ANOTHER STAR TREK GUY IN A RED SHIRT  5:07 pm August 27, 2011

Random Muslim Becomes Millionth ‘Al Qaeda No. 2′ After Robot Kills Him

by Ken Layne

'Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction.' ... 'Look, sir, droids!'Anything besides hurricane news today? Yes! The Pentagon or the CIA or whatever corporation runs the robot death drone planes that constantly rain bombs on brown people throughout the world just announced that about a week ago, one of those robot death drone planes dropped a couple of million-dollar bombs somewhere and one of those bombs blew up a random Muslim or Arab (both?) somewhere, and this guy … let’s see, “Atiyah Abd al-Rahman,” yep he turned out to be the latest “Number Two Al Qaeda,” perhaps the Assistant Chief Financial Officer or whatever, on August 22, when he was apparently killed.

The New York Times reports from some unsourced anonymous Pentagon press release, as usual with this bullshit:

American officials described Mr. Rahman’s death as particularly significant as compared with other high-ranking Qaeda operatives who have been killed, because he was one of a new generation of Qaeda leaders that the network hoped would assume greater control after Bin Laden’s death.

Hahaha, “as compared with other high-ranking Qaeda operatives who have been killed,” hahaha. Idiots. No, wait … we’re the idiots, for putting up with this, year after year. The second decade of the “War On Terror” will be “particularly significant,” too, we bet. [NYT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 124 comments }

Barb August 27, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Number Two Al Qaeda Chief Financial Officer? We should turn some of the wrath on some of our financial officers, bankers and crooks.

Callyson August 27, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Also on Tea Partiers, Republicans, oil company executives…

memzilla August 27, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Wait… what? These weren't the droids we're looking for?

Texan_Bulldog August 27, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Does anyone else find it amusing that Al Qaeda has a CFO…like they're Ben & Jerry's or something?

Oh and USA! USA! USA! or something…

flamingpdog August 27, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I just love those Bin & Laden's ice cream sand-wiches.

Barb August 27, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Ben & Jerry's "Iraqi Road" is pretty good. Their "Nougalar Proliferation" is the bomb though.

ttommyunger August 27, 2011 at 7:15 pm

"The bomb", Hee, hee.

Negropolis August 27, 2011 at 11:54 pm

I'm partial to the Uranium Yellow Cakes & Cream, myself.

Barb August 27, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Good flavor, gold star for you.

poncho_pilot August 28, 2011 at 2:26 am

i hear IED's Nuts and Camel Tracks are pretty good. from personal experience i can say the Five Swirls Of Islam and Infidelicious are both excellent.

Negropolis August 28, 2011 at 6:24 am

Infidelicious

Nice; nice…

I hear one of the poorer sellers this year is Rocky Road to Damascus, 'cause the Death by Military Incursion swirls leave a bad taste in your mouth. But, Tripolipolitan is selling well, despite having chunks of Salt Water Ghaddfi in it. The Sudanese Split has a nice flavor to it, too.

OneDollarJuana August 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

You should find it terrifying that virtually all major corporations have CFOs, just like terrists! Clearly, major corporations are trying (and often succeeding) to kill Americans!

MichelesPantalones August 28, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Actually, I'm terrified that turrrrrrrrsts now have CFOs just like major corporations. Remember Godfather I through XXVVII? That's EXACTLY what those guys did, ya know.

BlueStateLibel August 27, 2011 at 5:19 pm

This is a tremendous comfort to us on the East Coast as Death bears furiously down upon us. I will die happy, thank you CIA.

LesBontemps August 28, 2011 at 10:23 am

If by Death you mean six inches of water in my basement, then yeah.

OneDollarJuana August 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

We had furious death bears last year at our campground.

MichelesPantalones August 28, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I remember them! Didn't they used to open for Frank Zappa and the Mothers?

tcaalaw August 27, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Wait, he's the "Number Two Al Qaeda Chief Financial Officer”? So they crowing that they blew up the Assistant CFO? What next, a press release about killing AQ summer interns?

Ken Layne August 27, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Sorry sorry, I was *kidding* about the "chief financial officer" part. Post edited to make dumb joke more obvious.

RadioIrene August 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Yeah, because in tribal societal organization there is no CFO. However, the guy who has the biggest suitcase full of Viagra is a big #2.

weejee August 27, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Sure it isn't the biggest suitcase full of Rogaine to help with a fuller beard?

sati_demise August 27, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Funny, I saw this headline and knew it was Ken Layne.

sick
oh yea, it made me really happy to see you back in fine form.

