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Another Lesson on Gays and Booze, Courtesy of Rick Perry

rick, give us the answersThere are many things to be said about the GOP crazies who are trying as hard as they can to kick Barack Obama out of the It’s-Supposed-to-be-White House. Of course, “You sure know your audience” has to be included as one of those things. Was there an anti-gay poetry convention for scary people named “Rick” recently? Probably, because Rick Perry and Rick Santorum both learned important metaphors about gay people and alcohol that are really helpful for people who have a hard time understanding what the big deal is, about gay people. It is probably especially helpful to the many GOP fans who honor alcohol (abuse) as an important cultural practice.

Rick Santorum basically plagiarized that weird beers/gays thing he said from Rick Perry, who wrote a special message in his book, “On My Honor.”

Since leaping into the GOP presidential race, Texas Gov. Rick Perry hasn’t been asked if he thinks gays are born or made. But in a little-noticed passage in his first book, “On My Honor,” a encomium on the Boy Scouts published in 2008, Perry also drew a parallel between homosexuality and alcoholism. “Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink,” he wrote. “And, even if someone is attracted to a person of the same sex, he or she still makes a choice to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same gender.”

So just like alcoholism, homosexuality is a disease that is…easily controlled, or something? Okay then!

In “On My Honor,” Perry also punted on the exact origins of homosexuality. He wrote that he is “no expert on the ‘nature versus nurture’ debate,” but that gays should simply choose abstinence. Perry’s campaign did not respond to a request for comment on whether he maintains this view.

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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183 comments

  1. Barb

    No snark here. Why the hell is the gay issue always about sex? Why hyper focus on what they do with their naughties? It's really about all the things that hetros want, love, family, partnership, acceptance, friends, etc. Stop focusing on their genitals and just once, think of what is in their heart.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Because what they care about is other people's genitals, my dear. These flagellants have so long denied their own anatomy that the only way they can get off is to focus on everyone else's.

      Particularly salacious stories like their own imaginary ideas of what gay people do just fuel their sick fantasies.

      1. Barb

        In actuality, how much time a day do we all spend having sex? Ninety minutes? How much time do these people spend a day wondering what we are doing? Wayyyy too much.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          True story, I lost my virginity with my first boyfriend by spending four straight days locked in a hotel room together. The front desk man had to peel us off the walls. I'd imagine that information would make the Christards' heads explode.

          Not that it's completely relevant to the conversation; I just wanted to brag.

          1. MichelesPantalones

            Um … so, any tips for your fellow Wonketteers? Are you feeding the spouse Bull_Semen(tm) cocktails, or have you discovered something better than Viagra for women?

          2. Nixon_So_Fine

            Barb, I think the consensus is "sex w/partner", not "sex w/your favorite person." No one likes a braggart; everyone (male, plus some chicks) likes a NYMPHOMANIAC!!!!!!

      2. MichelesPantalones

        It's all about teh buttsechs for them, which is interesting because if they actually knew anything at all about gay people, it's *not* all about the buttsechs for *them.* It's the chance to be with your partner if they have a medical emergency, or pass your estate to them without probate, which straight people get to do all the time, but if you're gay, even if you leave it all to your partner, a judge can invalidate that as springing from "a meretricious relationship," and give the estate that you and your partner worked for all your lives to the same family who kicked you out because they thought your sexuality was "icky," leaving your life partner penniless and out on the street. It's about having all those "family" things that other families have, like one working partner and one SAH partner who raises the kids, who are all covered by the working partner's health benefits. Or the family discounts that straight people routinely get. Or the goddamn student loans, fer chrisake.

    2. mayor_quimby

      Firstly, you are living high on the sex hog, my GF is tired after 30 mins. Second, I think he actually is saying that it's OK to be gay (alcoholic) as long as you don't let the gay parts(alcohol) inside of you, except just having gay thoughts is much more of a sin than wanting booze. That's why you need to abstain from gaysex (alcohol)
      Yes, it is confusing, but we are trying to divine logic from chicken-shit entrails.
      And on your last point, I think they also hate what is in a gay heart, just on GP.

