Crusty paranoid sad sack Chuck Norris has uncovered evidence that the United Nations is actively plotting to break into his anger cave and boost his vast library of murder weapons (haha, get it?) in the form of Swedish artist Carl Fredrick Reutersward’s anti-violence sculpture of a .38 pistol tied in a knot, which is located at the UN headquarters. What kind of hot washed up action star voodoo did Chuck Norris have to visit on this statue to find this scandalous information? Did he roundhouse kick its sorry nuts off? Did he sodomize it with the Constitution? No! He just “looked at it.” BOO! Probably this is not even Chuck Norris, and just his pastor writing his rants again. Regardless, POLITICO for some unimaginably asinine reason decided to air his fever dreams in their op-ed space. Are they starting a comedy section?

God we hope so. Chuck Norris or whoever is convinced the Obama administration is trying to enact stealth gun control via some UN Arms Trade Treaty that has been in development since 2006 (i.e. before Obama).

Here is some person who may or may not be Chuck Norris, writing in Politico:

An Arms Trade Treaty doesn’t sound bad in concept — isn’t that what the U.N. is for? The problem, however, is what U.N. diplomats consider to be “arms.” To you and me, the word means tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing. But look no further than the U.N. plaza to see what the silk-stocking set considers “arms.” There you will find a bronze statue of a simple .38 revolver — with its barrel tied into a knot.

Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms. This is why the vast majority of U.N. diplomats believe that an arms trade treaty must reach into your gun safe and mine. There is little question that this treaty would require additional restrictions on our Second Amendment rights.

This dingbat hollering is pointless of course, since UN treaties have zero binding effect on U.S. laws. Whoever is in charge just makes a half-assed promise to “try” to follow whatever endless string of words are written on the paper. Here, for example, is the UN whining about Rick Perry violating every international human rights law/treaty/accord on Earth when he executed a Mexican who was denied consular consultation, about which no one, including Obama, could do anything.

Plus, has anyone ever seen how the UN works? The UN first proposed that some people should “like, maybe, somehow? think about” an arms treaty back in 2006. It is now 2011 and they are just kind of “still thinking” about drafting something, also maybe, probably?, which means that there will be a treaty by 2041, when Chuck Norris will already be dead from some idiot gun accident. Cool it, Walker.

FOR EXTRA CREDIT: our 30-second Google search can’t find any evidence that Chuck Norris plagiarized this column just like he normally plagiarizes everything, but eh, probably he did. CAN ANYONE ELSE FIND THE GOLDEN TICKET of proof? [POLITICO YOU SUCK]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Did he sign this, er, brilliant "thought" piece (of shit) with "Purity Of Essence"?

    • OneYieldRegular

      "Lord of War."

    • Jukesgrrl

      You mean he doesn't sign, "Semper fi"?

      • Beowoof

        It would be more accurate if he had signed it Douche Bag. And he can't use the Semper fi, he was in the Air Force. Probably a cook.

        • northernbassist

          Semper an fatuus.

          Latin for 'Always an idiot.'

        • Jukesgrrl

          PeaBrain was an MP stationed in the US. Probably where he developed his power fantasies. I thought of semper fi because I worked for not one, but two, executives in my Fortune 500 career who signed their missives to employees that way. And neither one of them served AT ALL.

          • Beowoof

            Ah yes there are many who try to trade on being tough guys, who when confronted would curl up like John Boehner on a wine fueled crying jag.

  • LabRodent

    See kids, this is what happens when you make a career around getting kicked in the head. (stay in school).

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Politico is letting Chuck Norris write OpEds now? Sounds about right.

    I noticed Roger Simon tweeted that Barry should be huddling with FEMA instead of golfing…you know because of the bad *optics*. Even though not one person was injured or even fell down (well, at least, not because of the earthquake). They suck.

    • metamarcisf

      Nancy Reagan fell down, but illegal alien vice-presidential candidate Marco Rubio saved her life.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        I saw that. Bet she hasn't had a brown person touch her in awhile…

        • Beowoof

          Oh I am pretty sure she's had a pool boy or two while Ronnie was playing the role of a turnip.

