hoarders

Rick Perry Has a Large Collection of Boots and ‘Medical Tests’

I think I'll name this dog BOOTS, after all my BOOTS! Heh hehEvery day is Christmas for Future President Cowboy Rick Perry. This is partially because that is the law down in Texas, where as much as they want to “teach Creationism” to their children, they are cursed with the burden of also including some facts about science, even though all the miniature Rick Perrys find it so boring, and wrong. ANYWAY. Every day is Christmas because Rick Perry sure does get a lot of gifts, just like the little niño Jesus got, in the manger. Specifically, people just love sending Rick Perry crates full of hair gel and boots. And also “medical tests,” so maybe Rick Perry also suffers from migraines, like all the most gifted Republican candidates!

Rick Perry must report all his gifts, which is lucky for us, because we get to know about all the weird things that everyone is anxious to send Rick Perry.

Perry reported accepting “medical tests” or “medical assessments” in 2001 and 2010 from Dr. Kenneth Cooper of Dallas, Texas, an exercise guru regarded as the father of aerobics, and also in 2010 from Dr. Randy Hickle, an anesthesiologist who founded a state-of-the art primary care facility in Lubbock, Texas.

Then there are the boots.

Perry, his wife and children have accepted pairs from El Paso’s J. Robert Brown, a Texas Parks and Wildlife Commission member; Fort Worth auto dealer Roger Williams, who Perry appointed Secretary of State; oilman and major GOP donor Harold Courson; and real estate developer Fausto Yturria.

But Perry’s most prolific boot-giver by far is famed Houston bootmaker Rocky Carroll, who has given Perry at least 10 pairs of custom-made boots since 1991, according to the filings, including a 2008 pair bearing the insignia of the Republican Governors Association, which Perry chaired until stepping down to run for president.

Carroll — who has made boots for everyone from Queen Elizabeth and Liz Taylor to former Presidents Carter, Reagan and Bush (both 41 and 43) —told POLITICO his boots start at $500 a pair. Though he said he wants nothing in return for the pairs he’s given to Perry and other dignitaries, he did concede in a March interview with the St. Petersberg Times that it’s good advertising to have presidents wearing his boots.

And he predicted Perry “is going to be the next president,” recounting a call he made to the governor’s cell phone this week.

“I said ‘I’ve already started your boots with the presidential seal on them,’” said Carroll. “So he can wear them and break them in.”

Cowboy boots will be such a great change for America, and so much more fun than those Seal of the President burqas that Obama tried to bring into vogue. [Politico]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  • pukebot

    bank of america is hoping to give him some boots full of qe3 money.

  • PristinePantalones

    When are we going to wipe this smarmy little buttlick off the pages of History? I can't wait.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I don't care how many pair he owns, he still couldn't pour piss out of any of them if the directions were printed on the heel. (Thanks to LBJ for the quote…)

    • Swampgas_Man

      re: Pearls Before Swine: "Not quite, but you get bonus points for sticking your head in and trying to dry the piss w/ your hair."

    • WorkTheSaxofone

      Dude was born to be the dumb half of a comedy duo.

  • Barb

    Wonder if Marcus Bachmann will get gifts of man clogs from anyone? There is no gayer shoe, or is there?

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Crocs?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Oh no honey. No self respecting gay man would be caught dead in those.

        • PristinePantalones

          Please don't tell me Marcus strikes you as self-respecting. (Actually, if he strikes you, don't tell me at all.)

          • Nothingisamiss

            Tell me!

    • pukebot

      ya, cowboy boots. "shit kickers" ? more like santorum galoshes.

      • PristinePantalones

        LOLworthy.

    • PristinePantalones

      Sorry, Barb, I'm going with "Crocs" for teh pinnacle of ghey.

      Although I really think of Marcus as more of an ostrich mules sort of guy. Maybe in a deep shade of electric pink. Eh?

  • BlueStateLibel

    And bank of america likes it best when he wears his hooker boots.

    • tihond

      And brings his own knee pads.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Are those the ones with the round heels?

    • DahBoner

      "when he wears his hooker boots."

      They have little spurs, in the shape of the Star of David, to help him gain purchase???

