grovel harder

Joe Biden Smooths China Relations With Joke About How They Own U.S.

he worked on these jokes the whole plane ride over!The White House sent official court jester Joe Biden for a visit with U.S. corporate parent company China to do a little self-deprecating diplomacy dance routine for China’s annoyed rulers to convince them the wayward middle management in Congress won’t sink their investments. Richard Nixon used to just be able to mail a few ping-pong players to Beijing and get a nice “we’re cool now” note from the head office, which actually still sounds like a better idea than mailing Joe Biden to Beijing, but here we are. Now, in 2011: “You ARE national affairs,” Biden quipped to Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping. What other hilarious jokes does Joe Biden have for China? 

From Reuters:

After on a stroll up the red carpet, Biden found a familiar face during introductions to the Chinese delegation.

“Remember what I told you last time: if I had hair like yours I’d be president,” the 68-year-old VP with a well-groomed but receding silver hairline said.

BA-DA BING! We feel so sorry for the translators who had to work these events. And then:

“I used to have an important job when I was chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee,” Biden told Wu. “I had a big office, large staff. Then I became vice president.”

Members of the press pool speculated that joke, at least, may have been lost in translation.

Our favorite:

Biden apologized to members of the Chinese delegation who had to listen to him speak “again and again and again.”

Dude, China, even we cannot get Joe Biden to apologize for that. We can pretty much guess who is the new favorite. [Reuters]

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  1. SorosBot

    Maybe he should have brought along a laugh track so the Chinese officials would know when he was joking.

  2. Tommmcatt

    Members of the press pool speculated that joke, at least, may have been lost in translation.

    Joe should be informed that most of his jokes don't translate all that well into English, either.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    On the scale of VP gaffes that's small. It's not like he shot someone in the face or pushed the country into a pointless unnecessary war because he's a chickenshit/hawk warmonger that had five deferments and had a major conflict of interest or anything.

    1. Barb

      True, at least Biden can travel other countries freely without fear of being arrested for war crimes.

    2. slithytoves

      It's not like he threw up in someone's lap… so he's even ahead of presidential behavior. Low standards, I know.

    3. BlueStateLibel

      Reminds me of the Onion story where the entire nation is horrified because Joe Biden makes a major gaffe by sneezing in a meeting.


      True, but you reminded me of this bumper sticker I saw here in TX (where else?):
      I'd Rather Go Hunting With Dick Cheney, Than Go Riding With Ted Kennedy.

    5. PristinePantalones

      Or, unlike our esteemed Dear Leader of previous erection, tried to drag Hu Jintao offstage by his sleeve (the look Hu bestowed upon Shrubya was priceless); publicly assaulted Angela Merkel at a meeting; caroled out an ally's name with a mouthful of bread; addressed a member of one ethnic group in the language of another, distinct ethnic group; or any of the other daily blunders we enjoyed under that regime.

      1. Negropolis

        I really hate that the media put the primary blame where it belongs. The only American reporter there, though, wasn't afraid to call it. I can't but help to think if the team had a lot of white players we'd have seen people screaming about how vicious the Chinese were to their All-American boys.

    1. PristinePantalones

      That was Lynn Cheney's enduring dream. Luckily, Dick's double-fisted grasp on power slipped before that happened.

    2. zhubajie

      You can be sure that they are all used to white-haired senile old men who think they are important, funny, something.

  4. Mumbletypeg

    From reuters:

    By noon the next day tens of thousands had weighed in on the lunch, many admiring the careful choreography to show how wisely Americans spend their money

    And then the Vice President broke into a soft-shoe, snapping his fingers like Sinatra while crooning, "the won ton's connected to the [*snap*] Canton…"

    1. Negropolis

      I was thinking something a bit more low-brow, like You Got Served. This is Biden we're talking about.

  5. fantum

    Walking Eagle

    Barack Obama gave a lecture to the American Indian Nation in upstate New York.

    He spoke for almost an hour, he was most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

    At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle." Obama proudly departed in his motorcade to the next fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

    A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the name "Walking Eagle."

    They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.


    1. Barb

      Wow, you cut, copy and paste jokes? Here's one for you:
      Knock, knock
      who's there?
      Go fuck off, troll!

        1. OneDollarJuana

          But they don't, because a good sense of humor relies on intelligence, irony, self-deprecation (which relies on recognizing and admitting one's faults), and awareness of reality. And a good sense of humor isn't cruel.

      1. mavenmaven

        That's conservatism for you. If a stupid idea was good enough for grandpa, its good enough for 'Merka.

