RUMORS ON THE TWITTERS  4:52 pm August 17, 2011

Jonathan Alter Launches Chris Christie Presidential Bid For Several Hours

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Jonathan Alter singlehandedly launched fat goblin Chris Christie’s much-awaited fictional presidential bid today, on Twitter, discussed it with himself a while, un-launched it, and then clarified that he only wishes Chris Christie were running for president. Or at least that is what someone told us this says, because we still do not speak Twit. Remember to “start at the bottom, or end there, metaphorically, whatever” when reading.

[Twitter]

 
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{ 84 comments }

ifthethunderdontgetya August 17, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Hey, I hope that fat fuck runs, too.

Or waddles, what evs.
~

prommie August 17, 2011 at 5:08 pm

He'll take the helicopter, thank you. Operation Dumbo Drop.

SexySmurf August 17, 2011 at 4:59 pm

#notintendedtobeactualjournalism

ifthethunderdontgetya August 17, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Ah hah!

I thought this was a special post that only I knew about.
~

Biel_ze_Bubba August 17, 2011 at 6:07 pm

"focus groups that they made seem Christie semi-auhorized"

I realize that it must be hard to deflect blame for a massive and very public fuck-up in 140 characters, but still — does anyone have the slightest clue what this re†ard is saying?

This is the problem with Twitter: it lets morons share their ideas with the world, long before those ideas can be hammered into actual coherent thoughts.

not that Dewey August 18, 2011 at 1:58 am

Can you even begin to parse that? I was trying to riff on it down below, and I had to go back and reread it like 6 times.

Negropolis August 18, 2011 at 2:12 am

Or at least #notintendedtobefactualjournalism

ifthethunderdontgetya August 17, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Two months after the September 11 attacks, Alter wrote an article for Newsweek called "Time to think about torture" which became one of his best known articles.

Stating that "some torture clearly works," he suggested the nation should "keep an open mind about certain measures to fight terrorism, like court-sanctioned psychological interrogation," and consider transferring some prisoners to other countries with less stringent rules on torture.

I've got an idea, let's send Alter and Christie to the CIA's sekrit torture prison in Mogadishu.
~

Radiotherapy® August 17, 2011 at 5:33 pm

They're both enhanced assholes.

mavenmaven August 17, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I hope Alter was wearing a back brace when he launched Christie.

MLHencken August 17, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Launch all Christies!

nappyduggs August 17, 2011 at 5:02 pm

"Wide Support"
Really, man. Word choice.

Limeylizzie August 17, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Ok that comment made me snigger like a 14 year old schoolgirl.

nappyduggs August 17, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Oh! You said the "sn" word!

Limeylizzie August 17, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Oh No! We English would never say or do anything even slightly racist.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9H71gPtRSgs&feature=related

nappyduggs August 17, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Those bounders! You know what, though? Their blackface reminds me of the Cadbury biscuits my auntie used to bring us every xmas. So not all bad then!

Callyson August 17, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Jesus, is this a primary election or a reality show?
Next on "Who Wants to be a Republican Presidential Nominee": yet another attempt to find someone who is not completely repulsive fails…

sj660 August 17, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Yes.

elviouslyqueer August 17, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Remember to “start at the bottom, or end there, whatever”

That's what Rick Perry said.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2011 at 5:44 pm

That's what Marcus Bachmann said.

EatsBabyDingos August 17, 2011 at 5:04 pm

When I forget about my diet, I think of Chris Christie in a tangerine Speedo. Then I barf like a Real Hosewife of Purgeitallia

widestanceshakedown August 17, 2011 at 5:11 pm

A tangerine Speedo? Methinks several hundred stitched together might make him legal, if repulsive, on a beach (provided someone keeps weeping GreenPeace activists from pushing him back out to sea).

BerkeleyBear August 17, 2011 at 5:17 pm

If you think it would take more than one or two, you've never been to a beach with Romanians/Bulgarians/Russians. Spandex really is a wonder material, although some wonders should not see the light of day.

jus_wonderin August 17, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Might it have to be made of carbon fiber????

horsedreamer_1 August 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm

My team on the beach in Romania is memorable for all the naked people. To clarify, naked people under six and over sixty. It was not intended to be a sexualized state.

sj660 August 17, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Come on, I'm still wiping the Perry cream pie off of myself. I have to stretch a minute before I can have another GOP presidential session.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Jonathan Alter should have known better, as Chis Christie has never run for anything other than another donut.

emmelemm August 17, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Ha! He doesn't run for donuts, he takes the helicopter to Krispy Kreme.

