Bank of America Exec Whispers To Rick Perry: ‘We’ll Help You Out’ (VIDEO)

Criminal mortgage-fraud syndicate Bank of America announced today that it’s laying off another 10,000 workers. Also, BofA has been caught employing a military contractor to conduct “cyber war” against business journalists reporting on Bank of America’s constant crimes. What else has BofA been up to, other than having a 50% plunge in stock value this year that is destroying the pension funds and 401ks of millions of relatively innocent Americans? Here’s some BofA douche (is that a toupee?) whispering tenderly to Texan corporate clown Rick Perry. What’s he promising?

All this guy says is that he’s a Bank of America executive, and “we’ll help you out.” Maybe if Rick Perry becomes president, he can do the same kind of corporate crony handout of millions/billions in taxpayer dollars to giant, needy corporations that he’s done as governor of Texas?! And maybe Rick Perry would do more of this than Obama and Bush? Because how much has BofA already sucked out of America in the TARP I and TARP II schemes? $45 billion? $100 billion? It is hard to keep track of such confusing numbers!

The important thing is that BofA executives aren’t getting enough billions, in bonuses and corporate jets and smooth Puerto Rican houseboys. Rick Perry to the rescue! (Also, idiot BofA executives: Those big cameras and boom microphones that say “CSPAN”? Those make talky pictures go to the teevees on the YouTubes.)

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. Tommmcatt

    Sweet, hot, steamy, sticky LURVE for the Risckster! Yeah, BOA, whisper to me about the money! Tell me how high those bonds are rated…ohh yeah, baby, get them to rate them higher, higher, harder, OOOH!

  2. SorosBot

    So the criminals at Bank of America are borrowing criminal tactics from their friends at Fox "News". Lovely.

    1. jus_wonderin

      That is true. Just wait, if it happens (and I pray it won't) when an R get the WH back they won't give a damn about spending and deficits.

    2. V572 T-Blow

      Damn, those were the days! Who said that? Oh yeah, Cheney. Wonder how he feels about it now.

      1. comrad_darkness

        Reagan: deficits don't matter, Clinton: Deficits bad; Bush II: Deficits don't matter.
        The last three go 'rounds of republican rhetoric don't clinch it for you?

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    Dude wasn't talking about a quid pro quo. He was just letting him know he'd help him finance that jet ski Rick's been looking at. Such a cynical crew here!

    1. johnnyzhivago

      A JetSki??? A Texan would rather wear a rainbow teashirt in a New York gay bar than be seen on a JetSki. They were OBVIOUSLY talking about a truck. Where else is Perry supposed to hang his nuts?

  4. skoalrebel

    Rick Perry loves America, just like all true patriots. [spit!].
    The Bank of America is America's bank, obviously.
    Therefore, all true patriots must love the Bank of America.

    Stop the hate, libtards! [spit!] You must assume the position and feel the love, the love of America and its Bank.

    1. LettucePrey

      My brother works for BofA. However, his job is safe because he works in loan modifications, wringing impossible subprime mortgage payments out of teh poors. Is there no greater patriotism than that?

    2. PristinePantalones

      That last sentence was … just not hate-filled and foamy enough, skoalrebel. Could you try again?

    3. BlueStateLibel

      Actually, Bank of America is Eye-Talian…From Wikipedia: "Bank of Amerca's history dates to 1904, when Amadeo Giannini founded the Bank of Italy in San Francisco to cater to immigrants who were denied service from other banks. Amadeo was raised by the Fava/Stanghellini family when his father was shot while trying to collect on a $10.00 debt."

  5. Mapmonger

    Has anyone tried feeding that guy's mug into Facebook, to see if it gets auto-tagged? I want to know who that clown is, so we can all point and laugh at his nakedness and shame. Because you know we'll find it there.

    1. Urban_Achiever

      The executive is James Mahoney, the bank's director of public policy. (per thestreet.com)
      Have at it, Mapmonger!

      1. dr_giraud

        Aw shit, now the poor guy will get tons of harassing calls. . . . From Bachmann, Romney, and any other Rethug candidate looking for some sweet BofA action.

