BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME?  4:53 pm August 12, 2011

Barack Obama Broke An Intern’s Heart

by Sara Benincasa

Jesus he love us.Barack Hussein Obama is the greatest president in the history of ever, and those who do not show him adequate fealty are instantly thrown into the Den of Despair (i.e., Joe Biden’s hamper full of dirty boxer briefs.) Let us journey now into Wonkette’s very own “Week in Review”-esque weekly review of our Dear Leader’s activities, “Barry Can You Hear Me?” As per usual, our guide shall be Official White House Videographer Arun Riefenstahl-Chaudhary’s weekly afterschool special/snuff film, West Wing Week.

On Friday, Barack Obama went to hang out with some gay Navy sailors and talk about the Returning Heroes Tax Credit, which gives blood money to firms that hire veterans coming back from our three futile wars. Now a former sharpshooter can apply for one of your town’s two remaining jobs (Old Navy jeans folder and Hormel hog slaughterer) without fear that his severe, untreated PTSD will hamper his ability to earn $8 an hour.

West Wing Week is silent on the topic of Saturday and Sunday, which means Barack Obama spent the weekend moonwalking across the Potomac and curing AIDS with his ballsweat.

On Monday, the king of America talked at his subjects about saving more monies and making more jobs. “Spending cuts!” he said. “Tax reform! Modest adjustments to healthcare programs like Medicare! Hail Satan!” Then Bammerz met with Hispanic journalists who politely asked him exactly what kind of white Christian baby blood makes the very best tortilla. “Mainline Protestant, of course!” Bammerz replied, and then they did the lambada.

BTW, also on Monday, Dr. Jill “Hubba Hubba” Biden was over in Africa talking to “famine refugees” on the “Kenyan-Somalian border.” In other words, she was taking orders from the Muslim hierarchy on what their crown prince ought to do next. She scribbled it all in the Mead notebook where she keeps this information, and then returned home to give Barack Obama his orders. “The High Council of Jihad bids it,” she said quietly. “Their will be done,” Barack replied, and blew up Mount Rushmore.

On Tuesday, Barack Obama talked to truck company executives about new fuel efficiency standards. “You know,” Barry said, kicking back in his seat and chuckling, “Back in college I used to make some extra scratch in your business. Fine folks.” “You drove a truck?” the executives asked, surprised. “Naw,” Barry said. “But I was one hell of a lot lizard.”

On Wednesday, Obama held a farewell ceremony for this year’s outgoing crop of White House interns. “Sorry I didn’t fuck any of you,” he said. “Unfortunately, SOMEBODY ruined it for the rest of us, and now we can’t have nice things.” The interns looked at him with tears in their eyes. “N-not even felching?” little Georgetown sophomore Tommy Hopkins asked, his lower lip quivering. “Not even felching, Tommy,” the president sighed. His shoulders slumped, and he walked slowly away from the ceremony, looking 10 years older. That night, Barack Obama had a Muslim seder with Shi’ite terrorists and declared sharia law at the salad bar, issuing a fatwa against the sneeze guard.

On Thursday, Barry visited Johnson Controls battery plant and received a lifetime supply of batteries with which to power his many butt-vibrators.

Well, that’s all for this week, librulz. Because you are the poisonous algae blooming on the pond of liberty, you may enjoy this scandalous leaked video from Michele Bachmann’s campaign. You are exactly the kind of awful people who would like this type of filth, in fact. It is this author’s fondest wish that you all contract smallpox and die before Monday morning. If your columnista only had access to bovine smallpox scabs, she would sprinkle them in your breakfast cereal herself. But until that point, she will continue to kneel on a rug pointed in the direction of Barack Obama’s grundle and pray for your destruction.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 73 comments }

nounverb911 August 12, 2011 at 4:55 pm

"Barack Obama Broke An Intern’s Heart"
Did she have the dress dry cleaned yet? (I'm assuming it was a she.)

GunToting[Redacted] August 12, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Sara has issued a fatwa against my heart!

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 7:03 pm

My heart was the first to be crunched by her spiked heel.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 12, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Now that Obamacare has been snuffed by a federal court, Barry's week is complete.

GOPCrusher August 12, 2011 at 5:13 pm

At this point, I wish they would quit screwing around and get it in front of the Supreme Court.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 12, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Where it’s sure to get a friendly reception.

