ALLAH IS SUPER PISSED  5:03 pm August 24, 2011

God Now Aiming Hurricane Irene Directly At Billionaires’ Mansions In the Hamptons

by Wonkette Jr.

Congress will probably figure out a way to get Obama to make the hurricane strike working people in Long Island instead, but for the moment the bulls-eye is on the Hamptons. Reuters reports:

According to New York City’s Office of Emergency Management, the last hurricane to pass directly over the city was in 1821 — and it caused tides to rise 13 feet in one hour, flooding all of lower Manhattan to Canal St.

But for Long Island, the threat is much worse. People still talk about the Long Island Express of 1938, a Category 3 storm that the U.S. government has said would cause $40 billion in damage if it hit today.

Meteorologists say the risk appears most acute for areas like the Hamptons, an eastern Long Island playground for New York’s rich.

[Reuters]

 
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{ 90 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] August 24, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Excellent! I heard that Mittens is supposed to be heading to the Hamptons after he's done stalking Barry in Martha's Vineyard.

MichelesPantalones August 24, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Good news!

nounverb911 August 24, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Still needs more tsunamis.

Barb August 24, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Fuck 'em, gold doesn't rust.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard August 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Let's hope their pockets are full of it when the waters hit.

nounverb911 August 24, 2011 at 5:08 pm

How inconsiderate of God to come visit the Hamptons before Labor Day uninvited.

Tundra Grifter August 24, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Last chance to wear white shoes.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 24, 2011 at 7:28 pm

The main thing to keep in mind is that God continues to deflect rain from Texas.
Long Island is just collateral damage.

MLHencken August 24, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Dear God,

Don't forget to crush Lloyd Blankfein's house while you're out there.

And make sure its the new one, and his "old 14 million dollar dump" on Parsonage Lane in Sagaponack.

Oh, and might as well obliterate Billy Joel's house too. He's kind of a dick.

Sincerely,

MLHencken

nounverb911 August 24, 2011 at 5:22 pm
RedneckMuslin August 24, 2011 at 6:34 pm

And the Great Gatsby's.

MichelesPantalones August 24, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Blankfein just lawyered him up some serious criminal law practitioner. Rumour is he's looking at hard time. So his homes are probably the least of his worries right now.

SorosBot August 24, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Why can't Irene his New Jersey instead, the people there could use a good wash.

nounverb911 August 24, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Can they use Chris Christie as a dike? (That doesn't sound right).

DaRooster August 24, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Nope… he would float waaaay too much.

Limeylizzie August 24, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Apologies to lesbians everywhere, I think.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 24, 2011 at 7:32 pm

NJ's already gotten a pretty good soaking… the water table is about a foot down right now. A hurricane is the last thing they need.

hagajim August 24, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I hope it fucking flattens those assholes…then they can live in the houses the government is selling them for pennies on the dollar.

Come here a minute August 24, 2011 at 5:17 pm

All that will be left is a single green light, minute and far away.

SmutBoffin August 24, 2011 at 5:17 pm

This is just like Katrina, but in reverse, somehow. (Since it will disproportionally affect whitey?)

What will Wolf Blitzer say?

Texan_Bulldog August 24, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Since white people don't loot, wonder what footage the networks will constantly replay? Oh, I know–Anderson Cooper crying because Buffy can't find her diamond encrusted spatula.

rahelio August 24, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Rich people don't have to loot since the government bails them out all the fucking time.

KenLayIsAlive August 24, 2011 at 6:37 pm

They'll just send their servants out to requisition some supplies.

DoktorThompson August 24, 2011 at 7:22 pm

"Since white people don't loot…"

Where do you think Brad Newell of Sublime got that guitar that he's playing today, hey?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 24, 2011 at 7:35 pm

White people don't loot? Who do you think trashed your IRA, wiped out half of your home equity, and took a half-trillion of your taxes in bailout money?
(Hint: It wasn't Willie Horton.)

Native_of_SL_UT August 24, 2011 at 8:01 pm

I guess it would be more accurate to say they don't loot after disasters. They loot to cause them.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 24, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Before, during, and after — and they pay themselves gigantic bonuses when they do a particulary good job of it.

comrad_darkness August 24, 2011 at 9:47 pm

White people loot, they just do it the aid of the government.

MichelesPantalones August 24, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Remember those white people not-looting during Katrina? They were "helping themselves" politely to water and food from a grocery store, right next to crowds of crazed black looters doing exactly the same thing looting.

SpurningBeer August 24, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Heck of a job, Whitey.

fuflans August 24, 2011 at 5:17 pm

god seems fairly specific in his answers of late.

DaRooster August 24, 2011 at 5:18 pm

So what did they do to piss off God?