Rotundo_ August 27, 2011 at 7:09 pm

It was a good comedic riff-I had visions of hundreds of these fellows in a cave in Pakistan doing power point presentations and serving up the goat and flatbread sandwiches and going through the financials for the year and reporting out to the shareholders and stuff, Mullah Omar up on the stage like Jobs at an Apple Stockholders meeting introducing the I-KeelU to massive cheers…

HistoriCat August 27, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Hmmm … you seem to know an awful lot about the inner goings-on of Al Qaeda.

mayor_quimby August 28, 2011 at 2:37 am

SEAL HALO drop landing on your roof, in 3,2,1

ManchuCandidate August 27, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Don't poopoo the Blowing up the Assistant CFO. It was happy news where I worked especially when his ass landed in court for insider trading.

MichelesPantalones August 28, 2011 at 1:34 pm

This here crowd sure underestimates how vile an Assistant CFO can be, man. I coulda gotta medal if I'd actually blown ours up. I declined the honour since the man weighed in at close to 600 lb and no way was I going to try and clean up that much chunky lard.

bumfug August 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm

If he didn't have an eyepatch he wasn't "Number 2".

flamingpdog August 27, 2011 at 6:29 pm

At least now we know who Number 2 worked for.

RadioIrene August 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm

If we put in good sanitation and sewer systems, we probably could get rid of a lot more #2's.

user-of-owls August 27, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Perfectly sound CI methodology, consistent with 'best practices' therein.

Which means, of course, that the Tea Party banshees will tie a program shown to be effective going back half a century at least, and probably a great many years earlier still, they will tie its feet together with NPR's just before they push 'em both from one of Pawlenty's still-standing bridges.

Plus, whar's the blowy-uppy and the dead browns? I ain't payin' for something that don't have a both of 'em.

MichelesPantalones August 28, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I thought you were talking about GI methodology. Much more appropriate when discussing #2, no?

ProgressiveInga August 27, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Today, we are all #2.

MichelesPantalones August 28, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I sure feel pretty #2ish.

mavenmaven August 27, 2011 at 5:30 pm

No big deal, soon the GOP will be shooting drones or otherwise executing even their own congressmen: http://www.addictinginfo.org/2011/08/10/david-bar

not that Dewey August 27, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Damn!

Wallbuilders, eh? "Let's build a wall to the future! (and then nail bloody scalps to it!)"

Rotundo_ August 27, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I don't profess to have any real "gaydar" powers, but if somone showed me the picture I might be willing to at least acknowledge the possibility that Dave there was closeted and self loathing to the point of being maniacal. Maybe it's just my imagination. I am curious as to how legalizing same sex marriage in NewYawk has any impact on folks from Tejas like Dave is. Myself, I think if anyone wants to commit to a relationship that sincerely it is a sign of good intentions and we had ought to STFU and let them do so without all the half assed amateur theatrics and tantrums that folks like Dave are putting on. Besides which, I bet the receptions are absolutely to die for.

MichelesPantalones August 28, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Well, one look at his puss and my gaydar's on 11 (and it only goes up to 10).

yyyaz August 27, 2011 at 8:53 pm

DR. Ad soliciting donations for Allen West in left margin scorched my retinas. Thx, also.

Come here a minute August 27, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Weird, my org chart had him down as CIO.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard August 27, 2011 at 5:54 pm

That must have been before they folded those two departments into one as a cost cutting maneuver. You know those guys are just trying to keep their heads down until the layoffs cool down. Suicide bomber my ass, it's forced early retirement.

johnnyzhivago August 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Look, Al Queda is CRAWLING with McKinsey people since OBL's killing…. There's definitely going to be changes, definitely a new emphaisis on keeping expenses (especially travel) down – and a refocus on core competencies…

Ayn Rand Paul Tard August 27, 2011 at 6:18 pm

It'll really demoralize the staff if they start farming out work to India. They keep saying it's all about synergy, but the response time is just terrible.

RadioIrene August 27, 2011 at 7:07 pm

We could send them a Kaizen consultant to improve efficiency. And don't get me started on metrics.

Rotundo_ August 27, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I suppose they'll bring in some folks from Toyota and go Six Sigma on them, doing Kaizens to streamline processes and drive efficiency. I imagine the first discussions of 5S discipline will be a bit heated: Taping out areas in the mud huts and labeling them with "Bombs" and "Rifles" and making them clean the goatshit out of the storage areas will be a tough sell. But once they get used to it, and then see a Value Stream Map that shows present and future state of service at Al Qaida, I'm sure the team will fall in line.