    2. Limeylizzie

      Oh good grief, you are the least funny troll we've had around this parts in a coon's age. I have no idea why I am talking like Andy Devine.

        1. Gunner Asch

          Agis: Let me remind you of reality, Meg. You’re a filthy tramp that I fished out of the gutter because you look like Xena and Diana. You’re useful to me only if you’re a convincing thespian.
          Meg: You never said nothing about no kinky stuff. Besides, I pulled it off so far today.

    3. SorosBot

      Olivia Kendall (Raven-Symoné), is Denise Huxtable's precocious stepdaughter, who is three years old when she first appears in the series. Olivia is the only child of Martin and Paula Kendall. After a few years of marriage, her parents divorced, and her mother, Paula, gave Martin full custody, as she felt overwhelmed by marriage and motherhood. Olivia was then raised by her grandparents and father.

      1. MissTaken

        Wow, you went to BreitBart? I'm so, so, sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to ease the pain.

        1. SorosBot

          Just to fantum's comments history. That's also one of the quickest troll-bannings I've ever seen; probably because it was just off-topic copy and pasted nonsense, and he didn't even respond to our thwackings of his nonsense.

    4. MissTaken


      Cheez Whiz is a thick processed cheese sauce or spread sold by Kraft Foods. It was developed by a team led by food scientist Edwin Traisman (1915–2007) and was first marketed in 1953.[1]

      The bright orange, viscous paste usually comes in a glass jar and is used as a topping for celery, cheesesteaks, corn chips, hot dogs and other foods. It is marketed in Canada, México, United Kingdom, the Philippines, the United States and Venezuela.

      Cheez Whiz is one of a number of "processed cheese foods", a category including some types of individually-wrapped cheese slices. These products contain regular cheese that has been reprocessed along with additional ingredients such as emulsifiers and stabilizing agents, such as xanthan gum or carrageenan. These products derive their tanginess and flavor from additional ingredients such as citric acid and flavoring compounds. Annatto is used for coloring.

      In some markets, the product has been sold in a narrow jar that tapered towards the base when sold as a spread. When Cheez Whiz is advertised as a dip or a sauce, the jars are larger and more of a squat cylindrical shape.

      Products include:

      Cheez Whiz
      Cheez Whiz Light
      Cheez Whiz Tex Mex
      Salsa Con Queso
      Cheez Whiz Italia

      Cheez Whiz can also be found in "Handi Snacks" products such as Ritz Cheez Whiz 'n' Crackers in Canada.

      Cheez Whiz was reformulated in the early 21st Century. The new formula is used for Cheez Whiz Light (15.5 oz) as well as the Original Big Cheese (15 oz). The products' jars were also widened to allow dipping.

    5. MozakiBlocks

      Did you know that Mike Nesmith's (The Monkees) mother invented Liquid Paper?

      I mean if you're going to sniff it all day long, you may want to know it's background.

      Just sayin'

    6. GOPCrusher

      What? When are we going to see the old Yahoo favorite, "I jacked off into a liberal's salad".
      That one always cracked me up.

    7. Negropolis

      This got six up-fists. Anyone here want to apologize for premature up-fisting? I assure that you will be forgiven.

    8. PristinePantalones

      That joke's so old, I first heard it when Reagan took office. Sheesh, that's what, 31 years ago.

    9. MonsterAGoGo

      The moon is an egg. Inside is a monster. He owns a detective agency. A flower told me so.

  6. widestanceshakedown

    He slayed them with classics like

    "Have you ever seen a dollar walking OUT of a Chinese restaurant?"
    "We borrow a trillion and a half hour later, we're broke again."
    "Sorry, Barack would not let me bring Bo along."

      1. widestanceshakedown

        "Lemme tell ya about OUR blood, bamboo kids,
        it ain't CocaCola, it's rice"

        I'm going straight to hell, boy.

  7. fuflans

    it's funny when you think of biden being a joke for the democrats and then you think of the republican field for president and then it's really not funny at all anymore.

    1. Negropolis

      It's funny that Joe Biden would still be less gaffe-prone than any of the Republican presidential candidates.

      I have new-found respect for the guy's debate performance with Sarah Palin. He had to be thinking the entire time "I can't believe I have to be on the same stage as her." lol

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    I think Joe must have served as inspiration for Bruno Kirby's character in Good Morning Vietnam.

  9. randcoolcatdaddy

    Okay … now imagine Vice President Bachmann going on a trip to China …

    Okay … scratch that … don't try to think about that before you have a good stiff drink….

