We get so many ridiculous press releases every day, we’re going to start featuring them in this new unintentional comedy section, “Press Releases Without Comment.”
TO: tips@wonkette.com
DATE: Wed, Aug 17, 2011 at 5:15 AMPress Release: Michele Bachmann First To Make Illegal Immigration Top Issue for 2012
August 17, 2011 (MMD Newswire) – - America’s largest political action committee addressing illegal immigration is issuing public thanks to presidential candidate Michele Bachmann for becoming the first candidate of 2012 to make border security and illegal immigration control a top issue.
The Associated Press reports on April 16 that Bachmann made illegal immigration an issue in Greenville, SC as part of her three state tour.
Michele Bachmann is reported to have said “lax enforcement of immigration laws was a threat to the nation’s security. She agreed with a town hall questioner at a Greenville stop that U.S. troops should be redeployed from South Korea to south Texas.”
The report also states that Bachmann said “The problem has been in our unwillingness to enforce the laws that are on the books.” and “How do you solve it? You build a barrier, a fence, a wall — whatever you want to call it. You build it…As president of the United States, every mile, every yard, every foot, every inch will be covered on that southern border.”
Access entire article at: http://www.alipac.us/article6500.html
Americans who support legal immigration and oppose illegal immigration and any form of Amnesty for illegals welcome these comments.
“It is great to hear Michele Bachmann put the illegal immigration issue into the spotlight,” said William Gheen of ALIPAC. “She has hit the nail on the head describing the cause of the problem being the under enforcement of our existing laws. By stating her intent to put barriers on our southern border backed by troops she is showing the strength and resolve voters want to see.”
ALIPAC endorsed Bachmann as a congressional candidate, but does not endorse candidates running for president. Instead, the national organization ranks presidential candidates as being for either AMNESTY or ENFORCEMENT since any form of Comprehensive or Dream Act Amnesty for illegals would destroy any future enforcement efforts for America.
While Bachmann’s records on the issue of illegal immigration are under review along with the records of Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Ron Paul, and others, her latest comments could place her into ALIPAC’s ENFORCEMENT category.
“We acknowledge that Michele Bachman is the first presidential contender of the 2012 race to make border security and illegal immigration a top issue for her campaign,” said William Gheen. “Now we just need to make sure that she will indeed enforce our existing immigration and border laws instead of supporting Dream or Comprehensive Amnesties that would undermine any and all enforcement efforts.”
For more information about ALIPAC and the stances of federal candidates regarding illegal immigration, please visit or contact us through http://www.alipac.us
###
DISCUSS THIS NATIONAL PRESS RELEASE WITH ALIPAC’s ONLINE ACTIVISTS AT: http://www.alipac.us/ftopicp-1256410.html#1256410
CONTACT: Americans for Legal Immigration PAC
(866) 703-____ / P___@alipac.us
—-
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{ 172 comments }
Bachmannn hates Mexicans? Who mows her lawn?
The girls at the salon are usually Korean.
Oh, you didn't mean THAT lawn.
Salvadorans and Nicaraguans, not that she ever talks to them.
T-paw has got some time on his hands now.
Canadian teenagers…. We don't mind our northern borders not being secure because those people are white.
Some of us, but not all of us.
NUANCE! BOO!!!
I know, friggin Canucks. Doesn't he know that while everybody else lives in reality, us Merkuns are busy creating a new reality and leaving the rest of the world in our dust?
Are you of The Original Proprietors?
Well, certainly not Marcus.
[/rimshot]
Ho ho! You are correct sir!
That's just, you know, gross.
Her army of Government Surplus foster kids that she gets Welfare money for, as a tax payer supported business?
GodDAMNit. Alright, alright, HITLER.
All of them, Katy!
This lovely young lad that Marcus found at rent.boys.com.
Oh, I'm sure Marcus rounds up a few local high school boys, you know, to give them extra cash to spend down at the malt shop. Naturally, he supervises their work very closely.
And whenever Michele sees them, they are always so sweaty.
Michele's a Proud American. She has foster children to do that stuff.
Note: Please ignore this remark and read my other remark further up this thread. Oh, WTF. I've decided that "Hitler" is the correct answer to this question on the multiple-choice test. Oh, this is the essay portion?
Fuck.
Miche1e: you and your handlers should read up on the Posse Comitatus Act before you start pandering to this particular crowd of bigots.
Michele never met a bigot she wasn't willing to pander to.
Which was when Republicans turned their backs on the slaves they freed only 22 years before in order to get Hayes in the White House.
Absolutely. And yet African-Americans were loyal Republican voters until Roosevelt. Reconstruction never went far enough.
