apocalypse porn

New York To Be Destroyed By Irene, To Celebrate Earthquake + 9/11


Gah what the hell, what is this? Oh, it’s pornography from The Weather Channel. Goodbye, Wall Street! So will The Hamptons be destroyed after this, somehow, or concurrently? “

Almost biblical proportions,” ha. But even The Weather Channel and The Hitler Channel could not come up with “East Coast Double Penetration Earthquake followed by hundred-year insane hurricane just before the 10th anniversary of 9/11.” Good thing the stock market collapse already happened (twice?). Be careful, everyone!

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I'll only start to worry if I see John Cusack run down the street and dive into a car.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      And a limousine, at that. I want to ride out the Apocalypse in style!

    • baconzgood

      When I lived in Chi-Town I lived 3 doors from his sister. She borrowed my socket set and didn't return it. AND THAT'S WHY I'LL NEVER WATCH A JOAN CUSACK MOVIE EVER AGAIN!!!!!

  • nounverb911

    "So will The Hamptons be destroyed after this, somehow, or concurrently? “
    Either one is fine with me just as long as Irene gets the job done.

    • Negropolis

      Well, what the good lord misses, we could certainly help completely, especially since we'll all have gone all Mad Max, afterwards. Imagine roving bands of displaced Park Slope hipsters, uncivilized by the storm, pillaging Long Island for necessities. A thing of beauty, it'd be.

  • Lucidamente1

    This is what happens when you let Rick Perry and 30,000 retards pray for rain in Texas.

    • mrpuma2u

      OMIGOSH you are right! Perry prayed for water death of Wall street! Why does he hate Uhmehrika so much?!?!!?

    • fartknocker

      I had a strong laugh with this comment. My family and I in Austin applaud you.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Wall Street underwater again?

    • jakegittes

      Gonna need another bailout.

  • SorosBot

    It's a hard rain gonna fall, that's for sure.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      As long as it washes the scum off The Street (Wall), I'm good with that.

    • fuflans

      thank god we've got a first world government and social safety net to pick up the pieces.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Once again, this is good news for Rudy Giuliani.

  • Respitetini

    We're okay in Jersey, though. We'll just all float to safety on our Governor.

    Haha, just kidding. He only lets the rich ride on his fat cap.

    • nounverb911

      Is he even in state or did he take his family to Disney World again?

      • Respitetini

        Hopefully he headed for the outer banks for a nice getaway.

      • LesBontemps

        With any luck, the Marine Mammal Stranding Center in Brigantine is towing him out to sea.

    • hollywooddood

      Too big to fail.

  • Nostrildamus

    God, this is just like gay marriage!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Will they be cannon balling off the Chrysler Building? Maybe too far uptown, eh?

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, but I certainly suggest it to some of the bankers.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    East Coast Double Penetration

    Come on, don't be getting all jealous out there in the desert, Ken.
    ~

  • Indiepalin

    All the animals come out at night.
    Queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick venal.
    Some day a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the streets.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      That rain came, it was called gentrification.

      Its a different kind of scum.

  • DemonicRage

    Today we are all residents of famous Little Italy, now under water, in animation.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg ProgressiveInga

    You pinheads who attack me for this. Tide goes in, tide goes out, ok the moon does it. How'd it git dere?…….

  • JackObin

    I'll be satisfied if Little Irene wipes the smarmy, Yiddish smirk from that turd Bloomberg's face.

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      What's a "Yiddish smirk?"

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        A couple of graham crackers with lox in between them? Wait, that's something else.

        • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

          Ha, ha!
          A bagel WITHOUT cream cheese?

          • Fukui_sanYesOta

            Beyond the pale!

            I was trying to come up with something better than "George W wearing a yarmulke"

  • Callyson

    "This could easily surpass Katrina as the largest disaster that this country has ever seen"
    This reminds me: the New Yorkers I know can't stand to be second – best in any category…

    • Negropolis

      No shit. I can imagine Trump pimping this as the "biggest, most luxurious, five-star New York hurricane, ever. It's gonna' be (H)UGE!"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That second video could use some more Snake Plissken.

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    Needs moar biblical destruction.

  • jus_wonderin

    But ya know, it does sound so bad when you overlay a perfect British voiceover track.

    • Limeylizzie

      Wot?

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Really.
      I can't stand the way he says: "huhri-cun."

  • x111e7thst

    If I'm lucky I get to go staff a NYC evacuation point or shelter. Ken- In honor of your famously optimistic outlook I will do my best to see that the disaster remains at sub-catastrophic levels.

    • Limeylizzie

      I will come to your shelter with my cats and some snacks.