BerkeleyBear August 17, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Bullshit. He has a Dunkin Donuts right in his bedroom/vomitorium.

widestanceshakedown August 17, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I thought they were air-dropped by the pallet-load into his mouth.

sj660 August 17, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Alter should have told him about the special white house M&Ms that they make. He'd be all over that.

hagajim August 17, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I always said that Jonathon lives in an Alter(ed) Universe

neiltheblaze August 17, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Why, Christie would be the biggest thing since William Howard Taft.

BerkeleyBear August 17, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Yeah, but Taft was actually in decent shape when he ran for President (I mean, by 1908 standards when a light dinner was not eating the 3rd Porterhouse steak). He was a tall man as well as big, but he could actually walk where he needed to go and threw a mean medicine ball.

According to TR's main biographer, btw, Taft fattened up in office out of depression/unhappiness. He did lose some pounds once out, but that might just have been old age shrinkage.

neiltheblaze August 17, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Today on Wonkette I learned that Chester Allen Arthur came into office a very mistrusted person, and left office an admired figure – and that William Howard Taft was a jock.

i would not have guessed either of those things.

Negropolis August 18, 2011 at 2:21 am

Bathtub libel!

MLHencken August 17, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Alter's plan failed because of its obvious flaw: insufficient supply of Hostess snacks and whole sides of beef.

elviouslyqueer August 17, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Secessionist Traitor/Hypocritical Fat Fuck 2012!

Callyson August 17, 2011 at 5:13 pm

That possibility is so scary/revolting/nauseating, it just might happen…

jus_wonderin August 17, 2011 at 5:12 pm

However, a Chris Christie run could guarantee easy fund raising. No amount of coin could escape his gravitational pull. Think, ripped wallets and quarters being sucked straight out of pockets.

V572 T-Blow August 17, 2011 at 5:15 pm

V572 T-Blow Tim Tebow:
Apparently Obama was NOT actually murdered by a black-clad team of ninja teabaggers at 2:30 this afternoon. My bad.
Two hours ago

not that Dewey August 18, 2011 at 1:56 am

Sources doing own focus groups that they made seem ninjas semi-authorized. Wishful thinking.

Barb August 17, 2011 at 5:21 pm

I wish he would run. I would like revenge on my Jersey buddy for sending me the "Obama sworn in on a Koran" e-mail. I would make up my own "Christie sworn in on a stack of rubens" e-mail.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2011 at 5:46 pm

"Christie sworn in on a stack of maple syrup covered rubens" e-mail.

Fixed.

elviouslyqueer August 17, 2011 at 5:23 pm

But seriously, how does this affect Sarah?

What? Oh, like y'all weren't thinking it too.

Barb August 17, 2011 at 5:26 pm

That bitch thinks that when someone puts on a shitlode of weight that it must be "mono"
We should open our own maternity clothing store in Wasilla called "It Ain't Mono"

Radiotherapy® August 17, 2011 at 5:40 pm

He just says has a "glandular" problem. He can't quit eating.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 17, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Sorry guv, but your stomach is not a "gland".

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 17, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Unless one of Christie's kids has become preggers, her cash cow is safe.

Texan_Bulldog August 17, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Don't call Bristol a cow! (She's a young heifer.)

JoshuaNorton August 17, 2011 at 5:25 pm

he only wishes Chris Christie were running for president

I know the wingnut punditz are bemoaning the lack of a "heavy weight" rightie for their candidate, but I don't think this was the solution they had in mind.

johnnyzhivago August 17, 2011 at 5:28 pm

OUR GOVERNOR CAN EAT YOUR GOVERNOR!

Limeylizzie August 17, 2011 at 5:53 pm

In every sense of the word, if the rumours are to be believed.

Rotundo_ August 17, 2011 at 6:34 pm

If he flies over to eat Scooter we'll throw in some cheese … But only if it is in the literal, Walker on a spit kind of deal.

Negropolis August 18, 2011 at 2:22 am

He'd have had Jennifer Granholm's boney ass for breakfast, no doubt. Well, only in his dreams, really.

ProgressiveInga August 17, 2011 at 5:44 pm

"…fat goblin Chris Christie’s much-awaited fictional presidential bid today.."

I read that as MUNCH-awaited. Even posts about Crisco Christie make me think of food. And not in a good way.

OC_Surf_Serf August 17, 2011 at 5:45 pm

When you look deep into Chris Christie's eyes, you can see the younger, nobler, and thinner people stuck inside him.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 17, 2011 at 6:04 pm

At least the many thin folks in Christie's eyes are all united in their hunger for just one more cannoli. I see a lot of folks in Bachmann's eyes, too, but they're clearly at war with one another.

Gleem_McShineys August 17, 2011 at 7:04 pm

When you look deep into Chris Christie's eyesass, you can see the younger, nobler, and thinner people stuck inside him.

