haters gotta make a buck

Arizona Sheriff Being Sued by Obama Learns Obama Birth Certificate a Fake

he'll take your donations now, plz.Arizona teabagger king Sheriff Joe Arpaio is a vindictive racist gopher accused of misspending $99 million in public funds in the free time he does not spend playing William Tell with the illegal immigrants he captures and stores in what he affectionately calls his desert “concentration camps,” all of which might leave an average hater stretched pretty thin. But according to some breaking birther news spamming our inbox, Arpaio has been “forced” to use his (TAXPAYER-FUNDED) office to open an investigation into Barack Obama’s birth certificate, which is “within his jurisdiction” because he is also being sued by the Obama Justice Department. 

WorldNetDaily has all the exciting nonsense details:

At the request of tea party leaders in Arizona, famed Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has promised to investigate the validity of Barack Obama’s purported long-form birth certificate in a determination of the president’s eligibility for the county’s 2012 election ballot.

Tea party leaders in Surprise, Ariz., met with Arpaio and WND senior reporter Jerome Corsi Thursday morning to express concern that a fake birth certificate would be used to document the president’s eligibility to run in Maricopa County, where Arpaio is the chief law enforcement officer.

Arpaio told the tea party leaders the complaint is within his jurisdiction, and he will be forced to investigate. He said he expects political pressure, but he pointed out that as the chief law enforcement officer of Maricopa County, he’s taken an oath to respond to citizens who approach him about enforcing the law.

Blah blah, Joe Arpaio may have also used some of the misspent public funds to launch fruitless investigations against his political enemies in the state for ordering him to quit torturing all of the brown people he could lay his hands on. You want to stop Joe Arpaio’s criminally insane taxpayer-funded torture fetish fiesta, do you? He will ENFORCE THE LAW ON YOUR ASS. [WorldNetDaily]

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  1. nounverb911

    Where's Arpaio's birth certificate? (BTW, my sister and her moronic husband live in Surprise).

        1. PristinePantalones

          Neither does "Tancredo," but did you see what that guy did? Tancredo being so brown and all, I was praying from day one that some bunch of armed govt. (ICE) thugs would grab his ass and drive it across the border. Visions of the schmuck trying to hitchhike back from Tijuana would keep me so very happy of nights.

          1. V572 T-Blow

            Indeed, Tucson’s nice. Had dinner at the Arizona Inn a few months ago. Bisbee’s pretty cool too, in a tourist-town sort of way.

          2. Jukesgrrl

            Love the AZ Inn. We took my mother there for her birthday a few weeks ago. BTW, love your latest avatar and signature. (I loathe that guy.)

          3. V572 T-Blow

            Hengngnh, us geezers love those slow-paced old hotels. The avatar is in honor of the steroid-fuelled mutant jousting season now beginning.

    1. subsum

      "Arpaio," huh? Too many vowels together, including one at the end. Doesn't sound like a "real" American to me. He's probably a closeted Mexican who hates Mexicans to cure himself from his Mexicanness.

        1. HistoriCat

          Hey – we're neighbors! I'm just over the way in Despair. We should get together for coffee some time.

          1. Limeylizzie

            Sometimes I wish all of us like-minded Wonketteers could get together, it would be the thing I truly love the most…laughing through pain and tears.

          2. HistoriCat

            It would either be the greatest party evah or a huge disappointment. How many of us could live up to our online facades?

            Full disclosure – I am nowhere near as good-looking as my avatar implies.

          3. Limeylizzie

            Well, clearly I couldn't, I have talked such sexytime, big-bosomed filth that I would find it impossible to live up to myself.

          4. HistoriCat

            Oh I don't believe that! You and Barb were the two people I thought were most likely to meet expectations.

          5. Limeylizzie

            I agree with you on Barb, I bet she is a tall, lanky jeans-wearing kind of gal.Super sassy! I am pretty much as described on the pages of Wonkette, I have no edit.

          6. Swampgas_Man

            I'm waaaay out east in Bewilderment. Isn't Arpaio that bad-ass Texas sherriff from the old commercials? "Boy, you in a heap o' trouble!"

          7. HistoriCat

            Leave Texas out of this – the state has enough embarrassing assholes without importing any from Arizona. He's AZ's self-created problem, let them own it.

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        Maybe Arpaio can buy that little house on the corner of Wrong Hole Drive and Prison Buddies Lane.

    2. VulcanHasNoMoon

      "Where's Arpaio's birth certificate?"

      Arpaio was adopted. During that time, I think adoptees were issued new birth certificates with his adoptive parents names on it. His original birth certificate with his birth parents name's on it probably no longer exists.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Seriously, and it's about time someone looked into this supposed "Barack Obama" birth sertifikate! Why hasn't anyone done this yet?

    1. poncho_pilot

      when it was just someone's grandmother knitting an Afghan for a wedding present. well, if it's my grandma. stop hanging out with Joe Arpaio, grandma.

    2. Negropolis

      And, since they already have drones over the border, the logistics wouldn't be difficult, at all.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    He's enforcing the law of diminishing returns. Happy investigating, you totalitarian quack.

    1. Negropolis

      Hey, he needs something to do before he's brought up on charges and sent to federal prison, doesn't he? Might as well go out with a bang; well, this is really more like a whimper.

      Really, this couldn't have happened to a better guy. No sheriff of a major county in America has been so flagrant in their flipping off of the law.

    1. MLHencken

      That's it! This is just Orly bait, because Sheriff Joe wants to have forced surprise buttsechs with her.

      Actually, I am thinking he would probably prefer pegging.

  3. Barb

    I wonder what happened to that "very, very, very, surprising" stuff Trump's goons found in Hawaii? I guess we'll find out during the season opener of The Apprentice.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      It was very, very, very, surprising to Trump that the birth certificate was totally legit – hence the silence.