The virus only evolved into a more stealhy organism. We had to innoculate against it in 1964, but that didn't completely kill it, either.
Ha ha, you expect Shelly to read sumpin'? Unless it's a 2-3 word phrase that's already been repeated by other tea brainers she's got nothing.
Well, the Act exempts the Coast Guard. So Bachmann could spend hundreds of millions building shallow draft CG craft armed with the latest weapons and see-in-the-dark equipment–to pick errant Mexicans off the southern bank of the Rio Grande day and night. You'd need one craft approximately every quarter-mile. That would cure the illegal problem for Texas and create thousands of jobs, making the Coast Guard the largest arm of the US military.
Not to mention improving the ancient art of sea to shore battery, and making once-obscure Texas towns like Rio Grande City and McAllen major tourist attractions. Everyone likes a good fire fight.
To me, it's a win-win.
Lieberman! Always expanding his empire of pork!
Wonder if William Gheen is related to Ed.
You build a barrier, a fence, a wall — whatever you want to call it. You build it…As president of the United States, every mile, every yard, every foot, every inch will be covered on that southern border.
What could possibly go wrong?
Or this this fine addition to the coastal landscape.
home sweet home.
How is that supposed to stop people again? You may as well hang a sign somewhere reading "Attention Messicans: Boo!"
Er … just WTF is that?
That is where the border fence runs into the Pacific Ocean in San Diego. Handsome, huh?
Excuse me. I must beat my head repeatedly against my keyboard. BBL.
Balance the budget and waste a bunch of government dollars building a giant-ass wall for a border a thousand miles long that will fail to accomplish its' xenophobic goal; those are two perfectly consistent positions.
Between Chinese contractors and East German enigneers, I'm sure they can get it done on budget and to spec.
Remember when Reagan said, "Mr. Gorbachev, I like this wall and would like to build my own!"
You think Bachmann understands the concept of consistency?
Yes. No. Sometimes. Never. Always.
Stop the trick questions.
I'm tellin' ya. Always with the "gotcha questions."
Illegal immigration is her top issue? Hooray! That whole jerbs thing is solved. Also our credit rating must be back up to AAA. And debt, shmebt.
ALI PAC? That sounds a little Muslim-y to me. I think I'm going to need to see some ID.
She floats like a butterfly, because she's high as a kite.
Marcus Bachman stings like a parastic wasp…
Actually, although his size argues against it, Marcus Bachmann strikes me more as a parasitic male anglerfish.
How could Bachmann become the first candidate to discuss illegal immigration on August 16 when everyone at the debate last Thursday talked about it? And they all had the same positions, except for Gov. Pot-smoking.
I've got one question for you Michelle… how many Mexicans have you killed? What's that you say? None?
Rick Perry puts his money where his mouth is.
You know, there are many, many, many reasons to oppose Rick Perry, but for the top one I'm torn between his violence-tinged fascistic rhetoric, his being a craven shill for big oil, or his Dubya-like morbid fetish for chuffing people off in execution chambers. I think I going to have to go with that last one.
Slight correction: Rick Perry puts other people's money where his mouth is.
Correction to the correction: Rick Perry puts his mouth where other people's money is.
"Oh yeah?" responds Bachmann. "Well, the Texas border under Rick Perry is as loose, open and inviting as my husband's asshole."
Oh great — now we get to recapitulate this debate — why doesn't someone just come out with a proposal for a moat of fire guarded by giant walking robots with laser eyes and hellfire missiles for arms, and that way we can skip the buildup to the crazy and just get to the conclusion?
Anything Shelly can do to bring us closer to the apocalypse is alright with her.
we could just invade Mexico and enslave them. why kill off that huge work force, amirite?
And sharks with freakin' laser beams on their freakin' heads!
You'd think that someone who can really suck on a corn dog, she'd have no problem with Churros.
and lest we forget…
http://www.watermelonwaistline.com/wp-content/upl...
So… just the copypasta? No witty banter, gin or ass-fucking?
Seriously. That was totally a quick and dirty Wonkwire post.
There's been a tragic dearth of ass-fucking topics in these parts for nigh on 2 years now.
No gin references, either. I miss the gin.
We need more gin to compensate for the lack of ass-fucking!
I'm marinating in it, lately.
I feel so cheap. So dirty. So … used.
Michele first? I beg to differ–I distinctly recall it was Huntsman (sp?) who went on during that freak show debate last week to the effect that he would not talk about anything else until the border was secure…
"One of us…one of us…one of us…"
It's so hard to tell them rabid honky crazies apart, these days.
