BREAKING: God Tries To Swallow Godless East Coast With Earthquake

  so close that time

Haha, Rick Perry’s prayers ALMOST WORKED THAT TIME. A magnitude 5.9 earthquake originating in Virginia tried to shake apart the East Coast, including godless gay liberal New York and just plain godless Washington. Your very own Wonkette felt this crazy-long quake but automatically assumed it was just the giant trucks passing by the ramshackle hovel called home yet again. We are still here, neener! You will have to try harder next time, God and Rick Perry.

From ABC News:

A 5.9 earthquake struck in Virginia Tuesday afternoon and was felt up and down the east coast.

The Pentagon and Capitol Building were evacuated as a precaution.

The quake struck 94 miles away from Mineral, Virginia, and was felt in New York City.

Government buildings in the city, including City Hall, were evacuated. The 26-story federal courthouse in lower Manhattan began swaying and hundreds of people were seen leaving the building. Court officers weren’t letting people back in.

Lord & Taylor on Fifth Avenue was also evacuated.

[ABC News]

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172 comments

  1. Barb

    It's just an appetizer for hurricane Irene that's heading for the east coast. Good luck, suckers!

    1. bumfug

      Loosen up the buildings so the category 4 storm can finish them off! I was just telling my sister in Williamsburg, VA how great the weather is here in L.A. and she came back at me with the old "at least we don't have earthquakes" line. Time for *sad trombone sound*!

      1. Barb

        I'm waiting for my sister to tell me that the hurricane is going to cause everyone in Mobile, AL to get a government check. She posted on Facebook that welfare recipients should be drug tested before they get their checks. I told her that people from Mobile, who collect the "oh shit, it's raining" checks should be DNA tested before FEMA gives them a second thought.

      2. imissopus

        My parents live in Norfolk, an hour south of Williamsburg, and my mom always give me the "Hurricanes are less scary because we can see them coming" line. It took me a good decade after moving to L.A. to convince her she didn't need to call me in a panic because CNN reported a 3.0 mildly shook a few buildings here. That just means CNN is having a slow news day.

  2. nounverb911

    Eric Cantor immediately demanded federal disaster aid from Obama, even though the people of Joplin, MO. are still on their own.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      The other window in not Cantor's office cracked.

      Now, he knows how Denise Mc Nair felt.

      1. MichelesPantalones

        Truly. It might have rained on Cantor's coif. Now he knows just how those flood victims in China feel!

  3. soojank

    haha, uh, ABC? it was a few miles from Mineral, VA. 80something miles from DC… so that's probably close…

    1. MichelesPantalones

      Are you soliciting feels? And why not the West coast, too? Or is that being felt up as we speak?

  4. prommie

    My building shook and swayed for about 2 years; I have never felt an earthquake, I thought it was wind, a tornado, but no, no noise. It went on and on, but I didn't realize what it was till it was over and 10 people said to me "earthquake."

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Yes, sometimes they present as sways; sometimes as jolts. The symptoms of earthquake are often confused for other, more common things such as morbidly obese governors moving about in the vicinity. They can therefore be tricky to diagnose.

    2. GuyClinch

      Here at work in Bethesda, about 10 seconds in, a bunch of birds finally flew away. Some early warning system! Still, made some ameros selling my xanax supply in the parking lot.

    3. tcaalaw

      I was expecting a punchline after you opened with "My building shook and swayed for about 2 years . . . ."

  5. Mumbletypeg

    BREAKING: God Tries To Swallow Godless East Coast With Earthquake

    ♪ I know an old deity who swallowed a spider/ That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside Her ♫

  6. prommie

    I am in Trenton, so of course the first thing I looked for was whether Chris Christie was going by.

  7. imissopus

    A 5.9 would grab even this jaded Californian's attention. That said, my FB feed filled up ridiculously fast with people who seem to think they just narrowly escaped the apocalypse. Chill out, East Coast. If you don't wake up buried under a pile of rubble, it's not a huge deal.

    1. Cicada

      I'm a native Californian transplanted to DC, and this quake got my attention. But yeah, after the Northridge earthquake in the 90s, my threshold for panic is a lot higher.

      1. imissopus

        Northridge was about three years before I moved out here and seems to be the reference point for most people. No one in Cali would get the rest of the day off after a 5.9.

        1. HistoriCat

          Oh sure but closing a freeway leads to "Carmageddon" … every location has their local boogeymen.

        2. Cicada

          The '89 earthquake that caused the Bay Bridge collapse is another big reference point, but I was just young enough to miss a lot of the impact. Northridge was a big deal for me because I was visiting friends near Santa Clarita, and I woke up to a bookcase falling onto the couch I was sleeping on. The stove also ripped out of the wall and fell over, and people were screaming. Everyone in the apartment was okay, but it definitely made an impression.