MichelesPantalones August 28, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Between the hiring freeze and the RIF, it's tuff to get anything done around al-Qaeda these days. I'm guessing he got a bad performance review and decided to end it all.

JoshuaNorton August 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

The second decade of the “War On Terror” will be “particularly significant,” too, we bet.

You appear to be quite cavalier that the amount of uncleared brush in this country has risen exponentially since Obama took office.

bumfug August 27, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Number 2 in Al-Qaeda has a shorter life expectancy than a drummer for Spinal Tap.

BaldarTFlagass August 27, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Prisoner: Who are you?
Number Two: The new Number Two.
Prisoner: Who is Number One?
Number Two: You are Number Six.
Prisoner: I am not a number, I am a free man!

Guppy06 August 27, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Dropping giant, white beach balls on them would be far cheaper than guided bombs.

Sharkey August 27, 2011 at 6:46 pm

That actually happened in Portal 2.

ManchuCandidate August 27, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Ha.

To be blunt, the killing of Number 2s seems as idiotic as this game shown in The Prisoner which involves clubs, trampolines and ruptured knees.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTqAfJYWe58

smitallica August 28, 2011 at 1:19 pm

We want…disinformation.
Disinformation!!
DISINFORMATION!!!

iburl August 27, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Cool, so now there are only 299 Al Qaeda people left that we are going to bankrupt 95% of all people in America to kill. Wouldn't it be easier to just not train them how to fly (but not land) planes, in Florida?

Doktor Zoom August 27, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I am not a number–I am a man!

You are Number Six.

johnnyzhivago August 27, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Good riddence to this asshole, but seriously, Goldman Sach's CFO probably has wreaked more havoc on America than this loser ever would….

Mumbletypeg August 27, 2011 at 5:58 pm

This is bad news for all those trying to observe Rahmandan.

TanzbodenKoenig August 27, 2011 at 6:00 pm

This is going to be a serious hit to Al-Qaeda's Accounts Payable dept

weejee August 27, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Who gets the PayPal account?

bflrtsplk August 27, 2011 at 6:14 pm

No. 2 CFO? They don't have anyone else who knows how to spend money? When they get the No. 2 man in charge of afterlife virgins, hashish and poppy production, then I'll know they're getting somewhere. Until then, it was a long night and I need some shuteye.

flamingpdog August 27, 2011 at 6:16 pm

“Atiyah Abd al-Rahman”

Rahman Noodles are PEOPLE!!!

What's next for the poorz? Soylent hobo beans?

flamingpdog August 27, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Who knew that the CIA would be the new job creators?

user-of-owls August 27, 2011 at 10:02 pm

And with an innovative, novel approach to job creation: No need to actually produce 'new' jobs, just selectively thin the existing work force.

Dudleydidwrong August 27, 2011 at 6:23 pm

"Hey! We just offed some guy riding a camel!"
"Great! Who was it?"
"We don't know. We just zoom the drone around until we spot some guy who looks like a badass."
"What'll we tell the press? That we just killed 'some guy on a camel'?"
"Give him a title. Give him a title. Make him one important dude on a camel."
"How about '#2 CFO in al Qaeda'?"
"Fuckin' A! #2 CFO. Wasted!"
"I'll call in the press guys. They've been outside all day playing marbles in the sand."

sati_demise August 27, 2011 at 6:37 pm

"and afterward, you want to go to the Wynn buffet?"

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Don't be a cynic. You know damned well the Pentagon gets Al Quaeda's weekly mailing of their updated organizational chart.

ManchuCandidate August 27, 2011 at 6:36 pm

This death was brought to you by the number 2 and by the letters C. I. and A.

Sharkey August 27, 2011 at 7:07 pm

V

smokefilleddoommate August 27, 2011 at 7:26 pm

and a little bit of #5

Serolf_Divad August 27, 2011 at 6:39 pm

You laugh, but Al Quaeda is a highly hierarchical organization, with positions and ranks remarkably similar to those found in the U.S. military. At the top of the organizational structure, for instance, is the head of the organization, Al Quaeda's leader, whose rank would be something akin to a Five Star General in the U.S. armed services. Just below him is the second in command, whose rank would be equivalent to a Private First Class in the U.S. Army. There are more than one second in commands.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Well, another one just got promoted. Getting your ass blown up without taking any infidels with you only gets you to Martyr, second class. Which is nice, but not exactly on the executive ladder.

BTW, I am SO tired of these assholes and their bitching ("Hey, where de virgins at?") when they get down here. Will someone up there please clue these idiots in?

Serolf_Divad August 28, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I imagine the correct answer to that question is: "Where da bitches? …ha, ha, ha… funny you should ask. You da bitches. Now bend over!"

