future map courtesy of 2015.Our latest sources say terrible whiny loser Eric Cantor was apparently the actual target of the  5.9 5.8-magnitude earthquake the reptile gods of space launched at the East Coast today, because the epicenter of the quake was smack in the middle of Eric Cantor’s seventh congressional district in Virginia. Sorry, angry cosmic overlords, huge whiff: Eric Cantor is leading a wingnut field trip in Israel. TRY A GIANT COMET NEXT TIME. OR, just a slightly stronger earthquake: the North Anna nuclear power station in the middle of Cantor’s district is only built to withstand a 5.9-6.1 magnitude earthquake and has no seismographs, because they were all removed after budget cuts. And it’s built on a fault line! AAAAAAHHHH! It’s almost like we’re better at this than space lizards!

From RawStory:

U.S. nuclear officials said that the North Anna Power Station, which has two nuclear reactors, had lost offsite power and was using diesel generators to maintain cooling operations after an 5.9 earthquake hit the region.

The North Anna plant, which was near the epicenter of Tuesday’s quake, is reportedly located on a fault line.

The U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission rates the plant as the seventh most likely to receive core damage from a quake. But they say the chances of that are only 1 in 22,727.

According to the Virginia Department of Mines, Minerals and Energy (DMME), the Virginia Tech Seismological Observatory (VTSO) removed all seismographs from around the plant in the 1990s due to budget cuts.

In February, Dominion Virginia Power confirmed its commitment to add a third reactor to the plant.

All it’s missing is some Godzilla. John Boehner volunteers to play the part. [RawStory]

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  • Tundra Grifter

    I'd sure like to know how the Muslins started an earthquake!

    • genxr

      By building mosks, natch!

      • horsedreamer_1

        We kneel as one…

    • SorosBot

      Someone missed my compilation of the Breitbart comments! It wasn't the Muslims, but the Russians or Chinese, using the HAARP project to release frozen methane and create earthquakes. No, really:

      "Then there's the 'hardware'. Namely, HAARP. The High Altitude Auroral Research Project- we have a famous one in Alaska- has nefarious abilities as well. It can use microwave radiation to heat the atmosphere- and direct this energy towards the ground. There are frozen methane layers deep in the earth that react to this stimulation and energy is released. Supposedly China and Russia have these as well, and they have been blamed- by none other than Hugo Chavez- for creating the quakes in Haiti, and Hurricane Katrina. "

      • emmelemm

        Um, I think that was the the plot to, like, at least 3.5 Bond movies. Points off for unoriginality, guys!!

        • horsedreamer_1

          I figure Bond, as one of the remaining relics of the clash of Capitalism & Communism, could very well perpetuate himself with at least two movies with East Asian villains. China & North Korea offer prime opportunity… Though, I think Brosnan-era Bond beat the eminently man-crushable Daniel Craig-era to the latter, DPRK villainy.

          Still, China. Plus, there has still to be some butt-hurt in UK over the loss of Hong Kong. So, show those Chinamen who's boss.

          (& given what we know of the Craig-era, so far — namely, Quantum of Solace — human rights violations, apart the Red Menace, are fertile ground for screenplay. So, maybe a Myanmar or Cambodia angle, too.)

    • Radiotherapy®


    • criminogenic



    • valgal2342

      Tea Bagger's all curb stomped at the exact same time!

    • flamingpdog

      They just made all Halal break loose.

  • PrimlyStable

    I thought it was caused by all the heroes buried at Arlington TURNING IN THEIR GRAVES at the thought of the Keynan Muslin Usurper's treacherous deeds.

    • DashboardBuddha

      I bet they all had bowel movements that rated higher on the Richter scale.

    • anonymousryan

      Shut the fuck up Aunt Gail– sorry, for a moment I thought I was on Facebook.

  • fuflans

    i fail to see how this lowers taxes or regulatory constraints on america's job creators.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    Hillary never would have allowed this to happen.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Ah hell..Hillary has had bowel movements that rated higher on the Richter scale.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Ah hell…I've had bowel movements that rated higher on the Richter scale.

    • Guppy06

      I'm sensing a pattern in your posts…

      • DashboardBuddha

        I'm regular that way.

    • Steverino247

      I saw what you did in your pants there.

      • DashboardBuddha

        There but for the grace of toilet training, go I.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Drew Magary, are you here?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Once again, the Jews all mysteriously evacuate before the tragedy occurs. Just wait another few hours, and the nuclear plant near by will be mysteriously imploded.

    • jaytingle

      Eric Cantor is jewish?