Radiotherapy® August 24, 2011 at 5:27 pm

They piss me off, that's for sure.

donner_froh August 24, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Every fucking thing they do pisses off God.

Signed, God

MichelesPantalones August 24, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Wasn't that a Jimmy Brown song? Wha'd I do to make you mad this time, Baby?

PuckStopsHere August 24, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Probably a promotional stunt for that ABC series "Revenge". Unless God hates rich people, which he doesn't. Unless they are fags, but that pretty much goes w/out saying.

ManchuCandidate August 24, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Why do you bastards hate capitalists? They're the greatest humans alive because greed is good and they're greedy as fuck all. That's what the most successful cultist of all time (in her mind) Ayn Rand wants us to believe. Besides the Invisible Hand of the free Market will swish that minor breeze away from the producers to the parasites as it should.

nounverb911 August 24, 2011 at 5:25 pm

The invisible hand flashing the visible finger?

zhubajie August 25, 2011 at 5:59 am

Because they keep screwing the rest of us over!

Indiepalin August 24, 2011 at 5:24 pm

This is a job for Mike Brown.

Boredw/Gravitas August 24, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Oh please just spare Ina Garten. I haven't perfected that chicken broth recipe yet.

Barb August 24, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Use a "good" chicken.

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Keep brothing that chicken, Bw/G.

Wonderthing August 24, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Do the Rich still have all the cool old shit that's dangerous as hell in their playground, or did they have to put that boring "safe"bright colored plastic shit in when godless politically correct parameciums said so? If so, I wanna go there. I have a raincoat.

Radiotherapy® August 24, 2011 at 5:29 pm

This is not good news for Ruth Madoff.

widestanceshakedown August 24, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I can hardly wait for the footage of the rich stranded on top of their pool houses for someone to bring them chardonnay, and not the chianti someone thought would be funny for them to drink in an emergency.

"Oh, look, Muffy SCAVENGED some water crackers, too"

joobajooba August 24, 2011 at 8:59 pm

That's right. They're FORAGING in the Hamptons and LOOTING in Harlem.

comrad_darkness August 24, 2011 at 9:49 pm

lol "Muffy"

MichelesPantalones August 24, 2011 at 11:18 pm

They'll have no shortage of water crackers soon, if you get my drift.

johnnyzhivago August 24, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Mansions are people too!!!

comrad_darkness August 24, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Are we going to get that speech from Mitt Romney next?

Mumbletypeg August 24, 2011 at 5:35 pm

V’la l’bon vent
V’la joli vent
V’la l’bon vent
M’amie m’appelle
V’la l’bon vent
V’la joli vent
V’la, les asticots:
Votre Dieu vous attend

Translation [roughly]: get out pretty people and don't let the wind hit ya where the good Lord split ya

BTWBFDIMHO August 24, 2011 at 7:44 pm
Mumbletypeg August 25, 2011 at 12:43 am

:)

weejee August 24, 2011 at 5:36 pm

If they were real studz they'd be driving to the beach to catch some serious surfin' waves running ahead of the storm. Yee hah !!!

DaRooster August 24, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Good thing we did nothing to help out the folks of Joplin… we're gonna need far more money to rebuild these peoples houses.

comrad_darkness August 24, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Given that this people, of all people, CHOOSE to live in that exact spot, they should be totally on their own. Randian style, baby. On their own.

JoshuaNorton August 24, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Meteorologists say the risk appears most acute for areas like the Hamptons,

Get those FEMA forms ready and reserve your trailers now folks.

Obviously needz moar tax cuts, also, too.

Limeylizzie August 24, 2011 at 5:44 pm

I will hunker down in Harlem and order in.

nounverb911 August 24, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Does Katz's deliver?

Barb August 24, 2011 at 5:53 pm

For Lizzie? This Cat would deliver.

nounverb911 August 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

We should set a date and all of us meet under the "When Harry Met Sally" sign some time.

mumbly_joe August 24, 2011 at 8:00 pm

There really should be an NYC Wonkmeete, some day. I made it to the one in DC last October, apropos the Daily Show rally thingy, and it ends up, y'all are really cool and fun to hang out with.

If only people hosted widely attended, but non-racist, idiotic rallies in New York.

Limeylizzie August 24, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Not to us here in the hood, we have few options, sushi, Chinese, Japanese, Indian and really bad pizza and fried chicken.

rahelio August 24, 2011 at 6:53 pm

It pains me that Harlem has no good fried chicken, but in the hinterlands of Bushwick, the only good food around here is Messican and that one falafel place with the weird hours.