Biel_ze_Bubba August 28, 2011 at 2:33 pm

It's amusing all right – but the logistics of keeping a supply of red-hot pokers always at hand is such a headache.

Lucidamente1 August 27, 2011 at 6:41 pm

President Perry, it's time for bring those drones home:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/16/rick-per

Sharkey August 27, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Somehow, this makes the hurricane okay.

SaintRond August 27, 2011 at 6:42 pm

These fucking people have made flying a miserable, anxiety provoking experience and I want them dead. Muerto. Kaput. They're all rats! Their mothers are rats! Their fathers are rats! They're all rats and I want them fucking dead, along with their families and even their fucking cats and dogs. And I don't care how much money it costs you. And after they're gone, Perry's going to be President and he can get to work fucking you up too for supporting that Goddamn Israel and helping to make my flying experience even more miserable than it already is. So there. Fuck off.

Peace… God bless…

iburl August 27, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Man, I hate the TSA too, but you go too far.

SaintRond August 27, 2011 at 7:50 pm

No, I've been very inconvenienced. I have a right to feel this way.

Mumbletypeg August 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Not that I'd hold it against anyone… but I perceive by your avatar you must have been sired by some kind of rodent.

Needz moar "that cunt", also~

SaintRond August 27, 2011 at 10:47 pm

I beg your pardon, but this avatar makes people respect me.

sati_demise August 28, 2011 at 1:32 am

hahahhah, you think even if we turn the entire middle east into glass with a nuke that TSA is going to change? President Perry will turn the TSa into a death squad if Texass is any example.

SaintRond August 28, 2011 at 3:02 am

I don't know about the TSA and to tell you the truth, I don't care. I get on planes in Mexico and sometimes I even go to the US, but it's miserable everywhere.

I don't want to turn the middle east into glass. I blame the Americans. Perry's a swine and the US can have him. Ugh.

donner_froh August 27, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Having read many Ken Layne posts over many years, I can say that this is the most disturbing/depressing/discouraging sentence so far:

The second decade of the “War On Terror” will be “particularly significant,” too, we bet.

This really will go on forever and we will continue to meekly surrender our rights as citizens.

ttommyunger August 27, 2011 at 7:19 pm

"This really will go on forever and we will continue to meekly surrender our rights as citizens" -or Humans, or both.

Negropolis August 28, 2011 at 12:05 am

I don't think so. I fully expect the tea party — particularly when the media stops giving them attention — to resort to terrorism, themselves, no snarking. When the rhetoric gets as high as it has on the right, it never just goes away; they eventually make shit happen, particularly when they feel they've finally be fully marginalized.

HelmutNewton August 28, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Citizens? Seriously, when was the last time anyone in government, Wall Street or the media described us that way? The only worth we have to them now is as "consumers".

slowhansolo August 27, 2011 at 6:46 pm

So I guess he's happy in Second Banana Heaven, unless Pat Buttram has it in for him.

Sharkey August 27, 2011 at 6:58 pm

How much would it suck to be number three?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm

More now than it did before.

JustPixelz August 28, 2011 at 11:26 am

True fact: Near the end of World War II, the Red Army was closing in on Berlin. The Nazis had almost no forces left to stop them. It was hopeless (if you're a Nazi). So Hitler promotes Major Spitsbrain (or whatever his name was) and orders him to defend Berlin. This dimwit is happy! He calls all his friends and family, bragging about his promotion and what an honor it was and so on. A few days later Berlin was captured. No word on what happened to that "No. 2".

weejee August 27, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Seems the only bullish jobs market is for hitbots. Badda bing, badda kaboom.

Today we are all R2D2.

gullywompr August 27, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Number nine, number nine, number nine…

smokefilleddoommate August 27, 2011 at 7:20 pm

So we still have a whole deck to go, right? Was this guy the two of clubs or hearts?

ttommyunger August 27, 2011 at 7:20 pm

So we killed Robert Wagner? Jeez, he was a lousy actor and lately a shill for rip-off mortgages, but killing him? Kind of harsh, dudes.

El Pinche August 27, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Never forget Hart to Hart …there's a circle of Hell reserved for that shiite.

donner_froh August 27, 2011 at 7:24 pm

When a devout Muslim is killed in Jihad and he is also a member of Al Qaeda he not only goes to Jannah where everyone is happy , without hurt, sorrow, fear or shame and where every wish is fulfilled, but he also gets that sought after posthumous promotion to second in command of Al Qaeda.

x111e7thst August 27, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Was there no wedding to death-drone? Has New York's gay marriage law ruined the weddings of jihadists the same way it has destroyed the heretofore rock solid wedded bliss of various Repuke politicians?