  6. Callyson

    But in what form will the help arrive? Money, chicks, blow? Come on, BofA, be specific here…

    1. poncho_pilot

      four colly birds, three french hens, two pairs of nylon stockings, one combination miniature Russian phrase book and Bible, and a large quantity of the powdered black meat of the giant aquatic Brazilian centipede.

    2. mayor_quimby

      I think he meant announcing 10,000 layoffs today, what a bunch of fuckery!
      'We wouldn't want to help the economy by hiring folks, ricky boy!'

  7. BlueStateLibel

    And BofA's military contractor launches drone on Ken Layne in 1, 2, 3, … and I come back later and see my dear Wonkette illegally shut down and foreclosed on.

    1. Negropolis

      Silly, they'll never find Ken's secret bunker under the floor of the Mojave Desert. Damn! I've said too much..

  8. prommie

    I wonderr if he will change his name before the Rickster appoints him Secretary of the Treasury?

  9. V572 T-Blow

    As nounverb911 points out, Bank of America used to be Bank of Italy, founded by A P Giannini. (Oh, and that awful insurance company Transamerica who built the world's ugliest skyscraper in SF and used to fuck my employees out of their 401[k]s, used to be part of BofA too, until the late, lamented Glass-Steagel Act made them cough up the life insurance and brokerage business.) When they were just the biggest bank in CA, they were pure evil. Now, having swallowed two other abject failures (Countrywide and Merrill Lynch) they threaten the continued existence of our economy/are too big to fail! Thank Jeebus Bush-style government by catastrophe didn't end on Inauguration Day 2009!

    1. Radiotherapy®

      V, thanks for the corporate capitalism crash course. Couple that with the posted video and I'll be dejected for the rest of the day.

      1. V572 T-Blow

        I'm here to serve. And by the way, as Mozart said, believing oligarchy and shitting capitalism are two very different things.

    2. KotBR

      Don't forget that they also ate up credit card/personal finance vampire MBNA back in the mid-2000s. Who needs regulations?

      1. V572 T-Blow

        Plus the big NC bank that they “merged” with in ’88 or so, whose name escapes me. And don’t forget that Visa was their invention.

        1. bikerlaureate

          '88? Were you referring to NationsBank eating 'em up…?

          Hmmm. Security Pacific didn't fall until '92.

      2. AJWjr.

        Yeah. I had a motley fool card underwritten by MBNA, which was nice. when BofA eated them, I dropped it due to past ugliness visited upon me by BofA.

  10. elviouslyqueer

    (Also, idiot BofA executives: Those big cameras and boom microphones that say “CSPAN”? Those make talky pictures go to the teevees on the YouTubes.)

    "Gotcha media" explanation rollout in 3…2…1…

    1. Giveusabob

      I actually see nothing wrong with the behavior of Mr. BoA Loud-Mouth here, and I do hope he carries on under more CSPAN booms.

      1. V572 T-Blow

        I have a dash in my screen name because I know their MS-DOS 3.1-based software can't handle it.

    1. bagofmice

      It's like I was thinking about a plate, or shrimp. It's all part of a cosmic unconsciousness.

  11. Barb

    I'm hoping that the Bank of America is going to help Rick get some student loans to go back to college and try a little harder.

    1. flamingpdog

      Marcus can go back to school, too, and get a real PhD, the two of them can room together at the frat house, and they can try a little "harder" together. Also.

      1. Barb

        Did you see where Michele was going around and calling herself "Doctor Bachmann?"
        Bachmann received a J.D. — the standard law school degree — from Oral Roberts University, and an LL.M. in tax law from William & Mary in 1988. The LL.M. does count as a postdoctoral degree, as Bachmann says, because it came after she had received a "terminal degree" — that is, a degree that can't be directly improved upon. But while J.D. (juris doctor) has the word "doctor" in it, it is not accepted practice for J.D.'s to refer to themselves as "Dr."

        1. SorosBot

          Speaking as a lawyer, the only lawyers I've known who've used the title "Dr." do so because they also have an MD or PhD. That's just ridiculous.