    • mog253

      Jewish people in Henrico/Mineral/EBF??? heh. It was a really small evacuation.

  • Come here a minute

    In other words, the chances of damage to the reactor are one in a million (Republican math).

    • Rotundo_

      Didn't they have a joke similar to that on Seinfeld, only about foreign objects removed by proctologists?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Stop being fusilli.

      • Come here a minute

        It was a million to one shot!

  • Rotundo_

    First there was the bullet they found near his office, now this, I'll bet he has guards placed to make sure that none of the pictures of Ronaldus Maximus and Erics owners (oops, donors) ever become ajar again.

    • glamourdammerung

      The bullet was actually found near a building that contained the office of a mailing firm that sometimes did business with Cantor's campaign.

      • horsedreamer_1

        That means it's just like the St. Valentine's Day Massacre!

    • Sparky_McGruff

      Like there's any place in Cantor's district that doesn't have spent bullets laying around. There's not a stop sign within 50 miles of his office that doesn't have bullet holes in it.

  • SorosBot

    Come on, what could go wrong with a nuclear power plant along a fault line, it's not like an earthquake triggered a major meltdown and secondary disaster that we still don't know the full effects of just six months ago or anything.

    • iburl

      Don't worry scientists say the odds of that happening are 1 in 22,727. Of course the GOP is against science. Their faith-based estimation of the odds of such a potential disaster is 1 in "Please, God, Let this Happen While the Black Guy is President!"

    • BlueStateLibel

      But this is different. There's lots and lots of water nearby to put out any fires that might happen.

      • Yeah, this isn't like Fukushima Daiichi after the big earthquake and tsunami. They didn't have enough water…all they had was the entire Pacific Ocean.

        • kissawookiee

          Which is salt water that was already irradiated by Gamera, so it wasn't much better for fire suppression than kerosene.

      • mog253

        Used to swim in that lake, lots of three-eyed fish.

  • nounverb911

    Wasn't Fukushima supposed to be earthquake proof too?

    • Come here a minute

      Well, at least 1 in 20,000!

  • north_of_moscow

    Brace yourself for the aftershocks. And by aftershocks, I mean unwelcome emails and breathless facebook posts from creepy relatives about how this fulfills some prophecy or another. Get right with the Lord! And by that, I mean "Scotch, anyone?"

    • Angry_Marmot

      Don't mind if I do.

      • emmelemm

        Your angry marmot is looking particularly angry today. I approve.

        • flamingpdog

          I never noticed this before *embarrassed* but your angry marmot looks an awful lot like my next hole neighbor.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Dominion Virginia Power"

      'nuff said?

  • nounverb911

    "All it’s missing is some Godzilla. "
    He's in The Bronx, the A's are playing the Yankees.

  • SorosBot

    Radiation leaks could lead to wildlife and locals developing superpowers; in rural and suburban areas of the east coast the primary local wildlife are squirrels; and I think Marvel has never given the origin story of Squirrel Girl.

    • Angry_Marmot

      I always assumed she was a mutant, hence origin="comic book science". You may be thinking of the radioactive giant squirrel from Class of Nuke 'Em High Part II: Subhumanoid Meltdown.

    • flamingpdog

      I will NEVER give in and move back into the trees!!!1!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hell, who needs seismographs anyway — they're just fancy elitist mechanisms for seismologists to use to get grant money. And maybe let the people at a nuclear plant decide how best to respond to the situation, thereby averting a catastrophe. But of course, our great commonwealth relies on prayer for that sort of thing. It's so effective as a form of birth control that you just know it helps against earthquakes too.

    • Crank_Tango

      plate tectonics is one theory…

      • SorosBot

        Remember the time Texas Rep. Joe Barton thought he stumped the Nobel Prize winning Secretary of Energy Steven Chu when Chu suggested that the continents moved?

        Damn, congress is full of idiots.

        • Crank_Tango

          hmmm for some reason my comment was deleted by the administrator??

      • flamingpdog

        But it's only a theory, buster.

    • mumbly_joe

      "Wasteful spending… [it includes] something called 'earthquake monitoring' "

      –Bobby Jindal

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Yeah, it's like Conservatives mock what they pray and fight financing for, Jindal on earthquakes and oil spill containment plans, Sarah Palin, as the iconic image of a mother's love for a DS child criticizing funding for fruit fly mating habits and John McCain for unleashing Mama Grizzly's to the American public:

        The majestic grizzly bear, once king of the Western wilderness but threatened with extinction for a third of a century, has roared back in Montana.