BerkeleyBear August 12, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Not a complete snuff, more like a choking without a real push behind it (2-1, and only as to the mandate as opposed to everything else). Compared with the 6th Circuit's endorsement of the whole thing, it means that at most the Supremes should be talking about the mandate. While losing the mandate would be bad for decifits (which the GOP can't decide if it really cares about) losing the expansions of eligibility, eliminating preexisting conditions, etc. would be much worse. If the mandate is tossed and the rest is upheld, in fact, it could actually support a push for single payer or some other stronger alternative.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 12, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Unless they can fatten their coffers with mandated premiums of the young and healthy, the insurance companies will back out of the deal, either directly or by making the premiums so high no one will buy a policy. So hoping things will get worse on their way to getting better might be a long, torturous path.

Once they picked Chimpy as president, SCOTUS abandoned any pretense of non-partisan fairness, and it's only gotten worse since then (e.g., "Citizens United")

Have a great weekend! Hope I'm wrong and you're right!

BerkeleyBear August 13, 2011 at 2:15 am

See, but they can't do it, and here's why – they want to play on the exchanges for all the millions of healthy people who will be directed there. But to do that, their plans and rates will be subject to review and control, particularly as to rate hikes, by HHS. They won't like it, but as the only alternative they'll take it.

flamingpdog August 12, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I agree that tossing of the mandate could support a push for single payer, but I wouldn't expect our Imperial Liter his Barryness the O'Bomber to get behind it, so it would be up to Harry and Nancy to get that one through to fruition.

BerkeleyBear August 13, 2011 at 2:20 am

Obama didn't stop Medicare for all – Nelson, Baucus, Lieberman, Conrad, et al. did. In case you aren't clear on it, those guys don't listen to Harry as much as the people they feel got tem elected – insurance companies and banks, mainly.My point is that for those guys (and Snowe, Brown, maybe Kirk, etc) removing the fallback of the mandate would put them to making a real harsh decision.

flamingpdog August 13, 2011 at 11:55 am

Obama didn't stop Medicare for all – he just never led the way toward achieving it. He's a facilitator, not a leader or even a fighter. He's conflict-adverse. That's all I'm saying.

SpurningBeer August 12, 2011 at 10:37 pm

I heard one of the 11th Court of Appeals justices speak a few years ago at a ceremony here, and he was an unabashed advocate for Conservatism as the only way to be rational, responsible and patriotic. And the famous Judge Vinson is a camellia fetishist here in town. Un-self-aware redneck boneheads.

Anyway, I agree with the Bear that without the gerry-rigged mandate, which was always a proxy for taxpayer-funded nonprofit healthcare, the remainder of the healthcare reform plan is an almost total loss.

If I were a true believer in the rationality of The Market, I would have confidence that the Invisible Hand would know its own limits.

But I'm not, and I don't. There are surgeons and gynecologists and anesthesiologists who "earn" well over a million dollars a year with the current system. Their mentality is not a Hippocratic one of dedication to human well-being. They actually use expressions like "leaving money on the table" without any shame or irony. They are whores, not that there's anything wrong with that, if you're an actual whore. And that's not even getting into the insurance cartels.

I thought that a public option was a brilliant way to let a nonprofit version of medical care and coverage prove itself and supplant the profit-based prostitution business, but it turned out that the pimps are a powerful lobby, with powerful johns in Congress to support them.

If I weren't already drunk, I'd have to start drinking now.

metamarcisf August 12, 2011 at 5:01 pm

If the real Michele prepared for her debates like Sara's portrayal, she could do stand up too.

flamingpdog August 12, 2011 at 7:58 pm

The real Michele does do stand-up. It's just not as hilarious as it would be if you weren't scared shitless while listening to it because of the possibility that all her laughable statements could have an actual impact on your life in the near future.

And, besides, she's not nearly as hawt as Sara.

Giveusabob August 12, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I imagine the form of "fealty" desired by Obama is less, how do I say, intimately hands-on than that which Clinton required of his interns.

terriblyfamous August 12, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Less hands-on, perhaps. Even less mouths-on, one hopes.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Barry just doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who would fuck around on Michelle. Some guys will, and some guys won't. and usually you can spot 'em right upfront. His body language says he might think about it if he didn't have Michelle but as long as he's got her, ain't no one else in his line of vision. Also, I suspect Michelle is mighty in the ass-kicking department, and you don't want to be messing around with her man, or anything else she puts a premium on.