      • x111e7thst

        Yes do. When we run out of snacks can we eat the cats? (Joke,joke. Please don't hit me or yell)

        • Limeylizzie

          Where is your shelter? I am getting a bit freaked out, it sounds as if it will be nasty, I bought a weather radio where you can crank the dynamo, it also has a siren, which I am looking forward to using!

          • SorosBot

            Where are you located? I've been through a couple of the rare hurricanes to strike the Northeast, and in my experience if you're inland things might be unpleasant, but you'll be OK; it's near the coast that things get dangerous. Also expect the grocery stores to be filled with people buying enough food for a month.

          • Limeylizzie

            Harlem, NYC.

          • http://crasstalk.com/ grandinquisitor

            You should be ok in Harlem, just take the regular precautions and get batteries and candles if the power goes out. The real bad spots are at the south end of the island. I'm up in Washington Heights and we are not getting too worried.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Bushwick, hurricane, blackout, and limited food supplies… What could possibly go wrong?

      • x111e7thst

        You might actually be in a B evacuation zone. Take care my friend.

    • berkeleyfarm

      That's the spirit!

      Wishing you and all in the path of the storm a safe and (relatively) uneventful weekend.

  • LesBontemps

    Ha — nothing could wash the smell out of the IRT!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wonder if the Rev Jesse Jackson will be making some errant comment about Hy-water-ie Town.

    • Crank_Tango

      Jew Lie!

  • Crank_Tango

    Just build the dang ark!

    • nappyduggs

      Five billion gets you ten billion that they all build arks and have a regatta. Rich fucks.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Can we glue Michael Bay to that hot dog place on Coney Island? It seems somehow fitting.

  • DashboardBuddha

    man…has there ever been a people that get such a hard-on from fear as we Americans?

    • nappyduggs

      And we like it with a British accent, too. It's kind of like the instructional illustrations that accompany oxygen masks on planes. High as a kite, smiling down to your doom while Michael York tells you all about it.

    • Negropolis

      I've always imagined the United States as a giant Italian opera, and a place like Canada would be restrained West End play. Everything is shouted and wailed. We do have an unusual and very southern European sensibility about us despite all of the Protestantism.

      Of the world's major powers, no one – not anybody – does a freak-out like the United States.

  • not that Dewey

    Some times I live in the country
    Some times I live in town
    Some times I take a great notion
    To jump in the river and drown

    Irene good night Irene good night
    Good night Irene Good night Irene
    I'll see you in my dreams

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    NYSE trading floor is at street level (actually, it looks slightly below).

    I had an amazing mental vision of traders drowning like obese rats in a maelstrom of storm surge water until I remembered that Irene isn't supposed to hit until the weekend.

  • SayItWithWookies

    In honor of the impending disaster, Dubya will be nowhere to be seen.

    • Nostrildamus

      Always a treat!

    • Negropolis

      But, be assured, he'll fly over the resulting disaster in a jet. You know, for shits and giggles and old times sake.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Since I'm right in the heart of the storm, now I need only to decide who will inherit my worldly goods…who among you is worthy enough to inherit my pee-points?

    • ThundercatHo

      Give 'em to Barb. Anyone having sex 90 minutes a day deserves a reward.

      • LesBontemps

        I thought sex 90 minutes a day was the reward.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      I think pee-points help you get out of purgatory sooner, so don't give 'em away

    • RedneckMuslin

      I'll be by after the storm to pick them up. Don't worry if the doors are locked. I'll just walk thru the wall hole. Does your neighbor have anything good?

      • BlueStateLibel

        I'll consider giving them to you only if you're a JOB CREATOR. Nothing of value in the neighborhood except for some cute stray cats. Watch out for the cop next door (if he's still alive; and if he's alive he'll be packing).

        • RedneckMuslin

          Create jobs for police and National Guard. Did you miss the Katrina movie?

  • DahBoner

    Well, it's always 4:20 somewhere around the world…

  • hagajim

    So the east coast got the double fister with a rail across the face…I guess the Wall Street assholes now will know how we all in the rest of Merika feel.

  • genxr

    "Now here's what it would look like if the hurricane were made out of tennis balls."

  • DashboardBuddha

    Like many people, I hope this doesn't happen first and foremost for the horrendous loss of life and collapse of a world financial center. However, the close second reason why I don't want this to happen is dealing with the insufferable smug evangelists who fap to the idea that the storm hit NY because of gay marriage.

  • bumfug

    At least it will drown those damn dirty apes.

  • Schmannnity

    FEMA trailer in the Hamptons, move-in condition, $7.8 million.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    To the Prez: You're doing a heck of a job, brownie

  • Limeylizzie

    I shall climb to my roof and wave my bra, that will probably be seen from space.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Hurricanes, earthquakes, Glenn Beck, terrorist attacks – poor New York and its afflictions. Why can't it get hit by something like a virus that causes delirious happiness?

