Is Michele Bachmann Just Marcus Bachmann in a Creepy Mask and Wig?

  halloween costumes gone awry

The many faces of Marcus Bachmann in drag.Notorious pill-gobbling serial fabricator Michele Bachmann made up a stupid lie about how she went to her family reunion in Iowa and then made excuses to the press when she was late for everything that day on account of attending the reunion, which she did not attend. Klassy! Or did she? All we know is that Michele Bachmann says she was there, Michele Bachmann’s mother says that only Marcus was there, ergo: Michele Bachmann is just Marcus Bachmann in a girdle and a gnarly rubber mask, which makes “sense” in a spine-tingling way. Best/worst Republican drag queen outfit since Rudy Giuliani, is our vote!

OH FINE, here is the SCOOP from POLITICO:

On her victory lap of Iowa yesterday, Straw Poll winner Rep. Michele Bachmann paid repeated tribute to her local roots, and repeatedly mentioned her family reunion that day, citing it as an excuse for her late arrival at a local party event in Waterloo.

But Bachmann’s mother and two cousins told POLITICO’s Emily Schultheis that Bachmann didn’t attend the reunion, though her husband and children did. Her spokeswoman, Alice Stewart, didn’t respond to two emails asking for an explanation of the disparity.

Bachmann told Chris Wallace on “Fox News Sunday” that same morning that she was looking forward to the reunion.

“We’re having a big family reunion today in northeastern Iowa so I’ll get to go and see all my relatives,” she said.

That pretty much proves our theory. Amazing what a good makeup artist on fistfuls of LSD can do these days. [POLITICO]

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245 comments

    1. DaSandman

      That whole idiotic concept always makes be wonder one thing? Who the fuck are these mouthbreathers praying to? Baal?

    1. MLHencken

      So good, its scary. You should hear the man doing Gershwin. And by that I mean when he is having sex with a rentboy named Frederick T. Gershwin.

  1. Come here a minute

    You can't expect anyone to remember who was or wasn't there, with all the wild corndogging that was happening.

    1. memzilla

      Shame that it's not a federal farm subsidy that gets killed every time. That would really hurt.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        What do you think those kids are? Michele gets 30 free, non-taxable dollars A DAY for every foster child she has. They're her biggest socialist cash cow.

    2. PristinePantalones

      I get the feeling you shouldna told her that. Any report on number of deaths in MN today?

  2. Weenus299

    Both were borne from the gut of Rush Limbaugh; maybe they're identical twins who share the same costume.

  3. baconzgood

    Bachmann's Mother: Now are you sure you told her it was at the park and not at Uncle John's house?

    Bachmann's Father: Yes I did dear. 5 times.

    Bachmann's Mother: All right as long as you told her it was at the park at 3 so she'll be there. Now let's go to Uncle John's house and see the family.

      1. Preferred Customer

        To badly misquote Churchill, I fear that this is not the end, or even the beginning of the end, but perhaps only the end of the beginning.

    1. natoslug

      Yes, but did he call her a traitor for not showing up at her own family reunion, shortly before seceding from them himself? Now that's Perry-Style.

      I'd think Perry would actually be a great guest for reunions, weddings or whatever. You're pretty much guaranteed that it won't rain if he's there.

          1. PristinePantalones

            Goddammit. I don't have any olives, and I'm fresh out of root beer. Would you settle for "horked up a loogie"?

    1. fuflans

      i think anyone who can work up a greek tragedy reference for the bachmans deserves comment of the day.

  4. MissusBarry

    This is exactly the kind of leadership our country needs…somebody who lies about going to a family reunion to excuse tardiness. The thing is, I'm not sure I can stomach finding out what actually prompted her lateness. My brain is unwilling to contemplate, even for the fun of snarking.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        These people don't recognize the Great Deceiver, even when he is riding their bungholes with corn syrup lube. Rick Perry sands down his horns twice daily, also.

        1. MissusBarry

          "These people don't recognize the Great Deceiver, even when he is riding their bungholes with corn syrup lube."

          This is a beautiful piece of wordsmithing. I hope to be able to work it into my daily vernacular.

          1. PristinePantalones

            I keep trying to figure out how and where I can use it for maximum effectiveness. Company picnic? General meeting?

          2. MissusBarry

            I have a bi-weekly division meeting where I may have an opportunity to bust it out. Fingers crossed.