          1. nonbeliever7

            My wife earns more than me so I guess that makes me a trophy husband. Thank you Gloria Steinem.

          2. finallyhappy

            I earned more than my husband when I worked and my pension is a good deal more than his social security. Oh, I am now a volunteer 4 days a week.

        2. flamingpdog

          If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. And as a doctor, Michele would definitely be a quack.

        3. Geminisunmars

          My husband received an honorary degree, and he turns bright red (from embarassment) whenever anyone insists on calling him Dr. Geminisunmars.

  12. V572 T-Blow

    I guess it's also possible that by "We'll help ya out," he meant, "We'll put you in a subprime mortgage with a time-bomb attached."

    1. PristinePantalones

      The minute they announced they were buying Countrywide, I pulled all my money out. I last banked with BofA some 20+ years ago, and they were the most atrocious bloodsuckers I have ever had the displeasure of doing business with.

  13. CapnFatback

    Perhaps the nice bank man is rushing off to call Wildlife Control to help Perry out from under the mangy animal that has been perched upon his head.

    1. comrad_darkness

      There aren't any limits on contributions in Texas, so they aren't even "bribes" just "business"

  14. metamarcisf

    It's Perry's position that sound economic theory should be taught right alongside creationism in public schools so that students can make up their own minds.

  15. OC_Surf_Serf

    Ok, I get it now…Banker help good, while ACORN help is treason…

    (Welcome back, Mr Layne…)

    1. flamingpdog

      Dude, I didn't even notice this was a Ken Layne Post until you mentioned it. Usually I'm too depressed to comment after reading a post from the Great One.

  16. Lucidamente1

    To paraphrase Ronnie, "The ten most terrifying words in the English language are 'I'm from Bank of America and we'll help you out.'"

    1. widestanceshakedown

      Well, that and the porn business (actually, that was not a huge money maker for him, so Big Jeebis will give him a pass).

      1. PuckStopsHere

        Perry bought land on LBJ Lake? Johnson is spinning in his grave at about 500 rpm right now, would be my guess. Say what you what about his disastrous war in Vietnam, Lyndon Johnson–unlike Gov. Goodhair–gave a damn about poor people.

  17. x111e7thst

    If Rick Perry's Texas manages to secede and become the Republic of FuckTardistan will BofA change its name?

    1. flamingpdog

      What makes you think we are going to get to keep the name "America" when Texas secedes? It'll be the only real Americans doing the seceding.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Your post was so dry that my LCD monitor is now looking a little peaked.

      Right on the money, though, for this compassionate anticonservative.

    2. GOPCrusher

      That is one major disappointment from the 2008 Crash. All of these "too big to fail" banks should have been nationalized, torn apart into little pieces and then sold off. From the S&L Scandal, over 1000 people were convicted, so far 8 people have been convicted for their roles in the Housing Bubble Crash.

      1. comrad_darkness

        No fucking shit, they should have. We have been sold so far down the river we're paddling by hand out in the oil slick gulf.

  18. Fox n Fiends

    This video alone should send every conspiracy-loving one world government anti-elitist conservative into a frothing TEA-rage, but it won't.

    1. genxr

      Teatards learned long ago, how to tell the difference between job creators and one world government / multinational banking conspiracies.

      Job creators = us
      Conspiracy = them

      See how simple that is.

  19. baconzgood

    NAH!!!! I won't believe that ANY politician would cozy up to buisness for $$$$$. Obama would never do that….(Tee-Hee).

  20. flamingpdog

    "Bank of America, we'll help you out."

    Stupid CSPAN boom microphone dropped the last word – "yourself".

  21. JoshuaNorton

    If A. P. Giannini knew what would be happening to his bank, he would have probably let the whole thing go up in smoke in the SF earthquake of 1906. He saved the Bank's deposits and records by sneaking them out of town in a fruit wagon just before the building went up in flames.

    He wouldn't have hired this current gang of crooks to clean the spitoons in the lobby.

    1. comrad_darkness

      I read somewhere that most of the fires were set by people who realized their insurance covered that and not earthquake damage.

