Jonathan Alter singlehandedly launched fat goblin Chris Christie’s much-awaited fictional presidential bid today, on Twitter, discussed it with himself a while, un-launched it, and then clarified that he only wishes Chris Christie were running for president. Or at least that is what someone told us this says, because we still do not speak Twit. Remember to “start at the bottom, or end there, metaphorically, whatever” when reading.


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  • Hey, I hope that fat fuck runs, too.

    Or waddles, what evs.

    • prommie

      He'll take the helicopter, thank you. Operation Dumbo Drop.

  • SexySmurf


    • Ah hah!

      I thought this was a special post that only I knew about.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "focus groups that they made seem Christie semi-auhorized"

      I realize that it must be hard to deflect blame for a massive and very public fuck-up in 140 characters, but still — does anyone have the slightest clue what this re†ard is saying?

      This is the problem with Twitter: it lets morons share their ideas with the world, long before those ideas can be hammered into actual coherent thoughts.

      • not that Dewey

        Can you even begin to parse that? I was trying to riff on it down below, and I had to go back and reread it like 6 times.

    • Negropolis

      Or at least #notintendedtobefactualjournalism

  • Two months after the September 11 attacks, Alter wrote an article for Newsweek called "Time to think about torture" which became one of his best known articles.

    Stating that "some torture clearly works," he suggested the nation should "keep an open mind about certain measures to fight terrorism, like court-sanctioned psychological interrogation," and consider transferring some prisoners to other countries with less stringent rules on torture.

    I've got an idea, let's send Alter and Christie to the CIA's sekrit torture prison in Mogadishu.

    • Radiotherapy┬«

      They're both enhanced assholes.

  • mavenmaven

    I hope Alter was wearing a back brace when he launched Christie.

  • nappyduggs

    "Wide Support"
    Really, man. Word choice.

    • Limeylizzie

      Ok that comment made me snigger like a 14 year old schoolgirl.

      • nappyduggs

        Oh! You said the "sn" word!

        • Limeylizzie

          Oh No! We English would never say or do anything even slightly racist.

          • nappyduggs

            Those bounders! You know what, though? Their blackface reminds me of the Cadbury biscuits my auntie used to bring us every xmas. So not all bad then!

          • Limeylizzie

            I grew up watching that show with my Dad and it never crossed my mind that anything was wrong with it! Is your Auntie English? Choccy Bikkies are the best.

          • nappyduggs

            One side of me family is of Jamaican extraction. A few of them are quite loyal to HRH and despise "yankee blacks". It's an interesting dynamic.

  • Callyson

    Jesus, is this a primary election or a reality show?
    Next on "Who Wants to be a Republican Presidential Nominee": yet another attempt to find someone who is not completely repulsive fails…

    • sj660


  • elviouslyqueer

    Remember to “start at the bottom, or end there, whatever”

    That's what Rick Perry said.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      That's what Marcus Bachmann said.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    When I forget about my diet, I think of Chris Christie in a tangerine Speedo. Then I barf like a Real Hosewife of Purgeitallia

    • widestanceshakedown

      A tangerine Speedo? Methinks several hundred stitched together might make him legal, if repulsive, on a beach (provided someone keeps weeping GreenPeace activists from pushing him back out to sea).

      • BerkeleyBear

        If you think it would take more than one or two, you've never been to a beach with Romanians/Bulgarians/Russians. Spandex really is a wonder material, although some wonders should not see the light of day.

        • jus_wonderin

          Might it have to be made of carbon fiber????

        • horsedreamer_1

          My team on the beach in Romania is memorable for all the naked people. To clarify, naked people under six and over sixty. It was not intended to be a sexualized state.

  • sj660

    Come on, I'm still wiping the Perry cream pie off of myself. I have to stretch a minute before I can have another GOP presidential session.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Jonathan Alter should have known better, as Chis Christie has never run for anything other than another donut.

    • emmelemm

      Ha! He doesn't run for donuts, he takes the helicopter to Krispy Kreme.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Bullshit. He has a Dunkin Donuts right in his bedroom/vomitorium.

      • widestanceshakedown

        I thought they were air-dropped by the pallet-load into his mouth.

    • sj660

      Alter should have told him about the special white house M&Ms that they make. He'd be all over that.

  • hagajim

    I always said that Jonathon lives in an Alter(ed) Universe

  • neiltheblaze

    Why, Christie would be the biggest thing since William Howard Taft.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but Taft was actually in decent shape when he ran for President (I mean, by 1908 standards when a light dinner was not eating the 3rd Porterhouse steak). He was a tall man as well as big, but he could actually walk where he needed to go and threw a mean medicine ball.

      According to TR's main biographer, btw, Taft fattened up in office out of depression/unhappiness. He did lose some pounds once out, but that might just have been old age shrinkage.

      • neiltheblaze

        Today on Wonkette I learned that Chester Allen Arthur came into office a very mistrusted person, and left office an admired figure – and that William Howard Taft was a jock.

        i would not have guessed either of those things.

    • Negropolis

      Bathtub libel!

  • Alter's plan failed because of its obvious flaw: insufficient supply of Hostess snacks and whole sides of beef.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Secessionist Traitor/Hypocritical Fat Fuck 2012!

    • Callyson

      That possibility is so scary/revolting/nauseating, it just might happen…

  • jus_wonderin

    However, a Chris Christie run could guarantee easy fund raising. No amount of coin could escape his gravitational pull. Think, ripped wallets and quarters being sucked straight out of pockets.

  • V572 T-Blow

    V572 T-Blow Tim Tebow:
    Apparently Obama was NOT actually murdered by a black-clad team of ninja teabaggers at 2:30 this afternoon. My bad.
    Two hours ago

    • not that Dewey

      Sources doing own focus groups that they made seem ninjas semi-authorized. Wishful thinking.

