Jan Brewer is writing some hottt new political book about the meth orgies Bristol Palin used to throw with Jesus and Joe Arpaio in the basement of Bristol’s bland foreclosed Arizona drug palace, but Brewer is a little behind on the manuscript deadline already slated for release on November 1 for reasons oh-so beyond her control. Who is there to blame? Maybe her legislative agenda or her hair appointments or just some random brown guy always named José? NO, GUESS HARDER. No? Oh fine, it’s Barack Obama causing all problems, as usual. “I’m working away, trying to get this all done on the weekends and late at night, trying to get it done, and all of a sudden, here we go: he starts it all up again,” she told a reporter. What’s Obama doing, calling her on the phone every night to leave sexy messages reminding her she looks like John McCain in drag?Â
The East Valley Tribune reports:
The governor told Capitol Media Services Monday she essentially had completed her writing of “Scorpions For Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure the Border.” And then, “something came up.”
“I’m working away, trying to get this all done on the weekends and late at night, trying to get it done, and all of a sudden, here we go: He starts it all up again,” Brewer said.
The “he” is Barack Obama. And what he restarted, the governor said, is what she sees as another hit to border security, this time with the administration’s plans to stop deporting some illegal immigrants, focusing its resources instead on those with criminal backgrounds.
If Jan Brewer’s hair looks like a giant blob of glue got tangled in a mop today, that is also Barack Obama’s fault. [East Valley Tribune]
{ 202 comments }
Needs more headless bodies in the desert.
Oh, hey now, she's only one person! She's doing the best she can.
Or just one.
or Anton Chigurh.
"Headless Body Found In Topless Bar" best NY Post headline evah.
Just proves she secured the border. I don't see any headless bodies there, do you?
Mandingo!
She can't finish her book until he stops being so black.
That could take a while.
But not forever (ref: Michael Jackson).
Vitiligo libel!
Actually, her GHOSTWRITER can't finish the book. Jan sends her ghostwriter a bunch of illiterate racist nonsense, the ghostwriter has to re-write it and send it back, to which Jan has to make "edits" and then …again…send it back to her ghostwriter. Also, too, Jan says she has to PAY HER GHOSTWRITER. Can you freakin' believe that illiterate racist governors have to PAY someone to write books for them? That, my friend, is SOSHULIZM.
But the deepest cut is having to pay someone to read for them. Going rate is fitty cent a page, I hear.
Pretty sure this hits nail on head.
Those Hip Hop BBQs can be so distracting…
What with their ghetto blasters and boisterous dancing and loud whooping and all.
Get off my lawn/quiet down, up there!
Governor, if President Obama is delaying your book, that is yet another reason to vote for him next year. Now, if he could only delay the House majority from whatever obstructionism it plans for the next year and a half…
Yeah, but he would have to stand up to them… let us hope.
You know who else looked like John McCain in drag?
That's right…
~
Rudy Guiliani in drag?
Governor Good Hair?
Coultergeist?
Meghan McCain?
Bruce Villanch?
No no, he said "John McCain in drag," not Cindy.
Cindy?
Lindsey Graham ?
Lindsey Graham in drag is redundant.
Ham biscuits?
Oily Taintz?
Christine O'Donnell's private parts?
Henngggggh?
I'll go with Emperor Palpatine.
Don Rickles?
KenLayLives?
Angela Lansbury?
Which he was it? That one?
Yeah and that earthquake was also Barry's fault!
So did it move for you too?
Yes! I am on the 6th floor and my friend and I were each looking at each other wandering who was rocking the couch.
My monitors looked like they were doing the tango.
My friend and I were such girls! We were screaming and then I made her get in the bathtub and realised that was what you do for tornadoes so we were screaming and laughing at the same time, but that was my first even though I live sometimes in LA.
It was quite scary, in here in beautiful Trenton. I have never felt anything like that before. Except this one time, in band camp . . .
I am not ashamed to say that I was terrified.