  • iburl

    A mindless rich pretty boy fake cowboy christian evangelical Texas governor who got his start in big time politics from Karl Rove, as the president… I wonder what that will be like?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      What could go wrong?

    • Nothingisamiss

      Well, as you know, it doesn't matter who you vote for. That guy from texas, or whoever the other "democrat" in the race is. I mean, after all, both parties are exactly the same. What could go wrong if the republicans were in charge? What, I ask you, what could go so fucking wrong??!!!?!?!

      *sobs*

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      All we have to do is make sure that our candidate gets more votes than him.

      Oh wait, that didn't work last time either.

      • Negropolis

        Obama's from Chicago, so at least two can play this game, this time. lol

  • nounverb911

    Did Perry make boots out of the coyote he shot while jogging?

  • OkieDokieDog

    Oh! He's so cute I just want to kiss him!

    The puppeh named BOOTS, not the Puss-in-Boots that's holding him.

  • genxr

    This weekend I'm going to cheer myself up by imagining Rick Perry on election night, losing, but wearing an expensive pair of boots with the Presidential seal, already worn in.

    • poncho_pilot

      …and nothing else but shame…

      • genxr

        Ah-

        *puts down whiskey*

        *picks up brain bleach*

        • poncho_pilot

          sorry. better like this?

          "…and nothing else but shame a Snuggie…"

          feel free to substitute Slanket for Snuggie.

      • PristinePantalones

        Tears, also.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, out with it, how many "sessions" with Marcus Bachmann has Perry been "gifted" over the years?

    • genxr

      It's like Willie Nelson said, "What did you think all those saddles and boots was about?"

    • http://www.wonkette.com sunmusing

      Was it the "free" prostate exam that Perry got from Marcus?

  • Tengu

    Only real men fetishize high-heeled, leather footwear.

    • DahBoner

      Well, those Spanish vaqueros were short little shits.

      They needed a few extra inches, like Tom Cruse…

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Free services from an anesthesiologist would explain a lot about Perry's behavior

    • poncho_pilot

      makes me wish i was a governor.

      • Negropolis

        The Propofol would flow like milk and honey, I'm sure.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This just proves that Rick Perry would be in touch with the poor, since he gets gifts all the time just like they get food stamps and welfare. He understands what they must feel like.

    • Negropolis

      Pete Hoekstra libel!

  • nounverb911

    “I said ‘I’ve already started your boots with the presidential seal on them,’”
    Are they in Obama's size?

    • Limeylizzie

      Well, if Ken has his way Perry will be President.

      • PristinePantalones

        Maybe after President Obama kicks his ass up one side and down the other, he can take away his boots, just to make (P)Rick cry.

      • Nothingisamiss

        But I do still adore Ken as well, so there's that.

      • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

        Whoa, burn thread!

        • DahBoner

          Yeah, who would have thunk that Rick Perry is just another Republican who wants to lose to Obama in 2012???

    • Negropolis

      Well, if his bowling shoes are any evidence (size 13), I think we're gonna' need some bigger boots. The dude is like Sideshow Bob, he is.

  • SexySmurf

    "Yeah, fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
    Yeah I saw it, I saw it, I tell you no lies
    Yeah Fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
    I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes"

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Perry reported accepting “medical tests” or “medical assessments”

    Why, no chickens?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Chastes isn't gonna give Rick Perry any of his chickens.

    • Negropolis

      'Cause he ends up chocking them all.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I expect America will be wearing her Fuck Me Boots if Perry is elected.

    • Nothingisamiss

      And I'm sure he'll take her (him) up on it.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Gettin' free boots? Its only fair: Perry has been givin' the boot to Texas for years…

    Of course Texas has the least insured (30% of kids!)

    • Doktor Zoom

      FREEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!!!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Dr. Kenneth Cooper of Dallas, Texas

    KOOP!
    ~

  • owhatever

    Somebody needs to stick one of those boots up his ass.

    • widget2011

      You mean all of them!

    • PristinePantalones

      Why stop at one? After all, the Wah Poo assures us that Perry "has a HUGE opening." Let's see how HUGE.

    • DahBoner

      Those boots are pointed so you can kill cockroaches in corners.

      Comes in handy down in Cockroach land, I mean Texas…

  • arihaya

    you know who else has a LARGE collection of shoes?