  • Barb

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants. He's the king.

    • Whereas, considering how often he gets scared shitless by the things the libunatics, Moozlims, commies, Jews, Chinamen, gheys and whatever other bogeymen are supposedly doing, Chuck Norris should be wearing Depends.

      • MichelesPantalones

        I'm pretty sure he is already. I mean the guy was old when *I* was a sprog, and I'm an Oldz now (with the senior discout and everything).

  • Tr0tt0

    I would have written it for him but my pencil has been tied in a knot, symbolically like, for posting 'Walnuts ain't so bad' in 1999 on the CNN website. Ratz.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms. "


    • Schmannnity


    • Afghanistan.

      • SorosBot

        And Iraq.

        • This is something that was almost completely unreported. Iraq had a very thriving gun culture similar to the USA when Saddam was in charge.

          • caitifty

            And look how useful it was for everyone to have an assault rifle in the closet when a foreign invader turned up. The last war where what people had in their closets had roughly the same utility as what the invading military carried was the Boer war. And the Boers still lost, eventually.

          • mumbly_joe

            Right, but at least it gave them a recourse against tyrannical government overrea… oh, right.

    • Texas

      • Schmannnity

        Juarez, Mexico.

    • genxr

      Plenty of countries. I would suggest Chuck go visit all of them.

      • Callyson

        With Dick Cheney as a travelling companion.

        • Inchhigh

          Hunting companion also, too.

          • Gleem_McShineys

            Could this trip maybe get a corporate sponsor? Like, say, Target?

    • The Democratic Republic of the Congo

    • Tundra Grifter

      Candlestick Park parking lot.

    • fuflans

      apparently libya right now.

  • Schmannnity

    To again quote MMA star Forrest Griffin, "Don't take advice from a guy who gets kicked in the head for a living."

  • nounverb911

    "Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms."
    That's why they all think of us as a third world nation.

    • I think there are other countries with relatively unrestricted gun laws. Somalia comes to mind.

  • metamarcisf

    This is a cute story, but personally I can't wait for Chuck Norris' stint on next season's "Dancing With the Stars", with his partner, famed Egyptologist Dr. Zahi Hawass.

  • Goonemeritus

    Thank God Chuck Norris is here to protect us from the tyranny of the all powerful UN. After all once the UN proclaims something it becomes the law of the land and is backed up by a huge fleet of black helicopters.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Flown by Indians and Pakistanis.

    • Jukesgrrl

      And don't forget the phone tapping … oh, what? That was George Bush?

    • I remember, a few years back, visiting the UN building and seeing the statue he's talking about. Although it's true that it literally depicts a handgun, I took it as a metaphor for violence, and a statement about the UN's mission to develop and promote ways of resolving conflicts that don't involve violence. But then, I wear silk stockings.

      But what I really remember from my visit to the UN building was wandering away from the MUN group and doing a little personal exploring, and the things I saw before being brutally told to return to my group by UN security thugs. One of the things I saw was a whole floor with collapsible tables arranged end to end, with hundreds of manual typewriters on them. MANUAL TYPEWRITERS. As in, not electric. As in, not computers. As in, probably the largest collection of manual typewriters in the world. Apparently, this is how UN clerks composed documents and resolutions in the late 1990s. Maybe they still do today.

      Yeah, I lie awake in fear of the UN every night.

      • MichelesPantalones

        It's tough to afford fancy computer terminals when you subsist on dues paid by various "governments," some of which aren't in power very long, and most of which spend their time squabbling with each other and you about how much they should pay.

    • Nostrildamus

      After all once the UN proclaims something it becomes the law of the land and is backed up by a huge fleet of black helicopters.


  • SmutBoffin

    It's writing like this that will get him the UN Ambassadorship in the Perry White House.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Not an important enough job. Secretary of Defense.

    • occams8ball

      Perry White will probably pick Jimmy Olsen.

