bible stories

Marcus Bachmann Is Only Charge of Michele’s *Important* Decisions, Guys

god i am so sick of diet coke, every single day. god!Everyone’s number one spiritual question for today is: “Should Michele Bachmann ask her gay husband permission if she just wants to have a regular Coke once in a while?” THIS WAS LAST NIGHT’S MOST IMPORTANT GOP DEBATE QUESTION, which was mysteriously booed by the Jerry Springer audience. Anyway, this issue is so important that Bristol Palin’s memoir ghostwriter Nancy French decided (?) to swing by The Corner and type some soothing Christian words to explain, carefully, that Marcus is not Michele’s leather daddy for some Biblical reason other than the obvious one. Sure, we will listen to you, person who writes all day long about the Palin family, veritable “super expert” on Christian living! What was Michele Bachmann really saying when she told us back in June that she became a tax lawyer because God Marcus told her to? “The concept of submission is a bit more nuanced than our feminist sisters understand. Christian women are under the authority of their husbands,” French writes. Weird, that doesn’t sound very nuanced at all!

Okay okay, we will read more than one sentence to be “fair.” Here is French with her example of how a Christian husband is not actually “in charge of his wife’s career decisions” while at the same time also “in charge of his wife’s career decisions.”

When a woman has a career, she has obligations in the eyes of God and man to fulfill that role. In my own life, I’m a wife, a mother, an editor for a magazine, and a “celebrity collaborator.” Even though I’m a conservative Christian wife, it would be absurd for my husband to grab my manuscript and say, “As the leader of this household, I demand that you delete this paragraph, which would be better suited for chapter two.” He’s my husband, not my boss.

However, this doesn’t mean that husbands don’t have a say-so over their wives’ professional aspirations. I frequently have to sort through which writing jobs to take and which to decline. On one occasion, my husband told me directly that writing a certain celebrity’s story was not going to be good for our family. Even though I’d already started the process of interviewing (and wanted to take the job), I declined. Since then, as I’ve seen other writers struggle with the task, it’s apparent that my husband’s inclination was correct. In this case especially, I was thankful for his leadership.

So French’s husband does not have the authority to excise an entire paragraph from her work, but he has the authority to excise an entire assignment from her agenda. Right? Okay, we think we have it: Marcus Bachmann cannot tell Michele Bachmann what blouse to wear to work no matter how badly he wants to, but he can tell her she shouldn’t touch Medicare reform, because that would be bad for the family (business). Oh see, we understand! HAHA, FEMINIST COMMIES DO NOT UNDERSTAND. [National Review Online]

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    1. PristinePantalones

      He really knows how to picky a nifty little jacket *and* matching shoes. Not too many men who could say that.

    2. gizdal

      the only thing marcus decides is when the bachmanns have sex.
      he also decides which gays to be "cured" by harsh discipline and prayer.
      hope nobody informs him that jeebus was gay too, also.

      1. comrad_darkness

        Old One-L looks mighty practiced at that. I wonder if she owns a little sailors's suit or schoolboy outfit?

        Also, we can now estimate the craigslist rentboy request stats for Marcus…

  1. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Miche1e readily admits that she and Marquessa didn't marry for love (this is a good and yet very scary article, btw)

    This was Michele's catwalk moment, a lengthy autobiographical speech in which she claimed "callings" from God had pushed her to every major decision in her life — from studying tax law to running for Congress. She even told the congregation that she and hubby Marcus — who by then had opened a Christian counseling center — had been united not by love but by a unique series of divine visions experienced by three people simultaneously.

    Bachmann claimed that back in her college days, she was up one night praying with a female friend of hers when "the Lord gave each one of us the same, exact vision… It was a picture of me, marrying this man, in the valley where his parents have a farm in western Wisconsin." Meanwhile, miles away, Marcus "was repairing a fence on the farm where he worked, and the Lord showed him in a vision that he was supposed to marry me." According to Bachmann, Marcus initially complained to God that he wanted to see the world first, and only later relented.

    Sounds like God decided to give Marques a bum deal.

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        "back in her college days, she was up one night praying with a female friend of hers"

        is that what the kids called it then?

          1. PristinePantalones

            Like everything else, only if you do it with the right people. I mean, just imagine hatefucking praying with Mike Huckabee.

        1. PristinePantalones

          Well, it did involve a lot of "Oh, God! Oh, my GOD! Oh, God, YES!" and stuff like that.

    1. GhostBuggy

      "…Marcus initially complained to God that he wanted to see the world first…"

      Yeah, I think we all know what he means by "world."

      1. V572 Coif of Destiny

        He wanted to go around the world, haw haw…

        Except not because it's quite possible M&M have no idea what that means.

        1. weejee

          Xtainfascists are poorly schooled the the Urban Dictionary. This is obvious in Marcus' strong attraction to those who are fond of the Greek classics and golden showers.

    2. PristinePantalones

      Actually, Michele might have a nice bum, but bum was *definitely not* part of the deal. Poor Marcus!

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        Quite – if you deconstruct it just a little – "she was up one night praying with a female friend of hers "

        Now, who "fixes a fence" in the dark? I'm guessing there were poles and holes involved, but … well, you know what I'm saying.

    3. comrad_darkness

      And then God told me to push this red button, la la la . . .

      I smell a President Bachmann Flash site.

    4. fuflans

      Bachmann claimed that back in her college days, she was up one night praying with a female friend of hers… and ran screaming from lesbians ever since.

      god they're BOTH gay.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      "This is why fucking crazy wingnut women can't shouldn't be president. "

      Elizabeth Warren for President.

      1. Geminisunmars

        Is Warren even married? Would her husband give her permission to run for Prez? These are the important questions.
        (But, God yes, I'd vote for her in a heartbeat.)

      2. PristinePantalones

        I don't care who knows it, I think Elizabeth Warren is HOT in that incredible smart geek chick sort of way, yaknow? I mean, I bet you could have a conversation with her about *international monetary policy,* or sumthin'.

          1. JustPixelz

            If I understand your innuendo, I would rather have her cause my inflation. Then let the invisible hand* of the market act freely until the desired outcome is achieved and inflation subsides.
            * visible hand is OK too

          2. gullywompr

            I'm just saying, try it with reins sometime. And a crop. Spurs too, if you can handle it. You'll thank me later.

  2. rahelio

    Right before this picture was taken, Marcus told Michelle he would allow her to cuddle with him for thirty minutes straight (snort), but only if she wore on the HS football jersey one of his "clients" gave him after their last session.

  3. OkieDokieDog

    It just chaps my ass that this freaking dingbat bible humper is considered a viable candidate for POTUS. The fact that she is female rubs salt into my poor chapped ass.
    Luckily for me, as a female, 1st DudeIsALady Marcus, won't want to kiss away the pain from my chapped ass.

    Ugh. I despise these people. Go away.

  4. Wilcoxyz

    Can Michele go to the G-20 meetings if Marcus doesn't like the way some of the other world leaders look at her?

    1. PristinePantalones

      Nobody should have any say over any other adult human's decisions. That's the whole point of autonomy and rights. We're expected to be mature enough by a certain arbitrary age to have the right to make our own decisions and the responsibility for the consequences thereof. These people are living relicts of a previous age, when men were men and women, children, and animals only chattel.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      No, the way marriage works is that you each have Mutually Assured Destruction Rights over each other's happiness. Not this Biblical crap where only the one with the penis gets to be a dick.

  5. Nostrildamus

    Love the Wonkette foursome: Marcus and Michele and Courtney and cucumber.

    I'm guessing Michele/Courtney and Marcus/cucumber, but other pairings might also work.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      My Auto-Ad sez "Take time to be a Dad today." Presumably because Marcus is looking for a Daddy.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    “celebrity collaborator.”

    Celebrity or not, things never go well for the collaborators after the liberation. Just keep that in mind, collaborator lady.

  7. pinkocommi

    If Bachmann wants to be submissive, by all means…. someone give the lady a ball gag.

    * * *
    On another note, Former Alaska Gov. Sara Palin, weighed in on the issue:

    CNN's Don Lemon asked Palin, "If (husband) Todd said don't run, would you not run?"

    "I can't imagine my husband ever telling me what to do politically," Palin responded. "He has never told me what to do when it comes to a political step, and I appreciate that. I respect you for that, Todd; thank you."

    So, in other words, Palin decides when she should quit all on her own.

    1. Negropolis

      Conservative Republicans, as I'm sure you know, are anti-choice. He doesn't get a choice; he gets bottom, 'cause that's how the good Lord intended it, dontcha' know.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Remember back when Michele promised that the first thing she would do when she announced was publicly release HER birth cert? Remember when she released it? Neither do I.

  8. rocktonsam

    Can Marcus cure the urge to masturbate to Shelly's crazy eyes pictures?

    I'd vote for him then.

  9. OC_Surf_Serf

    in charge of his wife’s….

    Ah, yes…bringing back the 14th century one day at a time.

  10. nounverb911

    "When a woman has a career, she has obligations in the eyes of God and man to fulfill that role. "
    Marcus and Rick Perry?

    1. PristinePantalones

      Hot enough to lambast you with something hard and heavy? I mean, I know that would have been *my* ex's response.

    2. JustPixelz

      Me too! Especially when she doesn't write…

      Dear Penthouse:
      I never thought this would happen to me but needless to say my nubile body was aching with desire when big virile husband invited the Bachmann's for dinner. Michele seemed nice but I couldn't get Marcus to look at my nubile body. He only seemed interested in my big virile husband. I was so frustrated!

  11. Come here a minute

    And Michele is in charge of begging Marcus's gay prostitute not to call the police.

  12. Mumbletypeg

    The important thing in this wholesome marital partnership, as we learned in Benincasa's latest post, is that Shelly regulates the household bling rationing and keeps Marcus's, uh, junior-varsity soccer viewing in check.

  13. OneYieldRegular

    This "celebrity collaborator" woman sounds like a real bible authority if she can manage to get all that nuance out of it. I guess I must have skipped right over the Book of Career Development. Does it come before Deuteronomy?

  14. bumfug

    I'm not so much sick of Michele as I am of the "news" programs thinking it's somehow unfair to point out that she totally talks out her asshole.

  15. x111e7thst

    Now I haz confused. If Marcus want's Michele to wear the chaps and the strap-on is that a big decision or a little one?

  16. Callyson

    From the National Review:
    Submission is, as John Piper put it, “the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership.” This means that the man is the spiritual head of the household, that he should take initiative to make the family better, and lead with love.
    WTF does that even mean? Is it saying that men are the family caretakers? Then I guess Christian fundamentalists will be leading the fight for paternal leave benefits?
    Though, I will say, Bachmann is leading a spiritual revival of sorts…I am praying to God that she gets nowhere near the White House…

      1. PristinePantalones

        But that's one of the rules. Who has the dick takes out the garbage. Doesn't matter *what* religion you espouse.

    1. Steverino247

      It means he is a benevolent dictator to the family. The wife can pick what color dress she wears, but he determines where the hemline should be.

      Honey, do you really think it's a good idea to interview Ozzy Osbourne?

      As opposed to

      Honey, it's ungodly Ozzy and you'll disappoint the Lord if you so much as look at him.

      It's all bullshit, of course.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "disposition" and "inclination". Got it.
      So Michele can still say "No anal" to Marcus, if she's not properly inclined.

  17. orygoon

    That's peculiar. In my world, a good husband is one who does as he is told. Granted, no books were consulted for this nugget of wisdom.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      So the wife is supposed to ask for permission, and suppose to act like they'll listen to the answer. And the husband is supposed to say "yes", as if saying no would make a difference.

      They could dispense with the buzz words and just say what my kids say: "Mom's the boss".

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Those two little words a wife loves to hear: "Yes, dear."
        (Even more endearing when there's a trace of irony in it.)