Here's something to ponder Michelle. We Texans and Mexicans have been getting along just fine for about 100 years. Sure, we have a drug war and Los Zetas and that's not good. But as a State, with the help of the US Border Patrol and Immigration and Customs Enforcement, we're working hard as a State to keep the criminals South of the Rio Grande.
So why don't you just shut the fuck up and go partner with Rick Ballsack Perry and go play I Wanna Be President. We Texans (along with the U.S. Government) are just fine.
One other thing Michelle: When we bring troops home, it's not so they can be deployed on the Southern border so you can look good. It's to bring them home – period.
Now go take some more of your stupid pills and listen to your signed Randy Travis CD.
brilliant
Bring them home and make them unemployed?
Peggy Noonan once saw a Mexican…
At Lou Dobbs Estate?
No, in this fine and subtle post on Wonkette, apparently before Jim Newell went into his epic period of Noonan-writing.
Anyone who wants to relive those glory days can just type 'Noonan' in the Wonkette search field and scroll down to the ones penned by Newell. (Alas, the inspired comments have not survived.)
That post was worthy of so many upfists.
That was his wife, I bet.
Dame Noonington then fainted.
No! She touched the Mexi-lady's sleeve and muttered something about God, apparently. It's a pretty confusing (that is to say, pointless) story.
Perhaps Jim's finest hour.
Ken, actually. Jim took over the Noonan beat later and really rode it hard.
Wow, you are right! Good times…
Oh, the classics never go out of style. Nice retrieval!
but i thought anonymity was SOP at glory holes.
Waiting on her table?
No me gusto tu arbusto. I do not like your bush. Please shave.
Sure you are not thinking of Xtine O'Donnell?
Well, Arbusto Energy was one of da shrub's failed enterprises…
Snap. I had forgotten all about GWB and his string of failed businesses.
Hey, you watch that … oops.
Er. Carry on.
The Mexicans are taking over America with their anchor babies and their Taco Bells, but God help us if they use their devil language while we are at work trying to oppress them!!
Muéstrame tus papeles, también.
What does she have against LAX? She doesn't like all those Koreans in Los Angeles?
She just wants the Koreans from Orange County to move to Brownsville….
Also, I'm not sure if I should be frightened or amused by the all caps announcement at the end:
DISCUSS THIS NATIONAL PRESS RELEASE WITH ALIPAC’s ONLINE ACTIVISTS
If only my Spanish were a *little* better, I could tell those wingnuts to go chinga themselves…
Just tell the wingnutz to yell "Hola, pendejos!" at the guys hanging out at the Home Depot. It's like Eich bin ein Berliner.
You better hope none of the wingnutz survive to exact their revenge on Wonketz. Besides, jelly doughnuts are harmless.
She reminds me of Lancelot Link. Crazy chimp. La la la la la LAAA!
Too bad she's not up defending the Northern border from the hordes of socialists with their universal healthcare and Canadian dollars.
She was born in Canada, and doesn't want any of her fellow-citizens to recognize her.
Building the wall is fine with her as long as it is paid for in Ameros.
And the debt ceiling, and taxes, aren't raised.
This reminds me of an old joke….
Q: Why did Republicans kill Jesus?
A: Because he tried to cross the border.
Build the dang fence in Bethleham to keep those damn barefoot, penniless immigrants out…
If she comes out in favor of the danged fence, she'll have Arizona in the bag. Oh wait – she did. Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Fences make good neighbors? Maybe we've had it wrong all along?
http://gravityandgrace.blogspot.com/2010/06/good-...
Sarah's penchant for revenge has a brilliant signature style – her kids.
She brings Trig into her tiff with a writer having the gall to move in next door to her and she uses Piper to attack a Juneau resident when saying he's Anti-Tourist fails to raise the ire of her flying monkeys.
“I wanted to offer (Thoma) to hide Piper’s trampoline further in a corner of the yard … if it’s a matter of not giving anyone anything to look at so they’ll go away then I’d ask Piper to not giggle so loudly on her buoy swing or bicycle in the yard,” the ADN quoted her saying from a written statement.
And you know what they say about "fences make for good neighbors"? Well, we'll get started on that tall fence tomorrow, and I'll try to keep Trig's squeals down to a quiet giggle so we don't disturb your peaceful summer. Enjoy!
Insult with a smile and revel in the ensuing character assassination.
These "conservative" women bring ugly good-old-boy politics into cesspool waters. And then mudfight in them.
What's with the huge gap at the bottom of the fence? Wasn't she afraid journalists would come crawling into her yard?