    3. ShaveTheWhales

      But that would require thinking of gays as actual human beings. I suspect a lot of the gay-haters still have trouble thinking of women as actual human beings.

      BTW, 90 min/day? Evidently your instincts were spot on that time at the airport.

      1. Barb

        Shave, that's so funny that you remember the airport.
        I'm amused by people in positions of authority who balk at sex, gays, sexy gays, etc. It's been my experience in life that the nicer the suit, the richer the man, the holier he claims to be, the better chance he is more "kinks than vanilla" behind closed doors.
        Can I get a witness?

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Well, I've had some nice suits, but I was never quite rich and I've never claimed to be holy, so I can only agree with your observation. I'm glad you can be amused; I find myself upset by the hypocrisy.

          I don't have any problem with anything consenting adults want to do with or to each other (proviso: in the case of adultery, the consenting adults must include any non-participant spouses). What pisses me off is when one of those consenting adults takes a public position that other consenting adults should be prohibited from, or condemned for, the same activity. So I thoroughly detest, e.g, Vitter and Ensign and Gingrich, while I cannot snark properly at Mitch Daniels or Anthony Weiner.

          BTW, the hypocrisy thing is not confined to the rich and powerful. I had a number of acquaintances and colleagues who were quite vocal about how evil the Clinton blowjobs were, when I (and everyone else in the vicinity) knew that those folks were industriously banging other people's wives and husbands.

    4. Rotundo_

      Why the focus on crotches? because they have to sensationalize it and if possible dehumanize people who live and love differently to manipulate people into voting for politicians who will vote for a whole shit load of horrid things for everyone but the rich. In their heart of hearts (he snickers at *that* thought) they do not care one whit about anything other than getting elected and getting money. Authoritarian assholes have played this game for centuries now and people don't seem to be getting any smarter about it. I don't care how or with whom they find love and fulfillment, my fondest wish is that everyone does. If someone else is offended by it, they need to grow the fuck up and realize that the "The pursuit of happiness" may mean people doing things that they or their preachers may not approve of. Life is too short to spend it fucking around with other people's lives, save your own soul, let others worry about theirs.

    1. iburl

      Maybe when Perry selects Bachmann as his running beard mate, Rick and Marcus can have a closed-door summit to explore each other's ideas insofar as mastering the raw, barbaric stirrings that they must not give into. Must. Not… CENSORED

    1. Rotundo_

      Coyotes are more discriminating in their taste for mates, which is to say they'll fuck anything on four legs and then kill it for fun. Then again maybe Rick has more in common with coyotes than I had previously considered.

      1. Rotundo_

        Actually it was military history or something similar. Ricky only pulled a "C" in animal breeding which for a genuine Texas A&M Aggie isn't very impressive. This asshole wants to preside over the greatest military power on the planet and couldn't muster more than a "C" in a college course on breeding animals. He also pulled a "D" in economics 101. This is not in an elite business school, but at Texas A&M. Dumber than Dubya.

  2. Steverino247

    Somebody should ask all the GOP candidates when they made the decision to be heterosexual. Maybe a moderator at the next GOP Presidential debate.

    1. One_who_wanders

      I did it at the same time I chose my major in college. Of course I changed my major three or four times. And then went on to grad school in a different field.

    1. Crank_Tango

      well he has been fucking texas in the ass for several years, but it doesn't count something something, sheep, brokeback, desert, fin.

  3. x111e7thst

    So teh buttsecks is like barfing and pissing all over a Новоaрхангельск (ok Sitka) hotel room? I did not know that the latter could be so much fun.

  4. OC_Surf_Serf

    ‘nature versus nurture’ debate

    No debate. His mentor, George W Bush, was born an alcoholic.