    2. genxr

      "Hello, Mr Trump? It's your hired goons. Yeah, we're in Hawaii, got checked into a nice hotel. Look, we found some very, very surprising stuff. I can't say too much now, but we'll need to stay at least another three weeks and increase our expense account. Yeah, I got it, money is no object. Don't worry, Mr Trump, we'll get to the bottom of this."

      1. prommie

        Oh, rest assured, Trump might have promised to pay them, but then he stiffed them. Its the Art of the Deal.

        1. V572 T-Blow

          The Art of the Deal:

          "So, is dis Atlantic City Restaurant Supply? Got yer invoice heah for $560.87 for some shrimps. How bout I pay ya $300 and we call it square. No? Okay, how bout if I nevah pay ya — duzzat sound better?….Yeah, try and sue me, ha ha ha! I'm judgment proof, asshole!"

  4. MLHencken

    Apparently this is the highest level government official they can find who is willing to treat birtherism as something other than total crackpot bullshit.

      1. poncho_pilot

        when asked how she felt about the validity of Obama's Birth Certificate she replied, "i'm running for president!"

  5. SorosBot

    If he's supposed to be enforcing the law, than why hasn't Joe Arpaio arrested Maricopa County's greatest lawbreaker, Joe Arpaio? It would be easy for him to do.

  6. metamarcisf

    Sheriff Joe is just doing his duty but he can't do it alone. The investigators he is retaining to help out are the same detectives O.J. hired to find his ex-wife's killer(s).

  7. bureaucrap

    We want to see the "Even Longer Long Form" Birth Certificate! The one that's required for Kenyan-American babies! Hawaii was supposed to issue a special birth certificate just for them! Until we see that one, he's not American!

  8. freakishlywrong

    I'm through with the "tea party" and "tea party leaders". These are nothing but far right, religious wingnuts who are old, voted for Dubya twice and needed to rebrand due to his shitty presidency. They're not a party, I used to like tea, call em' what they are; ERWNS. Evangelical Right Wing Nuts. Or..Republicans.

    1. genxr

      I'm tired of every time a "tea party leader" gets caught holding a racist sign or saying something stupid, they all say "we're the tea party! we don't have any leaders"

    2. Ducksworthy

      What they are is insane anarcho-capitalists on welfare (ie Medicare and Social Secruity) IACOW's

    3. GOPCrusher

      Just don't call them terrorists.

      But seriously, I'm glad they dropped that whole "grassroots movement" meme. Nobody believed it anyway.

    1. SorosBot

      Now, come on; Bull Connor was a racist who hated black people; Joe Arpaio is a racist who hates Mexicans. Totally different.

        1. V572 T-Blow

          Gotta stick up for Bull here — if there'd been any Mexicans around Birmingham in his time, he would have hated them, beat them up, sicced the dogs on them, whatever….

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        It's about efficiency… There are far more Messicans in Maricopa than the nigras, so Joe gets more done with less.

  9. Fare la Volpe

    In Joe's defense, he couldn't keep his books straight because he was so busy investigating that Reichstag fire.

    1. Negropolis

      LOL @ "investigating that Reichstag fire."

      Silly, Volpe. The fascists don't investigate Reichstag fires. Are you calling Sheriff Joe a commie?

  10. DaSandman

    Could we just have a nationall reality based moment and call the Teabaggers what they are. The Crazy White Racists Scooter Trash Party.

    1. bureaucrap

      You forgot "Fundamentalist Christian." Apparently 99.7 of the teabaggers are "Dominionists." You'll remember better once they put you (and me) in one of their "Sweet Mercifcul Jesus (TM)" for-profit concentration camps.

    2. Boojum_Reborn

      CWRSTP sounds Russian, so Socialist, which is Fascist, therefore liberal, i.e., the same as Black. So, this is Obama's party?

      Politics is easy with a chalkboard.

    1. Negropolis

      Yeah, it's just east of Misery, Arizona, which is currently under the rule of 4-star General Malaise.

  11. ThundercatHo

    If there is any justice in the cosmos this guy's personal hell will feature pink underwear and a nasty tent baking in the infernal heat.

  12. baconzgood

    Why isn't he trying to catch H.I. McDunnough? I hear he stole that Huffhines baby, you know… that Nathen JR.

    1. MLHencken

      Good idea. Can't we just move this one over to the 'win' column for them and let them keep Barry off the ballot. He's not going to need the vote(s).

      1. flamingpdog

        The people that like Barry can write in his name on the ballot. And the people that don't, probably can't write their own name.

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, if Obama's birth is subject to the jurisdiction of Arizona, and Obama was born in Kenya, then Kenya must be under the jurisdiction of Arizona…., which means that Kenya is under the jurisdiction of the United States, so it must be a part of the United States, so Obama must be an American Citizen.

    Ha, the 'baggers defeated by their own logic!

    1. Ramon X

      And if she weighs the same as a duck, then logically she's made of wood and is therefore a witch!

  14. Mumbletypeg

    It seems Arpaio's circus act engenders publicity maneuvers verging out of the ordinary and into the sublime — someone help me determine whether this story is part of a farcical news establishment, or do goings-on around Maricopa Co. really resemble a virtual goat rodeo of freak acts?

    The blog's layout is so garish and the story headlines so absurd I honestly can't tell if it's satire or real.

    ETA: well having now visited more than one linked story above I see KBJ's 2nd link directs me to the same news blog. It appears loaded with good tales of the bizarre but my eyes still hurt from all the red font overkill.

    1. Negropolis

      Sheriff Joe Arpaio seemed disappointed that his top PR flack Lisa Allen didn't make good on the MCSO's promise, asking her, "I thought he could have anything he wanted?"

      "We're not gonna go to Ruth's Crist," Allen answered the sheriff.

      Ha, ha. What a bitch. Keep fuckin' that chicken, Maricopa.

  15. DemonicRage

    This was land stolen from the Native Americans, wasn't it? And they care so much about where people were born there…what kind of documents they have on file? The whole place was bought for some glass beads and whiskey–deals made with the barrel of a rifle pointed at the bow-and-arrow crowd.