        The finding, from a $4.8 million, five-year study of grizzly bear DNA mocked by Republican presidential candidate John McCain as pork barrel spending, could help ease restrictions on oil and gas drilling, logging and other development.

        – Mother Nature sure smack's down these assholes, and we have the Google to thank for allowing us to never forget. . .

  • fuflans

    and yet, somehow republicans are winning the message war on regulation. the last decade has shown in EXCRUCIATING detail what happens when we don't have oversite of mines, natural disastors, wall street, nuclear power plants, egg farms, volcanoes, building codes, the bush administration, etc.

    how fucking stupid are we?

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      that is a rhetorical question, no?

      • fuflans


        well kinda.

    • Crank_Tango

      all of it, katie?

    • emmelemm

      Yeah, I was just about to say "You don't really want to know the answer to that, right?"

      Because we are that stupid. Actually, it's not stupidity, it's far more insidious: the whole Dominionist thing and the reality that these people DO NOT CARE how awful it gets on Earth, because that just means it's closer to the "end time".

      • flamingpdog

        I dunno, but seems like these days these folks are less interested in the "end time" and more interested in the "rear end time".

        • Steverino247

          Only when they need to pull their heads out to see where they're going.

        • emmelemm

          Aaaaaand… it all comes back to buttsechs. Viva Wonkette!

          • e_z

            "how fucking stupid are we?"

            Real Fucking Stupid is the generally accepted answer.

      • mog253

        Not to worry, God made the world so it can "fix itself", however, no such correction exists for mankind.

    • Radiotherapy®

      Huntsman, seems like a sensible guy (maybe), and again last night i heard him talk about the "terror of regulation."
      By this, does he mean:
      the FDA, anti-Trust laws, building codes, child labor laws, Glass-Stiegel (whoops), the Interstate System, the EPA, seat-belt laws — a very short list.

      • emmelemm

        And yet he's the only one of them who'll actually admit to believing in "sci-ence".

        We are well and truly doomed.

        • NorthStarSpanx

          Regulations are a liberal tool of terrorism?

          Fuck, this campaign year is going to be a bitch.

  • jakegittes

    Doesn't this American Tragedy give us the right to invade somebody? How about Venezuela? That Chavez guy is getting a little uppity by asking that the country's gold be delivered back to them from the Bank of England and JP Morgan.

  • Flat_Earther

    California liberals are causing earthquakes to spread…

    • Steverino247

      Shhhh! Don't tell anybody!

  • hollywooddood

    Don't you think it was maybe God telling Tammy Faye Boehner to shut the fuck up?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Ha ha…how's that cutting spending for the United States Geological Survey going for ya, Eric? First volcanoes and now earthquakes. Mother Nature sure hates Republicans.

  • This whole terra shaking isn't what it's quacked-up to be.

    • SayItWithWookies

      That's fissure the cutest thing I've seen all day.

  • zhubajie

    Boehner isn't nearly talented enough to play Godzilla!

  • Of course we're all led to believe it was an earthquake and not part of an ALIEN INVASION!

    • flamingpdog

      Blood libel!

  • lefty74

    I blame that damn Obama!
    If he was not on vacation this…….

  • SorosBot

    That's great, it starts with an earthquake,
    birds and snakes, an aeroplane;
    Lenny Bruce is not afraid…

    • DashboardBuddha


    • Advn2rgirl

      Apparently, we get the eye of the hurricane this weekend.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks would annihilate today's politicians.

      • Moonbat


        • Advn2rgirl

          *I* feel fine.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I hear that the Muslims are planning on building a victory mosque just 50 miles from the epicenter.

    Why won't the government do something about this!!!

  • chascates

    Intelligent Design refers to these as 'Satan's Farts', which usually only trouble the leftwing west coast.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Actually, I use them to whip up haboobs in Arizona.

  • FUCKIN' A, GOD?!!?

    How am I supposed to worship your behind when you fuck shit up like missin' Cantor???


  • WVUer21

    "Tonight on Hannity: Is President Barack Hussein Obama responsible for today's earthquake? Michelle Malkin joins me to explain why he is."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They report, you decide.

  • KathrynSane

    Goddamn, Virginians' DNA is fucked up enough with all the inbreeding. Can you imagine the horrors that would come into being if they were exposed to high levels of radiation too?

    • Radiotherapy®

      Or the swirling flood waters of a major hurricane.