  22. BarackMyWorld

    Oh, big deal…a friendly banker offering to help out a successful potential customer! Why I went to a bank just the other day and they offered to help me out!

    Ok, I'll admit I was in the bank lobby and not at a presidential campaign event…and I'm not running for office…and we weren't in a crowded room full of other people glad-handing me…

  23. ProgressiveInga

    Just in case you (who are not eaten up w/ cynicism like me) thought that everyone is appalled by this behavior, here are a few comments from lucianne.com reporting on this story:
    "This is tremendous news – and THIS early on too !!"
    "Great news! Next step, cancel all those branch contracts with CNN and sign on with Fox News Channel."
    "Yeah, let's hope this is a trend setter. Liberal boycott of BoA to follow."

    1. comrad_darkness

      Um, one of the headlines there is "Obama rocks dad jeans again". Lucianne is like the Onion for the humorless or something?

  24. DaRooster

    "Politics & Eggs?"
    Ewww… that sounds worse than Shit on a shingle… which is probably more like what it really is.

    1. Rotundo_

      There was a bar in Madison WI that did "Smut and Eggs" on Sunday mornings if memory serves, and they just popped VHS tapes of people humping into the VCR and served up breakfast. I think that would be in better taste and more productive (unless of course you're a grifting political hack and a bidnessman wanting to purchase such).

  25. BarackMyWorld

    Based on the single dumb comment on youtube so far:

    I'm sure that will be a tremendous loss to them. He should only take money from corrupt unions and foreign nations like Barry.

    ….the conservative defense will be from the "obama iz corrupt cux unions and china" playbook.

  26. Dumbedup

    where's the funny in this, again? I can only muster a sad chortle over such gross and blatant corruption.

  27. peaceshelly

    When does that douche Hot Tub Tom DeLay go to jail??? He was cozy with Rick Perry at one time…wonder if they….you know…in the hot tub!??

    1. flamingpdog

      Please, Wonketeers, there is a brain bleach shortage currently here in the Square State. Please refrain from brain-scalding comments like this until the shortage is over. Thank you.

    2. OhNoGuy

      When you see a name like Tom Delay and start thinking about the "good old days" you realize just how bad it is.

  28. fantum

    Why I will vote for Obama…

    – I hate America!
    – Working is too hard.
    – Thinking is way too hard.
    – I am 26, sponging off my mom, and I want free Health Care.
    – Freedom of speech is fine as long as I am not offended by it.
    – I want government to tax your earnings and give me things I want.
    – If I knock-up my girlfriend I want government to pay her to kïll the baby.
    – We need to raise taxes on business… Gee… Why do things cost so much?
    – Murdering helpless babies is ok as long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
    – All business profits should be redistributed… Gee… Where are all the jobs?
    – Pouring water on a terrorist's face is horrible, but kïllïng a baby in the womb is good.
    – I want government to give Mexicans free health care and education at your expense.
    – I want government to take over industry and apply the efficiency of the US Post Office.
    – Global Warming is a fact, even if those same scientists can't tell the weather for next week.

    How Can an American President Be so Anti-American? http://usataxpayer.org/vids.asp?A=42112207

    Ask that clueless, dope smoking, little marxist wart… WHERE ARE THE JOBS?

    1. SorosBot

      Jar Jar Binks first appears in The Phantom Menace as a bumbling Gungan from the planet Naboo. After his tribe banishes him for his clumsiness, he is nearly killed by a federation transport, only to be saved at the last minute by Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). The Jedi persuade Jar Jar's tribe to release him to their custody as a guide. He later goes with the Jedi and Queen Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) to the planet Tatooine, where he meets and befriends Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd).

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Ask that clueless, dope smoking, little marxist wart… WHERE ARE THE JOBS?

      Well, I keep asking John Boehner this, but for some reason he won't respond to my emails.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Try adding the proper title of Mr. Speaker or Speaker as in "Speaker clueless, dope smoking, little marxist wart… WHERE ARE THE JOBS?"

        I find a little respect goes a long way.