    • Indiepalin

      Don't call me Chief!

  • Radiotherapy®

    He's just jealous because he can't tie his .38 in a knot.

    • Jukesgrrl

      He can't tie his dick in a knot either. It's too short.

  • Crank_Tango

    hmm. then what does the "right to bear arms" mean, shithead?

    ETA–oh never mind, he contradicted himself in the next paragraph.

    • GhostBuggy

      You beat me to it. I've heard (many, many, many times from conservatives) that there can't be any restrictions, not no way, not no how, on what "arms" can be kept and bore. But to Chuck, it's just jets and tanks. Except when it's a .38. Or something.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Some eejit said:

    "U.N. diplomats believe that an arms trade treaty must reach into your gun safe and mine."

    Two words:

    Un. Possible.

    You clueless bastard.

    • mog253

      Two more: "silk stocking"

  • Politico has an op-ed space. So that is what is meant by as useful as tits on a boar hog.

    • Rotundo_

      At least a boar's tits are decorative elements. Publishing the wit and wisdom of Chuck Norris is substantially less worthwhile. I am still amazed at the raging case of paranoia there is about the UN and about gun ownership. The UN is good for occasional laughs and on rare occasion, they can actually do something positive, but mostly they sit around and lob spitballs back and forth like the house of representatives and the senate do in US government.

    • My Texan uncle used to say that!
      He also used to say: : "It's colder than a witch's tit in here!" and, (referring to my 13 yr. old self): "I've seen bigger tits on a boar hog!"
      Always with the tits.
      I guess it's a fun word to say.

  • LabRodent

    The USA had 9,369 firearms related deaths in 2010, Denmark had 14 and Chile had 9. USA! USA! USA!

    • Schmannnity


      • LabRodent

        We're number 4 in the world right now but South Africa and Columbia better watch out. We are gunning for them.

    • metamarcisf

      Yeah, but that's because the U.S. has 670 times as many people as Denmark. Look it up.

      • Tr0tt0

        Lets face it, the west is in decline – starting with gun death rates. If the European Union is ever going to reclaim its economic ascendance they're going to have to start clipping people ASAP.

      • caitifty

        Ok, I looked it up – the US had 15.22 firearm-related deaths per 100,000 population vs Denmark's 2.6 and Chile's 0.06. Only South Africa, Columbia, Thailand and Guatemala had higher rates than the US.

        • mumbly_joe

          And Columbia has FARC, FWIW.

          I guess the Teabaggers are America's FARC.

      • MichelesPantalones

        Um — 5.5 million/300 million != 670x

    • genxr

      And Norway– too soon?

    • About half of all murders in the U.S. are by handguns.

      • mumbly_joe

        That's just a correlation! Surely if guns were outlawed, the other half of all murders would be committed by handguns, too! Because there'd be no deterrent, and people wouldn't be able to fight off their gun-wielding attackers, like they do now, you see.

  • comrad_darkness

    The UN does not have freedom of speech stupid libtards, the UN isn't a corporation!!

  • DaRooster

    I ain't tradin' arms with nobody… I got friggin' guns! I've worked way too hard and done way too many curls and tricep extensions to be tradin'… whu? Oh… those kind of arms.
    Never mind.

  • SorosBot

    I liked how Jack used to abbreviate Politico as "Po'o", now that they've got Chuck Norris('s pastor) write for them it's even more appropriate.

  • Oh Chuck. Nobody wants to touch your gun except Larry Craig.

    • nounverb911

      Or Rick Perry.

      • genxr

        By now, he's been there done that.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Yo, Chuck, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea was just a TV show. The UN does not have any nuclear-powered submarines sailing around the world working towards subjugating you and seizing your gun collection, and Richard Basehart is still dead.

    • MonsterAGoGo

      Whatever you do Crow, don't tell Gypsy.

  • valgal2342

    "The silk-stocking set", hmmmmm, me thinks Chuck has more than guns in his closet.