That cunt, and her entire cunty tribe, specialize in "cut your balls off" terminology. There's no way any man can respond to charges of "man up," or "put your man-pants on" without looking like a bully, a buffoon, and a miserable failure. And these bitches know it. I'm amazed all these RWNJ men don't speak up. Perhaps they're afraid Sarah and her ilk will go for their balls next, with teeth and claws.
I dunno, depends if Russell Pearce gets recalled first.
Michele is going to lose the Reaganiest competition in the Republican presidential pageant with that attitude.
I think I posted this before, but it seems to fit:
Sung to the tune of Don't Fence Me In.
Give me links lots of links give me shiny links of steel
Please fence us in
Build a wall through this broad paranoia that we feel
Just fence us in
Let us be by ourselves behind the razor wire
And turn back Coyotes lest we open fire
Seal us off forever til that race retires…Just fence us in.
Just pour concrete till it straddles that old saddle on the border line
Won't it be sweet when it wanders over yonder
Keeping them from taking mine?
Sure you can say we're anachronistic,
but that will never stop us being jingoistic
This wall is being built upon a crass statistic
Just fence us in.
Time for Barry to deport Rick Bayless!
Also, I will take care of his daughter Laney if necessary, for patriotism.
"She agreed with a town hall questioner at a Greenville stop that U.S. troops should be redeployed from South Korea to south Texas."
Excuse me, but having faced off with the DPRK (here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joint_Security_Area)... I can say without any doubt that there is a colossal difference between being next door to a million men under arms that have been propagandized into believing I was there to rape their babies and a million men out of work who just want to pick my avocados.
I think that's much too subtle of a difference for the Teatards to detect.
OK. Let me try again. I have lived next door to North Koreans and I live next door to Mexicans now. The North Koreans routinely pulled their pistols out and pointed them at me for sport and to intimidate me (didn't work). The worst I get from my Mexican neighbors is dirty looks when I mow my own lawn.
Yeah, my husband was stationed at the DMZ and he said those folks are bad-ass (as in scary and soulless) MoFos. Now he oversees Mexicans in the home building industry–I'm pretty sure I know who he thinks is more of a threat.
You know, according to the teabaggers, "avocado" is MexIslammunifascist code for … yep, you guessed it.
Also, firsties are stupid, annoying and lame. As is Michele Bachmann, so it's not a surprise that she is the first candidate to go for one in this campaign.
Keep swinging at the grapefruits Michele, it's easier than standing on your own freakish Seven Mountains platform.
Rick Parry ("A" for America) has really come out swinging. I'm surprised that he let Michele beat him in alienating a large portion of Tejas voters.
OT but somewhat appropriate.
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/gerard-depa...
Hey, the guy's a war vet (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109454/). Give him a break!
Drunk or not, it's a stupid rule.
Thats why Gerard Depardiu is the man; Jean Reno could never pull that off!
I don't think Jean would ever pull it OUT, either.
Jean Reno is delicious and i would probably let HIM use me like an Air France plane.
Looks like he's been enjoying a lot of those tasty French pastries and Foie gras. He looks like my neighbor's Shar Pei dog.
Limey had me excited, thought I was going to read about Gerard Butler. I'd fancy him an illegal alien. Dreamy Amnesty for sure.
Gerard Butler? Makes me want to eat ice cream and watch his "Phantom of the Opera" DVD all day.
Looks like he ate Andie MacDowell (& I don't mean in the fun, sexy way).
What a delightful thought! I mean eating Andie McDowell. Around the time of Saint Elmo's Fire would have been the perfect time for it. In the fun, sexy way.
We haven't seen Colonel Angus around these parts in a long time.
After his son died, he packed on the pounds. They had been alienated for a while.
Well, I guess that means he's pretty much off the Olympic ski team now.
What a pisser!!!
Well, she has Lou Dobbs' vote sewn up now.
She probably thinks Salvador Dali is Mexican. And also a doll.
Or a llama?
Helloooo, Dali, well hellooo, Dali. . . . .
Broadway is melting…
Jesus, I hope to gawd she never bursts into song. I don't think that nasal whine would be bearable as a showtune.
I suppose it would be irresponsibly optimistic, starry-eyed thinking to hope that she's talking about the southern border of Minnesota's sixth congressional district.
I love your refreshing naivete. As if that stupid bitch has the first fucking clue what she's talking about.
"U.S. troops should be redeployed from South Korea to south Texas.”
I agree. But for different reasons entirely. Altogether.
Okay. Do the people who "hate immigrants" also "hate reality" or "hate math and numbers and shit" ? Because, if shipping Mexicans home is your bag, you should fuckin looooove Barack Obama. He has deported more people than any other Pres, like ever, no? So, shut up shut up shut up. You do not hate illegals. You hate our black President.
word
#WNNING
The President is Near!