It definitely is different higher up. I was once on the 26th floor in Reno when a 4.8 struck. 4.8 is a lot more movement 200 ft up. Our room was swaying about 2-3 feet… the drawers slammed open then shut then open again. I live in Nor Cal and we have plenty… but not at the 26th floor. Pretty hairy… We went down and sat in the middle of the largest parking lot we could find and drank beer until 3:30 am.
Any excuse to stay out drinking, eh?
Now THAT is a plan.
Well, of course he caused it. Kenyan witch doctor, and all that.
We rocked out in Rehoboth Beach, but time until Bachmann blames Obama, 3…2…1
When did Jennifer Delaney move to Arizona?
Scorpions For Breakfast? Really?
Well, Batshit Crazy and Lovin' It was already taken, seeing as how that's Arizona's state motto.
So was Bigots and Bongos Wingnuts be ritin'!
There's a reason foodies avoid Arizona.
It does wonders for the complexion I hear. All nice and leathery and wrinkled.
Fuck that sun-bleached cowhide racist, a giant Slim Jim in a wig.
Slim Jims have less wrinkles.
and fewer unnatural substances floating within them.
Scorpions For Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure the Border
Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, that's the title???
tl;dr
~
And we wonder what's wrong with education in America.
Atlas Shrugs
More like "Atlas Yawns."
Needz moar words.
Seriously, that sort of reminds me of that Fiona Apple album title that was insanely, insanely long and the press just sort of shortened it to write about it.
I can't wait till she gets to the part about "fighting the librul media". Y'know, like how she has a stroke during a debate, or just cold runs away when asked a question.
Oh, just shut up, you stand-in for Gladys Kravitz's corpse.
Dead Gladys has more personality.
Abner, don't you ever think of romance anymore?
Gladys, please. I'm retired!
//rimshot
Gladys Kravitz's Corpse would make a great band name.
Obviously, Jan just gots jungle fever, judging by that fervent prayer grip.
Don't you know she just WANTS HIM NOW.
"Dear Barry,
I am really mad that you keep taking me to court, but I can't help myself.
Every night I go to sleep, wondering what you're kind of pajamas you wear, and how I would, under the right circumstances, allow you to have sex with me while wearing them in order to minimize contact. I want your penis, but am also desperately terrified your blackness might rub off on me. Maybe that's why I can't stop thinking about you.
Quivering in wrinkly anticipation,
Jan"
She looks like an old desert tranny prospector who lost his hormone supply.
That cunt.
You say that as though you'd likely see one of those under every cactus. Arizona sounds pretty weird.
So prioritizing efforts to deport murderers and drug dealers first, instead of her gardener and pool boy, keeps her from writing?!
If we have to focus on criminals to deport, when will we deport the families and workers and children?!
If you deport the drug dealers first, there is little reason left to live in Arizona. Why does Barry O hate the desert so much?
“Scorpions For Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure the Border.”
I fucking hate Scorpions…and The Eagles.
Hurricanes will destroy chillwave, yo.
Upfist, Chill, I hate the fucking Eagles also. Too.
It would be easier if they just put Pres O in one of them special interest private prisons (with all the beheaded Mexicans) that pay Jan's bills so that she could get some shit written about her fight against headless illegals and special interests.
Yeesh, these tough, strong, feisty maverick Governor's fighting the LSM with one hand tied behind their backs still get waylaid by pesky ethics complaints or deportation efforts. What is a female Governor to do?
Her job?
Hey, Jan, lemme help you finish that book:
"Illegulz, librulz, SOSHULIZM, Messicans. WHY DO THEY SUCK? Barack Obama, that's why. WHUT TO DO PATRIOTS? Freedom. Gunz. 9/11. CONSTITUTION. Jesus, uh, more Jesus."
$11.95 in paperback. You're welcome.
Too many words. Break the sentences into more paragraphs, please.
WTF?
With the ability to pee in her hair from that far away, that Barack must have excellent aim.
Or a long barrel. Or both.
"The water's awful cold."
"Yeah, and it's deep too."
She can pee in her own hair from far away.
Those darn pesky Negroes! Shoo! Shoo!
"Let me help you. I speak Jive…."
"hello!? is this the cocksucker residence!?" OH BARRY!
Sammy the Scorpian says "They're Great!!!
And then, “something came up.”
Her editor's lunch, no doubt.
Ahem, Ms. Brewer? Maybe, instead of writing your book, you should GOVERN THE GODDAMNED STATE.
As an AZ resident, i feel that the less "governing" JB can do, the better..
When I get to it, OKAY??? I have a bank account to fill and corruption just isn't bringing it what it used to.
OT, but, any reports out there on the whereabouts of Chris Christie? He isn't travelling in Virginia today, is he?
The Coast Guard reported unusual whale activity off Virginia Beach, does that help?
He was doing Jumping Jacks in Louisa! Actually just one.
Avast!
…and if there are any more hurricane warnings, it'll just be ol' Thunder Thighs cutting the cheese…
Thar she blows! Man the harpoon!
He Tweeted: Help ive fallen and cant getup #-many, many#
"He starts it all up again,”
that was actually a reference to her husband whipping out one of their sex toys. Distractions, distractions.
Take a page from Gov. Perry and skip the book. 2012 is a Presidential election year, and just about the time her book comes out she'll have to disavow it and claim it's "non-operative."
As opposed to being pre-operative, which that photo kinda makes her look.
Hey, all the transexuals I know look much, much better than JB.
If she writes the way she debates her publishers had better get a room full of monkeys to work on that thing or it'll never get done.
Virginia earthquake – Obama's fault.
See what I did there?
In all seriousness, does this woman have one of those brain-eating amoebas? No, no- you're right. She's just a dumb bitch.
I'd say that there are no amoebas here in the desert, but if she's eating scorpions, god only knows what pathogens she's picking up.
Now don't you be blaming science for this.
No, this dumb bitch is a brain-eating amoebas.
What's great is in 2016 when she's running for president her spokesman will deny she ever wrote this book.
"The Governor has never written, read, or seen a book in her life."
Being a lying conservative author is so damn lucrative…it might be the only jobs left anymore.
i'm rooting for the scorpions, i guess?
Barack you like a hurricane!
Obama: "Where ya white women at??"
The first five words out of Obama's mouth after he met Jan Brewer. Emphasis on *women.*
Actually, it wouldn't be Sammy the Scorpion for her breakfast cereal, it would probably be Afortunado the Hispanic Leprechaun.
"They're always after mi amuleto!"
Yellow scorpions, blue collars and green cards
Or something.
And rednecks.
Jan Brewer. Constipated." I blame Obama".
Scorpions for breakfast will do that to you. Ouch.
Metamucil will help clear that writer's block, you old hag.
Ooh waaah. Have some personal responsibility Jan! Always "Barry, Barry, Barry."
I LOL'd when I read that in Florence Henderson's voice.
She reminds me of the ugly, shriveled-up, mannish-boy who cried "Wolf!".
What she didn't mention is that Barry's first question when he calls is "What are you wearing?"
She also gets tired of Obama referring to her as "his" Goddess….
So in other words, her ghostwriter quit?
Bristol Palin?
Snap!!!!
Of course, there is also too, the history of the old lady's memorable senior moments. Add them all together and it's impossible to complete a book.
It's Obama's fault about the earth quake too.
(I'm not one for topical humor, but I'll make and exception this time)
I started writing the Great American Novel, but then all of these black and brown people started bothering me by being black and brown, so I stopped. My writer's block is their fault.
How's a white gal supposed to work on her literary masterpiece what with all these darkies and Messicans runnin' around. Shakespeare did not have these problems.
WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE BLONDE WHITE WOMAN???
Only if she gets killed or kills one of her kids or is kidnapped first, of course…..
Sounds like a job for Nancy Grace.
Why? Is one missing from Aruba again?
Sounds like a riff for a blues tune … I awreddy spent de advance money … now dey want it back … Just because I cain't write no words … But most cause Obama's black. I got dem blues. Dem illegal immigrant blues.
My redneck readers are waitin'… just to go out and vote … But unless I finish this damned book … Dey can just go fuck a goat … I got dem blues. Dose Dem and Obama blues.
Glancing at the headline I thought "She can't mean that the fucking President of the fucking United States, while toppling despots, killing the bogeyman and trying to create a couple of jobs, has anything to do with her and her book."
Jan thinks VERY highly of herself and of her importance in the world.
And here I thought it was the on air stroke during her governor race debate.
Finish the danged book.
Why did Obama make Mexico so close to Arizona? Hmm?
I believe le mot juste is "Henngh?"
Compare:
“Scorpions For Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure the Border.”
with:
"Mein Kampf: Four and a Half Years of Struggle Against Lies, Stupidity and Cowardice."
Bingo! There's a reason short titles are important. Yes, you know who screwed that up. It really was Hitler.
I can't wait for the sequel, Horseshit for Dessert: My Fight against Facts, Common Sense, and Due Process to Galvanize a Bloc of Fearful White People.
# PULITZER PRIZE WINNER!
It is Obama's fault. He could have left Janet Napolitano where she was.
True dat!
Really, no kidding. I've said it many times, but that was easily one of his worst picks mostly because of what it meant politically. We could afford to lose Vilsack and Hillary and Joe…but Janet?
That Obama and his hidden cameras that allow him to see just when she sits down to write… it pays to be the Prez.
I thought Barry had been looking a little haggard lately. Having to look at that on a regular basis would do me in.
Since Obama got elected, I'm having trouble finishing reading a book too.
"Barry, Barry you're so fine
You're so fine you rock my mind, OBAMA!
(clap clap clap clap) OBAMA!
Barry, Barry you're so rad
Mess my mind up awful bad, OBAMA!
(clap clap clap clap) OBAMA!"
–Her Cheer
Scorpions For Breakfast, Snakes for Lunch, Spiders for Dinner and Puppies for a Late Night Snack.
If you are what you eat, she seems more like a 'scab sandwich and glass of pus' kind of girl.
What a perfect excuse for anything:
I was just about finished with 1) updating the 150,000 record Excel file; 2) cleaning out the gutters; 3)losing 20 pounds;
when Obama starts up again.
For 1) try using a pivot table, to make sure you don't lose any records. Come to think of it, a pivot table is good for 2) and 3) as well.
Eric Holder's Drought and Fire probably didn't help Arizona much either.
Why doesn't she just collect some old poems that use the word "flag" and "faith" in them a lot and just publish that?
"Shoot if you must this old gray head,
But spare my country's flag," she said.
Ask not for whom the 'Bargains' bin gapes: it gapes for thee.
If I am remembering correctly from her campaign debates, it is not really too difficult to stall out this woman's brain.
Should be *Crickets* for Breakfast: My Struggle to Form a Complete Sentence During the Gubernatorial Debate Yet Still Become Governor.
(Thanks, AZ voters! You fucking rawk!)
"What’s Obama doing, calling her on the phone every night to leave sexy messages reminding her she looks like John McCain in drag?"
Actually, that's Rick Perry impersonating Obama:
"Aaah said, chill the fuck out there, mud er fuck her…"
So, it was a perfect world until BHO came along?
It sure was. Remember Leave it to Beaver? That's what life is like when you kick out all the messicans.
I believe the delay is, in reality, caused by her inability to think constantly of nothing but sucking big black cock. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Who gives two shits about what this leathery old bag thinks about anything? She might as well fill up 250 pages with "I hate Mexicans", that's all those teabaggers want to read.
Obama – your one-stop excuse megastore !
He's totally responsible for the cancellation of "Terriers"…
There should be a website where we can post all of the many, many things he's ruined.
"The governor told Capitol Media Services…"
For complete unbiased coverage… no doubt.
If every white woman in America let the hot black guy on her mind stop her from writing, the only white womon writer we have would be Ann Coulter.
How can you expect life to go on as usual, how can you pretend this situation is normal, when there is a BLACK PRESIDENT! You can't expect business as usual while there is a BLACK PRESIDENT. This is a calamity, an evil, a time of chaos and terror. For old fucktarded racists, anyway. Its not fair to expect them to be able to do anything, they have hands to wring, circles to run in, pity to wallow in, resentment to seethe, panicking to do, and they have to do all of this with asploded heads, in a blind rage.