    • Jukesgrrl

      That kind of talk will really get him some fans among the youngsters.

    • Yeah, I wondered about that phrase.
      Is it an obscure WW2 reference or something?

      • I dooooo believe he is calling the UN a bunch of fancy-men!

        Next thing you know, the UN will try to tell us our founding fathers we're a bunch of intellectual poofs in silk stockings and powdered wigs who were trying to bring together a bunch of small states under some sort of overarching government! NEVER!

        • valgal2342

          Oh that's gooooooood!

      • Jukesgrrl

        I think it's from the 1920s. Like "23-skidoo." It's just a reference to the rich wearing silk when the prols had to make do with cotton.

        • mog253

          The fabric of our lives. heh.

      • MichelesPantalones

        He might have been referring to the bluestocking set – you know, those edjumacated ELITISTS who have no money but OPPRESS the POORZ wif their knowledge and stuff.

    • henrypuppyhead

      Duh. A Total Gym, which he makes sweet love on with Andrew Breitbart. Can you imagine all the angry nut punching that must go on? I know Marcus Bachman can!

      • MichelesPantalones

        Is "angry nut punching" a new style of ghey lovemaking? I have not heard of this fetish.

        • valgal2342

          Oh," angry nut punching " it's the newest fad among the Tea Bagger crowd. They just can't get enough of it.

          • MichelesPantalones

            This is like hatefucking, isn't it?

          • mog253

            More like the youngz on AOTS, they can't enough of it, if it means they'll be on the Intertubes.

    • __kth__

      "Silk-stocking set", says the guy who almost certainly takes his Wranglers to the laundry to be starched and pressed.

  • If these idiots knew anything about how ineffectual the UN is when they get a few troops they wouldn't worry about it.

    But they don't know anything about anything.

  • hahaha, yes chuck norris that is correct, the UN is going to fondle your gun safe and tie all your pistols into knots, just like how bugs bunny does to elmer fudd. jesus h.

    • Rotundo_

      Those wascoes have tied my nine miwameetaw up wike a pwetzow! Dwat!

  • gullywompr

    "Silk stocking set?" What's THAT supposed to mean?

    Oh… we're gay… I get it.

  • Callyson

    look no further than the U.N. plaza to see what the silk-stocking set considers
    Um, UpChuck, the silk – stocking set is on Wall Street, not the U.N. plaza.

    • MichelesPantalones

      That's why I don't think he's referring to class. I think he's referring to a different *kind* of "elite" – the educated, not the wealthy.

  • Chuck just reeks of an actor who's made his fortune playing a celebrated version of "good guy," but deep down is eager to play someone bad. Not "naughty" bad but 'outlaw' bad — although both roles would do him a dose of good — yet instead of getting out there and taking on that role-switching challenge, he's caving in to play Victim. What a pussy.

  • SayItWithWookies

    What’s ironic is that the United States already has the world’s pre-eminent system for regulation of true military arms sales. If the rest of the world merely adopted the U.S. regulatory regime, there would be no need for an Arms Trade Treaty.

    …which is exactly the reason the rest of the world wants one, dumbass.

    • Crank_Tango

      they better adopt our regulatory regime before we deregulate it back to the stone age, or maybe just the jazz age.

  • metamarcisf

    Gun safe!? Is that a joke? Most of these teabuggers leave their weapons lying around anywhere so their tweaker nephews can take them and stick up convenience stores.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Come on, a .38? You can't stop a Muslim or Commie with that. The UN is just telling you not to use such a wimpy weapon. Mr. Norris, you should be celebrating this monument!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Really, the author attribution says it all:

    Chuck Norris, a has-been actor, washed-up martial artist and self-aggrandizing author best known as a serial plagiarist, is the honorary chairman of the National Rifle Association’s voter registration program, Trigger the Vote and Don't Forget to Catch the Nigger-in-Chief in your Surveyor's Marks.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Well-done, but you forgot "spokesman for the Jesus-approved Total Gym®."

  • (i.e. before Obama)

    So we're talking Bill Clinton, then.

