satan takes care of his own

Irene Tragically Spares U.S. Capitol, White House, Pentagon & Wall Street (VIDEO)

'Looks poor down there.'While regular people are suffering through power outages, severe flooding, wind damage and a shutdown of public transportation along the whole Eastern Seaboard, reports on Sunday indicate that the The Devil spared his main temples on Earth, from His graven image of a golden bull outside His banks on Wall Street to the unholy trinity of the Capitol, Pentagon and White House in Washington. At least Home Depot and Lowe’s and WalMart made a lot of money price gouging poor people on crappy 50-cent flashlights! But let’s come together as a nation now (?) and enjoy this Children’s Treasury of YouTube Home Video from Irene Attacking Washington, D.C.

The videographer likely did not survive this tempest.

Authorities are still seeking a missing pool skimmer. (It’s under that bush on the right. No, over there, under the bush. Jesus …. )

And here’s a local teevee reporter standing there smiling while he is sprayed and covered with toxic sewage sea foam. Watch as the anchors back in the studio tell him to eat it, for laffs. Never forget!

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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189 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "Irene Tragically Spares U.S. Capitol, White House, Pentagon & Wall Street"
    Disappointing!

    1. MichelesPantalones

      I have the horrible feeling that G.Dumbya, Dick Cheney, Michael Brown, and their ilk, are weeping their eyes out at the lack of devastation.

        1. MichelesPantalones

          Personally, if there were a god, I'm sure it would have declared them all persona non grata.

  2. SoBeach

    At least this is a rare event for you city slickers.

    Be happy you don't have to watch teevee weather pixies quivering with excitement while trying to sound all foreboding every other week in the summer like we do down here in America's Dangly Appendage.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Indianapolis is the single most weather obsessed metropolitan area. Doesn't get tornadoes that often, never sees hurricanes. Yet because it is flat and in the middle of the country the weather is alterable, which apparently is catnip for the weather reporting industry. The NBC station in town ? WTHR. I even knew the wife of a weatherman who actually left Miami for Indy because the stations pay more attention to weather.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          I gaurantee you at least one of the stations ran a piece on weather prep for the SB last winter.

      1. Negropolis

        Michigan is one of the least disaster-prone areas of the country (NOAA ranks both Michigan and Wisconsin as having the least number and least costly "weather disasters" between the years of 1980 and 2004), and it's the same way. We get a tornado watch and the local coverage drags on for hours.

    2. Swampgas_Man

      I was more than satisfied watching Stupid People Without the Sense to Come In From The Rain, from TV Reporters who presumably lost a coin toss, to Stickball Playing Morons in NYC.

    1. Rotundo_

      Don't forget that coliform bacteria and other little living stuff and Poop! Fresh from the Big Apples Arse! He might want to consider a round of Hep B inocculations after that little frolic in the foam.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      WTF is wrong with these 'weatherman' assholes anyway? the douchebag stands there the entire time while his moron colleagues are happily commenting on the *stuff* that's coating his douchebag self, saying dumbass things like "does it smells like da ocean er whut?" one MORE reason I don't watch teevee at all, cuz it all looks/ smells like *ocean* crap to me

      1. MichelesPantalones

        OK, so they were actually telling him to eat that stuff. And it turns out that it was raw sewage, which is why it didn't smell so good.

        1. HogeyeGrex

          Aaaaaaand, telling everyone on the other side of the camera to eat shit is different from any other day for the newspuppets how, exactly?

  3. user-of-owls

    Now we know what Christie's nefarious intent was when he ordered people in Jersey to, "get the hell off the beach."

    His plan was to eat it and blame Irene.

    Oops, Chris! No Mean Irene and yet the beach got eated anyway!

  4. ttommyunger

    That faint hissing sound is the deflating boners of Weather Men all across America as their hopes and prayers for mayhem and destruction slowly slip away.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      You'd think they'd realize that no one pays attention to them because of who they are, or how beautiful they are, or how adroitly they point at nothing on the green screen behind them.

      1. ttommyunger

        Pat Robberson is going to be flummoxed by this considering that no act of sexual perversion has ever been recorded as taking place within the borders of the State of Vermont.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    I think God thought that the Tea Baggers have wreaked enough havoc/mayhem, so he decided to cut DC some slack.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      Also, Congress was not in session and Hopey was safe in the Cheney Room of the White House bunker

  6. Barb

    Why does the story mention Macys? "Honey, I am afraid this storm will prevent us from having an exquisite tarragon, rose-petal and saffron demiglace, with pecan-crusted hearts-of-palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce for our Vienna sausage from a can." I'll warm up the Volvo.