  5. mumbly_joe

    I'm confused. What exactly are adoption rights, in this analogy? Hospital visitation rights? Presumption of next of kin? I really need to know what the alcoholism equivalent of wanting to form a family unit and raise children and care for another into their twilight years is, vis a vis alcohol.

    I'm not really sure where the snark ends and the bitter rage begins, here.

  6. hollywooddood

    Rick, drunk or sober, your wife chose to engage in sexual activity with someone like you.

    What is that called, again?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Taking one for the other team.

      But seriously, you said "chose" – suggesting you don't know the mating ritual of the Shitheel Aggie. From their first girlfriends' bleats o protest to the sleeping snores of their wives, choice has nothing to do with it.

    2. zhubajie

      Does she really *choose*? Or is it an unpleasant necessity? Maybe dressed like a boy? Last photo I saw of her, she already had that scandal-wife look to her.

  7. savethispatient

    In that case, what's Rick Perry's opinion of Apple's new CEO, I wonder?

    Also, Tea Partiers! Throw away your iPhones, they're making you ghey! In fact, it's probably best if you stay off the internet altogether.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Maybe I'm cynical, but I'm not terribly inspired by one rich corporate motherfucker being replaced by another rich corporate motherfucker who just happens to stick his dick in men.

    2. rahelio

      Teabaggers with iPhones? Nah.

      They can barely finish reading the Hoveround instruction manual, and most of them probably think the 8-bit screen "word processor" gathering dust in their living room is cutting edge.

  8. GuanoFaucet

    Rick, even if a moron is powerless over a dumb thought once it enters his brain, he still makes a choice to write that dumb thought down in a book.

    Just saying.

  9. ifthethunderdontgetya

    In “On My Honor,” Perry also punted on the exact origins of homosexuality.

    So he was just doing some research.

    "The gay rumors are voluminous, intense, and will not go away," Morrow said. "Rick Perry is a pink cowboy leading a parade of extremist anti-gay preachers and militaristic neo-cons into a ditch."

    It's all clear now.
    ~

  10. mourningnmerica

    He's right. Gays should simply not have sex. For a lifetime. Like never, ever. He's a real fuckin' pragmatist, that guy.

  11. user-of-owls

    There are many things to be said about the GOP crazies

    Biggest understatement or biggest understatement EVER?

  12. BlueStateLibel

    For fun, try "is michele bachman…" I like the fourth one down. And how anyone could possibly think this crazy Bible thumper is Jewish is beyond me, America really has the stupidz.

      1. Beowoof

        As a Jew I can tell you we don't want her. I think she should stick with her English origins, probably a descendant of the Sheriff of Nottingham

    1. mavenmaven

      That "believing themselves to be Jews" shtick is a standard line of the fundie groups, it goes along with seeing themselves as direct apostles without intermediary church history. It does not mean that they have any fondness for actual Jews.

      1. finallyhappy

        well, until they go to Hebrew school, eat gribnes, gefilte fish and fast for Yom Kippur- I say "GOYIM!"

  13. user-of-owls

    Well thank god I just got on the sobriety bandwagon (24 days, woot woot!), or else I'd certainly be gay soon.

    And if you think Mrs. Owls had serious issues with the alcoholism, just imagine…

    1. Radiotherapy®

      I am so proud of you owls. That is awesome and inspiring. I know this sounds gay, but I've actually cut back (however modestly) and considered sobriety since you and Dewey jumped on the wagon.

