Coming soon.Just weeks after the American government made its surprise announcement that the Statue of Liberty would be closing for many years, yesterday’s earthquake in Washington D.C. has led to the “indefinite closure” of the iconic Washington Monument. The marble phallus would have to topple over in an aftershock to provide a more fitting visual narrative for the nation’s collapse.

The Washington Informer reports:

Washington Monument Closes Indefinitely

The Washington Monument remained closed on Aug. 24 as engineers studied ways to repair cracks at the top of the capital’s iconic structure — one day after a rare 5.8-magnitude East Coast earthquake.

Reported sightings of “giant vultures” circling the Capitol this afternoon could not be confirmed as of press time. [Washington Informer]

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  • Barb

    I am sure the Tea Baggers ran to the internets to see if the new Martin Luther King Jr. memorial statue was hopefully, wiped out. Bah ha ha, idgits!

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    We're not taking very good care of our things. China is going to be PISSED.

    • MichelesPantalones

      THIS is why you can't have nice things, America!

  • LesPaultard

    Run some ExtenZe up the elevator.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    People on the west coast won't even turn the TV on for a 5.8. East coast pussies.

    • We do turn on the radio to check our location and intensity guesses, though.

    • MichelesPantalones

      'S OK, we had two already in the last 12 hours. I think we only count them when they register 5 on the Richter. Anything below that is just like, your partner farted, or something.

      • MissTaken

        So true! Woke up to the 3.6 last night and only checked to make sure I didn't develop a quickie case of restless leg syndrome

    • The last sub-5.8 I remember living through in So. Cal I thought was a case of the morning shakes. A half caff, double tall, non fat, foam, whole milk, double cup, no lid seemed to take care of it.

      • MichelesPantalones

        I remember one of the smaller ones we had, I was in a bus and came home to excited chattering neighbours. I hadn't even felt it. Come to think of it I was a poor schtoodent in them days, and most everyone of us had junky old cars or public transportation, and hadn't felt it because our shocks suck.

  • MARCdMan

    Unfortunately the teabag budget defunded the park service so it'll be a while before anything gets fixed.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Be sure to tell the little fuckrats that. Make them happy.

  • hagajim

    Can we just fucking close the country already! We've obviously suffered some sort of national brain damage (maybe brain eating amoeba) or how else would you explain the existence of the tea baggers, much less their outsized influence.

    • Ducksworthy

      The brain eating amoeba is very common in the South, evidently.

      • caitifty

        I saw a nice presentation at a sociology conference a couple of days ago looking at counties with teabagger organizations and what predicted it. Turns out current and past history of hate crimes is a poor predictor. The best predictor was a) the degree of economic inequality (ie even halfwits could see how bad things could get for them); b) the forclosure rate per capita; and c) the bankruptcy rate per capita (independent of (b)). So scared stupids, rather than just scared southern stupids.

        • Ducksworthy

          Oh OK You're right. People who have been traumatized no longer process information with the cerebral cortex. They are in fight of flight mode and thinking with their hindbrains. That and the President is a n…. Other.

    • GOPCrusher

      Pretty fucking sad when less than 1% of the population can dictate to the rest. But then we are the same country that has turned over our entire fiscal policy to Grover Norquist.

  • SorosBot

    Maybe it saw Sarah Palin naked? That would cause my Washington Monument to close, if you know what I mean.

    • Barb

      you'd "turtle up?"

      • MichelesPantalones

        That just makes me think of Mitch McConnell having sex with his beard.

        • Nothingisamiss

          OMG, I'm, like, eating right now. Disclaimer next time, plz.

          • MichelesPantalones

            Sorry! You should know better than to eat or drink while surfing teh wonketz, though.

    • It would shrink like Stonehenge in Spinal Tap.

      • DustBowlBlues

        The commentary track is especially funny.

    • karen

      "Shrivel up like a stack of dimes"

  • Ruhe

    Regimine Interuptus!

  • Now we learn that unlicensed and unregulated drilling ("fracking") for natural resources in central Virginia was responsible for this event. Solution: less government regulation.

    ps Hi Ken nice to see you

    • Crank_Tango

      really? shocker.

    • DaRooster

      Just like the dumping of tons and tons of waste in Colorado-
      “In 1961, a 12,000-foot well was drilled at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal, northeast of Denver, for disposing of waste fluids from Arsenal operations. Injection was commenced March 1962, and an unusual series of earthquakes erupted in the area shortly after.”
      Strangely, shortly after they stopped so did the quakes.
      Don't need no fuckin' EPAs

    • GOPCrusher

      Drill Baby, Drill

      -Sarah Palin

      Nevar forget!

