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Crusty paranoid sad sack Chuck Norris has uncovered evidence that the United Nations is actively plotting to break into his anger cave and boost his vast library of murder weapons (haha, get it?) in the form of Swedish artist Carl Fredrick Reutersward’s anti-violence sculpture of a .38 pistol tied in a knot, which is located at the UN headquarters. What kind of hot washed up action star voodoo did Chuck Norris have to visit on this statue to find this scandalous information? Did he roundhouse kick its sorry nuts off? Did he sodomize it with the Constitution? No! He just “looked at it.” BOO! Probably this is not even Chuck Norris, and just his pastor writing his rants again. Regardless, POLITICO for some unimaginably asinine reason decided to air his fever dreams in their op-ed space. Are they starting a comedy section?

God we hope so. Chuck Norris or whoever is convinced the Obama administration is trying to enact stealth gun control via some UN Arms Trade Treaty that has been in development since 2006 (i.e. before Obama).

Here is some person who may or may not be Chuck Norris, writing in Politico:

An Arms Trade Treaty doesn’t sound bad in concept — isn’t that what the U.N. is for? The problem, however, is what U.N. diplomats consider to be “arms.” To you and me, the word means tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing. But look no further than the U.N. plaza to see what the silk-stocking set considers “arms.” There you will find a bronze statue of a simple .38 revolver — with its barrel tied into a knot.

Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms. This is why the vast majority of U.N. diplomats believe that an arms trade treaty must reach into your gun safe and mine. There is little question that this treaty would require additional restrictions on our Second Amendment rights.

This dingbat hollering is pointless of course, since UN treaties have zero binding effect on U.S. laws. Whoever is in charge just makes a half-assed promise to “try” to follow whatever endless string of words are written on the paper. Here, for example, is the UN whining about Rick Perry violating every international human rights law/treaty/accord on Earth when he executed a Mexican who was denied consular consultation, about which no one, including Obama, could do anything.

Plus, has anyone ever seen how the UN works? The UN first proposed that some people should “like, maybe, somehow? think about” an arms treaty back in 2006. It is now 2011 and they are just kind of “still thinking” about drafting something, also maybe, probably?, which means that there will be a treaty by 2041, when Chuck Norris will already be dead from some idiot gun accident. Cool it, Walker.

FOR EXTRA CREDIT: our 30-second Google search can’t find any evidence that Chuck Norris plagiarized this column just like he normally plagiarizes everything, but eh, probably he did. CAN ANYONE ELSE FIND THE GOLDEN TICKET of proof? [POLITICO YOU SUCK]

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