WHAT'S YOUR DESTRUCTION THEME SONG?  11:27 am August 26, 2011

Eric Cantor Will Just Say It Already: No Hurricane Relief Without Cuts

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

future screen grabs from next mondayWelcome to Hurricane Irene’s “Rapture Part 2!” Haha, does anyone ever get the feeling that the news media is praying for the apocalyptic demise of America’s populous cities harder than Pat Buchanan? We read the news this morning (especially this one, with a message of doom from space) and concluded that we are all going to die this weekend. Nice (?) knowing everybody? Make your preparations! Vacationer-in-chief Barack Obama looked up from his golf game long enough to declare North Carolina a federal disaster area, governors up and down the coasts are also declaring states of emergency, and the mayor of D.C. is handing out, uh, a few sandbags if anyone wants one. Eric Cantor, fresh off his endearing statement that Virginia earthquake damage sufferers can lick his saggy nuts, will make his preparations by saving everyone a few minutes of their last few hours on Earth and tell them right now he won’t support hurricane relief without MOAR BUDGET CUTZ. He’s consistent!

From TPMDC:

Looks like House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) will extend his requirement that federal disaster relief be paid for by cutting spending elsewhere in the budget to Hurricane Irene.

“We aren’t going to speculate on damage before it happens, period,” his spokesperson Laena Fallon emails. “But, as you know, Eric has consistently said that additional funds for federal disaster relief ought to be offset with spending cuts.”

This isn’t just to lay a honeytrap for Cantor. Human toll aside, hurricane damage can be veryexpensive, and if against all hope Irene hits hard, this sort of parameter could put a severe dent in federal programs that are already stretched quite thin.

It’s cool. Jesus has been waiting to start over with the East Coast for a while now, anyway. [TPMDC]

 
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{ 258 comments }

Barb August 26, 2011 at 11:28 am

Oh good Christians! Embrace this hurricane as a sign of God's being cheesed off about a gay, Muslim man who has had an abortion. Channel your inner "Martha Stewart" and think of it as an early Christmas. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house, so why not decorate it!

LabRodent August 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

Its a GOOD thing!

Barb August 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

Great news! Celine Dion has been dispatched to help and in the areas that need to be evacuated, she should be able to drive the people out with just two songs.
Goodnight Irene!

justkillmenow August 26, 2011 at 11:33 am

Get Kenny G to go along on that trip and the place will be cleared in seconds flat.

DustBowlBlues August 26, 2011 at 11:51 am

I completely agree with both of you. Sat through 15 minutes of KG at the old Kingdom one night when he played the national anthem before a ball game. It was like that old Simpson's episode, totally.

My husband, who's rather ignorant of pop culture (if you can call it culture) was at his downtown firestation when a guy came in to ask directions, ending with the totally unnecessary unless you want to impress a fool words, "I'm driving Kenny G."

Firefighter Hubby's response? "Kennygee who?" because he was actually curious about this person with the funny first name who seemed to not need a last name.

V572 T-Blow August 26, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Don't tell him about Sting or Bono then.

Lascauxcaveman August 26, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Kenny G, that name rings a bell. Didn't that guy play sax for the seminal seventies Seattle funk group Cold, Bold & Together? I knew I'd heard his name somewhere.

Those guys were pretty good.

CapeClod August 26, 2011 at 11:57 am

Her rendition of "God Bless America." is enough to produce madness in lab animals.

johnnymeatworth August 26, 2011 at 11:31 am

I love the smell of budget cuts in the morning….

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

Irene don't surf!

DashboardBuddha August 26, 2011 at 11:50 am

Fuck that Irene…bitch don't surf 'cuz bitch makes surf!

Clancy_Pants August 26, 2011 at 11:48 am

Hey, man, you don't talk to Mr. Cantor. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll… uh… well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you"… I mean I'm… no, I can't… I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's… he's a great man!

DashboardBuddha August 26, 2011 at 11:51 am

So long as we get to watch as Martin Sheen cuts his head off.

johnnymeatworth August 26, 2011 at 11:52 am

Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Cantor got out of the boat–he split from the whole fuckin' program.

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 12:02 pm

What the hell do you know about disaster relief, Congressman? You're from goddamned Virginia!

LabRodent August 26, 2011 at 11:32 am

This just In. In non-hurricane related news, Eric Cantor is still a Dick. More on this breaking story at 5.

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

The National Whiner Service has upgraded Eric Cantor to a Category 5 Dick. Residents of areas in his path are warned to take appropriate precautions.

V572 T-Blow August 26, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Ear plugs? Spam blockers?

Fare la Volpe August 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Overpriced beef and cheese buffets.

OneDollarJuana August 26, 2011 at 12:20 pm

The NWS also points out that while there may still be some debate over the exact causes, there has been an ongoing increase in the number and intensity of Dicks in the Red states.

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 12:31 pm

WorldNet Daily has issued a report declaring that humans do not cause Global Dickishness.

Terry August 26, 2011 at 12:15 pm

It'd be nice if a certain district in rural Virginia launched a recall campaign.

Radiotherapy® August 26, 2011 at 12:53 pm

The Radio's storm tracking model predicted this post and Eric Cantor is a dick joke as well.
I know, I know, "Hey, how about that."

nounverb911 August 26, 2011 at 11:33 am

Who will be primary challenger next year?

Eve8Apples August 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

Anyone named Irene would get my vote.

SpurningBeer August 26, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Irene Ryan? I hear deceased actors are well regarded in Repubican circles.

baconzgood August 26, 2011 at 11:34 am

We are not going to give disaster relief to anybody until we deeply cut disaster relief programs.

poncho_pilot August 26, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Joseph Heller would be proud.

Arken August 26, 2011 at 11:34 am

Makes sense. When my house burned down, I stopped buying food until I could afford a new one.

ph7 August 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

Everyone just needs to lift their flattened homes up by the bootstrap.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 26, 2011 at 12:17 pm

It's all right, as the fire department won't try to save your house until they find budget cuts in other areas.

DaRooster August 26, 2011 at 11:34 am

Irene ain't nothing compared to the shit storm them Repugnants are packin'.

Indiepalin August 26, 2011 at 11:34 am

Just cut the funding to NPR and that will pay for a few sandbags for Cantor to put around his estate. And a few strands of barbed wire. Also.

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

Representative Cantor's methods have become…unsound.

Chet Kincaid August 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

Send Charlie Sheen to terminate his command with extreme prejudice.

OneDollarJuana August 26, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Have Emilio Estevez drive over and have Cantor look in his trunk.

GorzoTheMighty August 26, 2011 at 2:41 pm

What are they gonna say about him? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man!

SorosBot August 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

Well as long as the rich don't have to pay slightly higher taxes it's OK to to let everyone else suffer.

DoktorThompson August 26, 2011 at 11:42 am

Well as long as the rich don't have to pay slightly higher taxes it's OK to to let everyone else suffer for freedom and Jesus and the troops.

That, my friend, is what you might call an unassailable argument.

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 11:44 am

"Never get out of the yacht." Absolutely goddamn right!

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 26, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Thank the gods that the rich can pay for the damage from the hurricane out of their own pockets.

FNMA August 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

I just read that the mayor of Ocean City, Md., has banned the sale of alcohol.
We are all going to die.

V572 T-Blow August 26, 2011 at 12:02 pm

C'mon, as if Ocean City had a government…

ph7 August 26, 2011 at 12:08 pm

The mayor of OC will get my bottle of Ketel One when he peels my cold, dead, jaundiced fingers from its neck.

SorosBot August 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Aren't alcohol sales the entire economy of Ocean City, Md? Well I guess there's also vomit-inducing rides.

Guppy06 August 26, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Just wants to make sure the liquor stores are nice and full when the looting starts.

Lascauxcaveman August 26, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Well, I don't know if "we're all" gonna die, but for sure, someone's gonna kill that mayor.

OneDollarJuana August 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm

No law agin givin' it away, though.

Sharkey August 26, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Well then I'll just have to drink ocean water. What's that you say? Oh.

gullywompr August 26, 2011 at 9:25 pm

I was in OC when the mayor banned alcohol sales. So I evacuated. Well played sir, well played.

hollywooddood August 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

Maybe now the little people will see him for the moronic idealogue he really is and someone will smack the dick out of his mouth.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 1:03 pm

OT, but did Newt Gingrich really stare at your tits? Being as you're a dood and everything.

SpurningBeer August 26, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Typo. It should read, "I met Newt Gingrich once and stared at his tits."

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 1:25 pm

He's got a pretty impressive pair o' moobs, does Newt.

hollywooddood August 26, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Actually, I'm not a dude, I'm a chick with amazing, perky tits. He spoke at a health IT conference I attended and after his presentation he walked over to me and said, "Hi, I'm Newt", and stared at my tits as he made small talk.

HistoriCat August 26, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Must have been during Callista's cancer scare.

Jukesgrrl August 26, 2011 at 5:27 pm

And he didn't even offer to buy you a bauble from Tiffany's?

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Oh, now he's gone and ruined it for all of us. I bet you're not about to invite any of us over for a close-up look at those amazing perkies.

Newt, you dipshit, this is all your fault.

Was Callista there, or was Newt off-leash for the day?

nounverb911 August 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

"Eric Cantor (R-VA) will extend his requirement that federal disaster relief be paid for by cutting spending elsewhere in the budget to Hurricane Irene."
Lets start with your staff, salary and the Norfolk naval bases, oh and your taxpayer paid boondoggles to the promised land too.

Slim_Pickins August 26, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Why would Cantor want to go Israel? He's not even a Christian!

Rotundo_ August 26, 2011 at 4:32 pm

I think teeing up on whacking our subsidies to Israel and shutting down all military activity (except for the national guard) in Virginia would be a great start. There has to be some other stuff Eric likes that can be sacrificed, maybe turn over the house cafeteria service to Burger King, make him lease his parking space,

DaRooster August 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

“We aren’t going to speculate on damage before it happens, period,…"

So yep, just sit around… maybe go to the beach so you are not inundated with said speculation… please.

DoktorThompson August 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

"But, as you know, Eric has consistently said that additional funds for federal disaster relief ought to be offset with spending cuts."

Bless Eric Cantor's heart. This reminds me of the time my grandfather had a heart attack and I refused to take him to the hospital until he offset his budget with spending cuts. And did you guys realize funerals aren't even free?!

FNMA August 26, 2011 at 11:39 am

Funeral? What, they don't have big-item pickup in your neighborhood?

DoktorThompson August 26, 2011 at 11:44 am

"Bring out your dead!"

EatsBabyDingos August 26, 2011 at 11:46 am

"Bring out your dead…bring out your dead"
"I'm not dead. I'm feeling better, Mr. Cantor!" WHAP! Just like Monty Python.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I'd pay money to see ^^ this version.

DustBowlBlues August 26, 2011 at 11:54 am

Is congress supposed to debate this, when they come back from vaca, while people suffer the aftermath of what has potential to be a disaster?

Clancy_Pants August 26, 2011 at 11:37 am

The horror… the horror…

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 11:57 am

The Koch whore…The Koch whore…

Eve8Apples August 26, 2011 at 11:37 am

The hurricane won't make landfall if we cut the capital gains tax for millionaires and billionaires. They're weathercreators.

freakishlywrong August 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

President Cantor, (R-Twatwaffle), can suck my dick. And I'm a girl.

Barb August 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

The people in Cantor's district should prepare for the storm by nailing plywood to his mouth, gateway to hell that it is.

Maman August 26, 2011 at 3:33 pm

President? With his attitude he isn't going to be in Congress. You know why? His constituents love his tough talk, but not about them.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

Never get out of the boat.
~

nounverb911 August 26, 2011 at 11:43 am

We're gonna need a bigger boat?

BarackMyWorld August 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

There was a time in this country an asshole like this would be thrown out of office. That time was right before the Tea Party showed up and everyone lost their shit.

SorosBot August 26, 2011 at 11:46 am

There was a time someone who is this much of an asshole would be literally thrown out of office; maybe the time for defenestration has come again.

freakishlywrong August 26, 2011 at 11:52 am

Could not agree more. Since when is it ok to deny the welfare of citizens NOT gross negligence?

Rotundo_ August 26, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I guess I look at it this way, when *their* district is rubble, it will be great fun to smile and vote "nay" to help them out. If you elect a dick to represent you, you should probably expect to be treated in kind in your hour of need. This gets down to basic human decency and if the person *your district* selected as the best representative of the people in *your district* is like Eric, get ready for the long knives in your backs. Elections really do have consequences.

mog253 August 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

Taking a quick brake from packing, battening down the hatches and stashing the lawn furniture (already went to the liquor store), to say that Eric can kiss the fattest part of my ass. also.

nounverb911 August 26, 2011 at 11:42 am

Stay dry Mog!

elviouslyqueer August 26, 2011 at 11:55 am

Four words: Shelley Winters, Poseidon Adventure.

Lascauxcaveman August 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm

What, did they use her for a life raft or something?

OneDollarJuana August 26, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Gave upskirt photography a bad rep.

elviouslyqueer August 26, 2011 at 12:38 pm
mog253 August 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Hmm, I'm an old, fat former swimmer, so that fits. Hey, she died in that movie! Thanks.

elviouslyqueer August 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Oh, look on the bright side. You too can be memorialized by Mario Cantone. So win-win!

mog253 August 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Perfect! I hadn't thought of that. I can go shake Cosmos with confidence now. Glub.

ProudLibunatic August 26, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Uncanny impressions!
Love him! Saw him in "Assassins," and he was riveting.

(Have you ever seen Kevin Spacey do impressions?)

poncho_pilot August 26, 2011 at 11:40 am

what are you? some kind of socialist? money is always more important than people. always.

user-of-owls August 26, 2011 at 11:40 am

NY Post:

CANTOR TO EAST COAST: DROP DEAD

mog253 August 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm

He needs a long walk off a short jetty – in NC.

ph7 August 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

Cantor upgraded to a Category 5 Asshole

mog253 August 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Well, he certainly blows.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 7:31 pm

And sucks.

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

What are they gonna say about Eric Cantor? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man!

EatsBabyDingos August 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

I will be doing the Welfare Pours: a shot of Ripple every time Fox News says "tax cuts will rebuild the nation," or some sorry variation thereof. I will be drunk very soon.

Oh, and Mom, if you are reading this, why are you still in Morehead City?

ifthethunderdontgetya August 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

What are they gonna say about Cantor? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man!
~

Chet Kincaid August 26, 2011 at 11:43 am

pwned by Zoom!

ifthethunderdontgetya August 26, 2011 at 12:06 pm

And he even made the extra effort to type in "Eric".

I'll get you, Doktor Zoom. And your little dog, too!

P.S. Oh man… the bullshit piled up so fast in Vietnam Virginia, you needed wings to stay above it.

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

Ha! My IMDB copypasta beat your IMDB copypasta by 30 seconds!

fartknocker August 26, 2011 at 11:42 am

Snark off: If Eric spent 96 hours with a FEMA Urban Search and Rescue (USAR) team, his fucking pious attitude towards disasters would change.

Since he doesn't have the balls to play on the ground with the law enforcement/fire service/EMS folks, I hope Kourtney will take her vegetable object and shove it into Cantor's rectum without any foreplay or lubrication.

OneDollarJuana August 26, 2011 at 11:46 am

Eric Cantor could spend the rest of his life doing rescue, and he would still be a heartless bastard. It is clear that the current crop of right-wing leadership has no compassion, sympathy, or empathy for anyone. Oh yes, I must also include the current right-wing followership, too.

mog253 August 26, 2011 at 2:33 pm

You're describing my neighbor who doesn't believe in welfare, disabliity, charity or ever giving the poorz an even break. Explains the increase in my alcohol consumption.

Eve8Apples August 26, 2011 at 11:48 am

I'm so glad you put Kourtney and her vegetable to good use. Although I suspect Eric would enjoy being ass-raped by an enormous cucumber.

Crank_Tango August 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

sideways, also.

widestanceshakedown August 26, 2011 at 11:59 am

Before, during or after he finishes crapping out his broken teeth? I'm fine with any of these options.

Update: I know I have posted about Cantor crapping out broken teeth several times, but it's all I can think about when I see that smug grin.

jodyleek August 26, 2011 at 12:01 pm

For Cantor's piousness to be swayed by the human condition in the face of natural disaster, he would need to have a heart and/or soul. I am not holding out any hope for either.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I would volunteer to buy her an ax-handle, if the vegetable suffered any, um, untoward results. Also, too.

edgydrifter August 26, 2011 at 11:43 am

Because there's nothing–nothing–in the Constitution about the federal government promoting the general welfare of the United States and it's people. You want that shit, you write the check up-front. To Eric Cantor, ideally.

MildMidwesterner August 26, 2011 at 11:44 am

I propose paying for repairs by cutting the funding for levy construction.

edgydrifter August 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

Or the National Weather Service, because people killed by storms they didn't know were coming don't make disaster-relief property claims.

DoktorThompson August 26, 2011 at 11:59 am

Also those weather radars are performing MIND CONTROL, man

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 26, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Heck, let's just cut off all funds for beach erosion in the Carolinas. Then we can put that money into rebuilding houses. Come on Kantor, make your choice, tourism or people having houses.

nounverb911 August 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

Hurricanes are people too, my friends.

user-of-owls August 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

Hey filthyweasel, you know what would be an ur-ironic place to slash and burn as an offset to the predicted biblical devastation costs?

Those parasites over at the National Weather Service.

Goonemeritus August 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

Might I suggest this should be the way we handle all DOD requests for funding. I’m sorry I can’t fund that new weapon system, look at those B1 bombers I bought you they just sit there you hardly ever play with them.

SorosBot August 26, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Or "Maybe you should have made sure those F-35s could actually fly before you bought them."

mog253 August 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm

But Mom, all the kids are getting a new weapon system.

El Pinche August 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

Just ban more gay marriage and turn out more anti-union laws..you know, good GOP principles. This should help the victims.

fuflans August 26, 2011 at 12:43 pm

well and cut taxes on the job creators as well. that always helps.

Buzz Feedback August 26, 2011 at 11:47 am

The congressional salary/health care/pension system seems like a good place to cut.

comrad_darkness August 26, 2011 at 12:06 pm

They should not be paid more, nor provided with better benefits than, the median family in America. They should have all access to their personal fortunes blocked for the duration of their service. You know how fast shit for the middle class would get fixed?

SayItWithWookies August 26, 2011 at 11:48 am

How does Eric Cantor do it? Without a tophat, black cape and handlebar mustache, that is.

Mumbletypeg August 26, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Enter your Destruction theme song:

"I’m steppin’ out, my dear
To breathe an atmosphere that simply reeks with class impunity;
And I trust that you’ll excuse my dust when I step on the gas your dignity"♪
–Fred Astaire, Top Hat

SayItWithWookies August 26, 2011 at 1:38 pm

"Only mad dogs and socialists
Apply for emergency funds."

Mumbletypeg August 26, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Had never heard it (the original you've referenced) before. Utterly charming, that Noel Coward is.

ThundercatHo August 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

I used to live in his district and every time I saw his weasely face I just wanted to smack the shit out of it. Neither time nor distance has diminished my longing to just bitchslap him 'til my arms get tired.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Just remember, you have TWO LEGS as well. Just because your arms are tired doesn't mean you don't get to kick his nuts till your legs are tired, too.

Chet Kincaid August 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

Since he has already done so figuratively, I would love to see footage of Cantor literally jumping a shark when Irene makes landfall.

HistoriCat August 26, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Especially if he doesn't quite make it.

Sharkey August 26, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I'll be right here waiting.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Something tells me your popularity on teh Wonketz would soar.

Doktor Zoom August 27, 2011 at 3:06 am

It's Sharkey's night. It's Sharkey's night tonight.

MichelesPantalones August 27, 2011 at 3:24 am

Oh the shark has
pretty teeth dear
And he shows them
pearly white

Ducksworthy August 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

Would someone just put Eric Cantor in a small boat and shove it out into Chesapeake Bay already?

GorzoTheMighty August 26, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I agree, he needs to sleep with the crabs.

glamourdammerung August 26, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Federal water pollution laws prohibit that.

HistoriCat August 26, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Damned EPA regulations!

glamourdammerung August 26, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Well, there is that "REINS" act nonsense that is going to be taken up when Congress comes back from hiding from their constituents, er recess.

mayor_quimby August 26, 2011 at 10:22 pm

The crabs will have the shits for WEEKS to come….
And think of the lake trout!

MichelesPantalones August 27, 2011 at 1:19 am

Well, I guess I didn't really want sushi for dinner.

Crank_Tango August 26, 2011 at 11:50 am

Unsurprisingly, Eric Cantor was found to have stock in disasters.

freakishlywrong August 26, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Or "Hurricane and earthquake insurance".

elviouslyqueer August 26, 2011 at 11:51 am

Dear Virginia:

Sucks to be you.

Love,

New Orleans

weejee August 26, 2011 at 11:51 am

While Cantor fiddles and Irene churns, his fellow no-so-hung gun Paul Ryan is hiding from his righteously riotous constituents.

SorosBot August 26, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Go Wisconsinites!

poncho_pilot August 26, 2011 at 12:20 pm

"In an August 18 statement, Ryan said, 'I pride myself on being accessible to those I represent.'" (emphasis mine)

which is why he will no longer meet with the regular people in his district unless they buy a ticket.

DustBowlBlues August 26, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Is the WH completely oblivious to the mood among their "base" in the hinterlands, ready to march or protest or attend town halls? Or are they too committed to raising unlimited money from Wall Street douchebags to notice what's going on in what should be their grassroots. Noticeably, his fancy bus skipped Wisconsin when he did his heartland tour. Probably because the cheese isn't fried.

Lascauxcaveman August 26, 2011 at 11:51 am

I'm totally with Cantor on this one. Why should we have federal funds going to disaster relief? You KNOW all that money is just going to wasted on construction, road building, landscaping, cleaning services, and local stores that provide remodeling and home furnishings.

A much better use of those funds would be to give the JOB CREATORS another tax cut so they can create more jobs.

PubOption August 26, 2011 at 12:27 pm

We can't have federal funds going to construction, landscaping and cleaning, and therefore supporting the illegal Mexicans.

mog253 August 26, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Buying furniture, restocking the pantry, replacing clothes, yeah we can't have that. The local small owners would hate it.

Mumbletypeg August 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

the mayor of D.C. is handing out, uh, a few sandbags if anyone wants one.

Bummer. I thought I'd read "handbags." Mine is just about due for a replacement.

donner_froh August 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

If we cut taxes on the richest and most able to afford to provide additional revenue, will all the hurricanes and earthquakes go away?

hagajim August 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

Cantor….rhymes with Cunt – or.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

Does this guy have any friends?
I hope his flood insurance expired.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I hope it expires right before the hurricane hits.

CapeClod August 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

Here's a way to pay for disaster relief. Let the northeast states keep all the tax revenue they generate and cut off the government welfare that goes to the south and Alaska. How's that for budget balancing, you miserable, chicken-shit, tantrum thrower?

Chet Kincaid August 26, 2011 at 12:19 pm

God-damned right. Off New England's tit, shitkickers and moosefuckers!!

widestanceshakedown August 26, 2011 at 11:54 am

It would be so sad if one of his constituents left homeless by Irene made the first cut to Cantor's jugular. So sad.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I must purchase lace-edged lawn handkerchiefs to commemorate Teh Sad.

mog253 August 26, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I can haz that sad.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Believe me, mog, I fervently pray (in my humbly atheistic way) that Irene leaves all Wonketteers safe and sound and concentrates on wiping out Assholes instead. Of which Eric Cuntor is a prime example. And I will share those handkerchiefs with you.

freakishlywrong August 26, 2011 at 11:54 am

The invisible hand needs to smack this sociopath right in the scrotii…

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Scrotum, scrotum
It's my wrinkly, crinkly bag of skin
Scrotum, scrotum
It's the thing I keep my testes in
Well, it's wrinkly and it's crinkly and it's covered in hair
And I don't know what I'd do if it wasn't there
Scrotum, scrotum

Asylum Street Spankers

Thurman Munster IV August 26, 2011 at 11:54 am

Hurricanes should be named after corporations. They wreak same amount of damage.

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 11:55 am

Hurricane Survivor: I expected someone like you… Are you a rescuer?

Cantor: I'm a statesman.

Hurricane Survivor: You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.

Mumbletypeg August 26, 2011 at 11:55 am

TAGGED: WHAT'S YOUR DESTRUCTION THEME SONG

How about: "Destruction-struction, what's your 'we'refucked'-tion"

ttommyunger August 26, 2011 at 11:55 am

Eric Cantor: waking up every day wondering: "How can I be a bigger Dick today than I was yesterday?". And yet, amazingly; he succeeds.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Why is this amazing? The guy was *born* to be a dick. Just look at that pinched face, those flat, dead eyes. You could just see him throwing Old Mrs. Henderson out of the nursing-home for inability to pay her bills.

ttommyunger August 26, 2011 at 7:12 pm

She could kick his ass, better he stick to kids and puppies.

bureaucrap August 26, 2011 at 11:57 am

Memo to Cantor: getting out of Iraq/Afghanistan/Somalia/ Pakistan/Yemen/ Libya/Germany/Italy/ Japan/Colombia/Korea/Guantanamo/Turkey etc. could rebuild Mineral, Va. exactly 3,453,571,876 times over.

DustBowlBlues August 26, 2011 at 11:57 am

Did Karl Rove send out a memo to all Republithugs that, when you say something completely dickish, never admit you were wrong or misquoted or whatever, just double down on it? Because his own, personal Frankenstein was elected to POTUS twice, mostly because the voters like that he had "conviction".

This has happened so many times–like people are corporations–oops, reverse that–that it seems like too much of a coincidence. This has to be a political strategist's advice.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Rove might have, but I think Cantor comes to this naturally.

Sue4466 August 26, 2011 at 11:58 am

Cantor's just trying to prove American really is exceptional: we won't help our hurricane victims unless we can fuck the poor some more first.

We really are a different kind of country.

qwerty42 August 26, 2011 at 11:58 am

I'm starting to worry about Kortney

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Why? Do you think she's about to leap out of her ad and ram that cucumber right up Cantor's wrinkly, saggy, flatulent little rectum? It's probably the closest the little bastard will ever get to a vegetable.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 26, 2011 at 11:59 am

Does Cantor place these same limits on the money we spend on wars?

bigdupa August 26, 2011 at 11:59 am

OK, Eric,

We can play that. For every dollar we spend on relief in the USA, we will have to take from aid to Israel. Your rules, dickhead. I'd rather see my tax dollars go to our people instead of paying for another rocket to be launched into a dirt shack on the West Bank.

If Israel has a problem with this logic, they know you to call, Rep. Cantor (A).

Irene vs. Israel

BaldarTFlagass August 26, 2011 at 12:06 pm

You should be Secretary of Fuck You Republicans.

fartknocker August 26, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Well said sir/madam.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:31 pm

What BaldarTFlagass just said.

comrad_darkness August 26, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Easy. Cut the welfare queen payments to the oil companies. That should cover it.

johnnyzhivago August 26, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Don't say nutin in the constitution about Hurricanes, do it?

GunToting[Redacted] August 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Earthquakes either! I've been trying to explain this to people, but they JUST DON'T LISTEN.

weejee August 26, 2011 at 12:09 pm

All you eastcoasters, after your swing by Home Despot for plywood don't forget the traditional Wonketteriat stops for liquor and ammo. (do click the clickie on the linky – one of Ken's best)

ingloriousbytch August 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm

But will the Dems have the sense to use Cantor's selfishness to their advantage? No. They should be prepared to go on every news program in existence and say the Repubs don't want to give emergency aid. They should buy commercial time and play ads of him and the rest of his teabagger cronies saying let them eat cake. But they won't. They'll cave.

Doktor Zoom August 26, 2011 at 12:15 pm

The heads. You're looking at the heads. Sometimes Rep. Cantor goes too far. He's the first one to admit it.

genxr August 26, 2011 at 12:26 pm

this is the way the world ends, man, not with a bang, but a tax cut.

freakishlywrong August 26, 2011 at 12:16 pm

This looks to be a pretty big storm. So, lotsa damage. So, the ransom will be either:
1. The fucking Ryan Plan.
2. The fucking BBA.

Guppy06 August 26, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Any superfluous military bases in his district?

Ducksworthy August 26, 2011 at 2:24 pm

All of them Katie.

Ramon X August 26, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I says we just stop the dole to a few of them welfare racoons. That ought to do it.

Ducksworthy August 26, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Goddamn coons.

thefrontpage August 26, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Don't forget to include all of these items in your Emergency Apocalyptical Freak-Out Stash (EAFS): Copies of the 2008 Democratic Party Platform; The 2011 Planned Parenthood Catalogue; DVD copies of "La Cage Aux Folles," "The Birdcage," and all of Barbra Striesand's movies; all of Liza Minnelli's movies; the 2011 PETA Platform; the 2011 Greenpeace Platform; copies of all of the court rulings in favor of the ACLU from the last 10 years; several copies of Playboy, Hustler and Penthouse; copies of Rolling Stone, Spin and the Onion; DVDS of "The Best of MSNBC," from the last five years;…

Chet Kincaid August 26, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Have studied your Oeuvre. I applaud your dedication to your "craft," but you are the boringest of trolls.

thefrontpage August 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Kincaid: What the hell was that for? We usually don't bash or negatively criticize others here. That was really rude–and un-called for. There's hundreds of people posting here, and comedy is often hit and miss. If you don't like something, then just move on. But you don't need to be posting rude, critical and negative comments here. Sometimes something is funny, and sometimes it's not. Comedy is not pretty.

Chet Kincaid August 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Nice try! Actually, bad try.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:34 pm

tl;dr

thefrontpage August 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm

…all of Al Franken's books; all of the published speeches, writings and legislation of Ted Kennedy, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Mac Mathias, Dennis Kucinich, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter; all of Barack Obama's speeches; plenty of Ben and Jerry's freeze-dried ice cream; plenty of organic, green-praised fruits and vegetables; copies of The Communist Manifesto; the Kinsey Report; the Master's and Johnson's reports; and plenty of informational reading from the AFL-CIO. That should keep people busy, informed and up-to-date and progressive during the coming zombie apocalypse!

GunToting[Redacted] August 26, 2011 at 1:51 pm

"Comedy is not pretty." Sometimes it's not funny, either…

You do know that Ben & Jerry's is owned by those giant hippies Unilever, right? The rest of your laundry list just makes no sense. Give it another go, will you?

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Oh, geez, don't encourage it. It's boring AND stupid. (I can put up with one or the other, but not both at the same time.)

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:34 pm

tl; dr

genxr August 26, 2011 at 12:25 pm

You can have money for disaster relief, they just have to be offset with equal cuts in disaster relief. If you want to spend money rescuing someone, you must be offset the cost by leaving them to die.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 26, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Cantor is just being true to his beliefs. After all, God refused to rebuild Sodom and Gomorrah because they refused to make off setting cuts in social services.

jus_wonderin August 26, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Yes, this will work well.

Like the time a tree limb blew through the picture window. Yes, I said, "Kids, we will not get this fixed until we have cash or if we can cut the cost out of our are spending. So, don't worry about varmits getting in as you sleep and knawing off your head. Now, bring me a beer, dammit!!"

Eve8Apples August 26, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Eric won't rest until Congress' 87% disapproval rating hits at least 95%. The man is an overachiever.

widestanceshakedown August 26, 2011 at 12:33 pm

No food, water, blankets or assistance will be dispensed until we pass a constitutional amendment banning 'uncertainty,' to unleash the praaavit sector's job-creatin' magic.

poncho_pilot August 26, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Pravit? sounds foreign to me. we outsourced jobs and job creation, didn't we?

not that Dewey August 26, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Republican Disaster Relief Plan:

Part 1. Don't get in a hurricane.
Part 2. If you do get in a hurricane,…
Part 3. Die quickly

freakishlywrong August 26, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Alan?

gullywompr August 26, 2011 at 9:36 pm

win.

fuflans August 26, 2011 at 12:46 pm

lay a honeytrap for Cantor

i hope it's a honeytrap with honey badger.

genxr August 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm

honey badger doesn't give a fuck. Honey badger is like "fuck you eric cantor." Then eric cantor is like, "thanks for the budget cuts, asshole."

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Somehow I get the feeling honey badger will get the better deal out of this. Also, sad about Eric Cantor's untimely passing, but didn't anybody tell him, honey badger don't give a shit?

spinozasgod August 26, 2011 at 1:00 pm

the hurricane will not have much impact on CANTors district so sticking to his guns should come easy.

Rayn_And August 26, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Buy the ticket: Take the ride. Vote for Cantor: Tighten the sphincter.

Slim_Pickins August 26, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Hey West Coast, how many times have you had an earthquake and a hurricane in the same week? Wimps!

north_of_moscow August 26, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Eric Cantor does not care about people.

spinozasgod August 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

or puppies….

BTWBFDIMHO August 26, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Of course, because people are not corporations.

SpurningBeer August 26, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Oh, it's Irene!

I thought it was strange to name a storm "Irie."

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 1:11 pm

OT, but Peggington Noonington has a WSJ piece up today about Rick Perry's hairy nip-nips scaring away voters.

HistoriCat August 26, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I never ever want to hear about Rick Perry's nip-nips again, OK?

widestanceshakedown August 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

How about Peg's?

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Oh, now, Rick's moobs ain't anywhere *near* as aesthetically unpleasing as Peggington Noonington's.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:55 pm

OK. Gee, people are awfully sensitive about having to look at Ol Rick's saggy, hairy moobs.

mayor_quimby August 26, 2011 at 10:17 pm

What the Fucking fuck? I was gonna jack off tonight, but that is fucking off the table. Thanks! I don't even want to click that link, I already found out, against my will, what a colonial soldier was tonight.
Why does Teh Wonkett hate erections??

MichelesPantalones August 27, 2011 at 1:36 am

Wow. Dayum, mayor_quimby, y'awl sure don't like Rick Perry's nip-nips, huh? Off to urbandictionary to find out what is a colonial soldier.

