THIS GUY AGAIN  4:04 pm August 24, 2011

Chuck Norris Discovers UN Plot to Steal His Pistols Inside Gun Statue

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Crusty paranoid sad sack Chuck Norris has uncovered evidence that the United Nations is actively plotting to break into his anger cave and boost his vast library of murder weapons (haha, get it?) in the form of Swedish artist Carl Fredrick Reutersward’s anti-violence sculpture of a .38 pistol tied in a knot, which is located at the UN headquarters. What kind of hot washed up action star voodoo did Chuck Norris have to visit on this statue to find this scandalous information? Did he roundhouse kick its sorry nuts off? Did he sodomize it with the Constitution? No! He just “looked at it.” BOO! Probably this is not even Chuck Norris, and just his pastor writing his rants again. Regardless, POLITICO for some unimaginably asinine reason decided to air his fever dreams in their op-ed space. Are they starting a comedy section?

God we hope so. Chuck Norris or whoever is convinced the Obama administration is trying to enact stealth gun control via some UN Arms Trade Treaty that has been in development since 2006 (i.e. before Obama).

Here is some person who may or may not be Chuck Norris, writing in Politico:

An Arms Trade Treaty doesn’t sound bad in concept — isn’t that what the U.N. is for? The problem, however, is what U.N. diplomats consider to be “arms.” To you and me, the word means tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing. But look no further than the U.N. plaza to see what the silk-stocking set considers “arms.” There you will find a bronze statue of a simple .38 revolver — with its barrel tied into a knot.

Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms. This is why the vast majority of U.N. diplomats believe that an arms trade treaty must reach into your gun safe and mine. There is little question that this treaty would require additional restrictions on our Second Amendment rights.

This dingbat hollering is pointless of course, since UN treaties have zero binding effect on U.S. laws. Whoever is in charge just makes a half-assed promise to “try” to follow whatever endless string of words are written on the paper. Here, for example, is the UN whining about Rick Perry violating every international human rights law/treaty/accord on Earth when he executed a Mexican who was denied consular consultation, about which no one, including Obama, could do anything.

Plus, has anyone ever seen how the UN works? The UN first proposed that some people should “like, maybe, somehow? think about” an arms treaty back in 2006. It is now 2011 and they are just kind of “still thinking” about drafting something, also maybe, probably?, which means that there will be a treaty by 2041, when Chuck Norris will already be dead from some idiot gun accident. Cool it, Walker.

FOR EXTRA CREDIT: our 30-second Google search can’t find any evidence that Chuck Norris plagiarized this column just like he normally plagiarizes everything, but eh, probably he did. CAN ANYONE ELSE FIND THE GOLDEN TICKET of proof? [POLITICO YOU SUCK]

 

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{ 160 comments }

ManchuCandidate August 24, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Did he sign this, er, brilliant "thought" piece (of shit) with "Purity Of Essence"?

OneYieldRegular August 24, 2011 at 4:58 pm

"Lord of War."

Jukesgrrl August 24, 2011 at 5:21 pm

You mean he doesn't sign, "Semper fi"?

Beowoof August 24, 2011 at 6:43 pm

It would be more accurate if he had signed it Douche Bag. And he can't use the Semper fi, he was in the Air Force. Probably a cook.

northernbassist August 24, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Semper an fatuus.

Latin for 'Always an idiot.'

Jukesgrrl August 25, 2011 at 12:28 am

PeaBrain was an MP stationed in the US. Probably where he developed his power fantasies. I thought of semper fi because I worked for not one, but two, executives in my Fortune 500 career who signed their missives to employees that way. And neither one of them served AT ALL.

Beowoof August 25, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Ah yes there are many who try to trade on being tough guys, who when confronted would curl up like John Boehner on a wine fueled crying jag.

LabRodent August 24, 2011 at 4:09 pm

See kids, this is what happens when you make a career around getting kicked in the head. (stay in school).

Texan_Bulldog August 24, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Politico is letting Chuck Norris write OpEds now? Sounds about right.