    1. Rotundo_

      Are the Vienna sausages at least *from Vienna*? It would be tragic if the help snuck in some L'il Oscars or something, too pedestrian for contemplation. If you're forced to consume domestics don't bother with the mint-fennel, just grab a stick of wrigley's and bite off a chunk of black licorice, save the good stuff for the good stuff.

  7. donner_froh

    The first two videos prove beyond doubt that it rained in Washington D.C. yesterday. Seems like as good a reason as any to shut down the subways in NYC.

  8. the_problem_child

    I hate to be the one to tell that weather guy, but that frothy mix most likely contains untreated sewage and petroleum runoff from the city's roads. In other words, Santorum.

    1. glamourdammerung

      And clumps of fire ants if the area has them, snakes, and other things most folks do not want to frolic in.

    2. flamingpdog

      I suppose the FEC is going to look into this unusually strong network coverage of the Santorum campaign.

    1. Rotundo_

      Besides which most (not all) of those who suffered in Katrina only counted as 3/5 of a person so that diminished the perception of suffering in government circles at the time. Though if you were in the right place at the right time, there was cake and guitar playing presidents to serenade you. You can damn sure bet that Hopey won't be strumming a six string during all of this. Where the hell is his compassion?

        1. RadioIrene

          weej, I can't get enough of that video. It works on so many levels. First off, I can't believe it's still on youtube. 140,000 views already. I was sure youtube had a "no junk" policy. I remember one time when Mrs. Radio was watching Room With a View and I noticed it was rated NC-17. I watched it for awhile and the bulk of it was proper English manners. No violence; no cussing; no sexytime. I'm like, WTF? Mrs. Radio informs me there is one scene where a group of boys are frolicking in a lake and there are flashes of penis — oh the horror!!1!
          Second, I'm trying to feel sorry for Erik Fisher. But, I just can't do it. My initial, blink impression was that he was being pretentious and overly dramatic. He coupled that with contempt for the people who were making fun of him. While the revelers were taking a modest risk being out there — Virginia Beach is not a barrier island and a CAT 1-2 hurricane is relatively common for that area, Mr. Fisher, replete with his safety glasses, blew a head gasket of self-righteousness. The people there were probably taking no more risk than driving on an interstate. He's just as bad as petty middle-managers who have to justify their existence with sets of rules. Ultimately, as we like to say here, he was a dick. A classic of self-parody.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    RE: the home videos: to be fair, enough parts of Virginia have gone without precipitation most of the summer, that we're prone to over-exaggerate its significance when *any* kind of rain appears and overwhelms our long-deprived senses.

    1. weejee

      Do be careful of the floods that may be coming. Some of the soggier places further north may see some serious river problems in the next couple of days.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      yeah, as I recall from some time ago, it was the *bomb-diggity* to find a flashlight-toy in one's christmas stocking morbidly obesified with other dollar-tree-half-off-sale quality accoutrements

        1. Mumbletypeg

          "…going out of business
          Going out of business sale
          Fifty percent off original retail price
          ..It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
          And it's only a dollar, step right up, it's only a dollar
          It's a friend, and it's a companion,
          And it's the only product you will ever need

    2. glamourdammerung

      I have gotten odd looks for the fact I own a lot of nice flashlights and usually have at least one on me at any given time (I have to do a lot of work in the dark). Apparently, being somewhere when the power goes out and pulling out a light is seen as odd.

      1. mayor_quimby

        Got a good source for led lights online? I kinda have a flashlight problem, got em stashed everywhere. A linky is much appreciated.

        1. glamourdammerung

          I bought most of mine from the local hardware shop and a gun store. I carry a SureFire "defender" pretty much anytime I am out of my house and not flying, but they might be a bit too large for normal people to lug around. I figure that the things are made to hit stuff with (the ends are made to bust windows), so dropping or bumping them into things should be fine.

          1. An_Outhouse

            out of the house and NOT flying is the definition liberal elite. And my mother. Man, that bitch is on my case for flyin' all the time.

          2. UW8316154

            "…they might be a bit too large for normal people to lug around."

            I have to ask: are you a giant?

      2. DahBoner

        I know. One time, I whipped out a blue LED keychain flashllight and someone asked me:

        "Why do you have a BLUE flashlight?"

        I was wondering if having a blue flashlight was some sort of secret gay code signal, like gay people are attracted to blue light, like moths….

