Notorious pill-gobbling serial fabricator Michele Bachmann made up a stupid lie about how she went to her family reunion in Iowa and then made excuses to the press when she was late for everything that day on account of attending the reunion, which she did not attend. Klassy! Or did she? All we know is that Michele Bachmann says she was there, Michele Bachmann’s mother says that only Marcus was there, ergo: Michele Bachmann is just Marcus Bachmann in a girdle and a gnarly rubber mask, which makes “sense” in a spine-tingling way. Best/worst Republican drag queen outfit since Rudy Giuliani, is our vote!
OH FINE, here is the SCOOP from POLITICO:
On her victory lap of Iowa yesterday, Straw Poll winner Rep. Michele Bachmann paid repeated tribute to her local roots, and repeatedly mentioned her family reunion that day, citing it as an excuse for her late arrival at a local party event in Waterloo.
But Bachmann’s mother and two cousins told POLITICO’s Emily Schultheis that Bachmann didn’t attend the reunion, though her husband and children did. Her spokeswoman, Alice Stewart, didn’t respond to two emails asking for an explanation of the disparity.
Bachmann told Chris Wallace on “Fox News Sunday” that same morning that she was looking forward to the reunion.
“We’re having a big family reunion today in northeastern Iowa so I’ll get to go and see all my relatives,” she said.
That pretty much proves our theory. Amazing what a good makeup artist on fistfuls of LSD can do these days. [POLITICO]
{ 245 comments }
Good makeup artist?
or a good one that sold his/her soul to the Devil.
Well I think she uses a good clown makeup artist.
I assumed she used a mason rather than a makeup artist.
She was playing bass in various tents that day.
Does that mean she was inside of Huckabee, operating him as if she were piloting a portly mecha?
Mama sang bass
Daddy sang tenor…
Maybe she forgot which family.
Yeah, I don't know why everyone's assuming she meant her human family.
She went to the one with those Lizard people from that mini-series in the 80's "V".
Like as not.
Also, what does it say that Bachmann's own mother threw her under the bus?
Her mother is named Rosemary?
I saw what you did there.
You just won the morning.
Family Reunion Libel!
~
Her mother is Joan Crawford?
Shoulda been done years ago.
It says that her mother knows her daughter.
"The arc of history is long, but it bends toward justice. …"
Please, no penis jokes. This is a family site.
Mom doesn't like her much?
"Praying Away Teh Ghey" is not a "family reunion.
Well perhaps Michele's klan hails from Appalachia?
That whole idiotic concept always makes be wonder one thing? Who the fuck are these mouthbreathers praying to? Baal?
Supply-Side Jesus
Baal would not welcome them. They're too crazy, even for Baal.
For Michele Bachmann nee Amble, it is. Her stepsister's an out lesbian in a LTR.
But how is Marcus at singing show tunes?
So good, its scary. You should hear the man doing Gershwin. And by that I mean when he is having sex with a rentboy named Frederick T. Gershwin.
He's quite a fan of Judy Garland.
Friend of Dorothy, eh? (waggles eyebrows meaningfully)
He doesn't know the words, but he does hum them. Or so I heard. . .
The word "fabulous" comes to mind.
You can't expect anyone to remember who was or wasn't there, with all the wild corndogging that was happening.
"corndogging" is my new favorite verb.
You are engaging in deep-fried-butter-libel!
Michele, every time you tell a lie God kills a foster child.
Shame that it's not a federal farm subsidy that gets killed every time. That would really hurt.
What do you think those kids are? Michele gets 30 free, non-taxable dollars A DAY for every foster child she has. They're her biggest socialist cash cow.
Every time she tells a lie a billionaire loses one tax subsidy. That should keep her honest.
I get the feeling you shouldna told her that. Any report on number of deaths in MN today?
A godbag dragee? Oh Wonkette you take the cake with your little pearls.
Both were borne from the gut of Rush Limbaugh; maybe they're identical twins who share the same costume.
My enthusiasm for Mme(s) Marcus & 'L' has just about tapped out. What I'd really like to see is pics of these children of the cornflakes.
My vote for Comment of the Day.
