Random Muslim Becomes Millionth ‘Al Qaeda No. 2′ After Robot Kills Him

  another star trek guy in a red shirt

'Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction.' ... 'Look, sir, droids!'Anything besides hurricane news today? Yes! The Pentagon or the CIA or whatever corporation runs the robot death drone planes that constantly rain bombs on brown people throughout the world just announced that about a week ago, one of those robot death drone planes dropped a couple of million-dollar bombs somewhere and one of those bombs blew up a random Muslim or Arab (both?) somewhere, and this guy … let’s see, “Atiyah Abd al-Rahman,” yep he turned out to be the latest “Number Two Al Qaeda,” perhaps the Assistant Chief Financial Officer or whatever, on August 22, when he was apparently killed.

The New York Times reports from some unsourced anonymous Pentagon press release, as usual with this bullshit:

American officials described Mr. Rahman’s death as particularly significant as compared with other high-ranking Qaeda operatives who have been killed, because he was one of a new generation of Qaeda leaders that the network hoped would assume greater control after Bin Laden’s death.

Hahaha, “as compared with other high-ranking Qaeda operatives who have been killed,” hahaha. Idiots. No, wait … we’re the idiots, for putting up with this, year after year. The second decade of the “War On Terror” will be “particularly significant,” too, we bet. [NYT]

Related

 
Related video

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

124 comments

  1. Barb

    Number Two Al Qaeda Chief Financial Officer? We should turn some of the wrath on some of our financial officers, bankers and crooks.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    Does anyone else find it amusing that Al Qaeda has a CFO…like they're Ben & Jerry's or something?

    Oh and USA! USA! USA! or something…

          1. Negropolis

            That said, I won't refuse a Tali-bon-bon if offered to me, nor will I turn away a Chocolate Mosul.

        1. poncho_pilot

          i hear IED's Nuts and Camel Tracks are pretty good. from personal experience i can say the Five Swirls Of Islam and Infidelicious are both excellent.

          1. Negropolis

            Infidelicious

            Nice; nice…

            I hear one of the poorer sellers this year is Rocky Road to Damascus, 'cause the Death by Military Incursion swirls leave a bad taste in your mouth. But, Tripolipolitan is selling well, despite having chunks of Salt Water Ghaddfi in it. The Sudanese Split has a nice flavor to it, too.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      You should find it terrifying that virtually all major corporations have CFOs, just like terrists! Clearly, major corporations are trying (and often succeeding) to kill Americans!

      1. MichelesPantalones

        Actually, I'm terrified that turrrrrrrrsts now have CFOs just like major corporations. Remember Godfather I through XXVVII? That's EXACTLY what those guys did, ya know.

  3. BlueStateLibel

    This is a tremendous comfort to us on the East Coast as Death bears furiously down upon us. I will die happy, thank you CIA.

  4. tcaalaw

    Wait, he's the "Number Two Al Qaeda Chief Financial Officer”? So they crowing that they blew up the Assistant CFO? What next, a press release about killing AQ summer interns?

      1. RadioIrene

        Yeah, because in tribal societal organization there is no CFO. However, the guy who has the biggest suitcase full of Viagra is a big #2.

      2. sati_demise

        Funny, I saw this headline and knew it was Ken Layne.

        sick
        oh yea, it made me really happy to see you back in fine form.

      3. Rotundo_

        It was a good comedic riff-I had visions of hundreds of these fellows in a cave in Pakistan doing power point presentations and serving up the goat and flatbread sandwiches and going through the financials for the year and reporting out to the shareholders and stuff, Mullah Omar up on the stage like Jobs at an Apple Stockholders meeting introducing the I-KeelU to massive cheers…

      1. MichelesPantalones

        This here crowd sure underestimates how vile an Assistant CFO can be, man. I coulda gotta medal if I'd actually blown ours up. I declined the honour since the man weighed in at close to 600 lb and no way was I going to try and clean up that much chunky lard.

  5. RadioIrene

    If we put in good sanitation and sewer systems, we probably could get rid of a lot more #2's.

    1. user-of-owls

      Perfectly sound CI methodology, consistent with 'best practices' therein.

      Which means, of course, that the Tea Party banshees will tie a program shown to be effective going back half a century at least, and probably a great many years earlier still, they will tie its feet together with NPR's just before they push 'em both from one of Pawlenty's still-standing bridges.

      Plus, whar's the blowy-uppy and the dead browns? I ain't payin' for something that don't have a both of 'em.

      1. MichelesPantalones

        I thought you were talking about GI methodology. Much more appropriate when discussing #2, no?

    1. not that Dewey

      Damn!

      Wallbuilders, eh? "Let's build a wall to the future! (and then nail bloody scalps to it!)"

    2. Rotundo_

      I don't profess to have any real "gaydar" powers, but if somone showed me the picture I might be willing to at least acknowledge the possibility that Dave there was closeted and self loathing to the point of being maniacal. Maybe it's just my imagination. I am curious as to how legalizing same sex marriage in NewYawk has any impact on folks from Tejas like Dave is. Myself, I think if anyone wants to commit to a relationship that sincerely it is a sign of good intentions and we had ought to STFU and let them do so without all the half assed amateur theatrics and tantrums that folks like Dave are putting on. Besides which, I bet the receptions are absolutely to die for.

