the gop's kafka.Rick Perry’s Texas conservative Jeebus freak routine includes some anti-establishment trailer park teabagger romance novel he released last year called “Fed Up!” One of the book’s themes is a general contempt for Social Security and social safety net programs for the elderly — typical polite parlor chat in rich white Southern homes, but not a concept suitable for a nation of older voters who have seen their pension funds and 401ks fed cyanide margaritas throughout the recession. What should Rick Perry tell those people? Easy! Just lie: “Rick Perry never said any of that, Social Security is cool, Rick Perry loves people who love Social Security just as much as he loves a photograph of a tiny baby wombat. Have you ever seen one of those? They’re so cute. Who doesn’t love cute? Rick Perry loves cute. CUTE.” Fine, we are paraphrasing, but only by a little. Rick Perry’s spokesman has never actually heard of “wombats.” How to spin this?  

WSJ Washington Wire blog:

[Perry] suggested the program’s creation violated the Constitution. The program was put in place, “at the expense of respect for the Constitution and limited government,” he wrote, comparing the program to a “bad disease” that has continued to spread. Instead of “a retirement system that is no longer set up like an illegal Ponzi scheme,” he wrote, he would prefer a system that “will allow individuals to own and control their own retirement.”

But since jumping into the 2012 GOP nomination race on Saturday, Mr. Perry has tempered his Social Security views. His communications director, Ray Sullivan, said Thursday that he had “never heard” the governor suggest the program was unconstitutional. Not only that, Mr. Sullivan said, but “Fed Up!” is not meant to reflect the governor’s current views on how to fix the program.

Yes. He never heard Perry say that. He might have read those words on a page, but he never heard it. Catch his drift? [WSJ]

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  • nounverb911

    And now a word from our sponsor, Rick "Don't Quote Me Bro" Perry.

  • finallyhappy

    Couldn't a house drop on this lying mofo???

    • MichelesPantalones

      Well … yes, but wouldn't that be a waste of a perfectly good house?

      • LiveToServeYa

        Not if it was underwater in the first place. That way, the owner could collect the insurance in the Being-Dropped-on-an-Asshole clause.

  • nounverb911

    Rick you better pray people don't buy your book and find out what you really think.

  • F' ED UP!

  • jus_wonderin

    Well, it might be that Perry's mouth was filled with Koch so the words weren't "heard".

  • Steverino247

    How do these assholes keep getting elected? Is NO ONE paying any attention after the word "Jesus" comes out of their mouths?

    • Sue4466

      Sub "Jesus" for "Ginger" and you got it.

      • Steverino247

        Yeah, that's about it. BAD DOGS, er, VOTERS!

        • Sue4466

          I must point out that my dogs are smarter than the average Tea Party voter.

          • finallyhappy

            Unless your dogs are incredibly overbred- they are smarter than the way above average teabagger.

          • Sue4466

            And more consistent in their logic and policies too.

          • emmelemm

            My dog is smarter, friendlier, spry-er even in his geriatric years, and much more fun to have around than the average Tea Partier.

            ETA: His breath is atrocious and smells like South Street Seaport on a 100 degree afternoon, but it's still probably better than most Teabaggers.

          • MichelesPantalones

            My *cat* is smarter than the average teabagger. I pill him once, he knows better than to trust me ever again, no matter how nice I make with the "here kitty-kitty" bullshit. He rolls me the hairy eyeball, waits till I'm within grabbing distance, then takes off running, causing me to land on my ass to the merriment of any watchers or passers-by. These eejits keep voting for the same bullshit artists no matter how many times they get kicked in the teeth.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Where in the Constitution does it say Rick Perry should even exist?

    • Pragmatist2

      That bit about three-fifths of a person.

    • flamingpdog

      In Leviticus 18:23?

      Oh, wait, you say that's not in the Constitution?

      • BarackMyWorld

        That's my new favorite Bible chapter.