"Children of the Cornflakes. Infused with Vitamin D, for Dominionism!"
Really, MLHencken? Well…. shucks
That was awful.
OT, thanks for the book recoms.
"Children of the Cornflakes. Infused with Vitamin D, for Dominionism!"
Clear Win.
T'would make the Santorum kidz look balanced, happy and well adjusted.
How many family reunions does she attend? All of 'em, Katie.
Never mind that shit, FREE RANDY TRAVIS CONCERT!
When I read about the concert the first thing I thought was "Why is Randy Travis in jail?"
Ok, that's going to be my new answer for everything.
Yehaw!
Michele is sorry, but meth doesn't cook itself, you know!
Bachmann's Mother: Now are you sure you told her it was at the park and not at Uncle John's house?
Bachmann's Father: Yes I did dear. 5 times.
Bachmann's Mother: All right as long as you told her it was at the park at 3 so she'll be there. Now let's go to Uncle John's house and see the family.
Bachmann's Father: I know… don't those eyes just freak you out?
Bachmann's Mother: Really! It's like somthing Poe dreamt up.
Bachman's Father: Shoulda let me drowned her with that batch of kittens.
Shoulda let me drowned her
withinstead of that batch of kittens.Fixed.
Rick Perry went to her family reunion instead.
And he ate ALL the corndogs, for freedom. The end.
To badly misquote Churchill, I fear that this is not the end, or even the beginning of the end, but perhaps only the end of the beginning.
Yes, but did he call her a traitor for not showing up at her own family reunion, shortly before seceding from them himself? Now that's Perry-Style.
I'd think Perry would actually be a great guest for reunions, weddings or whatever. You're pretty much guaranteed that it won't rain if he's there.
That last line made me laugh till I coughed. I hope you're happy now.
Ecstatic. Although if you'd lodged an olive in your nose and squirted root beer, it would have been awesomely ecstatic.
Goddammit. I don't have any olives, and I'm fresh out of root beer. Would you settle for "horked up a loogie"?
Her family reunion must be like Thanksgiving dinner with the House of Atreus.
Tantalus, pass some more of that delicious Pelops.
i think anyone who can work up a greek tragedy reference for the bachmans deserves comment of the day.
At first I thought it was a Dune reference, but that's House Atreides…never mind.
(I am such a nerd! Thanks, hon.)
This is exactly the kind of leadership our country needs…somebody who lies about going to a family reunion to excuse tardiness. The thing is, I'm not sure I can stomach finding out what actually prompted her lateness. My brain is unwilling to contemplate, even for the fun of snarking.
It's not a lie if the Holy Spirit tells you to do it.
These people don't recognize the Great Deceiver, even when he is riding their bungholes with corn syrup lube. Rick Perry sands down his horns twice daily, also.
"These people don't recognize the Great Deceiver, even when he is riding their bungholes with corn syrup lube."
This is a beautiful piece of wordsmithing. I hope to be able to work it into my daily vernacular.
Thanks!
EDIT: Moved remainder to the next Wonkette post, where it belongs.
I keep trying to figure out how and where I can use it for maximum effectiveness. Company picnic? General meeting?
She had a headache.
So the run-screaming-from-the-bathroom-lesbians thingy was actually a clever ruse to disguise the fact that gayMarcus . . . wait, I'm lost now.
Help a sister out?
WWJLT? Who would Jesus lie to?
Jesus would just wave his hand and say "these are not the facts you are looking for."
Also acceptable, What Was Jesus Late To?
All of them, Katie.
They can't be the same person… Michelle got her training from Oral Roberts. Marcus got his training from "anal Robert".
Funny how you never see those Roberts boys together at the same time!
Conspiracy Part Deux. McLovin' it!
I agree. They clearly are not the same person. According to Iowa legend, Michele has a much bigger cock.
It was actually anal RobertS. Robert Garmine and Robert Franklin. Alternating Saturdays. You can read about it in Marcus' book, "The Man Inside Me."
Well, with all the tribute she had to pay to Satan for her win in the straw poll, there just wasn't time for family reunions.
If by "tribute" you mean blow jobs… yeah.