  • mourningnmerica

    I know it's OT, but I just saw this. With the quake and all, it might not get noticed:

    Reuters: Tragedy On Campaign Trail

    Iowa authorities are reporting that the body of Newt Gingrich was found this morning at an Iowa hotel where Gingrich was staying while campaigning for the Republican nomination for president. Gingrich was found in his room on the 2nd floor of the Motel 6 in Waterloo. Efforts to revive him at the scene were unsuccessful.Waterloo police are saying that Gingrich's campaign manager, who asked not to be named, became alarmed when the candidate did not answer his phone or hotel room door this morning. Reports that he was found hanging in the bathroom from what appeared to be a baguette encrusted necklace have not been substantiated.

    It is not known whether Gingrich would have been able to capture the nomination, but he was facing a uphill struggle, with Gingrich polling only 1% of likely Republican voters. Experts suggested that more Republican voters believe that aliens built the pyramids than currently supported Gingrich.

    Reporters tracked down the attendees to his final campaign rally for possible clues, but both of them said he seemed upbeat. Aides agreed that he was in good spirits when they left him, at dinner at The Old Country Buffet in Waterloo. "He was just the same old Newt", a bewildered staffer recounted. "He enjoyed dinner, and he was really pounding the cherry cobbler when I left."

    There had been an incident earlier in the day, where Gingrich had been harassed by some angry primary voters, at the Corn Country Discount Mall. Apparently, a dozen or so seniors, who were walking at the mall, surrounded the Speaker, and began chanting "…Layaway…Layaway…" "They were quite cruel" an aide said. "Some of it just wasn't funny".

    Gingrich is survived by his current wife Calista, and her yellow teeth, as well as two previously abandoned families.

    When asked for comment, Iowa front runner Michele Bachmann said "our hearts go out to his Florida constituents", and thanked Gingrich for his courageous work with Strom Thurmond to free the slaves.

    In related news, Tiffany & Co, closed down 1.5% on anticipated same store sales declines.

    • ttommyunger

      If only.

    • jaytingle

      He's "campaigning" in Hawaii right now.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        GOP = Grifting Opportunists' Party
        Remind me to run for office and collect contributions, before my next vacation.

  • arihaya

    if North Anna went Fukushima, can we send Cantor as "volunteer" there? can we?

  • arihaya

    in before Bobby Jindal slams the unnecessary, wasteful, big government spending for the so-called "fault line monitoring"

  • Tommmcatt

    If an earthquake does hit Cantor's plant there is only one real solution: let the invisible hand of the market fix it, with super-cooler-paint invented by none other than John Galt.

    Fair is fair.

  • mourningnmerica

    Too bad Cantor wasn't At Fault.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I'm hoping Hurricane Irene eradicates Sir Armpit Razorstubble of Cantor, and the entire Shire of Henrico.

  • mourningnmerica

    This proves that Cantor's district is the episphincter of evil. God does not bullshit around when dropping heavy handed hints to us. It also proves Judyism is a bogus religion. You go, God. U-S-A. U-S-A…

  • horsedreamer_1

    Virginia is for lovers mutants.

  • Callyson

    TRY A GIANT COMET NEXT TIME. OR, just a slightly stronger earthquake
    According to Raw Story, God is on it…
    In February, Dominion Virginia Power confirmed its commitment to add a third reactor to the plant.
    "While Dominion has not decided on the schedule to build the unit, the company will continue to move forward with the federal combined operating license process and preliminary site development work," Dominion CEO Thomas F. Farrell II said in a statement.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Now see..this is why I don't smoke weed anymore. It turns my normal day-to-day paranoia into EPIC PARANOIA.

      Hmmmm, DOMINION Virginia Power is building a third unit that, when it fails, will kill millions of people. Meanwhile, Rick Perry and One-L Bachman are DOMINIONISTS…who, by the way, believe in the coming of the apocalypse…

      Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

      So, that's why I don't smoke weed anymore.

      • emmelemm

        It's not paranoid if they really are conspiring to bring about the "end of days", you know…

    • flamingpdog

      Not intended to be a fractural statement.

  • What budgets are you willing to cut now, you greedy Congressional Republican bastard?!

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    seismology schmiesmology. It's obvious to Eddie Munster and Bobby (not gay) Jindal that earthquakes are just a theory.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Perhaps he short sold the nuke plant too, so Cantor makes money either way. This is why he thinks it is a fantastic idea to spend less on enviro-safety and more on force-feeding the Libyans American troops ON THE GROUND DAMMIT in order to hit the largest oil reserves in Africa quick and get 'em running under the right flag.

  • James Michael Curley

    This is the Big One. I'm commin to ya Lizbeth, I'm commin.