I noticed Roger Simon tweeted that Barry should be huddling with FEMA instead of golfing…you know because of the bad *optics*. Even though not one person was injured or even fell down (well, at least, not because of the earthquake). They suck.

metamarcisf August 24, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Nancy Reagan fell down, but illegal alien vice-presidential candidate Marco Rubio saved her life.

Texan_Bulldog August 24, 2011 at 4:16 pm

I saw that. Bet she hasn't had a brown person touch her in awhile…

Beowoof August 24, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Oh I am pretty sure she's had a pool boy or two while Ronnie was playing the role of a turnip.

Barb August 24, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants. He's the king.

natoslug August 24, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Whereas, considering how often he gets scared shitless by the things the libunatics, Moozlims, commies, Jews, Chinamen, gheys and whatever other bogeymen are supposedly doing, Chuck Norris should be wearing Depends.

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 1:22 am

I'm pretty sure he is already. I mean the guy was old when *I* was a sprog, and I'm an Oldz now (with the senior discout and everything).

Tr0tt0 August 24, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I would have written it for him but my pencil has been tied in a knot, symbolically like, for posting 'Walnuts ain't so bad' in 1999 on the CNN website. Ratz.

BaldarTFlagass August 24, 2011 at 4:10 pm

"Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms. "

Somalia.

Schmannnity August 24, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Darfur.

ManchuCandidate August 24, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Afghanistan.

SorosBot August 24, 2011 at 4:18 pm

And Iraq.

Comrade Wingtard August 24, 2011 at 6:47 pm

This is something that was almost completely unreported. Iraq had a very thriving gun culture similar to the USA when Saddam was in charge.

caitifty August 24, 2011 at 6:59 pm

And look how useful it was for everyone to have an assault rifle in the closet when a foreign invader turned up. The last war where what people had in their closets had roughly the same utility as what the invading military carried was the Boer war. And the Boers still lost, eventually.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 24, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Texas

Schmannnity August 24, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Juarez, Mexico.

genxr August 24, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Plenty of countries. I would suggest Chuck go visit all of them.

Callyson August 24, 2011 at 4:54 pm

With Dick Cheney as a travelling companion.

Inchhigh August 24, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Hunting companion also, too.

Gleem_McShineys August 24, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Could this trip maybe get a corporate sponsor? Like, say, Target?

donner_froh August 24, 2011 at 4:29 pm

The Democratic Republic of the Congo

Tundra Grifter August 24, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Candlestick Park parking lot.

fuflans August 24, 2011 at 11:10 pm

apparently libya right now.

Schmannnity August 24, 2011 at 4:11 pm

To again quote MMA star Forrest Griffin, "Don't take advice from a guy who gets kicked in the head for a living."

nounverb911 August 24, 2011 at 4:11 pm

"Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms."
That's why they all think of us as a third world nation.

JustPixelz August 24, 2011 at 6:24 pm

I think there are other countries with relatively unrestricted gun laws. Somalia comes to mind.

metamarcisf August 24, 2011 at 4:12 pm

This is a cute story, but personally I can't wait for Chuck Norris' stint on next season's "Dancing With the Stars", with his partner, famed Egyptologist Dr. Zahi Hawass.

Goonemeritus August 24, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Thank God Chuck Norris is here to protect us from the tyranny of the all powerful UN. After all once the UN proclaims something it becomes the law of the land and is backed up by a huge fleet of black helicopters.

BaldarTFlagass August 24, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Flown by Indians and Pakistanis.

Jukesgrrl August 24, 2011 at 5:24 pm

And don't forget the phone tapping … oh, what? That was George Bush?

MaxUdargo August 24, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I remember, a few years back, visiting the UN building and seeing the statue he's talking about. Although it's true that it literally depicts a handgun, I took it as a metaphor for violence, and a statement about the UN's mission to develop and promote ways of resolving conflicts that don't involve violence. But then, I wear silk stockings.