Limeylizzie August 24, 2011 at 6:58 pm

The best chicken in Harlem is at a great restaurant called “Native” it is unbelievable, more sauteed than fried but wonderful. Also anything at Amy-Ruth's is fucking amazing.

mumbly_joe August 24, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Over on my side of town, in Messkin Harlem, we have many of the same, as well as some pretty fucking decent pizza (this used to also be Eyetalian Harlem, way back in the day, and Patsy's claims to have been here the whole time).

And, of course, some of the yummiest tacos and hugest cemitas I've ever had (not a double entendre. much.)

Sadly, we're sort of lacking with the good fried chicken over in these parts -mostly just KFC and Chinese restaurants, leastways without heading all the way up to 125th.

Limeylizzie August 24, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Which pizza? I am desperate for decent pizza, we can't get any from the UWS and the ones in Harlem are ghastly. I am on 112th and Malcolm X , where are you?

Callyson August 24, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Guess who will pay the bill in the end? Hint: not the obscenely rich…
"If Irene hits Long Island or southeast Massachusetts, the storm has the potential to be a $10 billion disaster," Weather Underground's Jeff Masters said in a blog post Wednesday.
If Masters is right, that would make the insured losses from Irene some of the worst in history, at a time that insurers are already stretched by record-breaking natural disasters around the world.
High net worth insurers like AIG (AIG.N) and Chubb (CB.N) are big players in those kinds of upper-class regions…"
Bailout in 3…2…1…

OneYieldRegular August 24, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Commenting on Wonkette usually takes some effort. And so here I am, trying to come up with some way to respond to this story by pretentiously working in a "Grey Gardens" reference, and what do I find? That Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee and his wife Sally Quinn bought the place.

My work is done.

102415 August 24, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Yes. Done.

BlueStateLibel August 24, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Miserable drought for Texas and the South; earthquake for D.C. and Wall Street; hurricane for the Hamptons. Makes you almost want to believe there is a God.

weejee August 24, 2011 at 6:22 pm

OT

The secret's out on the east coast earthquake – K-Lo was trying to jump rope.

MichelesPantalones August 24, 2011 at 11:29 pm

That woman's got an impressively flat stomach, compared to K-Lo's normal swinging bag o'lard front butt.

Native_of_SL_UT August 24, 2011 at 7:55 pm

This just goes to prove that God listens to my prayers more than he does Rick Perry's.

DerrickWildcat August 24, 2011 at 9:32 pm

It's just trying to avoid traveling through Texas.

DerrickWildcat August 24, 2011 at 9:34 pm

I hope Nansaugasetfucket doesn't get hit.

fletc3her August 24, 2011 at 9:49 pm

There once was a boy from Nansaugasetfucket
who tried to bail the mansion with a bucket
but the hurricane
washed him down the drain
Rick Perry can go and suck it.

Pres.Beeblebrox August 24, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Maybe Howard Stern's $60 million Manse at Whateverthefucket will get zapped (that was the one which replaced his $15 million loaner at Westhampton) and he'll actually have to start coming to work 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year and doing a real radio program. I know… he's so pre-millennial, I should be listening to O&A, etc….

prommie August 25, 2011 at 10:11 am

O&A blow goats. And thats the high point of the show. Dummies.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi August 24, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Bill O'Reilly was highly agitated tonight
Using his show to ask weather questions.
sure does care a lot about the little people

zhubajie August 25, 2011 at 5:58 am

"Weep and howl, you rich…." Epistle of James

prommie August 25, 2011 at 10:10 am

Its also aimed directly at the Prommie's humble abode and my vulnerable and humble yacht docked out back!

ttommyunger August 25, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Pat Robberson says they'll be fine, unless they've got teh gay.

MiniMencken August 25, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Damn! We could use the rain down here in Dumfukistan.

Winnie_Cooper August 25, 2011 at 4:21 pm

So, basically, it's a bad weekend to be in the insurance industry.

mumbly_joe August 24, 2011 at 8:13 pm

It's a tad far east (I'm on 104th and 2nd), and more of a dine-in place, but 118th and First has Patsy's, which has a cute ongoing feud with the more midtown-oriented Patsy's over which was the original famous Patsy's (they both founded in 1933). Really great pizza, if pretty decidedly thin-crust, and the rest of their food (standard Italian fare) looks amazing, too.

Honestly, our more standard delivery 'rias aren't too bad over on our side of the tracks, either, I could never understand why my previous roommate would insist on eating Dominoes all the time.

Limeylizzie August 24, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Oh I love the Patsy's in mid-town, so Sinatra-esque-the bad, non-cool Sinatra, the reporter-smacking Sinatra!

Barb August 24, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Mumbly, I LOVE NY! Pick a day and I will be there. We could swarm the Colbert Nation website and snag some tickets for a taping of his show.

comrad_darkness August 24, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Oh please oh please!

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