  • rocktonsam

    there are tornado watches in Paul Ryan's district as we speak

    so, chin up kids

    • horsedreamer_1

      First, Stevie Ray Vaughn's copter crashes there. Now, this…

  • JoshuaNorton

    Dominion Virginia Power confirmed its commitment to add a third reactor to the plant

    Sheeeyit. Put 'em ALL there. The entertainment value when they grow tails and glow in the dark supercedes any safety concerns.

  • But what does these aftershocks mean for the coming wintur weather I needz to know if we're getting teh blizzards so's I can be ready.. WHYARE YOU NEVER 100% RIGHT-ON WIT TEH FORECASTS, MR. WEATHERMAN?!!?

    • Radiotherapy®

      Blizzards??!? You better worry about a sump pump right about now. Jim Cantore CAN'T be wrong!

      • it wuz teh blizzard back in '96… they didn't find my meemaw til she thawed out wit her sack o birdseed still in her han'… all becuz them WEATHERMANS warn't DOIN THERE JOB!!1!

        • Radiotherapy®

          Must have been before they got that there The Weather Channel way back there in the hills. Petticoat Junction, indeed.

  • Crank_Tango

    Earthquakalypse libel!

  • mavenmaven

    Its Lord Whorfin going home. Laugh while you can, monkey boys!!!

  • Well think about it, geologists can only tell you the size of an earthquake after it happened. It's like the Weather Channel ONLY covering yesterday's weather.

    Wait a minute, that is most of what the Weather Channel covers.

    Just a bunch of dang scientist types wanna get their names in the National Geographic if you ask me.

  • 738838

    Anyway what the fuck good does a seismograph do if you have just had an earthquake,also.

    • Steverino247

      So you know how fast to get away from the reactor, of course.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        You get away slowly, if it was only a small quake.

  • flamingpdog

    I read somewhere else on the Internetz that the earthquake was centered on a fracture 3.7 miles below the Earth's surface. So lets see, 3.7 miles below the Earth's surface :

    (1) It's dark.
    (2) It's largely unknown and terrorfying.
    (3) It's almost like a foreign country down there.

    There's only one conclusion. The cause of the earthquake? It's OBAMA'S FAULT!

    • snoopyfan2010

      Here's the "Real" American version that was posted to Facebook.

      ‎"Geologists identified the exact location today where the tectonic plates shifted under the Washington Area and the Obama administration has decided to name it Bush's fault." – unknown.

    • (1) It's dark.
      (2) It's largely unknown and terrorfying.
      (3) It's almost like a foreign country down there.

      Could be a vagina.

  • ttommyunger

    So if there is a melt-down; I mean, it is Virginia, after all. I'd simply say NEXT, and hope for Arizona or Texas.

    • flamingpdog

      I hope the semi-independent State of Northern Virginia survives any disaster pretty much in its present state. On the other hand, if when we wake up tomorrow morning everyone living in and south of Richmond appears to be a crazed mutant, then we can safely assume that the nuclear power plant did not melt down overnight and it's business as usual.

      • ttommyunger


  • Doktor Zoom

    Almost too stupid to believe:

    "On June 26, 2011, the National Cathedral in Washington DC hosted a quran reading and prayer service by an Islamic cleric. Today, the National Cathedral was the only building that suffered significant structural damage as a result of the earthquake. The tip of the cathedral’s spire crashed onto the steps on Pilgrim Road. Three of the four pinnacles of the central tower are down, as well. Maybe God is trying to send a message?"

  • widget2011

    And just why, pray tell, do we regulate nuclear power plants? they seem pretty harmless to me. We could save a lot of money by getting rid of those stupid, "expensive" containment structures too. Nuclear reactors are no more dangerous than carnival clowns……..oh wait?

  • thefrontpage

    Rick Perry denies the existence of Tuesday’s earthquake.

    Meanwhile, Michelle Bachmann promised that she would reduce all future earthquakes to 2.9.

  • fuguewriter

    Did ANY of you actually read the link to the… site in the article? It disproves the article's contentions! "Some of these instruments were stationed around the North Anna Nuclear Power plant, but in the 1990’s, due to budget cuts, most of the North Anna sensors were taken off line." *Most* – not *all*. And those were Virginia Tech's general research instruments – an observatory's seismographs, not the nuke plant's safety seismic sensors. This is an irrational moral panic in action. Note that the article did not even actually state that there were any safety consequences to "all seismographs" being taken offline. The political/economic goal is obvious, and the venom all over the web at the need for budgetary sanity speaks for itself. Some crazies have even related this non-existent unstated danger to the Tea Party. Scary irrationality, disregard of fact, inability to think critical, and bitter clinging hate. :(

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