        • MichelesPantalones

          That's a whole lotta "do nots" to remember.

      • Negropolis

        The all time greatest hits:

        18 “‘Do not take your wife’s sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living.

        21 “‘Do not give any of your children to be sacrificed to Molek, for you must not profane the name of your God. I am the LORD.

        22 “‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.

        23 “‘Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Texas is not in the Constitution, nor were any "Texans" signatories to it.

      The only solution to this egregious error is to repeal the Louisiana Purchase — & all other impositions of "Manifest Destiny".

  • People read?

    • Callyson

      Past tense…as in, yes, once upon a time, people read…

    • MichelesPantalones

      Who you callin' "people"?

  • Buzz Feedback

    "Foreward by Newt Gingrich"


    • nounverb911

      Newt Gingrich? Isn't he that the guy from "Breakfast at Tiffany's"?

      • Gleem_McShineys


        "Breastfeed at Grifftany's"

      • Negropolis

        More like "Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner at Tiffany's."

    • flamingpdog

      If only Newt were actually forward-thinking. Of thinking.

    • BarackMyWorld

      The one who's ALSO running for president?


      • SenileAgitation

        if Perry walks back his Fed Up positions I guess he makes Newt take the stroll, too, so they can still be friends, but probably not kiss as much anymore

  • nounverb911

    The prayers of Texas have been answered, Perry has left the state (temporarily at least).

  • How about our fight to save America From Texass?

  • emmelemm

    Wombats are adorable.

    Oh, and fuck Rick Perry with a rusty machete. Thank you.

  • facehead

    The book was not intended to be a factual statement.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I believe he didn't "say" this. I believe he didn't write this book – did you SEE them big ol words, shoowee, whatever pardner. (kicks shit)

    RIck just wants to be the Pres (or make money trying) He'll tell you what – after BofA helps Rick out, he'll let you know what he thinks next.

  • Sue4466

    The views in the book are his views on SUNDAY. Today is MONDAY. Thus, the book does not reflect his current views. Catch up people!

    Rick's going to be doing a book a day to keep up with his shifting views. Thank god amazon does self publishing.

    • jus_wonderin

      He should have gotten it published as a 3 ring binder. That way he could say "Page 102, take that one out and put in this new page 102."

      • Sue4466

        So he's loose-leaf stupid?

        Yep. That works.

      • MichelesPantalones

        We used to do that with documentation for mainframes.

    • SmutBoffin


      (Haha. Remember that shit? John Kerry? 2004? No? Nvrmnd.)

      • Sue4466

        It's not a flip flop when Republicans do it.

        When it's a republican, it's called being a maverick.

        Yes, please let's bring back that term.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          So, Perry participates in non-protected anal sex?

          Wow, that works, too!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Rick Perry is riding one of those not-so-swift boats.

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          It seems a tad shorter than the other boats too, how odd.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Rebecca Black is more consistent.

  • Pragmatist2

    Unlike the human race, Rick Perry evolves.

    • Sue4466

      Daily, it appears. And based on polling, which is just like natural selection.

    • MichelesPantalones

      He's just good at covering up the vestigial stuff — tail, gills, webbed feet.

  • not meant to reflect the governor’s current views on how to fix the program….is almost as good as "not intended as a factual statement."

  • MissusBarry

    Really, the oldz teabaggers like just that one program? I'm shocked.

    Also, keep the gubmint outs my soshul sekuritee!

    • nonbeliever7

      Keep Socialist Government out of my Socialist Security!

  • Is this the same Rick Perry that the "librul meedia" started calling a "front runner" before he even entered the GOP race?

    • GeorgiaBurning

      He's always been a "front runner": whatever idea is in front, he's running on it

    • MichelesPantalones

      Yep. And they just don't understand why he sputtered and fizzled so quickly, or why the Republicans keep yelling for another eejit to get in the race.

      Pataki claims he's going to throw his hat in the ring next. Also, Paul Ryan, too.

