APOCALYPSE PORN  5:34 pm August 25, 2011

New York To Be Destroyed By Irene, To Celebrate Earthquake + 9/11

by Ken Layne


Gah what the hell, what is this? Oh, it’s pornography from The Weather Channel. Goodbye, Wall Street! So will The Hamptons be destroyed after this, somehow, or concurrently? “

Almost biblical proportions,” ha. But even The Weather Channel and The Hitler Channel could not come up with “East Coast Double Penetration Earthquake followed by hundred-year insane hurricane just before the 10th anniversary of 9/11.” Good thing the stock market collapse already happened (twice?). Be careful, everyone!

 
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{ 112 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] August 25, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I'll only start to worry if I see John Cusack run down the street and dive into a car.

Dr_Zoidberg August 25, 2011 at 6:04 pm

And a limousine, at that. I want to ride out the Apocalypse in style!

baconzgood August 25, 2011 at 6:42 pm

When I lived in Chi-Town I lived 3 doors from his sister. She borrowed my socket set and didn't return it. AND THAT'S WHY I'LL NEVER WATCH A JOAN CUSACK MOVIE EVER AGAIN!!!!!

nounverb911 August 25, 2011 at 5:37 pm

"So will The Hamptons be destroyed after this, somehow, or concurrently? “
Either one is fine with me just as long as Irene gets the job done.

Negropolis August 26, 2011 at 4:18 am

Well, what the good lord misses, we could certainly help completely, especially since we'll all have gone all Mad Max, afterwards. Imagine roving bands of displaced Park Slope hipsters, uncivilized by the storm, pillaging Long Island for necessities. A thing of beauty, it'd be.

Lucidamente1 August 25, 2011 at 5:38 pm

This is what happens when you let Rick Perry and 30,000 retards pray for rain in Texas.

mrpuma2u August 25, 2011 at 5:50 pm

OMIGOSH you are right! Perry prayed for water death of Wall street! Why does he hate Uhmehrika so much?!?!!?

fartknocker August 26, 2011 at 2:37 am

I had a strong laugh with this comment. My family and I in Austin applaud you.

Buzz Feedback August 25, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Wall Street underwater again?

jakegittes August 25, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Gonna need another bailout.

SorosBot August 25, 2011 at 5:40 pm

It's a hard rain gonna fall, that's for sure.

GunToting[Redacted] August 25, 2011 at 5:42 pm

As long as it washes the scum off The Street (Wall), I'm good with that.

fuflans August 26, 2011 at 1:27 am

thank god we've got a first world government and social safety net to pick up the pieces.

Chillwaver August 25, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Once again, this is good news for Rudy Giuliani.

Respitetini August 25, 2011 at 5:41 pm

We're okay in Jersey, though. We'll just all float to safety on our Governor.

Haha, just kidding. He only lets the rich ride on his fat cap.

nounverb911 August 25, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Is he even in state or did he take his family to Disney World again?

Respitetini August 25, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Hopefully he headed for the outer banks for a nice getaway.

LesBontemps August 25, 2011 at 5:55 pm

With any luck, the Marine Mammal Stranding Center in Brigantine is towing him out to sea.

hollywooddood August 25, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Too big to fail.

Nostrildamus August 25, 2011 at 5:41 pm

God, this is just like gay marriage!

weejee August 25, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Will they be cannon balling off the Chrysler Building? Maybe too far uptown, eh?

Negropolis August 26, 2011 at 4:23 am

Yeah, but I certainly suggest it to some of the bankers.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 25, 2011 at 5:44 pm

East Coast Double Penetration

Come on, don't be getting all jealous out there in the desert, Ken.
~

Indiepalin August 25, 2011 at 5:44 pm

All the animals come out at night.
Queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick venal.
Some day a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the streets.

KenLayIsAlive August 25, 2011 at 6:25 pm

That rain came, it was called gentrification.

Its a different kind of scum.

DemonicRage August 25, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Today we are all residents of famous Little Italy, now under water, in animation.

ProgressiveInga August 25, 2011 at 5:47 pm

You pinheads who attack me for this. Tide goes in, tide goes out, ok the moon does it. How'd it git dere?…….

JackObin August 25, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I'll be satisfied if Little Irene wipes the smarmy, Yiddish smirk from that turd Bloomberg's face.

ProudLibunatic August 25, 2011 at 8:09 pm

What's a "Yiddish smirk?"

Fukui_sanYesOta August 26, 2011 at 7:42 am

A couple of graham crackers with lox in between them? Wait, that's something else.

ProudLibunatic August 26, 2011 at 10:37 am

Ha, ha!
A bagel WITHOUT cream cheese?

Fukui_sanYesOta August 26, 2011 at 10:51 am

Beyond the pale!

I was trying to come up with something better than "George W wearing a yarmulke"

Callyson August 25, 2011 at 5:53 pm

"This could easily surpass Katrina as the largest disaster that this country has ever seen"
This reminds me: the New Yorkers I know can't stand to be second – best in any category…

Negropolis August 26, 2011 at 4:24 am

No shit. I can imagine Trump pimping this as the "biggest, most luxurious, five-star New York hurricane, ever. It's gonna' be (H)UGE!"

BaldarTFlagass August 25, 2011 at 5:53 pm

That second video could use some more Snake Plissken.

MLHencken August 25, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Needs moar biblical destruction.

jus_wonderin August 25, 2011 at 5:53 pm

But ya know, it does sound so bad when you overlay a perfect British voiceover track.

Limeylizzie August 25, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Wot?

ProudLibunatic August 25, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Really.
I can't stand the way he says: "huhri-cun."

x111e7thst August 25, 2011 at 5:57 pm

If I'm lucky I get to go staff a NYC evacuation point or shelter. Ken- In honor of your famously optimistic outlook I will do my best to see that the disaster remains at sub-catastrophic levels.

Limeylizzie August 25, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I will come to your shelter with my cats and some snacks.

x111e7thst August 25, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Yes do. When we run out of snacks can we eat the cats? (Joke,joke. Please don't hit me or yell)

Limeylizzie August 25, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Where is your shelter? I am getting a bit freaked out, it sounds as if it will be nasty, I bought a weather radio where you can crank the dynamo, it also has a siren, which I am looking forward to using!

SorosBot August 25, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Where are you located? I've been through a couple of the rare hurricanes to strike the Northeast, and in my experience if you're inland things might be unpleasant, but you'll be OK; it's near the coast that things get dangerous. Also expect the grocery stores to be filled with people buying enough food for a month.

KenLayIsAlive August 25, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Bushwick, hurricane, blackout, and limited food supplies… What could possibly go wrong?

x111e7thst August 25, 2011 at 7:01 pm

You might actually be in a B evacuation zone. Take care my friend.

berkeleyfarm August 26, 2011 at 10:15 pm

That's the spirit!

Wishing you and all in the path of the storm a safe and (relatively) uneventful weekend.

LesBontemps August 25, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Ha — nothing could wash the smell out of the IRT!

BaldarTFlagass August 25, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Wonder if the Rev Jesse Jackson will be making some errant comment about Hy-water-ie Town.

Crank_Tango August 25, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Jew Lie!

Crank_Tango August 25, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Just build the dang ark!

nappyduggs August 25, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Five billion gets you ten billion that they all build arks and have a regatta. Rich fucks.

Fukui_sanYesOta August 25, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Can we glue Michael Bay to that hot dog place on Coney Island? It seems somehow fitting.

DashboardBuddha August 25, 2011 at 6:02 pm

man…has there ever been a people that get such a hard-on from fear as we Americans?

nappyduggs August 25, 2011 at 6:25 pm

And we like it with a British accent, too. It's kind of like the instructional illustrations that accompany oxygen masks on planes. High as a kite, smiling down to your doom while Michael York tells you all about it.

Negropolis August 26, 2011 at 4:30 am

I've always imagined the United States as a giant Italian opera, and a place like Canada would be restrained West End play. Everything is shouted and wailed. We do have an unusual and very southern European sensibility about us despite all of the Protestantism.

Of the world's major powers, no one – not anybody – does a freak-out like the United States.

not that Dewey August 25, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Some times I live in the country
Some times I live in town
Some times I take a great notion
To jump in the river and drown

Irene good night Irene good night
Good night Irene Good night Irene
I'll see you in my dreams

Fukui_sanYesOta August 25, 2011 at 6:06 pm

NYSE trading floor is at street level (actually, it looks slightly below).

I had an amazing mental vision of traders drowning like obese rats in a maelstrom of storm surge water until I remembered that Irene isn't supposed to hit until the weekend.

SayItWithWookies August 25, 2011 at 6:07 pm

In honor of the impending disaster, Dubya will be nowhere to be seen.

Nostrildamus August 25, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Always a treat!

Negropolis August 26, 2011 at 4:32 am

But, be assured, he'll fly over the resulting disaster in a jet. You know, for shits and giggles and old times sake.

BlueStateLibel August 25, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Since I'm right in the heart of the storm, now I need only to decide who will inherit my worldly goods…who among you is worthy enough to inherit my pee-points?

ThundercatHo August 25, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Give 'em to Barb. Anyone having sex 90 minutes a day deserves a reward.

LesBontemps August 25, 2011 at 6:26 pm

I thought sex 90 minutes a day was the reward.

Thurman Munster IV August 25, 2011 at 6:20 pm

I think pee-points help you get out of purgatory sooner, so don't give 'em away

RedneckMuslin August 25, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I'll be by after the storm to pick them up. Don't worry if the doors are locked. I'll just walk thru the wall hole. Does your neighbor have anything good?

BlueStateLibel August 25, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I'll consider giving them to you only if you're a JOB CREATOR. Nothing of value in the neighborhood except for some cute stray cats. Watch out for the cop next door (if he's still alive; and if he's alive he'll be packing).

RedneckMuslin August 25, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Create jobs for police and National Guard. Did you miss the Katrina movie?

DahBoner August 25, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Well, it's always 4:20 somewhere around the world…

hagajim August 25, 2011 at 6:13 pm

So the east coast got the double fister with a rail across the face…I guess the Wall Street assholes now will know how we all in the rest of Merika feel.

genxr August 25, 2011 at 6:13 pm

"Now here's what it would look like if the hurricane were made out of tennis balls."

DashboardBuddha August 25, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Like many people, I hope this doesn't happen first and foremost for the horrendous loss of life and collapse of a world financial center. However, the close second reason why I don't want this to happen is dealing with the insufferable smug evangelists who fap to the idea that the storm hit NY because of gay marriage.

bumfug August 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm

At least it will drown those damn dirty apes.

Schmannnity August 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm

FEMA trailer in the Hamptons, move-in condition, $7.8 million.

Thurman Munster IV August 25, 2011 at 6:19 pm

To the Prez: You're doing a heck of a job, brownie

Limeylizzie August 25, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I shall climb to my roof and wave my bra, that will probably be seen from space.

OneYieldRegular August 25, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Hurricanes, earthquakes, Glenn Beck, terrorist attacks – poor New York and its afflictions. Why can't it get hit by something like a virus that causes delirious happiness?

KenLayIsAlive August 25, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I remember 2003, laughing while watching a similarly ridiculous, fear inducing, and over the top dramatization about a potential hurricanes effects on New Orleans.

And then of course, well…

See ya, I'm off to go gets some canned hobo beans.

BaldarTFlagass August 25, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Kinda like when Tom Clancy had the Japanese airline pilot fly his airliner into the Capitol building while congress was in session and one of the Baldwin brothers becomes president. Or maybe not. Well, that's when I stopped reading him, anyway.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard August 25, 2011 at 6:35 pm

What country will the chicken hawks want to invade if this happens?

jakegittes August 25, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Venezuela.

BlueStateLibel August 25, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Irane I'd say.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard August 26, 2011 at 9:02 am

Ha! Wel done.

Negropolis August 26, 2011 at 4:34 am

Probably Cuba, again. I mean, it's common knowledge that the Castros have a hurricane machine, right? North Korea has an earthquake machine, and Cuba has the hurricane machine.

Guppy06 August 25, 2011 at 6:36 pm

But how will this affect the Jersey Shore?

SudsMcKenzie August 25, 2011 at 6:38 pm

This must be what "movie night" is like at the Layne compound.

owhatever August 25, 2011 at 6:39 pm

East Coast media getting all atwitter because it's the EAST COAST, by dang, where all the media is located. Irene will be a little passing rain shower by the time it hits New York.

Meanwhile, Eric Cantor is considering doing away with hospitals as an offset to pay for any damage to the Lower East Side.

Now, I'm not against panic. If anyone who has tickets to Book of Mormon wants to sell them and run, I'm your guy.

baconzgood August 25, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I love this hurricane. I really do. You see, my fellow Wonkers, Baconz grandma (Grammy Zgood) was named Irene. So any time I hear about the impending destruction I can only think of the nice lil' old lady that played checkers with me and baked pizzelles.

(this comment is 100% snark free)

Neoyorquino August 25, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Upvoted for pizzelles.

johnnyzhivago August 25, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Hurricane Snooki!

LesBontemps August 25, 2011 at 9:15 pm

She already wiped out the Jersey Shore.

Negropolis August 26, 2011 at 4:36 am

I'd like to think of this one as Hurricane Rosie (Perez-not-O'Donnell) since it really picked up down by Puerto Rico. Zhivago, Don' be stupeed!

baconzgood August 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

But Haley Joel Osment and Teddie Ruxbin will survive.

usernameguy August 25, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I'm safe from the hurricane because I live in Florida.

Wait, what the hell?

berkeleyfarm August 26, 2011 at 10:12 pm

A new feeling, I'm sure.

BZ1 August 25, 2011 at 7:04 pm

good surfing conditions for Wall street?

DerrickWildcat August 25, 2011 at 7:24 pm

KETV, Omaha's News Leader, will be offering helpful tips tonight like filling yer bathtub with water (probably wouldn't want to use that tip at my house), stocking up on batteries, candles and hobo beans if a Hurricane should hit the Omaha Metro area…better safe…Wait! Are your children safe?

Naked_Bunny August 25, 2011 at 7:33 pm

I'm glad the Weather Channel supports tradition by getting George Kennedy to appear in their disaster flick.

ProudLibunatic August 25, 2011 at 8:23 pm

My NYC daughter will be at Burning Man (Nevada desert), during the storm.
(Somehow, NYC seems like a safer place.)

Radiotherapy® August 25, 2011 at 8:30 pm

From Eric Cantor's office:
There will be NO government funds for any of these disasters….well, except for the 9/11 part.

Negropolis August 26, 2011 at 4:39 am

Not even the 9/11 part. Remember the relatively recent dust-up with the first responders?

Neoyorquino August 25, 2011 at 8:49 pm

If I want speculative and unsubstantiated disaster porn, I'll watch the History Channel.

LesBontemps August 25, 2011 at 9:18 pm

What about TLC? If "Sara Palin's Alaska" isn't speculative and unsubstantiated disaster porn, I don't know what is.

Preferred Customer August 25, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Why are they using the font from the on board computer of a 2003 BMW 5 series? Very strange.

slowhansolo August 26, 2011 at 1:14 am

I'm all for sensible precaution. But tomorrow is my normal grocery day, and I'm completely screwed.

Negropolis August 26, 2011 at 4:15 am

"…run the risk of being torn out through the broken windows by the relentless winds."

Well, fuck, dude, could you have been anymore graphic and hyperbolic? lol

Redhead August 26, 2011 at 9:54 am

New York needs to quit being such a bunch of pussies. North Carolina is going to take the brunt of this storm, by far, and by the time it reaches NY it will be so weakened (thanks to its hitting NC) that NY will get as much rain and wind as the NC coast gets with most of their summer thunderstorms. Freaking out over once-in-100-years earthquakes on the east coast is one thing, but NY gets nor'easters and bad thunderstorms all the time – and that's all this will be by the time it gets there.

ttommyunger August 26, 2011 at 11:32 am

Cantor and Boehner would be green with envy if they saw this animation. I can almost hear them: "Now THAT'S destroying America!".

L188188 August 26, 2011 at 11:42 am

Goodbye, douchebags! Don't let the flying shards of glass hit you in the ass on the way out the window! I wish I could say that in a British accent.

Porter Melmoth August 26, 2011 at 5:55 pm

I didn't believe anything in the first video, but I believed EVERYTHING in the second because that guy had a British accent.

Limeylizzie August 25, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Harlem, NYC.

grandinquisitor August 25, 2011 at 8:16 pm

You should be ok in Harlem, just take the regular precautions and get batteries and candles if the power goes out. The real bad spots are at the south end of the island. I'm up in Washington Heights and we are not getting too worried.

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