Barack Obama Broke An Intern’s Heart

  barry can you hear me?

Jesus he love us.Barack Hussein Obama is the greatest president in the history of ever, and those who do not show him adequate fealty are instantly thrown into the Den of Despair (i.e., Joe Biden’s hamper full of dirty boxer briefs.) Let us journey now into Wonkette’s very own “Week in Review”-esque weekly review of our Dear Leader’s activities, “Barry Can You Hear Me?” As per usual, our guide shall be Official White House Videographer Arun Riefenstahl-Chaudhary’s weekly afterschool special/snuff film, West Wing Week.

On Friday, Barack Obama went to hang out with some gay Navy sailors and talk about the Returning Heroes Tax Credit, which gives blood money to firms that hire veterans coming back from our three futile wars. Now a former sharpshooter can apply for one of your town’s two remaining jobs (Old Navy jeans folder and Hormel hog slaughterer) without fear that his severe, untreated PTSD will hamper his ability to earn $8 an hour.

West Wing Week is silent on the topic of Saturday and Sunday, which means Barack Obama spent the weekend moonwalking across the Potomac and curing AIDS with his ballsweat.

On Monday, the king of America talked at his subjects about saving more monies and making more jobs. “Spending cuts!” he said. “Tax reform! Modest adjustments to healthcare programs like Medicare! Hail Satan!” Then Bammerz met with Hispanic journalists who politely asked him exactly what kind of white Christian baby blood makes the very best tortilla. “Mainline Protestant, of course!” Bammerz replied, and then they did the lambada.

BTW, also on Monday, Dr. Jill “Hubba Hubba” Biden was over in Africa talking to “famine refugees” on the “Kenyan-Somalian border.” In other words, she was taking orders from the Muslim hierarchy on what their crown prince ought to do next. She scribbled it all in the Mead notebook where she keeps this information, and then returned home to give Barack Obama his orders. “The High Council of Jihad bids it,” she said quietly. “Their will be done,” Barack replied, and blew up Mount Rushmore.

On Tuesday, Barack Obama talked to truck company executives about new fuel efficiency standards. “You know,” Barry said, kicking back in his seat and chuckling, “Back in college I used to make some extra scratch in your business. Fine folks.” “You drove a truck?” the executives asked, surprised. “Naw,” Barry said. “But I was one hell of a lot lizard.”

On Wednesday, Obama held a farewell ceremony for this year’s outgoing crop of White House interns. “Sorry I didn’t fuck any of you,” he said. “Unfortunately, SOMEBODY ruined it for the rest of us, and now we can’t have nice things.” The interns looked at him with tears in their eyes. “N-not even felching?” little Georgetown sophomore Tommy Hopkins asked, his lower lip quivering. “Not even felching, Tommy,” the president sighed. His shoulders slumped, and he walked slowly away from the ceremony, looking 10 years older. That night, Barack Obama had a Muslim seder with Shi’ite terrorists and declared sharia law at the salad bar, issuing a fatwa against the sneeze guard.

On Thursday, Barry visited Johnson Controls battery plant and received a lifetime supply of batteries with which to power his many butt-vibrators.

Well, that’s all for this week, librulz. Because you are the poisonous algae blooming on the pond of liberty, you may enjoy this scandalous leaked video from Michele Bachmann’s campaign. You are exactly the kind of awful people who would like this type of filth, in fact. It is this author’s fondest wish that you all contract smallpox and die before Monday morning. If your columnista only had access to bovine smallpox scabs, she would sprinkle them in your breakfast cereal herself. But until that point, she will continue to kneel on a rug pointed in the direction of Barack Obama’s grundle and pray for your destruction.

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa