the invisible man

Fictional ‘Tim Pawlenty’ GOP Candidate Quits Presidential Race

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

The Invisible Man.Bland cheese curd/make-believe Republican candidate Tim Pawlenty ended his candidacy today in a desperate bid to convince voters he had been running for the GOP nomination. As his announcement came on a Sunday morning when news editors were at their orgy mansions in the Hamptons and regular GOP voters were sleeping off their oxycontin in church, the move did little to combat the reality that Tim Pawlenty doesn’t even exist.

The Christian Science Monitor mentions Pawlenty’s exit in passing, in this article that’s ostensibly about Tim Pawlenty quitting the 2012 race:

Candidates who go all-in but fall well short in Ames typically find it difficult to raise money, and without personal wealth to fall back on, Mr. Pawlenty decided to cut his losses and bow out. In addition, the entry of Texas Gov. Rick Perry into the race Saturday, combined with Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll, has shifted the focus to their expected battle for the hearts and minds of conservatives.

Good-bye, what’s his name! Hello, crazee lady and guy who was Al Gore’s former campaign manager and who also is hated by God. [CSM]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Come here a minute

    T-paw, we hardly knew . . . hmm, why are there no new Wonkette posts this weekend?

    • One_who_wanders

      Union rules!

      • arihaya

        Union of Wonkette Writers? whose secretary, spokesperson and chairman are all held by KBJ ?

        • riverside68

          ahh, but the power lies with the Treasurer!

          Where are the pension funds invested?

    • Negropolis

      Huh? There were two weekend posts, which is two more than what we usually get.

  • nounverb911

    Now little Timmy has time to come over to my place and mow the lawn.

    • flamingpdog

      Just don't let him fall down the well like he always does.

      • PristinePantalones

        I think one of the Palins might have tied moose antlers to his ass, just in case.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      hilarious, I was just listening to Randi Rhodes play this exact moment in the Repig *debate* (but soesn't Mittens have enough Messican mowing the lawn already, and for a lot less than T-Paw would do it?)

  • not that Dewey
    • anniegetyerfun

      I see what you did there.

    • AJWjr.

      Another cartoon I missed because I was too old or not high enough.

      • not that Dewey

        I was too old, but exactly high enough!

    • flamingpdog
    • PristinePantalones

      That was just … (wipes tear) … fucking beautiful.

  • Blendergoathead

    Who?

    • nounverb911

      Whom?

      • politics_nerd

        what.

        • DashboardBuddha

          Where…and why?

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            McCain is running again?

          • Swampgas_Man

            You know, that guy, whassisface.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wasn't he a governor, or a mayor, or something? I seem to remember…. nah…

      Say, what's for lunch?

      • nounverb911

        Corndogs?

        • riverside68

          That's what she said!

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Hitler.

      Is this the right thread?

      • flamingpdog

        OH, is he jumping into the race now?

        • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

          He's always been in the running for the GOP nomination, in spirit, at least.

      • user-of-owls

        You know who else asked that?

        • Radiotherapy®

          Rudolph Hess?

        • Geminisunmars

          Betsy Ross?

        • PristinePantalones

          Lieh-ning. (Lenin, for you non-Chinese).

      • PristinePantalones

        "Hitler" is an appropriate answer for >50% of the questions asked on any thread.

  • FannyBurney

    And in other news, Sarah Palin, who was actually in Iowa, unlike Rick Perry, apparently got fewer write-in votes in the straw poll than Thaddeus McCotter, who got 35 votes. I guess that explains why, when Sean Hannity asked the crowd if they wanted Palin to run, the crowd screamed, "Shit, no!"

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    He didn't suck on corndogs enough.

    • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

      He shoulda gone for two corndogs at one time, but I think he was worried about how Marcus would have reacted to that kind of provocation

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    A bridge too far for timmeh

    • nounverb911

      Needs more infrastructure.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        This is what happens when you don't invest in your infrastructure.

    • Negropolis

      And, now the bridge is at the bottom of the Mississippi. Too soon?

  • politics_nerd

    God doesn't hate Rick Perry, He just wishes he would shut the fuck up. Also, the internets have officially decided to refer to him as Rick W. Perry, forever, for obvious reasons.

    • Limeylizzie

      Wanker?

      • flamingpdog

        Walker, as in G. Walker Bushboy.

        • Limeylizzie

          Oh, got it!

      • user-of-owls

        Waleed?

        • Limeylizzie

          Wolfgang?

  • LetUsBray

    T-Paw, we hardly knew ye. And that was how we liked it.

  • arihaya

    well to be honest, he had no more chance to win GOP nomination than Walter Mondale ..

    • Negropolis

      WIN

  • user-of-owls

    T-P'wned

    • comrad_darkness

      That's like T'Powed, only with a sharper alien weapon.

      • PristinePantalones

        Or T'Pau'ed maybe?

  • http://wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

    I, for one, will miss the fake Yosemite Sam accent. Guess he was looking ahead at attack ads involving collapsing interstate bridges and seeing nothing but fail in his future.