But what I really remember from my visit to the UN building was wandering away from the MUN group and doing a little personal exploring, and the things I saw before being brutally told to return to my group by UN security thugs. One of the things I saw was a whole floor with collapsible tables arranged end to end, with hundreds of manual typewriters on them. MANUAL TYPEWRITERS. As in, not electric. As in, not computers. As in, probably the largest collection of manual typewriters in the world. Apparently, this is how UN clerks composed documents and resolutions in the late 1990s. Maybe they still do today.

Yeah, I lie awake in fear of the UN every night.

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 1:26 am

It's tough to afford fancy computer terminals when you subsist on dues paid by various "governments," some of which aren't in power very long, and most of which spend their time squabbling with each other and you about how much they should pay.

Nostrildamus August 24, 2011 at 5:35 pm

After all once the UN proclaims something it becomes the law of the land and is backed up by a huge fleet of black helicopters.

Fixed.

SmutBoffin August 24, 2011 at 4:14 pm

It's writing like this that will get him the UN Ambassadorship in the Perry White House.

Jukesgrrl August 24, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Not an important enough job. Secretary of Defense.

occams8ball August 24, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Perry White will probably pick Jimmy Olsen.

Indiepalin August 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Don't call me Chief!

Radiotherapy® August 24, 2011 at 4:14 pm

He's just jealous because he can't tie his .38 in a knot.

Jukesgrrl August 24, 2011 at 5:25 pm

He can't tie his dick in a knot either. It's too short.

Crank_Tango August 24, 2011 at 4:15 pm

hmm. then what does the "right to bear arms" mean, shithead?

ETA–oh never mind, he contradicted himself in the next paragraph.

GhostBuggy August 24, 2011 at 4:26 pm

You beat me to it. I've heard (many, many, many times from conservatives) that there can't be any restrictions, not no way, not no how, on what "arms" can be kept and bore. But to Chuck, it's just jets and tanks. Except when it's a .38. Or something.

JoshuaNorton August 24, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Some eejit said:

"U.N. diplomats believe that an arms trade treaty must reach into your gun safe and mine."

Two words:

Un. Possible.

You clueless bastard.

mog253 August 25, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Two more: "silk stocking"
WTF????

donner_froh August 24, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Politico has an op-ed space. So that is what is meant by as useful as tits on a boar hog.

Rotundo_ August 24, 2011 at 5:28 pm

At least a boar's tits are decorative elements. Publishing the wit and wisdom of Chuck Norris is substantially less worthwhile. I am still amazed at the raging case of paranoia there is about the UN and about gun ownership. The UN is good for occasional laughs and on rare occasion, they can actually do something positive, but mostly they sit around and lob spitballs back and forth like the house of representatives and the senate do in US government.

ProudLibunatic August 24, 2011 at 5:30 pm

My Texan uncle used to say that!
He also used to say: : "It's colder than a witch's tit in here!" and, (referring to my 13 yr. old self): "I've seen bigger tits on a boar hog!"
Always with the tits.
I guess it's a fun word to say.

LabRodent August 24, 2011 at 4:17 pm

The USA had 9,369 firearms related deaths in 2010, Denmark had 14 and Chile had 9. USA! USA! USA!

Schmannnity August 24, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Exceptional!!!!

LabRodent August 24, 2011 at 4:23 pm

We're number 4 in the world right now but South Africa and Columbia better watch out. We are gunning for them.

metamarcisf August 24, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Yeah, but that's because the U.S. has 670 times as many people as Denmark. Look it up.

Tr0tt0 August 24, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Lets face it, the west is in decline – starting with gun death rates. If the European Union is ever going to reclaim its economic ascendance they're going to have to start clipping people ASAP.

caitifty August 24, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Ok, I looked it up – the US had 15.22 firearm-related deaths per 100,000 population vs Denmark's 2.6 and Chile's 0.06. Only South Africa, Columbia, Thailand and Guatemala had higher rates than the US.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by

mumbly_joe August 24, 2011 at 7:42 pm

And Columbia has FARC, FWIW.