    1. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

      That must have been before they folded those two departments into one as a cost cutting maneuver. You know those guys are just trying to keep their heads down until the layoffs cool down. Suicide bomber my ass, it's forced early retirement.

      1. johnnyzhivago

        Look, Al Queda is CRAWLING with McKinsey people since OBL's killing…. There's definitely going to be changes, definitely a new emphaisis on keeping expenses (especially travel) down – and a refocus on core competencies…

          1. RadioIrene

            We could send them a Kaizen consultant to improve efficiency. And don't get me started on metrics.

          2. Rotundo_

            I suppose they'll bring in some folks from Toyota and go Six Sigma on them, doing Kaizens to streamline processes and drive efficiency. I imagine the first discussions of 5S discipline will be a bit heated: Taping out areas in the mud huts and labeling them with "Bombs" and "Rifles" and making them clean the goatshit out of the storage areas will be a tough sell. But once they get used to it, and then see a Value Stream Map that shows present and future state of service at Al Qaida, I'm sure the team will fall in line.

          3. RadioIrene

            Call me what you will, but that kind of Management-Theory-du joir- speak is way more painful and terrorizing than any remote fear of desert rats with boxcutters and AK-47's.

          4. Rotundo_

            Too true, especially being stuck in a room full of managerial bots being lectured on the virtues of it. Not as bad as waterboarding, but it will leave you scarred nonetheless. The consultants always seemed like professor Henry Higgins of "The Music Man" fame and the results always felt like the kids music.

          5. RadioIrene

            Sincere, and snark free, thanks man. That I am not the only one who appreciates the inanity and "enhanced interrogation" aspect of this ugly facet of capitalism. And further, the Robert Prescient Preston observation was outstanding.

      2. MichelesPantalones

        Between the hiring freeze and the RIF, it's tuff to get anything done around al-Qaeda these days. I'm guessing he got a bad performance review and decided to end it all.

  6. JoshuaNorton

    The second decade of the “War On Terror” will be “particularly significant,” too, we bet.

    You appear to be quite cavalier that the amount of uncleared brush in this country has risen exponentially since Obama took office.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    Prisoner: Who are you?
    Number Two: The new Number Two.
    Prisoner: Who is Number One?
    Number Two: You are Number Six.
    Prisoner: I am not a number, I am a free man!

  8. iburl

    Cool, so now there are only 299 Al Qaeda people left that we are going to bankrupt 95% of all people in America to kill. Wouldn't it be easier to just not train them how to fly (but not land) planes, in Florida?

  9. bflrtsplk

    No. 2 CFO? They don't have anyone else who knows how to spend money? When they get the No. 2 man in charge of afterlife virgins, hashish and poppy production, then I'll know they're getting somewhere. Until then, it was a long night and I need some shuteye.

  10. flamingpdog

    “Atiyah Abd al-Rahman”

    Rahman Noodles are PEOPLE!!!

    What's next for the poorz? Soylent hobo beans?

    1. user-of-owls

      And with an innovative, novel approach to job creation: No need to actually produce 'new' jobs, just selectively thin the existing work force.

  11. Dudleydidwrong

    "Hey! We just offed some guy riding a camel!"
    "Great! Who was it?"
    "We don't know. We just zoom the drone around until we spot some guy who looks like a badass."
    "What'll we tell the press? That we just killed 'some guy on a camel'?"
    "Give him a title. Give him a title. Make him one important dude on a camel."
    "How about '#2 CFO in al Qaeda'?"
    "Fuckin' A! #2 CFO. Wasted!"
    "I'll call in the press guys. They've been outside all day playing marbles in the sand."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Don't be a cynic. You know damned well the Pentagon gets Al Quaeda's weekly mailing of their updated organizational chart.

  12. Serolf_Divad

    You laugh, but Al Quaeda is a highly hierarchical organization, with positions and ranks remarkably similar to those found in the U.S. military. At the top of the organizational structure, for instance, is the head of the organization, Al Quaeda's leader, whose rank would be something akin to a Five Star General in the U.S. armed services. Just below him is the second in command, whose rank would be equivalent to a Private First Class in the U.S. Army. There are more than one second in commands.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well, another one just got promoted. Getting your ass blown up without taking any infidels with you only gets you to Martyr, second class. Which is nice, but not exactly on the executive ladder.

      BTW, I am SO tired of these assholes and their bitching ("Hey, where de virgins at?") when they get down here. Will someone up there please clue these idiots in?

      1. Serolf_Divad

        I imagine the correct answer to that question is: "Where da bitches? …ha, ha, ha… funny you should ask. You da bitches. Now bend over!"

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          It's amusing all right – but the logistics of keeping a supply of red-hot pokers always at hand is such a headache.