  • arihaya

    also the crazy part is,, that flabby marshmallow man Newt Gingrich is still "running"

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Stay Puft knows not shame or reality. I hope he keeps running… for the comedy

    • berkeleyfarm

      Same with Frothy Lube Dude. Prolly thinks "Tim's out, I have a chance to move up".

    • flamingpdog

      Still has a deficit problem to resolve at Tiffany's.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      "waddling" more accurately describes that pathetic excuse for a human.

    • Nothingisamiss

      There's money and/or poontang in it for him somewhere.

    • PristinePantalones

      Isn't Santorum still running also too? (Ugh.)

  • Naked_Bunny

    I am also formally declaring my withdrawal from the GOP presidential race. I hope that my devoted supporters will turn their support to the eventual nominee, after I clean their litter box.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Cats are your friend for life, as long as you keep feeding them.

      • flamingpdog

        Same way with politicians, only they eat money.

        • the_problem_child

          My cats eat money. I don't know what you're feeding yours, but pound for pound, their diet is far more expensive than mine.

          • PristinePantalones

            Fortunately, the poundage is less. But, yes. They're obligate carnivores, whereas we humble omnivores need a fairly large vege-fruit-grain component in our diets if we're not to have the concrete shits for the rest of our lives. And pound-for-pound, meat is more expensive to grow.

  • Guppy06

    That devilishly handsome gentleman in the picture looks familiar…

    • Naked_Bunny

      Your evil twin, perhaps?

      • AJWjr.

        But with better hair, which is the most important atribute for a GeeOhPee candidate.

      • Guppy06

        An opportunity for incest, homosexuality, and masturbation all at once?

        • Nothingisamiss

          I don' know why I upfisted that.

  • hollywooddood

    Wait…Pawlenty was running? I didn't even have time to yawn in his direction.

    • Naked_Bunny

      It was more of a quiet mosey.

  • x111e7thst

    I know that unlike the rest of the Repuke field, which specializes in screaming and foaming, Pawlenty actually had a few semi-coherent things to say, but I can't for the life of me remember what those things were.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    It's remarkable how Palin, a dimwitted flake who's not running, gets 10,000,000,000 times the attention and publicity of a guy who's actually trying to be a candidate. He must be scratching his head, wondering what the hell happened.

    • hollywooddood

      It's all in the tits.

      • AJWjr.

        If he'd have invested in implants instead of air time, he'd have been a shoe-in.

      • ttommyunger

        Not so; Newt would be the front runner if that were the case.

        • WIDTAP

          So apparently it's all in the lactating.

          • riverside68

            I think helps to have/be a cunt

          • PristinePantalones

            That would certainly explain the popularity of Palin, Bachmann, and Perry.

          • ttommyunger

            Well, Calista does the licktating, Newtie does the lactating. Palin, on the other hand, does the dicktaking.

          • flamingpdog

            Judging by the state fair pics, Michele does the "dick"tasting.

          • ttommyunger

            Photographic evidence notwithstanding, I doubt one has ever crossed her (shudder) lips.

          • PristinePantalones

            Yeah, she doesn't look like she quite knows how to handle that thang, does she?

          • ttommyunger

            Fer sure don't look like she's enjoying it. Should have let Marcus have it.

          • PristinePantalones

            You so bad I can't stop laughing. Didja see the expression on *his* face when he took it from her?

          • ttommyunger

            I try to avert my eyes to avoid damage to the retinas.

      • http://www.deathwishcreeps.com/about/ Comrade Wingtard

        With Republicans? You'd think a really hot twink could just walk away with the repuke nomination …

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Especially one with good hair and a hard-on for Jeebus, from Texas.

      • PristinePantalones

        Great. Now we can look forward to a PeopleofWalMartesque shot of Timmeh TeaPawz in a bra with tits. Hairy little tits.

    • arihaya

      boobs happened

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      She's 10 billion times the man he is.

    • not that Dewey

      That's simply because the "gotcha lamestream media" is "out to get her" and "won't give her a chance". See?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The MSM is "getting" her about as well as the Dems are "negotiating" with the GOPtards.

        Same problem: Like the 9-11 "truthers" and the UFO/ESP/sasquatch/alien fanatics, they've achieved a level of stupidity that's beyond the reach of mere scorn. Every bit of ridicule that the world heaps upon them is just more proof that they're right.

        • rambone

          Don't be raggin' on Sasquatch! Ann Coulter earned her column fair and square.

    • fuflans

      and cursing mccain.

      along with much of the rest of amerca.

      • glamourdammerung

        Like a lot of folks with Vietnam POW/MIA family members, I despised McCain before it was trendy.

        • PristinePantalones

          Yeah, there's a whole 'nuther side to that "war hero" that most of Amurkkka hasn't even heard of.

          • glamourdammerung

            If that "liberal media" reported the news, would it still be news?

          • PristinePantalones

            Sigh. Damn that "librul mejyuh," I wish they'd show up.

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    Finally. The first of the GOP candidates to truly show some true leadership skills. May the rest quickly follow.

