John Boehner's Office Swarmed By Death Robots, Fake Bombs

Socialist government pensioners "the police" had to swing by the office of radioactive skin cancer stick John Boehner after someone spotted three rogue suitcases at the door with signs taped to the front of them saying, "jobs" and "oil" and "gas." But, uh, NO FEAR: the sassy little Mars Rover that the Ohio bomb squad bought from some NASA Ebay auction used its "alien kill command" to blow up the suitcases, which had no explosives in them, hooray. Everyone is saved from the terror of free "jobs" and "oil," forever. WHO PURPERTRATED THIS INFAMY?

Nobody knows! And that is the most exciting part of this mysterious "mad suitcase protest terror scare," which is very boring but eh, we are glad nobody got hurt. There is no information in the report on whether the words "jobs" or "oil" were even spelled correctly, so we have literally nothing to go on here. Here is the video, which for some dumb reason cannot be embedded.

From the AP:  

Briefcases with handwritten signs attached were left at the front door of U.S. House Speaker John Boehner’s (BAY’-nurz) Ohio office, bringing out a bomb squad.

Investigators in the Cincinnati suburb of West Chester tell multiple media outlets that the bomb squad blew the cases apart on Sunday and found they contained only papers. No one was hurt.

WCPO-TV reports the signs were on colored paper and included messages with the words “jobs,” ‘’oil” and “gas.” A West Chester officer on patrol first noticed the briefcases outside the Republican congressman’s office late Sunday morning.

Haha, BAY-nurz. We have always liked BOH-nerz better, but that is a nice, close second-place. [ AP / CBS ]