  • mavenmaven

    Don't listen to what I say, only look at what I do… no, that won't work either…

    • gvvt

      Take a look at my hair and these forceful, completely presidential thumbs-up gestures!

  • gullywompr

    Making flippy floppy.

    • nounverb911

      Needs more Viagra.

  • How to spin this?

    This is a tale too Grimm for even a moose's daughter to spin Perry's straw into gold.

    BTW, Ricky's real name is Rumpledforeskin.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Perry will lead the Perry Book Burning for America event immediately following the Perry Book Signing for Freedom event.

  • nounverb911

    “will allow individuals to own and control their own retirement.”
    Just as long as the Koch boys get their cut.

  • Tundra Grifter

    This book is obviously so 2010. Just ask Rick Perry.

  • ThundercatHo

    Instead a presidential seal or "Liberty" and "Freedom" on his cowboy boots he should have boots made with the more accurate "Lying" and "Ratfucker" stamped on them. This will also help him put them on the correct feet when he gets up to go jogging for coyotes in the morning.

    • zhubajie

      Put ' "Lying" and "Ratfucker" ' on the soles, so he leaves those words behind him wherever he goes!

  • SmutBoffin

    Other things Perry has had to repudiate:

    1) his college education (while still enrolled, mostly)
    2) his repeated assertion that "Zeppelin rules dude!"
    3) his marriage to a less worthy firearm
    4) his association with hair products that have no "hold"

  • This is good news for the other pretty-haired flip flopper running for Prez.

    • nounverb911

      Marcus Bachmannn?


    What if we read the book before commenting? Oh, wait.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Why can't the gotcha media judge Rick Perry on his rugged good looks and his aura of backwoodsy independence?

    • V572 T-Blow

      A few events in the interim have diminished the broad market appeal that construct had in, say, 2000 or 2004.

  • Fox n Fiends

    Note to Rick: The Republican Party is a Ponzi Scheme.

    • iburl

      Happy Days is a Fonzie scheme.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Fear and Loathing is a Gonzo scheme.

        • growing miniature trees in pots is a bonsai scheme

        • not that Dewey

          The Great Caruso was a Mario Lanza scheme.

          • Doktor Zoom

            Don Quixote was a Panza scheme

          • user-of-owls

            Who's The Boss was a Danza scheme.

          • not that Dewey

            Air travel in Germany is a Lufthansa scheme.

          • Doktor Zoom

            The turbocharged Chevy Corvair was a Monza scheme.

          • not that Dewey

            Late-night mail-order knives are a ginsu scheme.

          • not that Dewey

            Pants without belts are a sans-a scheme.

  • glamourdammerung

    I can not believe that anyone would accuse Perry of pandering. After all, as a conservative he should be allowed to have multiple, conflicting stances, right?

    • SexySmurf

      "After all, as a conservative he should be allowed to have multiple, conflicting wide stances, right? "


      • glamourdammerung

        I thought the complaining about teh gheys while obviously craving one+ cocks in his orifice(s) was already covered by the conflicting stances part.

      • MichelesPantalones

        And a HUGE opening, also. Too.

    • zhubajie

      A pander has to have some attractive harlots to present, doesn't he?

  • cuzcorrelation

    war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength, etc. etc.

    • MrFizzy

      Burn down the village to save it.

      • comrad_darkness

        This is starting to sound like the best Plan C going.

    • intelligence is stupid

  • GOPCrusher

    I can't wait to hear how he's going to distance himself from saying that Texas should secede from the United States.

    • not that Dewey

      His communications director would like you to know that the words coming out of his mouth are not meant to reflect the Governor's views on secessionism.

    • zhubajie

      Talking out his ass doesn't count?

    • tihond

      He'll just say he was saying "Texas should succeed from the Union."

  • fartknocker

    I'm pretty sure that with Rick's Dad being born in 1925 and his mom being born in 1928 that they probably both have utilized some form of Social Security in there "golden years." I'll bet if some fine journalist went and talked to them and the fine folks in Haskell County, Texas, one would find that these folks rely on some form of Federal assistance.

    I just love this argument about how Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security is not constitutional except when it comes to the person in power – because they are different.

    • glamourdammerung

      In fairness, conservatives certainly are different.

    • zhubajie

      *Does* he take care of his aged parents? Or does he pretend they don't exist, need food, etc.? He doesn't strike me as the sort who takes filial piety very seriously.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Listen: Ricky Pilgrim has come unstuck in reality.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Perry's New New Deal.

  • metamarcisf

    Calling his book "Fed Up' was no coincidence. Rick Perry's favorite fast food? A Bilderburger with Cheese.

  • kissawookiee

    "comparing the program to a “bad disease” that has continued to spread."

    So that's where Herman Cain caught The Cancer.

  • metamarcisf

    Rick Perry goes on to say that if congress disagrees with a decision of the Supreme Court, they can override it with a 2/3 vote. Alexander Hamilton's got nothing on this guy!

  • north_of_moscow

    "I didn't mean what I said, I didn't say what I meant, who do I have to blow to become president?"

  • metamarcisf

    Although Rick Perry believes in states rights and the Tenth Amendment is printed on his vanity toilet paper, he favors constitutional amendments to outlaw all abortion and gay marriage.

  • people already own and control their own retirement – you can start a 401K or stock up on golden pirate doubloons or put all your cocaine income into t-bills or whatever the fuck you want to do. this is simply about the financial industry's hard-on for the hot sexy cash in the social security trust fund, which it would of course make mysteriously disappear.

    • unclejeems

      Truly and well said.

  • MissTaken

    FED UP! Our Fight To Save America From Washington

    Vote for me for Prez so I can go to Washington and really show you just how bad Washington is for you! Yee Haw!

  • metamarcisf

    Rick Perry wants to do away with the Sixteenth amendment (income tax of course) and the Seventeenth Amendment (people aren't smart enough to elect their own senators – leave that to the State Legislatures)

    • HistoriCat

      Might as well get rid of the Fifteenth and Fourteenth amendments too …

      oh heck – throw in the Thirteenth as well! That should settle things quite nicely.

      • AJWjr.

        Pretty much all of 'em beyond the 10th, is my understanding. And that 6th one kinda scares most of 'em, too.

  • DaRooster

    Rick Perry, you are just another dumb-ass douche from Texas… and it is far too soon.

    • philpjfry


  • metamarcisf

    Rick Perry: "Last night I shot a coyote in my jogging suit. How he got in my jogging suit, I don't know."

    • unclejeems

      Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk . . .

  • comrad_darkness

    >will allow individuals to own and control their own retirement.

    Will allow my friends on Wall Street to rob them blind, fully constitutionally. –Fixed.

    • mumbly_joe

      That's the thing, isn't it? Which of the two looks more like a Ponzi scheme, the program that is still running a technical surplus (even though admittedly that money exists in the form of government bonds), or your pre-2007 401K, which no longer exists, even though financial executives are earning record bonuses?

      Truth is, the GOP wants to turn social security into a Ponzi scheme, which is why their "brilliant budget balancing scheme" is to try and wipe out the bonds held in the Social Security fund without repayment, i.e, loot Social Security to pay for tax cuts for the super-rich.

  • MrFizzy

    Hi, I'm Rick Perry. Listen here, it's obvious I'm a dumb fuck, but by comparison to W and Sarah Palin, I must seem like John Stuart Mill. Thank ya'll for havin' such low expectations, and I'll see you at the voting booth.