  10. hollywooddood

    I see a couple of people had "face a hurricane – go surfing" on their bucket list. Too bad they aren't around to check it off.

  11. Mumbletypeg

    Can I just point out how the edge of one end of the pool in that 2nd video, seen near its conclusion, is cleaved like a heart pair of boobies pair of buttocks?

    Also, alt-text WIN Ken.

  12. flamingpdog

    Thanks be to our mighty Ken OverLayne for posting the first two videos. My computer crashed earlier this week, erasing my collection of Tim Pawlenty speech videos. I'm truly grateful now that I have something to help me to get to sleep at nizzzzzzzzz.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      I thought they had a kind of Dada-ist quality, or the movie of the paper bag in "American Beauty." The long shot of the sprinkler head at the corner of the porch was evocative, tragic, poignant, soulful…can't quite find the right word. Oh yes I can: BORING.

  13. SheriffRoscoe

    I kept waiting and waiting for the swimming pool to overflow it's banks, but the video didn't go on long enough.

  14. glamourdammerung

    Hopefully, the GOP sticks to their "young guns" and refuses to aid New Jersey unless the money is taken from other spending. Like military bases in red states or earmarks in Ron Paul's district.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Ironically, our Congressman Rodney Frelinghuysen (R – NJ) already tried this in reverse. He tried to put his mitts on money earmarked for upgrading New Jersey transportation into New York City (so that a half-hour commute doesn't take two hours). to help flood victims in the MIDWEST. The stupid runs deep in Rodney.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Frelinghuysen? That name is not even Amurrican. He must have Twitpixed his crotch to half of your district to get elected.

        1. James Michael Curley

          There are a bunch of Frelinghuysens in NJ history. A framer and signer of the New Jersey Constitution and Delegate to the First Continental Constition, a Senator, a Vice Presidential candidate to Clay. The family came to NJ from Germany in the late 1600. Frelinghuysen means "whinny Republican wasp who represents congress in a district he doesn't live in."

  15. Serolf_Divad

    The devastation around here is palpable. A guy down the street accidentally left his passenger rear window cracked and now that seat is soaked… well, really wet in any case. Another guy I know left a pair of tennis shoes on his deck. It'll be a week at least before he can wear them. To say nothing of the guy whose empty trash can was blown clear down to the corner.

    1. user-of-owls

      OMG! Pete Hoekstra (R-MI) just tweeted, "Meeting friends at the Waldorf Towers where Irene created kind of a big puddle outside. Now I know how it felt to be in Aceh during the 2004 tsunami!"

  16. Not_So_Much

    Any other part of the country and the news from the last few weeks would be a mild temblor that broke a ketchup bottle and then a rain storm. When did the lamestream media decide that the East Coast had become a bunch of pussies? I blame Congress for this national nightmare.

    1. flamingpdog

      "Our short national nightmare is over. The Constitution WORKS!

      - zombie Gerald Ford, teeing off at the 19th hole at the Vail golf course

  17. DahBoner

    "Stock exchanges still plan to open Monday"

    Good to know that America's Richest Billionaires can continue to loot, pillage and rape Middle Class America's 401K plans!

    You know, "Business as Usual"…

    1. Rotundo_

      There may be no power, they may be doing so with candlelight and flashlights, but the plunder must continue. I can imagine the assholes bidding quatloos on newcomers well after the rest of the planet has shuffled off this mortal coil. THROG SHORT SELL GROK LIFE! WHACK! THUD! HA HA HA! I PROFITT!!11!

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    I kept waiting for Jim Cantore to pop up on either of those first two videos. Shit must have been too heavy for him.

  19. OC_Surf_Serf

    Irene was forecast to clean out D.C. …sounds like she was going to be the next darling of the 2012 GOTeaParty candidates.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      You know they're all down on their knees right now, screaming, "WHY, GOD? WHY?" as they watch their beloved Chris Christy floating out to the North Pole while DC and NY remain untouched.

    1. Warpde

      Well thank fucking God Glen.
      I now have the best excuse for my drinking and smoking and watching porn, a lot of porn.
      Did I forget to mention porn?
      I'm kind of drunk right now……."Honey, where are the smokes?"

      I think it's time to go to church and ask God to keep control of me.
      He's doing a damn fine job.
      Oh, and Glen, Food storage! Be prepared!
      Food? Really? I don't need no stinking food.
      Beer, cig's and an 18 year old doing things on the net her parents would be ashamed of is all I need.

      "Jeebus, where are the damn smokes woman? And get me another beer while your at it."