    3. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Gosh. When you put it that way I can clearly see the liberal tree hugging tax and spend error of my ways. I’m gonna buy me a gun and shoot a coyote, get me a Palin Drill Baby Drill bumper sticker to put on my made in China Hummer, divorce my wife while I secretly troll for underage boys on the internet, cheat on my taxes, vote 100% Republican without researching any of the candidates, join a Megachurch that tells me Jesus hates queers, gain 156lbs, move to Texas, get another gun, buy a Rush Limbaugh tie for an obscene amount of money, get stupider by watching FOX News 24 hours a day and order me Ronald Reagan calendar for next year! Thanks Fandum!

      Also! I will ask anyone who disagrees with me why they hate America cause it makes me sound so superior.

    4. comrad_darkness

      >- All business profits should be redistributed… Gee… Where are all the jobs?

      Jesus. Seriously.

      Reagan era, CEO pay was 50 to 1 over average worker salary and the marginal tax rate was 50 fucking percent. 50.
      Marginal tax rate is 35% and CEO pay is 300 to 1. Blood sucking CEOs are draining the jobs and life blood out of the economy.

      You are a tool of the rich. Hope you are abandoned with your face eaten off by an MRSA you caught from the 70% of raw pork infected with it and die horribly in an unfunded clinic in a seedy stripmall. You totally deserve it because that's what you are arguing is best for the country.

      Yeah I'm a treasonous bastard because I think Americans deserve better.

    1. SorosBot

      The first Wheelie is a young Autobot who turns into a car. He has a distinctive style of speech, in which he rhymes his sentences while speaking in a high pitched voice, making him sound like a child. A young Autobot, Wheelie's function is listed as "survivalist". He despises the Quintessons and their Sharkticon minions, but only fights when he has no alternative.[2]

    2. DashboardBuddha

      You know those meds you keep forgetting to take? Now would be a good time to climb up from mom's basement, get a glass of water, and get back on the regimen.

    3. GunToting[Redacted]

      Yay!!! The trolls have returned. I thought we were getting close to the time of their migration, but the time just snuck up on me.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Yeah me too. A lot of public schools have started the fall semester in this part of the country.

        1. SorosBot

          What part of the country is that? I've never heard of schools (besides colleges) starting before Labor Day.

    4. mayor_quimby

      I have always loved performance art.
      Is JÄCKÄSS some sort of new slur from a foreign land, like macaca?

  29. DashboardBuddha

    Rick: I bet you folks will want a blow job though.
    Banker: Don't be silly. We just want to ass fuck your wife while you watch.
    Rick: That might a tough sell to the missus. How about I deliver the souls of every living American making under $100k.
    Banker – Done and Done!

  30. DashboardBuddha

    If this doesn't get some kind of traction in the media I fear that all is lost with the US.

  31. GortRay

    Perry has the Bank of Plutocratica whispering in one ear and Jeebus in the other. He can't lose! He's a new Bush for the new era of insanity that's about to come down on us like a hot lava tsunami.

  32. SheriffRoscoe

    Ken, can we get out the banhammer? It's not any fun when the trolls spam us all the fuck up with off-topic, unoriginal, unfunny, cut and pasted nonsense bullshit.

    1. SorosBot

      Our old antisemitic conspiracy theorist NaderPaulKucinichGravel (now shortened to "NadePaulKuciGravMcKi") is also back today, and I hadn't seen him in these parts in a long time. It's old-school day.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      Ken +1…New troll? I'm afraid he doesn't meet the standards for trollery we have seen here in the past. His sauce is weak.

  33. fantum

    Laura Ingraham – Tax Cheat Smackdown!

    Charlie Rangel (D-NY) "Most Corrupt Democrat"

    Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) Recently received the coveted (by Democrats) "Most Corrupt Democrat" recognition by Human Events. Rangel got caught cheating on his taxes by under reporting his net worth. These issues and more are currently before the House Ethics Committee for investigation while Rangel continues to serve as Chairman of the tax-writing House Ways and Means Committee. Rangel also made the Judicial Watch Ten Most Corrupt Politicians list. Rangel continues to present himself as a moral leader for the bl*ck community.