    • poncho_pilot

      Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head?

    • GuanoFaucet

      Imelda Marcos?

      • Negropolis

        I wasn't quick enough. :(

      • PristinePantalones

        Damn you, GuanoFaucet.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Isolà
      Manolo Blahnik
      Etienne Aigner
      Lilly Pulitzer
      Dr. Scholls
      Alexander McQueen
      ?

    • Limeylizzie

      Shit, I do.

    • widget2011

      Barbie Doll?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Hitler?

    • PristinePantalones

      My ex, of course. We couldn't pass a shoe store without a lengthy (and excruciatingly boring) excursion therein for YAPS (Yet Another Pair of Shoes, in case some mutt-lover gets on my case). Boxes and boxes and shelves and suitcases full of shoes.

    • flamingpdog
    • DahBoner

      Gay men??????

    • DaRooster

      The Kentucky Derby?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Who donated the assless chaps?

    • widget2011

      If chaps had asses, they would be called pants. Redundant. Sounds cool though.

      • DahBoner

        I say old chap….

    • PristinePantalones

      That's the $69 question.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Fuck, I always had a pretty high opinion of Ken Cooper.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Regards Senor Perry's boots, they aren't called shit kickers for nothin'.

    Regards Professor Perry's Tejas edjumacation pronouncement, science can't be good science if you load it up with all these observations, and measurements, and facts bullpucky. Science is much better understood after 6 or 10 pints of a good strong stout just before you start worshiping at the porcelain shrine.

  • GuanoFaucet

    The greatest gift Perry ever received, bottomless stupidity, was given to him by the gene fairy.

    • Negropolis

      Heathen. It wasn't given to him by evolution, but by the good Lord, who has a wicked sense of humor, at times.

    • Sue4466

      I'm thinking Perry's kind of stupid also takes a bit of effort.

      • DahBoner

        Exactly!

        It's called "Intentional Ignorance" and it is something to work at, ignoring all those facts and logical statements, sure does tucker a feller out…

    • Nothingisamiss

      I knew Gene Fairy in middle school. It was a very difficult time for him.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    P.S. Fuck Rick Perry.

    FIRE IT UP!!!!
    ~

  • Callyson

    Oh great–now my dog is after me to go rescue that cute puppy from Perry's clutches. Poor pooch does look frightened…

  • JoshuaNorton

    Channeling Molly Ivins:

    ‘The next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president, please pay attention!’

    • ThundercatHo

      Was that engraved on her tombstone? If not, it should have been. If Ricky gets the nomination all us Wonketteers are gonna have to wear Tshirts with that quote. Many, many upfists for you.

  • poncho_pilot

    human interest stories about sociopath politicians. wake me up when he has one giant boot that he fits his whole body in and jumps on turtles and mushrooms with.

    until then he's just another shithead from Texas.

  • widget2011

    To bad we can't stuff all dem der boots up his ass, no doubt they would fit, comfortably. I'm pretty sure he'll find a way to stick them all in his mouth by the end of 2011.

  • hilbillyheroine

    OMG OMG. I have a new neighbor, from Maricopa County, AZ! I didn't know it until I helped him get himself out of a locked truck. He took a glass of "sweet tea" from me, and sat down, waited for help. He's a staunch tea-partier, and I confessed I'm a liberal. He drank the sweet tea. He all of a sudden started agreeing with me. I think my sweet tea should get a patent.

    • widget2011

      You sure that "sweet tea" isn't spiked with phenobarbital, or LSD? Sounds rather Alice-In-Wonder-Landish to me.

      • hilbillyheroine

        Just good a good old-fashioned killer dose of sugar, BABY. LOL. Maybe that's the secret! Teabaggers need sugar: Lots and lots of sugar.

        • V572 T-Blow

          Doesn't work on Mormons.

          • Negropolis

            How about a nice cup of orange juice? Or is that too perky and devilish for them, too?

          • V572 T-Blow

            Well they can’t have alcohol or tobacco, let alone “drugs.” So the only mood-altering substance available is the insulin rush. Plus Jell-O, which is sugar too.

          • Negropolis

            Alchohol and tobacoo? Hell, they can't even drink hot cocoa lest they tempt the devil, let alone dark tea.