  • DashboardBuddha

    The dream is dead.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      If only because the perennial cure for insomnia has just exited the race.

      • nappyduggs

        Yeah, I was gonna say it was bored to death.

  • SexySmurf

    Pawlenty graciously thanked his supporter and said he now looks forward to spending more time boring his family.

  • emmelemm

    The real puzzler is how Ms. Crazycakes keeps winning these "straw poll" thing-ys. If anyone in America can look at Michele Bachmann and think, "Well, there's a Presidential candidate", we are well and truly lost.

    • DoktorThompson

      Iowans have a subtle sense of humor.

    • PristinePantalones

      In order to vote in the Ames straw poll, you must be 18 or over, have a pulse, and pay $30 for a ticket. (The candidate will pay for you, if you will vote for them.) The candidates bus in their supporters – Bachmann had over one dozen buses full, apparently, and she fed them "roast beef sundaes" (my new obsession — it's the ultimate culinary low). Herman Cain had four buses. Now do you see how it goes? They buy the votes, and MishMash BatShitKrayZMann had more money to throw around than most anybody but Ron Paul. So, that's who won. In that order.

  • Blendergoathead

    Dear "barrybarrydisease,"

    Although I'm flattered in that "oh my, my Sunday morning hangover-induced one-word tossed-off comment must seem intelligent and dangerous to teatards" sort of way, you're wasting your time. There are many more bags of salted poison dicks on the internet you can eat.

    • LetUsBray

      I've been wondering: If a teatard cyberstalks us but can't post and can't downfist, what the fuck is the point? This isn't a rhetorical question; I truly don't understand this brain-damaged freak's issue.

    • http://www.deathwishcreeps.com/about/ Comrade Wingtard

      Yeah I caught barrybarrydisease too.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Is this more of that "following" nonsense? I think it's just his way of shitting in your inbox… hilarious, if you're about 11 years old.

        • Cicada

          You get emails when someone follows you? I'm really glad I used a junk email for my commenting account now.

          Edit: Apparently you can disable the follower notifications on your ID account settings.

          • flamingpdog

            Do you get p for following people? I think Spanky2b has notified me that he's following me 3, maybe 4 times now.

          • Cicada

            I don't know, but I'm not surprised that a golden showers enthusiast like Spanky would be obsessed with p.

          • PristinePantalones

            He stopped following me after I started aggressively following him back, but I was being followed/unfollowed several times a day at one point. Seems pretty ineffective and silly, and if that's what he wants to do …

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            "Apparently you can disable the follower notifications on your ID account settings. "

            Done.

            Mwa-ha-haaaa! Eat my smegma, spanky.

    • fuflans

      me too!

      i think they think we're scared of them for some reason or other probably involving cheeto's and mom's basement.

    • glamourdammerung

      Impotent, unthinking rage is the calling card of a real conservative at this point.

      Silly Breitards, thinking that being an ass merely for the sake of it somehow is a valid political stance.

  • ttommyunger

    Well, on the bright side he can grow his Mullet back and quit pretending to jones for his hot wife.

    • PristinePantalones

      His wife is hot? Nobody tells me these things!

  • Steverino247

    Don't let the bridge hit you in the ass on the way out!

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    What's up with this blank post???

  • widget2011

    Now all we have to deal with Nobel Laureate, serial womanizer, and self loathing homosexual Rick Perry out. We can't wait for god to smite him, because we know if you shit in one hand, while waiting for god to smite him on the other, what will happen. If the lazy media would get off their collective asses, they could probably bury this sad-sack of human feces by the end of 2011. But we know that ain't going to happen, as a matter of fact, I think it's far more likely his wife commits suicide before we can get the lazy-assed media off their arses.

    Since all of Rick's public praying for rain since APRIL, just look how many drops have fallen.

    • flamingpdog

      More drops of Santorum have fallen than drops of Perry rain.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yeah, wait for the presidential debate, where someone can ask him if, as president, he's going to call a prayer meeting whenever the going gets tough. That'll impress the average non-teatard voter.

  • gullywompr

    The bitch set him up.

    • AJWjr.

      Just to watch him fall.

    • riverside68

      needs mor crack

    • Negropolis

      Mary-and-Berry Libel!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Santorum, Cain, Gingrich, Huntsman and McCotter should be encouraged that they finished behind a loser that no one wanted to vote for.

    • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

      Yea, its not a good sign when no one is concerned about your humiliating defeat because they were expecting it all along

    • mumbly_joe

      Right, but what does Mitt Romney have to do with anything?

    • PristinePantalones

      Didn't McCotter get all of 35 votes? I'd quit if I wuz him before it gets even MOAR embarrassing.

  • gullywompr

    He's dropping out? But I thought Generic Republican was the only guy leading in the polls?

    • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

      He should have just officially changed his name to that

  • philpjfry

    I guess it makes perfect sense. The most meaningless candidate drops out after a meaningless straw poll

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    First we had Dubbya, now I35Dubbya. The Rs seem to have this thing with the 23rd letter of the alphabet.