      1. user-of-owls

        Thanks, my ever circuity amigo. Thanks for the support, which I've always known was there, and thanks for at least reconsidering steps, little or big, to bring a little peace into your life. There are folks, most in fact, that are perfectly capable of managing their drinking and actually incorporating it into their lives in a positive, happy way. I am not one of those lucky people, and neither is our friend Dewey. Playing our struggles out so publicly wasn't a plan at all. In fact it occurred when I randomly saw a late night, pre-holiday post buried deep in comment pile. When Dewey mentioned he was going on a "diet of Anabuse and Ativan", well, i just happened to know exactly what that meant. I sent what I thought was a sincere, but rather short, expression of support and pride in his endeavor, noting that i would be doing the same thing a few weeks later. It was only later that I heard how that simple reply to him ultimately saved him from turning back. Dewey can tell you better than me. And then the saga started, and far and away the most incredible outpouring of support, similar experience stories and, no other way to say it, love. So for all the icky seriousness we've polluted poor Wonket with, I think it was (and is) a pretty valuable little thing and I am delighted that it touched you in some way, as some level. You take care of your tubes, compa, and thanks again for the kind words!

          1. user-of-owls

            There is nothing better to say than you're sending love and support. There's never anything better to say than that. Thank you deeply and sincerely.

          1. user-of-owls

            Thanks jukes, throw a quarter in the machine and play something good for Day 26 tomorrow!

          2. Jukesgrrl

            I went to a Nils Lofgrin concert last night. He talked about quitting drinking, "Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol. Every time I drank it, I broke out in handcuffs."

            Continued good luck.

      1. user-of-owls

        She's a native Korean. I can foresee explaining exactly what a 'gloryhole' is being a rather stupefying process.

        Besides, like I said, I gave up the booze, so now I'm inoculated against teh Gay, right?

        1. mayor_quimby

          I think you're good. I duct tape my asshole shut whenever I drink, and then only drink through straws, just in case. Can't be too careful.

          1. SpurningBeer

            No, no. Drinking seltzer is totally butch. The issue is what you are NOT drinking while being sober.

            If you're not drinking a Busch, Miller, or Bud product, immunity should be assured.

            If you're not drinking Cosmopolitans or anything containing fruit juice, cream, or champagne, Dr. Bachmann would like a word with you.

            Anything inbetween entails some risk.

    2. not that Dewey

      Yeah, well at least Spanky2B didn't gate-crash your coming-out party. Eventually we got a couple Bears to show him the way "out".

  14. mourningnmerica

    Please, baby Jesus, let this guy get the nomination. Please, please, God. I thought hope was lost when Sarah dropped out. But then… you blessed us with this guy. Thank you, Jesus. Praise Jesus. God is good.

  15. Callyson

    Perry also drew a parallel between homosexuality and alcoholism. “Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink"
    Choice:
    1. Listen to Rick Perry, and remember that he is the current GOP frontrunner for President
    2. Drink
    I choose "drink." A lot.

  16. Schmegeg

    The origins of Homosexuality? Dunno, but I suspect male cheerleading might be a strong symptom/

    1. Beowoof

      There were some interesting stories about a prostitute in New Orleans talking about doing W with a strap-on. So another male cheerleader from Texas trying to act as if he is tough guy with cowboy boots; just trying to cover who he really is.

  17. franco_pinyon

    I have always wondered why these gay-haters aren't talking about adulterers at least as much, if not more, than gays. There is an actual commandment against adultery.

    The indignation of the religious right seems a little selective, n'est-ce pas?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      God winks at adultery. Mark Sanford is out there trolling for a way back into the game even as we speak. But if the dick goes in the wrong-gendered hole, you're Satan's s'more.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      Id also like to hear a little more about coveting. Another actual in the Bible commandment. For good measure, Jesus stays silent on the twinks and rails against the rich. Don't hear many repubs quoting these things.

      1. franco_pinyon

        No-o-ho-ho…. Not gonna get on the rich. never mind that the NT spends some little time talking about the dangers of being too wealthy.

        Fortunately, I am quite safe in that regard.

    3. zhubajie

      Well, if the fundy preachers talked against the really popular sins (like gluttony or avarice), no one would give them money! So they pick up on minor sexual behaviors that don't attract 90% of their audience.

  18. Radiotherapy®

    The funny thing is that now somebody actually has to read Mein Texaskampf…can you imagine?

  19. athar10

    Conservative, Christian fundamentalist Republicans: They hate those damn queers, but they love that gay sex!