    /creating reality

  • arihaya

    i thought he doesn't need any gun,, he can just round kick 'em all can't he?

  • NewYorkJew

    Plagiarism alert:

    From Rang de India's facebook page: "No other country in the world enjoys the freedoms that the people in India enjoy."

    "Chuck Norris": "no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms."


    • I thought Somalia was the libertarian paradise.

    • Barrelhse

      Rang de India better be careful who he's plagiarizing.

  • Redhead

    Why isn't he in a retirement home somewhere, like all the football players who get hit in the head till they become senile and are sent off to a "home" where they can babble on without hurting anyone?

    • LabRodent

      Old senile white guys are IN right now at least after Obama became president.

  • You'll have to peel my dead tonsils back to get take away my punz!

  • Wanker, Texas Ranger.

  • genxr

    Imagine how smart and insightful he thinks he sounds. It's really funny.

  • prommie

    Well of course the black President is going to unleash the socialist Black Helicopters.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Some guns are more equal than others.


    Today is conspiration day!
    Fresh air had a great program today, about Perry and the Evangelics.

  • fartknocker

    Chuck Norris will endorse Rick Perry because Gubnor Douchebag made him an honorary Texas Ranger (the law enforcement type, not the baseball type). I think that say's everything I need to know.

    • Whenever the Texas Rangers lose, I get a kick out of imagining Dubya's sad face.
      When the Giants won the World Series, I REALLY enjoyed the hell out of it!

  • owhatever

    Break into you gun safe? Why don't you just keep your loaded assault weapons leaning in the corner of the kitchen like an ordinary person? How else is junior going to borrow it to take to school?

    I guess Norris' real message is that karate doesn't work so well, so it's better just to shoot people.

    • BornInATrailer

      You're both right and wrong. Chuck shoots people by roundhouse kicking the bullets at them.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Great. Cue the fever dreams of "blue-helmeted shock troops" in my shooting club in 3… 2…

  • Fare la Volpe


    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      But their mind-control rays have shriveled up his real one!

      • MichelesPantalones

        Well, that and the steroids that kept screaming "Eat Me!" whenever Chuckie walked by.

    • caitifty

      I think you mean "YOU STUPID FUCK"

  • hollywooddood

    Chuck, you ignorant slut.

  • OneYieldRegular

    No other country in the world enjoys America's constitutional right to have 3,000 or so children killed by guns each year.

    • genxr

      Do we really want to save those children's lives at the expense of personal responsibility?

  • lochnessmonster

    We know he doesn't like Michelle Obama's bare arms but does he like Michele Bachmann's?

  • arihaya

    so is it the Muslins or the Jews that will take our weapons?

  • Pragmatist2

    What Chuck should understand is that, as anyone who has worked with the UN knows, those guys couldn't budge from their self-admiration long enough to start a conspiracy and they would screw it up royallz if they did.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Not to mention that they're all too busy illegally parking in Manhattan.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I care as much about what this shitbag thinks as I do what Pat Sajack thinks. Which is to say, I care more about that which comes out of my ass every day. Or that which used to come out of my ass every day. Now, maybe not every day. But, that's a comment for another post at another time.

  • Nostrildamus

    Texas Happy Hour: Bud-lite, jalapeno poppers, corn nuts, executing a Mexican.

  • El Pinche

    Chuck Norris needs guns now? When did his dick fall off and sprout a clitoris?

    I guess thats what happens when you hang out with Christie Brinkley or whatever.

    • Hey!
      Watch what you say about us vagina-havers!
      He's one of yours!
      (Even if his dick falls off.)

      • El Pinche

        I like your Vaginas, I do not like your Vagina-havers…

  • Radiotherapy®

    Hey, cut him a little break, it's not easy playing a hero on teevee.

    • MichelesPantalones

      I'd love to! Bring his "little break" right over.

  • Nostrildamus

    Two disturbing images of Chuckles:

    1. thinking arms, as in right to bear arms, meaning "tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing".
    2. his "gun safe".