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Barry has always struck me as a dude with an unusual, maybe even insane, amount of self-control, which is something that can get you in trouble in politics, but in the rest of your real life is quite the asset, these days. Clinton's lack of self-control made him a pretty decent president, but a shitty husband.

Chet Kincaid August 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

Clinton's lack of self-control kept him from being a great President, and helped usher in the nightmare of the suck-ceeding 11 years.

finallyhappy August 12, 2011 at 5:02 pm

hahaha, I'm old so I have a smallpox vaccination. Can't get me!

Barb August 12, 2011 at 5:05 pm

The video was awesome! I'm smelling an Emmy, an Oscar and for the "sex with animals" reference, a special award from the chickens Marcus fucks, the pullet surprise award!

I do take issue with your saying that all husbands ask for that kinda stuff. Jeff would never fuck a chicken. He *might* ask for a quick beak job though.

SaraJBenincasa August 12, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Barb, I must also give kudos to my Republidad for playing both Ed Rollins and Marcus Bachmann in this cinematic tour de force!

Barb August 12, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Ya gotta love dads!
I was standing outside a restaurant in Texas, when a 35 year-old woman turns to her dad and asks, "Dad, why didn't you molest me when I was little? Wasn't I pretty enough?" Truly a Hallmark moment.

ManchuCandidate August 12, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Double Facepalm Hallmark Moment.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 12, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Parents can never do enough.

ManchuCandidate August 12, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I'm just glad my parents didn't love me THAT much.

Rotundo_ August 12, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I would have expected a touching dad and daughter moment like that in Alabama or Georgia, but I always though there was enough livestock in Tejas to address the natural urgin's of those rugged individuals.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Holy shit. I wonder if said young lady is someone of my acquaintance — a person who delights in saying out loud stuff most people only hear in their nightmares. Like greeting her husband at the company dinner with, "I was going to bring my other boyfriend, until your boyfriend called to say they're spending the night together."

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Wow, your Dad must be too cool for words to willingly participate in humiliating the Reublicans.

SpurningBeer August 12, 2011 at 10:43 pm

"Quick beak job"?

Deep gizzard.

SorosBot August 12, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Lot lizard?

SaraJBenincasa August 12, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Google it. You will NOT be disappointed.

widestanceshakedown August 12, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Finally, I can use the fancy term on my resume!

AJWjr. August 12, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Speaking as a former trucker, I applaud your use of the term. Met my first one out on I-95 in Jessup…

Rotundo_ August 12, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Not familiar with the ways of the long haul trucker Mr. SorosBot? Expand your horizons and waistline and get thee to a truck stop (have the chicken fried steak with sausage gravy, and say "Hi" to Lurleen and Buffy and tip the hell out of them, good gals).

tejanojim August 12, 2011 at 7:13 pm

+1000 to Sarah for knowing what a Lot Lizard is.

mrbubb August 12, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Man, I gotta get me a big rig. To drive, that is.

terriblyfamous August 12, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Whoa, Mr. Prez, I draw the line at jihad against sneeze guards. Those things are damnably useful.

BarackMyWorld August 12, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Sara, your vast thespian talent aside, I honestly don't think Congresswoman Bachmann is an attractive enough woman to be played by you. If Mrs. Bachmann was anywhere close to being as hot as you, Mr. Bachmann might actual consider giving girls another try!

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Marcus is a lost case, but Sara Benincasa is undeniably Teh Hawtnez.

ManchuCandidate August 12, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Heh, I'm surprised Michelle Bachman didn't take away Marcus' collection of Playgirl magazines (for research purposes only.)

ifthethunderdontgetya August 12, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Holy Good Answer to a Different Answer, Sara!

lol fuckin' l.
~

Callyson August 12, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Hilarious video…"My *good* Clinique"?!? Michele, everyone's moved on to Bliss (upmarket) or Olay Regenerist (downmarket).

ifthethunderdontgetya August 12, 2011 at 5:16 pm

You use vaseline, and a sock!
~

imissopus August 12, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Ah, I have been slathered in the santorum of FREEDOM! And I like it.

widestanceshakedown August 12, 2011 at 5:23 pm

You had me at ballsweat, Sara.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 7:13 pm

"Curing AIDS with his ballsweat" has definitely entered my handy-dandy Little Black Book of Frequently-Used Phrases.