        Use 'em freely and you'll have a happy marriage.

        1. PristinePantalones

          There isn't a man on the planet who doesn't know that, although there's a few women who certainly don't seem to.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            What planet do you live on?
            I know plenty of jerks … I gotta sit down some day and figure out why that is.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Well, it's two-headed, and that's as close as she'll ever get to sex with Marcus, so, yes.

  18. V572 Coif of Destiny

    Stop worrying, everybody. Just saw Chuck Todd saying on Tweetie's show that Miche1le is excluded from further consideration as the Republican nominee because of something or other she said last night.

    In the debate, I mean. What were you thinking?

      1. comrad_darkness

        Given these dipshits voted for Bush in sufficient numbers to let some county level shenanigans give him the win, I worry about everyone.

  19. iburl

    "… a “celebrity collaborator.” "
    What a nice phrase for starf**ker.

    Reporter: "President Bachman, what do you think of the Iranians?"
    Michele: "Honey?"
    Marcus: "Barbarinths."

  20. donner_froh

    “The concept of submission is a bit more nuanced than our feminist sisters understand. Christian women are under the authority of their husbands,”

    I don't think that ("nuanced") means what Nancy French thinks it does.

    Of course one could say that about almost all words in the English language so it isn't really surprising.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I'm afraid that what Nancy has described is exactly what this feminist sister had understood about submission already.

  21. nappyduggs

    “The concept of submission is a bit more nuanced than our feminist sisters understand. Christian women are under the authority of their husbands,” French writes.

    If by "authority" she means barrel chest, reasonably tight abdomen, strong pelvic muscles, and 8' cock (cut, thanks), then submission ain't no thang.
    That other bullshit is some bullshit.

      1. nappyduggs

        Not necessarily. But no, I did. The keys on my old ass QWERTY often stick or don't register and I just don't have the patience to care.

    1. RavenRant

      I'm hoping you meant 8" cock.

      Otherwise, I think we have a reverse Spinal Tap Stonehenge problem here.

  22. Guppy06

    "For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body."

    In other words, if you deny your husband, you deny Jesus!

    So, either Paul is a dick, or Michele is a mulsin.

  23. Ken Cuccinelli

    This is basically why Michele will never be President, or even the nominee. She won't even be VP. Because when you get down to it, that brand of Christianity is as weird as, say, Mormonism to the vast majority of Americans. But whereas Romney doesn't believe in anything except Mitt Romney for President, and (for what it's worth) the Palins are clearly of the "faith-alone" crowd, Michele and Marcus Bachmann are dead fucking serious about this shit, and that is why she will never get anywhere near the nuclear launch codes.

    That and I really doubt the Republican money men are going to fund her campaign without knowing the entire truth behind Gayface McGee there.

    1. zhubajie

      She's Bush in a dress. Possibly a bit more intellectual if she actually read Francis Schaeffer's books. Palin is just the same but with speaking in tongues added.

      1. Ken Cuccinelli

        The tards in the media went on and on about how Bush, then Palin was "one of them", as in the 30%ers. Except they weren't, they're just playing the pigfuckers for their votes. Michele is actually "one of them". And that's why she'll never get the support of the rest of the Republican party that's content with the fakers who win over evangelicals but don't actually do anything.

  24. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Women are under the authority of their husbands."

    -Osama bin Laden
    -Mullah Omar
    -Ayatollah Khamenei

    Nancy's in good company.

  25. Negropolis

    So, in other words, that can't micro-manage your life, but they can macro the hell out of it. Check. Got it.

    I wish we had an honest-to-goodness time machine, so we could send these folks back to the time they want to be in.

  26. gurukalehuru

    Am I the only one who thinks he looks like Benny Hill? Although commenter Chet Kincaid also had a valid point when he said he looks like Boris Yeltsin or some other guy I've never heard of. Because Boris Yeltsin looks like Benny Hill, too.

  27. Dürers Rhino

    If Michele wins then g-d and Marcus will be our President(s) and she will just stand behind the podium making crazy eyes at the White House press corps.

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