  16. DashboardBuddha

    Unbelievable. I just take some comfort in knowing that had John McCain had won, these folks would be making the same fuss about his being born in Panama…right?

  17. Wilcoxyz

    As I recall, we bought southern Arizona from Mexico. But I haven't seen the receipt. So Joe's probably Mexican, right?

    1. kissawookiee

      Ah, that's only the bits south of the Gila River. Joe probably regrets that purchase more than anyone, because it's keeping him from being a Genuine Border Sheriff who could see the dang fence from his front porch.

      1. SexySmurf

        I love how these people are such fucking sheep they can't even right their own comments; they just link to other idiots' ramblings.

        1. SorosBot

          Though I know it's a typo, saying they are unable to right their own comments seems strangely appropriate.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      The Queen Of England is a Lizard Alien from outer space. I saw that on your website once, too lol.

    2. Nostrildamus

      Christ, man. Can't you find a picture that makes the black guy look scarier than that? You're not really trying. Why not photoshop in a shiv or a syringe?

    3. SorosBot

      Yes, duh. But I see from your posts over at Breitbart's site that you're a creationist, so obvious you are a moron with experience denying basic proven facts.

    4. Limeylizzie

      Fantum-Say would that stand for Fat American Numbskull Taitz-loving Ugly Moron? Thought so, just a guess.

    5. fantum


      DemocRAT loons are squawking and flapping around in outrage, gnashing teeth, spitting blood, heads exploding, charges, accusations, finger-pointing, Bush did it, Boehner did it, Palin did it, Fox did it, racists, tea-baggers, stupid voters, hungry babies, dying old folks, and on and on ad nauseam…

      DemocRATS controlled Congress and had their way for 6 years, HANDING OUT TREATS to gain worthless Obama voters at taxpayer expense. Now, while most DemocRATS are throwing a tantrum, at least some are realizing the Liver Lip Liar is selling ALL Americans down the river.

      Abandon our allies, support our enemies, ignore our security, degrade our military, increase racial tensions, weaken our economy, encourage the invasion from Mexico and place huge, unsustainable debit on American taxpayers. Every day he is in office, Obama degrades America further!

      How pathetic it is to watch Obama, the arrogant, self-centered, little wart twist, turn, lie and blame everyone but himself for his failure as he continues to stir the pot. NOT pathetic for Obama but for the American fools who elected him. Obama laughs at them while they still swoon over his every lie, marching lockstep on their way to servitude and Socialism.

      How Can an American President Be so Anti-American? http://usataxpayer.org/vids.asp?A=42112207


      1. Cicada

        And furthermore:

        The human botfly occasionally uses humans as the host to its larvae. The larva, because of its spines, can pose an extremely painful sub-epidermal condition. Removal processes include placing raw meat on to the area, which in theory will coax the larva out.[citation needed] Another option is to use the tree sap of the matatorsalo, found in Costa Rica, which is reputed to kill the larva, yet leave its body in the skin[7]. In Costa Rica, the term "fantum" is used to describe the pus-filled chancre caused by bot fly related infections. Additionally, one can attempt to seal the breathing hole of the larva with nail polish or vaseline and then, after a day, squeeze out the suffocated, dead larva[8]. Use of adhesive tape can work, but carries additional risk of infection because portions of the larva's breathing tube can be broken off by the tape and make the remainder of the body difficult to remove.
        Dissected head of a deer showing bot fly larvae
        [edit] Uses by humans

        In cold climates supporting reindeer or caribou-reliant populations, large quantities of Hypoderma tarandi (warble fly) maggots are available to human populations during the butchery of animals. These are relished in modern times by some as important seasonal luxuries containing high levels of protein, fats and salt.[citation needed]

      2. Troglodeity

        Obama's the "Liver Lip Liar"? Wow, it's just impossible for you guys to hide your racism, isn't it? Thanks for playing.

    1. SexySmurf

      I've forwarded your comment to master Soros. The black helicopter will be arriving soon to pick you up.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Make it a Chinook chopper…my guess is that this bloated hover-rounder could over tax a regular helicopter. That is of course, they can get him out of mama's basement.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky Rivers and seas boiling!
      Forty years of darkness!
      Earthquakes, volcanoes…The dead rising from the grave!
      Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria!!!

    3. SheriffRoscoe

      106 year old grandmother gives birth to Siamese twins, who popped out of the womb 8 months late, playing gypsy cymbals. It's true! I read it on your website!

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Seriously…who'da thunk that there would be a "news organization" that made the National Enquirer seem reasoned and honest?

    4. BornInATrailer

      I only had to click back 4 pages on your comments before I got a serious contact high. Trippy!

      1. Limeylizzie

        You need psychiatric help, not just for being a Teabagger, although that would be a start, but you sound mentally ill and your grammar is appalling.

    5. fantum


      DemocRAT loons are squawking and flapping around in outrage, gnashing teeth, spitting blood, heads exploding, charges, accusations, finger-pointing, Bush did it, Boehner did it, Palin did it, Fox did it, racists, tea-baggers, stupid voters, hungry babies, dying old folks, and on and on ad nauseam…

      DemocRATS controlled Congress and had their way for 6 years, HANDING OUT TREATS to gain worthless Obama voters at taxpayer expense. Now, while most DemocRATS are throwing a tantrum, at least some are realizing the Liver Lip Liar is selling ALL Americans down the river.

      Abandon our allies, support our enemies, ignore our security, degrade our military, increase racial tensions, weaken our economy, encourage the invasion from Mexico and place huge, unsustainable debit on American taxpayers. Every day he is in office, Obama degrades America further!

      How pathetic it is to watch Obama, the arrogant, self-centered, little wart twist, turn, lie and blame everyone but himself for his failure as he continues to stir the pot. NOT pathetic for Obama but for the American fools who elected him. Obama laughs at them while they still swoon over his every lie, marching lockstep on their way to servitude and Socialism.