    Given that Michele is Daffy Duck, obvs, Perry has claimed the Yosemite Sam mantle, and Ron Paul will soon be giving the Porky Pig "Th th th that's all folks," who will become the wascally wabbit and claim the beloved W? Mmmm, does Mittens rabbit furry suit hiding in his closet? He seems to be a bunny hop kinda guy.

    • AJWjr.

      M for Mittens, just an upside-down W.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm pretty sure that Romney is Elmer Fudd, Millionaire. He owns a mansion and a yacht.

      • flamingpdog

        A yacht? If only Thurston Romney III could go on a "three-hour tour".

      • HarryButtle

        Elmer J Fudd…the middle initial makes it believable. Mittens J Romney. See?

    • HarryButtle

      Wabbit season! Duck season!

    • PristinePantalones

      Is "bunny hop" some kinda code for "likes to eat GINORMOUS corn dogs in public"?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Excellent picture of Pawlenty at the top of the post–catches the real T-Paw to perfection.

    • Radiotherapy®

      From gritty South St. Paul.
      I has a little sadz that this is probably the last time I can use that joke.

      • flamingpdog

        "South St. Paul, an All-American City, is located just south of Saint Paul".

        Well, I'm sure glad they explained that one for us.

  • abelilnkinverb

    What's the over under on Newt being next?

    • nounverb911

      3 to 2 Newt gets a new wife before he concedes.

    • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

      So long as there is even a penny left to grift or a rube left to bilk, Newt will be there

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      As long as there is something fried to eat on the campaign trail, Newt will be there.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Newt Gingrich: Too high to get over, to low to go under.

    • flamingpdog

      What are Callista's thoughts about being over or under Newt?

    • Negropolis

      It'll be Huntsman before Newt, 'cause Newt's ego is just too damned big.

  • riverside68

    Al Gore's campaign manager? WT double F fuck?

    Wonkette: come for the butt sex, leave with an improved trivial index!

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      With Gore's talent of picking the likes of Lieberman and Rick Perry to high positions in his campaigns, it's no wonder he's been delegated to growing random beards and doing book tours.

      Al "Is the objection signed by a member of the Senate?" Gore. Thanks for leaving us to the tender mercies of Chimpy, Chumpy. You always will be remembered as the wussiest of the Democrats.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      To be completely accurate, he was Gore's campaign chair in Texas during the '88 primaries. And Dukakis actually won the Texas primary. By 2000 Perry was Lt. Governor of Texas and in line to assume the governorship if W. won the election, so I don't think he'd have been managing Gore's campaign then.

      EDIT: Didn't know this part, but he was originally elected to the Texas State Legislature as a Dem. Apparently he didn't switch parties until '89.

      • 102415

        Oh, good. He's toast. It will be Ron Paul and The Crazy Bitch and Mittens. My money is on The Crazy Bitch.

        • Geminisunmars

          Which crazy bitch? Bachmann, Palin, or Callista?

          • 102415

            Sorry, I don't know how to make the trade mark sign. That would be Shelly Bachmann. She won the title from that Texas woman we called Dracula or something. Did you catch the shoes she had on with that white suit? most of the photos chopped her off at the knees.

          • Geminisunmars

            Can't find. Do you have a link?

          • 102415

            Now I can't find either. Her standing in doorway of bus waving the jazz hands. Black strappy gladiator heels with the white suit.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    So with Timmy out and Ricky in, does this mean the Repug primary will now be played as a first person shooter?

  • henrypuppyhead

    Pawlenty had to drop out because he couldn't compete with Bachman, the pioneer of "Minnesota Crazy".

    I'm guessing there's a lot of anal sex in the Bachman's relationship. Might explain all the foster children.

  • LetUsBray

    T-Paw got to the quitting before Palin even officially started. Now that's some Mid-western efficiency.

  • pinkocommi

    Thank you, T-Paw, for saving over 10,000 Americans who would have been bored to death in the coming year had you permitted your candidacy to continue.

  • Pragmatist2

    It is no longer "Who is Tim Pawlenty?"
    It is now "Who was Tim Pawlenty?"

    • flamingpdog

      It is no longer, "Who cares?"
      It is now, "Hey, what's on TV tonight?"

    • PristinePantalones

      Who *was* that mysteriouszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz … wut?

  • mavenmaven

    So its now Perry and Bachmann? Let the catfight begin!

  • hagajim

    Tim who? Actually it's too bad. I thought T-Paw was just hitting his stride…ha!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, the GOP decided to get rid of their most competent candidate first. And Mitt finished behind Perry, who had just entered the campaign that day. Clearly, this is a race to see who is the most crazy. Any doubt it will be Bachmann vs. Perry for the nomination?

    Unless…, who do we know can out crazy them all? Sarah Palin, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Bring the crazy Sarah. We, as a nation, know that you and your clan can out do them all.

    • Negropolis

      I will eat one of my hats if either of them is the nominee, and Sarah probably won't end up running.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    President Tim just doesn't sound right.

