at least die laughing

Texas GOP Candidate Talks Sense to Actual Crowd of Donkeys (GET IT?)

If you can get past the fact that GOP Texas congressional candidate Roger Williams is trying to talk patriotism into a horde of dim, braying livestock animals as though they were godless socialist human welfare recipients, this campaign ad is rather fun. Who doesn’t love stupid donkey videos?? The staggering quantity of boring, hack political ads that envelope Earth during election season is an icy Europa subsurface ocean-sized brain freeze strong enough to put everyone into a thousand-year coma, is all we are saying. But where is this “United States of France” he is talking about located?

Haha, nowhere. But we have heard of “France,” some country with an “elitist social safety net” and fields of high-quality booze-growing plants that we will be visiting if Rick Perry wins the presidential election. Oh well, we appreciate absurdism as much as the next guy!

Seriously, just saying, this is at least humorous. Remember the time Mitt Romney made a video about driving around bombed-out Detroit to remind America that it is living through civilizational Apocalypse? Stupid donkeys or Apocalypse? YOU DECIDE THE WAY YOU ABORT YOUR BRAIN. That is Democracy, in 2011. [YouTube]

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    1. user-of-owls

      The do, actually! They give out plastic raincoats to everyone in the first three rows. Sorta like a Gallagher show. Actually, quite a bit like a Gallagher show now that I think about it.

  1. SmutBoffin

    Makes sense to me…does it to ewes?

    Sorry. And yes, I know ewes are sheep, but I did it anyway. Sorry.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Damn you, stealing my line a full 14 minutes before me. This is just like the time you killed my father. EXACTLY like that.

  2. Grief_Lessons

    This is not bad. I await the one where a pack of elephants stampedes over a phalanx of poor people and then use their surprisingly sensitive and agile trunks to suck off Rush Limbaugh.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I am snorting like a fucking pig, I have tears running down my face, you, sir or madam, have made my day.

    1. Buckminster

      Might not be the first Philistine to be slain by the jawbone of an ass.

      And yes, I'm referring to Roger Williams' jawbone.

    2. user-of-owls

      Hey, everybody has a bad day once in a while. Give him another chance and he'll use that donkey in a way that will reaffirm your faith in his (and his cohort's) venality.

  3. metamarcisf

    The video depicts legislative hopeful Roger Williams twisting the face of current Texas congressman Louie Gohmert. Where's the joke?

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    sotto voce
    Pssst. Mr. Williams. C'mere, I need to tell you something.
    You're a fucking idiot.

  5. Lascauxcaveman

    “France,” some country with an “elitist social safety net” and fields of high-quality booze-growing plants

    Lets all dance our way to France, where the booze grows on plants and the girls wear no pants.

    1. widestanceshakedown

      We bought a lovely home adjacent to the hole in the wall where the men can see it all.

  6. fartknocker

    Where in the hell do we find these people in my state? The last person I want to see on my electronic voting machine is some rancher from Weatherford, TX who is as stupid as Ted Poe and as useless as Kay Bailey Bellyflop Hutchinson.

    The sad thing is that he'll get elected and he won't do one fucking thing other than pet his donkeys.

  7. Crank_Tango

    I'm not watching unless someone can tell me at what exact point in the video he jerks off the donkey.

    1. user-of-owls

      Whoa, vegetable girl, stand back on the Rhodies. They'll cut you baby, cut you real bad. Meanest motherfuckers in the Republic. Ask around.

  8. freakishlywrong

    Dear tardin' wingnuts,

    If you hate me so much, please leave me alone and go and pursue another form of income.

    The Gubb'mint.

  9. Terry

    At least he's just chatting with the donkeys. He could have gone all Jackie Sherrell on the animals.

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    Trailor for sale or rent
    Need to get 'mo money from the gobbermint
    I'm a man of means by no means
    King of the Roids

  11. Mumbletypeg

    OT sorta but I was desperate for good news. Maybe I can get behind this gubernatorial candidate. Poised to make headway in Mississippi; all that's standing between him and victory is a contender currently holding office as well as a 3.1+ million dollar (so far) campaign purse.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      HELLZ YES. And I voted for him too (twice, actually; in the primary and in the runoff).