      How Can an American President Be so Anti-American? http://usataxpayer.org/vids.asp?A=42112207


      1. SorosBot

        2011-2007 = 6? Someone needs to brush up on their math skills (besides just Rick Perry). And those are some nice unfounded accusations; do you have some evidence to back it up?

      2. Cicada

        Clinical presentation in humans

        How myiasis affects the human body depends on where the larvae are located. Larvae may infect necrotic (dead) or living tissue in various sites: the skin, eyes, ears, stomach and intestinal tract, or in genitourinary sites.[5] They may invade open wounds and lesions or unbroken skin. Fantum is a maggot filled lesion who masturbates to furry porn. Some enter the body through the nose or ears. Larvae or eggs can reach the stomach or intestines if they are swallowed with food and cause gastric or intestinal myiasis.[2]

      3. MozakiBlocks

        DEMOCRATS is sooo 2000. If you'd called us "Communist, Socialist, Kenyan-loving Marixst, Muslin, abortion-loving, gay-marrying Facists", then I would have been offended.

        By the way, Alex Castellanos called. He's going to sue you for copyright infringement.

      4. fuflans

        i do not quite follow your conclusion that we should be wearing bags on our heads.

        other than that though, very well reasoned arguments. certainly, you have convinced me.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Well, since it IS clearly racist, that means that it was written by a liberal infiltrator.

      5. MLHencken

        Johnson is best known for his work on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, an American television series (1967–1973), on which he played various characters including "Wolfgang", a smoking World War II German soldier scouting the show from behind a bush (still fighting the war) invariably commenting on the preceding sketch with the catchphrase "Very interesting…" followed by either a comic observation or misinterpretation, or simply "but stupid!" Johnson indicated later that the phrase came from Desperate Journey, a 1942 World War II film with Errol Flynn and Ronald Reagan playing Royal Air Force pilots shot down in Nazi Germany; they managed to cross much of the country without speaking German or knowing the territory but, when captured, their Nazi interrogator doubts their story with the phrase.[2] Johnson reprised the role while voicing the Nazi-inspired character Virman Vunderbarr on an episode of Justice League Unlimited.
        His other iconic Laugh-In character was "Tyrone F. Horneigh" (the last name pronounced "horn-eye" – a "clean" variant of the vulgar term "horny"), the white-haired, trenchcoat-wearing "dirty old man" who repeatedly sought to seduce "Gladys Ormphby" (Ruth Buzzi's brown-clad 'spinster' character) on a park bench. Tyrone would enter the scene, muttering a song (usually "In the Merry, Merry Month of May",) and, spying Gladys on the bench, would sit next to her. He would ask two related 'leading questions,' each earning him a hard whack from a shocked Gladys using her purse. His third statement would be an appeal for medical assistance, at which time he would fall off the bench. Some examples:
        Tyrone: "You want to go to my place, and see where I sleep?" [WHACK!]
        Tyrone: "You want to go to your place, and see where you sleep?" [WHACK!]
        Tyrone: "You mind if I go to sleep right here?" [moans and falls off bench]
        Tyrone: "You want to play Post Office?" [WHACK!]
        Tyrone: "You want to play Spin the Bottle?" [WHACK!]
        Tyrone: "You want to play Doctor?" [moans and falls off bench]
        Two 'non-medical' examples:
        Tyrone: "You want to play moongotcha?
        Gladys: "What's 'moongotcha'?"
        Tyrone: [Pointing upwards] "See the moon?" [While Gladys is looking up, he grabs her knee] "GOTCHA!" [WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!]

      6. MonsterAGoGo

        So all democrats share one head? And we all together should wear one bag over it? By the way, pickle robot cat air conditioner mini electric beer shoes. Also, door trashcan chair tree brick on the potato sign respect Czechoslovakia.

    6. glamourdammerung

      fantum 126p · 55 minutes ago
      CAUTION! DO NOT ENTER! Unless you want to have a little fun :)

      This site is chock full of wussy little Liberals all massaging each other's egos and praising Obama, Soros, et al.

      It is an Intense Debate site, so if you visit be sure to be polite otherwise they will fly into a rage and fill your email with very nasty comments :)

      Do you know why I do not tell people to go to Big Failure and shitpost like you and the morons there tell folks to do here?

      Because I have better things to do than whine and cry in impotent rage, go to a site, act like an ass, then cry about being banned "for no reason".

    7. SorosBot

      Cousin Oliver stays with the Brady family during the last six episodes of the fifth and final season of The Brady Bunch. As explained in the episode "Welcome Aboard" from season five, Carol's brother Jack and his wife Pauline are traveling to an archaeological dig in South America, and because their son Oliver is unable to accompany them, he is sent to live with the Bradys. Cousin Oliver was played by actor Robbie Rist.

      Cousin Oliver was eight years old (Rist was actually nine) and very young in contrast to the other kids, all of whom were twelve or older—an apparent attempt, despite Oliver's precociousness, to restore some of the appeal the series had enjoyed when the other children were younger. Some fans would later call the addition of Cousin Oliver the moment when the series "jumped the shark".[3] Similarly, in The Partridge Family a precocious four-year-old neighbor named Ricky (Ricky Segall) was added for its final season (the same year as the final season of The Brady Bunch). The addition of younger children to sitcoms that seem to have run their course, in an attempt to improve declining ratings, became a television trend popularly known as "Cousin Oliver Syndrome".

    8. GOPCrusher

      Doesn't going to a usataxpayer.org link automatically get you added to the Department of Homeland Security's Terrorist Watch List?

    9. SorosBot

      Elmo is self-described as three-and-a-half years old and characteristically avoids pronouns, referring to himself in the third person (e.g. "Elmo has a question" rather than, "I have a question"). Sesame Street staff writer Nancy Sans once described Elmo's origins: "There was this extra red puppet lying around and the cast would pick him up sometimes and try to create a personality, but nothing seemed to materialize."[citation needed] The puppet was performed by Caroll Spinney in the early 1970s, Brian Muehl from 1979 to 1981, and the late Richard Hunt from 1981 to 1984. Sans continues that "…one day [in 1984], Kevin Clash, a talented puppeteer, raised him up and brought energy and life into Elmo and from that day forward we would all write for Elmo. Kevin's performance inspired the writers to develop Elmo's character".[2] John Tartaglia, Matt Vogel, and Jim Martin have all been secondary performers for the character, providing movement for Elmo's arms and legs, particularly in green-screen shots.

