black iron prison

Comatose Dick Cheney Had Lengthy Dream That He Was Caligula

'Thomas was the ultimate non-fool of Post Neolithic times. As an early Christian, of the apostolic age; he had not seen Jesus but he knew people who had - my God, I'm losing control, here, trying to write this down…'Sometimes there is a Cracker Jack™-style surprise waiting at the very bottom of another inane New York Times feature about the lifestyles and murderous rampages of America’s political leaders. And your beloved former Wonkette editor Jim Newell found just such a weird treat at the end of this bloodthirsty insanity about Dick Cheney bragging how he also wanted to bomb the hell out of Syria’s brown people back in 2007: Cheney was unconscious for weeks and weeks after one of his pig-heart transplants, and during this episode of Half Death he had a long alternate-reality dream that he was some kind of Roman despot stomping back and forth through an Italian villa. His evil goal? To find the stash of coffee and newspapers that Time Demons had deposited somewhere in Ancient Rome.

This reminds us of a lot of things, but none of them are named “Dick Cheney”:

And in the epilogue, Mr. Cheney writes that after undergoing heart surgery in 2010, he was unconscious for weeks. During that period, he wrote, he had a prolonged, vivid dream that he was living in an Italian villa, pacing the stone paths to get coffee and newspapers.

And there’s your Last Weird Paragraph From the NYT post for the night … unless you want to read another pointlessly surrealist paragraph at the end of a New York Times article from today, in which case you can go read this and then have a million nightmares about sodomizing your horse with a “tin cup” while appointing it “Joe Lieberman.” [NYT via Jim Newell]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. DerrickWildcat

    "During that period, he wrote, he had a prolonged, vivid dream that he was living in an Italian villa, pacing the stone paths to get coffee and newspapers."

    That'd be the Morphine drip talkin' to you.

  2. OkieDokieDog

    I dream of Dick being waterboarded in some hell hole dungeon in Syria. Or at a WalMart in Alabama. Hell I don't care where, just waterboard him.

    1. Negropolis

      Oh, I'd much rather it be in the dingy-assed, motor oil-stained loading docks of some decades old Alabama WalMart on a dreadfully muggy summer night surrounded by some central casted Southern truckers laughing sinisterly with a car battery and some jumper cables drangling nearby…

      Damn, I almost scared myself, there.

        1. Negropolis

          Look, Marmot, I'm not a bigot. You know the kind of books I've written about the tea party movement in this country. But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in teabagger T-shirt-Nevar-Forget garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as teabaggers, I get worried. I get nervous…

    2. An_Outhouse

      with a tape loop of Rush Limpdick stating that it is not torture playing over and over and over …

    3. OkieDokieDog

      Good grief. I just noticed that I left off Dick's last name. If I were dreaming of dick and Dick Cheney appeared, that wet dream would turn into a nightmare.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      I'm kinda hoping it explodes spectacularly while he's addressing some lunatic depraved Republican WASP bunch, blowing his entrails all over their thousand-dollar suits.

  3. Barb

    In his book, he also said Republicans should remain true to their core principles: gay bashing, war profiteering and torture.

    1. Radiotherapy®

      Do you mean family values, national defense, and enhanced interrogation? And what, no job creation by job creators through trickle down economics?

  4. mourningnmerica

    I swear to God I am going to outlive that bonobo heart mutherfucker if it is the last thing I do.

  5. KenLayIsAlive

    This evil motherfucker had better thank god everyday that the democratic leadership are spineless invertebrates who want to "move forward, not look backwards."

    Because anyone else would have strung him up by his tiny balls and waterboarded him with his own pig blood.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      The Nazi poet laureate Hanns Johst wrote "when I hear the word culture, I reach for my gun". A punk 'zine I read years ago said that when someone mentions guns, a liberal reaches for his culture. I guess we're going to the culture war with the Democratic leadership we have, not the progressives we wish we had.

  6. JoshuaNorton

    Yay!! A new Cheney story! Just in time for wingnut Xmas!

    Every anniversary they find a new way to tear into war and 9/11 like a class of BYU freshmen diving into somebody’s p0rn collection.

  7. flamingpdog

    Mr. Cheney’s account of the discussion appears in his autobiography, “In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir,” which is to be published by Simon & Schuster next week..

    Words of advice a wise man gave me the last time a Dick wrote a book shortly after leaving office: "Don't buy books by crooks."

  8. Radiotherapy®

    Fuck Cheney, once a Dick, always a Dick; that monster is probably rooting for Hurricane Irene to do maximal damage. ("Hehe, Obama's Katrina, hehe…." with that sickening laugh out of the side of his reptilian pie hole).
    What we really want to know is: Ken, how was your walk?