Then she said "Satan's cock tastes like ash".
"Just like Daddy did!"
Ya know, that could explain the crazy eyes given all that close up detail work she'd have to do.
Hey, that's Satan Libel, dammit!
And she didn't pay me any tribute … the dumb bitch bought those concert tickets from Telecharge (even though they charge twice the "service fee" that I do!)
So Telecharge: Officially twice as bad as Satan. That's about right. Nice to finally have it quantified.
She was really sneaking around the back of the parking lot letting the air out of Sarah Palin's bus tires. Oh, and having mercy sex with T-Paw.
Lot lizard.
damn!
So THAT'S why she looks so familiar.
Especially the top of her head.
Flat from the weight of years of beers.
Hey I skip the occasional family reunion myself. I find the shrine to Benito Mussolini a little off putting.
Oooh I bet she had a headache…
Also this is the first instance of this bitch not getting away with a lie. "I am a job creator" "I understand the constitution" "My husband LOVES to fuck me…" on and on…
Michele is just too horrofic for snark. Truth be told, she scares me
me, not as much as rick perry.
It's Glen or Glenda all over again.
Only Ed Wood was a much more convincing woman than was Michele.
Pull the string!
It was the Dicken's Cider. She always liked the Dicken's Cider can. Its a big little can.
Maybe there's no Marcus Bachmann … Michele roams the streets dressed as a man, trying desperately to convince gay men to pray away the gay. Probably made up this Marcus persona because her family kept asking her when she was going to settle down and get married. She just forgot that she was dressed as Marcus when she went to the reunion.
Who's that gay guy she's always *shudder* dancing with then?
"On her victory lap of Iowa yesterday, Straw Poll winner Rep. Michele Bachmann paid repeated tribute to her local roots, "
How about we just let her be president of Iowa?
Strange thing do do, considering that she's pretty damned unattractive when her roots are showing.
No thank you. We already have Ayatollah Vander Platts.
The voices in her head told her to take eastbound I-80 and it took forever to get turned around.
GOP/Teatard family values: blowing off hanging out with your actual relatives to bask in the adulation of people you claim to share common cause with, but actually cannot stand.
And then go on TV and lie about it.
Then project that behavior on a librul, the left, the Democrat party, Obamar..
"She" only goes to "her" family reunions as a man.
Trust me, some family members get upset when you accidentally have one too many 32oz martini's, put on your best drag, and fall out of the back of Uncle Fester's pickup truck while performing a fabulous version of "I'm going down."
It's almost like they don't even want entertainment at these events.
Whew, what a relief, I thought I was the only one who drinks quart-sized martinis.
Not while I'm around you're not.
Dad?
Ingrates.
Well if I was part of Bachmann's family, I would be very happy to have her not show up.
I would be even happier if she didn't show up to the inauguration.
No, but are Marcus Bachmann and Chaz Bono the same person? That's what I want to know.
No way, Chaz is WAY cuter.
Of course she didn't attend! She had a debilitating migraine and couldn't- oops, forget I said that.
Does this bitch even know the difference between telling the truth and lying?
The difference is subtle:
Lying = statements that will advance her career ambitions
Truth = statements that will advance her career ambitions
No.
Yes. That is … no.
She does, but doesn't care; which, by definition, is Bullshit.
"Bullshitters seek to convey a certain impression of themselves without being concerned about whether anything at all is true."
Just how old was Ole Crazy Eyes when her family moved away from Iowa? A few weeks? Months? Even if it years, so what?
Although in her case birth to 2 might just be the most formative period of her life.
Because Bachmann is a tralfamadorian, she fails to see the difference between a family reunion this year and any other year.
That's what they told me back when I was child in Gallifrey.
Ooops! Got my Vonnegut confused with the Dr.'s Toclafane.
♫ Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you say?
Liar!
Liar!
Liar! ♪
Totes for the Three Dog Night reference.
Yeah, I fisted him too.
Mom stuck the shiv in.
Don't mess with family reunion again, One L.
~
That must be one hell of a girdle.
FUPA or GTFO!
I bet she was actually choosing Secret Service nicknames for her and Marcus. Top Choices: "Arachnia" and "Gayslayer."
Is Michele Bachmann just Marcus Bachmann in a creepy mask and wig? Why do you ask?
http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lp…
My eyes! My eyes! My brain!
Ah, well, you haven't even begun to suffer!:
http://bachmanneyezed.tumblr.com/
(The Founding Fathers [4 pages in] is particularly nice – I intend to carry it around on a placard whenever Bachmann makes a campaign appearance nearby).
Nice!
It's interesting how many of the already scary/creepy folks don't really look much different, but the normally non-scary/creepy people are made absolutely demonic.
I stared at the IT clown for a full 5 seconds thinking they'd forgotten to photoshop it.
So which side of the fence does Justin Bieber fall? Oh, wait.
I was thinking the exact same thing. All the "not-humans" looked fine, too — Big Bird, ET, the Cookie Monster — the humans, at least the non-creepy humans — totes creepazoid.
The child pageant ones will rob me of a decent night's sleep for a week.
ZOMG. Where's the booze?
Curse you for that horrible image!
John Wayne Gacy? I shall have night terrors.
WARNING. DO NOT CLICK ON LINK IF YOU VALUE YOUR SIGHT, SANITY, OR SLEEP.
Michele & Marcus Bachmann – Minnesotans too horrible to contemplate.
At the Bachmann's fistfuls of magic mushroom are served with every meal.
Personally, I think she sent Marcus and the kids to the reunion and she went to meet one of the Koch brothers or Grover Norquist for some sekrit sexy time.
And I would hate to ever defend this … person, but hell, she's gotta get it SOMEwhere, no?
You do know that she's BFFs with that born-again ex-LesbianQueen, and they go *every*where together, right? I forget the woman's name. Joyce something? Boney, maybe?
Maybe, optimistic after her big straw poll victory, she was helping Marcus shop for his gown for the Inaugural Ball.
Nuh-uh, honey. Marcus does the shopping for both their clothes. Mishmash's too kraykray. She might suddenly decide the polka dots on his dress are pills, and try to eat them.
Bald faced lying? Well, I guess she is Presidential material!
You know, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this which she'll never reveal because she's too stubborn to admit she said something wrong.
You think after arguing with George Stephanopolus for 10 minutes over something as well documented as whether John Quincy Adams counted as a founding father, she's going to surrender on something as insignificant as where she was last Sunday?
Her followers are already at work on the Wikipedia page for her family reunion.
Migraines make the head grow harder.
In the film documenting Michele Bachmann's inevitable rise to power (working title: Triumph of the Shrill), it's pretty clear to me that Nathan Lane plays Marcus Bachmann. But who plays Michele?
Sandra Bullock in blazing blue contacts or nobody.
I don't know. Margot Kidder, while older, has the crazy down pat.
Or soft-core porn goddess Joan Severance?
Do I have to say NSFW?
Depends on where you work.
That actress who's played Erica Kane on All My Children for forever… fitted with the right color contact lenses. She's probably in her 60s but could pull off Shelly's look and demeanor admirably, I'd bet.
Shelly is knocking on the door of 60.
Nathan Lane in drag.
That's a great idea. Kind of like a political "Tootsie."
The kid (Tony Perkins) who cross-dressed in Hitchcock's "Psycho", natch. The cherry on top, he's gay. No, wait, he's dead… I got nuthin.
That homeless woman by Macy's downtown that screams and kicks pigons?
Jane Krakowski minus her awesome Farrah-hair.
Duh, Joan Collins.
I'm going with Kate Beckinsale, but I'd go with her in just about anything.
Give Michelle a break. She was at the reunion, she just didn't get out of the bus because she was busy working on her deepthroating technique for corndogs.
She didn't get off the bus because lesbians.
"Her spokeswoman, Alice Stewart, didn’t respond to two emails asking for an explanation of the disparity."
Well trained… there's a shot… speaking of shot… *gulp*
It's like Fight Club all over again. I could swear I saw them on the same stage together, but was it the hallucinogenic effects of my new skin lotion? Let's put them in the ring and finish this thing.
“Family Reunion” is Michele-speak for "I had a headache."