  13. SaintRond

    These fucking people have made flying a miserable, anxiety provoking experience and I want them dead. Muerto. Kaput. They're all rats! Their mothers are rats! Their fathers are rats! They're all rats and I want them fucking dead, along with their families and even their fucking cats and dogs. And I don't care how much money it costs you. And after they're gone, Perry's going to be President and he can get to work fucking you up too for supporting that Goddamn Israel and helping to make my flying experience even more miserable than it already is. So there. Fuck off.

    Peace… God bless…

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Not that I'd hold it against anyone… but I perceive by your avatar you must have been sired by some kind of rodent.

      Needz moar "that cunt", also~

    2. sati_demise

      hahahhah, you think even if we turn the entire middle east into glass with a nuke that TSA is going to change? President Perry will turn the TSa into a death squad if Texass is any example.

      1. SaintRond

        I don't know about the TSA and to tell you the truth, I don't care. I get on planes in Mexico and sometimes I even go to the US, but it's miserable everywhere.

        I don't want to turn the middle east into glass. I blame the Americans. Perry's a swine and the US can have him. Ugh.

  14. donner_froh

    Having read many Ken Layne posts over many years, I can say that this is the most disturbing/depressing/discouraging sentence so far:

    The second decade of the “War On Terror” will be “particularly significant,” too, we bet.

    This really will go on forever and we will continue to meekly surrender our rights as citizens.

    1. ttommyunger

      "This really will go on forever and we will continue to meekly surrender our rights as citizens" -or Humans, or both.

    2. Negropolis

      I don't think so. I fully expect the tea party — particularly when the media stops giving them attention — to resort to terrorism, themselves, no snarking. When the rhetoric gets as high as it has on the right, it never just goes away; they eventually make shit happen, particularly when they feel they've finally be fully marginalized.

    3. HelmutNewton

      Citizens? Seriously, when was the last time anyone in government, Wall Street or the media described us that way? The only worth we have to them now is as "consumers".

    1. JustPixelz

      True fact: Near the end of World War II, the Red Army was closing in on Berlin. The Nazis had almost no forces left to stop them. It was hopeless (if you're a Nazi). So Hitler promotes Major Spitsbrain (or whatever his name was) and orders him to defend Berlin. This dimwit is happy! He calls all his friends and family, bragging about his promotion and what an honor it was and so on. A few days later Berlin was captured. No word on what happened to that "No. 2".

  15. ttommyunger

    So we killed Robert Wagner? Jeez, he was a lousy actor and lately a shill for rip-off mortgages, but killing him? Kind of harsh, dudes.

  16. donner_froh

    When a devout Muslim is killed in Jihad and he is also a member of Al Qaeda he not only goes to Jannah where everyone is happy , without hurt, sorrow, fear or shame and where every wish is fulfilled, but he also gets that sought after posthumous promotion to second in command of Al Qaeda.

  17. x111e7thst

    Was there no wedding to death-drone? Has New York's gay marriage law ruined the weddings of jihadists the same way it has destroyed the heretofore rock solid wedded bliss of various Repuke politicians?

  18. El Pinche

    Besides shit on America and fucking around on a ranch , what did Dubya do again? Looks like Barry is taking care of business .

    1. Jukesgrrl

      He keeps reminding us he "kept us safe." I await his reminder that we never had an earthquake and a hurricane in the same week in the nation's capital when he was president.

  19. DahBoner

    They're working their way up the Al Qaeda organization chart, until they get up to Dick Cheney..

  20. Weenus299

    Must be the HR Director. Once you kill one of those, however, seven more arrive to take his place.

  21. Noitzie

    Do you commenters not understand snark? This guy was not the "assistant CFO",
    that's Wonkette snark. Whether he's as important as they say or not is another thing —

  22. natoslug

    Fuck me. I forgot to pick out my tenth anniversary WOT gift. My wife's going to go jihad on my ass. Are claymores the traditional 10th for this?

  23. Negropolis

    This is like whack-a-mole, except with Stinger and Hellfire missiles, and that you actually destroy the moles, and that you spend a lot more money and actual people's lives to whack the mole.

    BTW, Barry is winding down the fully-out military war against Al Qaeda. Now, we'll have to be the ones to defend against the war on our civil liberties perpetuated by power (right, left and otherwise), and maybe launch a few legislative and legal offenses if we (liberals) ever get a influential voice in the government, again.

  24. Thurman Munster IV

    I think he was assistant to the regional manager, which sucks for him since we thought he was the regional manager

  25. owhatever

    Eric Cantor will not approve launching any more drones to kill al Qaeda numbers until we can find budget offsets to pay for the attack … like that useless National Weather Service. People are smart enough to know it's raining without having some damn gummint bureaucrat scientist telling them so.

    1. Ken Layne

      Oh good god, I have never encountered the stop-motion stormtrooper action figures break dancing to the Look Sir, Droids scene …. bookmarked for posterity.

  26. OneDollarJuana

    We have killed so many #2 Al Qaedans that I'm beginning to wonder how high the terrists can count.

Comments are closed.