  9. SayItWithWookies

    That's so odd that Dick Cheney dreamed of wandering around an Italian villa looking for coffee and newspapers. Because of all the people I'd thought would dream of being Gore Vidal, Dick Cheney wasn't in the top 500 folks on that list. But then again, Gore Vidal wrote a book about an insane, theater-obsessed, vengeful tranny who commits murder. Coincidence?

  10. Warpde

    Last thing I need to read about before bed.
    Dick "Pull my" Cheney wet dreams.
    I'm ruined now.

  11. noodlesalad

    Huh, so hell ain't so bad after all. Unless the coffee is a poisonous mixture that slowly rots you from the inside out, and the newspaper is…gulp…the Washington Times (shudder), which also rots you from the inside out.

    1. Negropolis

      I'd make that the Washington Post, because the Washington Times doesn't have any qualms about what it is, and Cheney might actually like it. The Post is a paper that talks out both sides of it mouth, like a certain silver-tongued hell-fiend.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      If he was that destructive without consciousness, what would he have accomplished with a sound-mind and body?

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Needs more underage prostitutes to really capture the Italian despot feel. I guess we can all hope the dream ended with his dead body hung by its ankles by partisans.

    1. vodkamuppet

      The thought of Cheney being hung up by his ankles actually made me grind my teeth and drool for a second. I'm going to go cook a steak now, extremely rare.

    2. tcaalaw

      Is there any kind of dream that wouldn't be improved by more underage prostitutes appearing in it?

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Maybe this is a look into Cheney's hell, forever forced to walk stone paths, wearing a hospital gown, in search of coffee and newspapers that never come, with his shriveled dry ball sack waiving in the breeze.

    1. LetUsBray

      I'd really hope Cheney's hell would involve a lot more getting waterboarded and shot in the face. But never mind that, he probably already has a seat on the Board of Directors waiting for him.

    2. user-of-owls

      I hope the coffee smelled really, really good, as it is wan to do in such climes. Or that when if finally came, the person in front of him got the very last drop.Oh, and the newspaper that never came was supposed to feature a glowing portrait of the "Last Brave Man on the Planet: The Man Who Save American and the West."

      That's what I hope, anyway.

    3. Negropolis

      I hope the stone paths are uncomfortably cool, the hospital gown annoyingly ill-fitting, and when he does find the coffee, he drops the pot so that it shatters on the floor and he's forced to clean it up, and when he finds the newspaper, it's the New York Post or someone foreign paper.

    1. Barb

      Great, now I am going to go to bed with visions of Chris Matthews' spittle-covered sugarplums, dancing in my head.
      Must channel Keith Olbermann… and angry sex….

  14. slowhansolo

    Huh. Imagine that. Kinda makes you wonder who was pulling the strings, if Cheney wasn't, and thank them. Hard to imagine the presence of cooler heads in that administration.

    1. Negropolis

      I'd like to think that at this point in his administration, after the failure in Iraq, the abandonment of Afghanistan, the failure with Katrina, etc…that reason and legacy were pulling the strings. That's what I'd like to think.

      More likely, Robert Gates probably told Bush to tell Cheney to fuck off, honestly.

  15. imissopus

    I say unto you, Wonkette, do not read that NY Times article unless you have a kitten handy that you can strangle with your bare hands. Because you will want to strangle it, revive it, and strangle it again. And I say this as someone who is very fond of kittens.

  16. SorosBot

    And Caligula used to dream that he was an incarnation of Mars, Apollo, Venus, and various other gods; but never Jupiter or Neptune, who he hared. The circle of crazy reaches down a few millennia.

    O/T, but remember how in 2008 any mention of Ron Paul resulted in an infusion of Paultards? That just happened at Yglesias', and I've spent much of the day trying to deal with both them and the hardcore anti-choice trolls; and even though the original post was at 9:14 they're still at it. If anyone wants to help it's at

    1. Barb

      And Caligula used to dream that he was an incarnation of Mars, Apollo, Venus….
      I saw the Malcolm McDowell version of "Caligula" and all I remember was a fist in "Uranis" and the rest is just a painful blur.

      1. James Michael Curley

        There are a few events for which I have no actual memories; crashing a helicopter into a rice paddy, Charlotte, and seeing "Caligula" which I think I saw with Charlotte.

    2. glamourdammerung

      Think Progress simply got to be so full of trolls that I just stopped going there about a year or so ago.

      Though once again, seeing Paultards (and conservatives in general) claim that Ron Paul is being smeared by using direct quotes and stated positions is amusing due to how stupid it is.

    3. Radiotherapy®

      SB, I'm in the midst of an incredible book by Francis Fukuyama, The Origins of Political Order. In the first Chapter he drops a mortar shell in the whole Paultard camp:
      Many parts of sub-Saharan Africa are a libertarian's paradise. The region as a whole is a low-tax utopia….Rather than unleashing entrepreneurship, this low rate of taxation means that basic public services like health, education, and pothole filling are starved of funding. The physical infrastructure on which a modern economy rests like roads, courts and the police are missing….people are free to protect their own families, and indeed they are forced to.