    • LOL, the same Fracking that's going on in PA which involves neither Starbuck nor Apollo, nor an economic recovery in Pennsylvania with Jobs! Jobs!! JOBS!!!!, but apparently did involve moving a lot of money to Tom Corbett's election coffers, followed coincidentally by an amazing amount of Corbettian political will in absolutely 100% refusing to tax the extraction of natural gas in PA, unlike almost all other states (even Fat Boy allowed it in NJ), so that Pennsyltucky's public schools could get just a little teeny taste of ExxonMobil's proficts and be a little less Kentuckian… oh right, fuck 'em all. I prefer my water with a methane chaser, please.

    • If I can't see it, it ain't there!

  • MistaEko

    That's what happens when you play your rock type pokemon against ground type attacks.

    • Redhead

      Thanks for putting it in terms the teabaggers can understand!

    • mereoblivion

      MistaEko, I choose you!

  • Come here a minute

    You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!

    • Nothingisamiss

      If only the teabaggers were as smart as monkeys.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, y'all, if'n ya can't visit the Cock of America, you could go out to Seattle and visit the Cock of the Northwest, or come on down to San Antonio and visit the Cock of Texas, or go to St Louis and visit the Droopy Cock of Need-Some-Viagra. America is Full o'Phallus!!

    • Swampgas_Man

      Where do we go for pussy?

      • tejanojim

        I have to disagree with Baldar here. The one in St. Louis is totally, completely vaginal.

    • Jukesgrrl

      And full of ten-stories-high lighted crosses, too. Probably built by the same people.

  • I guess god hates symbolic penises too.

    • nounverb911

      John Boehner?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Countdown to the next Teabagger narrative, "Obama is cutting off access to symbols of our nation's FREEDUMZ" in 3…2…1…

    • GOPCrusher

      Has Michele issued a statement yet about how "President Bachmann wouldn't be on vacation while our national monuments are suffering from earthquake damage."?

  • nounverb911

    "Reported sightings of “giant vultures” circling the Capitol this afternoon could not be confirmed as of press time"
    Please, please let the dome collapse, (on Eric Cantor).

    • iburl

      He'll be there all alone at night, sitting in the speaker's chair, stroking the gavel and doodling pictures of John Bohner with knives stuck in his back, when he hears a rumble…

      • freakishlywrong

        That there image there is fucking creepy.

        • MichelesPantalones

          But it rings OH, SO TRUE!

        • Ducksworthy

          Not if you go a little further an imagine all that masonry falling on the douchenozzle.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Maybe it's not a good idea to spend decades trying to finish constructing a fairly simple building.

  • Buzz Feedback

    600 units a day of Vitamin E will fix it.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Will it fix me? I haven't been myself since Boehner became Speaker.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Do tell.

  • edgydrifter

    All we need are two giant inexplicable side-by-side outdoor bathtubs so the Washington Monument and the Statue of Liberty can watch the sunset together. That should fix everything.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Whose idea was it to let McCain touch the Earthquake Machine anyway?

  • baconzgood

    So an obelisk closes? You know for as many times I've been in DC (and I've been there enough times to say "Fuckin' tourists! get out of my way"), I honestly didn't know it "opened" or "closed". Is there like a rule that you can't look at…Or is there actually a floor on top with a restaurant on top like the Hancock Building?

    "Han' Cock"

    • prommie

      Hancock Building?

      • baconzgood

        The only architectural blight in an otherwise awsome city line. (Chicago blows NYC out of the water. I've lived in both)

        EDIT: Sorry about the missing words and misspelling (Misspelling is the norm for Baconz though) Wonkers. Since Ken's last post I had to drink…..Sad HUD give away.

        • SorosBot

          There's a really nice view from up there though; sadly the drinks are way overpriced.

          • baconzgood

            At Hancock? Actually it is pretty cheap the last time I went there. The best thing is when you're in the Hancock building you don't have to look at it.

          • SorosBot

            The last time I was there was over ten years ago, but yeah beer seemed a lot more expensive then I was used to. Now what I was used to were a couple dive bars for students in Hyde Park, so maybe they were just unusually cheep.

          • Yes, the drinks are expensive, but you're paying for the views.

    • finallyhappy

      The 500 foot level is for looking out, the 480 level used to have an info desk(not been in in a while). You get off the elevator at the 500 foot level(the monument is(was?) 555 ft 5 1/8 inches tall) and walk down to the 480 to get the elevator down. In order to get in, you must obtain a free timed ticket. But yes, you may look at it from the outside as I did today

      I am not allowed to say Fuckin Tourists get out of my way as I now work with them(although I frequently think it on the Metro)

    • Negropolis

      One thing everyone should know is to make sure you go during a slow day or a slow time of year, because the thing was sold out every day we went to the Mall.

      The Lincoln Memorial is better, anyway, as is Teddy Roosevelt Island.

  • America's penis has erectile dysfunction?

    Clearly we need more programs to funnel cash into our pharmaceutical industry.

    USA! USA! USA!

