Rick Perry Tried to Sell Corpses of Texas Teachers to Wall Street

How is the “death industry” doing these days? That whole funeral home, flowers, Jell-O-and-ham potluck, casket and cemetery plot thing that Americans used to do when there were still a few crumpled dollar bills left in the “rainy day jar” for a dignified burial? No, we mean that “other” death industry, the one where Rick Perry makes millions of dollars allowing mutant humanoid speculators to place bets amongst themselves about when retired Texas school teachers would croak, and then give Rick Perry a cut of the “winnings” for the privilege. That one, apparently, was Rick Perry’s one-time brilliant plan to make the state of Texas a pile of cash. Sure, that sounds fool-proof. So what do educators get out of this death rewards program? “Just death, and maybe a pair of shoes to wear to the dump where their bodies will be left to rot.” Read on for the gory details!

The Huffington Post reports on the science fiction scenario Rick Perry tried to sell to Texas teacher groups:

All they had to do was convince retirees to let UBS buy life insurance policies on them. When the retirees died, those policies would pay out benefits to Wall Street speculators, and the state, supposedly, would get paid for arranging the bets. The families of the deceased former teachers would get nothing.

The meeting notes offer the most direct evidence that the Perry administration was not only intimately involved with the insurance scheme, but a leading driver of the plan.

However, “nothing” in exchange for your soul did not sound so good to the teachers. So Rick Perry decided to throw in a pair of shoes:

The governor’s office was even prepared to put down a little cash up front. If retirees balked at the notion of the state profiting from their deaths, Perry’s budget men suggested they could be persuaded for the cost of a pair of shoes, according to the meeting notes. If a retiree signed a contract allowing the state’s teacher pension fund to buy life insurance on them, the governor was prepared to give them between $50 and $100.

“Precious little for what they were giving up,” said the meeting attendee.

The notes make clear that the governor’s proposal deliberately targeted the elderly. The state was only seeking to take out life insurance on people between the ages of 75 and 90. At a separate meeting five days later, the plan’s proponents discussed the “mental capacity” of these retirees to grant consent as one of three major technical obstacles to the plan, according to notes from that meeting.

Or, we could sell the virus-ridden alien pilot program to destroy Earth named Rick Perry back to space for the price of freedom from Rick Perry. Jesus Christ. [HuffPo]