      1. zhubajie

        Fukuyama (Fuk U Mama), renegade Neocon, pretending to be sorry for all the deaths and destruction he helped cause. It's a good thing for him he's an American, not genuinely Japanese, or he'd have to kill himself to prove he was really sorry.

      2. Mumbletypeg

        Well, sheesh-kabobs. I've had this bookmarked for some time, meaning to read it (Fukuyama's profile in Newsweek). I guess he hits some nerves around here but based on his wiki entry alone, sounds like he possesses a mind keen for tooling around as well as sharpening the intellect. Since he claims in Newsweek to have become alienated from neoconservatism's "triumphalist views" I'm not ready to dismiss him as a source of trenchant insight, yet.

  17. LesBontemps

    Wait, this guy is still breathing? Tell us again, why is he not in prison, being interrogated with enhancements and denied medical treatment?

  18. Fare la Volpe

    The dream ended with Cheney being dragged out of his Italian villa and hanged in the street. In retrospect, it all sounded very familiar…

  19. pinkocommi

    "During that period, he wrote, he had a prolonged, vivid dream that he was living in an Italian villa, pacing the stone paths to get coffee and newspapers."

    Funny, I would have taken him for a gay prostitute and meth kind of guy. He is a Republican after all.

  20. vodkamuppet

    I'm sooo having a party when this prick finally croaks. And then I'm going to take my kids on vacation to go dance on his fucking grave.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      They're probably going to have to bury him at sea like Bin Laden, just because of all the dancing and shitting and pissing and spitting and farting in the general direction of his grave that will be going on otherwise.

  21. glamourdammerung

    None of this changes the fact that Cheney is going to be somewhere very warm soon.

    And it is not going to be Italy, or even Texas.

  22. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    tea party learning ……. every part of 9 11 is full of lies
    Anthrax, Shanksville, Pentagon, Bldg 7, Twin Towers

  23. Negropolis

    WASHINGTON — Former Vice President Dick Cheney says in a new memoir that he urged President George W. Bush to bomb a suspected Syrian nuclear reactor site in June 2007. But, he wrote, Mr. Bush opted for a diplomatic approach after other advisers — still stinging over “the bad intelligence we had received about Iraq’s stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction” — expressed misgivings.

    “I again made the case for U.S. military action against the reactor,” Mr. Cheney wrote about a meeting on the issue. “But I was a lone voice. After I finished, the president asked, ‘Does anyone here agree with the vice president?’ Not a single hand went up around the room.”

    Just so we get that quoted here on Wonkette.

    When Bush and the rest of his team put their foot down on military intervention on a new front, you know something's wrong with the way your mind works.

  24. BlueStateLibel

    And I had a dream last night that hundreds of thousands of people were rioting in Washington D.C. and torching a huge American flag. Dick, thanks to cons like you, my dream has way more chance of becoming reality than yours ever will.

  25. jaytingle

    My favorite, about Condy: "She came into my office, sat down in the chair next to my desk and tearfully admitted I had been right." It's like he's reading my mind.

    1. Negropolis

      In what fantasy world does Condi cry, let alone apologize to Dick Cheney for anything? I call bullshit. She didn't owe shit to that old troll. Dubya was, and had always been, her meal ticket. Only in his fevered dreams did Condi coming crying to him. If Condi came crying to him, then I'm the Dutchess of Cornwall.

  26. V572 T-Blow

    "Payback is a motherfucker."

    –Richard Cheney, former [vice]President of the United States.

  27. genxr

    Then he ordered cluster bombs dropped on that Italian villa, and the bombing runs didn't stop until the residents brought him coffee and a newspaper.

    Condi was there too, crying and telling him how manly he was, and he was in a toga standing on a hilltop overlooking everything while scantily clad women threw pickles at him..

  28. Rosie_Scenario

    Thanks for getting my hopes up, Wonkette. I read "Comatose Dick Cheney" and thought "finally." Then I read the rest.

  29. Porter Melmoth

    In the big Roman movies like 'Quo Vadis', when Bob Taylor's doing his grand triumphal march through Rome, there's an old guy riding in the same chariot saying something like, 'Remember, you're only a mortal'.

    Well, we moderns aren't as wise as those corrupt doomed Romans. No such 'conscience' whispers anything in the likes of Dickhead or his kind's ears today. Thus, delusions of grandeur know no bounds.

    It is significant though, that Dick humbly channeled with Caligula rather than the 10x-worse Nero. Such a choice, even in the depths of his near-death experience, shows the inane – I mean, innate modesty of the man.

  30. ttommyunger

    Sure, Dick. Satan's got a villa just around the corner all tidied up and waiting for you. Enjoy, soon, I hope.

  31. owhatever

    He also wanted to bomb that nuclear reactor in California, but they bargained him down to shooting a lawyer in the face.

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