  • comrad_darkness

    What I totally don't get about this non-stop victim whine from the Right is they have had their way for 30 fucking years. 30 god-damn years they have destroyed food safety, drug safety, worker safety, they've given the rich and corporations free rein to fuck over and dodge every last tax they owe, and thrown in some with ridiculous tax refunds in the billions. They've done all this, bitched and moaned about what sorry ass victims the rich and corporations are and how they will take their ball and go home and fuck us all over more if we don't give them even more candy and pat them on the head for poisoning us all, and here we are, 30 fucking years later, the middle class is living in poverty with zero wage growth for decades, deeply in debt to banks committing fraud as a business model and this motherfuckers just bitch and whine and want more of the same damn thing. They want to "take the country back" from the same damn set of decimated government and tax scams for the rich they've been getting for thirty years. The country's a wreck, and the fucking diabetic addled teabagging idiots and the Jesus humpers scream about how liberals are treasonous bastards for not going along with this plan.

    I really can't take it anymore. What the fuck is going on??

    • emmelemm

      Happy Monday to you too.

      In seriousness, though, it's reeeallllly getting dark in here. Dawn better come soon, or we are all well and truly done for.

      • comrad_darkness

        That darkness is just Hurricane Irene approaching.

    • Rotundo_

      Politics as usual in the United States of America! And yes, so long as the "nears" get it worse, these fine folks will gladly vote people in who will slit their economic throats and laugh all the way to the bank doing so. And they won't get charged the same sorts of fees we do either…

    • Ohforcripessake

      Reminds me of the poster from dispair dot com that read "It's always darkest before it goes pitch-black."

      • gvvt

        "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

    • iburl

      They will keep getting away with it too as long as so-called Democrats think that "the center" is halfway between what the average Democrat and the average Republican want. The reality is that the center will keep moving more and more rightward until we have a democratic party that HAS SOME FUCKING PRINCIPLES! In other words, it will keep happening forever.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Americans have adopted Social Darwinism, even though they reject Evolution. They're applying their idea of "Survival of the Fittest" to human society, something Darwin never intended, and makes no sense, since we are social animals living in cooperative societies. It will end in a very ugly way; hopefully I won't be around by then.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Thank you for the rant.

    • rahelio

      the dumbest part is that if you go to the comment section on your run-of-the-mill teatard blog (or the wall street journal), they'll claim that all this bad stuff is happening because of Socialism! and Reverse Racism! and Terrorists!

      The downward spiral was helped along by democrats (acting like republicans) but it just makes the blame harder to assign.

    • MrFizzy

      There's a very simple answer to this (good rant by the way): much like the 9/11 hijackers flying themselves into buildings, the only possible explanation is that they're brainwashed. Monied Republican conservatives have figured out how to manipulate more than half of this country into doing things that are against their own self interest. Stupidity reigns supreme. Time to head for Panama or Canada.

  • By taking all sides on a position president Perry can then honestly say that he clearly stated his actions before he was elected. Too bad if you don't want to be made into Soylent Green. And no, he won't wait until you're dead, it'll just pinch for a sec.

  • Barrelhse

    Dick Perry.

    • MichelesPantalones

      I dunno. Dan Savage has threatened to make Rick Santorum's first name into a household word along the lines of his last name. Yesterday's definition for "Rick" was "someone who licks up the santorum," I think. Anyway. Rick sounds like a good name for Perry. And then, there's always (P)Rick, where the (P) is silent.

      • Barrelhse

        Well, not to gossip, but I understand that Charlie Chan was quite jealous. Whenever he would get oral his wife would say "Rick! Rick!"

        • MichelesPantalones

          How did she say anything with his dick in her mouth?

  • Steverino247

    Four legs good. Two legs better. Two legs and great hair best.

    • MichelesPantalones

      Four legs only good if you can use one of them to stand one while the other three take turns dusting Rick's bum.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Perry's respect for the Constitution is like a dog's respect for a fire hydrant. He'll mark all sides.

  • fuflans

    rick perry should meet honey badger.

    • genxr

      honey badger doesn't give a fuck about rick perry

  • rocktonsam

    Rick W. Perry

    W= what?