      After becoming a regular guest on The Rosie O'Donnell Show, Elmo began touring the talk-show circuit. He has appeared on Martha Stewart Living and Martha, The Tony Danza Show, Rove Live, Wait Wait…Don't Tell Me!,[3] and The View. Elmo and a developmental expert gave babysitting tips on the June 18, 2005 episode of Teen Kids News. He has also appeared on Emeril Live, helping Emeril make (non-alcoholic) eggnog during a Holiday Special shown in December, 2008. Kevin Clash and Aaron Neville were also guests on this show. On a special episode of Oprah called "The Faces Behind The Famous Names," Kevin Clash and Elmo appeared at the same time.[4]

  18. chascates

    Clearly it's time for a state besides Texas to think of seceding. Arizona would be a wealthy nation once they cease sending tax money to DC, enough to build a mighty wall around its perimeter. The first Western country where everyone carries a gun, can challenge anyone about their origins, and where science takes a backseat to the loudest evangelical!

  19. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    Wow, that site will mess with your mind. Apparently, the big news lately in the olds' AOL boxes is that the White House has never officially released BHO's wedding pictures. Which proves….. um, something untoward.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I think the untoward is that Michelle is now embarrassed by the very Ivana Trumpish dress she was wearing.

  20. owhatever

    Stay with it, Sheriff Joe. We need all the loud-mouth Birthers we can get, so that there is no doubt just how crazy the Republican Party has become.

  21. HelmutNewton

    Those Arizona teabaggers are a bit slow on the uptake, aren't they? I'll bet they start going nuts in 2014 when they realize there's a black man in the White House.

  22. kissawookiee

    When even peroxide-and-possible-stroke-victim Jan Brewer thinks the birfer shit is too crazy to touch with a ten-foot pole, you know it's too crazy. Not sure how Sheriff Joe missed that memo.

  23. GunToting[Redacted]

    One of my hobbies (borrowed from a bandmate) is making up strange AZ town names. Our band is from Shark Attack, AZ. Shark Attack is located just north of Lake Agua Nada, deep in the Hubbub Mountains.

    It's not any more fucking strange than Surprise.

  24. elviouslyqueer

    Sorry, KBJ, but there is no fucking way I'm clicking on the WND linky. No. fucking. way.

    1. AJWjr.

      Not that it matters anymore, because I've been gone over 4 years, but my immediate supervisor at work was able to peruse WND on the office 'puter, but my beloved Wonkette was websensed. The fuck?

    2. SheriffRoscoe

      You go over there and your brain starts turning to sawdust. Yet, you remain a physiologically functioning person.

    1. JustPixelz

      You are so wise. And mysterious. Like an enigma wrapped in a tortilla wrapped in wax paper. The best taco is no taco. WAIT, I'm wrong. The best taco is from Juan's Authentic.

  25. genxr

    The Sheriff has us now. Obama may as well surrender, and spend 30 days in a concentration camp wearing pink underwear before his deportation.

    The only other explanation is that this Sheriff is a dumbfuck racist piece of shit. I guess that question will be settled when this goes to trial.

    1. Beowoof

      I am pretty sure the plan will be to deport him back to Hawaii as baggers aren't quite sure such an exotic location is a real state.

  26. Callyson

    So, they want to check if Obama's birth certificate is finally good enough for them, I mean legitimate, or they'll keep him off the ballot in deep – red Maricopa county?
    Other than the waste of taxpayer resources, I'm not seeing the downside…

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Actually it should be the name of a pasta dish. He is a first-generation American with parents who emigrated to Springfield, MA, from Avellino, Italy. His mother died giving birth to him which perhaps accounts for his lack of empathy.

  27. mavenmaven

    The picture on the WND page is priceless. It could be alternately labeled "Amateur Theatre Night at the Surprise Retirement Home".

  28. Dürers Rhino

    Jesus. I have no snark where this guy is concerned anymore. Why isn't he wearing pink boxer shorts and living in one of his 'concentration camps' yet?

  29. elviouslyqueer

    Awww, I has a sad: Autographed copies of Jerome Corsi's "Where’s the Birth Certificate?" are available only from the WND Superstore

    Jerome, darling, learn from Bristol. You get a much better rate of return from the Wal-Mart remainder bins.

  30. FlipOffResearch

    I swear, these teabaggers have no fear of sounding stupid. I think they actually think saying stupid shit is a badge of honor.

    For instance, I was talking to (yelling at really) this teabagger in the news stand the other day, when he told me that he came over on the Mayflower and built this whole damned country up with his bare hands. What can you say to that? Watch out for the men in white suits with the giant butterfly nets?

    The scary part is that these very same people who say some of the stupidest/craziest shit you're ever going to hear, are the same ones that are most likely to be carrying a gun.

    1. Cicada

      Onchocerciasis (play /ˈɒŋkɵsɜrˈsaɪ.əsɨs/ or /ˈɒŋkɵsɜrˈkaɪ.əsɨs/), also known as river blindness and Robles' disease, is a parasitic disease caused by infection by Onchocerca volvulus, a nematode (roundworm).[1] Onchocerciasis is the world's second-leading infectious cause of blindness.[1] It is not the nematode, but its endosymbiont, Wolbachia pipientis, that causes the severe inflammatory response that leaves many blind.[2] The parasite is transmitted to humans through the bite of a black fly of the genus Simulium. The fantum, or parasitic stage of the larval nematodes spread throughout the body. When the worms die, their Wolbachia symbionts are released, triggering a host immune system response that can cause severe itching, and can destroy optical tissue in the eye.[3]

    2. SorosBot

      (Somehow I missed this one earlier)

      Catelyn and Eddard's elder daughter, Sansa (a POV character) has traditional feminine graces and is a strong believer in the world of chivalry portrayed in stories and songs. She is traditionally beautiful, with high cheekbones, vivid blue eyes, thick red hair and, as she grows up, a tall and graceful figure. She excels at many female leisure activities, including singing, dancing, baking lemoncakes, fashion, and social graces. She has a strained relationship with her sister Arya, whose interests are opposite in many respects and bewildering to Sansa. Her direwolf companion was named Lady.