          • DahBoner

            Even the herbals, like Orange Zinger are the devil's beverages????

    • Limeylizzie

      I read that as "I helped him get himself out of a locked trunk".

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Either way, wtf?

      • DahBoner

        His new neighbor is Houdini?

    • widget2011

      I've got a great idea. You need to invite Maricopa County's Sheriff Joe Arpaio over for some tea (bagging). Maybe since he always seems to have his panties in a bundle, or has a tighty-whitey permanent wedgie, you could talk some sense into him.

    • sezme

      Why am I not surprised that a tea-bagger couldn't get out of a locked truck?

  • hilbillyheroine

    I am thinking of opening a clinic, with my "sweet tea". It's oklahoma. We have lots of conservatives. If I could just get 1/2 of the people who lock their keys in their gun-racked trucks, I could make MILLIONS. With my sweet tea.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I am intrigued by your "sweet tea", and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

    • Negropolis

      I see what you're doing. If the kindness doesn't kill 'em, contributing to their Type 2 diabetes will. Genius! Bwahahaha!!!

  • tihond

    You heard it here first, medical assessment is the new "wide stance."

    • PristinePantalones

      Was it from a "proctologist," by any chance?

  • Negropolis

    Dubya 2: Electric Bugaloo

  • mavenmaven

    Did he have to list all the free rectal "exams" he got?

  • Negropolis

    There was an old governor who lived in his boots,
    He spewed so much shit and hubris, no one knew quite what to do…

    • DashboardBuddha

      or…

      There was an old governor that lived in a boot
      He was surrounded by browns so he learned how to shoot.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Puppies sell, and putting one next to Perry is your classic lip gloss on a pig.

  • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Hurricane Ali

    I think I'll make this puppy into a boot.

    /alt text fixed

  • HedonismBot

    Designer clothing is an acceptable gift for a politician one supports, and should not be viewed with any special political significance. As I recall, George Dubya Bush received some quality dunce caps from his more prominent admirers. Dick Cheney got some stylish leather hoods and cats-o-nine-tails.

  • Gunner Asch

    I'm tired of shelling out 12 bucks every couple of years for a new pair of Costco sneakers. Won't somebody please start buying them for me?

    • PristinePantalones

      Well, there's your problem, dood. If you were paying $500 a pair for them boots, they'd last longer than two years. Also, people would give them to you for free. (Notice how nobody ever gives us poorz cheap shit for free?)

    • Nothingisamiss

      R U RICH? Are you in congress? Are you mighty famous for being in reality teevee? Then you do not deserve free gifts, my friend.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Well, he gives everyone else the gift of comedy, so quid pro quo.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Blair,

    Have I ever told you how much Iluvu?

    -Sharksterino formerly ChetInAbsentiAtkins

  • hilbillyheroine

    Maricopa Theracopa 501C -3. Cuz only Jesus can cure your of your racial, ethnic, and gay phobias. Jesus can stop all those tax dollars, too.

  • Crank_Tango

    Wow, he sure likes prostate exams.

    • Rotundo_

      Most folks get squirrelly with just a finger, this one asked for the whole hand and moaned and purred when it was up him. I just guess Texans do everything bigger….

  • x111e7thst

    So will BofA want Perry to wear the boots with the Presidential Seal along with the garter belt and stockings for their private sessions?

  • DashboardBuddha

    While here in New Hampster, RP told a kid who asked a question about the teaching of evolution. RP basically said that in Texas, they teach both and folks can make up their own minds.

    ahem…

    YOU CANNOT "MAKE UP YOUR MIND" ABOUT FACTS!

    • flamingpdog

      That was not intended to be a "make up your mind" statement.

    • Negropolis

      In Rick Perry's America you can, that's for sure.

      I like how Melissa Harris Perry said on MSNBC, last morning, that she should got home and teach her daughter that 2 + 2 = 4 & 6 and let her decide which is correct. lol

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Yes, he said that and he's wrong. There is no teaching of creationism, not here, not there.

    • DahBoner

      "in Texas, they teach both and folks can make up their own minds."

      Yup, every Texan should take an elevator to the highest building around and then jump off.

      After all, gravity is "just a theory" and every Texan should "make up their own mind" about the validity of that theory.