  20. rocktonsam

    Also, Rick W. Perry did turn up old sparky to sizzle,retards too, also

    what a shitstack of shit

  21. athar10

    Minimum wage jobs, sixth grade educations, mandatory church attendance (if you want to keep that job) and a devastated natural environment for everybody!

    Rick Perry for President!

  22. iburl

    As a Texan, I long ago gave up hope that the USA as a whole was too smart to elect a bullshit saturated fake cowboy as president.

  23. FakaktaSouth

    Much like trigonometry, I will never understand homophobia, faux-homophobia, or the ability to use something that is absolutely none of anybody's business against people for one's own political gain. Power and attention must truly be the most amazing feeling in the world for these people because they are absolutely willing to sell their humanity for it.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      I may be curious about the ratios of the sides of similar triangles, but so long as I have not participated in any trigonometric functions, I am right with God!!

  24. Chet Kincaid

    "“Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink"

    This is why it is important to pattern our behavior after God-fearing politicians like Michele Bachmann, and flee screaming at the sight of homosexuals. Once the cock or tongue goes in, you are powerless!!

  25. mumbly_joe

    He wrote that he is “no expert on the ‘nature versus nurture’ debate,”

    Of course not. He flunked all those classes.

  26. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I submit that unbounded stupidity to the point of causing a slack jaw reaction from any being with an ounce of sentience be defined by the word perry.

    Example of proper use.

    President Michele Bachmanns's perry was evident when she launched several nucular (renamed 2 days after she was sworn in 2012) warheads at Russia (renamed Soviet Union on all maps after 1 day in office) after watching Red Dawn and mistakenly thinking it was a documentary.

  27. mayor_quimby

    Also, those on the east timezone, tune into ABC nightline for some christo-warrior family who is poor, has had 18 kids, and the little boy says they are making an army for christ.
    Jesus Hussein Christ! Get the popcorn!

    1. Negropolis

      I saw the program. They even had a visit to the Duggars. I feel both sadness and pity for the children when they are confronted with the realreal real world outside their rural county.

  28. JoshuaNorton

    There are many things to be said about the GOP crazies

    The last time I saw such a mish-mash of humanoid life forms was the cantina scene in "Star Wars".

  29. Negropolis

    I'll be so glad when we can work people like the Rickses out of our system. But, America just doesn't seem to know how to quite them…

  30. donner_froh

    Perry also drew a parallel between homosexuality and alcoholism. “Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink

    I agree, based on personal experience–once a homosexual enters my body I am powerless to resist.

  31. flamingpdog

    Since leaping into the GOP presidential race, Texas Gov. Rick Perry hasn’t been asked if he thinks gays are born or made.

    Oh, I bet he's made more than a few of them in his time.

  32. flamingpdog

    Rep. Michelle Bachmann called homosexuality a “sexual dysfunction” as recently as 2004. “It is a very sad life,” she said of homosexuality. “Its part of Satan to say that this is gay. It is anything but gay.”

    Dear CrazyEyed Poopbag: The reason it is anything but gay is because ignorant dildobrains like you make it that way with the vile venom you vomit from your piehole every time you get up in front of a microphone.

    P.S. Chely, FYI.

  33. subsum

    Told ya: there are people in Austin running around with bumper stickers on their cars procaliming that "Rick Perry likes baby dick".

  34. BerkeleyBear

    As an Eagle Scout (yep, I even had the cheap enamel ring for a while – then I got laid) I can safely say the worst damn thing that ever happened to Scouting was when the leaders started getting all preachy about the gay thing. Back in the 70s, the BSA was mainly trying to make sure Scoutmaster didn't talk to anyone about sex and told them to STFU about it. Then the Mormons and Fundies both invaded the leadership and we heard a bunch of shit about how being "morally straight" really meant NO GHEYS ALLOWED. At the same time we were told to worship the memory of Lord Baden-Powell, a "confirmed bachelor" who spent his life surrounded by nubile young men in uniform.