  5. WhatTheHolyHeck

    So the run-screaming-from-the-bathroom-lesbians thingy was actually a clever ruse to disguise the fact that gayMarcus . . . wait, I'm lost now.

    Help a sister out?

  6. freddymcmurray

    They can't be the same person… Michelle got her training from Oral Roberts. Marcus got his training from "anal Robert".

    1. chicken_thief

      I agree. They clearly are not the same person. According to Iowa legend, Michele has a much bigger cock.

    2. petehammer

      It was actually anal RobertS. Robert Garmine and Robert Franklin. Alternating Saturdays. You can read about it in Marcus' book, "The Man Inside Me."

  7. Dr_Zoidberg

    Well, with all the tribute she had to pay to Satan for her win in the straw poll, there just wasn't time for family reunions.

          1. jus_wonderin

            Ya know, that could explain the crazy eyes given all that close up detail work she'd have to do.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Hey, that's Satan Libel, dammit!

        And she didn't pay me any tribute … the dumb bitch bought those concert tickets from Telecharge (even though they charge twice the "service fee" that I do!)

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          So Telecharge: Officially twice as bad as Satan. That's about right. Nice to finally have it quantified.

  8. ThundercatHo

    She was really sneaking around the back of the parking lot letting the air out of Sarah Palin's bus tires. Oh, and having mercy sex with T-Paw.

  9. Goonemeritus

    Hey I skip the occasional family reunion myself. I find the shrine to Benito Mussolini a little off putting.

  10. FakaktaSouth

    Oooh I bet she had a headache…

    Also this is the first instance of this bitch not getting away with a lie. "I am a job creator" "I understand the constitution" "My husband LOVES to fuck me…" on and on…

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    It was the Dicken's Cider. She always liked the Dicken's Cider can. Its a big little can.

  12. HistoriCat

    Maybe there's no Marcus Bachmann … Michele roams the streets dressed as a man, trying desperately to convince gay men to pray away the gay. Probably made up this Marcus persona because her family kept asking her when she was going to settle down and get married. She just forgot that she was dressed as Marcus when she went to the reunion.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    "On her victory lap of Iowa yesterday, Straw Poll winner Rep. Michele Bachmann paid repeated tribute to her local roots, "

    How about we just let her be president of Iowa?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Strange thing do do, considering that she's pretty damned unattractive when her roots are showing.

  14. MLHencken

    GOP/Teatard family values: blowing off hanging out with your actual relatives to bask in the adulation of people you claim to share common cause with, but actually cannot stand.

    And then go on TV and lie about it.

  15. Trannysurprise

    "She" only goes to "her" family reunions as a man.

    Trust me, some family members get upset when you accidentally have one too many 32oz martini's, put on your best drag, and fall out of the back of Uncle Fester's pickup truck while performing a fabulous version of "I'm going down."

    It's almost like they don't even want entertainment at these events.

  16. Arken

    Of course she didn't attend! She had a debilitating migraine and couldn't- oops, forget I said that.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      The difference is subtle:

      Lying = statements that will advance her career ambitions
      Truth = statements that will advance her career ambitions

    2. deanbooth

      She does, but doesn't care; which, by definition, is Bullshit.

      "Bullshitters seek to convey a certain impression of themselves without being concerned about whether anything at all is true."

  17. Tundra Grifter

    Just how old was Ole Crazy Eyes when her family moved away from Iowa? A few weeks? Months? Even if it years, so what?

    Although in her case birth to 2 might just be the most formative period of her life.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    ♫ Ain't that what you said?
    Ain't that what you said?
    Ain't that what you say?
    Liar!
    Liar!
    Liar! ♪

  19. CapeClod

    I bet she was actually choosing Secret Service nicknames for her and Marcus. Top Choices: "Arachnia" and "Gayslayer."

        1. MissusBarry

          It's interesting how many of the already scary/creepy folks don't really look much different, but the normally non-scary/creepy people are made absolutely demonic.

          1. PristinePantalones

            I was thinking the exact same thing. All the "not-humans" looked fine, too — Big Bird, ET, the Cookie Monster — the humans, at least the non-creepy humans — totes creepazoid.

  20. Terry

    Personally, I think she sent Marcus and the kids to the reunion and she went to meet one of the Koch brothers or Grover Norquist for some sekrit sexy time.

      1. PristinePantalones

        You do know that she's BFFs with that born-again ex-LesbianQueen, and they go *every*where together, right? I forget the woman's name. Joyce something? Boney, maybe?