He tagged more companies for illegal hiring in 2010 that Bush did in eight years.
Moar of this, plz…
This wimmins needz 2 win the republicunt nomnomnomination!
You know what Bachmann's number one priority is? CREATING JOBS!
You know why 'illegals' cross the border without permission? TO GET JOBS!
I suggest that WonkPAC send its very own cuddly press release out decrying ALIPAC's endorsement of a candidate who is personally handwriting gold-embossed invitations to undocumented Mexicans to storm the border. She's even promising them JOBS if they do!
My brane haz a hertz.
"U.S. troops should be redeployed from South Korea to south Texas."
Also, too, send them back to South Vietnam. This time we'll win that fucker.
You betcha! We'd have the element of surprise working in our favor this time!
Carrying on about immigration "top-prioritizing" as if it put Bachmann above other contenders on the subject, is akin to making Greenville and Spartanburg and your first campaign stops as "South Carolina's finest" because, one's got a few Christian universities with warriorlike attitudes about who's allowed in — and the other validates purebred ideals on the state's beauty pageant stage every year.
Exactly, I went to college about an hour away from Green/Spart and I hated those towns. So depressing, so Christyish, Cesspools of the cesspool.
"You build a barrier, a fence, a wall — whatever you want to call it. You build it…As president of the United States, every mile, every yard, every foot, every inch will be covered on that southern border."
I got 800 miles of bolted border
Right outside my door
There's minutemen in little pickup trucks
Who declared their own dang war
Now the government wants to build a barrier like ol' berlin 8 feet tall
But if Uncle Sam sends the illegals home
Who's gonna build the wall?
Who's gonna build your wall boys
Who's gonna mow your lawn
Who's gonna cook your Mexican food
When your Mexican maid is gone
Who's gonna wax your floors tonight
Down at the local mall
Who's gonna wash your baby's face
Who's gonna build your wall???
Thanks, Tom Russell.
In other words, if Mexicans can get to Canada, they are welcome to stroll right into the USA, otherwise, no way Jose.
Illegal Mexicans heading to Canada are TOURISTS!
Rich, White Mexicans, no less
Only 34 families run the joint..
Maybe we could send the US Army to Tejas to finish the job started during Reconstruction.
So let me see if I got this right.
Bachmann important issue: Illegal Immigration
Santorum important issue: Abortion
Perry important issue: Praying for rain ???
Do these people talk about this shit because they don't have a clue what the important issues are?
Newt Gingrich knows the important issue is the economy — which is doing badly because of gay marriage.
Santorum also holds this view, apparently.
Fucking brilliant, these guys are.
"You build a barrier, a fence, a wall — whatever you want to call it. You build it…"
This sounds like my wife when she's asking me to do some sort of garden project.
Yeah, that "sounding like somebody's dumbshit wifey" schtick is not going to serve her so well in picking up the educated female vote. Not that that's a huge demographic, either, but geez.
I suppose this kind of drivel appeals to the "Build the dang fence" crowd, but this combination of fear/hate messaging has to leave the Independents scratching their heads. 'Course she's trying to win the primary now, not a General Election, but will the extreme right of the Republican Party carry the day? I hope so.
Let ConAgra build the wall. They're the ones that ruined the mexican farm economy, as was their intent when they ordered Clinton to destroy America and Mexico with NAFTA.
If she were president, she would need that wall to keep the Americans in, not to keep the Mexicans out.
ALI PAC? Why not BIGOT PAC?
Michelle and Perry are so destined to end up getting weird in a backstage broom closet in some Kansas or Nebraska high school auditorium. And then debating each other afterwards. Breathing heavily and refixing their perfect hair. It's just gotta happen.
I hear Rick Perry's a secret Muslin, too.
Conservative bloggers have already begun beating the living shit out of him over his friendship with the Aga Khan. And he's barely been in "tha race" a week.
The whole 'build a fence' thing is so ridiculous that I have always assumed it was a metaphor.
But, I think they're being literal. WTF? srsly?
Imagine how embarrassing it would be to live in that country with the big fence all around it.
It wouldn't be all around it, though. It's only that dreadful southern border. The northern border (you know, the one the 9/11 hijackers came across), well, it's just fine.
So, Alipac writes a press release, refers to itself in the third person, and then quotes itself to itself. Woah, that's cool. Ima start doin that on my blog!
Take a look around. Lots of nice pics on the Google:
http://maps.google.com/?ll=32.534415,-117.123165&...
Your tax dollars at work! Finish the dang fence!
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