    I don't know if straight boys are naturally homophobic or not – personally it seemed like it was just a lot easier to talk shit about "queers" with everyone else than admit I had no idea what I liked at that point – but adding anti-gay language to the official message greenlit macho asshole men to model and encourage intolerance that it took me years to question/reject.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Ironically enough, I was picked on enough as a kid that when my peers started targeting teh gheys, it wasn't all that difficult for me to figure that there wasn't anything wrong with gheyness and that the kids were asshats. After all, there was nothing wrong with me, I was just kinda nerdy and also a lot smarter than the rest of them.

  35. Warpde

    “Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink,” he wrote. “And, even if someone is attracted to a person of the same sex, he or she still makes a choice to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same gender. So back the fuck off motherfuckers. It was only once, well, twice, maybe. But hey! hey! hey! I was really drunk at the time and he wanted it.
    Ohhhhhhh! He wanted it. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm boyscout's."

  36. flamingpdog

    his first book, “On My Honor,” a encomium on the Boy Scouts published in 2008

    Encomium? When I think of Rick Perry, I don't think of encomium, I think of this.

      1. flamingpdog

        Jus' to clarify (reverse pun not intended), I wasn't thinking in terms of what Perry does, but in terms of what Perry is.

  37. Negropolis

    You see, Ricky, when two people love each other very much…

    What I'm comforted about is that it seems that the media, if only slightly, is beginning to seriously question candidates about their past statements concerning this "issue", and I put it in quotes because it's really only a policy issue with them. The economy better explode, again, 'cause otherwise not a damned one of those rejects is going to even get close to the White House, anymore, solely riding the culture wars rail.

  38. WordSaladNation

    “And, even if someone is attracted to a person of the same sex, he or she still makes a choice to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same gender.”

    I hate—HATE—how people mix up "sex" and "gender." I know that saying "sex" would elicit uncomfortable titters from the Far Right (as would saying "titter"), but let's all think back to Women's Studies 101. "Sex" is biological; "gender" is not.

    This is not to say that I support Rick Perry, regardless of the language he uses, because he is a thuggish brute with really good hair.

    Come to think of it: Rick Perry does have really good hair and probably gets manicures, right? And what do we think of those people who are sexed male but gendered female? Those boys who play with dolls or who like to wear dresses or, later on, listen to Celine Dion, enjoy watching "Glee," have good hair, get manicures, and run for President? HMMMMMM, RICK?

  39. Tundra Grifter

    "…gays should simply choose abstinence."

    Otherwise, they will have sex and then get preggers and then want free government-funded abortions.

  40. Tundra Grifter

    Anyone seriously interested in today's politics needs to read or listen to this Fresh Air episode:
    http://www.npr.org/2011/08/24/139781021/the-evang

    Terry Gross produced, in my opinion, the best summary of Black Liberation Theology I ever heard. It is far different from the tripe the right wing nutz rant and rave about.

    On the other hand, Ole Crazy Eyes and Texas DownLower aren't going to openly discuss this radical Christian movement.

    We need to know about this!

  41. smitallica

    Yes, gays should just be abstinent. I mean, look how well that strategy works for Catholic clergy.

  42. spinozasgod

    I heard a blurb of him defending abstance olny education and his defense, even though the numbers prove him wrong, was to state over and over that he knows it works through personal experience…….

  43. OneYieldRegular

    Even when a bigot feels powerless over bigotry when it enters his tiny, feeble brain, he still makes a choice to be a bigot.

  44. ttommyunger

    Look, Rick, just because you can abstain from sex with your wife with little effort, don't expect teh gays to be as strong-willed as you are. Ha, ha, ha, I crack myself up. He is so gay!

  45. DahBoner

    "Gays should simply choose abstinence…"

    What's really weird is that some gays are crazy enough to choose to be Republicans.

    Or were they just born crazy fucking fools?

Comments are closed.