  • bflrtsplk

    You would think that with all those guns around, one would have accidentally gone off on the Chucker by now. Just sayin'.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Chuck Norris, Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, Jon Voight, Adam Baldwin should pool their respective pennies and move to Wasilla to form a community theater. There. No one can say I've never offered a constructive suggestion.

    • Rotundo_

      Meth head acting. Perfect for the Wasilla Go-rilla and all the Wasilla-oids. Imagine their adaptation of Death of a Salesman: "Git offen my porch or eat hawt lead slick."

      • Jukesgrrl

        Victoria Jackson in Streetcar: I have always deepinded on the kindness of conservatives — because libruls are just doody-heads. Harhar."

    • genxr

      I think we should stick with that original idea of an oil platform in international waters with no building codes.

      Come on, UpChuck, when was the last time you used a gun for something other than jerking off?

    • MonsterAGoGo

      As long as they don't take Mike Nelson of MST3K fame. He may be a blog-reading righty, but he doesn't force his views on others. And apparently he is a nice enough guy that his liberal probably-pothead hippie coworkers don't hate him. I was heartbroken when I read he was a righty, but he is welcome to his views as long as he doesn't force em on me. And keeps making funny jokes.

  • Is there a UN subcommittee investigating trucknutz?

  • Mahousu

    Chuck Norris looks forward to the day we shall bend our plowshares into swords.and our pruning hooks into spears.

  • Sue4466

    "Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms." Which in his definition means "tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing." But not .38s.

    Okay, so you have a right to a fighter jet but not a .38. Let's go with that.

  • owhatever

    Pry his gun from his cold, dead fingers? Works for me.

    • Barrelhse

      Depending on the meaning of "gun", of course.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Since he's still alive, you'll have to kill him first. Bet you hadn't thought of that, had you?

      Oh, wait …

  • smitallica

    Know what's the coolest thing about guns, Chuck?
    They make your lifetime spent perfecting martial arts and honing your body to perfection fucking meaningless.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Reminds me of that Indiana Jones line, "Why don't I just shoot the fucker?"

  • widget2011

    Hey, slow down people. Chuck Norris won the Vietnam War for us. He also defeated those pesky Japaneese, after they bombed Pearl Harbor. I even remember when he kicked the Kieser's ass back in 1918, and before that he pistol whipped Poncho Villa. Then there was the time he dealt the Union Army that thrashing back in 1864 and re-instituted slavery. In addition, he kicked the British'es asses not once, but TWICE! All of this SINGLE-HANDEDLY, Now what you got to say smarty-pants.

    • Jukesgrrl

      He's in better shape than Jack LaLanne? (Too soon?)

  • It's gotten to the point we can't even get through a fucking CHUCK NORRIS post without g-d somehow working into it. G-FUCKING-D.



    Grow up please!

  • HelmutNewton

    If you think Chuckie is mad now, just WAIT until the occupying U.N. troops try to take away his Total Gym®!!

  • mumbly_joe

    To you and me, the word means tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing.

    So, Chuck is pretty sure "arms" is just supposed to mean things like missiles and aircraft, not little stuff like handguns (because the term "small arms" has never been used in human history for personal firearms oops there I go again).

    So… the right to keep and bear arms doesn't apply to personal weapons, which the "silk stocking set" should feel free to take, is what he's saying? Kinda a shitty spokesperson for the NRA to turn to, don't ya think?

  • Warpde

    Me's thinks Chuck's taken a few too many blows to the head.

  • Chuck has been a joke ever since Bruce Lee kicked his ass in that movie with the title I can't remember.

  • ttommyunger

    Why is this person so interested in guns? The Ted Nugent Disease, perhaps? Weiness Tineosis? Gooberitis migitosis? Penisitis Microscopus? Dwarfus Dickiosis?

Previous articleNational Cathedral Zapped By Quake Because of Koran Snuck Inside
Next articleSecret Radical Group On Internet Plans To Occupy & Destroy Wall Street