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Why do I keep thinking of Pinocchio and how all of the bad boys were turned into donkeys, given hoverounds, and joined the Tea Party?

  13. toomtabard

    Hey, donkey. What's goin' on? You're a donkey, I like that. You eat apples, right? I produce Entourage. Okay, talk to you later, donkey.

  14. Goonemeritus

    “It’s a lot easier to feed elephants than donkeys”

    If that were true than why was the vast majority of the debt incurred under Republican administrations?

    1. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

      Don't elephants also eat a considerable amount more than donkeys? One could rightly say they're a bottomless pit, consuming far more than nearly ALL of their animals cousins.

    2. Kakkeltje

      I found that rather confusing. Sane people would rather feed 50 donkeys than 50 elephants…

      With some thinking I realised he meant he would rather feed 1 elephant than 50 donkeys. He could then feed the elephant the hay of the 50 donkeys and tear down the 50 donkey stalls, to build one giant luxury housing for the elephant.

      The donkeys can be left in the small paddock where the elephant manure gets dumped. Now it is important to feed the elephant really well, because the donkeys have to get their nutrients from the elephant dung dumnped in their paddock. The more you feed the elephant, the more nutrients may or may not trickle down to the donkeys.

  15. owhatever

    His media handler gets points for originality. But there was one jackass too many in that commercial. And the way he was fondling the mules with tenderness, talking softly into the big ears, mooning into the big eyes, looked sort of a like a Saturday night date, Texas style. Marriage may follow.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      So, it turns out Santorum was right. Wrong animal, is all. He was talking about man-on-do(g)nkey sex.

  16. Ducksworthy

    But where's the consummation of this donkey porn? I hate it when the video ends before the money shot.

  17. smitallica

    "I try to talk sense to these guys but they just don't listen."

    Maybe it's your dumbfuck hick accent, asshole.

  18. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    This idea could really backfire if some Dem candidate with balls created a video where he tries to reason with an elephant who stupidly stares back, before stampeding into a crowd of people, causing blind destruction in its path, after which it has to be put out of its misery for the safety and health of the general populace.

    1. poncho_pilot

      i don't want to say anything mean about elephants. so i'll say this…much like real elephants, republicans are possibly as nearly intelligent as regular people.

      in nature however, real elephants have helped injured humans by taking them to safety and guarding them from predators till other humans showed up.

      1. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

        Yeah, elephants are pretty loyal too. I am really an ele-phan (geddit?!).

        But consider, this guy is disparaging a class of creature that helped build the country through hard work and shear force on our farms and factories. That's pretty representative of the pols turning their spineless backs on the working-class who helped make the US successful. Either way, the spot is a stupid metaphor that will resonate with ignorant illiterates.

        1. poncho_pilot

          agreed on all points.

          and now for another pun. i think it's unfair to elephants that the R's chose them. as for the D's choice?

          Donkey? Otay.

          although that may be a more appropriate mascot for those of us who consider ourselves liberals before (or regardless of voting) Democrat.

  19. Pat_Pending

    Needs a rooster and a hen, so he can say, 'can you hold my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass'

    Sorry. No, really. I'm sorry I remembered this stupid joke from my childhood. No one got it entirely.

  20. Tommmcatt

    If this guy were a real Republican this would be a porn clip with a wetsuit and a 14-year-old boy along with the Donkey.


  21. MichelesPantalones

    They can hear you just fine, you dumbass. They're just too smart to listen to another ass like themselves.

  22. Callyson

    "It's a lot easier to feed elephants than donkeys"
    Yeah–but it's a lot harder to clean up the mess they leave behind afterwards…

  23. Guppy06

    My takeaway is that he wants to sell everyone to the tanners for a nice mint without having to pay for any upkeep.

  24. Limeylizzie

    Oh I love donkeys, but this man seems like an idiot. What are the poor donkeys supposed to do? Build their own barn?

  25. ttommyunger

    Did not notice the Candidate, all looked like Jackasses to me. BTW, what is it with these Rightards and their animals?

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