    • Swampgas_Man

      I thought America's droopy penis was Florida.

  • Serolf_Divad

    If it does fall to the ground in one giant rubble heap, I hope the Washington Monument is replaced by a gigantic marble phallus. Why? Because then all those tired jokes about how the Washington Monument looks like a giant penis will be about as insighful as someone joking that the Lincoln Memorial looks like a giant statue of Lincoln sitting on a chair.

    Uh… yeah…

  • Dammit! Where is Sophia?

    • TX_Bluebonnets

      Too soon, except for the hypergeeks among us.

    • AJWjr.

      Not even in re-runs, bummer.

  • MissusBarry

    It's because the monument looks like a dick, which obviously represents teh ghey buttsecks agenda and doG hates teh gheys and everybody who doesn't hate them and doesn't like having his founding father prophet memorialized this way.

  • Duly_Noted

    Canada's CN Tower is now in the ascendance!

  • Goonemeritus

    What did the Free Masons do to piss off the baby Jesus?

    • DustBowlBlues

      Someone else was listening to Fresh Air today.

  • Gurkman

    Why don't we just tear it down and put up a better one? Like we did with every other historical place on the East Coast.

    • Jukesgrrl

      China's cut our allowance.

  • Ducksworthy

    The symbol of our doom. Thanks Sarah Palin.

  • owhatever

    Shouldn't we be invading Paraguay or somewhere in retaliation?

  • x111e7thst

    Maybe the indefinite closure of the Washington Monument is a sign that Screeching Sarah should shut up indefinitely.

  • but if the washington monument falls down, what's going to channel the cosmic kundalini force? where will ra live? WHERE?!?

    • poncho_pilot

      we'll just have to hit it with an equal amount of Condaleeza force and achieve phase cancellation.

      • Jukesgrrl


    • MichelesPantalones

      Looks like Philadelphia or Chicago, right now.

      • I saw Sun Ra and his orchestra once in the late 80s. It was like being at the most bizarre lodge meeting ever.

        • MichelesPantalones

          He/they are very strange. But very, very talented.

    • TX_Bluebonnets

      My karma just ran over your dogma!

      Long Live Ganesh!!

  • prommie

    There is a chancre on the cock of Liberty! Only the penicillin of lower taxes and less regulation can save us from the syphillis of a socialist anti-colonial kenyan black president!

  • No place in the constitution does it say anything about these memorial boondoggles…… Knock em down crush them and sell them as recycled concrete aggregate.

    • poncho_pilot

      replace them all with Ten Commandment monuments. just like it says in the preamble.

  • poncho_pilot

    "Reported sightings of 'giant vultures' circling the Capitol this afternoon could not be confirmed as of press time."

    lobbyists, however, are only a little bigger than the largest vultures.

  • Isn't this one of the side effects of masturbation that we were warned about years ago?

    • poncho_pilot

      dunno…i heard five times a week is supposed to help prevent prostate cancer.

      • Ducksworthy

        That's been my policy for many years.

    • philpjfry

      God I hope not

  • bumfug

    A phallus is supposed to get in a crack, not the other way around.

  • Nostrildamus

    The Washington Penis Monument is now closed, but don't worry. The Washington Balls Monument can handle the extra tourist load.

    • prommie

      Hehe, you said "load."

  • LettucePrey

    This is all Obama's FAULT.

    (Get it?)

  • Ducksworthy

    Actually I would have been up for a nice Tsunami rushing up from the tidal basin, but the house in in recess.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Clearly, the people should decide what happens to the monument. Since corporations are people, we should auction off naming rights. I'm sure a giant screen would fit somewhere outside that long tip.

    Hmmm . . . Washington Post monument would work, but they don't have any money, do they? Viagra is too obvious. P&G (animal abusing bastards) might want it, to name it one of their Washing-tons of laundry soaps.


    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Stick a couple of bathtubs on the top and call it the Cialis Tower.

    • TX_Bluebonnets

      In honor of our nation, the First Amendment, and the late great David Foster Wallace, how about:

      "Monument of the Depends Adult Undergarment" or

      "Keeper of the Tucks Medicated Pad"

      They work on many levels, most of them below the belt.

      • Rotundo_

        "Keeper of the Tucks Medicated Pad" Long may its witchhazel soothe the nations inflamed assholes!

  • Slim_Pickins

    Just think if it had been an actual earthquake, the east coast would look pretty much like Haiti.

  • Washington is cracking up and losing its marble(s)? Is this the deregulation Bachmann 'n Boner were talking about?

    • Yep. This is what they want. Run it all into the ground and then turn it over to Xe/Halliburton/Omni Consumer Products/Bunch of Guys Doing Homoerotic Shit to Each Other In Iraq for PROFIT!!!1

  • DahBoner

    Herman Cain's first act as President will be to rename it The Leaning Tower of Pizza

  • Redhead

    Why does God hate freedumb?