    The Corrupt Black Caucus

    1. SorosBot

      Mel first appears in the serial Terror of the Vervoids, part of the 14-part story The Trial of a Time Lord. At this point, she and the Sixth Doctor have been travelling together for some time. The events of Vervoids are shown as part of a Matrix projection of future events being shown by the Sixth Doctor to the court, so from his point of view, he is seeing an adventure he will have with Mel even before he meets her in his own timeline. At the end of Trial, the Sixth Doctor leaves with this future Mel, presumably to drop her off somewhere, meet her past self for the first time (from her point of view), and then carry on from there. (This scenario is portrayed by The Trial of a Time Lord screenwriters Pip and Jane Baker in their novelisationThe Ultimate Foe.)

    2. flamingpdog

      Damn, troll, if I want to be bored to death, I'll just watch a video of T-Paws speeches on the YouTuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

    3. El Pinche

      So let me summarize what you're saying "Rangel is a nigger. nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger . nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger. Fantum hates niggers. "
      Fuck off racist.

    4. GOPCrusher

      Isn't Laura Ingraham the Family Values Bitch that has the pictures of her hoohaw all over the Internet?

  34. metamarcisf

    When he's elected next year, Ricky Parry wants to change the constitution seven ways. My favourite is that a Supreme Court decision can be overturned by a 2/3 vote in congress. What better way to send the Citizens United decision into the ash heap of history?

  35. donner_froh

    A chamber spokesman characterized the proposal as “abhorrent.”

    Actually the proposal that the Chamber of Commerce found abhorrent was to raise the minimum wage by a penny an hour.

  36. prommie

    It sure is getting pretty open these days, isn't it? Thats, umm, thats an improvement, I guess. Politicians should wear patches from their sponsors, like in NASCAR, all their big contributors should have to give them a nice patch with their logo, and the pols should always have to wear their sponsors' logos; they would look just like a bunch of race car drivers. Covered from head to toe with their owners' advertisements.

    1. AJWjr.

      New rule: If the congresscritter gets big contributions from the same corporate donor two sessions in a row, they must make the union permanent with the corporate logo tattooed on their body in addition to the patch.

  37. hilbillyheroine

    From the WSJ online:

    Update: Bank of America spokesman Lawrence Di Rita responds:

    “Bank of America does not endorse Presidential candidates. The reference was about following up on the substance of his speech about job creation and economic growth. Discussing policy issues that affect our company and our customers is something we do with policymakers of both parties routinely at the local, state, and Federal levels.

    I guess he was just offerin' to write up some LAWS. Nothing to see here, move along.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Considering how poorly Rickie did in Skool, he'll probably welcome all the help he can get doing his homework.

      1. comrad_darkness

        They gotta cut. They are totally bankrupt, financially AND morally. Surprised it took so long. Honestly, I'm hoping they flip belly up and combust while the teatards are fucking over congress. Imagine a real fucking bank failure. Maybe we can get Glass Steagall back again after the resulting ash heap burns out a few hundred congressional districts.

        'Scuse me, I gotta stock up on more popcorn just thinking about it.

    1. Rotundo_

      The money people are still self aware enough to know that it doesn't look good to be buying politicians openly. I don't imagine this will last much longer, but there are still a few flecks of awareness clinging to them. Next election cycle they'll start up with the four foot wide prop "checks" with a couple million written out to the candidate with "For future services rendered." in the memo. And the signature of the CEO emblazoned in ten inch tall script just proud as hell for the purchase.

    1. mayor_quimby

      You sure/ma'am are a fuckin' American hero.
      In the words of the late, great comedian Robin Harris "Fuck em! Fuck em with a AIDS infected dildo!"

  38. gullywompr

    Vested interest united ties, landed gentry rationalize
    Look who bought the myth, by jingo, buy America

  39. ttommyunger

    Never saw a dog that didn't understand a man with a stick in his hand.
    Never met a hooker that didn't understand a man with a hard dick.
    Never heard of a politician who didn't understand a man with a pocketful of money.

  40. BZ1

    of course, you know that Bank of America was started by the Mafia to launder money. you didn't, well if they weren't in cohoots with criminals then, they are now…

Comments are closed.