          1. DaRooster

            My Ex was at College in Scott's Valley… the epicenter of that one… her shelved collection of dolphins crashed into a thousand pieces… so did their gymnasium, it collapsed. Loma Prieta was only 6.9… the top of Cypress crushed the few cars on the lower level… thank goodness it was just before the SF/Oakland World Series… woulda been a lot more deaths and injuries if people didn't go home early to watch it.

        3. MichelesPantalones

          I was in the middle of a job interview when a 6.x earthquake hit. We looked at each other, said "Earthquake?" and waited for about 3 minutes. When it didn't repeat, we just carried on talking.

          1. SorosBot

            I remember seeing that game; I guess god doesn't like two teams from the same metropolitan area playing against each other for a championship.

      2. trhindman

        I was in 3rd grade, in Reseda (where the epicenter was) during Northridge. As a result my heart stops anytime a big truck shakes my office building in LA. Basically, 5.9 would get my attention. Although I work with an office with transplants and they looked at me like I was insane when we had a 5.3 quake and I went under my desk. They headed for the door. <shakes head>

    2. MichelesPantalones

      You'd think they'd know that by now, having seen multiple movies, pix, videos, etc., of earthquakes around the world. Most people here seem to survive 5.0 and lower level earthquakes just fine.

  8. elviouslyqueer

    Lord & Taylor on Fifth Avenue was also evacuated.

    Oh please, how could they tell, since nobody's shopped at L&T since about 1992?

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Don't get me wrong. I used to love "Lord Have Mercy," until they turned into a lowbrow version of Macy's.

        1. MichelesPantalones

          That's pretty damn low. I got involved with the labour strike there decades ago. Macy's has turned into a real shitpile since they got rid of their unions.

  9. SheriffRoscoe

    Rick Perry says that plate tectonics are just a theory, one of many. Let's call this quake what it actually is, a sign from Gawd that millions of teabaggers are about to be swooped up off their scooters, to be raptured away to that great McDonalds in the sky, where Jesus himself brings them their deep fried apple pies. Hallelujah Jesus!

  10. MLHencken

    The Mrs. just reported feeling the quake down at her office in New Haven. Nothing here (about 40 miles northeast) but I was probably too busy yelling at one of my employees at the time to notice.

    My abusive personality when dealing with subordinates wins again!

    1. spinozasgod

      my mom always told me….if I didn't have an abusive personality I would have none at all…

  11. Allmighty_Manos

    You know you live in DC when you assume the reason your building is shaking is because a bomb went off.

    1. Cicada

      Yes! I had exactly that thought. I wondered "earthquake, bomb, or the Red Line finally self-destructing?"

    2. MichelesPantalones

      But isn't that the case for most urban areas, these days? Remember what that idiot British historian said, what is his name?

  12. chascates

    Fox News will run a photo of Obama cycling in Martha's Vineyard as the beltway reels: 'DOESN'T HE EVEN CARE?'

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Alright everyone calm down. We have to be blasé about this, otherwise the Californians are gonna laugh at us.

        1. MichelesPantalones

          Hey, it's not all sunshine and roses out here, buddy. I'm predicting early rains starting in September and ensuing mudslides for winter. Also fog, mildew, moss, fug, damp, chill, wind, and stain. Oh, no, wait, we've already *had* that this summer.

          1. MichelesPantalones

            Oh, yes. I survived the last one yaknow. Looked out the upstairs window and watched it jump the freeway right before hightailing it out of the neighbourhood.

          2. MichelesPantalones

            I've been to Seattle. That's a bit too mingy and damp for me. But we get plenty of minge and damp in my little neck of the (very damp) woods.

            This year the rains didn't stop till late June or July (they're normally over by late March/April, and then there's no rain at all till around September/October. We had a rather mature oak lob a branch at our roof, and spent the night listening to it creaking in the high winds and heavy rain. Never a dull moment at La Casa de Los Gatos, baby.

      1. DaRooster

        I only dive under my desk for Nuclear attacks from the USSR anymore…
        Remember… that was supposed to protect you from a bombing.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Not real laughter, though. A 5.9 is noticeable, particularly a couple stories up. And it lasts just long enough for your hindbrain to start asking "Is this just a little shaker, or the front end of a real one?" Cue adrenal glands.

  14. FNMA

    In other news, Christ Christie has jumped into the GOP presidential race.
    On a serious note, I was wondering what Woody Harrelson was doing on the roof of our building.