I guess the Teabaggers are America's FARC.

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 1:32 am

Um — 5.5 million/300 million != 670x

genxr August 24, 2011 at 4:46 pm

And Norway– too soon?

JustPixelz August 24, 2011 at 6:31 pm

About half of all murders in the U.S. are by handguns. http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/2011/table

mumbly_joe August 24, 2011 at 7:45 pm

That's just a correlation! Surely if guns were outlawed, the other half of all murders would be committed by handguns, too! Because there'd be no deterrent, and people wouldn't be able to fight off their gun-wielding attackers, like they do now, you see.

comrad_darkness August 24, 2011 at 4:18 pm

The UN does not have freedom of speech stupid libtards, the UN isn't a corporation!!

DaRooster August 24, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I ain't tradin' arms with nobody… I got friggin' guns! I've worked way too hard and done way too many curls and tricep extensions to be tradin'… whu? Oh… those kind of arms.
Never mind.

SorosBot August 24, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I liked how Jack used to abbreviate Politico as "Po'o", now that they've got Chuck Norris('s pastor) write for them it's even more appropriate.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 24, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Oh Chuck. Nobody wants to touch your gun except Larry Craig.

nounverb911 August 24, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Or Rick Perry.

genxr August 24, 2011 at 4:45 pm

By now, he's been there done that.

BaldarTFlagass August 24, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Yo, Chuck, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea was just a TV show. The UN does not have any nuclear-powered submarines sailing around the world working towards subjugating you and seizing your gun collection, and Richard Basehart is still dead.

MonsterAGoGo August 24, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Whatever you do Crow, don't tell Gypsy.

valgal2342 August 24, 2011 at 4:22 pm

"The silk-stocking set", hmmmmm, me thinks Chuck has more than guns in his closet.

Jukesgrrl August 24, 2011 at 5:29 pm

That kind of talk will really get him some fans among the youngsters.

ProudLibunatic August 24, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Yeah, I wondered about that phrase.
Is it an obscure WW2 reference or something?

KenLayIsAlive August 24, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I dooooo believe he is calling the UN a bunch of fancy-men!

Next thing you know, the UN will try to tell us our founding fathers we're a bunch of intellectual poofs in silk stockings and powdered wigs who were trying to bring together a bunch of small states under some sort of overarching government! NEVER!

valgal2342 August 24, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Oh that's gooooooood!

Jukesgrrl August 25, 2011 at 12:35 am

I think it's from the 1920s. Like "23-skidoo." It's just a reference to the rich wearing silk when the prols had to make do with cotton.

mog253 August 25, 2011 at 2:53 pm

The fabric of our lives. heh.

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 1:35 am

He might have been referring to the bluestocking set – you know, those edjumacated ELITISTS who have no money but OPPRESS the POORZ wif their knowledge and stuff.

henrypuppyhead August 24, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Duh. A Total Gym, which he makes sweet love on with Andrew Breitbart. Can you imagine all the angry nut punching that must go on? I know Marcus Bachman can!

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 1:36 am

Is "angry nut punching" a new style of ghey lovemaking? I have not heard of this fetish.

valgal2342 August 25, 2011 at 9:00 am

Oh," angry nut punching " it's the newest fad among the Tea Bagger crowd. They just can't get enough of it.

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 2:43 pm

This is like hatefucking, isn't it?

__kth__ August 25, 2011 at 7:49 am

"Silk-stocking set", says the guy who almost certainly takes his Wranglers to the laundry to be starched and pressed.

donner_froh August 24, 2011 at 4:23 pm

If these idiots knew anything about how ineffectual the UN is when they get a few troops they wouldn't worry about it.

But they don't know anything about anything.

inapewetrust August 24, 2011 at 4:23 pm

hahaha, yes chuck norris that is correct, the UN is going to fondle your gun safe and tie all your pistols into knots, just like how bugs bunny does to elmer fudd. jesus h.