      1. Limeylizzie

        He's the best, just a good man. I think Hopey is also a really good man, he is just being pulled every which way and I think it's having an effect on him, I hope his vacation really helps him get his shit together and he comes out swinging in September.

    1. MozakiBlocks

      My father, who hated ALL politicans, loved him specfically because he says the stuff that the rest of us only think.

    2. Negropolis

      This is an endearing post about the guy, not some attack on him. Joe serves us well for what he is.

  10. nappyduggs

    Surely it has been said before, but it bears repeating: If Our Lady of the Busted Vagina were the veep, this type of thing would not be anywhere near as charming.

    1. Negropolis

      You're still here?

      Ron Paul blows mule NUTS. Ron Paul is a busted Barry Goldwater. Ron Paul has horrible children. Ron Paul isn't going to be, nor deserves to be, president.

      Now, why don't you eagerly await the coming of the blimp, which is coming from the dark side of the moon to take you away.

  11. facehead

    "Hey Yo! I'm meeting so many Wangs here I feel like a Hong Kong prostitute! Zing! Woah, mama-san, you looking good tonight, I'm having a rebellion in my boxers! After this wine and government cheese, somebody take me to the Peking Zoo, I gotta see that great fucking duck I'm always hearing about!"

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Do you remember when the United States was powerful enough to just throw up on the Chinese, or to toast them after they had slaughtered their own citizens? Now we are reduced to this.

  13. baconzgood

    Shut the fuck up JOE! Let's get some of those Georgetown kids to show those chinks how we roll!!!!! S'up? S'UP!!!!? WE GOTTA PROBLEM? OH SHIT KNEEGROW….WE GOT A PROBLEM NOW MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!

    1. flamingpdog

      How dare he ask her questions about things she "wrote" in her book? Makes you wonder is she's even read her book.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Does she honestly believe that she will be seen as the victim here?
      Never mind. Dumb question.

      1. PristinePantalones

        Unless Slate's been infiltrated by libunatics, the commenters there are giving her a serious ass-kicking, so, no, I don't think her victim schtick will fly this time.

  14. metamarcisf

    Why isn't Biden being blamed for the basket-brawl that erupted between the Hoyas and the Chinese Military Death Squad team?

    1. prommie

      I just cannot stand ordering miso soup; the urge to ask for some "miso horny" soup is absolutely overwhelming.

  15. BlueStateLibel

    I like the way the Chinese always wildly translate English into whatever they want, so we might wind up with: “Remember what I told you last time: if I had hair like yours I’d be president." = "Recall when I was dictator, your hair would be like mine, silver but sparse."

    1. CapeClod

      I read an article about how the Chinese translate titles of American movies. "Kindergarten Cop" became "Devil King of Children." For "The Shawshank Redemption" they simply threw up their hands and called it "Excitement!: 1995."

  16. x111e7thst

    So exciting this Biden. No wonder there were fisticuffs between officials and reporters at his speech. It's just surprising that panties were not thrown as well.

  17. prommie

    Joe Biden and the Georgetown basketball team, whats going on here? These are acts of aggression; congress didn't authorize a war.

  18. poncho_pilot

    "man! i just flew in from America and boy are my arms tired! but don't let me catch one of you hiding in my briefcase. i'm not talking about those kinds of arms!

    on a long flight like that you're always Wonton to Taiwan on, if you know what i mean.

    i mean, i wanted a drink.

    tough crowd.

    but seriously folks, it was a long flight. you might say it was torture! but you guys would know more about that than me!


    now the previous administration? they really were into that torture thing. we thought about changing Dick Cheney's name to Dick Chinese. but good luck if you expect all of the classified documents on that to ever get released. talk about the Great Wall!"

  19. Callyson

    The Chinese may have been hoping to get a bitchin' Camaro. Or at least get a ride in Joe's bitchin' Camaro…

  20. MLHencken

    "Whose ass do I have to kiss to get some chow mein and a couple of egg rolls around here? And get me some fuckin' egg rolls. The Vice President is HON-GRAY! "

  21. BarackMyWorld

    I'm sorry, but what percentage of the 1/4 of the national debt owned by foreigners do Chinese investors have again?

    We joke around, but there are legitimate ignoramuses that genuinely think Obama gets a loan from the Chinese government to finance the budget deficit every year.

  22. AJWjr.

    Anderson Cooper peed his pants tittering so hard about the VP being our Number Two. Because poop is always funny.

  23. ttommyunger

    Joe's dear Mother spent way too much time watching Phil Silvers when she was carrying little Joe. Google it, youngsters.

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