Come here a minute August 12, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Felching. I know that as a faithful Wonketeer, I should know this one, but still — not Googling it.

Suq Madiq August 12, 2011 at 5:36 pm

You don't even want to know. As a kid growing up in the midwest suburbs this phrase got hurled around to much high-larity.

emmelemm August 12, 2011 at 5:37 pm

I wouldn't. There was a day when I lived in ignorance of a great many things. That day is past. I can't say I'm happier for it.

KenLayIsAlive August 12, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Google it, but don't gargle it.

mrbubb August 12, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Just be careful of the santorum.

OC_Surf_Serf August 12, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Well, this week The Alaska Permanent Fund lost over a Billion in value.

Free-market socialism. Also.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 12, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I don't want to hate Alaska — the countryside and shorelines and forests are unimaginably beautiful. Why is it so full of unlikable people, possibly even atheists?

donner_froh August 13, 2011 at 3:20 am

Sounds like the Permanent Fund is quite so permanent after all.

LesBontemps August 12, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Husbands — they all do the same thing.

Ouch!! You made me spurt coffee out my nose!

KenLayIsAlive August 12, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Sara Benincasa's newest erotic thriller Between the Small Pox Sheets.

pinkocommi August 12, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Barack Obama broke my heart, too. Alas, he is not one of us, my fellow pinkocommies.

Papa_Uniform August 12, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Sara, Thanks for reminding me again what a hard job our Preznit has. Or, is that hand job? Or, wait, is that hard on? Or…..oh fuck it.

flamingpdog August 12, 2011 at 7:50 pm

I was going to stay at work a little longer tonight to avoid the worst of rush hour, but after seeing sweet, leering Sara's face next to the picture of Kortney and her giant organic dildo, I have to rush home to take care of the large loin aching.

gullywompr August 12, 2011 at 9:44 pm

One.

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Sar, that "leaked footage" was awesome. I wish I could say something more creative, but that's all I have for the moment.

SaraJBenincasa August 13, 2011 at 10:42 am

Thanks baby!

Negropolis August 14, 2011 at 12:49 am

The first line was a killer. It was like a punch in the face right up front. Totally unexpected. lol

fuflans August 13, 2011 at 1:15 am

sara what are you going to do when rick's president?

SaraJBenincasa August 13, 2011 at 10:43 am

Just constantly masturbate, obvs.

ttommyunger August 13, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Just when I think I've seen, done and heard it all, along comes young Sarah and whippersnaps "lot lizard" and "felching" on me. BTW, your Bachmann vids are perfection. You are a very talented (if sick) young woman.

blogslut August 14, 2011 at 4:21 am

Your blank stare is a good blank stare but it's not her blank stare which is good for you!

cobweb2 August 14, 2011 at 3:42 pm

>>If your columnista only had access to bovine smallpox scabs, she would sprinkle them in your breakfast cereal herself.<<
Go ahead; do it. I do not eat breakfast nor do my loved ones. Perhaps if a significant number of your fans are killed off or disabled with debilitating diseases you will have time to submit more of your foul material to Wonkette.

ShaveTheWhales August 13, 2011 at 11:15 pm

We agree on that one.

Negropolis August 14, 2011 at 12:51 am

Nah. What kept him from being a great president was the fact that at his core he simply wasn't progressive enough to try very bold things. At the end of the day, he was still an Arkansas countryboy. Gore earned his loss fair and square. If anything, his refusal to use Clinton in that campaign thereby creating the behind-the-scenes media whispering of a gulf between the two ultimately did him in.

If he'd have been as bold in his public life as he was in his private life, we might have been able to escape bullshit welfare "reform" and been treated to some bolder and more creative initiatives and policies than simple stability.

Chet Kincaid August 14, 2011 at 2:44 am

Yeah, maybe if he wasn't so goddamned busy humiliating himself and the country by chasing barely legal tail in the White House, thus bringing upon himself a Republican shit-circus impeachment, he might have had the resources to try one of those very bold things. Controlling his pathological, clownish libido would have eliminated the need for Gore to ponder accepting or rejecting his support. Clinton should have W. tattooed on his dick, as a penance.

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