  • Barb

    I wish he would run. I would like revenge on my Jersey buddy for sending me the "Obama sworn in on a Koran" e-mail. I would make up my own "Christie sworn in on a stack of rubens" e-mail.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      "Christie sworn in on a stack of maple syrup covered rubens" e-mail.


  • elviouslyqueer

    But seriously, how does this affect Sarah?

    What? Oh, like y'all weren't thinking it too.

    • Barb

      That bitch thinks that when someone puts on a shitlode of weight that it must be "mono"
      We should open our own maternity clothing store in Wasilla called "It Ain't Mono"

      • Radiotherapy┬«

        He just says has a "glandular" problem. He can't quit eating.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Sorry guv, but your stomach is not a "gland".

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Unless one of Christie's kids has become preggers, her cash cow is safe.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        Don't call Bristol a cow! (She's a young heifer.)

  • JoshuaNorton

    he only wishes Chris Christie were running for president

    I know the wingnut punditz are bemoaning the lack of a "heavy weight" rightie for their candidate, but I don't think this was the solution they had in mind.


    • Limeylizzie

      In every sense of the word, if the rumours are to be believed.

    • Rotundo_

      If he flies over to eat Scooter we'll throw in some cheese … But only if it is in the literal, Walker on a spit kind of deal.

    • Negropolis

      He'd have had Jennifer Granholm's boney ass for breakfast, no doubt. Well, only in his dreams, really.

  • "…fat goblin Chris Christie’s much-awaited fictional presidential bid today.."

    I read that as MUNCH-awaited. Even posts about Crisco Christie make me think of food. And not in a good way.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    When you look deep into Chris Christie's eyes, you can see the younger, nobler, and thinner people stuck inside him.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      At least the many thin folks in Christie's eyes are all united in their hunger for just one more cannoli. I see a lot of folks in Bachmann's eyes, too, but they're clearly at war with one another.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      When you look deep into Chris Christie's eyesass, you can see the younger, nobler, and thinner people stuck inside him.

      –Dr. Falbein, Proctologist

    • Negropolis

      I'd almost like ask where they were stuck inside him so that we'd no how to extra them, but I want to retain what little sanity I have left. Sorry younger, nobler, and thinner people.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The GOP is looking for a different kind of candidate, and they're all dying for either Paul Ryan or this asshole, who treats himself like a potentate while slashing insurance for state troopers and telling them "the party's over." Maybe the Palace of Versailles was not the endroit propre for finding a man of the people, non?

  • grayshorter

    So what's Christie's new nickname?

    The Pink Goblin?

    The Grey Goblin?

    The Gobblin Goblin?

  • __kth__

    After all the starbursting is mopped up, that's a really astonishing confession from Even The Liberal Jonathan Alter.

  • I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. The baritone was this guy named Chris Christie, big fat guy, I mean, like, orca fat.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Terrible candidates are terrible.

    Sorry, that's all I got.

  • Jon, you used seem like a decent guy. Did you change or did I? I don't even know you anymore. Fuck off.

  • Can't spell, "Anal Tater John" without Jonathan Alter

  • DaSandman

    Pluto is no longer considered a planet. But Christie is bigger than Pluto.

    Dear Governor Planet. America doesn't elect fat people. Or there might have been a President Huckabee. That family is a ton O fun if they are a pound.

    Chris baby, eat another box of Twinkies. You'll feel better and advance your diabetes nicely . But get a bigger helicopter. Maybe a Sky Crane.

  • Ken Cuccinelli

    Apparently the hedge fund crowd really badly wants him to run for some stupid fucking reason.

  • aguacatero

    Chris Christie: For a Double-Wide Nation

  • MissusBarry

    I hate to judge somebody on their size. So, Chris, you've a despicable and hateful human, wastrel with taxpayer money, and hater of all that is good and noble. You're a big fat fuck and disgusting to behold, also, too, though.

    • Negropolis

      You know, I don't much mind calling on the carpet the party of "personal responsibility" when they don't show it, themselves. Hypocrisy, right and left, is fair game. Chris Christie ain't just a little overweight or carrying a little extra baggage; he's probably clinically morbidly obese in all seriousness.

  • Maybe a vigorous scalp massage from Rick Perry is in order.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Any wonder this man is a veteran of Newsweek?

    • flamingpdog



    • Negropolis

      He's also very much a veteran of Newspeak. Alter's tweets are totes doubleplusgood.

      You know, it really freaks me out howsimilar LOLspeak is to Newspeak.

  • flamingpdog

    "Chris Christie would likely have the support of Rush Limbaugh, Roger Ailes …."

    Those three could come up with a Republican platform that all Republicans could support, at least until it collapsed under the strain of their combined weights.

  • Negropolis

    You know, I'm sure Jonathan Alter could launch a lot of things, but no amount of witchery and trickery could launch Chris Christie into or from anything.

  • Just what the campaign needed – more fat jokes. Lord knows, we've got everything else.

    On a serious note, Chris Christie rendered himself unelectable among Retards by giving that very reasonable speech opposing anti-muslim hysteria about a week or so ago.

  • DaRooster

    Jonathan Alter Launches Chris Christie Presidential Bid For Several Hours

    How many choppers did it take this time?

  • I have always thought that the teabaggers are a bunch of greedy fucks, (You know their motto: "I got mine fuck the rest of you!"), but I see this as proof positive. They already have a whole bag full of nutters running for president but that is not even for them, they want another one. Greedy bastards!

  • ttommyunger

    "…Launches Chris Christie…" Not within Earth's gravitational pull, my friends, not gonna happen.

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