      When her father Eddard became the Hand of the King, eleven-year old Sansa was delighted at the prospect of life at court in King's Landing, and thrilled to be betrothed to the handsome Prince Joffrey. She adored Joffrey in spite of his violent mood swings. Still trusting those at the royal court to be noble, she unknowingly aided the queen's plot against Eddard. It was only when [SPOILER DELETED] at Joffrey's command that Sansa saw Joffrey for what he really was.

    3. MonsterAGoGo

      Dude, you've got Umlaut Syndrome. Caused by too much heavy metal in your diet. Get a Spïnal Täp. While at the doctor's, be sure to smell the glove.

    4. MonsterAGoGo

      Sadly for Fandumb, if Obama is a wind up monkey he's the one from Skeleton Crew. He keeps coming back no matter how many times you try to get rid of him. He won the election before and he will never ever go away. He will rule your terrified days and nights forever. You will slave away in the shadow of Mt Rushmore carving his face in with your bloodied fingernails, under the whip of Michelle Obama, with only one anusburger a week to feed you. Moo hoo hah hah hah.

    1. Cicada

      Although maggot therapy has been used in the US for the past 80 years, it was approved by the FDA as a “medical device” only in 2004 (along with leeches in the same year).[13] Maggots were the first live organism to be marketed in the US according to FDA regulations, and are approved for treating neuropathic (diabetic) foot ulcers, pressure ulcers, venous stasis ulcers, and traumatic and post-surgical wounds that are unresponsive to conventional therapies. Most doctors agree, Fantum sucks donkey dick. Before this, maggots were being used but were unregulated. Richard Sherman, a doctor in Irvine, CA, is the most well-known maggot therapy advocate and began treating patients with maggots in 1990.[14] He is now the laboratory director of Monarch Labs, the first and only commercial producer of medical grade maggots. This lab has provided maggots and maggot therapy supplies since 1935.[15]

    2. SorosBot

      You know, I've found Cicada's rebuttals fun; I'll join in:

      In the television series Star Trek: The Next Generation, the character of Wesley Crusher first arrived on the Enterprise-D with his mother, soon after Captain Jean-Luc Picard assumed command. Captain Picard was annoyed by Crusher at first, as Picard is uncomfortable around all children, but he comes to realize that Crusher understands many things beyond his age and has inherited his mother's high intelligence.

    1. Cicada

      Body lice frequently lay their eggs on or near the seams of clothing. Body lice must feed on blood and usually only move to the skin to feed. Body lice exist worldwide and infest people of all races. Body lice infestations can spread rapidly under crowded living conditions where hygiene is poor (homeless, refugees, victims of war or natural disasters). In the United States, body lice infestations are rare, typically found mainly in homeless transient populations who do not have access to bathing and regular changes of clean clothes, or amongst the sad pathetic shut-ins who make up World Net Daily readers (ie: fantum). Infestation is unlikely to persist on anyone who bathes regularly and who has at least weekly access to freshly laundered clothing and bedding.

    2. SorosBot

      Kennedy is one of the first three Potential Slayers to arrive in Sunnydale. She comes from a wealthy family in New York City and has at least one sibling, a half-sister. An out lesbian, Kennedy has known about her sexuality since the age of five (commenting that she found out watching Gone with the Wind). Kennedy is immediately interested in having a romantic relationship with Willow when the two meet in the season seven episode, "Bring on the Night".

    3. MonsterAGoGo

      They made a Rush Limbaugh doll but it was too fat to fit on shelves. Luckily the parts were cheap, they just used whoopie cushions full of methane.

  31. fantum

    The Smartest Man in the World

    The airplane was in trouble, the pilot strapped on his parachute, told the 3 remaining passengers there were only 2 parachutes left, then he bailed out.

    The first passenger, Barack Obama, jumped up and announced… "I am the President of the United States, I am the chosen one, and the World needs me." Then he strapped on a parachute, and jumped out leaving George Bush and a Boy Scout.

    President Bush said to the scout… "I have lived a full life and have served my country, I am a Christian and ready to meet God, you take the last parachute."

    The Boy Scout replied, "That's okay Mr. President, there is a parachute for both of us, the smartest man in the world just bailed out with my knapsack."

    More… http://usataxpayer.org/view.asp?Get=obamajokes.as

    1. SorosBot

      Scrappy has a contradicted origin. Originally as shown in the introduction of the series episodes, Scrappy only met his Uncle Scooby after becoming a young pup. But in the December 1980 episode of Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo ("Scrappy's Birthday") depicts Scrappy-Doo's birth at which both Scooby and Shaggy attend. Born at St. Bernard's Hospital to Scooby-Doo's sister Ruby-Doo on December 20, 1979. Scrappy idolizes his uncle Scooby and would often assist Scooby and his friends in solving mysteries (Scrappy saves Scooby several times from monsters when they were looking for the rest of the gang shown). With a highly energetic and brave personality, despite his small size, Scrappy was the exact opposite of his uncle; Scrappy would usually insist on trying to directly fight the various monsters Scooby and his associates encountered and generally have to be dragged away by Scooby. Related to this, one of Scrappy's catchphrases was, "Lemme at 'em! I'll splat 'em!" Another of Scrappy-Doo's catchphrases is, "Ta dadada ta daaa! (imitating a bugle playing "Charge!") Puppy power!", he is also quite strong, capable of smashing down solid rock walls. The character was developed by writer Mark Evanier, who has acknowledged basing his personality largely on that of the Looney Tunes character Henery Hawk.[3]

    2. Cicada


      All triatomine nymph instars and adults are haematophagous and require the stability of a sheltered environment where they aggregate. Most species are associated with wild nesting vertebrates and are named "sylvatic" triatomines. These live in ground burrows with rodents or armadillos, or in tree-dwellings with bats, birds, sloths or opossums. Species who dwell in their mother's basements are called "fantum" and nest in crunchy used Kleenexes. Few species (5%) live in human dwellings or in the surroundings of human houses (peridomicile) in the shelters of domestic animals, these are named "domestic" species. Many sylvatic species are in process of domiciliation ("semidomestic").