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Stout and stogies are very good to have lots of, but the problem with porn is that it's very interesting for about ten minutes, then it's not interesting at all.

    2. DahBoner

      "Please God, bring us more 9/11s, more earthquakes, more Pearl Harbors, more helicopters shot down by the Taliban!"

      And a failed and ruined economy, which we will then blame on the Black Guy.

      Amen.

      1. flamingpdog

        Glenn seems more like an Old Testament type of guy. I vote for a flaming chariot flying into the sun. (If the thought of that makes him wet his pants, tell him he can do it at night.)

  20. Radiotherapy®

    Now for the real shit storm: 3-4 weeks of non-stop 9/11@10 nostalgia ad nauseum coverage. I'm sick of it already. Irene was a nice break actually.

    1. An_Outhouse

      Great. We can bring up the boogie monster, Bin Laden. Remember him? Who smoked him out? Who got him dead or alive? If someone was smart, that is all you're going to see for the next year. Dick Cheney's book? Who got Bin Laden again?

      1. MichelesPantalones

        Taiwan is drenched right now, and the Philippines is flooding. Also Vermont. Pretty scary watching cars bobbing in the river like apples.

    2. BlueStateLibel

      Ugh, you are so right. I have a relative who lost someone, I can't imagine how the non-stop crap "anniversary" coverage will do nothing but bring up horrible memories and pain for the survivors.

  21. Jukesgrrl

    The name Irene is a derivation of the name of the Greek goddess of peace Ειρηνη (Eirene), one of the Ωραι (Horai — the twelve goddesses portioning time and the seasons). We all know the Greeks are broke and don't love Texas Jesus, but do love buttsecks, so, voilà, hurricane.

  22. vulpes82

    Well, my little patch of South Jersey retained power and hasn't blown or floated away, so I guess I am Of Satan? Thanks, Ken!

    1. DahBoner

      Totally diff'rent smoke there, pardner!

      Hurricanes rotate counterclockwise, while Texas Two Steppers rotate clockwise…

  23. Lascauxcaveman

    This past June in Seattle. The whole month, and almost all of July, too. That's what those first two clips remind me of.

    1. UW8316154

      June? Just June?? That clip, my friend, was the soundtrack to our lives from last November up until just a few weeks ago!!

      * though I am not complaining about this weekend, not one bit*

    2. flamingpdog

      Reminds of the old Bill Cosby routine about Seattle. "Seattle, where it rains at least 365 days of the years."
      Excuse me, I have to go now – my sinuses suddenly plugged up.

  24. smitallica

    So will it be taken as a sign by the Chirsters that their favorite co-Jesus Freak Rick Perry prayed for rain in Texas and made the drought worse, while God is positively POURING his life-giving waters on those liberal cesspits, NYC and Faggachusetts?
    No, prolly not.

  25. flamingpdog

    Let's not forget that Governor Rick Perry has kept Texas safe this summer from the torrential rains devastating the East Coast this weekend. In fact, all that praying for rain in Texas he did before he announced his candicacy for Preznit of the USA? Makes you kind of wonder if he wasn't actually praying for rain for the White House under his breath. And y'all thought Guvnuh Goodhair didn't actually have a direct hotline to Yahweh!

  26. DemonicRage

    Now that D.C. has been cleansed, can the Obama Administration refrain from walking on any of the streets until Rick Perry and his Entourage arrive to take over (how many more months)? Start the countdown. It is obvious that the disgruntled Olds have found their candidate, from the moment he put his foot up on that Iowa bale of hay, so as to better feature the zipper front of his pants.

    1. An_Outhouse

      All the inside people are saying Sarah will announce Sept 3. The anticipation is like Christmas.

      1. Negropolis

        I was talking to my dad about this, last night, I could hear him rubbing his hands together like a child at Christmastime. We were damn-near giddy-sounding. There is no way Sarah is going to let her party be upstaged by Perry. She'll probably drop out by January, but that's mouth of comedic material for the rest of the year.

    2. bitchincamaro2

      Why anyone sporting PLEATED chinos would want to draw attention to the "zipper front of his pants" is an enormous mystery to me.

  27. bitchincamaro2

    Ha ha. Wall Street underwater? Let me know when I can stop holding my breath.

    Oops! What's that? Lloyd Blankfein on the receiving end of a bitchincamaro swirly?

    Breathe deeply, LB. Let yourself go.

    1. flamingpdog

      Only fitting, given the number of American homeowners that are under water because of Wall Street.