Wilcoxyz August 26, 2011 at 1:15 pm

GOP fail. Storms are job creators. Someone has to fix all that shit. I know storms aren't corporations, but they are named, just like people. Can we at least offer Irene some tax credits? Otherwise the next storm is going to go to Mexico.

johnnyzhivago August 26, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I hope these socialists are at least CHARGING for the sandbags.

LiveToServeYa August 26, 2011 at 1:22 pm

He's right. We shouldn't pay for disaster relief until we gain the needed funds by selling the organs of select members of congress.

spinozasgod August 26, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Eric Cantor: we could use welfare recipients as sand bags…….a jobs program even a conservative can love…….

Steverino247 August 26, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Never get off the fucking budget.

Absolutely goddamn right.

genxr August 26, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Hey everyone, I just had a great idea where to put that libertarian floating city with no building codes.

poncho_pilot August 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Cantor's going to need a bigger assho…oh.

you meant somewhere in the watery wasteland that the East Coast will become. carry on.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 6:59 pm

S/he did? I just assumed we were referring to Cantor's already enormous asshole. What about it, Wah-Poo? Does Eric Cantor have a HUGE opening, too?

poncho_pilot August 26, 2011 at 8:38 pm

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into Eric Cantor's enormous asshole, Eric Cantor's enormous asshole gazes also into you." –Friedrich Nietzsche

MichelesPantalones August 27, 2011 at 1:37 am

Oh, christ, now I really despise Nietzsche with a passion. I'll be dreaming of falling into Eric Cuntor's enormous asshole all night long. Gazing at me, like a sinister, brown Eye of Sauron. Fuck.

SilverTsunami August 26, 2011 at 1:32 pm

I agree with Cantor. We need to make cuts. Lets stop subsidizing billionaires.

HarryButtle August 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Hurricane schmurricane! If I say its safe to surf this beach, then its safe to surf this beach! I mean, I'm not afraid to surf this place, I'll surf this whole fucking place!

Tommmcatt August 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Fuck it, let's just have a bake sale. Grandma can embroider tea towels and sell those.

Get creative, people! The government is for bailing out banks ONLY!

El Pinche August 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm

But just think about all those dead poor people afterwards. The GOP is already planning their Koch-funded post-hurricane celebration.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Ah b'leev the GOP insured them for huge amounts of money, and stands to rake in billyuns and billyuns of dollars.

Troglodeity August 26, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Well, it's a good thing we had the Bush Tax Cuts these past ten years. Otherwise just IMAGINE the hurt we'd be in.

BTWBFDIMHO August 26, 2011 at 2:10 pm

John Boehner, after the hurricane has passed: I got 98% of what I expected from this storm.

BTWBFDIMHO August 26, 2011 at 2:27 pm

How many American billionaires are willing to pay more taxes to fund an emergency like this? (Not to mention the economic emergency). They did it in France, a la Buffett, and signed a petition.
It may be a way to try to shut motherfuckers like Cantor up.

owhatever August 26, 2011 at 3:05 pm

I want to see Eric Cantor outdoors in the middle of the hurricane force winds and rain, being interviewed by a TV weatherchick, and explaining why the he ain't gonna do shit to help. Tea Party types will applaud while their Hoverounds float away.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 7:01 pm

^^ This.

poorgradstudent August 26, 2011 at 3:08 pm

He really is a flesh-and-blood Dickens villain, only he needs a name like Eric Killpoor.

Come here a minute August 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Someone needs to tell these fuckwits that the federal government can borrow money for FREE because of the current low interest rates. If the economy ever comes back and we have reasonable (pre-Bush) tax rates, the debt will be paid off, and if there's a reasonable amount of inflation, we'll have made money on the debt.

Yeah, I know, they don't know, don't care.

Ramon X August 26, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Do Cantor and the rest of the Koch suckers have life insurance on all the peasants that are going to die this weekend when their hovels get washed away? Rick Perry has insurance on dead teachers.

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Probably. Wut? You know if there's money to be made they'll be first in line. I'm surprised Cantor hasn't already proposed selling any dead victims by the pound as "SOYlent Green Protein Packages."

Jukesgrrl August 26, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Maybe he could sell the naming rights to Williamsburg and Monticello. Bank of America's Founderville and Cialis Presents Jefferson's Love Nest, anyone?

DrLaserfalcon August 26, 2011 at 6:16 pm

For you stormchaser-rubberneckerrs, here is the absolute best collection of Irene videos as they are posted to the far corners of the internet. Great place to follow from:
http://www.frequency.com/topic/hurricane+irene

MichelesPantalones August 26, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Thank you. The President has asked everyone to take appropriate measures and FEMA is already standing by with supplies. Wow. What a difference from Katrina.

poncho_pilot August 27, 2011 at 4:05 am

unlike with a hurricane, there is no calm in that Eye. i imagine it's a lot like the tornado scene in The Wizard Of Oz…but different.

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