      1. widget2011

        All of your replies to this mental midget only feed his twisted sense of self (ego). I doubt he reads any of them at all, as witnessed by the machine gun timing it takes him to put up another post. If he does read (any of them), he would need a dictionary, or a thesaurus, or both. More than likely he just yells upstairs (from the basement, of course), saying Mom, What is a "triatomine nymph" ? I suppose the big question would be "How in the hell does he have a rating of 126p?". My guess is he is either a "double agent" or is adept at identity theft. Please don't feed the lice!

        There is one more possibility though. This is Joe Arpaio's, and Chuk Norris's WND semi-literate quasi-ghostwriter, and full time nit-wit.

        1. Cicada

          He has a 126p rating because he mostly posts on ID sites where people agree with him (see: Breitardia).
          I doubt he's reading these comments at all, and I couldn't give a shit. The point is to reply to absurdity with absurdity. This isn't feeding a troll because there is absolutely no intent to further the argument. If the troll decides to google some obscure entomological terms, while missing the entirely obvious slams tucked within each comment, then HA HA HA HA HA.

          1. widget2011

            Point taken. I think it would be more fun to do a psychological profile.

            1. White male
            2. Between age 30 & 40
            3. Luvs country music
            4. Obese or nearly so
            5. IQ between 75-90

            Awe shit, this just too much fun.

    3. MissTaken

      String Theory

      String theory posits that the electrons and quarks within an atom are not 0-dimensional objects, but 1-dimensional strings. These strings can oscillate, giving the observed particles their flavor, charge, mass and spin. String theories also include objects more general than strings, called branes. The word brane, derived from "membrane", refers to a variety of interrelated objects, such as D-branes, black p-branes and Neveu–Schwarz 5-branes. These are extended objects that are charged sources for differential form generalizations of the vector potential electromagnetic field. These objects are related to one another by a variety of dualities. Black hole-like black p-branes are identified with D-branes, which are endpoints for strings, and this identification is called Gauge-gravity duality. Research on this equivalence has led to new insights on quantum chromodynamics, the fundamental theory of the strong nuclear force.[8][9][10][11] The strings make closed loops unless they encounter D-branes, where they can open up into 1-dimensional lines. The endpoints of the string cannot break off the D-brane, but they can slide around on it.
      Levels of magnification:
      1. Macroscopic level – Matter
      2. Molecular level
      3. Atomic level – Protons, neutrons, and electrons
      4. Subatomic level – Electron
      5. Subatomic level – Quarks
      6. String level

      Since the string theory is widely believed to be a consistent theory of quantum gravity, many hope that it correctly describes our universe, making it a theory of everything. There are known configurations which describe all the observed fundamental forces and matter but with a zero cosmological constant and some new fields.[12] There are other configurations with different values of the cosmological constant, which are metastable but long-lived. This leads many to believe that there is at least one metastable solution which is quantitatively identical with the standard model, with a small cosmological constant, which contains dark matter and a plausible mechanism for cosmic inflation. It is not yet known whether string theory has such a solution, nor how much freedom the theory allows to choose the details.

      The full theory does not yet have a satisfactory definition in all circumstances, since the scattering of strings is most straightforwardly defined by a perturbation theory. The complete quantum mechanics of high dimensional branes is not easily defined, and the behavior of string theory in cosmological settings (time-dependent backgrounds) is not fully worked out. It is also not clear if there is any principle by which string theory selects its vacuum state, the spacetime configuration which determines the properties of our universe (see string theory landscape).

      As is the case for any other quantum theory of gravity, it is widely believed that testing the theory directly would require prohibitively expensive feats of engineering. Although direct experimental testing of string theory involves grand explorations and development in engineering, there are several indirect experiments that may support string theory.

    4. MonsterAGoGo

      So George Bush is really DB Cooper? And did the boy scout get scanned by the TSA for his knife?

    5. mrpuma2u

      Good to know you support recycling fanbum. Last time I heard that joke I fell off my dinosaur and broke my stone underwear.

  32. fantum


    So ObamaRAT and the corrupt DemocRATS can give more to the MOOSLIM RATS!

    Obama Gives 73 Loans to Libyan Banks!
    Obama gives $7.5 Billion to Pakistan!
    Obama gives $400 Million to Palestinians!
    Obama gives Taxpayer $Millions to Afghan Banks!
    Obama gives $23 Million to Kenya for ABORTIONS!
    Obama gives Another $150 Million to Palestinians!
    Obama gives Stimulus Grants to the Müslïm Brotherhood!
    Obama gives $400 Million to the PLO (Palestinian Liberation Organization)

    Check the link for details…

    DemocRATS are on a mission to weaken and collapse America in preparation for rebuilding under Socialism. Abandon our allies, ignore our security, abase our faith, degrade our military, increase racial tensions, weaken our economy, encourage the invasion from Mexico, and place huge unsustainable debit on American taxpayers.

    1. MozakiBlocks

      Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods.

      The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.