Rotundo_ August 24, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Those wascoes have tied my nine miwameetaw up wike a pwetzow! Dwat!

gullywompr August 24, 2011 at 4:23 pm

"Silk stocking set?" What's THAT supposed to mean?

Oh… we're gay… I get it.

Callyson August 24, 2011 at 4:24 pm

look no further than the U.N. plaza to see what the silk-stocking set considers
Um, UpChuck, the silk – stocking set is on Wall Street, not the U.N. plaza.
Idiot.

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 1:38 am

That's why I don't think he's referring to class. I think he's referring to a different *kind* of "elite" – the educated, not the wealthy.

Mumbletypeg August 24, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Chuck just reeks of an actor who's made his fortune playing a celebrated version of "good guy," but deep down is eager to play someone bad. Not "naughty" bad but 'outlaw' bad — although both roles would do him a dose of good — yet instead of getting out there and taking on that role-switching challenge, he's caving in to play Victim. What a pussy.

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2011 at 4:25 pm

What’s ironic is that the United States already has the world’s pre-eminent system for regulation of true military arms sales. If the rest of the world merely adopted the U.S. regulatory regime, there would be no need for an Arms Trade Treaty.

…which is exactly the reason the rest of the world wants one, dumbass.

Crank_Tango August 24, 2011 at 4:51 pm

they better adopt our regulatory regime before we deregulate it back to the stone age, or maybe just the jazz age.

metamarcisf August 24, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Gun safe!? Is that a joke? Most of these teabuggers leave their weapons lying around anywhere so their tweaker nephews can take them and stick up convenience stores.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 24, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Come on, a .38? You can't stop a Muslim or Commie with that. The UN is just telling you not to use such a wimpy weapon. Mr. Norris, you should be celebrating this monument!

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Really, the author attribution says it all:

Chuck Norris, a has-been actor, washed-up martial artist and self-aggrandizing author best known as a serial plagiarist, is the honorary chairman of the National Rifle Association’s voter registration program, Trigger the Vote and Don't Forget to Catch the Nigger-in-Chief in your Surveyor's Marks.

Jukesgrrl August 24, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Well-done, but you forgot "spokesman for the Jesus-approved Total Gym®."

ifthethunderdontgetya August 24, 2011 at 4:33 pm

(i.e. before Obama)

So we're talking Bill Clinton, then.

/creating reality
~

arihaya August 24, 2011 at 4:33 pm

i thought he doesn't need any gun,, he can just round kick 'em all can't he?

NewYorkJew August 24, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Plagiarism alert:

From Rang de India's facebook page: "No other country in the world enjoys the freedoms that the people in India enjoy."

"Chuck Norris": "no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms."

Uncanny!

JustPixelz August 24, 2011 at 6:34 pm

I thought Somalia was the libertarian paradise.

Barrelhse August 24, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Rang de India better be careful who he's plagiarizing.

Redhead August 24, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Why isn't he in a retirement home somewhere, like all the football players who get hit in the head till they become senile and are sent off to a "home" where they can babble on without hurting anyone?

LabRodent August 24, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Old senile white guys are IN right now at least after Obama became president.

weejee August 24, 2011 at 4:36 pm

You'll have to peel my dead tonsils back to get take away my punz!

Chillwaver August 24, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Wanker, Texas Ranger.

genxr August 24, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Imagine how smart and insightful he thinks he sounds. It's really funny.

prommie August 24, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Well of course the black President is going to unleash the socialist Black Helicopters.

Hera Sent Me August 24, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Some guns are more equal than others.

BTWBFDIMHO August 24, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Today is conspiration day!
Fresh air had a great program today, about Perry and the Evangelics. http://www.npr.org/programs/fresh-air/

fartknocker August 24, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Chuck Norris will endorse Rick Perry because Gubnor Douchebag made him an honorary Texas Ranger (the law enforcement type, not the baseball type). I think that say's everything I need to know.
http://www.austin360.com/blogs/content/shared-gen

ProudLibunatic August 24, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Whenever the Texas Rangers lose, I get a kick out of imagining Dubya's sad face.
When the Giants won the World Series, I REALLY enjoyed the hell out of it!

owhatever August 24, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Break into you gun safe? Why don't you just keep your loaded assault weapons leaning in the corner of the kitchen like an ordinary person? How else is junior going to borrow it to take to school?