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    I remember 2003, laughing while watching a similarly ridiculous, fear inducing, and over the top dramatization about a potential hurricanes effects on New Orleans.

    And then of course, well…

    See ya, I'm off to go gets some canned hobo beans.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Kinda like when Tom Clancy had the Japanese airline pilot fly his airliner into the Capitol building while congress was in session and one of the Baldwin brothers becomes president. Or maybe not. Well, that's when I stopped reading him, anyway.

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    What country will the chicken hawks want to invade if this happens?

    • jakegittes

      Venezuela.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Irane I'd say.

      • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

        Ha! Wel done.

    • Negropolis

      Probably Cuba, again. I mean, it's common knowledge that the Castros have a hurricane machine, right? North Korea has an earthquake machine, and Cuba has the hurricane machine.

  • Guppy06

    But how will this affect the Jersey Shore?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    This must be what "movie night" is like at the Layne compound.

  • owhatever

    East Coast media getting all atwitter because it's the EAST COAST, by dang, where all the media is located. Irene will be a little passing rain shower by the time it hits New York.

    Meanwhile, Eric Cantor is considering doing away with hospitals as an offset to pay for any damage to the Lower East Side.

    Now, I'm not against panic. If anyone who has tickets to Book of Mormon wants to sell them and run, I'm your guy.

  • baconzgood

    I love this hurricane. I really do. You see, my fellow Wonkers, Baconz grandma (Grammy Zgood) was named Irene. So any time I hear about the impending destruction I can only think of the nice lil' old lady that played checkers with me and baked pizzelles.

    (this comment is 100% snark free)

    • Neoyorquino

      Upvoted for pizzelles.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Hurricane Snooki!

    • LesBontemps

      She already wiped out the Jersey Shore.

    • Negropolis

      I'd like to think of this one as Hurricane Rosie (Perez-not-O'Donnell) since it really picked up down by Puerto Rico. Zhivago, Don' be stupeed!

  • baconzgood

    But Haley Joel Osment and Teddie Ruxbin will survive.

  • usernameguy

    I'm safe from the hurricane because I live in Florida.

    Wait, what the hell?

    • berkeleyfarm

      A new feeling, I'm sure.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    good surfing conditions for Wall street?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    KETV, Omaha's News Leader, will be offering helpful tips tonight like filling yer bathtub with water (probably wouldn't want to use that tip at my house), stocking up on batteries, candles and hobo beans if a Hurricane should hit the Omaha Metro area…better safe…Wait! Are your children safe?

  • Naked_Bunny

    I'm glad the Weather Channel supports tradition by getting George Kennedy to appear in their disaster flick.

  • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

    My NYC daughter will be at Burning Man (Nevada desert), during the storm.
    (Somehow, NYC seems like a safer place.)

  • Radiotherapy┬«

    From Eric Cantor's office:
    There will be NO government funds for any of these disasters….well, except for the 9/11 part.

    • Negropolis

      Not even the 9/11 part. Remember the relatively recent dust-up with the first responders?

  • Neoyorquino

    If I want speculative and unsubstantiated disaster porn, I'll watch the History Channel.

    • LesBontemps

      What about TLC? If "Sara Palin's Alaska" isn't speculative and unsubstantiated disaster porn, I don't know what is.

  • Preferred Customer

    Why are they using the font from the on board computer of a 2003 BMW 5 series? Very strange.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    I'm all for sensible precaution. But tomorrow is my normal grocery day, and I'm completely screwed.

  • Negropolis

    "…run the risk of being torn out through the broken windows by the relentless winds."

    Well, fuck, dude, could you have been anymore graphic and hyperbolic? lol

  • Redhead

    New York needs to quit being such a bunch of pussies. North Carolina is going to take the brunt of this storm, by far, and by the time it reaches NY it will be so weakened (thanks to its hitting NC) that NY will get as much rain and wind as the NC coast gets with most of their summer thunderstorms. Freaking out over once-in-100-years earthquakes on the east coast is one thing, but NY gets nor'easters and bad thunderstorms all the time – and that's all this will be by the time it gets there.

  • ttommyunger

    Cantor and Boehner would be green with envy if they saw this animation. I can almost hear them: "Now THAT'S destroying America!".

  • L188188

    Goodbye, douchebags! Don't let the flying shards of glass hit you in the ass on the way out the window! I wish I could say that in a British accent.

  • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

    I didn't believe anything in the first video, but I believed EVERYTHING in the second because that guy had a British accent.