  21. smitallica

    Maybe, optimistic after her big straw poll victory, she was helping Marcus shop for his gown for the Inaugural Ball.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Nuh-uh, honey. Marcus does the shopping for both their clothes. Mishmash's too kraykray. She might suddenly decide the polka dots on his dress are pills, and try to eat them.

  22. BarackMyWorld

    You know, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this which she'll never reveal because she's too stubborn to admit she said something wrong.

    You think after arguing with George Stephanopolus for 10 minutes over something as well documented as whether John Quincy Adams counted as a founding father, she's going to surrender on something as insignificant as where she was last Sunday?

  23. Preferred Customer

    In the film documenting Michele Bachmann's inevitable rise to power (working title: Triumph of the Shrill), it's pretty clear to me that Nathan Lane plays Marcus Bachmann. But who plays Michele?

          1. V572 T-Blow

            It's the wide-set eyes that give her an appealing and predatory kind of lizard-y look.

            Plus the boobs, natch.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      That actress who's played Erica Kane on All My Children for forever… fitted with the right color contact lenses. She's probably in her 60s but could pull off Shelly's look and demeanor admirably, I'd bet.

    2. ttommyunger

      The kid (Tony Perkins) who cross-dressed in Hitchcock's "Psycho", natch. The cherry on top, he's gay. No, wait, he's dead… I got nuthin.

  24. hagajim

    Give Michelle a break. She was at the reunion, she just didn't get out of the bus because she was busy working on her deepthroating technique for corndogs.

  25. DaRooster

    "Her spokeswoman, Alice Stewart, didn’t respond to two emails asking for an explanation of the disparity."

    Well trained… there's a shot… speaking of shot… *gulp*

  26. fletc3her

    It's like Fight Club all over again. I could swear I saw them on the same stage together, but was it the hallucinogenic effects of my new skin lotion? Let's put them in the ring and finish this thing.

  27. johnnyzhivago

    I have a suggestion for Wonkette and the rest of the media. Instead of putting pictures of Bachmann, Palin and Perry and making us vomit in the morning, how about keeping it to kittens. Kittens get better pageviews than Palin and they don't make you sick unless you're alergic.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      They sound like they wd be more fun to hang out with than they are. I usually enjoy the better living thru chemistry, pro-blow job set. Total bummer.

  28. ttommyunger

    On the bright side, Rick Perry said she would be "treated pretty ugly" if she ever came to Texas. Silly boy, she beat them to it.

  29. neiltheblaze

    I think that when you get Shelly you get Marcus too – a package deal. He tells her what to think after all.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    Y'all are simply forgetting the essence of good evangelical spiritual warfare: Michele is wherever she says she is, doing whatever she says she's doing. Remember, she's not lying on the sofa watching The View and sucking down gin like it was water — she's fighting demons who are trying to stop The LORD from bringing all the good souls to heaven. And that's a fact.

  31. Duly_Noted

    This is like the whole Norman Bates thing where he dresses up like his mother from time to time. Just keep the entity away from knives when in drag.

  32. Native_of_SL_UT

    Just gotta love those Politico posters. After reading about this no-show at the family reunion they concluded that Obama is a liar.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      This is a gem:

      hey Ben why don't you discuss something of importance, like the hundreds of white people,many liberal,and shopkeepers getting indiscriminately beat up by roving gangs of BLACK youth in their air jordan's. Your boy Obama is losing votes by the minute no matter what their politics. Your worried about a reunion. Water boy pompous jerk. Do you want to visit some of my liberal friends who were beat to a pulp because they were white.You elitist are ignoring something that people are ****ed about. At least Philly's mayor had the balls to address this. Where is the great uniter. At a fundraiser.I don't care if bozo runs against this clown

      Posted By: libertarian lou | August 16, 2011 at 02:00 AM

      1. SorosBot

        Here's a message to the racist fuckhead, from one of the victims of the attack:
        http://www.avclub.com/philadelphia/articles/flash

        A lot of people have posted comments with the classic “I’m not racist, but…” lead-in asking why the media is “scared” or “too politically correct” to report that all of the attackers were black and all of the victims were white. Well, you heard it here first: My boyfriend, whose forehead has an exact, terrifying imprint of a tennis-shoe sole on it, is not white, and is tired of people assuming he’s white because they want to see this as some sort of race war. And as I mentioned earlier, several other victims of this mob were also non-whites.

        Yes, all of the kids I saw come after us were black.