    • DahBoner

      President Timmy and his dog Lassie…

  • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/457419391/riot-on-the-dance-floor smokefilleddoommate

    …but he was so charismatic. He was the type of person that when he walked into a room, he was in the room.

    • BeWoot

      He had that kind of personality where, when he entered a room, it felt like somebody left.

    • Barrelhse

      Because something is happening here
      But you don't know what it is
      Do you, Mr. Pawlenty?

  • Papa_Uniform

    T-Paw out but Santorum still sticking around? Guess Rick just likes being tail end Charlie.

    • DoktorThompson

      SANTOMENTUM

      • PristinePantalones

        SanTORmentum. Because living through a campaign with santorum running will be TORMENT.

  • finallyhappy

    Here is what I don't get- Why the hell is Ames, Iowa important for an election? NO one cares about Ames or Iowa normally. I still waiting for the GOP ringer candidate- Joe Biden.

    • AJWjr.

      Ames is like old people's genitals. Everyone knows it's there, but nobody cares.

  • hollywooddood

    "Mr. Pawlenty decided to cut his losses and bow out."

    Hey, that's exactly what he did when he left Minnesota with a $6.2 billion deficit.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      But obviously that deficit was Obama's fault.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      At least he got out before any bridges collapsed this time.

    • Barrelhse

      I wonder if he'll take up residence in Arizona, too.

  • iburl

    I'm surprised, I thought T-paw did good. 3rd place.
    Newt (8th) and Mitt (7th) are the ones that stunk up the place (well Cuntsman (9th) & McCooter (10th) too).

    Michele Bachmann 4823 28.55%
    Ron Paul 4671 27.65%
    Tim Pawlenty 2293 13.57%
    Rick Santorum 1657 9.81%
    Herman Cain 1456 8.62%
    Rick Perry* 718 4.25%
    Mitt Romney 567 3.36%
    Newt Gingrich 385 2.28%
    Jon Huntsman 69 0.41%
    Thad McCotter 35 0.21%
    *(write in)

    • neiltheblaze

      Wow — Perry, the write in, beat Romney. Now, THAT's funny. Guess we know who's going to be the blow-dried hair mannequin candidate!

    • BlueStateLibel

      Mitt can stay in forever with the kind of money he has and gets. Money's no object when you can funnel $1million into your campaign from astonishing miracle companies like W Spann LLC–an amazing company that doesn't do anything or sell anything but made so much money in just four months after being incorporated that it could hand $1 million over to Mitt!

      The guy will be 90 years old and probably still running.

      • flamingpdog

        Romney/zombie Harold Stassen/2040

    • Rotundo_

      Mittens could get the nomination in a heartbeat, if he would have flipped democratic while in Massachusetts. Unfortunately, between the Juhhhh-heeeeeezzuuuuussssssss freaks and the teaparty neanderfrothers, he is in for a fight and a half for the nomination going up against Perry. In normal circumstances (were he *not* LDS) he would walk into this money blazing and win. If he were a democrat, he would be the kind of "centrist" candidate the media would juice their Hanes over. But thanks to the miracle of religious intolerance and rabid psychosis of the party, the nomination may well go to Perry. "D" grades in *Texas A&M* Perry, in the closet former cheerleader Perry. Or to Michele, which would be just about as disastrous. The worst part is, it really doesn't matter does it? Thinking back to Dubya daze, Dubya wasn't really the one pulling the strings, and doG knows none of these idiots are. Does it really matter who the assholes put up? Centrists are fucking idiots, they will or will not vote for these people on a whim anyway.

    • Geminisunmars

      How many of the Rick Parry write-ins were counted?

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        I wondered the exact same thing. There must have been more Rick Parry votes than Thad McCotter.

      • AJWjr.

        I don't think Colbert thought this thing through. Murkowski proved that misspelled ballots count in your favor, and cutesy people writing in Parry thinking it's a harmless prank are in fact voting for that asshole to win the nomination of the GOP for president of the fucking United States of America, and I for one do not like it.

        • Geminisunmars

          I am Colbert's biggest fan, but I have to admit that when I saw his "info-ads" I thought: "This is funny, why?" It gave the Texas turd more name recognition, at the very least, and perhaps write-in votes too. Time to visit Colbertnation/Colbert Super Pac and kindly request they not do any more stupid fucking things.

          • Negropolis

            Isn't that kind of the point, though? To promote the candidate you think will be the easist to tear apart? Of course, there is always a "be careful what you wish for" aspect and risk to this promotion, but should he be pushing someone like Romney? That would be far more dangerous, it seems.

            Rick and Michele are honest-to-goodness Dominionists. This is actually a problem Bush didn't have. Palin's connections with this radical Christian underground was ultimately a major component of her failure as a candidate.

            I honestly don't get how anyone thinks that Rick and Michele have the image to be able to pull out a nomination win. This isn't some obscure Senate seat in Delaware or some podunk House seat down South. People are grossly overestimating the power of this nation's crazy and stupid on a macro scale. Not even this GOP is going to nominate a woman who believed the Census was a nefarious plot to put Americans into concentration camps and who campaigned for Jimmy Carter, or a guy who has some kind of hard-on for secession talk and who was also Al Gores Texas campaign manager in 1988.