I guess Norris' real message is that karate doesn't work so well, so it's better just to shoot people.

BornInATrailer August 24, 2011 at 4:51 pm

You're both right and wrong. Chuck shoots people by roundhouse kicking the bullets at them.

GunToting[Redacted] August 24, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Great. Cue the fever dreams of "blue-helmeted shock troops" in my shooting club in 3… 2…

Fare la Volpe August 24, 2011 at 4:46 pm

THE UN IS NOT GOING TO TAKE AWAY YOUR METAL PENIS, YOU FUCK.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 24, 2011 at 4:48 pm

But their mind-control rays have shriveled up his real one!

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 1:41 am

Well, that and the steroids that kept screaming "Eat Me!" whenever Chuckie walked by.

caitifty August 24, 2011 at 7:06 pm

I think you mean "YOU STUPID FUCK"

hollywooddood August 24, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Chuck, you ignorant slut.

OneYieldRegular August 24, 2011 at 4:52 pm

No other country in the world enjoys America's constitutional right to have 3,000 or so children killed by guns each year.

genxr August 24, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Do we really want to save those children's lives at the expense of personal responsibility?

lochnessmonster August 24, 2011 at 4:59 pm

We know he doesn't like Michelle Obama's bare arms but does he like Michele Bachmann's?

arihaya August 24, 2011 at 5:09 pm

so is it the Muslins or the Jews that will take our weapons?

Pragmatist2 August 24, 2011 at 5:12 pm

What Chuck should understand is that, as anyone who has worked with the UN knows, those guys couldn't budge from their self-admiration long enough to start a conspiracy and they would screw it up royallz if they did.

Jukesgrrl August 24, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Not to mention that they're all too busy illegally parking in Manhattan.

PuckStopsHere August 24, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I care as much about what this shitbag thinks as I do what Pat Sajack thinks. Which is to say, I care more about that which comes out of my ass every day. Or that which used to come out of my ass every day. Now, maybe not every day. But, that's a comment for another post at another time.

Nostrildamus August 24, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Texas Happy Hour: Bud-lite, jalapeno poppers, corn nuts, executing a Mexican.

El Pinche August 24, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Chuck Norris needs guns now? When did his dick fall off and sprout a clitoris?

I guess thats what happens when you hang out with Christie Brinkley or whatever.

ProudLibunatic August 24, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Hey!
Watch what you say about us vagina-havers!
He's one of yours!
(Even if his dick falls off.)

El Pinche August 24, 2011 at 7:58 pm

I like your Vaginas, I do not like your Vagina-havers…

Radiotherapy® August 24, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Hey, cut him a little break, it's not easy playing a hero on teevee.

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 1:43 am

I'd love to! Bring his "little break" right over.

Nostrildamus August 24, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Two disturbing images of Chuckles:

1. thinking arms, as in right to bear arms, meaning "tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing".
2. his "gun safe".

bflrtsplk August 24, 2011 at 5:47 pm

You would think that with all those guns around, one would have accidentally gone off on the Chucker by now. Just sayin'.

Mort_Sinclair August 24, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Chuck Norris, Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, Jon Voight, Adam Baldwin should pool their respective pennies and move to Wasilla to form a community theater. There. No one can say I've never offered a constructive suggestion.

Rotundo_ August 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Meth head acting. Perfect for the Wasilla Go-rilla and all the Wasilla-oids. Imagine their adaptation of Death of a Salesman: "Git offen my porch or eat hawt lead slick."