  28. DerrickWildcat

    Although the Market watch link didn't really say that Walmart was price gouging per se, The cold and clinical reporting on how to profit from tragedy is depressing.

    1. Rotundo_

      But isn't it a clear example of supply and demand and their effect on pricing strategy? You make it sound like what they were doing was unsound from an economic standpoint. They were simply using the leverage of being a sole supplier to enhance profits during a spike in demand. Gosh, it would be bad to feed those starving Africans when we could be leveraging the situation to make for a killer quarter in food exports. That is why we still have the edge in business here in the USofA, the ability to see beyond the human tragedy and see the corporate opportunity when things like this happen. Sure you get the kumbayah feeling when you keep them alive for nothing, but damn, there's nothing like meeting the needs of an impoverished starving or thirsty child *and* making a killing doing it.

  29. Doktor Zoom

    The ambassador from the Sentient Foam Creature Galaxy had especially poor timing. Because it didn't get a satisfactory response to its demands, it has transmitted the order to launch the Death Fleet.

  30. Guppy06

    Yeah, while I'm out here in the Radioactive Ebola Santorum Foam, my camera crew is safe in their fourth floor hotel room. With the beer.

    And I'd just like to say, the pay-per-view porn on the hotel bill? Totally not my idea!

  31. subsum

    Irene's a big-government, tax-and-spend librul, obviously. Here, this was her opportunity to drown government in a big bathtub and she chose not to. Dissapointing.

  32. nappyduggs

    Frankly,it is a good thing that these bastards didn't get hit. Considering Katrina was six years ago today and there are people in New Orleans who still haven't (and won't) receive any recompense, it's a balm that these greedy fucks won't get to claim any FEMA money for their pain and suffering. Because you just know that they would.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      By Kathryn Jean Lopez

      Sorry for the Relative Silence Here, BUT THERE ARE NO D-BATTERIES anywhere

      Well, she does have five in her Jonah Goldberg's Fist shaped Magic Wand, but she needs those.

      There was a relative silence, interrupted only by a faint humming noise somewhere down the hall towards her room.

  33. imissopus

    Of course there's nothing in that MarketWatch article that even hints at price-gouging, not one example of, say, Home Depot suddenly raising the price of batteries and plywood to well above normal. But what the hell, I'm sure it happened.

  34. sati_demise

    Unfortunately, upstate NY and Vermont are getting hammered by floods. So Bernie Sanders is the devil I guess. freakin' east Middlebury, Vt. is being evacuated as I type. boyfriend is hunkered down with candles and beer sending sad text messages

    1. 102415

      Bernie is my pretend boyfriend. Middlebury is not what I think of as hurricane prone. I know it well.Lower Bartonsville covered bridge is gone and I heard the one at Quechee too. Be safe.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        You shameless hussy! Bernie is MY pretend HUSBAND. LEAVE BERNIE ALONE!!!!!!

        But seriously, all the best to VT, NH, and upstate friends of Wonket. Good luck and know we're thinking of you. My Jukes were supposed to do their annual gig at the Casino Ballroom in Hampton Beach on Saturday night. My guess is, that was a wash. Literally.

  35. Negropolis

    I hear Glenn Blech called Irene a "blessing". You know, I don't know the context, but quite frankly, I don't give a damn, Wonkette.

    1. flamingpdog

      I believe he meant to say, "Finding myself buried up to my chin in sand at low tide line on a deserted Virginia Beach beach when Irene hit would be a blessing."

      Irene itself, I dunno about that.

    1. lulzmonger

      That is not dead which can eternal lie, & with strange aeons even Death may get a semi-regular guest-spot on FOX.

  36. Terry

    Irene seems to have had it in for people in Vermont. A bad experience with maple syrup or autumn leaves, perhaps?

    1. sati_demise

      too much socialism. health cares for all the kids, now going for state single payer. only has a 5% unemployment rate since they barred giant corporations from doing whatever the hell they wanted.

  37. glamourdammerung

    I had to get the oil changed on my battle wagon and luckily for me, they had Fox "news" on in the waiting area. Needless to say, a bunch of welfare queen red states are already crying about not getting any money.

    1. sati_demise

      My policy: if Fox 'News" is on in any public place, I ask them politely to change the channel.
      Even if it is just a TV in the elevator lobby of a hotel.
      Change the damn channel, I'm not watching that crap for one second.

      Everyone should do this, it is fun! Harmless fun!

      1. glamourdammerung

        That would have involved getting the guy to stop changing the oil in my car and was already in a hurry. I usually do ask businesses I am using to turn that anti-American crap off.

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