          • Geminisunmars

            I don't know. I think “Parry” is pretty dangerous too. Since I cannot fathom the thinking of the right wing I cannot predict who would be the darling of that crowd. I could not (and still can not) wrap my brain around dubya's “election”, so my trying to figure this out at 3 in the morning is probably not too smart. But I think Parry could be very attractive to the fundies, and I don't know how easy it would be to tear him apart. Being dumb and a hypocrit didn't seem to faze dubya's supporters.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Wow…Newt only beat me by 2.28% and I wasn't even running.

    • PristinePantalones

      But no one's mentioning the fact that many contenders won the Ames poll but lost the nomination; and no one's mentioning that not a single one of these bobbleheads can pull more than 30% of the (heavily biased in their favour) electorate; and no one's mentioning that the most recent Ames winners who went on to win the elections all won their polls by much higher margins than MishMash BatShitKrayZMann.

      Personally, I see these dismal results as the outcome of a house divided. I don't know how much longer the Republican party will continue, but it is essentially defunct, right now. The flailing corpse can still do some damage, but the structural defects within can no longer be papered over.

  • nappyduggs

    Okay. So now, he can launch his nation-wide of tour high schools, giving talks on criminal justice and fiscal responsibility. But mostly he will just stand in the back of whatever classroom he's anesthetized, frantically waving his outstretched arm, and going "OOOOOOOHHHH I KNOW THIS ONE, CALL ON ME, CALL ON ME!"

  • flamingpdog

    T-Paw, all your base are belong to someone else.

  • tcaalaw

    I can't believe that no one's pointed out yet that Pawlenty dropping out is excellent news… for Herman Cain!!!

    • DahBoner

      Herman Cain says his campaign starting out crawling and now they're running, skipping over walking altogether.

      You know what happens when you skip the walking part?

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        You say weird stuff about Muslims and Mormons and have to backtrack?

    • HarryButtle

      I see what you did there…

    • anniegetyerfun

      Oh, well played, Sir/Madam. Well played indeed.

      • tcaalaw

        Thanks. I vowed months ago, shortly after Herman Cain announced his candidacy, that this needed to be a the new meme for the 2012 presidential race and I'm doing my best to make it so!

    • PristinePantalones

      Hey, he's happy with his position "in the middle of the pack."

      Aside: what kind of "businessman" thinks that 5 out of 6 = "middle of the pack"?

  • Wadisay

    On a positive note, with Perry's entry into the race, the "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" gag is still workin'.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Only if all 7 dwarves can be "Dopey."

    • mumbly_joe

      Snow White and the Seven Mental Dwarfs.

  • http://www.deathwishcreeps.com/about/ Comrade Wingtard

    First, uh, who? Second, if you can call what's his face "T-Paw" can we call the other one "RiPer"?

  • Jukesgrrl

    That portrait of T'Paw needs some Blingee.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      What do you mean? That IS a T'Paw Blingee.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Here is the original Pawlenty photo.
      http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090901163

      • Jukesgrrl

        LOL. T'Paw … where Blingees go to die.

  • http://www.deathwishcreeps.com/about/ Comrade Wingtard

    Tim knows which side of the braid his buttah's on, and who been done the buttah-in'. Oh wait, who are we talking about? Wrong Tim. This matters to me. (pause)

    Does it to you?

    • Barrelhse

      Thumbs up to you, 4 TJ!!!

  • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Hurricane Ali

    Aw! No more narcolepsy jokes while talking about Tim Pawl….zzzz…

    • http://www.deathwishcreeps.com/about/ Comrade Wingtard

      You mean Paw? … Paw? .. Paw? .. Paw? … <CONK>

      • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Hurricane Ali

        I'm awake, I'm awake! What did I miss? Oh, we were talking about Paw…Paw…(yawn)…Pawlenty, right? Oh well…zzzz…

  • Steverino247

    Well, it seems pretty clear now that the Republican party is no longer a national party, but a regional one. They can win in enough House and Senate races to keep things fucked up until the Earth is poisoned and all the wealth is transferred to their masters. Then, they all move someplace nice and leave the husk behind. It's the same business plan they followed as corporate raiders, only now applied to whole nations.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Like cotton and tobacco farming in the nineteenth century–use up the soil and move, which is why West Texas is the Cotton Belt of Amerikkka now.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Mmm. Husk.

    • Negropolis

      About as good a description about what the GOP is, today, than any I've seen. If by some off chance they do manage to topple Barry, it won't be because they are so beloved, but becaue, like 2010, his supporters don't turn out. The tea party and their sympathizers are about the same 25-to-30 percent they've been for decades, now. They aren't a majority, nor will they ever be, but they are just big enough to fuck up everything up.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Timmy, we hardly knew you–but that was enough to know you are a total asshole.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Now he'll have…wait for it…Pawlenty of time to spend with his family.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Maybe he'd have stayed in if he had…here it is…Pawlenty of his own cash on hand.