Jukesgrrl August 25, 2011 at 12:39 am

Victoria Jackson in Streetcar: I have always deepinded on the kindness of conservatives — because libruls are just doody-heads. Harhar."

genxr August 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I think we should stick with that original idea of an oil platform in international waters with no building codes.

Come on, UpChuck, when was the last time you used a gun for something other than jerking off?

MonsterAGoGo August 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

As long as they don't take Mike Nelson of MST3K fame. He may be a blog-reading righty, but he doesn't force his views on others. And apparently he is a nice enough guy that his liberal probably-pothead hippie coworkers don't hate him. I was heartbroken when I read he was a righty, but he is welcome to his views as long as he doesn't force em on me. And keeps making funny jokes.

johnnyzhivago August 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Is there a UN subcommittee investigating trucknutz?

Mahousu August 24, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Chuck Norris looks forward to the day we shall bend our plowshares into swords.and our pruning hooks into spears.

Sue4466 August 24, 2011 at 7:03 pm

"Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms." Which in his definition means "tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing." But not .38s.

Okay, so you have a right to a fighter jet but not a .38. Let's go with that.

owhatever August 24, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Pry his gun from his cold, dead fingers? Works for me.

Barrelhse August 24, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Depending on the meaning of "gun", of course.

MichelesPantalones August 25, 2011 at 1:45 am

Since he's still alive, you'll have to kill him first. Bet you hadn't thought of that, had you?

Oh, wait …

smitallica August 24, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Know what's the coolest thing about guns, Chuck?
They make your lifetime spent perfecting martial arts and honing your body to perfection fucking meaningless.

Jukesgrrl August 25, 2011 at 12:41 am

Reminds me of that Indiana Jones line, "Why don't I just shoot the fucker?"

widget2011 August 24, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Hey, slow down people. Chuck Norris won the Vietnam War for us. He also defeated those pesky Japaneese, after they bombed Pearl Harbor. I even remember when he kicked the Kieser's ass back in 1918, and before that he pistol whipped Poncho Villa. Then there was the time he dealt the Union Army that thrashing back in 1864 and re-instituted slavery. In addition, he kicked the British'es asses not once, but TWICE! All of this SINGLE-HANDEDLY, Now what you got to say smarty-pants.

Jukesgrrl August 25, 2011 at 12:44 am

He's in better shape than Jack LaLanne? (Too soon?)

Sharkey August 24, 2011 at 8:46 pm

It's gotten to the point we can't even get through a fucking CHUCK NORRIS post without g-d somehow working into it. G-FUCKING-D.

I AM FUCKING TIRED OF IT KRISTEN.

I DON'T CARE WHO YOUR DEITY IS.

Grow up please!

HelmutNewton August 24, 2011 at 9:02 pm

If you think Chuckie is mad now, just WAIT until the occupying U.N. troops try to take away his Total Gym®!!

mumbly_joe August 24, 2011 at 10:14 pm

To you and me, the word means tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing.

So, Chuck is pretty sure "arms" is just supposed to mean things like missiles and aircraft, not little stuff like handguns (because the term "small arms" has never been used in human history for personal firearms oops there I go again).

So… the right to keep and bear arms doesn't apply to personal weapons, which the "silk stocking set" should feel free to take, is what he's saying? Kinda a shitty spokesperson for the NRA to turn to, don't ya think?

Warpde August 25, 2011 at 12:39 am

Me's thinks Chuck's taken a few too many blows to the head.

slowhansolo August 25, 2011 at 12:48 am

Chuck has been a joke ever since Bruce Lee kicked his ass in that movie with the title I can't remember.

ttommyunger August 25, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Why is this person so interested in guns? The Ted Nugent Disease, perhaps? Weiness Tineosis? Gooberitis migitosis? Penisitis Microscopus? Dwarfus Dickiosis?

mumbly_joe August 24, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Right, but at least it gave them a recourse against tyrannical government overrea… oh, right.

mog253 August 25, 2011 at 2:54 pm

More like the youngz on AOTS, they can't enough of it, if it means they'll be on the Intertubes.

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