      JUMP, TEXANS, JUMP!!!!

  • mumbly_joe

    In Rick Perry's defense, though, 2010 was after Obamacare passed, which means those two tests BOTH COULD HAVE KILLED HIM.

  • Beowoof

    When you throw as much shit as this guy the need for boots seems obvious.

    • Nothingisamiss

      #WINNING

  • mayor_quimby

    Are my eyes messed up, or is there something fucking wrong with that puppy. It looks like he has rear wing flaps, WTF?

    • finallyhappy

      I thought the puppy was wearing a cape(because Perry likes his superhero dogs) but it is actually Perry''s shirt – as yoou ahve probably figured out in the 19 hours since you posted

  • AJWjr.

    RUN, PUPPY!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    It isn't the boots that cause the swagger… it's the chafing. It's what happens when you rub an asshole the wrong way.

  • Troglodeity

    Santorum was right after all. First gay marriage, and now this picture.

  • Robman2

    OK, the as in THE boot maker is Lucchese in EPT, so the second rate Governor (The LT actually manages the State) hasn't driven far enough west it seems, but in EPT, there are way too many Mezicans. OF course we do not know, which boots besides the Rock have landed on the Austin runways O' fashion.

    Another odd fact, I believe the dome in the state building, is still lined with tinfoil left over from Dubya's reign, could splain' a few things..

  • flamingpdog

    ♫ Rick's boots are made for wankin'. ♫

  • Nostrildamus

    Those "medical assessments" are just Marcus Bachmann with a tape measure.

  • Left_Leftie

    Fort Worth auto dealer Roger Williams, who Perry appointed Secretary of State = Heck of Job Brownie.
    Texas sucks sorry, it just does.

  • Negropolis

    If you want a picture of a Rick Perry presidency, my friends, imagine a cowboy boot stamping on a human face — forever.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      nice reference

      • Negropolis

        Perry disgusts me to a degree that even Dubya couldn't when he first ran. There doesn't seem to be anything authentic or even well-meaning about Perry. Nothing. He just reeks of prideful, arrogant ignorance all the way down.

        • DahBoner

          "He just reeks of prideful, arrogant ignorance all the way down."

          In other words, just a regular Texan..

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Checkers!

  • zhubajie

    Medical tests for what? VD?

    • DahBoner

      "Antibiotic resistant gonorrhea."

      It's what all the young kids are medical testing for…

  • Ancient_Hacker

    I wonder how many of those medial tests involved someone checking out his prostate, form the inside?

    I do NOT want to see the Youtube video of this.

  • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

    I will join the millions who are ready to cheerfully adopt that poor puppy in order to save it from certain DinglePerrian doom (and Mutual Assured Domination).

  • Warpde

    “I said ‘I’ve already started your boots with the presidential seal on them,’” said Carroll. “So he can wear them and break them in.”
    Hey Carrol.
    Don't forget to make em lose enough to slip in some sheep legs.
    Bah…ha..ha…ha…ha!

  • ttommyunger

    Gosh, what a couple of cuties. The little one must be a Black Lab, and I'm guessing the big one with all the wrinkles is a Shar Pei. BTW, I couldn't help noticing Governor Fuck-Stick is wearing his wedding band on the inside, behind his Class Ring. Must have been impressed during his Air Farce Days by the Ring-Knockers from Colorado Springs… Doesn't take much to impress some people.

  • peaceshelly

    So Perry gets free healthcare while shitting all over free healthcare…

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    boot him one…

  • DahBoner

    Does anyone know why cowboy boots always have heels?

  • dahboner

    Shit, Perry has already tried the quack treatment of taking stem cells out of his fat and injecting them into his back.

    Hey Rick!

    Don’t let them Doctors, with their fancy education and book learnin’ tell YOU what to do.

    Ya better get started on this latest treatment

  • DahBoner

    Shit, Perry has already tried the quack treatment of taking stem cells out of his fat and injecting them into his back.

    Hey Rick!

    Don't let them Doctors, with their fancy education and book learnin' tell YOU what to do.

    Ya better get started on this latest treatment

  • http://writechic.wordpress.com/ writechic

    What! No ear herpes? Lame.

  • DaRooster

    His boots have more horse shit on the inside than they could ever have out.