    • Barrelhse

      (wait for it)……groan.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Animatronic Ronald Reagan for President!!!!

    Not the real Reagan, but an incredible imitation!

    • BarackMyWorld

      No, not you, Mitt.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Now he can go back and to spending more time with his family values.

  • AJWjr.

    Timmeh injected more excitement into his campaign by quitting.

    • DahBoner

      One weird trick to help America sleep all night?

      • flamingpdog

        Not enough boobies.

  • DahBoner

    I heard on the radio the other day that someone has copies of receipts from Rick Perry's visits to obscure South Florida drag clubs.

    Now why would this be a bad thing?

    Sure, you might come home smelling like nitro and your ears are blown from all the noise, but ain't watching drag racing considered "macho" in Texas????

    • flamingpdog

      Hey, no playing the drag race card!

    • Barrelhse

      The noise that you're hearing
      Is only the sound
      Of the low spark of high-heeled boys.

  • fuflans

    this is my favorite from today:

    “I am a job creator. I am a former federal tax attorney, and I have years in federal tax court.”
    Michele Bachman, August 2011.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Did you see where she went to law school? It's comedy lulz. They teach "Christian Law" and only something like 65% of grads pass the bar.

      • fuflans

        yeah and god EVERY time she opens her mouth.

        she really seems to have no understanding of basic concepts like 'job creation' and 'government'.

        that being said, i don't think it's shelley we need to be worrying about.

      • Jukesgrrl

        "I've created DOZENS of jobs for Marcus. And my experience as a federal tax attorney helped him to avoid millions in taxes, too!"

    • BlueStateLibel

      And as a big ole federal tax attorney, she created thousands of jerbs!

    • flamingpdog

      Pleeeeease, Jeebus, let the next time she's in federal tax court result in her ending up in years in federal prison!

    • AJWjr.

      We've got to pound that bogus clinic and her family's farm subsidy welfare at every opportunity. Job creationism, my ass.

    • glamourdammerung

      Her new excuse for that job was that her husband told her to get a degree in tax law and work for the government as a tax lawyer and she submitted to his will as a good Christian wife should.

  • http://www.deathwishcreeps.com/about/ Comrade Wingtard

    Ok now that I changed my screen name to "Comarade Wingtard" I am all the richer for having some creeptard downfisting Breitbart wingnuts following me. I'm not sure if they consider me one of "them" or no. What the FUCK is with these creeps? This seems to be standard MO for them; for every libtard protest (lately the ALEC protest) around where I live they "investigate" everyone involved and start calling their work, their parents, emailing them threatening letters and insane shit like that. Yes, wingtard follower, you are severely mentally ill. You are so fucking stupid, unhinged and crazy you make the worst of us lefttards (who were drinking maniacally during the Bush administration) look like models of sanity. You fuckers are fucking NUTS.

    • 102415

      Comrade, I salute you! Where did you find the picture of Skanky in Mom jeans?

    • Barrelhse

      I think you've done it this time.
      You'll probably need to change your screen name again.

  • BarackMyWorld

    "I think we know with reasonable certainty that standing up there on the West front of the Capitol on Jan. 20, 2013 will be one of three people: Obama, Pawlenty and Daniels."
    -George Will last May.

    He's still right. It's definitely one of those 3.

    • fuflans

      oh that is just awesome.

    • flamingpdog

      Obama, who?, and WHOOO???.

    • AJWjr.

      I need a jerb where I can write inane stuff, make stupid inaccurate predictions and get paid 6 or 7 figures.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Some enchanterer this Tim was

    • fuflans

      oh damn i was going to do this earlier but i got distracted with liquor.

      cheers!

      • flamingpdog

        You'd be quiqor without liquor!

        That's my cue to start drinking dinner.

  • glamourdammerung

    So I made a bridge costume and a "Why do you not love us, Tim?" sign for nothing?

    fffffffuuuuuuuuu

  • Radiotherapy®

    Of course, this could be T-Paw, the Attack Turtle's way of angling for the VP nod.
    Generic/Pawlenty '12
    I'll be waiting for the Rasmussen poll results tomorrow.

  • voodooeconomics

    The post with the picture of Michelle Backman sucking in a foot long brown corn dog has way more comments. Wonder what is driving so many comments.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      That's the free market of ideas at work.

  • 102415

    She's a risk taker alright.

  • Radiotherapy®

    OT, but is this funny or scary? Either way, Godwin's Law has new visual evidence.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Wow, I started a "you know who else…" thread about that Perry pic a couple of weeks ago, not knowing that there was actual damning evidence!

      • not that Dewey

        We went thirty-something rounds in that game, with noone once mentioning Hitler, and then this photo comes and bites us right in the Sudetenland.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          That's the point of the game – "Hitler" is implied in the question, the fun is in the non-Hitler answers.

          • not that Dewey

            Oh, I know. It was a particularly and deliciously long tease, that day.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Let's start a "Hitler Bloodline" crazy conspiracy meme, like that Holy Grail/DaVinci Code b.s.! If Obama is Malcolm X's son because of a couple of photos, this is even stronger evidence!