–Dr. Falbein, Proctologist

Negropolis August 18, 2011 at 2:31 am

I'd almost like ask where they were stuck inside him so that we'd no how to extra them, but I want to retain what little sanity I have left. Sorry younger, nobler, and thinner people.

SayItWithWookies August 17, 2011 at 5:56 pm

The GOP is looking for a different kind of candidate, and they're all dying for either Paul Ryan or this asshole, who treats himself like a potentate while slashing insurance for state troopers and telling them "the party's over." Maybe the Palace of Versailles was not the endroit propre for finding a man of the people, non?

grayshorter August 17, 2011 at 6:00 pm

So what's Christie's new nickname?

The Pink Goblin?

The Grey Goblin?

The Gobblin Goblin?

__kth__ August 17, 2011 at 6:15 pm

After all the starbursting is mopped up, that's a really astonishing confession from Even The Liberal Jonathan Alter.

donner_froh August 17, 2011 at 6:26 pm

I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. The baritone was this guy named Chris Christie, big fat guy, I mean, like, orca fat.

BarackMyWorld August 17, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Terrible candidates are terrible.

Sorry, that's all I got.

deanbooth August 17, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Jon, you used seem like a decent guy. Did you change or did I? I don't even know you anymore. Fuck off.

DerrickWildcat August 17, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Can't spell, "Anal Tater John" without Jonathan Alter

DaSandman August 17, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Pluto is no longer considered a planet. But Christie is bigger than Pluto.

Dear Governor Planet. America doesn't elect fat people. Or there might have been a President Huckabee. That family is a ton O fun if they are a pound.

Chris baby, eat another box of Twinkies. You'll feel better and advance your diabetes nicely . But get a bigger helicopter. Maybe a Sky Crane.

Ken Cuccinelli August 17, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Apparently the hedge fund crowd really badly wants him to run for some stupid fucking reason.

aguacatero August 17, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Chris Christie: For a Double-Wide Nation

MissusBarry August 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm

I hate to judge somebody on their size. So, Chris, you've a despicable and hateful human, wastrel with taxpayer money, and hater of all that is good and noble. You're a big fat fuck and disgusting to behold, also, too, though.

Negropolis August 18, 2011 at 2:33 am

You know, I don't much mind calling on the carpet the party of "personal responsibility" when they don't show it, themselves. Hypocrisy, right and left, is fair game. Chris Christie ain't just a little overweight or carrying a little extra baggage; he's probably clinically morbidly obese in all seriousness.

Fred_Wertham_Jr August 17, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Maybe a vigorous scalp massage from Rick Perry is in order.

horsedreamer_1 August 17, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Any wonder this man is a veteran of Newsweek?

flamingpdog August 18, 2011 at 12:16 am

Newsweak.

/corrected.

Negropolis August 18, 2011 at 2:34 am

He's also very much a veteran of Newspeak. Alter's tweets are totes doubleplusgood.

You know, it really freaks me out howsimilar LOLspeak is to Newspeak.

flamingpdog August 18, 2011 at 12:15 am

"Chris Christie would likely have the support of Rush Limbaugh, Roger Ailes …."

Those three could come up with a Republican platform that all Republicans could support, at least until it collapsed under the strain of their combined weights.

Negropolis August 18, 2011 at 1:57 am

You know, I'm sure Jonathan Alter could launch a lot of things, but no amount of witchery and trickery could launch Chris Christie into or from anything.

gurukalehuru August 18, 2011 at 5:57 am

Just what the campaign needed – more fat jokes. Lord knows, we've got everything else.

On a serious note, Chris Christie rendered himself unelectable among Retards by giving that very reasonable speech opposing anti-muslim hysteria about a week or so ago.

DaRooster August 18, 2011 at 10:52 am

Jonathan Alter Launches Chris Christie Presidential Bid For Several Hours

How many choppers did it take this time?

outragedcitizen August 18, 2011 at 11:40 am

I have always thought that the teabaggers are a bunch of greedy fucks, (You know their motto: "I got mine fuck the rest of you!"), but I see this as proof positive. They already have a whole bag full of nutters running for president but that is not even for them, they want another one. Greedy bastards!

ttommyunger August 18, 2011 at 4:58 pm

"…Launches Chris Christie…" Not within Earth's gravitational pull, my friends, not gonna happen.

Limeylizzie August 17, 2011 at 7:29 pm

I grew up watching that show with my Dad and it never crossed my mind that anything was wrong with it! Is your Auntie English? Choccy Bikkies are the best.

nappyduggs August 17, 2011 at 7:59 pm

One side of me family is of Jamaican extraction. A few of them are quite loyal to HRH and despise "yankee blacks". It's an interesting dynamic.

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