        But so were the girls in the group who were clearly not into the way the night was going and who screamed to warn us.

        And so were the girls from Jersey who actually stopped their car and got out to help me while I was on the ground all busted up.

        Will I probably be twitchy around large groups of young black men for a while? Yes. Does that substantiate the creepy racist bullshit that this incident seems to have attracted? No.

        The negativity has been disheartening. From the evil kids who put me in the hospital, and who thought it would be fun or funny to beat the shit out of my friends to the people from Drudge, gleefully wondering how "the little white lib feels now," the experience has been a lesson in the depths humanity can fall to.

      2. GOPCrusher

        Yeah, where did this meme come from? I read a Yahoo poster bitching about 900 black youths were arrested this last weekend for rioting. Maybe I missed it, but I don't remember hearing anything about a riot in Chicago over the weekend.

        1. SorosBot

          Matt Drudge. He's been linking to stories every incidence of crime where the perpetrator is black and the victim is white, and lying and claiming that these mostly random crimes are all instead black men attacking white people because of race, and inventing this bullshit that there's been a wave of young black men waging a race war against white people ever since Obama's election. He's intentionally inciting racists, and it's despicable.

  33. fuflans

    i would not think this is the most important michele story to be covering.

    but maybe that's just me.

  34. James Michael Curley

    It was some confusing babble about the lights. Rick Perry had to have tungsten and she wanted HMI (always with the deer in the headlights look).

    Afterall she introduced the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act which would create a world where only light bulbs could get abortions.

  35. donner_froh

    The most lame thing about this is that she didn't have to say anything other than "Sorry I'm late, let's party" or whatever. Lying to excuse behavior that no one cares about shows a real commitment to dishonesty.

  36. randcoolcatdaddy

    "Is Michele Bachmann Just Marcus Bachmann in a Creepy Mask and Wig?"

    That's funny … I was just thinking the other day that Rick Warren, Marcus Bachmann and Michelle Bachmann were all the same person. Freaky!

  37. Doktor Zoom

    You what's really adding to my appreciation of this story about Michele Bachmann? Reading it while hearing the rants of the Crazy Shouting Lady who sits on the planter in front of my building and yells incoherently in the general direction of the women's shelter down the block. She objects to all the whores and sluts, as well as the many unnamed others who seek to screw her over. Something about young girls hooking up with filthy old men, too.

    I'm not sure if she serves as a complement or a contrast to Ms. Bachmann's milder pathology.

    EDIT: Untreated mental illness is not really all that funny, actually.

  38. JustPixelz

    Given the way Michele gobbles up a corndog, I think it's the other way around: It's Marcus/Mary doing a fabulous impersonation of Michele/Michael.

  39. stew1

    Her excuse? "If I have to hear Marcus sing 'Clang Bang Clang Went the Trolley' one more time, I'm gonna puke!"

  40. owhatever

    Why the hell would she want to get together with her lyin' mother, husband Gaylord and his latest boyfriend (er, client), the five kids and 4,829 foster children? She had only just escaped to Ames to avoid them. Too much potato salad gives you crazy eyes.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Obama and Rhodes later engaged in an animated conversation as he greeted supporters on a rope line after the event, and the activist later told reporters that he believed that Obama was indeed a socialist.

      So in spite of Barry trying to engage this guy in a reasoned, civil discussion, said Teabagger still kept his head firmly shoved up his ass because, yay, winning?

    2. imissopus

      Wah wah, I'm all butthurt because Biden, in a private meeting, agreed with a comment that Tea Partiers in Congress were "acting like terrorists." Let's resolve the issue by me shouting questions out of turn and then telling reporters I think you're a socialist! Jesus fucking Christ.

  41. AJWjr.

    I've used shit like this as an excuse before, but it's always in future tense, ie: I'd love to help you move, but I've got a family reunion that weekend. Never as effective in the past tense, Miche1e…

  42. SenileAgitation

    I have to believe that Michele's unaccountable tardiness (besides providing a lying opportunity) and Lou Sarah's unaccountable presence in the area are linked; that these Secret Sisters were rubbing their moist dominions together in a frenzy of self-righteous satisfaction far from the mooing crowd.

  43. Slim_Pickins

    Maybe she went to the SECRET family reunion, the one at the undisclosed location for selected family members. Mom obvious has a big mouth and wasn't selected.

  44. PristinePantalones

    Something tells me Michele had one of her famous "headaches," and gobbled too many pills this time.

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