I have a suggestion for Wonkette and the rest of the media. Instead of putting pictures of Bachmann, Palin and Perry and making us vomit in the morning, how about keeping it to kittens. Kittens get better pageviews than Palin and they don't make you sick unless you're alergic.
Or porn. Lots of page views with porn.
Ok, that settles it: Kitten Porn!
Tee-Hee
"Pussy Shots"
So, there is pill-gobbling Michele, and knob-gobbling Marcus.
They sound like they wd be more fun to hang out with than they are. I usually enjoy the better living thru chemistry, pro-blow job set. Total bummer.
You make a good point.
On the bright side, Rick Perry said she would be "treated pretty ugly" if she ever came to Texas. Silly boy, she beat them to it.
I think that when you get Shelly you get Marcus too – a package deal. He tells her what to think after all.
At least she didn't say she was hiking the Appalachian trail.
GOP doesn't need debates, they need a circular firing squad.
Y'all are simply forgetting the essence of good evangelical spiritual warfare: Michele is wherever she says she is, doing whatever she says she's doing. Remember, she's not lying on the sofa watching The View and sucking down gin like it was water — she's fighting demons who are trying to stop The LORD from bringing all the good souls to heaven. And that's a fact.
This is like the whole Norman Bates thing where he dresses up like his mother from time to time. Just keep the entity away from knives when in drag.
But by being strong for her family, could she…lose it?
You can never lose your family, Michelle…
Just gotta love those Politico posters. After reading about this no-show at the family reunion they concluded that Obama is a liar.
that makes sense to me.
This is a gem:
hey Ben why don't you discuss something of importance, like the hundreds of white people,many liberal,and shopkeepers getting indiscriminately beat up by roving gangs of BLACK youth in their air jordan's. Your boy Obama is losing votes by the minute no matter what their politics. Your worried about a reunion. Water boy pompous jerk. Do you want to visit some of my liberal friends who were beat to a pulp because they were white.You elitist are ignoring something that people are ****ed about. At least Philly's mayor had the balls to address this. Where is the great uniter. At a fundraiser.I don't care if bozo runs against this clown
Posted By: libertarian lou | August 16, 2011 at 02:00 AM
Here's a message to the racist fuckhead, from one of the victims of the attack:
http://www.avclub.com/philadelphia/articles/flash…
A lot of people have posted comments with the classic “I’m not racist, but…” lead-in asking why the media is “scared” or “too politically correct” to report that all of the attackers were black and all of the victims were white. Well, you heard it here first: My boyfriend, whose forehead has an exact, terrifying imprint of a tennis-shoe sole on it, is not white, and is tired of people assuming he’s white because they want to see this as some sort of race war. And as I mentioned earlier, several other victims of this mob were also non-whites.
Yes, all of the kids I saw come after us were black.
But so were the girls in the group who were clearly not into the way the night was going and who screamed to warn us.
And so were the girls from Jersey who actually stopped their car and got out to help me while I was on the ground all busted up.
Will I probably be twitchy around large groups of young black men for a while? Yes. Does that substantiate the creepy racist bullshit that this incident seems to have attracted? No.
The negativity has been disheartening. From the evil kids who put me in the hospital, and who thought it would be fun or funny to beat the shit out of my friends to the people from Drudge, gleefully wondering how "the little white lib feels now," the experience has been a lesson in the depths humanity can fall to.
Yeah, where did this meme come from? I read a Yahoo poster bitching about 900 black youths were arrested this last weekend for rioting. Maybe I missed it, but I don't remember hearing anything about a riot in Chicago over the weekend.
Matt Drudge. He's been linking to stories every incidence of crime where the perpetrator is black and the victim is white, and lying and claiming that these mostly random crimes are all instead black men attacking white people because of race, and inventing this bullshit that there's been a wave of young black men waging a race war against white people ever since Obama's election. He's intentionally inciting racists, and it's despicable.
Michi as mini-me of Marcus, scary…
i would not think this is the most important michele story to be covering.
but maybe that's just me.
It was some confusing babble about the lights. Rick Perry had to have tungsten and she wanted HMI (always with the deer in the headlights look).
Afterall she introduced the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act which would create a world where only light bulbs could get abortions.
Bullshit is a helluva drug.
You know who ELSE skipped their family reunion so they could lie about it later?
Me?
That lone Donner kid?
The most lame thing about this is that she didn't have to say anything other than "Sorry I'm late, let's party" or whatever. Lying to excuse behavior that no one cares about shows a real commitment to dishonesty.
Translation by Fox News: "Bachmann shows commitment."
"Is Michele Bachmann Just Marcus Bachmann in a Creepy Mask and Wig?"
That's funny … I was just thinking the other day that Rick Warren, Marcus Bachmann and Michelle Bachmann were all the same person. Freaky!
You what's really adding to my appreciation of this story about Michele Bachmann? Reading it while hearing the rants of the Crazy Shouting Lady who sits on the planter in front of my building and yells incoherently in the general direction of the women's shelter down the block. She objects to all the whores and sluts, as well as the many unnamed others who seek to screw her over. Something about young girls hooking up with filthy old men, too.
I'm not sure if she serves as a complement or a contrast to Ms. Bachmann's milder pathology.
EDIT: Untreated mental illness is not really all that funny, actually.
Her reunion wasn't intended to be a factual event.
Poor Michele. Nothing makes a political career tougher than to have a chronic liar for a mom. Just ask Bristol. Or Bristol's spawn.
Given the way Michele gobbles up a corndog, I think it's the other way around: It's Marcus/Mary doing a fabulous impersonation of Michele/Michael.
Her excuse? "If I have to hear Marcus sing 'Clang Bang Clang Went the Trolley' one more time, I'm gonna puke!"
Why the hell would she want to get together with her lyin' mother, husband Gaylord and his latest boyfriend (er, client), the five kids and 4,829 foster children? She had only just escaped to Ames to avoid them. Too much potato salad gives you crazy eyes.
O/T but I suppose this is the next Tea Bagger tactic. Show up anywhere the President shows up and try to provoke a confrontation. http://news.yahoo.com/obama-spars-tea-party-activ…
Obama and Rhodes later engaged in an animated conversation as he greeted supporters on a rope line after the event, and the activist later told reporters that he believed that Obama was indeed a socialist.
So in spite of Barry trying to engage this guy in a reasoned, civil discussion, said Teabagger still kept his head firmly shoved up his ass because, yay, winning?
Wah wah, I'm all butthurt because Biden, in a private meeting, agreed with a comment that Tea Partiers in Congress were "acting like terrorists." Let's resolve the issue by me shouting questions out of turn and then telling reporters I think you're a socialist! Jesus fucking Christ.
So a Republican is nothing more tnan a lying sack of shit?
I'M SHOCKED, I TELL YOU. SHOCKED…
I've used shit like this as an excuse before, but it's always in future tense, ie: I'd love to help you move, but I've got a family reunion that weekend. Never as effective in the past tense, Miche1e…
I have to believe that Michele's unaccountable tardiness (besides providing a lying opportunity) and Lou Sarah's unaccountable presence in the area are linked; that these Secret Sisters were rubbing their moist dominions together in a frenzy of self-righteous satisfaction far from the mooing crowd.
Pics?
Maybe she went to the SECRET family reunion, the one at the undisclosed location for selected family members. Mom obvious has a big mouth and wasn't selected.
She was too busy deep throating foot longs?
She was there, but she's so irrelevant that nobody noticed.
Something tells me Michele had one of her famous "headaches," and gobbled too many pills this time.
Needz moar deep-throated corndogs.
This is the worst reboot of Mrs. Doubtfire I've ever seen.
Its hard to determine where you are when you're tripping face 24/7.
Why would we what t hire a liar for POTUS Michele?
Meh.
Yep. She's definitely suitable for my (home) office, if you know what I mean…
Indeed, I do.
It's the wide-set eyes that give her an appealing and predatory kind of lizard-y look.
Plus the boobs, natch.
I have a bi-weekly division meeting where I may have an opportunity to bust it out. Fingers crossed.
Be sure to report back. I'll need to uncross my fingers *some*time.
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