Danged uppity blacks upsetting the writing process!
BTW, Jan, did the dog always eat your homework when you were a schoolgirl, back before electricity?
It is kind of winsome, the way you imply that she has some sort of an education.
Anyone else ever notice that nothing is a teabagger's fault? So much for "personal responsibility".
It's a matter of President Obama's personal responsibility, see — all he has to do is stop doing things that piss Jan Brewer off, but it's like it's a sickness with him that he can't control. I'm sure he says he could stop anytime he wants to, and then goes back to his same old habits. It's sad, really.
So Barack Obama is to blame for her time management problem?
Strange she didn't blame the special interests, liberal media, and cynical politicos. Or the scorpions. You'd think they had something to do with it.
Recipe:
Scorpions on a bed of endives and herb cheese
Remove the stingers and pincers from the scorpions. Marinate for 30 minutes in white wine, honey and lemon. Bake in a 250°C oven for 5 minutes. Stir-fry the endives, together with garlic, pepper and salt. Serve them hot on plates and add 50 g of herb cheese, allowing it to melt. Top each plate with a few scorpions.
You're welcome, Brewer.
Scorpions for breakfast . . . Hyperbole much?
If you hate life so much . . . do something else! Jesus H Gobstopper Christ on a Crutch
Oh please oh please, tell me she took a million $ advance she'll now owe them.
Really Jan? Barry's fault? Sounds to me like somebody's got Obama on their mind. An epidemic of Jungle Fever sweeping the Asslands, eh? Forget it, Jan, he wouldn't fuck you with MY dick. BTW, Ham Biscuits says his best girl looks a Helluva lot better than you when in drag, so there!
Remember when someone used to have to actually do something before they wrote a fucking book? Took a dump this morning, suppose I'll write a book about it!
I'd just like to thank Hopey once again for stealing our fairly intelligent and perfectly sane Governor and inflicting this blonde anal wart upon us.
Scorpions For Breakfast = SCORPION LIBEL!
Count me out of getting this glorious epic unless the pages are individually perforated & made from soft, absorbent 2-ply sheets.
Is this bitch Rexella Van Impe or what?
I'm torn on nearly a daily basis, now, because I have major sympathy that the president has to deal with petty shit like this, and then anger because he practically and actively invites this kind of shit by not being more vocal about and against it. The Jews must thank Yahweh for the all-encompassing distraction that Barack Obama has become.
Why Governess Gila Monster, that was mighty white of you. Can we still call these things dog whistles when everyone can hear them?
I wonder if she will be recounting the adventures of her son, who has resided in the Arizona State Hospital for twenty years. In 1990 he was found not guilty by reason of insanity for a kidnapping and rape and has been a guest of the taxpayers since then. The information about the crime, trial, and punishment was public information until Secretary of State Jan had it sealed once she decided to run for governor.
Thanks to a lawsuit by Phoenix Newspapers, Inc., the records were unsealed a year later, but, hey, who reads newspapers except the olds who empathize with Jan because their kids are nothing but trouble, too.
And as for that I-Hate-Special-Interests chapter, why doesn't she hate them enough to stop sending people to the private prisons owned by her largest campaign donor?
The book is late because she is in the middle of another one of her six month brain lockups.
And there you were, the two of you, in the tub. And your eyes met.
Allow me to be the first to say .gif!
I was considering diving under my desk. We could hear the people upstairs screaming.
You saucy minx. This was all a clever plot to get your friend in the shower with you. Nothing brings an innocent young girl to your bosom quite like shrieking terror.
Oh, you two daft sillies. How drole.
Sounds like a great sitcom, Lizzie.
"Your breasts look lovely in the fluorescence…"
I was a good host , I just helped her in and I was cowering on the floor!
And there you were, the two of you, in the tub. And your eyes met.
You forgot the ellipse,
And there you were, the two of you, in the tub. And your eyes met…
/fixed
Fair enough. Though I'm amused at the notion of the action stopping right there, awkwardly.
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