  15. KeepFnThatChicken

    Time for KFTC's Cognitive Dissonance Story Moment: What two fundamentalist, right-wing universities sit within 150 miles of the epicenter of this quake? It is because of their insolence toward humanity, intellect and charity that they will be punished by The Great I Am.

    John Hagee? I fucked him!

  16. SorosBot

    Well, I'm home now after an unexpected half-day of work. I was coming back from lunch when it happened, so I didn't get the full blast that people in the buildings got and I heard about from my co-workers, but it was still fucking scary; in Virginia it must have been really bad. Still can't use my cell phone – and people thought I was silly to get a regular phone at home.

    1. Barb

      Just talked to my daughter in Wilmington. She felt it strongly and they sent everyone home for the rest of the day.

      1. SorosBot

        It was weird walking back and seeing all the buildings start evacuating. Center City is closed, but everyone's fine; the same should be the case in Wilmington.

        I really feel bad for the workers at the daycare in my building; I saw them having to wrangle all the kids, many of whom were scared and crying. They had brought up some cradles to hold the littlest ones at least. Luckily the older ones looked good about staying in place.

      1. SorosBot

        Not let, made; they're not letting anyone back into the building until inspectors have finished going over it and made sure it's safe.

        1. not that Dewey

          Not to worry; President Perry and Vice President Palin will make sure that those pesky building inspectors will never interfere with your productivity again.

  17. NorthStarSpanx

    @SarahPalinUSA – Impotent NE, AK'n Heart cajones 2 slay govt waste:stand ^ 2 quakes. RLMericans joke like Shery Smith:??qualifications like Jen Delaney

  18. Beowoof

    Hurricanes, earthquakes, when God is pissed why does he always seem to throw shit at his biggest supporters.

    1. MichelesPantalones

      He doesn't like them any more than we do. You know how it is. Just because people LIKE you on FB doesn't mean you're gonna LIKE them back.

    1. BornInATrailer

      "I treasure my morning quiet times – just me and Jesus alone with the sunrise. Sometimes I fantasize about Jesus choking me. I am very angry."

      Some of those are great. Thank you.

  19. donner_froh

    State government workers in Trenton who at first thought strong winds had kicked up almost immediately realized they were feeling a tremor of an intensity that's rare in the Garden State
    since the last time Governor Christie rolled over in bed.

  20. Mumbletypeg

    Felt it here in downtown Richmond; nothing broken, no one hurt in the immediate vicinity. I should be relaying this via returned phone-message that just came through my cell from my mom's number. She lives halfway across the country & tomorrow's her birthday; should I wait til then to return the call, greeting her with "Happy birthday: your kid's alive, that's your present this year!!" ?

    1. Geminisunmars

      That is sure to beat last year's "What? You didn't receive your gift? I ordered it over a month ago. Damn Post Office."

  21. Callyson

    Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance was starting a press conference on the high-profile case involving Dominique Strauss-Kahn when the floor began shaking back and forth
    Hmmm…

  22. James Michael Curley

    Sitting in a 110 year old buildingin Jersey City I asked a couple of my coworkers; Why is the building shaking? It feels like an earthquake. As it rippled across the floor a few of them evacuated. I called maintenance to clean it up.

  23. Radiotherapy®

    I felt it here in the outer banks. Hey, how about that…At least I didn't panic, evacuate and run into the streets screaming like those pussies in the most secure building in the world

  24. baconzgood

    Earth quake in DC. The talking heads will say it was Jebus telling us libs are evil. But let's not forget. Fires, drought, oil spills, and the general douche baggery that's going on the south and has been for months.

  25. SheriffRoscoe

    I had to get rid of my cable teevee in the economic downturn but I'm guessing CNN, MSNBC and FOX are going to milk this until tomorrow morning. Can anyone confirm? Damn. Times like these I miss shelling out the bucks for Wolf Blitzer telling me over and over just how terrified I ought to be.

    1. Geminisunmars

      Suddenly Tripoli stopped existing, and only the earthquake was on CNN. Didn't check the others.

  26. Texan_Bulldog

    If there weren't so many gehs on the East Coast, I'm sure this would have never happened. Right, Jerry Falwell?

  27. pinkocommi

    I sometimes wish that there were an angry, vengeful, active God that would make his displeasure known to those on Capitol Hill, the White House and on Wall Street. But I thought he would just smite them all down with heart disease and diabetes by making donuts and bacon oh so delicious and irresistible. But an earthquake would work. Let's go with earthquake.

    Is it too late to add Texas to my list of those to be smited?

    1. SorosBot

      Texas is being smote, just slowly, by drought caused by the global warming most Texans know is a liberal commie conspiracy.