    • Jukesgrrl

      She just hates what we've done to it.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Nothing white should be that large.

    • Rotundo_

      Something more like a well oiled mahogany, or walnut…

  • It's not nice to fool with Mother Nature!

  • philpjfry

    If I couldn't get away from all the batshit insanity in that town I would crack up too.

  • thefrontpage

    Psst! Don't tell anyone, but I'm still inside the Monument! I was inside when the quake struck, and those of us inside were supposed to be evacuated out of the main entrance, but somehow I got corralled with the other "special visitors" to the "Special Evacuation Room" 30 feet below the monument! There's computers, televisions, generators, and huge storerooms full of food, water, emergency supplies, and everything runs on generators. There's huge rooms with cots, blankets, pillows and books and everything down here! It holds about 100 people, and the Park Service officials who are looking after us said 100 people could stay down here for 10 years. We're supposed to leave today, Tuesday, once they determine that it's safe to leave. Meanwhile, the food and accomodations are pretty nice down here!

    • Did you take a crap in one of those old brown/black Civil Defense 55-gal water drums/latrines?

      • thefrontpage

        No, because they were all marked, "DO NOT OPEN—HAZARDOUS MATERIALS–AREA 51–1947."

        There are about 500 of these types of drums, all similarly marked, down here beneath the monument.

        There are also various types of "containment" suits that the Park Service guys said we could wear if "things got to def com level 10."

  • thefrontpage

    Who knew that this facility existed underneath the Washington Monument?! I'm not sure, though, if I'm supposed to be say———————————————————————————————————————————————-transmission interrupted———————————————————————————————————————————————–redacted———-federal government—classified——————————————–transmission interruprted———————————————————————————————–

  • Damnit, you know, we go out and buy & "encourage" states, Indian tribes, etc. to buy a blatlantly Masonic memorial for a blatantly Masonic President, when there's already another blatantly Masonic memorial to the same guy right across the Potomac – these things are gonna happen.

    And christ, that bitch up in New York Harbor – ya gotta buy tickets in advance to hump 'er and to get to that point ya gotta ckimb up like 10,000 stairs and try not to die of a heart attack before ya climax.

    I'm tellin ya, everyone forgot about the sunnier side of National Parks and historic sites – like the broad expanse of Dick Nixon's lawn/graveyard, Ron Reagan's Simi Valley overlook/sarcophagus, Grant's Tomb (where odds are always even you might score some weed or harder stuff before you actually get in to see the Gen'rul and Missus), Rand Paul's Mammoth Cave, KY – har har – and maybe even the Trinity site in New Mexico. Good clean summer fun!

  • voodooeconomics

    Obama must have turned that darned DARPA EARTHQUAKE button and destroyed the east coast… God dammed the monument is shit now.
    The Patriots warned us about this mooslim

    What they gonna do about them Vulturos Chinos overhead

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    This wouldn't have happened if it were made in China, like our other monuments.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    America: Shaken, but still erect!

  • ApplesauceRobot

    Duct tape.

  • iburl

    Given the fragile nature of our monuments, it's a good thing Chris Christie is both not running for president and not running, period.

  • mumbly_joe

    It's probably worth pointing out that the Washington Monument actually has a long and storied relationship to US America's national teatardation. For example, it started construction in 1848, and didn't open until 1888, 34 years after the architect behind the project died. Why, you might wonder. It looks like a pretty simple construction project, what the fuck's wrong with people that it took 40 years to do, you might even ask.

    WELL I'M GLAD YOU ASKED: It ends up, the proto-teabagger Know-Nothings held an illegal election to gain control of the Washington National Monument Society, because they were angry, because the Pope at the time had contributed a stone to it. They basically ensured that progress on the monument occurred so shittily, or not at all, to the point that zero progress was made on the monument between 1848 and the Civil War.

    If you look really closely, you can actually make out the discoloration on the Washington Monument from the 30-ish year hiatus on construction. The mid-19th-century incarnation of the Tea Party made their mark on Washington, in the form of a literal scar defacing the Washington Monument, for posterity.

  • OK, how did I miss this?

    It's not a real crack, they're just filming the next National Treasure movie.

    In a little noticed aftershock, the plumbing in all the Capitol Hill bathrooms will be shut off until further notice indefinitely upon thorough safety inspection.

    OK, who let Meghan McPalin in the elevator?

    That's all I got…

  • flamingpdog

    This wouldn't have happened if the Monument had practiced safe sex when the Earth moved.

  • It may cost more than an NFL game to take the family to the Gettysburg National Military Park visitor center, but at least the space program is kicking tail!

  • ttommyunger

    I'm filing this information under "Who gives a fuck?", aside from Pat Robberson, who sees it as retribution for all that engorgement and borderline ghey exhibitionism.

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