Come here a minute August 27, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Well obviously several dozen wedding guests were killed, collateral damagewise.

El Pinche August 27, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Besides shit on America and fucking around on a ranch , what did Dubya do again? Looks like Barry is taking care of business .

Jukesgrrl August 28, 2011 at 2:01 am

He keeps reminding us he "kept us safe." I await his reminder that we never had an earthquake and a hurricane in the same week in the nation's capital when he was president.

DahBoner August 27, 2011 at 8:46 pm

They're working their way up the Al Qaeda organization chart, until they get up to Dick Cheney..

Weenus299 August 27, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Must be the HR Director. Once you kill one of those, however, seven more arrive to take his place.

Troubledog August 27, 2011 at 8:51 pm

So who was it? Tom Arnold?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmJKY59NX8o

Also, in before Eyepatch Vladimir Putin.

Troubledog August 27, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Eyepatch Vladimir Putin http://i.imgur.com/3rqLD.jpg

TalkieToaster2 August 27, 2011 at 11:30 pm

How many more Friedman units will we need to "win" the "war on terror"?

Noitzie August 27, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Do you commenters not understand snark? This guy was not the "assistant CFO",
that's Wonkette snark. Whether he's as important as they say or not is another thing —

natoslug August 27, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Fuck me. I forgot to pick out my tenth anniversary WOT gift. My wife's going to go jihad on my ass. Are claymores the traditional 10th for this?

Negropolis August 27, 2011 at 11:51 pm

This is like whack-a-mole, except with Stinger and Hellfire missiles, and that you actually destroy the moles, and that you spend a lot more money and actual people's lives to whack the mole.

BTW, Barry is winding down the fully-out military war against Al Qaeda. Now, we'll have to be the ones to defend against the war on our civil liberties perpetuated by power (right, left and otherwise), and maybe launch a few legislative and legal offenses if we (liberals) ever get a influential voice in the government, again.

Thurman Munster IV August 28, 2011 at 12:01 am

I think he was assistant to the regional manager, which sucks for him since we thought he was the regional manager

rahelio August 28, 2011 at 12:06 am

Calm Down, Ken! You're gonna start sounding as crazy as Glenn Greenwald.

owhatever August 28, 2011 at 12:29 am

Eric Cantor will not approve launching any more drones to kill al Qaeda numbers until we can find budget offsets to pay for the attack … like that useless National Weather Service. People are smart enough to know it's raining without having some damn gummint bureaucrat scientist telling them so.

OneDollarJuana August 28, 2011 at 11:07 am

Presidential "candidate" Rick Santorum beat him to it.

BarackMyWorld August 28, 2011 at 12:31 am
Ken Layne August 28, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Oh good god, I have never encountered the stop-motion stormtrooper action figures break dancing to the Look Sir, Droids scene …. bookmarked for posterity.

Dr_pangloss August 28, 2011 at 7:19 am

I'm wondering what the cost benefit analysis is for each Al Quida member we bump off. It's gotta be in millions.

OneDollarJuana August 28, 2011 at 11:03 am

We have killed so many #2 Al Qaedans that I'm beginning to wonder how high the terrists can count.

Terry August 28, 2011 at 1:03 pm

He probably thought he was safe. It's usually the Al Qaeda #3 who is killed about once a month.

Schmegeg August 28, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Group term life insurance would be a tough thing to underwrite for the AQ leadership.

Slim_Pickins August 28, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Saturday evening coverage! Wow, Wonkette has gone CCN/Fox Style 24/7!

RadioIrene August 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Call me what you will, but that kind of Management-Theory-du joir- speak is way more painful and terrorizing than any remote fear of desert rats with boxcutters and AK-47's.

Rotundo_ August 27, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Too true, especially being stuck in a room full of managerial bots being lectured on the virtues of it. Not as bad as waterboarding, but it will leave you scarred nonetheless. The consultants always seemed like professor Henry Higgins of "The Music Man" fame and the results always felt like the kids music.

RadioIrene August 27, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Sincere, and snark free, thanks man. That I am not the only one who appreciates the inanity and "enhanced interrogation" aspect of this ugly facet of capitalism. And further, the Robert Prescient Preston observation was outstanding.

poncho_pilot August 28, 2011 at 2:31 am
Negropolis August 28, 2011 at 12:14 am

That said, I won't refuse a Tali-bon-bon if offered to me, nor will I turn away a Chocolate Mosul.

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