  28. Fare la Volpe

    Not even kidding: the FOX news reaction to the quake was "How does this affect the markets?"

    Turns out, natural disasters give the Dow a 100 point boner.

    1. tihond

      Their lips were saying "how does this affect the markets," but their minds were thinking "will this get me laid?"

  29. baconzgood

    "Something happened a long time ago in Virginia, and people might not want to talk about it. Virginians were originally under the heel of the Free Masons. You know, Jefferson the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the English. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other."

    -Pat Robertson Tomorrow in The 700 Club-

    1. weejee

      You do realize it was only 5.9 right?

      You do realize it was only 9.5 right?

      Fixed. Probly felt like that to Eastcoasters, just sayin'.

      1. kingofmeh

        the national news event made out of this recalls the way atlanta shuts down when there's an inch of snow. it's only interesting when you haven't been through it before.

  30. GhostBuggy

    "A 5.9 earthquake struck in Virginia Tuesday afternoon and was felt up…"

    That's what it gets for going near D.C., filthy whore that it is, and shaking it for those disgusting Congressmen and Senators.

  31. notreelyhelping

    Here's how you know you work with a geologist. If the building starts shaking, they excitedly grab hold of a doorway and begin saying: "2.2…2.8…3.5…."

    1. ph7

      Here's how you know you work with an opportunist: you excitedly grab the young receptionist in the conference room and begin saying "this could be the end of the world…"

  32. PuckStopsHere

    Don't they know that if they give you the afternoon off, the terrorists have won? Go shopping people, go shopping, For America.

  33. ph7

    My office is five blocks from the White House, Having lived in DC my whole life, my first guess was that the violent shaking I felt this afternoon was a Timothy McVeigh incident. Next on my list was an underground gas explosion that sometimes happens in the 150 year old sewers here. Earthquake (on the east coast ?!?) was way down my list.

    1. finallyhappy

      I was on the Mall in a museum- east coasters thought a bomb but west coasters said earthquake. I thought a big exhibit had fallen down(That crazy NGA art hater taking to hating on Natural History)

  34. DaRooster

    I sure wish that congress was not on vacation… woulda been great to see clips of those fucking panty-wastes diving on the floor crying and screaming.

  35. horsedreamer_1

    Earthquakes shake, while terrorism is the product of sheikhs. Coincidence??

    & even worse, who's the biggest sheikh in DC, right now? Obama!

  36. baconzgood

    I just went to faux-noose check out the comments. Here's one:

    "…Given the list of things that have plagued Obama…
    * Fly infestation
    * Rodents on the White House lawn
    * Frog infestation on highways (google earlier news reports on this)
    * Bed bugs
    * Michelle
    * Birds, fish, cattle deaths
    * The economy
    * Bush
    * The Tea Party"

    I am beginning to believe that if God Himself came down and told Obama,
    "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" that he would actually tell God… "The American People have made it clear, they want to follow me"

    Of course this person forgot about the Poison Monkey's that shoot laser sharks out of thier butts.

    1. emmelemm

      So, Michelle is one of the bad things? Because I bet the President thinks he's pretty lucky to get to bang that every night.

  37. hilbillyheroine

    The remnants of failed prophet, Harold Camping (who predicted May 21, 2011, and are NOW predicting Oct. 21, 2011) are holed up in their Yahoo Discussion Group compound, and are, as I type, fitting this act of God into their scripture cypherin.

  38. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Daughter: "Was that an earthquake?"
    Me: "Yep."
    Daughter: "Huh."
    (We go back to our books.)

    Am I to understand that some people got excited?

    1. finallyhappy

      If you had been in the building I was in- with thousands of tourists- and a big old rotunda shaking- yeah, you'd get excited

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Daughter: "Was that an earthquake?"
        Me: "Yep."
        Daughter: "Huh."
        (We resume examining the rotunda.)

        You just don't know my daughter.

  39. Redhead

    Yeah that would be 5 miles from Mineral, VA and 84 from DC… but ABC's math is still better than Bachmann's, so we'll let it go.

  40. Impishparrot

    Pat Robertson will be on his Jesbuzz network raising $$$ to again — Pray away the Gay! You know it's their fault so let's buy US some salvation in 5, 4, 3…

  41. ttommyunger

    Note to Virginians (aka morons) don't relax your sphincters just yet, Hurricane Irene is heading your way and picking up speed. Should make landfall in your neck of the woods by Saturday. Enjoy!

  42. oldmayfly

    Seismograph in Cartersville, GA (near Atlanta) picked up tremors. My house (in midtown Atlanta) swayed slightly. Interesting experience.

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