    2. SorosBot

      On their seventy-second day on the island, Nikki and Paulo join Locke when he ventures back to the Pearl Station, hoping to communicate with the Others.[8] Paulo returns to the toilet to retrieve the diamonds, storing them in his underwear thereafter. As they leave, the group witnesses Mr. Eko's death and burial not far from The Pearl.[9] Eighty-one days after the crash, Nikki finds out about Paulo hiding the diamonds from her. Furious, she releases a venomous spider on him that causes Paulo to be paralyzed for the next eight hours. As he is entering the state of paralysis, Paulo admits that he only kept the diamonds from her because he thought that she would leave him after she got them. To Nikki's dismay, the death of the venomous spider only attracted more spiders which bite Nikki, so she is also temporarily paralyzed. The pair are mistaken for dead after being discovered by the survivors. Nikki and Paulo are then buried alive by James "Sawyer" Ford and Hugo "Hurley" Reyes after tossing the diamonds in the grave with them as they consider them to be of no value on the island.[7] Much later, Miles Straume − a psychic who can read peoples thoughts from their time of death − indicates that he knows about the diamonds.[10]

    3. MissTaken

      Fire Extinguisher

      A fire extinguisher is an active fire protection device used to extinguish or control small fires, often in emergency situations. It is not intended for use on an out-of-control fire, such as one which has reached the ceiling, endangers the user (i.e., no escape route, smoke, explosion hazard, etc.), or otherwise requires the expertise of a fire department. Typically, a fire extinguisher consists of a hand-held cylindrical pressure vessel containing an agent which can be discharged to extinguish a fire.

      In the United States, fire extinguishers, in all buildings other than houses, are generally required to be serviced and inspected by a Fire Protection service company at least annually. Some jurisdictions require more frequent service for fire extinguishers. The servicer places a tag on the extinguisher to indicate the type of service performed (annual inspection, recharge, new fire extinguisher) and when.

      There are two main types of fire extinguishers: stored pressure and cartridge-operated. In stored pressure units, the expellant is stored in the same chamber as the firefighting agent itself. Depending on the agent used, different propellants are used. With dry chemical extinguishers, nitrogen is typically used; water and foam extinguishers typically use air. Stored pressure fire extinguishers are the most common type. Cartridge-operated extinguishers contain the expellant gas in a separate cartridge that is punctured prior to discharge, exposing the propellant to the extinguishing agent. This type is not as common, used primarily in areas such as industrial facilities, where they receive higher-than-average use. They have the advantage of simple and prompt recharge, allowing an operator to discharge the extinguisher, recharge it, and return to the fire in a reasonable amount of time. Unlike stored pressure types, these extinguishers use compressed carbon dioxide instead of nitrogen, although nitrogen cartridges are used on low temperature (-60 rated) models. Cartridge operated extinguishers are available in dry chemical and dry powder types in the US and in water, wetting agent, foam, dry chemical (classes ABC and BC), and dry powder (class D) types in the rest of the world.

      Fire extinguishers are further divided into handheld and cart-mounted, also called wheeled extinguishers. Handheld extinguishers weigh from 0.5 to 14 kilograms (1 to 30 pounds), and are hence, easily portable by hand. Cart-mounted units typically weigh 23+ kilograms (50+ pounds). These wheeled models are most commonly found at construction sites, airport runways, heliports, as well as docks and marinas.

  33. AntonovBureau

    Clearly his brother the investigator will need first class tickets to investigate in Hawaii for a couple months. I doubt he'll go to Kenya.

    1. glamourdammerung

      The nonsense they are cutting and pasting would have to be in all caps for that to happen. Nothing like being called a bunch of sheep by the cut and paste artists at Big Failure, who are over here trolling because they were told to. Too bad they are too stupid to realize how goofy that is and how bad it should make them feel about themselves.

    2. fuflans

      i think he's kinda sweet. cutting and pasting and being all phantom and stealth like with his nonsense.

    3. GOPCrusher

      Meh. tl;dr
      Besides I would just as soon not have the Department of Homeland Security keeping track on my purchases of fertilizer and diesel fuel for having my IP address logged as going to a terrorist website.

  34. Troglodeity

    Hey, Sheriff Joe Arpaihole: I have it on good authority that Rick Perry is the spawn of a ferret and a toupee, so he's constitutionally ineligible to be the President. Sorry you'll now be "forced" to expend taxpayer dollars investigating this claim, but I'm sure you'll do a great job.

  35. SilverTsunami

    This story has everything; a corrupt sheriff right out of a David Lynch movie, Jerome Corsi, misappropriated $$$ and a town named Surprise.

  36. a_pink_poodle

    Sometimes you really got to admire the stubbornness and determination of the Birthers. It don't matter if you took them back in time with George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and John Hancock to witness Obama's birth itself in Hawaii and have all three of them say that he is indeed a native born citizen, they'll have the drive to figure out if Hawaii is a legitimate state!

  37. widget2011

    This guy is worse than Barney Fife, why in the world would you give him a badge, let alone a gun with real bullets (as opposed to Barney's single bullet). “within his jurisdiction” my fucking ass, hillbilly teatard dumbfucking podunk moran.

  38. ttommyunger

    Sheriff Joe R. Piehole would buttfuck a weasel if he thought it would get his name in the paper.

  39. JamesGBorden

    AMERICAN PATRIOTS' MOVEMENT OF AMERICA fully supports this legal proceeding to bring Barack Hussein Obama II to justice for submitting a forged Certificate of Birth before the American people.
    Barack Hussein Obama II was not born in America and is nothing more than a foreign born muslim terrorist trying to destroy the United States of America.
    The truth of Obama's fake Certificate of Birth must be revealed before the American people because Obama is not qualified under the requirements of the United States Constitution to be President of the United States and should be removed from office for being an illegal president.
    James G. Borden
    Newsletter Editor
    National Headquarters
    Hilo, Hawaii 97820

  40. James Michael Curley

    'It is rare when 'The Old Grey Lady' lays things out this clearly;

    "So what do Tea Partiers have in common? They are overwhelmingly white, but even compared to other white Republicans, they had a low regard for immigrants and blacks long before Barack Obama was president, and they still do."

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