    • zhubajie


  • Guppy06

    Rick said nothing of the sort! His ghost writer, on the other hand…

  • Callyson

    His communications director, Ray Sullivan, said Thursday that he had “never heard” the governor suggest the program was unconstitutional.
    "Lalalalala, I am not listening…"

  • "will allow individuals to own and control their own retirement"

    Prior to the Great Depression, the elderly — as 30 year olds were called back then — had company pensions and savings accounts for their retirement. When the Depression hit, the companies that held the pensions went bankrupt and the banks failed when mortgagees couldn't make their payments. (Fortunately that can never happen again!)

    The upshot was individuals who had controlled some or all of their retirement were suddenly penniless. Forced to return to work or keep working, these people magnified unemployment, especially as they displaced younger workers. The kind of younger workers who were voted "most likely to build barricades" when they dropped out of high school. In steps the Federal government with a way to coax those seniors out of the work force. By paying them.

    Retirement funds tied to the economy discourage retirement during bad times. You want to help unemployment? Allow penalty-free IRA withdrawals at age 50, make health insurance available at "employer rates" for people up to age 65. Do that and I'm outta here.

    • Steverino247

      I'll feel safer flying, too, as the flight attendants on the plane will be women who aren't there for the health insurance, but can actually perform the tasks on the safety card.

    • zhubajie

      If you read 19th century literature, bank failures destroying someone's retirement plans come up all the time, because the situation happened every 20 years or so. Read Conrad's _End of the Tether_, for example.

      • gvvt

        It's not unlike any other "guarantee" that is supposed to remain in force X years down the road. My favorite is spent-uranium storage at Yucca Mountain: "Dose assessments were to continue beyond 10,000 years and be placed in DOE's Environmental Impact Statement,.." or until the Tea Party decides that it's too expensive and based on bad science….

    • Nothingisamiss

      Amen, baby.

  • "Honor your father and your mother", Ricky. It's in the Bible. You can look it up. There's other stuff in there you might find discomforting.

  • genxr

    Rick, show me in the Constitution where it says you have to be a dumb fuck.

  • widget2011

    Great book according to Rush Limbaugh, that says all I need to know. I prefer the 1 star reviews, too bad there aren't any Ø star reviews. My review, without reading.

    Vapid, trash talking POS written by an idiot, who probably can't even read, let alone write a book. Self-serving, vacillating positions on all issues, written by Chuck Norris's quasi-ghostwriting nit-wit from WND, co-authored by Turd Blossom & Tundra Grifter.

    -5 Stars at best.

  • AJWjr.

    Ricky the Carnivorous Pony.

  • AJWjr.

    Ricky Bobby.

  • zhubajie

    Perryland, where the wounded wombat wails.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Sounds like Perry has a bit of Romney's virus. Kind of makes one flip-flop.

  • snoopyfan2010

    I hope he runs and loses. That is the only way we will be able to get rid of him in Texas.

  • Angry_Marmot

    Naked-nosed or hairy-nosed wombat? 'Cause I don't think he should be trusted with either.

  • Negropolis

    Well, you know what this means, right? Time to bust out the puppy pictures, and/or more tax cuts as distractions.

  • Negropolis

    Not only that, Mr. Sullivan said, but “Fed Up!” is not meant to reflect the governor’s current views on how to fix the program.

    Are you fucking kidding me? Did he actually just use the #notintendedasafactualstatement bullshit?

  • LiveToServeYa

    Do you know who *else* got into power because people didn't read his book?

    • widget2011

      John Kasich?

    • guangho

      Too easy.

      Donald Trump of course.

  • anniegetyerfun

    To be perfectly fair, Perry never SAID that. He WROTE that. Well, somebody wrote that and it was published in Rick Perry's name.

  • ttommyunger

    I found an old copy of Perry's book, but couldn't make out the words; Crayon does not hold up over time.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Slick Rick Perry the new Bush
    not quite ready for prime-time

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