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Let's see, one is a rabid right wing authoritarian who executes mentally ill people, and the other is Hitler?

      • BarackMyWorld

        To be fair, Rick doesn't want to actually INVADE Mexico, and Hitler wasn't that big on prayer.

        • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

          Haha. True, true. But who want's to be fair anymore.

          As for Hitler, haven't you heard that old saying: There's no atheists in
          the füeherbunker (especially when the Soviets are kicking the door in)?

          • Radiotherapy®

            Really, what's the difference between these two überclowns? Perry doesn't have a mustache, and Adolph doesn't have a treasonous gold fringed flag behind him?

  • Barrelhse

    Sundays around here seem a little different.
    Everyone sounds like Bloody Mary's and bong hits.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Hey, my 1000th comment: Trucknutz for everyone!!!

  • tihond

    THIS IS GREAT NEWS! FOR TIM PAWLENTY!

    • flamingpdog

      For all of us, Katie.

  • Negropolis

    And yet, Santorum is sticking around.

    Poor thing, he just wasn't crazy enough for Iowa. I look forward to when Michele will be forced out of the race, which will be sooner than many people think.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Santorum seems like the kind of substance that would be hard to get out of things. Like sheets, carpet, and/or a presidential race.

      He's certainly left one greasy skidmark on our country.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    This is terrifying. This is Perry looking like a Disney animatronic Reagan.

  • owhatever

    Bachmann comes in first and the Wingnuts say it is a great victory. Ron Paul is a close second, and the Wingnuts say the straw poll numbers are meaningless. Consistency, thy name is Tea Party.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Ronald McPaul is actually too sane for the 'baggers. It took me some mental gymnastics to get that one to parse.

      • Negropolis

        Paul literally makes sense on a handful of issues, at best, and on the rest he is crazy as fuck. He's too principled for them, not too sane. Not by a long shot.

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          Hence the gymnastics – I know he's a complete nut, but he just doesn't dogwhistle enough for the true crazies.

        • mumbly_joe

          Even in the places he makes a modicum of sense, the crazy breaks through the cracks, quite frankly. Like, his foreign policy positions, right up until he gets to the "end all foreign aid" plank of his platform.

          Or, for that matter, his "it wouldn't be the end of the world if Iran had nukes" position. Not because it isn't true, strictly speaking, but because you'd have to be crazy to say so in a national presidential debate, even so.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Hah, in T-Paw's case the picture will be the foot long sticking out his anus.

  • Negropolis

    What's that, Lassie? Timmy's fallen off the I-35W bridge and into a well?

  • proudgrampa

    Well, this means that Tim Pawlenty and I both will not be participating in the Presidential election process for the time being…

  • OneYieldRegular

    It speaks volumes (to me, anyway) that I can't get Timmah (Duz it…to you?) James out of my head, but Tim Paw…paw…paw who?

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    OT but interesting to me – an analysis of exit polls vs tabulation in the Wisconsin recall elections.

    For some reason (!), a lot of exit polls conducted were off, and the shift to R was beyond statistical noise. Often over 10% to R.

    Naturally, it would be legally improper to say something like "those motherfucking bastards totally fixed that election" because one could get sued. However, take a look, it's interesting.

  • BruceLee5000

    It was SUCH a boneheaded move for Pawlenty to drop out.
    Instead he should have come out swinging with an official press release claiming that he had in fact WON Ames because he was the ONLY _ELECTABLE_ candidate in the Top 5. He should have pointed out that Christian Extremists and Libertarians will never win a national general election!
    His meek withdrawal just proves how spineless and milquetoast of a candidate/man he is. It is such a shame that Minnesota had to be flushed down the shitter for this quitter.

    • Negropolis

      You seem genuinely upset that Pawlenty dropped out. Are you a fan? He should have never been in the race in the first place; how in the world is him dropping out a boneheaded move?

      • BruceLee5000

        No, you're reading me wrong. EVERYONE has known for at least two years that Pawlenty would run. He's had all that time to prepare Strategies and Messaging. The thrust of my Comment is general shock at how he could have mismanaged his campaign so badly and why is he bowing out to people everybody knows can't win?!I don't have sympathy for him or any Repub, I'm just appalled at him as a lousy example of an “ambitious man.”

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    What's a Pawlenty? Is that some kind of new sandwich at Subway?

  • DemonicRage

    You can see just by the comments here that people loved just saying the word, "T-Paw!" But you know G W Bush loved giving people nicknames, too.

    • DashboardBuddha

      True that. What was the name he gave Rove? Turd Bottom? Shit Stain? Something like that.

      • DemonicRage

        Turd blossom. I think it says something about the Bush White House that, in order to work there, you had to subject yourself to respectful treatment like that.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    TimPaw proves that he is actually smarter than he looks…

  • frostbitefalls

    Damn it, now he's coming back to Minnesota!

  • billy_reuben

    This is good news for John McCain.