible Institute variety, with somewhat better music in the black congregations, so I know naught of the buckle-shoe and Birkenstock denominations.

Chet Kincaid August 29, 2011 at 1:35 pm

King James doesn't know from "Virgil".

SorosBot August 29, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Not quite; the "virtuous pagans" like Virgil, along with the unbaptized babies, lived in limbo, the first circle of hell, which didn't carry the tortures of the lower circles but was still a part of hell & didn't enjoy the pleasures of paradise.

smashaduck August 29, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Oh.My.God. That's fantastic. My kid brother took a hit back in HS right before my mom asked him to run to the store to pick something up. He thought he could make it back in time. Four hours later a friend of mine who was a cashier there called me to come get him. He was laying shirtless on the lettuce stack under the mist machine talking to a pineapple when I found him. Would only leave if I let him take it with us. Talked to it all the way home and for another couple hours. At least they called me b4 the cops got there.
Took shrooms once. Hid in the bathroom with my dog for a couple hours convinced my girlfriend and her cat were in cahoots to kill me. My dog has a british accent.
Drug sitters are good plan.

baconzgood August 29, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I kept my cool. Even with all the red&blue flashing lights of 15 police cars and the cop's faces melting. At the time it sucked (taking our pot and all) but now it makes a great story. Especially because I've the gift for gab and can tell it really well. I've been told I should write a bunch of stories about my teen years but I'm not too sure about the statute of limitations laws in this county.

smashaduck August 29, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Do it. It can always be "based on a true story".

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Overpowering.

MichelesPantalones August 29, 2011 at 7:09 pm

How anyone can believe in a God who would punish babies for being born when HE decided they would, is beyond me. Most people, if they actually had to inflict physical pain and death on a fellow human, would be revolted. It's why so many of our troops come back from war with severe mental health issues. To posit that an intelligence that stood in loco parentis to us could do something so incomprehensibly cruel to its own creation?

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